So a man is killed, and blah blah blah his brain is harvested, snore, and put into the body on an artificial whosits, and no one can ever know about it or there'll be big, BIG trouble, buddy. Or something. Whatever.
First this we see is a pair of red Converse-d feet hit the ground as a woman's voice is calling, "Jimmy! Breakfast!" A man wearing a blue cape comes smiling to the table and the woman urges him, "Take your medication -- do it while mommy's watching...." The man swallows some pills and washes them down with milk out of an American flag-patterned glass (cool prop!) and his mom says, "That'll keep the voices down." Jimmy hears voices. Got it.
I guess mommy has gone off to work, because Jimmy leaves the house wearing a plaid blanket strapped on and a Elmer Fudd-esque flappy hat. He heads down the street, cape flying, and a bunch of gangstas hanging out see him coming: "Check him out. Hey Jimmy! Check out those Chucks! You look like a reject from the ABA. Did Dr. J. lend you those? What are you supposed to be, Captain Plaid?" Jimmy says, "No, it's my winter cape." Oh, what playful ribbing! Jimmy has a huge smile on his face as the Friendly Neighborhood Gangstas tease him, but he has to go: "I got a mission." Fine, but the FNGs don't want Jimmy to play down by the empty warehouses: "We get paid a lot of money to keep people away from there." Another FNG says, no, it's okay! It's just JIMMY, after all! What possible harm could he do? The same FNG empties his gun and asks Jimmy if he wants to "do it." Jimmy stands up straight and puts his fists on his hips as the FNG shoots his bullet-free gun right at him. Click. Click. Click. Jimmy loves this and laughs loudly, "HA! HA!" I like Jimmy way better than Artificial Guy. Can he be a regular character? Or just make A.G. retarded; that will do fine. Jimmy leaves, with the FNGs saying things in his wake. "Real tough. Superboy."
Jimmy plays in the empty warehouse, fake flying and shadowboxing, baby. There's a sweet recorder playing. Jimmy laughs in staccato bursts. "HA! HA!" He's having a great time. Then Jimmy comes across a big old box of MX missiles! Whoa! This must be what the FNGs are paid to keep people away from. Jimmy has no use for missiles, and leaves to go play outside. Oh, if we could all be like Jimmy! John Lennon would be so happy for us.
Jimmy is fake flying some more, until a limo takes a corner on two wheels. Jimmy hides. A.G. follows on foot, running like a maniac. Inside the limo are a bunch of Russian dudes, pissing themselves with fear. They yell at each other in Russian (which is conveniently subtitled), "He's right behind us!" Don't these Russian arms dealers have GUNS? Where are the FNGs when you really need them? The limo speeds down to the end of the dock, then wheels around to face A.G. The Russians/subtitles say, "Run him over!" and the limo races back. A.G. pulls a huge iron girder loose and it falls, blocking the limo. The Russians get really scared when A.G. climbs on top of the limo and then flips it over like a pancake, trapping the Russians inside. A.G., like any other action "hero," has a line: "We at Superheroes Anonymous know you have a choice in law enforcement: We're glad you chose us." The Russians sure do protest a lot -- subtitle that, why don't you? Then, after A.G. has done all the work, Dr. M.astermind and the feds arrive. Dr. M. says the rest of the Super Friends can take it from here, A.G. calls Dr. M. Commissioner Gordon, and they're off to the Bat Cave, on 63rd and Madison! They hop in the limo and drive off. Cut back over to Jimmy, just feet away but totally unnoticed, saying over and over again, "63rd and Madison, 63rd and Madison. HA! HA!" Aww! A.G. will finally have a friend to play with!
Theme song! Give me a sign! Unh!
Cut to Roger "Uncle" Bender's office. He's getting some stock info. Oh great, a really boring "B" story. He's fussing and getting info (ticker symbol AQZ, trading at $26.25, so five thousand shares will cost about $5,250) until he decides to buy: "Oh, what the hell." Ah yes, such a cavalier attitude is appropriate when putting over $5000 at risk. The phone rings and he answers, all pissy about being interrupted (um, you weren't doing WORK, Uncle Roger. Slacker) until he learns it's Lisa come to visit. He changes his tune real fast and leaps up to greet her. Roger's always happy to see Lisa. She comes in and thanks him for referring some friends of his to her so they can buy a house and she can get the commission and...hey? What's that you're doing on that there com-pu-tor? Buying stocks? Oh my! Isn't that what people living in a modern age do? Why yes indeedy! Lisa mentions Roger's broker and Roger calls him a "dinosaur." Ouch! Roger says, "Twenty-two-year-olds are becoming millionaires overnight." Just like our Wing Chun! ["Hey, I'm twenty-five! And I'm more like a thousandaire." -- Wing Chun] Roger attempts to give Lisa a lesson on trading stocks online: "All you do in enter the ticker symbol [type type type], put in the number of shares you want to buy [peck peck peck], and voilá!" Lisa asks, "What's AZT? At $5250?" What? Jumpin' jehosephat! Roger checks and it's the Advanced Bowling Design. And the five thousand was supposed to be the price, not the number of shares bought! Hey! Maybe this is how twenty-two-year-olds get rich overnight -- by old geezers like Roger making blunders like this! Roger tries to sell it back but the market has closed for the day! Cue the tubas (tm xix)!
Jimmy is heading uptown. "63rd and Madison, 63rd and Madison. HA! HA!" The recorder plays happily.
A.G. is lifting weights. Work it, earn your money! Dr. M., sadist, suggests they add a thousand pounds to what A.G. is lifting. A.G. says he's still a little sore from overturning that car full of "cockamamies." Dr. M. hisses in disgust (he's not alone) and says they're NOT cockamamies, they're "Kazministanis." Excuse me, but that's a MADE-UP country. WHY would you bother when there's already Kazhakstan, and Azerbaijan, and Afghanistan? Oh right, this show is stupid. Never mind. A.G. makes the same tired jokes about filing a complaint with the union and Dr M. witheringly says, "You have no idea what you just did, do you? But how could you? I don't give you newspapers, TV, radio..." Uh, WE KNOW! So, A.G. has heroically stopped a civil war in the made-up country of Kazministan. Hooray for him! That's what he was built for, no? A.G. knows this and says, "A government-built guy's gotta do what a government-built guy's gotta do." He's said THAT before too! In comes Baldy to say there's a civilian outside who won't leave until he talks to Superman. Oh, they've asked him to leave, but he says he's on a mission. From God? No, that's the Blues Brothers.
Inside the Gilded Gym sits Jimmy with a blindfold on. More kinks! This show is so risqué. Dr. M., A.G., Baldy, and other assorted lackeys we've never seen before surround him in a manner that should be imposing, but, in fact, just looks odd. Jimmy is stating his name for the record: "Jimmy. Jimmy Ferguson. James. James Dewitt Ferguson. I'm on a mission." From God? No. Anyway, Jimmy doesn't have a job, except when he sweeps up at the Dixie for free comics, and it takes about five minutes for the people to realize that Jimmy is mentally disabled. Dr. M. takes the blindfold off, and Jimmy sees A.G. and starts squealing like a teenage girl at a Backstreet Boys concert. Dr. M. asks, "You know him? What makes him so special?" Jimmy is ecstatic as he says, "I've been waiting to meet you my whole life...I saw him catch those bad guys! I was fighting Dr. Diablo and I saw you flip over their car!" A.G. smiles modestly and Dr. M. asks, "Are you sure?" Jimmy gets even more excited and asks A.G., "do you have a name?" A.G. says it's Michael. "No, a superhero name!" Dr. M. excuses himself and takes A.G. aside.
Dr. M. would like to take Jimmy home in a limo. "I think it's safe to say he poses no threat to us, this project, or to national security." A.G., as dim as ever, asks, "What do you think's wrong with him?" Um, he's SLIGHTLY RETARDED, just LIKE YOU. Dr. M. gets all know-it-all-y and says, "He may have a cognitive dysfunction...mental illness. Do you see how he blurs events together? It could be schizophrenia. Perhaps some dementia." Perhaps? What are you, blind? They show Jimmy talking with the lackeys and demonstrating a little fake flying for them as Dr. M. says, "Look at him. He sees movies no one can get into. He hears music no one has written yet." Wow, that's such a poetic way of describing mental illness. Maybe you should stitch that on a pillow! Does he look at paintings no one's gotten around to painting yet, too? How about tasting gourmet meals for which the ingredients haven't finished growing? How about just SEES THINGS THAT AREN'T THERE, you morons!
A.G. and Dr. M. come back out to talk with Jimmy. Dr. M. says that A.G. is not a superhero. Jimmy looks a little bummed as he repeats, "Not a superhero?" Dr. M. spins some yarn about himself being a scientist (well, that's true) and A.G. being in insurance (well, that WAS true), and that they were doing some auto-safety testing. A.G. jumps in, "Cupholder drink worthiness. Believe me, with the hydraulics at work, and the way we tricked that thing out, you could have flipped that car." Oh, SHUT UP, A.G. Dr. M. seals the deal by saying Mr. Newman is not a superhero, because there are no superheroes. "They aren't real." Jimmy looks sad.
Jimmy's in a limo with Dr. M., looking bummed. The recorder even sounds sad. They arrive at Jimmy's house. His mom was worried. Dr. M. says that Jimmy had taken the subway on and had bothered them, and the time Dr. M. may not be around to take him home. Whoa, is that a threat? Not nice, Dr. M.!
The screen reads, "Near Kennedy Airport," and we can head a bunch of planes, not a bird or Superman, flying by. WHOOSH! But the noise doesn't interfere with subtitles, so here we go. There's a Russian -- excuse me, a Kazministani -- talking on the phone. He says, "We can't allow the peace talks to go on. Are the weapons still there? Then assemble a new team." WHOOSH! Plane again.
Roger's on the car phone, calling his old dinosaur of a broker. "Hey Joe! Howareya! Need you to dump this stock, AZT...what? What's that you say? Come again? It's tripled!"
Cut to Roger bragging to a bunch of office cronies about his accidental stock market score. Wow! They say. Yawn, I say. So how did he do it? He's devised a "statistical model." Yeah, it's called TYPING WRONG. His cronies are fooled though, and say, "Go Bender!" They left out the "to hell" part.
We see an office-sized putting green, and hear Roger singing tunelessly: "Luck be a lady tonight!" God, even Marlon Brando sings it better. In comes Craig, middle-management geek extraodinaire, played by Chad "Mr. Hilary Swank" Lowe (see ya at the Oscars, Chad! Hope your wife wins!), and Roger jumps a mile to get back to "working hard." Check your pants for flames, Roger! Craig picks up the putter and putts away snidely. He came by to congratulate Roger for doing so well on the market (which he did at work too). Then he thinks Roger "didn't pick that stock...that stock picked" Roger. The director uses these weird profile shots now, right out of Woody Allen's Interiors. Craig says witheringly, "To score in the market, it takes brains, and it takes..." Say it! "BALLS"! "Cojones"! Anything! Don't just let us dangle like...oh, hell. Craig goes on, "You're lacking in both departments, wouldn't you say?" Roger sputters and says he does in fact have "the stones" to succeed again! He's got a statistical model and everything! And he'll have a stock tip...no, not a tip, "a certainty!" for Craig first thing Monday morning. So, basically, he wimped out. Quite the OPPOSITE of stones, wouldn't you say?
Mom's in the kitchen, calling for Jimmy. "Jimmy! Breakfast!" He comes to the table wearing...a hoodie. No cape! Mom's eyes widen at this: "Where's your costume?" Jimmy looks completely crushed as he says, "There's no such thing as superheroes, mom. Deep down you know that." So sad!
Ding-dong! That's Roger ringing Lisa and Heather's doorbell at 8 o'clock Monday morning. He needs Lisa to call the old dinosaur of a broker and get a tip. Lisa's like, why? Why should I and why would he? And isn't that illegal? Yes, it is. Lisa and Heather look at each other and shrug. Roger says, "Craig thinks I have a knack with stocks," and Heather says, "Kind of like an idiot savant." Zing! Roger is a big chicken and can't stand up to his boss. Lisa says, "Try. The. Truth." Go Lisa! Roger says, "You're right, I'm simply a nincompoop who got lucky," and Heather, on a roll, says, "Uncle Roger, you're not SIMPLY a nincompoop." IT takes Roger a minute to get it but -- zing!
Roger is facing Craig in the office: "You were right the first time. I'm a coward and a fool." Craig crows, "I knew it!" about four times and then dances out, leaving Roger hanging his head, humiliated. Then Craig comes back in. He doesn't BELIEVE Roger, and wants his tip. This part is so boring I start cleaning the dust bunnies out from under my bed. Anyway, Craig threatens Roger's job at Grand Empire, and Roger, as a "tip," recommends investing in Grand Empire. That's what the "model" says.
Over at the Gilded Gym, A.G. is lifting the silver cover off his "glop du jour." Dr. M. comes in and says that there are missiles in a factory and they have to go find them. A.G. says, "Can we ask for the neighborhood missile dealers?" How about the Friendly Neighborhood Gangstas? No, they're just going to canvass the neighborhood and hope somebody saw something.
Cut to a montage of lackeys knock-knocking and asking questions of people in Jimmy's neighborhood as Dr. M. and A.G. hang in the limo. Baldy comes up and says that, even with forty men on the case, they're "coming up negative." A.G suggests they ask Jimmy. Dr. M. says, "Why stir him up? He's just a person." A.G. says, "Yeah, like me." He's slow like you, that is!
Knock knock. Jimmy opens his door with the chain on and looks out at A.G., asking, "What are you doing here?" A.G. says he needs his help. Jimmy slams the door and gets all mad, saying there ARE no superheroes, and he didn't see any of this, right? RIGHT! A.G. slams his fists through Jimmy's front door and Jimmy gets all happy again.
A.G. and Jimmy are cruising down the street. Jimmy has his cape on again. A.G. is cape-less. Jimmy's super-happy, saying, "I knew it! You're gonna fix my front door before my mom comes home, right?" Right. A lady wolf-whistles at A.G. (do we HAVE to be reminded of how attractive A.G. is all the time?) and says, "Hey Jimmy, who's your friend? I got some Wonder Woman for him!" Go, horny lady! Jimmy asks A.G. if he has a girlfriend and A.G. says he used to but doesn't see her much anymore. Oh, this old song again?
A scary piano starts up as Jimmy and A.G. explore the factory. They come across the missiles, and a bunch of Russian dudes milling around. A.G. says he needs Jimmy to be his lookout and to stay up here, and to scream is anyone comes in. Then A.G. shimmies across a beam and drops down right among the Russians. There's some glib talk, one guy gets kicked, and the other two don't draw their guns and lie down when instructed to, and then in walk the Friendly Neighborhood Gangstas and a guy with a large machine gun. A.G. bluffs his way around, and stalls, and then JIMMY JUMPS DOWN to join A.G.! An FNG yells, "Jimmy!" and then SHOOTS HIM RIGHT IN THE CHEST! THEN the Feds bust in. A little late! A.G. looks really concerned. Jimmy looks really hurt! His mom's gonna have more things to worry about than just the front door!
Roger's in his office reading the ersatz Wall Street Journal, a.k.a. Marketplace. The headline reads, "Grand Empire Announces Merger." Craig comes in, shitting himself. "Did you see this? Do you know how bad this looks? This is awful!" Craig bought 10,000 shares. "How many did you buy?" Roger didn't buy any. Then the phone rings -- its' someone from the SEC, to talk to Craig.
Hospital. Jimmy's hooked up to tubes and machines but still smiles when he sees A.G. enter. A.G. says, "I hear you're a hero who busted up some domestic terrorists." Jimmy says he had some help, adding, "Your secret identity is safe with me. Remember when you were talking about your girlfriend and how you don't see her much anymore? Well, that's how it has to be. Superman doesn't get Lois Lane." A.G. says, "Oh yeah? Well what does Superman get?" Jimmy, Zen master of the obvious, says, "He gets to be Superman." Aww!