Okay, one more time: A man falls under a subway train and dies, but not really, because his brain is stolen and placed into the body of an Artificial Guy. And, no one, not even his beloved wife Lisa or daughter Heather Matarazzo can know about it. That's the premise of the show, got it? I most certainly have.
"Before" on Now and Again; Lisa tells Artificial Guy to "stay out of my life!" The General wonders why the Doctor would want to sabotage his career by running away with the A.G. when he went all catatonic; Dr. M tells A.G. that until the funding is reinstated for the project, he is "not to leave this townhouse;" Lisa's office cronies say they think the Handsome Arrogant Guy is a good prospect; Lisa says yes, the HAG can call her over the weekend.
It's a Monday morning, and Roger Bender is in the elevator on his way up to begin slaving away for the man. Some elevator-riding dude makes a crack, "good thing the windows don't open on twenty-three. Craig is on a tear and going through the deadwood." Roger looks nervous. Oh, pay no mind to office gossip, Roger.
Roger opens the door to his office and - oh no! - Craig, middle-management geek extraordinare, is sitting behind his desk! This situation looks like it's got potential for some hilarious misunderstanding. Craig asks, "Do you know why I'm here?" Roger thinks he's getting fired and says yes. Craig says, "This isn't easy," and Roger says, "I'm a big boy, I've got a contract and attorneys... just get this over with." Craig comes around the desk and holds out an envelope. Roger takes it, opens it, and reads it with baited breath... it's an invitation to a gala event with "Senator Cragen," whoever that may be. Roger is so flustered that he coughs. Not as hilarious as I had hoped, but a misunderstanding nonetheless. Craig is very sorry he can't go but is happy to send Roger, "an elder statesman," in his place. It seems Senator Cragen is an ally to the insurance industry. How totally boring. Roger says "it would be (his) pleasure." Craig is like, are you sure? "With all this talk of attorneys..." Roger ushers Craig out and lying, says, "I like you Craig, I really like you." I'm happy to say I would lick a frog before I lied to anyone like that.
Cut to Roger, on the phone with his invisible wife. Yes, it's true her voice is by Christine Baranski; it's on the IMDB. Anyway, Roger's wife is refusing to go to the event with him because, a) Senator Cragen is "so crooked he walks sideways," and b) she just had a face peel and can't go out. Oh no! What will Roger do!
Cut to Lisa's new office. As she enters, Dr. Mastermind gives a little smooth and mellow voice over: "Dance Agnes DeMille said destiny is made known silently." Okaaay. Lisa looks up and every office crony she has is staring at her silently. What, are they pod people now? Lisa makes the announcement that the HAG did NOT in fact call her over the weekend like he had said he would. "He didn't call. I don't care." Good for you, Lisa. As she sits at her desk the nearest crony is all like, "Psst," and holds up two tickets for... a singles dance! Lisa stifles her laughter (but you don't have to) and says she does NOT need to go dancing to get over the HAG. The crony suggests that maybe they just need "to boogie," and makes the appropriate groovy dance-type gestures. Lisa says when she does in fact need to boogie, she will call the crony, but until then, she'll be just fine. And oh, is that the phone? Yes! It's Roger. He needs a favor. Okay, Lisa will do that. Roger is to pick her up at 8 p.m. for the Senator Cragen gala thing. See, who needs singles dances? You've got crooked senator parties to go to!
Dr. Mastermind and A.G. are hanging around on the docks downtown. Waiting for the fleet to come in, perhaps? They're waiting for someone, and here he comes now. It's the General! Oh yes, this all seems above-board and normal. Standing about half an inch away from Dr. M, the General says he needs a favor performed - not for the Pentagon, but "for me personally." Sigh. It seems as though Senator Cragen has in his possession some photographs of The General in a compromising position. "Pictures of a personal matter, showing that I indulge in a lifestyle not fitting to military personnel." Oh my, General! What about this whole don't ask/don't tell thing? Are we not doing that anymore? The General then goes on to say that if Dr. M and A.G. don't help him retrieve the photos, it might hurt them in some kind of roundabout way. Whatever. So, against their better judgement, they agree to help by stealing the photos that are encrypted on a disk locked in a safe, and the General tells them about the "basket-passing social" the Senator is having tonight... "It's perfect! A man that never existed goes to a party and breaks into a safe!" It's too bad the General doesn't have a mustache to twirl, because he could really use one.
At home, Lisa-Mom is modeling a black evening gown for Heather's approval. Heather doesn't like it. "What is that look?" asks Lisa. "It's just too BLACK," says Heather. Lisa rips another gown out, desperate for Heather's approval. Of the brown gown, Heather says, "You want to get noticed, not offered shelter." Hee. Lisa grabs another black gown and Heather just yawns in her face. Heather then goes to the closet herself, shuffles through the hangers until she sees something that makes her smile, and hands it to her mom. It's a red dress. Lisa protests, "Oh no, not that one. I haven't worn that since..." Heather interrupts with, "Since the last time you wanted to be noticed in a crowd?" A sultry saxophone starts up with "It Had to Be You."
The magic saxophone carries over to the Gilded Gym, where A.G. is checking himself out in his tux. Dr. M says there's a mirror in the car and "you can continue this love affair with yourself there." Hee hee! A.G., still staring at his reflection, says, "I wonder what Lisa would think." Sigh!
Cut to Lisa, primping in the car. Roger, behind the wheel, is thanking her a lot for coming out with him. "It's no small thing," he says. "I'm happy to help," she says. They're to make an impression on the Senator, and remind him that Grand Empire, the diabolical insurance company, is representing at the party. Lisa, still primping, parrots, "Make an impression, got it." Come on Lisa, the pressure's on!
Dr. M and A.G. are in the limo, headed to the same party Lisa's going to! Oh man! Tonight, A.G. will be posing as William Lerner, dot-com millionaire, just like our own Wing Chun! How meta! A.G. says "have you heard of DominatrixPizza.com? If you don't give a good enough tip, you get beaten. I just made that up!" Buh-dum-dum. Dr. M glowers until A.G. says he isn't going to use that routine at the party. Dr. M says A.G. is "not to make any impression at the party," just to get in, go to the fifth floor, crack the safe, get the disk, and get out. A.G. says he gets it. Dr. M says, "Damn right." Then A.G. tries again with "PizzaDungeon.com," which is met with stony silence from the Doc. Me too, see (stony silence).
Now we get to the "ooh, that was close!" part of the show. Lisa and Roger enter the party. "It Had to be You" is playing. Roger says the party "sounds lively." Oy, what an insulting phrase; once, I thought I wasn't insulting a guy in a ska band by saying their set was "lively," and he saw right through it. Oops.
Then A.G. rolls up, says he's nervous since this is his "first dress-up robbery," and Dr. M says he'll "talk him through it," via earpiece.
Lisa checks her coat and Roger says "Wowsa!" of her red strapless dress. Nice vocab, not. What is this, the thirties? Bathtub gin, anyone?
A.G. checks his coat seconds later.
At the party, Roger checks in as "Roger Bender and Guest." Uh, HER NAME IS LISA. A.G. is right behind them. Roger and Lisa have a glass of champagne and look for the Senator, but they can't pick him out because in tuxedos, "everyone looks like a waiter." I thought tuxedos made people look like penguins. Oh well, same thing, not. Lisa and Roger head into the ballroom to... dance. Made you look!
Just as Lisa and Roger exit, A.G. starts working the room, grabbing canapés and glasses of champagne willy-nilly. Dr. M, in a little aluminum control room, talks to him via earpiece. Dr. M wants to get this retrieval/robbery over with. A.G. wants to "take my tux for a spin... so it can mingle with all the other tuxes." Hee. Dr. M tells him to get upstairs and A.G. obeys, for once in his life. But wait! "Not so fast, Truman Show!" Goons, guarding the stairs! A.G. is prevented from carrying out his mission. Dr. M has a map of the Senator's place with a blinky light to indicate where A.G. is, and can redirect A.G.
As A.G. heads back into the ballroom, up pops the General. "Been upstairs yet? That's where all the action is." A.G.'s getting there; this is an hour-long show. Then - woah! - here comes the Senator! A.G. introduces himself as his pseudonym and the General pads his story a bit. The Senator asks A.G. what he thinks about people "registering domain names illicitly" (hello, it's called cyber-squatting), and A.G. um-errs his way through until Dr. M takes over in the earpiece. He feels it impacts e-commerce, and should be stopped. Whatever! So then A.G. excuses himself and heads to the ballroom and sees Lisa undulating by the bandstand. Drool, drool, drool, goes A.G. "Not that red dress!" Oh, yes indeed, bub. Wowsa!
After the badly placed commercial break, we're back at the ballroom, where A.G. is licking his lips at the sight of Lisa undulating in her red dress. He tries to head around her and bumps into a blonde lady who's instantly smitten by A.G. "Gee you're cute!" They dance, so A.G. can avoid being spotted by Lisa and Roger.
Too late! Roger thinks he's seen Mr. Wiseman. Lisa hopes not - she's sick of that guy. Sing it, sister.
As A.G. dances with the blonde, Dr. M asks, "Are you spinning in circles?" Yup. To divert the blonde lady, A.G. fakes seeing a mouse. Mouse! Eeek! The blonde lady screams, and other ladies follow suit. I'd love a lady-jumping-up-on-a-chair-shot, but I don't get one. Waah! Anyway, A.G. slips through a door and into a kitchen, undetected.
The kitchen scene is giving me flashbacks to La Femme Nikita, except for the action and good acting part. Sigh. A.G. bends the bars on a window and heads outside, onto a ledge.
Now, he has to scale a wall, using only his hands to dig into the concrete and pull himself up. Don't get your tux all dirty! Too late. "What's that they say? Necessity's a motha." They do NOT say that.
So, A.G. scales the wall, and then he lands in the room with the safe, which is cleverly hidden behind a painting of George Washington. "Could be worse; could have been Elvis." Or a VELVET Elvis, that would have been GREAT. A.G. takes his teeny tiny flashlight and the combination (very convenient) and goes to work. Rats! The combination doesn't work! Can't he just rip the door off? No, that would trigger the alarm. So, following the Doc's orders, A.G. pulls the SAFE out of the wall, and punches a hole in the back to get the disk. WHATEVER. Then, as A.G. looks out of the window in which he entered, he sees a goon looking at him. "Oh no," he says, "I was hoping not to dirty this tux."
The goon enters the room. He sees no one and leaves. Then, from behind the painting of George Washington, out pops A.G.! He had wedged himself into the hole where the safe usually is. What an unobservant goon, no? A.G. high-tails it down the stairs to rendezvous with the General. But wait! There's Lisa and Roger in the ballroom! They still haven't made an impression on the Senator yet. They chase after him, and does this sound like an episode of Scooby Doo to you, too? Just checking. A.G. gets the General's attention and offers up the disk. "Not here...not now! I can't afford to have anyone see you make the exchange. Wait one song and meet me downstairs." NOW A.G. gets a bad feeling about all this. A.G stands, there as "It Had To Be You" starts up AGAIN, and the blonde lady, the Senator, and Lisa all walk right by him in the same instant. Lisa does a double take and gives A.G. a piece of her mind. A.G. asks her to dance and she runs away. Then, as Roger tries desperately to impress the Senator, goons arrive and whisper in the Senator's ear. Lisa comes up and tells Roger she wants to leave -- now. The goons whisper and the Senator lets words escape from his lips at intervals, like "fifth floor!", and "my study," and finally, "the disk! Will you excuse me!" He splits.
The song ends. A.G. tries to get to the General, waiting by the coat check, but with goons and Lisa everywhere, it's hard to make a move. So, being an artificial guy, he leaps over the railing and falls a few floors to arrive right in front of the General. The General thought that was a neat trick, didn't you? Then Lisa and Roger push by to get their coats, just in time to see A.G. and the General make the exchange. But wait! What's this? The Senator! "Stop! There are top secret documents on that disk! If you give it to him you'll be an accomplice in treason!" A.G. is having doubts now. The General nags him to do it: "I can't believe you don't trust me! I'm your friend; that man is a politician!" Roger says, you got my vote sir! As he and Lisa squeeze by with their coats. Oh no! The General has grabbed Lisa and is POINTING a GUN at her! She screams and A.G. looks sick. A whole "give me the disk/don't hurt her" thing happens, and why is A.G. just standing there? Do something! Finally he gets the General to point the gun at him and tosses the disk to the Senator. The General than shoots A.G. at close range about eight times! Lisa screams again and runs off to Roger. A.G., with his last ounce of strength, throttles the General until he says he can't breathe. Them A.G. says, "That's okay, I think I'm bleeding to death," and the both slowly collapse. Fade to black.
The black screen says, "8 days later." A.G. is in the hospital, with tubes and things sticking out of him. Lisa comes in! She says A.G is a hard guy to come and see - she had called lots of hospitals and papers and no one knew anything about it! Wow, imagine that. She brought him a book, too: the new Grisham. Her husband used to like Grisham. Hoo boy. A.G. looks at her with so much sweet, sweet love in his eyes I'm surprised maple syrup isn't rolling down his face like tears. Then she thanks him for saving his life and asks, "Who are you?" A.G. radiates more love and opens his mouth and - bam! - in walks Dr. M "Hey, there he is! Oh, hello, I heard you were there that night too! Sounds like things got pretty wild!" Duh. Lisa excuses herself and says she was happy to see A.G. is all right. A.G., with birds cheep-cheeping around his head, says, "I'm happy you came to see me too." Lisa leaves, and A.G. promptly begins to take the tubes and stuff off himself. Dr. M is like, "I think you were about to tell her the truth!" A.G. says he was touched that Lisa brought a book but that he "was hoping for chocolate." Aren't we all, A.G.? Aren't we all!