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Horrible Caitlyn Flynn returns to Mean Girl Grace about her one hundred mental disorders -- and her Horrible Mom (does she look different this year?) shows up to flirt with Kevin yet again. But it's not the Horrible Flynns that Jackie should be worried about: Eddie is now getting so close to Kevin that they're taking care of the kids together, resulting in the mindbendingly fucked up end scene, in which Eddie introduces himself to Jackie, in her own home, as though they've never met.
In other wrongfully crossing wires, Coop visits Eddie at the pharmacy (for the first time since his suicide attempt) and may be accidentally forming an alliance against her. A man burns his face off with a cell phone, and another guy gets mauled by a Great Dane after resuscitating it at the Dog Show, which somehow causes his testicles to migrate up his body ("like biiiiiirds," moans the weird and wonderful Zoey B). Oh, and Jackie continues to ride New Guy Sam's ass at every opportunity, looking ever-crazier in doing so as one by one, while the whole hospital falls under his considerable charms.
Also shaking the hospital is Coop's latest outrage: His publicist gets him on some list of the Top 25 Doctors in Manhattan. He tweets about it, of course, but it drives Eleanor to act insane (duh), bond beautifully with Gloria (?) and Zoey (!) -- who's still all about her mysterious romance -- and mistreat a sexy, friendly EMT. Zoey notices Jackie using her PIN for the Pyxis, but is dissuaded and then distracted once Jackie convinces her that Gloria's wearing the same fragrance (L.A.M.B.). Come on, Zoey. We all know Gloria ain't no Hollabackalitus.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Today's drug-related intro image: A knife cutting coke that turns out to be Grace scraping flour, or something, flat in a measuring cup. I wonder if the quality of an episode could be described in relation to whether that image happens every time or of what quality it is. Fiona's in the kitchen with Grace and horrible Kaitlyn Flinn, who is of course bitching about her and inviting Grace to be mean to her as well. Grace, of course, gives in and tells her to stop helping, but the girls collapse in giggles eventually.
Meanwhile, Jackie comes home and immediately senses the evil in the house: "Kaitlyn? I'm less than thrilled." I know that it's proportionally part of her hatred of horrible Kaitlyn that Kaitlyn is horrible, but there's also her jealousy about Kaitlyn's horrible mother in there. Kevin's like, "Grace needs friends, and Kaitlyn is her only friend." God, that's terrible. You'd think that you'd take a look at your choices if that were the case. But I guess sucking the life out of every room probably takes up the lion's share of Grace's time and mental energy.
Kevin's doing the budget, which is being woggled by Grace's tuition at the Special School For Downers & Buzzkills she goes to. This gives Jackie entrée to discuss Eleanor's request to give them money for the girls, and Kevin says they can't take money from crazy people -- in the past they've accepted money from both Jackie and Kevin's moms, and it has caused issues. Jackie says Eleanor's not crazy (HA!) and Kevin counters that most people, even rich ones, don't usually live in hotels. I would live in a hotel so fast, wouldn't you?
Well, no. That used to be true but I've sort of outgrown it. I can see what he means: That kind of ephemeral breezy thing she does that he hates, and of course the "everything's temporary" philosophy that she and Jackie share, which is the thing he hates about Jackie that he doesn't even know he hates about Jackie and thus has to transfer over to Jackie. She ends the discussion by reminding Kevin that horrible Kaitlyn is the spoiler at the end of The Orphan, and he says he's keeping an eye on it. He's real observant, that Kevin Peyton.
...Downstairs, his wife snorts a huge line of something, and is immediately scared shitless when alerted by her Spidey Sense to the horror of Kaitlyn on the stairs, who first explains that 1) Grace said there was a bomb shelter downstairs, so she 2) Had to check because obviously Grace is a crazy liar and that 3) Grace worries about all kinds of "things that don't even make sense," leading her to suggest that 4) Jackie seek help for her insane daughter. All true, of course, but don't tell Jackie that after she's just taken down a rail.
Jackie stares up at her, looming in a threatening way, and goes, "Whattayou, a shrink?" So obviously Kaitlyn immediately asks what Jackie was doing inhaling shit through a straw downstairs in the fake bomb shelter. Jackie, hating her like you rarely hate a little girl, flips into a sort of amazing lie about how it's a trick that nurses use to dry up their tear ducts, because they "see a lot of pain and suffering during the day and the last thing we want to do is come home and cry in front of our families."
Kaitlyn looks askance, but this is such an amazing lie that she can't outright call bullshit, so Jackie does one of her best and most frightening Addict Tricks: "I need a hug. Can I have one?" Kaitlyn is as petrified as Fitch Coop locked in the arms of amped-up Jackie, and it is so, so worth it.
The doorbell rings, saving them both from this naked-Santa moment, and horrible Ginny Flinn comes in with a crazy grin and some trashy casserole made with tater tots. "Kaitlyn says you guys order a lot of pizza!" She says everything like a makeup saleswoman having an orgasm on nitrous. Jackie tells her to suck it, basically, and then peels her off Kevin's penis and forces her to go in the kitchen.
Grace is not interested in cupcakes, because they are fun and delicious and because children love cupcakes. Also because "Kaitlyn and Fi touched them with their bare hands and filled them full of their bacteria." I would probably eat cupcakes that Fiona made, because at worst her hands would just be covered in like grave dirt, or uranium dust from a bomb she's making somewhere, but I would not eat Kaitlyn cupcakes because she is barfy. "I washed my hands, Grace, right in front of you like you told me to," Kaitlyn says brightly/evilly. "She made me wash my hands!" she exclaims. I like how even though Kaitlyn is a raving bitch, she is also never wrong.
Jackie, defensive as usual: "Well, washing your hands is sanitary. Thank you for setting such a good example, honey." Moms always do that, and you never see it on TV: They will straight up lie about their kids' behavior if it calls their own parenting into question. "I can't understand why her weight's not going down, Doctor! She only eats vegetables and whole grains!" Grace explains to the Flinns that even washing your hands every two minutes is not insane, compared to the aching death of swine flu, and Jackie shoots enough steely glances their way that Ginny finally bounces, to say goodbye to "Kev."
Jackie gives the girls an amazing "fuck that" face and dumps the casserole in the trash, automatically supplying the lie from her Addict Sack that Fiona is allergic to potatoes. Grace points out that it wasn't even necessary to say that, considering she has now instructed her daughters to lie about potatoes, and instead of blowing it off Jackie's just like, "Well, there are good lies and bad lies, it's all very complicated." Right, because what Grace needs is more ambiguity about the nature of reality and the unreliable narrator that is her mother. Well done.
Coop is stocking up on Ramen, Breakfast of Douches, at Eddie's pharmacy. Eddie checks him out and Coop says he's only there to check on Eddie after his creepy suicide attempt. He assumes that it has to do with Eddie getting fired from All Saints and having to work at this shitty pharmacy, which is a hilarious drive-by insult, and Eddie tries to be patient. Coop tells him the good news about the Top 25 Doctors In New York, talks about his lack of boundaries as though it's a good thing, and then explains Twitter to Eddie.
"Just letting people know where I am... My followers. I have 240. You should try it. A guy like you would probably have 100 at least!" He offers once again to be a friend to Eddie in that way of his -- "if you just want to talk, you're on my way to work" -- and Eddie asks if it was Jackie that told him about the OD. Of course it wasn't, the whole place is just abuzz about it. "I sent out a tweet saying you were totally alive!" he says, mortifying Eddie, and -- note -- refers to Thor as "the diabetic." Which is of ongoing importance in a couple of ways, but also here proves that Coop is capable of learning things.
Eddie brings the convo back to Jackie for the fiftieth time, and Coop immediately starts talking about the complaint he filed. "I will crush her!" he says, in a funny voice, and bugs Eddie one more time about the suicide, so Eddie lies and says he mixed meds during a migraine. "I'm good. In fact, I'm great. Tell everybody. Or not." Coop has already forgotten this conversation before he even gets out of there.
Jackie tells a pair of totally cute pumps about how she threw away the casserole. "I know that if she had her way, she would be Mrs. Ginny Payton; I would be going home to some other dude." Eleanor suggests moving to another country if you want to avoid your past -- "worked for me!" -- and assures Jackie that Kaitlyn's horror won't rub off: "Snot is viral. Snottiness is not." They discuss the money thing, and Eleanor says that if Kevin's uncomfortable taking her money, imagine how uncomfortable he'd be with a daughter that's a lap dancer.
Um. Can you imagine Grace as a lap dancer in fifteen years? The most depressing person doing the most depressing job? "Keep your bacteria hands off me and let me gyrate lifelessly for the five minutes. Are you aroused yet? That's just Freud's way of reminding you that we're all going to die one day. Fucking ceaselessly on the lonely animal conveyor belt toward death. I can't even look you in the eye."
Coop drops the magazine about the Top 25 Best Doctors in Manhattan on Eleanor's lap, of whom he is #2, and the ladies collectively spaz. Jackie's reaction is particularly amazing. Eleanor's not even on the list, which is hilarious. In the ER, this guy got mauled by a Great Dane after administering CPR when it had a heart attack on the floor at the North Hampton Dog Show. Coop gets him on morphine and pages Maxillofacial, which Jackie translates quietly and hilariously: "That's because he can't just say Plastics."
The guy's "oil can" mumbling leads them to his testicles, which have fled the scene. Zoey hisses when Jackie finds their absence, and Coop explains that they've migrated -- "Migrated. Like birds," murmurs Zoey weirdly -- in reaction to the animal attack, so now his scrotum is empty. Just when you think you know all the things.
Jackie pages Urology, and Coop whines that he gets to do that, so then he also pages Urology. Outside, the wife is worried about the guy even before we get to the testicle issue, and she worries more about the dog than the man, as Dog People tend to do. She can tell that Jackie gives not a shit about the dog, and bothers her about why she doesn't have dogs. Jackie says she has sons, because she is a random liar with secrets, and the lady won't quit with it, so then the imaginary boys have allergies, and the lady won't quit, so finally to get her off her case Jackie's like, "Oh, by the way, your husband's testicles have migrated. We'll let you know as soon as we find them." That shuts her up.
"God, these gloves are so tight I feel like OJ." Zoey says that's the third time he's cracked that joke -- is this also a diabetes thing? -- and he's all, "Oh, like your material's fresh. Are you wearing eyeshadow?" She says no, but she is, and asks how it looks. Sam says she looks nice, and she goes, "Back off" before twirling away in her chair. It's awesome. Akalitus brings by Coop's plaque with the magazine cover, and Zoey's jaw drops amazingly. Everybody's shocked, except for Sam, who immediately figures out that Coop's got a publicist. Coop stares and doesn't know what to do, and it's amazing, and Akalitus is totally unimpressed, so he finally asks her to take it to his office for him. That does not go well.
Zoey runs to Jackie and they laugh about the publicist, but Jackie stops smiling when she says it was Sam that figured it out. Sam knowing private shit about people, in addition to his rehab? He really is just Jackie Kryptonite. If she had balls they'd migrate. Well, she... You know what I mean.
Eleanor's got an EMT in the ER who has screwed up her middle finger on a gurney. "It's too bad. I had a long list of people I was gonna flip off. I guess I'll have to wait." Heh. Eleanor bitches about Americans and their lists, jerking the lady's hand around until it hurts so bad she almost passes out. She admires the woman's manicure, which she got at her sister's salon, and Eleanor's like, "That's what I'm talking about! Word of mouth, not some poxy list!" She finally jerks the fingers back into alignment so abruptly that the lady nearly throws up. Safe to say Eleanor's bedside manner has gone onto a list of its own today. The whole scene is visceral and mean and sour and funny and bright, but it's weird to see Eleanor treat patients any other way than usual.
Zoey catches Jackie putting her own PIN into the Pyxis (, her birthday) and Jackie lies her ass off for awhile -- Bad Jackie! Bad Jackie! -- before Zoey introduces the minor second patient of the episode: Guy whose cell phone exploded in his face. She's bringing him morphine from the gumball machine, which is her clever new name for the machine. In addition to the eyeshadow, Zoey is appa
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rently also wearing perfume, which Jackie teases convincingly is the same fragrance Mrs. Akalitus wears. What does Gloria smell like? Rose water, or Chanel. Jackie wears nothing, but always smells like lemongrass and linen. Sam smells like heaven, or a Tom Ford. Possibly one of the Burberries. Thor smells like Le Male, which is a really nice smell for such a godawful bottle. Eleanor smells like one of the Poisons, or something from Viktor & Rolf. Eddie smells like futility and cough drops. Coop smells like Axe. Duh.
Gloria grabs Jackie later to cover a half-shift for Triage, and then questions Coop about the Twittering. Jackie explains, as he snorts and texts, that this is because he doesn't have real friends, and Coop brings up Eddie to get her back. This earns quite a look from Jackie, whose faces are on fire this week. "He works over at Excelsior Drugs, right around the corner. But if you followed me on Twitter, you would've known that three hours ago." They make fun of him some more and he babbles about social networking and it's gross and kind of dumb, and then Gloria ascertains that it can't tell her what Bellevue's lowest bid on medical waste removal is, or the fat content of a lemon bar, and is thus useless. Vanquished, Coop runs off just in time for Zoey to sniff Gloria loudly and ask if she wears L.A.M.B., which is actually funny, which this show usually is not when it's trying to be hip and current, vis this entire paragraph. For the record, she does not wear anything by Gwen Stefani.
More snorting in the WC, and outside the stall a lady is drinking liquor out of a water bottle. Jackie tells her to get the fuck, and then calls Kev when she's alone. He can't cover her covering the shift, because he's got to get to Jamaica Bay to get new barstools, but his suggestion -- horrible Ginny Flinn -- is wildly shot down. "She said she's always available," he totally says, and Jackie nearly laughs at how oblivious that is. (Remember for later: This is where Jackie bitches at him about time management and Kevin responds that she's not allowed to give him a hard time because he's for once the one stuck at work. It will be on the test.) Anyway, battle lost but the war's not over: "Do not call Ginny Flynn."
Maxillofacial and Urology are fighting over the body of the migrated testicle dog man, as they've been doing for ten minutes. They take the usual potshots at each other's specialization, and Plastics looks really familiar, but finally the guy oilcans about his balls, so Zoey tries to appease Plastics with the cell phone guy.
Outside, Zoey tells Eleanor where the cell phone guy is, and Eleanor stops her with a detective eye. They have exactly the most amazing conversation the two of them could have, wherein without preamble they just shoot codewords at each other until they arrive at a consensus. Eleanor knows she can't get Zoey to open up about what is clearly a man problem, and Zoey's too petrified generally to actually confide, so it's this mad barking Q&A, with mirrored body language: "Who is he?" Not an actual person. Just a location. Party on Staten Island. "But there will be people there? And there will be one particular person? Hair down." Good call. Business concluded, they twirl away from each other without another thought. That is one of the best scenes they've ever had together, just brilliant.
Jackie menaces Sam in a hallway about "discussing personal information," even though the dork in question was Coop's publicist. He calls her out for hating Coop anyway, and using any excuse to bust his balls, and she gives him a frightening, lingering stare before bouncing. Out in Triage, the drinking lady is about to breastfeed, so Jackie shouts at her in Spanish and hands the kid to the man to her.
Eleanor spots Gloria eating under a giant Jesus statue and grins at her, having never seen her eat. "I like to hide my humanity, Dr. O'Hara. Or at least keep it to a minimum." Eleanor approves. I love this episode because Eleanor is finally talking to other people, and it's amazing. Last season people were convinced she was imaginary. She immediately starts in about Coop's thing in medias res and Gloria's like, "Listen, I've been here since 1978. Stop doing the math. Do you really care what a group of magazine editors that dole out stars for the Best Street Burrito, and Eyeliner, think about healthcare providers?" No. Eleanor rewards her for this humanity by explaining that she just needs Gloria to know she's a better physician, and Gloria rewards her for this very tender admission by acknowledging that Eleanor's in the all-time Top Five. Eleanor grins to herself, facing away, and then jerks. "Wait. Who are the other four?"
Jackie gets home after a shift and a half and who's sitting on her floor playing Candyland with the girls and Kevin? Oh, just Kevin's friend Eddie, who grins and shakes her hand from the floor. And while it's consternating -- Where were the girls today? He certainly didn't hand them over to Eddie for the afternoon -- I'm willing to let it slide; maybe all four of them went over to get the stools together, or something. The important thing is the crazy face on Jackie as her balls migrate north, staring down at Stalker Eddie on her floor, almost impressed with just how talented at being fucked up he really is.
So, not a lot actually happened in this episode. Coop traded the ongoing Twitter nonsense for this new Top 25 storyline, which should be fun, and Zoey's clearly cooking up something nutty, but in terms of the season: Jackie freaked out Kaitlyn, went to work to save lives and act sassy, and then went to her invaded home. Lots of setup, and very enjoyable for an episode of television, but a bit early for the Beartrap Tightening Around Jackie kind of thing we keep expecting. I think we're going to look back on this first act as a slow ramp toward crazy, and as long as it stays this funny and Eleanor continues to charm, we could have twelve Days in the Life and still be an amazing show, so knowing that shit's clearly about to blow up just adds to what was already a pretty great experiment in chilling out.
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