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No home life at all this time, but between Eddie's return and Jackie circling the drain, it's a full week nonetheless. Patient One is a very polite linebacker with early-onset dementia that has caused him to strip naked in a grocery store. Everybody loves him, especially Gloria, who is a fan of his game and because he reminds her of her son we never get to hear about. Also Coop, who is feeling very left out and unfamous now that the Face of All Saints campaign is over. Jackie treats him and his wife quite well, and teams up with Gloria to try and talk the wife into divorcing him so they can qualify for better medical care. It's rough.
Even after Eddie gets his job back with the hospital, Coop still can't find a friend. He manages to talk Sam into having lunch with him, and Sam offers to give Coop a tour of his post-rehab life, which seems to be mostly hanging around being annoying with beatboxers. Coop complains that all cool guys hate him, which is fairly insightful, and walks Sam's girlfriend home. I certainly hope he doesn't grab her boob, she seems nice.
Patient Two is a 49-year old pregnant lady, who gets Eleanor to admit she's always wanted kids. It's a big week for Eleanor, actually: She has a super-sweet moment with Zoey, offers to be Jackie's new drug connection after seeing Jackie's MRI... Then learns that the MRI is fake. Between Grace's newfound levels of crazy and this first confirmed betrayal by constant betrayer Jackie, Eleanor's got quite a mess on her hands.
You spend every episode of this show waiting for something terrible to befall Jackie, but as we near the end of the season it's becoming increasingly terrifying to consider that something terrible may befall Jackie. Though it would hardly sting at this point, since Bonus Patient number Three is a random guy Jackie mugs for drugs in the middle of his epileptic seizure.
See what made the cut in this list of TV's 50 most shocking moments ever.
week: We ramp up to the finale with a certain amount of coming clean, another blowup from Kevin, and no doubt even more horrible behavior courtesy of Jackie Peyton.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!On her way to work, Jackie calls the hospital for Eleanor -- she grabs a kid's pacifier on the street and hands it to the mom, while she's waiting, which is a good deed, which with Jackie usually means she's about to do something horrible -- and asks for a bit of a meeting.
On the way in, she passes broken-nosed Coop, who's nearly dying as he watches them whitewash over the Face of All Saints campaign posters. It didn't occur to me until just now that Lenny punching Coop in the face sort of inescapably means fucking up Coop's face, you know, by punching it. That's the saddest thing in the world, if you think about it. Without the face, what is Coop? He's not smart enough for existentialism, and he's not interesting enough to turn it into art or a drug habit. I'm sure he'll act out soon enough and erase that sympathy soon enough, though. Without the face, Coop is just a pair of hands pointed at your tits.
Eleanor and Jackie look at a series of spine films, which are apparently Jackie's, and she complains about how the Ortho dept is sitting on their asses and she needs to see a specialist. Eleanor hisses -- because of course Jackie's so self-sacrificing -- and once Jackie's got her cornered, she relates this latest thing about Grace, the hair-pulling, to throw her off. And it throws her the fuck off. It's terrible.
Then, once the dots are just far enough apart you can't really connect them, Jackie circles back around to her point: "Eddie used to give me some Oxy. You know, between cortisone shots when it would get really bad..." Eleanor doesn't look, but she offers almost immediately to do the same. "Short of banging you over the head to put you out of your misery, I don't see what else I can do!" Let's not rule that one out, Doc.
Jackie is: Reluctant but not too reluctant, grateful but not showily grateful, acknowledges that this is a big deal without making it a big deal. To bookend it against the Grace thing a moment ago, Jackie almost tells Eleanor what the pain is like, but shrinks back from it: An incredibly manipulative narrative she constructs in which the easiest possible response is to give in without questioning it. She brings up her pain which we all know she hates talking about, only so that she can drop the subject and complain about clichés instead. To ask medical questions would, at this point, be an affront on several levels. Eleanor hates the ones who beat the dead horse, and the ones that kill multiple birds with single stones. Jackie just likes the ones that let sleeping dogs lie. She says it like it's just a random statement, and not her total theme song. Eleanor winks at her.
Gloria is interviewing Eddie about the ER pharmacy job, which until recently he'd held for ten years. Of course, immediately after that changed, he stomped into the hospital drunk, and then a couple months later tried to kill himself. "One might think these incidents would disqualify you to run a pharmacy," Gloria suggests, in the understatement of all time. Eddie, and this is an interesting tack, immediately starts yelling at Gloria for fucking around with him, and tells her to shit or get off the pot. His travails, have you noticed, have not exactly made Eddie a better man. Or a more competent interviewee.
Gloria points out that asking for some amount of assurance of his stability is not the worst thing in the world, and he reminds her that he did his job perfectly. All that falling-down disaster shit happened after he got laid off. (And found out his screamingly codependent girlfriend was a fictional person. With a husband and two daughters and an entire nonfictional life.) Plus, he still has a lab coat. They go back and forth some more and he's unpleasant and prickly with her some more -- I guess he didn't get the memo that she's totally sympathetic this season -- and finally she invites him back to All Saints.
You know what, good. I hope Jackie finishes him off this time, I really do. I am so sick of his shit. I can't even see how they can bring this character back this time. He knows everything, in a show about not letting anybody know anything, so he's just like this human danger zone. And he's mean! Malicious! (He doesn't love Coop!) I mean, I like that she loves him, to the extent that she loves him, but that still doesn't make him more than a symptom. Or a stalker.
Anyway, Eddie yells, "I'm gonna rock this shit!" and Gloria prudely goes, "I wish you wouldn't," and then outside, Coop of course loses his everloving mind about it and tries to get Eddie in an eternal headlock so he can climb inside Eddie's sweatshirt with him and never ever be apart, and Eddie of course immediately bounces. Coop says the word "bounce" over and over, locking it down in terms of what cool guys say and reminding himself to use it in a sentence at least three times today. I don't know what's worse, the cringingly daddy-centric way Coop deals with men, or the fact that he thinks Eddie is a role model in any way.
Coop climbs up Gloria's skirts, promising he won't take long since they've got a "wackjob" arriving in five minutes. If you don't know what he's going to bug her about, you don't know Fitch Cooper, but believe me when I say that Gloria is well aware of what's about to happen. She corrects him -- "Emotionally disturbed person, Dr. Cooper" -- and he immediately starts in on the Face of All Saints. His pager keeps going off and she keeps telling him to answer it, and at one point he's like, if somebody's dying then the nurses will keep them alive for him, that's their job. The look she gives him is pure awesome. Bottom line, and this is super sad, is that he's willing to extend the original six-week campaign out of his own wallet. Gloria assures him this is very generous, and then bounces, because dear God sometimes it's hard to even look at him.
"Thirtyish male, altered mental status, found disoriented and naked." Huge, like football-player big, he walked into a grocery store and started taking off his clothes. Jackie jumps into the fray, uncuffing his hands and refusing to sedate him -- against the protestations of Coop, of course -- since he's not currently agitated or resisting. There's a neat sort of parallel-treatment thing where Coop does the intake by the letter, while Jackie does the same questions (his name, the year) in a human way, introduces herself, treats the guy like a human being, the whole nine. Zoey says he smells like fresh laundry, which is rare in a wackjob.
When Jackie tells him what year it is, he thanks her sweetly. He's not dumb or anything, he's just real scared and ashamed, and willing to be cool, and gigantic, so he knows better than to do anything crazy. And Jackie knew all that from looking him in the eye, when they first rolled him in. This episode: Quite good.
Coop, he gets there eventually, by the ways Coop gets places: The patient, Marco, is a linebacker for the Florida Gators. Immediately Coop's all, "brotherhood of the broken nose!" and "I'm famous and you're famous!" and "good-looking man to good-looking man" and all the shit he always does, including cancelling his order for sedation that the nurses all totally ignored a second ago.
Coop explains about Marco -- picked in the first round, which linebackers apparently never are -- and Thor rolls his eyes. "I know? I'm gay, I'm not a girl." There are TV shows where that line would make me uncomfortable, or at least unsure of the implications, but let's just say: This is not one of them. Zoey reports on another trauma room, where a 49-year-old lady is having quote "pain in her swimsuit area." Zoey assumes it's appendicitis and Jackie gives her the lady. Coop starts ordering everything in the entire hospital for his new best friend Marco, and is of course completely immune to the irony of his standards for patient care.
Zoey is annoying the presumed-appy lady to no end while doing her chart, and finally gets down to the "sexually active" question. "No. Pretty much just lie there," the woman says, because how are you supposed to know that Zoey's sense of humor is completely unique and bears so little resemblance to the term as we use it that it might as well be a different word entirely? You can actually see Zoey retroengineer the entire joke in her head and reassemble it in Zoey language and then fast-forward her brain back to now: "No, I meant, um... Ah, a joke. Got it."
Eleanor appears, and the woman promises she's having an appendix rupture and asks for a Valium drip and some Merlot. Eleanor's awesome: "I'm not saying no." All they have to do is rule out pregnancy and get her a CT. The woman is just beside herself because why do they keep mentioning pregnancy when she's 49, it's so impossible, which is how you know she is totally pregnant at 49, because you have seen a TV show before.
What isn't yet clear is what this means to the staff of All Saints: Is it going to be one of Jackie's caretaker issues, where the bald head of Grace turns out to be this lady's baby's congenital something or another? Are we going to talk about Gloria's crazy son some more? Is Zoey going to break down about her imaginary pregnancy? The answer will surprise you, and then immediately you'll be like, "Nope, that makes total sense."
Marco Prince's wife shows up -- this actress is great, do we know her from other things? -- and he immediately starts apologizing. Again, not hysterical or anything, just calmly and sort of with a deep inner horror. It really gets to Jackie. She gets real bedsidey with both of them, offering food, and it's so sad. He's like, "Where did I go?" Supervalue. "What did I do?" Took off your clothes. He nearly starts crying and the wife just laughs sweetly down at him and goes, "Baby, no, it's not a big deal! Good looking guy like you, you made their day." He's sad that she had to go to work, and she's like, "Lucky me." She's got an answer for all of it.
Writing it down like this makes her seem like Mary F. Sunshine but she's not like that at all. Just clearly carrying a lot, and unwilling to let whatever's going on with him be a problem for either of them. (Not pulling the hair out of her head, for e.g.) Gloria sees him across Emergency and pops in to be incredibly sweet with him about this one tackle he did, and says he's her hero, and that sense of foreboding just keeps getting stronger and stronger. Everybody is being so awesome! That is death on this show! (Plus, hospitals are really scary this week.)
At the snack bar -- out of left field, which is where God put her -- Zoey praises Eleanor's bravery in coming to "a foreign country." For one, she says, she would miss the candy. Eleanor shakes her head and says she'd only miss her people, and when Zoey snorts and says she has no people, oh, here we go: "Excuse me? I beg your pardon, you have me, you have Jackie. You have Lenny..." (Zoey has Eleanor!) She wrinkles her nose adorably about having Lenny, because it's scary, and Eleanor watches her consider not having Lenny, and how scary that would be, and nods while she puts it all together. Lovely! This scene is just lovely. (Scary!)
Zoey asks who she misses from her "foreign land," and without pause Eleanor nods: "The Queen." Then she pays for Zoey's snacks, which causes Zoey to wig out and act all squirrelly, and then she beeps Zoey's nose adorably, and disappears. Zoey nods at the guy, "She's my friend." Which is so great and I love that Zoey is becoming a person finally, but that sense of doom is A) Not going away with all this cuteness and B) This scene -- Eleanor's generosity both emotional and financial, Zoey's gratitude and sense of Eleanor's innate wondrousness -- could provide a damningly serious counterpoint to things if, say, Jackie totally fucks Eleanor over. (Again.)
Marco Prince's wife asks Jackie to cancel his MRI. "We can't afford it. It's not like anyone can fix it. He's not sick-sick, he's got early-onset dementia. He was a linebacker... He's not 6'5" and he's not 300 pounds, so he's fast. And tough as shit. I could wallpaper my bathroom with MRIs, we don't need another one. I know what his brain looks like." I think at this point Jackie falls a little bit in love with Mrs. Prince.
I also think there's something here, an echo I'm not quite catching, having to do with Jackie's fear of "seeing the damage" and her reluctance to get an MRI, and how the lady's saying "I know what his brain looks like." Maybe it's just that the Princes are functional people -- with problems, with which they deal -- who can look at an MRI without flinching. That can work around the damage, can deal with the damage and not tear all their hair out, because they're not ignoring the damage.
(Even if the damage in Grace Peyton's case comes down to us through a lineage of unlooked-at damages going way back, like dominos, through the secrets and then the addiction and then maybe something beyond that, none of which Jackie is interested in dealing with -- in addition to the actual back damage she pretends she's dealing with -- isn't something you can even look at if you wanted to, because it's such a scribbled over palimpsest of nastiness and scabbed-over nightmares and scars. No wonder Jackie can't go a day without harassing Grace's therapist.)
Speaking of harassing, Coop wants to eat Quizno's in the pharmacy with Eddie so bad! He wants to "kick it old school" so bad! And Eddie's like, "You can't turn back the hands of time, Coop." Which is funny, because isn't that why you're like here? No, he's gotta bounce. He has plans. Hopefully with cute Georgia. Coop runs to the nurse's station -- He wouldn't! Would he? -- but Lenny's already there, asking Zoey to lunch. She wigs; Jackie lies and steps in to "help," as Zoey begs sotto voce, "a sister out." Will Eleanor get a grinder with Eleanor? "As wildly tempting as a grinder sounds, I have far too much respect for Zoey to horn in on her territory."
Coop offers to have lunch with Lenny, and he's not interested. Coop asks Thor to lunch, and Gloria zooms past: "No lunch for Thor today. He needs to drop some of that weight." Thor points out that he's standing right there, and she doesn't even stop. "Still need to drop some of that weight!" Dude, I would have lunch with Coop every day if he were real. All you have to do is ask him about some stupid thing and then turn your brain completely off. Boom, suddenly it's an hour later and you've had a lovely meal with a pretty little chatterbox? That sounds as relaxing as a midday nap. "So Coop, tell me about motorcycles."
Marco is stressing out pretty major, explaining it in a heartbreaking way: "You break your arm, you're still you. You break your brain, and you're not you anymore." There was a live-in caretaker at one point (aha!) and now they're just sort of poor. I think this is the big line of this scene, maybe the whole episode: "I don't know where I go. Because I don't want to leave. But I do, and I don't know why. I have a beautiful wife, a beautiful life. It's slipping off my plate. Every day, a little more." Maybe she saw more in his eyes than his humanity, the second they wheeled him in. Maybe she saw a lot more. Mrs. Prince nods up at her, almost imperceptibly: She can feel him go.
Jackie joins Eddie at the pharmacy, stressed about the Princes, and promises him things are going to be different. You can't turn back the clock. He grins, that rogue grin, and asks why things have to change. "Eddie," she says warningly, and he doesn't back down. Zoey appears. "Remember that time when I walked in on you guys...?" Yes, that's precisely the most appalling thing you could have said, Zoey. Of course Jackie runs away so fast she's like a blur, but Eddie is tickled. He is tickled in such a cute way that it makes me like him more again.
Outside Zoey thanks Jackie for having lunch with her, and goes into some long drawn-out thing that you can tell Jackie sort of knew she was signing on for but also sort of prayed was just her paranoia speaking: "Lenny is so nice to me. Much, much, much nicer than I am to him." Right, because he likes you. Jackie knows this one by heart. "Yes. I am aware of that, which is why I've called this meeting. Clearly, we have sizzling chemistry. Obviously." (This scene is just incandescent which is why I'm quoting everything, it's just great. Both ladies' acting, the eyebrows launching into the air, Zoey's weird accents, it's all so great.) Jackie acknowledges both that their chemistry is not obvious, but that it doesn't matter if Zoey feels it. "Get to your point," she finally says, and Zoey continues to talk in Zoey circles. The point is, should she hook up with him or not?
"...You don't have a mother? Or a best friend? Or somebody you can be having this conversation with?" Heh. Zoey explains that this falls under keeping secrets and keeping your private life private, which is firmly in the exact middle and takes up most of Jackie's wheelhouse. "Um, we're not talking about me." Which is exactly Zoey's point (NICE). Jackie points out, having been caught in quite a rhetorical trap and now taking part in this conversation, that seeing him every day might become weird. "It's already kind of weird," Zoey chirps. That is because you are weird, Zoey. He is being adorable and normal; you are being weird. Jackie warns her against fooling around with co-workers, and says if she's going to go for it, then she needs to slow it down. That's when Zoey fucks up.
"But the heart wants what the heart wants! You know what I'm talking about." Jackie's appalled but doesn't actually get up yet, and Zoey brings up Eddie by name, and Jackie's actually upset enough for a moment that she says something real. "Okay, Zoey, you know what? Yes. You and Lenny in a back room, on a cot somewhere, and someone like you can walk in on you, that's good stuff! Very romantic! And I wish you all the best." And with that, and Zoey nodding excitedly/cluelessly about each aspect of this tawdry little story, she leaves. Poor Zoey, it's always one step forward and two steps back, on the long road to acting like a reasonable person. She calls out sort of tenderly to Jackie, and then nods, or jerks her head in that way she does when she's nodding to herself: "Okay, it... Good talk. Thank you."
Coop has somehow drafted Sam into hanging out with him on a cot somewhere in the back of the hospital, eating sandwiches and "talking shit about nurses." Sam reminds him that, um, he is a nurse, and Coop asks him why he isn't a doctor. Sam turns it around on him but Coop doesn't understand: "I am a doctor." No, like, how come he's not a nurse? Coop laughs so fucking hard at that one, because it's literally outside the realm of possibility and it didn't even occur to him that he was saying that. "All the work, none of the pay? Zero glory? I'd die. I'd be dead." Sam claims to have an awesome life, and Coop says maybe but not by Coop's standards, essentially, and Sam offers to let Coop tag along on his adventures after work. Coop cannot believe his awesome luck and whispers -- once Sam convinces him he's not kidding -- "What should I wear?"
That old lady is totally pregnant, by the way, talking about Diane Keaton and all kind of old lady stuff, and she sort of trances out and goes, "I never even thought about being a mother. Maybe one summer when I was 26, I thought about how great it would be to have a bunch of kids." She asks Eleanor, who admits she's wanted to be a mother her whole life. (See? At first you're surprised but then you're like, that makes total sense. Fiona and Grace, Jackie and Zoey, her mysterious family issues, the way she uses attitude and money to get the same distance from life as Jackie does drugs and polyandry -- none of those things rule out wanting a kid. There's just so much... Bullshit, between here and there.)
Gloria tries to convince Mrs. Prince to divorce her husband, so that her assets and income won't interfere with his Medicaid benefits. Mrs. Prince is appalled that former superhero Jackie has brought her to hear Akalitus say such things, and Jackie just goes, "She's been fucking the system for thirty years. I would listen to her." I love Gloria being a person.
Gloria explains that she doesn't believe in the rules but that this is the information. "The sooner you put this in motion, the better. His costs are gonna be catastrophic as this thing plays out." Like for example, today -- even without the MRI -- cost eleven grand... Which All Saints is wiping out, as well as giving Marco a clean bill of health so that they're only liable for future stuff. Jackie promises the lady she doesn't have to be married to love him, that it's just a piece of paper, but she's not convinced. "Maybe to you," she says, and bounces.
Jackie has a lot going on but I think one of the things that's hardest to understand, maybe less hard these days, is how her addiction stuff causes such a massive breakdown between the body and the mind. As a nurse she cures the body: It has problems, you fix them. What do you call a nurse with back problems? Unemployed: It's not that she's an addict, mental, it's that she suffers chronic pain, physical. Addiction, this guy, whatever's going on with Grace, that's way too blurry for Jackie. That's peeking in a corner Jackie has put a superhuman amount of effort into ignoring, which is how she became an addict.
So as much as Jackie loves and identifies with wackjobs, there are levels on which she doesn't see them at all. Marriage is not just a piece of paper, and she knows that, but she's willing to bend that truth in certain situations, in pursuit of a higher truth. And the reason for all of this is very simple: Jackie Peyton is a very fucking selfish person. She is the king of a tiny kingdom. And what that means most of all -- the reason she hates Sam, part of the reason even that she hates Coop -- is preserving a viewpoint: The particular soul that is Jackie Peyton, in her current form, must survive. She cannot change into something finer, because that would be the same thing as dying; she cannot risk breaking or uncovering the addiction, because it's carved out a place in her heart and has become, she thinks, indivisible from her personality. It's acting for her, and it's acting on her behalf. It crouches in her.
You break your arm, you're still you. You break your brain, and you're not you anymore: A truth that cuts both ways.
As for the bill, Gloria's song went to Florida, so it's a little personal. "I don't care what they say, you are not a grinchy little fucker." And who's they? "Um, that would be me," Jackie says cutely, leaving without looking back. Gloria's biggest smile we've ever seen on this entire show.
What Sam likes to do -- and to his credit, Coop has managed to dress perfectly for this -- is go down to the East Village and loiter outside the Cooper Union, beatboxing around a giant paint bucket and spinning the Cube and generally acting like an insufferable commercial for streetwear. I cannot imagine anything worse. How old do you think Sam is? However old you are, you are too old for this. "He used to get loaded and now he does this," says the girlfriend. "Pretty cool, huh?" Comparatively.
Coop thinks it's so cool, and randomly starts explaining to the girlfriend about how "cool guys" never ever like him, he's like the plague, and they think he doesn't know it but he does know it, and it just kills him, because he does not have dude skills. Then something very bad happens. I don't even want to talk about it. I want to forget I ever saw it. I can't even watch it again to recap it. The only reason I saw it the first time is because the remote was way over there and I was cooking at the time or else I wouldn't have seen it even once. I would have bleep-blooped so fast the whole of the East Village would be a blur, a smudge, a reflection off soapy water and we'd be back to the show. Safe. We'd still feel clean inside.
The thing I saw was Dr. Fitch Cooper. The thing he was doing was freestyle rapping.
Coop runs back to the girlfriend, sort of on fire with his audacity, and goes, "Fuck! I told you, I'm a total knob! I don't have a cool bone in my body!" She tells him at least he has cool clothes on, which soothes his savage breast a great deal, and he can tell she wants to leave -- Sam, basically this is all Sam does, do this activity and not do drugs, which sounds about right -- and Coop goes, "You wanna bounce? I can walk you home if you want." And as scared as I am for that young woman's breasts in the near future, that's exactly how proud I am of Coop for using "bounce" correctly. On his first day of knowing that word!
Eleanor goes down to attack the shit out of Ortho, pulling a whole Shirley MacLaine on them about the differing levels of their professionalism, and why isn't anybody taking care of Jackie, and all this. They stare at her blankly, because who is she even talking about?
The lady downstairs, bugging her daughter's therapist about the hair-pulling and its severity, who is still not getting the information she requires, which is how many secrets does Grace know and how many of them is she spilling and are any of them a reason Jackie can put a hand on and say, "My daughter is destroying herself inch by inch and this is the diagnosis and now we can help her, because I am not the problem. This other thing is the problem."
Jackie gets off the phone and shit gets horrible. A lady comes up screaming because her epileptic boyfriend's having the first seizure she's ever been around for, and don't Jackie's scrubs mean she can help him, and Jackie kneels down and props the guy's head up, and the woman is not doing so well, to be honest, and so she sends the lady outside to wait for the EMTs to come, and then more urgently sending the lady outside when she sees that his jacket pockets are stuffed with baggies of bright blue pills, Roxicodones, and while praying she scoops them all out of his jacket -- "Holy shit, are you a dealer? You a fuckin' doctor, what?" -- and into her purse, and the whole time his body is convulsing, his eyes are rolled back, she's begging God's forgiveness but she's not stopping, telling the guy again and again that he's going to be okay while the seizure rips through his brain and she robs him blind.
I don't know where I go. Because I don't want to leave. But I do, and I don't know why...
Meanwhile, Eleanor has figured some shit out, namely that Jackie Peyton has not been to see Ortho, or has not given them her name, and that whatever MRIs she was looking at, when she offered to be Jackie's drug dealer, were not created under the name Jackie Peyton. She apologizes several times for her mistake, staring at the wall, trying to think of every explanation.
I have a beautiful wife, a beautiful life. It's slipping off my plate. Every day, a little more...
When the EMTs come Jackie directs them to Bellevue, rather than All Saints; she's wearing scrubs and she kept him alive, so they believe her. The woman says to do whatever Jackie says, and thanks her vociferously, in tears. She's grateful and terrified and Jackie is a saint tonight. She's an angel, to this lady. "You don't have to thank me," Jackie says, "It's what I do." They drive off toward Bellevue, and she walks away into the night.
You break your arm, you're still you.
Nothing's really broken.
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