By Jacob
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.It's been two weeks since we last spoke; Jackie continues to feel weird about Grace self-medicating, and she's still not allowed to give patients drugs. Of course, she resolves these issues by pounding bottles of Grace's baby Xanax, so that little brush with sobriety worked out well. Horribly, she ends up begging Eleanor to refill the prescription, which just about grosses them both out to death.
Worse, Eleanor eventually offers to become Jackie's methadone source because she knows no other form of rehab will work. It's pretty much the most heartbreaking thing you can think of.
Kevin and Eddie, for some reason, like to go the batting cages at 6 AM and talk about the marriage. Apparently Kevin has noticed that he hates his wife, and that they only lie to each other about things, and he's married to a drug addict. He does all kinds of super intense looking at Eddie-type activities, and it's both hot and weird. Eddie thinks it's about the affair, and not about what it's obviously about, so he gets all nervous.
Coop is all excited about his birthday-wedding -- activating Best Man Eddie's Kevin-guilt -- so there's a lot of cute running around there. Even cuter, Zoey throws a party for Nurse Appreciation Week, despite everybody hating the entire concept, and also wears her idea of people clothes that's pretty amazing. A funny cop guy brings Zoey flowers and compliments her (admittedly cute) jeans, so now we're probably going to have to deal with sad Lenny, which might actually kill me.
Akalitus loses the Michelle Obama visit, so I finally got my Gloria-yelling-at-fat-kids scene I've been waiting for all season, plus she does a wonderful trick with a box of raisins.
Kelly invites Jackie out for a drink and finally admits that he not only did know that Jackie stole the patches, but that he's on her side forevermore and her probation is his fault. She lies and lies to him about the reasons she took them, whatever, here's the punchline: He stole more of the patches than she did... And he's never been to Haiti.
week: Finale! Historically the most stressful episodes of this show. Here's hopin'.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!TWO WEEKS LATER
Kevin, sneaking around as usual: "I need to go to the batting cages with Eddie at six in the morning, okay?"
Jackie: "That sounds normal. My back really hurts because of everything about my life."
Fiona's hair is all tangled, but that's the only interesting Fiona thing going on. Grace gives her a multivitamin and this causes Jackie to feel weird.
Drugs: "We miss you too, Jackie! Put us in your face!"
BATTING PRACTICE
Kevin: "Hey Eddie, did you know I hate my wife suddenly?"
Eddie: "I wish you didn't have a baseball bat at the end of your giant superhero arms if we're going to talk about your wife."
Kevin: "Mostly that's it. But also bizarre elliptical scary faces that could mean anything."
Eddie: "Stop looking at me like you're going to kill me."
Kevin: "It's okay, I'm probably talking about something else or maybe I am going to get hit by a truck and none of this matters. Have some more creepy staring, won't you?"
Eddie: "This whole situation is weirdly sexual."
GLORIA'S OFFICE
Gloria: "All of a sudden I am back to being obsessed with Michelle Obama despite having dropped the topic entirely for like half the season."
Michelle Obama: "I'm sorry but I can't come visit you today, because you are crazy. Also because the Pope called and he said you are bribing priests for statues."
Gloria: "What am I going to do with all these fat kids I kidnapped? I was going to make them fight each other in an arena for the First Lady's pleasure."
Michelle Obama: "That does not sound like a fun time to me. You should probably get obsessed with some other lady."
Jackie: "So Gloria, can I be off drugs probation? It's been two weeks."
Gloria: "I don't have time to worry about your career and your probation right now. I have a bunch of fat kids to worry about."
Jackie: "But I am freaking out!"
Gloria: "Since when are you not freaking out?"
Jackie: "Since about one second from now."
Jackie immediately eats an entire bottle of Grace's Xanax, because she has been holding on for dear life. "Hands off, head down," Gloria said, and when Jackie replied that she was at the end of her rope Gloria said, "Then make more rope." And you know what they say about more rope. It's not like a huge surprise, less so even for Jackie, but it's still a concession and it's not a proud feeling to watch her do it.