In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.
It seems Xena's name is Helen Burton, and with all apologies to the beauty from Troy and her namesakes, I was all like, "Helen? Really, Show?" So I did a web search on the name to see if there was some superhero connection I wasn't making, but Google gave me no love. Then I tried "Helen Burton comic books" and learned that "Helen Burton" is an alias of The Huntress. Thanks to my comic geeker friends, I've actually heard of her. Neat. But you're here for a recaplet, not my so-called web history, so let's get to it.
Xena (I don't care why she's Helen Burton, she's Xena) fires the Evil Dr. RevCam King, because she's even eviler. Either she or RevCam have some electrical super villain kill Professor Dick. Jim and JJ find the corpse, and later Jim and George take a mercifully short time figuring out that a super hero probably did the dirty deed. I appreciate the lack of dithering, because it's not like they're not going to get there eventually. Jim also figures out that whoever put the hit on Professor Dick is probably after JJ. He calls home to warn his family, but the power goes out and the line goes dead before he can get the words out. I guess Stephanie must have been on a cordless extension of the landline, but I'm not going back to check right now. Jim heads off to protect his family and George calls Stephanie's mobile phone, but she's too busy dealing with the blackout to notice. JJ goes out to check the circuit board -- no, I don't know why that would be outside, except that's where JJ needs to be, to be kidnapped by Electra-Man, who brings him to Xena. Xena wants JJ to figure out how the Powells' were permanently empowered, because she has 80 convicts she wants to set lose on the world for fun and profit, which still seems really dumb to me. Wouldn't she have more control over them if they were depending on her to refuel their powers?
Anyhow, the rest of the episode finds Jim, Stephanie and Daphne working in concert to break JJ out of Xena's super-containing facility. Dr. King poses as the Powells' ally, and he does help them a lot, until he intentionally shoots Jim (who, by that point, had been captured by Xena and given a shot of his kryptonite). King still wants Steph, so he's rather peeved that an alive Jim interrupts just as King is lying to Steph that he found Jim's corpse. There are struggles and zooping, and finally JJ takes King down for good, by throwing a hypodermic needle full of the antidote at him and hitting him RIGHT IN THE EYE. King has been on the trilsettum for eons, fighting off his fatal cancer. Once the antidote hits his system (RIGHT IN THE EYE -- I MENTIONED THAT PART, RIGHT?), King is instantly overcome by tumors and dies.
Meanwhile, Charlotte from Lost has been pretending to be Joshua and infiltrating Katie's life. George figures this out and tips off Katie. And in all the commotion at the super containment facility, the real Joshua is released by Dr. King. Since Joshua learned about Katie's pregnancy when he was sharing a cell with JJ, her place is his first stop, even though it seems she's moved, so I'm not sure how he knows where to go. He saves her from Charlotte-Joshua who resumes her normal form and walks out, once she realizes Joshua will always want Katie and never want her.
George follows Charlotte to her meeting with Xena. Xena puts her and the 80 convicts on a plane. One of her henchmen mistakes a lurking George for a convict, overpowers him and throws him on there as well. While held captive, JJ had revealed to Xena that the Powells' plane was full of trilsettum when the engine caught fire. The wonder plant burned up, and inhaling trilsettum-heavy smoke when the body is experiencing a natural adrenaline rush, causes the right doodads in the brain to open wide and suck in all the magical goodness, or something.
So, anyhow, Xena sees to it that the plane full of convicts (and George) will crash under the same circumstances, but the DP takes particular care to show George managing to get his oxygen mask on. Back in Pacific Bay, the Powells (who don't yet know George is missing) watch with interest as the news reports that neither corpses nor survivors were found after the plane crash. Cut to the island. All the convicts are morphing into horrible, super things. Will George turn? I am afraid we'll never know, unless this show gets picked up for a second season. If it does, please remind me to use "No Ordinary Miracle" as my headline for the second season premiere.
Speaking of miracles, Katie goes into labor after her struggle with Charlotte. And just like her pregnancy, her labor is accelerated. At first, the baby appears dead, but remember, the trilsettum bonded with his DNA. When they realize their super spawn is alive, Katie and Joshua rejoice, and apparently are back together, because now that he has no powers, it doesn't count that he was a stone cold killer, wiped her mind, Daphne's mind and otherwise sucked, right?
I'll be back tomorrow with the full weecap of "No Ordinary Beginning" so I'll put off my goodbyes for now. Until then, join us in the show thread, where we'll never stick a needle in your eye (but sometimes you might want to).
Watch the episode below, discuss it in our forums, and see the ineffectual TV superheroes the Powells wish they were.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Recapper: Since this is not only the season finale, but most likely the series finale, we've brought in a very special guest-star to kick things off. You ready?
Audience: Okay.
Henry V: Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more...
Recapper: Thank you, your majesty.
Audience: That's it?
Recapper: That's it.
Audience: How about a bit of the St. Crispin's Day speech, then?
Recapper: Sorry, loves. It's one thing to bring in slayers, witches and Michael Oher, but...
Michael Oher: MY NAME IS KENNY AND I'M A LITTLE VERKLEMPT THAT THIS IS THE FINALE AND I'VE NEVER RETURNED TO SCHOOL. HOW AM I GOING TO TAKE CARE OF MY BABY AND MY BABY MAMA WITHOUT A HIGH SCHOOL EDUCATION? WHAT KIND OF MESSAGE ARE THESE PEOPLE SENDING?
Recapper: There, there, Blind Side.
Audience: We want more Shakespeare!
Recapper: Sorry, it's not in the budget. You're going to have to put up with me one more time.
Audience: It's not just you, is it?
Recapper: Never fear, our characters are here.
Audience: Oh good, because those early weecaps were tedious. Speaking of, get a move on, wouldja? Don't you think we've all devoted more than enough time to this series?
Recapper: Indeed. Okay, Super Friends, who wants to start us off?
George: I've got this. Okay, so the show opens with a plane burning up as it plunges to its doom. Inside, the passengers pray for mercy, and guess what? I'm one of them!
Professor Dick: Can I go ? I promise I won't complain about my nickname.
Recapper: Sure thing, Dick. Proceed.
Professor Dick: I get all up in JJ's grill for not completing the "Academic Decathlon" equations for me.
JJ: And I call him on his b.s. and tell him to figure them out himself. And? To always "show [his] work," which feels awesome to say to a math teacher.
Professor Dick: Fine, skateboard away you little miscreant. I have to call this into Dr. RevCam King.
Dr. King: Cough. Couch. Cough. Threaten. Cough.
Meanwhile, at Global Tech...
Xena: You are so fired. Your feelings for Stephanie have clouded your judgment where JJ is concerned. If I had time, I'd wait for the twit your son knocked up to give birth so I could discover the secret of perma-powers, but I dislike babies and patience, so I'm moving on to Plan B. Muahahahaha.
Dr. King: Hey, "Muahahahahahaha," is my trademark.
Xena: Au contraire. It is the intellectual property of Evil Incorporated. I shall leave you, now. With your jobless state in this economy, you are no longer worthy to bask in my hotness.
Meanwhile, at the school...
Jim: I charge down the corridor, with JJ on my tail. I'm sick of Professor Dick harassing my kid. He had best remember he works for us and not the other way around.
Ghost of Professor Dick: I can't remember much any more, on account of being dead and all.
Meanwhile, at Katie's new place...
Katie: I moved? When did I move? Why am I moving in the season (and probably series) finale?
Contrivance Fairy: You're moving so that George has a reason to be alone with you and attend to your needs, so that later, he can bust Charlotte from Lost, who [SPOILER] is going to be imitating Joshua any moment.
Katie: How will Charlotte from Lost or Joshua know where I am, though -- especially Joshua?
Recapper: Let it go, Katie.
George: Oh, there's my phone. It's Jim. I need to go right away, even though I just promised I'd get your prenatal vitamins.
Door: Knock Knock.
Katie: Who's there?
Charlotte from Lost In Joshua's Skin: Would you believe Joshua?
Katie: Yes, I would, because the script insists I do.
George: I tell Jim that the coroner reports Professor Dick was electrocuted. At first Jim is puzzled because he was dead at his desk and not near any faulty wiring or whatever, but it doesn't take my boy long to figure out there's a super-villain at work. And then it's only another second for him to put together the pieces. Dick wanted JJ to solve the equations for someone. Dick didn't get the equations from JJ. Now Dick is dead.
Stephanie: Jim calls to tell me something of the utmost importance, but before he can get it out, we lose power. I'm on a cordless extension of our landline, so the call terminates.
Jim: Back at the lair, I freak. George says he'll call her on her mobile phone while I rush off to save my family.
Stephanie: Back at home, JJ goes OUTSIDE to reset the circuit breaker. Why outside? Aren't those things usually in the basement or the garage to protect them from, oh, I DON'T KNOW, let's say WEATHER?
Contrivance Fairy: Yes, although the meters are often outside, circuit boxes and their forerunners -- fuse boxes -- are usually inside for just that reason. But the Powell's circuit board is outside, so that it is easier for Electra-Ben to knock JJ out and kidnap him.
Stephanie: I never noticed you around here before, Contrivance Fairy.
Contrivance Fairy: Seriously? Oh honey, I'm the star of the show.
Recapper: TRU FAX!
Electra-Ben: [Lurks]
JJ: Who are you?
Electra-Ben: Sorry for the shock. [Zap]
Recapper: Ahahaha.
JJ: Drunk.
Recapper: No, just punch drunk, I swear. Seriously JJ, you would be laughing if Electra-Ben got anyone but you. I'm just sayin'... But let's cut to commercial.
At the Powell Pad, early the morning...
Stephanie: I've zooped up, down and all around. There's no sign of JJ anywhere.
Jim: Daphne wants to call the cops, but if this is the same guy who offed Dick, the cops will just be in danger.
George: Hey, I just ran a search on Professor Dick's phone. His last call was to Dr. RevCam King.
At Global Tech...
Jim: I grab King, ready to throttle him, not realizing he looks like death, and honestly, not caring either, I just want my kid back.
King: Cough. Hack. Cough. Give me some seekrit serum and I'll do whatever you ask. Don't? And I'm gonna die.
Meanwhile, at Katie's...
Charlotte-Joshua: You're pregnant so that makes everything between us all better, right?
George: Are you kidding me? I'm getting cock blocked by a shape-shifter who has shifted in the shape of a murderous fiend.
Katie: I'm sorry, George, but given how you feel about Jim, it could never work between us.
At Global Tech...
King: Thank you for shooting me up, Daphne. I created this serum to save my life. When I learned that you and your family had perma-powers, I thought if I could replicate the perma-bit, I could stave off death forever.
Death: Bitch, please.
Xena: I know, right?
Recapper: Heh. But shoo, you two aren't in this scene.
Jim: Besides, I have to get all stompy-footed and find out what King has done with our son. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO OUR SON?
King: I've been protecting him. It's Xena, Evil Incorporated's CEO. She has taken him. She's behind Professor Dick's death, too. She too wants perma-powers, but for the wrong reasons. I gave my word. I'll help you find your son.
Meanwhile at someplace Xena-y...
JJ: Games. Neat. I mean, what is this place?
Xena: Watch me play good cop and bad cop all at the same time.
JJ: Excuse me. I'm thinking of baseball stats right now.
Xena: Oh you boys are all the same. Listen up, pipsqueak, I want the formula for perma-powers and I want it now, so even though I've built this room in order to tempt you into helping me, instead, I'm going to throw you in a cell with Joshua.
Contrivance Fairy: You're welcome.
Meanwhile at Katie's new place...
Katie: smoooooooooooooTchie smooch smooch.
Charlotte-Joshua: sssssssssssmmmmmmooooooooottttttttchhhhhhhhh. I'll be right back. I just have to step outside and morph back into my own skin, in broad daylight, right outside your door, where anyone, including you, could surely see.
Katie: And yet I won't, because the script won't let me.
Contrivance Fairy: I never expected such a huge role in the finale. What can I say? I'm thrilled and a little embarrassed.
Recapper: Oh honey, you've earned it.
Joshua: I'm gonna sum up some stuff because you're behind again. So JJ and I gab, like you do with the brother of the girl whose mind you've wiped, and get on the subject of power permanence. I mention that, back in Brazil on that fateful day, I loaded up their plane with trilsettum, shortly before they took off.
JJ: Right and I realize inhalation must be part of the equation. Also, I spill the beans about Katie's pregnancy.
Joshua: And I'm like freaking out, but at least I'm done withdrawing from the trilsettum.
JJ: You still look like a junkie though.
Audience: Word.
Meanwhile, around town...
George: I go to refill Katie's prenatal vitamin prescription at her OB/GYN's office, yes, office, not a pharmacy.
Contrivance Fairy: [Beams with pride]
Dr. Klein: And I'm all like, what patient? Who? Never heard of her.
Recapper: Okay, and I understand it was Charlotte-as-Doctor-Klein who actually saw Katie and did the ultrasound and amnio. But, since Katie actually booked an appointment over the phone and had face time in the office, doesn't that mean that a nurse or secretary would have registered her with the practice and had a file on her? Is this your work too, Contrivance Fairy?
Continuity Demon: Do you not see the brand I left, right on its flank.
Tubey: Hey you, get off of my cloud... of sulphur.
Recapper: Never mind, let's move it along. At any rate, George gets ahold of the security tapes from Dr. Klein's parking garage and sees Charlotte from Lost knock Dr. Klein out and assume his form. Thinking quickly, he calls Katie and warns her that Joshua is probably not Joshua.
Meanwhile, at Xena's Facility...
Stephanie: Dr. King brings Jim, Daphne and me to Xena's Headquarters. Working as a team, we are able to get past guards and security measures and what have you. We're doing great until we run into Electra-Ben. He turns his powers on Jim, but Jim deflects them.
Jim: It's all very I am rubber; you are glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you. But with lightning! We cruise on and Daphne's trying to listen to hear JJ's brain, but once we're in the elevator, we're gassed.
Daphne: Mom and I wake up in a cell, together. Xena has tranquilized me to weaken my powers, and Dad's somewhere else and has been given that Cynoxate stuff -- you know, his kryptonite. All she has to do to mom is hold JJ over her head. And to motivate JJ, Xena tells him that he'd better give her the answer she needs or she'll kill me. She cocks her gun and points it at me for emphasis.
Xena: And accuracy.
Daphne: Thank goodness I've been sedated.
Recapper: Me too. Um. I mean...carry on.
JJ: I figure out quickly enough that Xena's serum isn't working well enough because she uses synthetic adrenaline in it. We were scared to death -- on account of being in a plane that was on fire and crashing to its fiery doom -- so we were just little adrenaline factories and the adrenaline opened the receptors on our brain, which took full advantage of the smoking trilsettum.
Xena: I am gracious and grateful, and then order my guards to shoot the lot of them, ten seconds after I leave. I smile when I hear the gunshots, because I am a sexy bitch.
Dr. King: And me? I get to play the hero. Those three gunshots Xena heard, that was me, shooting her guards. Ta dah! Stephanie wants to zoop and find Jim, but I convince her to stop Helen before she uses this information to turn her 80 convicts into perma-supers.
Recapper: Humor me, here? How would it be to her advantage to have them be perma-supers. Wouldn't she have more control over them if they were dependent on her for their dose?
Writers: [Crickets]
Recapper: As I thought. Okay. Please continue, Dr. King.
Dr. King: So I go and free Jim, but I really am hung up on Stephanie, so I shoot him a few times. See, I somehow know he's been dosed with kryptonite and is not nearly as invulnerable. Once I see him bleed, I'm so satisfied with myself that I don't shoot another bullet in his head at point blank range.
Recapper: Pride goeth before a fall.
King: Word up. Anyhow, I go find Stephanie and the kids. Steph was unable to get to Xena before she took a chopper to Convict-ville. I'm not really clear on these locations. But son of a bitch, as soon as I tell Stephanie that Jim is dead, he pops out of nowhere and confronts me.
Daphne: I start trying to put the whammy on Dr. King, but he's able to block me.
Jim: So I attack Dr. King and I'll be damned if the old dude isn't beating the stuffing out of me.
Dr. King: You just saw my inject more trilsettum into myself. What did you think I was doing?
JJ: Because I realize the rest of these people are idiots, I say, right out loud, that mom should zoop to her lab and get the antidote.
Stephanie: I tell him it doesn't work, but then he explains that he was locked up with Joshua who confirms it does work, after all.
King: I should mention here that I freed Joshua from his cell, and we had a touching father/son moment, which is so important to our bond. Now back to beating up Jim in front of his children.
Stephanie: [Zoops back. Hides syringe behind my back.] Yoohoo! Dr. King. I think you're kind of hot after all. Let Jim go. You can have me. We're a much better match. C'mon and give me a smooch, big boy, while I try to stab you with this syringe.
King: You treacherous woman. I know what you have behind your back. I am going to pick you up by the throat, now.
Stephanie: [Gurgle.]
JJ: When King hoists up mom, she drops the syringe, so I scoop it up, use my beautiful mind and figure out the trajectory, throw that syringe like a dart and hit King right in the EYE.
Recapper: NEEDLE IN THE EYE. NEEDLE IN THE EYE. NEEDLE IN THE EYE. NEEDLE IN THE EYE. NEEDLE IN THE EYE. NEEDLE IN THE EYE. [faints]
Stephanie: What the hell was that.
Daphne: From the thoughts I could hear over her breakdown there, someone stuck a pencil in our Recapper's eye, when she was in the third grade.
Jim: On purpose? Should I go beat up this person?
Daphne: No, dad. Two of her friends were arguing over who owned the pencil and our Recapper had the misfortune to be standing behind the girl who won. There was no malice aforethought. It's just that now our Recapper has EYE ISSUES.
Jim: I'll say. How are we going to finish this?
King: Well, I'd like to handle my dramatic and grotesque death, if that's okay with you, Steph?
Stephanie: Fine, just get to the point, all right.
King: Why don't you love me? Anyhow, the needle pierces my eye. The antidote gets right to work, even though usually someone has to press on the plunger in order for a hypodermic needle to inject medicine into a person. Just sayin'...
Detail Devil: Muahahahahahahaha.
King: Anyhow, the antidote kicks right in and decades worth of cancer growth happens in an instant. The cancer takes me over all at once, 'til I'm nothing but a shriveled corpse -- like mummy-shriveled, with bonus surface tumors.
Katie: Meanwhile, George has already warned me that I'm with Charlotte-Joshua, not real Joshua. I try to make up an excuse to get out of the house, and Charlotte-Joshua comes up with just as many reasons for me not to leave the house. Finally, I cut through the bullshit. I know she's not Joshua.
Charlotte: So I morph back to my usual, gorgeous redheaded self, although I'm a bit blonder on this show, yeah?
Recapper: [Remains unconscious.]
Big Comfy Rock: Stands guard.
Charlotte: Whatever. So then I take on Katie, which really isn't much of a trick. When I knock her down, she goes into labor.
Joshua: Luckily, I'm here to save the day. And really, I don't have to do much but snarl at and reject Charlotte before she gives up and leaves.
George: I'm lurking outside and decide to follow her. I end up at Xena's Convict-HQ. I hide out and watch as Xena loads Charlotte and all the criminals on this plane. But then I'm caught. I tell the guard I'm the A.D.A, but he doesn't believe me. He knocks me out with the butt of his rifle and loads me on the plane.
Katie: Meanwhile, I've given birth, but the baby is dead. Joshua covers his face and I cry as he holds me and tries to console me.
Joshua: But then there's this weird light emanating from under his blanket, so I lift it up, and the baby is alive.
Katie: I don't want to look at first, but finally I do and...
Baby: I deliver a lethal dose of cuteness.
Joshua and Katie: FAMILY HUGS!
Stephanie: Back at our place, I'm talking celebration, even though Jim can't find George. I mean, JJ's safe and Katie's just had her baby.
Doorbell: Ding Dong
Special Agent Hawkins, NSA: There's been an incident. There was a private aircraft flying out of Wherever, California. At 8:17 PM, the plane started to lose altitude and crash.
Jim: Didn't the Recapper say something about us watching news about the crash on TV?
Stephanie: Yeah, she was really phoning it in, I guess.
George: Hello, you two. This is my dramatic moment. SO... Editing cuts to the inside of the plane and the D.P. makes extra sure you all see that I'm putting on my oxygen mask, right?
Audience: Hard to miss.
Powell Pad...
Hawkins: There were 80 passengers on board. The airplane crashed but there were no bodies or survivors at the wreckage.
Plane Wreck Site...
George: That's because we all lived, and now I'm surrounded by Super Freaks.
Rick James: She's a super-freak, super-freak, she's super-freaking...
George: Rick James, OMG. I thought you were dead.
Rick James: Oh I have been, for going on seven years, now.
George: Am I dead?
Rick James: No, but your show is, bro.
George: Please don't rub it in. Anyhow, freaks are changing and turning here, there and everywhere. I look at my hands, but they look the same.
Powell Pad...
Jim: Back at our house, I ask Jim what any of this has to do with us.
Hawkins: I explain that it's recently come to our attention that the Powells are...
Recapper: WAIT!
Stephanie: You're conscious. Yay! Are you all right?
Recapper: Ish. Let's just not talk about RevCam. Oh shit I'm getting woozy. Don't mind me if I talk to you with my head between my knees.
Writers: Careful, we tried that once and our heads got lodged in our asses.
Recapper: That explains so much. Anyhow, Agent Hawkins, please repeat your line again, but pause and let everyone join in for the three words I didn't let you say.
Hawkins: Um...okay? Let's see. I was talking to the Powells. Okay. I've got it. It has recently come to our attention that the four of you are...
Everyone: NO ORDINARY FAMILY!
Recapper: Thank you.
Hawkins: Not a problem, Miss. Anyhow, these are no ordinary plane crash victims. Mr. and Mrs. Powell, the government needs your family's help.
JJ: We all look around at him like, haven't you got the memo, dude? This show is dead in the water.
Recapper: And scene!
Stephanie: I was thinking maybe we all look at Hawkins like that because of my trip to the future.
Recapper: I suppose it's possible, but when that all happened, you not only came to the government's attention, you also came to the media's attention. Government response would have to be severe, were the public to become aware of you. If/since you're their little secret, everything can be different.
Chris: And it will be, but probably in fan fic.
Recapper: Well, that's it, everyone. I suppose there is a slight chance that this show will come back, but the ratings have been really low, so I'm not betting any money on it. In case this is our last time together, does anyone have any final words of wisdom for our loyal audience?
Michael Oher: MY NAME IS KENNY!
Everyone: Whatever, Blind Side.
Stephanie: Here's what I've learned: it's great being hot, smart and successful. It's even greater to be hot, smart, successful and super fast. Be like me.
Xena: It's rather grand to be hot, smart, wealthy, powerful and evil, too.
George: It is not so great to be stuck out in the middle of nowhere with 80 scientifically engineered super freaks, but I did get to meet Rick James, and who knows, maybe I'll develop super powers, too.
Joshua: I get to live with the woman of my dreams, because the antidote I took wiped out all the murderous evil I wrought for years.
Katie: Well, our baby is pretty cute. I might just be high on oxytocin. We'll see. Um, but did anyone else notice the baby might have been... glowing a little?
Everyone: No. (Shhhh. She might as well enjoy the summer, or the rest of her life.)
Jim: If you're dissatisfied with your life, you should become invulnerable and start fighting crime.
JJ: And you know? If you have learning disabilities, it's really great to suddenly acquire super genius, so get on that -- all you kids with legitimate learning challenges. Fricking slackers.
Daphne: Being a teen girl is so hard. I mean even after I stopped kvetching about my virginity, it was a rough ride. You know what helps? Telepathy. You know what sucks? Telepathy. It's a toss up. Psychically pushing people to do my bidding though, that's just the best.
Chris: Oh sure, except for when I want you to do it.
Daphne: You forget all that, remember?
Chris: I. Forget. All. That. Remember...
Daphne: That's better.
Contrivance Fairy: I prefer to show, rather than tell, so just hang tight...
Recapper: Okee dokee. And you, Dr. King. Since you were our final victim, would you like the final word?
Dr. King: Yes. When you're dying of cancer, get thee to a lab and concoct a potion that will make you unable to die. Oh and if you take extra of it, it will make you as strong as Jim, too. You weak cancer patients are doing it wrong. Try it my way. You won't regret it. Cross my heart. Hope to die. Stick a needle in my eye.
Recapper: [Faints]
Contrivance Fairy: [Bows]
Cindy is still down for the count, so if you want to talk to her, email her at CynthiaMcLennan[at]gmail.com, or shout out to her on Twitter. Okay, so she hasn't been there for a month. It's been a busy month. She always comes back, like a bad check. And please join us in the show thread, where we'll never stick a needle in your eye, because Cindy's lawyer sent us a Cease and Desist letter.
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