An ordinary man falls to his death...or does he? He doesn't: He (that is, John Goodman) has had his brain "harvested" and placed in the body of an artificial guy half his age and twice as buff. The other thing is that no one from his past (wife Lisa and daughter Heather) can know it's really him in there, under penalty of death. So I'm told. So don't tell, 'kay?
"Before," on Now and Again, Lisa told off Artificial Guy ("I know who you are!" but she really doesn't, see?); Dr. M.orris (a.k.a. Dr. M.astermind) told A.G. he could "never leave this townhouse" (boo hoo!); Lisa told A.G., "Get out of my life!"; and Dr. M. asked A.G. if he understood that he could never be alone in the townhouse again. A.G. got it the first time and looked...well, his face is very pretty...maybe that's a bummed expression? Yeah, he's bummed.
At the homestead, Lisa is whipping something up in a blender as Heather regards her, and the murky beverage, suspiciously. "He's not gonna drink that, you know...does that have active cultures in it? He doesn't trust anything with active cultures." Sounds like someone's daddy's little girl. Lisa takes a sip, makes an ick face, and says huskily, "Maybe too much yogurt." Then, adding a few spoonfuls of sugar, she calls, "Honey! Breakfast!" Hey! "Honey" is John Goodman! So this is the flashback, "again" part of this week's Now and Again! Anyway, John Goodman comes in and things start getting good on this show. "Something is amiss," he says, "I don't smell bacon. Isn't there a law in the state of New York that specifically requires bacon, or sausage, or some kind of breakfast meat what is that sludge? Is it a crafts project? Were you planning to grout the sink?" John Goodman can actually deliver this dialogue and make it not as sickening as it is to read. He's that good! Lisa loves her husband as played by John Goodman and smiles, saying, "Go ahead and make fun." John Goodman sits down at the table (Heather's grinning too; everyone on the set is lit up like a Christmas tree -- they're that happy John Goodman is here) and grabs a Pop-Tart, saying, "Did you make these, honey? They look good." Hee hee. Lisa moves into light nag mode, and asks, "Was than an act? That speech you made about watching what you ate?" John Goodman really is a good actor, I don't blame you for buying it. John Goodman wheedles, "Can't I watch myself eat a couple of fried eggs and bacon?" Oh, and John Goodman won't be home for dinner, he'll be out late with clients, okay honey? Lisa glowers and John Goodman asks, "Are you not talking to me now? I like it!" Lisa says HA HA HA and worries more about John Goodman's health. He's very fat, you know. John Goodman reassures her, saying all he-speaks-too-soon-y and we-already-know-he's-gonna-die-so-it's-ironic-y, "Honey, I'm gonna be around for a while. You're stuck with me." Lisa's like, "You think so?" and John Goodman's like, "I know so." But you and I know different now, don't we?
Theme song! Give me a sign! Unh!
Dateline: Somerset, N.J. John Goodman's in his car, waiting at a train crossing, or as I like to call them, "train xings." Since a train is crossing in front of him, he whips out his cell phone and calls Roger Bender. "Yeah, the dinner meeting went well, the clients are actually right behind me. I'll fill you in on all the gruesome details later." The car's headlights look like they're flashing due to the slowly moving train crossing in front of him. John Goodman blinks a few times and looks strange. Then, as the last train car moves away, we hear a car horn honk, as is someone is leaning on it. Other card start honking impatiently, and one guy yells "Yo! Hey you, c'mon!" Finally the guy in the car behind John Goodman gets out and walks ten feet to find John Goodman slumped over the wheel, making the horn honk. "Michael! Oh my god!"
Cut to "Now," at the Gilded Gym. A.G. is in bed, staring at the ceiling. Dr. M., across the lit-up lap pool on a cot, calls out to him. Honey? Mr. Wiseman? Are you asleep? A.G. starts whining about how, since he's been confined to the Gilded Gym, one day bleeds into the and "all he wants to do is die -- oh wait, I already did that." Dr. M., ignoring this cry for help, says he can't sleep either. He's worried about tomorrow, when A.G. has to jump through hoops to insure that the funding for this project will be reinstated. Gee, I do hope the funding stays in place. What would happen in this show -- I mean this project -- gets canceled? I'd be so sad, not. A.G. says not to worry, and that they've practiced a lot (now there's a lost opportunity for some Six Million Dollar Man montage scenes), and Dr. M. says, "It's not you I'm worried about; it's the politics." Ah yes, the politics of government are such a pain, can't they just do away with politics in government? Anyway, in thirty days the A.G. Project will run out of funding. Tick tick tick! A.G. says that he'll be in the "giant Hefty bag" put out on the corner, so he's motivated to do well, and all Dr. M. has to worry about is what the science thing he works on will be, like making dogs talk or curing the common cold. Ooh, I root for talking dogs! Now THAT would be a great show! Talking ROBOT dogs, like Wishbone but extra-powerful! And with the gift of flight! That's the kind of show I want to recap! Anyway, Dr. M. feels better now, after having talked out his anxiety, and puts on his robe to go to the bathroom. A.G. makes a crack about how, if they do well tomorrow, maybe they can get a new light bulb in the bathroom, which is flickering. Dr. M. is like, yeah right! "You've obviously never worked with a government agency before. Now try and get some sleep." A.G. mutters, "A scientist works from sun to sun, but a lab rat's job is never done." WHATEVER.
Cut to "again," at a hospital in Somerset, N.J.. John Goodman is getting looked at to see what made him black out. "What is it, Doc?" he asks. No one knows, and that's not good. "It could be a problem with the heart, or the brain." John Goodman rolls his eyes and says, "As long as it's nothing major. Does anyone know I'm here?" Because he doesn't want to "panic" anyone. The police might have called someone, says the doc, but he didn't. Um, since when do hospitals NOT notify friends and family? Anyway, the doc makes an appointment for John Goodman which he writes down as "Francis, 3 PM, Friday." The Doc also tells John Goodman, "No exercise, eat lightly, no sex." John Goodman rolls his eyes at the first two commands and winces at the last. Ooh la la! That lusty, multi-appetited man!
Cut to John Goodman creeping home, all late. He sneaks upstairs and a sleepy Lisa asks how it went, causing John Goodman to jump a mile. He said it was fine and she tells him about "Sophomore Parents Night." Then she tries to make love to him and he rebuffs her! He said that he's "under pressure at work." Damn that doctor's orders he can't/won't tell her about! Her feelings are hurt, and her suspicions aroused.
A little piano music ("Heart and Soul") brings us back to the Gilded Gym, where Dr. M. overslept and runs to the bathroom where A.G. is already showering. "Mr. Wiseman! I left my watch in there." No response. "Mr. Wiseman, I need my watch." No reply. Dr. M. goes in and starts fussing at the sink, saying he needs to get in the shower. We can see in the mirror over the sink that A.G. is slumped catatonically against the shower wall, and finally Dr. M. sees and, under the flickering light of the bathroom, goes to help.
After the ads for the Grammy Awards (who cares?), we're back. A.G. is still unconscious, on an operating table surrounded by Dr. M. and his lackeys. Dr. M. is worried that the host body has rejected the brain. I think I should make a joke here, about something being rejected by something, or my brain rejecting something, but it's just too easy so I'll skip it. Anyway, Dr. M. addresses A.G. and says he's "going to try something...it may hurt." Then he applies two paddles to the sides of A.G.'s head and electrocutes him. Twice. Nothing happens, and a lackey says he thinks A.G. is braindead. The doc goes nuts and slams the lackey against the wall, yelling at him. I still don't care.
In comes the General, all ready to inspect A.G. He says he thinks New York is an odd place to have a top-secret lair; he calls it "hiding in plain sight." Yeah! Batman and Superman and Wonder Woman were all way out of that way -- what's up with this New York City townhouse hideout? Dr. M. says lamely that it's close to both the United Nations and Washington. Hey, in the future, while scouting locations for cheesy shows, how about PHILADELPHIA, hello, birthplace of the constitution. We've got townhouses CHEAP over here, check it out. Look up Sharon Pinkeson of the Philadelphia Film Office, she'll help you. Anyways, the General says that Dr. M. sounds like "a proud father," and then asks, "where's our boy?" Our boy is still totally unconscious, lying on an operating table like a loaf. "Oh my god!" exclaims the General.
Cut to the General high-tailing it out of the townhouse. But he's only been like this for four or five hours, explains Dr. M. The General is freaking. He's got to explain this to the President in twenty-four hours! Oh no! Maybe they'll have to cancel the show! (Can anyone see me crossing my fingers?)
Taking us back to "Again," we land at John Goodman/Michael's office where Roger is yammering away. John Goodman is paying no attention. Hey! Neither am I! We have so much in common, John Goodman and I. Oh, but wait, John Goodman has to go...to a "thing." He doesn't tell Roger the truth; he lies and says he's going to meet Lisa. Roger's all confused and hurt-looking, and says, "Good luck with the thing!"
Ready for a montage scene? This one cuts between "Now," with our catatonic A.G., and "Again," featuring a worried-looking, vibrant John Goodman. A piano starts up and sounds not unlike the scary theme to Halloween. Michael/John Goodman gets a CAT scan, and Dr. M. worries over the motionless A.G. John Goodman says he doesn't want his family doctor notified, and Dr. M. is like, pull out all the stops so we can figure out what this is! This goes back and forth until the spooky piano fades into a limp version of "Heart and Soul." The montage cuts into a home video of the Wiseman family of old...Heather, Lisa and John Goodman all at the piano, banging away. Sort of like a Blair Witch Project of piano-playing home videos. Heather points the camera up to her face, cries, then apologizes. I wish. The camera goes all tilt-y, and John Goodman says, "This is the MTV shot!" Lisa whines, "Hoon-eey, we already have thirty-five videos of this." Hey, I take millions of photos of my dog; it's what people do. You film what you know! And this family KNOWS how to play "Heart and Soul" on the piano. Oh boy. The scene ends with the home-video family shot fading into a shot of a pile of rocks...I mean another shot of the CAT-scan thingy.
Back at the office, Roger answers his phone. Oh no! It's Lisa! Calling to talk to Michael! Roger stammers, "Uh, uh, no, he isn't here! I thought he went to meet you?" You lose, Roger! Lisa's all like, "Is that what he SAID?" Roger's like, lemme check, and, sweating, puts her on hold. Oh, you are so dead, Roger.
Dr. M., asleep in the car (he's being driven), is roused by a cell phone ringing. It's the Bald Guy, saying he's looked at Michael Wiseman's medical records and it doesn't say anything about this catatonic state thing. Okay then.
The screen announces that we're at the Pentagon. In a normal-looking office, Dr. M. is talking with the General. "Thanks for flying in," says the General. "I have good news." Dr. M. says stupidly, "Good news is always worth flying in for." Exqueeze me? In spite of A.G.'s present uselessness, the Government is still planning to bankroll this project. Smart, no? I have three words -- mechanical toilet seats. Dr. M. is happy about this. Duh. Then the General, smacking his hands together, asks when the new brain is going in.
Back at the Gilded Gym, A.G. sits in bed like the buff lump that he is as Dr. M. drags in, with the moody piano music going full-tilt. But I LIKE this brain, wails Dr. M., as he throws himself full-length on A.G.'s prone body. Kidding.
Breakfast. "To comply with state law," Lisa made sizzling meats. Heather says, "I'd go for it, daddy, before she whips out the blender again." Good call, Heather. Michael will just have coffee, thanks. What? First no sex and now no sizzling breakfast meats? Lisa makes a face that says, oh you are SO under suspicion, husband of mine. She then asks Heather to excuse herself, and Heather says she's not ten. Lisa growls, "Do you want to live to be twenty?" and Heather skedaddles. The usual jealous husband n'wife fight happens -- it was better on Beverly Hills, when Brandon was lying to Kelly. Anyway, Michael doesn't tell Lisa anything, but says she has to "trust" him, and "what's the problem?" Then he LEAVES, and if he's not telling her about his mysterious medical condition to spare her from worry, he's doing JUST THE OPPOSITE of that by keeping the truth from Lisa when she THINKS HE'S HAVING AN AFFAIR with "Frances, 3 PM" like on the note she found. Why do these things happen? As he leaves, Lisa says, "Thanks for working this through!" Sarcasm -- always present in adult relationships. Does it help? Maybe.
At the office, Roger comes in and Michael starts messing with HIS head. "I'm a pretty honest guy, right?" Roger says, "Sometimes too honest for your own good." What? Is being too honest for your own good when you say "yes" to the question "Do I look fat?" I missed Jim Carrey's Liar, Liar, so I DON'T know how hilarious too much truth can be. Anyway, Michael wants to take out an extra half-million dollars' worth of life insurance but wants to skip the medical exam and won't say why. Roger asks, "Do you want to buy me a drink?" Yeah, get drunk first -- then cheating is easy!
In the dive bar where insurance agents go for a shot and a beer, some horrid lite jazz is playing, but not so loudly that you can't hear John Goodman breathing heavily. God, he sounds like Darth Vader. Dude, get that looked at, will you? John Goodman has a lovely soliloquy about how in life, "there's always another thing," like wiping out on your big wheel or getting super-drunk in college or birthing babies, and now this: blackouts. Roger has his head in his hands and is gazing at John Goodman as if they're the only two people alive right now, and they've never been closer, and then the mood is killed by John Goodman opening up his enormous gullet and pouring a whole beer down his throat like that guy on the stupid Man Show.
Now it's "now." They're wheeling in A.G. for brain replacement. Me please! The new brain is a twenty-seven-year-old cop from Boston. That would be a whole new accent and everything! A nurse person asks if Dr. M. wants her to shave and prep the head now. Dr. M. says no, he'll do it; it will "give (him) a chance to say goodbye." Aww!
Some medical-type people wheel in a bald head under a sheet. They strap on rubber gloves and fire up their power tools. But then -- gasp! -- the bald head makes a noise! It's BALD LACKEY, with a lump on his noggin! Dr. M. pulled a switcheroo!
Yup, Dr. M. is driving with A.G. sitting up in the backseat. "Keep your seatbelt fashioned, I have a feeling we're in for a bumpy ride!" Hey, if you're going to paraphrase Bette Davis in All About Eve, you could at LEAST try to do her voice!
Helicopters. The general is confused. Isn't there a tracking device in it's head, he asks Bald Lackey? Yes, but the doctor is "jamming it somehow." Does that sound dirty to you? Just checking. Can the doc be replaced? Yup, says Bald Lackey. See, the doc IS like Giles! Is he taking the prototype to a foreign agent? The doc is a "patriot," says Bald Lackey. Is this show ever going to get espionage-y? No, says Bald Lackey. Just kidding, I said that.
It's "Again" time. One more test for Michael. His doctor is going to flash light in his eyes. When he does, we hear a choo-choo noise and we see the train Michael was stuck waiting for in the beginning of the show -- everyone remember? Then he passes out. When he comes to, he asks, "Photo-what?" Oh man. It's photosensitivity. The doctor says, "Remember those Japanese cartoons...[flashing light] sets off something in the brain." What an unscientific explanation! A prescription will take care of the problem. Oh sure, take a pill, that's your solution for EVERYTHING. Oh, and the doctor says John Goodman "weighs too damn much." Well there's a pill for that now too, isn't there, doc?
"Now," in a fleabag of a hotel, with the "L" burned out of the sign so it's really a HoTe. (Singing) Take the L out of Ho-tel and it's ooo-ver...sorry. A.G. is catatonically sitting up on the bed. If he could talk he'd say, like the Tin Man, "mmmagic ffingers!" Dr. M. says the microwaves from his cell phone can only jam the tracking device in A.G.'s head for so long. Like I really needed that explained for me. The helicopters start up again, and Dr. M. goes to the window to peep through the blinds. The flashing light of the HoTe sign makes A.G.'s eye twitch. But -- oh no! -- it isn't enough to bring him back. Dang. Then Dr. M. points out that "most of us pathetic souls only have to die once," and asks "You wanna go home?" Oh my god Dr. M., GET A LIFE OF YOUR OWN.
So, with the digital snow falling, Dr. M. and A.G. are parked in front of A.G.'s old house. Dr. M. says, "Oh, I am a fool." YUP! The helicopters start up and Dr. M. is like, "If I don't tell your wife, she'll never know!" DUH! So he goes to tell Lisa what the truth is. The scary piano starts and drums start pounding. The doc is just WALKING DOWN the front path -- WHY is there scary music?! He gets there and cop cars roll up, Bald Lackey jumps out and yells through a megaphone to give up. The flashing lights shine on A.G.'s face. Bling Blong! Lisa opens the door and slams it when she sees it's the Doc. "Go! Go! Go! I don't want to see you and I don't want to see him!" Him? Wha? It's A.G.! He's out of the car and...CATCHING FALLING SNOWFLAKES ON HIS TONGUE! I guess he just walked by Baldy and the General who were busy with the megaphone. Dr. M. smiles and says, "Welcome back." A.G. mentions they have to stop by a drugstore and get a prescription. Oy. They walk back to the car and A.G. spies Heather in the upstairs window. She waves. He waves back. That's IT?!
No, that isn't it...another flashback! John Goodman comes home and calls for Lisa. He goes to the piano and asks her to join him in a little "Heart and Soul." They play horribly until she spies his prescription. He tells her what Dr. Francis gave him and that his condition is no big deal and that the doctor said he was too fat. Lisa's like, yeah he did, and John Goodman cries. Heather, sitting on the steps eavesdropping, smiles. Her parents made up! And her dad is too fat! Aww! "Heart and Soul" swells and it's a happy ending! Yay!