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Professor Dick Litchfield is still testing JJ's abilities under the academic decathlon ruse. Chris tempts Daphne into skipping school to see Sara Bareilles shoot her new video. She has to finish a history paper during her math class, so she tries to beg off, but Chris goes to JJ, lets him know he knows about the Powells' powers, and strong arms the kid into finishing big sister's paper. Finally, JJ strikes a deal with Daphne. He'll write her paper if she'll read Professor Dick's mind to find out why he's giving him assignments far too advanced for any high school contest.
Meanwhile, there's a new vicious fiend on the loose, and a savaged corpse on the slab. Claw marks lead the police to think the attacks are animal attacks, but Jim and Stephanie think the evidence suggests otherwise. What evidence? Why are you asking me? Stephanie goes to King and asks him if it could be one of his supers. King lies that to his knowledge, none have developed claws, but he'll let her know if he learns anything new.
Xena, who it turns out is Dr. King's boss, is mad at Jesse for leaving behind the corpse, which he only did because people heard the woman screaming, and he had to beat a hasty retreat. Xena makes it clear he should have killed the witnesses too, and then sends him to the morgue to retrieve the corpse, which involves killing the coroner. In the course of investigating with Jim, Stephanie realizes two of the victims are supers, and eventually figures out that it's Jesse who is ripping people to shreds.
Jesse shows up at Katie's looking for Joshua. When she insists she threw Joshua's arse to the curb, Jesse starts sniffing. Then he wolfs out, and says, "It's you," meaning she's a super, too. And apparently she is now, because she is pregnant with Joshua's super-sprog. Yep. Katie has some newbilities of her own, which is good, because she is able to throw Jesse off with her mind. Jesse also attacks Stephanie, and she develops an infection. To cure her, Jim cuts to the chase with Dr. King and asks him for some seekrit serum. The serum not only does the trick, it teaches Stephanie some new tricks. It seems she can time travel or teleport or what have you. And, of course, somewhere in ther, Daphne is nearly attacked, because that's what happens when you skip school, kids, but Super Daddy saves the day.
I'll be back tomorrow with the full weecap. Oh, and programming note: Check your local listings for details, because ABC is sneaking in episode 19, "No Ordinary Future" this Saturday night, because they hate me, or possibly because of March Madness, so I'll be back sooner than usual with the recaplet. Until then, join us in the show thread, where the madness never ends.
Watch the episode below, discuss it in our forums, and see the ineffectual TV superheroes the Powells wish they were.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Tubey: Where is she now?
Daphne: Eeeek!
Katie: No, it's okay. That's just the TWoP mascot, remember?
Daphne: His mind reads as less mascot and more...
Tubey: Evil overlord. Regardless, where is she?
Stephanie: She had a really busy day that ended badly. Can we cut her some slack.
Tubey: Cut her? I have many knives and other pointy weapons, not to mention my horns and tail.
Jim: She's not getting cut on my watch, bub.
Tubey: That's Tubeelzebub to you, lesser being.
Jim: I'm pretty sure you're more evil than I, but I'm also pretty sure I flatten you like a pancake.
Nathan Wuornos: Pancakes? I love pancakes.
Jim: Who are you?
Jesse: He's nobody. Go back to Haven, Nathan. I'll see you in the summer.
Nathan: That's not tempting me.
Jesse: Yes, yes, we have a mutual disdain for each other, but we don't have to have it yet, is my point.
Nathan: Fine. I don't see any pancakes around here anyhow -- just this little flattened demony thing. I don't think he'll be bothering anyone, any more.
Tubey: I'm a two-dimensional cartoon, idiot. Flat is my natural form and it hasn't stopped me yet.
JJ: Excuse me....Tubey, but it seems to me that if you want a weecap out of the Recapper, the wisest course of action would be for you to stop menacing her,, and the rest of us, and let the girl write.
Katie: She's a woman, JJ. Not a girl.
Recapper: S'okay, I'm feeling old and ground down right now. Girl is a bit of a pick-me-up.
Katie: Oh, well I just -- I read your weecaps of The Vampire Diaries (because how fricking gorgeous is that cast), and I've been following your discussion of Elena's agency. I didn't want JJ to offend you.
Recapper: I like to think of myself as a practical feminist. And sometimes, I like to be called girl. It pleases my vanity.
Stephanie: I hate to bust up this meeting of the minds, but shouldn't you get to it?
Recapper: I just can't. There's stuff going on. Big, bad stuff, with people I love. And I got stuck in the aftermath of a car accident last night. My back and neck are all jacked up. I just don't have it in me.
Katie: Well, I have it in me, as you'll soon see, so let me take this one?
Recapper: All by yourself?
Katie: Sure. I mean, the rest of the gang can chime in when they want, but let me get this. I'm feeling extra-empowered, today.
Recapper: Knock yourself up out, girl.
Katie: I see what you did there. Hee. Okay you ready? Let's go. So this woman is jogging, right? And she's attacked. Other joggers hear her scream, but they reach her too late. She's been slashed to death -- apparently by a wild animal.
Jesse: Which of course is me.
Katie: But we don't know that, yet.
Jesse: Why belabor it? This show is toast. They're airing the new episode this Saturday night. That's a quick burn-off.
JJ: I think there's a conflict with March Madness.
Jesse: Doesn't matter. They want the fat lady to sing our funeral dirge before May sweeps, and that's that.
Katie: Guys! Let me do this. So yeah, George notices the "animal" has five claws instead of four, and that gets everyone thinking there's a super villain at work.
Jesse: Yeah. Me. This is what I mean about belaboring.
Katie: I know I look all cute and feminine, but you do not want to mess with me, Manimal.
Jesse: The name is Jesse.
JJ: Actually it's Lucas Winnick.
Recapper: Not on my watch. He's Jesse here, and that's that.
Katie: I don't get to make up nicknames?
Recapper: Let's decide that on a case-by-case basis. In this case, no, you do not, because I've already given him his nickname, and it confuses the hell out of the readers when characters have multiple nicknames.
Katie: Well, I'd been hoping for a little more autonomy, but whatever. I can see you're in no mood. Anyhow, at school, when Chris asks Daphne to ditch school to see Sarah Bareilles shoot a video in town, she says she wants to finish her history paper first. Once Daphne is gone, Lucas strong-arms JJ into writing the paper, threatening to out him as a super-genius if...
Chris: Can I just say that threat sucks? I mean, who is going to believe me that he's a super-genius or that super-geniuses even exist? All he has to do is not say smart stuff out loud and I look like a crazy person. Besides, Daphne would hate me if I did that.
Daphne: Yeah, I'm a little surprised I don't end up kicking your ass to the curb once JJ confronts me about your demand. I feel a little... pathetic.
Chris: Don't baby. Once this show is over, we'll start out with a clean slate in fan fic. Deal?
Daphne: Deal.
JJ: So anyhow, I make a bargain with my sister. I'll do her paper -- for her, not for old Lube Locks -- if she'll try to figure out what the hell is going on with Professor Dick. He is giving me these equations that are way too complex to have anything to do with the academic decathlon nonsense.
Professor Dick: But I just tell him to shut up and get cracking. Um, while I have the mic, I just have one question. When you people call me "Professor Dick," why doesn't Michael Oher pop up and say, "MY NAME IS KENNY AND HIS NAME IS PROFESSOR LITCHFIELD."
Michael Oher: MY NAME IS KENNY AND YOU'RE A TOTAL DICK FOR BUSTING ME FOR CHEATING WHEN I DIDN'T CHEAT SO, I THINK "PROFESSOR DICK" IS MORE THAN APT.
Professor Dick: Whatever, Blind Side.
Recapper: HEY, HIS NAME IS KENNY. YOU DON'T GET TO "WHATEVER, BLIND SIDE," HIM, BECAUSE YOU SUCK. WHY DON'T YOU GO AWAY NOW?
Professor Dick: I can see where I'm not wanted.
JJ, Daphne and Chris: You're not wanted at school, either.
Katie: ENOUGH! I need to get back to the story. (After making a parenthetical objection to the fact that JJ just got to nickname Chris "Lube Locks," without recapper approval. I know. I know. Case-by-case basis, but this is my baby!)
Recapper: (Parenthetical objection acknowledged, but I like Lube Locks, so over-ruled. Oh, but I see what you did, there. Very nice, Katie. Please continue.)
Katie: Where was I? Oh yeah, at Global Tech, Stephanie confronts Dr. King about the jogger's death. She wants to know if one of their supers is responsible. He swears none of their supers have slashy animal power.
Dr. King: Which is a flat-out lie. Muauahahahahahaha.
Jesse: Cut to me. I'm on the town, scratching up cars because, um... because I can, I guess. Just then Xena's limo pulls up. She asks me why I left the jogger's body in the park. I explain to her that people heard the screaming. I had to run.
Xena: I make it clear he should have eliminated them, too. I don't tolerate mistakes.
Ghost of Six: She really doesn't.
Jesse: Right, so now I have to go get the body from the morgue.
George: And my buddy, the coroner, who just called me to tell me to come see him immediately? He's toast.
Jesse: Yeah, I have to kill him and take his corpse, too, but I leave behind plenty of blood, to make it perfectly clear he's dead. Not that it isn't clear, anyhow.
Recapper: Right. What's not clear is how you got two bodies out of the morgue in broad daylight without attracting any attention at all.
Writers: Um... Poetic license?
TWoP Barnes: Don't start your posts with "Um." Does no one read the FAQ? God.
Strega: They read the FAQ, after we beat them with it for fun and profit.
TWoP Barnes: You know how many people think we do this for free?
Strega: I know, right?
Recapper: Ahem. There's a reason recappers and mods are separate jobs now, and no, this may not be it, but you two? You're really not helping.
Katie: THANK YOU, Cindy. So anyhow, George gets the coroner's report on the jogger. When Stephanie reads it, she realizes the jogger has seekrit serum in her blood, too. Soon thereafter, there's another dead super.
Daphne: You're forgetting my story. Why don't you sit and put your feet up for a few minutes, Katie. This is a big day for you. I've got this. When Chris and I are leaving school, we're stopped by the Vice Principal. Chris talks me into giving him a psychic push, so that we can ditch with impunity. And then I push him to give us a little spending money, too. I really didn't like that part. I mean, I'm not down with the pushing in general, but pushing someone just to get money -- that feels like stealing.
Lube Locks: Well, I come from a troubled home. HEY, MY NAME IS CHRIS!
Michael Oher: LUBE LOCKS. LUBE LOCKS. LUBE LOCKS!!!
Katie: Whatever, Blind Side. Anyhow, when I get home Jesse is waiting out front. He's looking for Joshua and starts sniffing around like he's Angel or Spike.
Recapper's Husband: Hey Jesse, why the long face? Ha. That never gets old.
Recapper: It maybe gets a little old, honey, but it's your birthday, so I'll give you a pass.
Katie. AHEM. This is one of my two big moments. Knock it off, okay? So anyhow, Jesse thinks I'm lying because apparently he can sniff out supers, but I'm not lying. He starts to leave, but he sniffs one more time and decides the super scent is coming from me. But I just dabbed a little perfume on (White Diamonds, in honor of the late, great Elizabeth Taylor, may she rest in peace), and that was hours ago, so I have no idea what his deal is. Then he turns into SABRETOOTH and comes at me.
Recapper: I'm sorry, Katie, but we can't call him Sabretooth.
Katie: Oh right. The no multiple nicknames, rule. Gotcha.
Recapper: Actually, it's because I don't have much of a comic-reading background, and didn't think of Sabretooth until I read Rowan Kaiser's review at the A.V. Club.
Katie: But I'm a geek-extraordinaire. Sabretooth sprang immediately to my mind.
Writers: It truly did.
Recapper: Sorry. That's Rowan's. Just say Jesse wolfs out.
Katie: But he has the fangs and...
Recapper: No. We can't.
Tubey: I hate to have Cindy's back, or anyone's actually, but she's right.
Katie: Damn. Okay, but why "wolfs out"?
Cindy: Because I have a daughter enthralled by the Twilight series and there are werewolves in Buffy the Vampire Slayer and The Vampire Diaries, and it's just where my mind went.
Katie: Well, that's hardly inspired, but okay. Anyhow Jesse morphs into Sabretooth "wolfs out" (blah) and comes at me and I throw him off with my mind!Stephanie: When Jim and I get there, Katie is moving chairs and whatnot with her mind, too. It's pretty awesome. Or would be, if it didn't confirm our theory that our super-villain is targeting other supers. Our kids are in danger, so I zoop to the school to get them.
JJ: And good old mom, she rescues me right when Professor Dick is giving me more crap. I mean did you see that? He gets a little scary. Scarier.
Daphne: I did. And for the record, JJ. I'm really glad you ratted me out to mom. You saved my life. But anyhow, Chris and I are at the video shoot where I've psychically pushed security to give us front row seats, even though we're not on the approved list. Okay, sometimes this pushing is pretty fun. I just don't want to steal money, again. That was icky. Now my dad calls, trying to locate me, so I have to move off somewhere quiet to take the call. It's then that Jesse finds me. And the rest is so stupid I can't tell you.
Jesse: Poor kid. You're just starting out in the business. You get used to the stupidity over time. But yeah, it is stupid. I tell her I'm from the school. How would "the school" know where to find her? Why would she believe I'm from "the school" when she goes to "the school" and ought to recognize the faculty? Why isn't she reading my mind? She should totally know I'm lying. But we're jumping ahead.
Katie: SOOOOOoooooooo. I'm hiding out at the lair, and I identify Jesse as my attacker. Stephanie freaks, because she realizes she helped to make this monster that's now a threat to all supers, including her own family.
Stephanie: Right. I zoop to the house to see if Daphne's there with Lube Locks. She's not, but Jesse shows up and I try to reason with him and tell him we'll get George to reduce his sentence if only he'll stop all the senseless killing. I seem to be making an impression, but then?
Jesse: I gut her with my claws. It's pretty awesome.
Stephanie: Not from where I'm lying on the floor, bleeding out.
Jesse: Look, I have to make peace with Xena. Sniffing out you all on my own and having her add your family to the list? That's making me some points. I wonder if she'd have sex with me?
Xena: Of course you wonder. Everyone does.
Stephanie: Excuse me, but I'm dying, here. Can this be a little bit about me?
Jesse: Well I wonder if you would have sex with me, too, or I did, before I had to gut you. You had it coming though. You turned me into a vampire once, and I got killed by Xander Harris of all people.
Stephanie: I'm always paying for Darla's sins, and I never get to sleep with Angel, dammit!
Jim: HEY!
Stephanie: Metaphorically, that is.
Jim: How does one metaphorically sleep with someone?
Stephanie: You know, it hasn't been that long since you tried to throw me over for Six. You should probably just shut up, honey.
Jim: I told you. I have no memory of that (and wouldn't admit it if I did). Shutting up now. Oh except I can't, because it's my turn. I find you at the house, and I want to take you to the hospital, but you refuse, because you say they'll notice the irregularities in your blood and our super-powers will be exposed to the world, jeopardizing us further.
Katie: Yeah, because they'd be testing for the presence of super powers. @_@. It doesn't matter though, because of Stephanie's fast metabolism, she's healing rapidly. Jim gives in and brings her to the lair.
George: We're gonna need a bigger lair. And a good cleaning crew. So. Much. Blood!
Jim: Back at the lair, I convince JJ to hack into Daphne's phone so I can find out where she is. There's a text from Chris that says they're downtown.
Lube Locks: Which is dumb, because she's with me. But whatever.
Daphne: So to review, I've stepped away from the shoot to answer a phone call from my dad. I'm confronted by Jesse, who lies and says he's from the school and is there to take me to the hospital. God, this is lame. He's going to kill me, and I deserve to die for being so stupid as to listen to anything he has to say, when I could just read his mind.
Jim: But I arrive in time and beat the stuffing out of him. He gives me a bigger challenge at first than I expect. When I throw him down from a great height, he not only survives but jumps back up. And he's harder to knock out than most, but eventually I do. Between what he's done to my wife and tried to do to my daughter, I am ready to beat him to death, but Daphne talks me down and we decide to leave him for the police to handle.
Recapper: Which is stupid, because what if he's still got enough serum in him to attack the police?
Daphne: I covered that. I said it was bound to wear off.
Recapper: Yeah, but you don't know when. We don't know if Xena's giving him regular doses. We don't know anything. This was a really sloppy plot point. I can only assume they don't yet want Jesse dead.
Jesse: Unlike Joss Whedon. Darn him.
Katie: So back at the lair, Stephanie is getting worse, not better. Her fever is 106 degrees. JJ looks at her and... I can't. Not in my condition.
JJ: I've got it, Katie. You should have a light snack -- an orange or something else with folic acid. So I just look at my mother's wound, and then this graphic pops up in front of my eyes telling me she's got a deadly staph infection. Yeah, I know what germ it is. This is ridiculous and I'm ashamed of myself for going along with the writers and director, here. It's awful.
Jim: Let it go, kiddo. So anyhow, I take Stephanie to the one person I'm sure can help her.
Dr. King: Muahahahahahaha. Except not. I try to pretend like I don't know about supers and don't know about Jesse, and don't know about the Powells, but Jim is dropping all pretense. He wants me to inject Stephanie with my seekrit serum to heal the staph infection which clearly came from Jesse's claws. I'm concerned about side effects, but Jim convinces me to dose her. And then I do the dumbest thing I've ever done on this show. I hand Jim the hypo, and tell him he should inject her, because she's his wife.
Jim: And worse? I take it. I'm a fucking sketch artist. King is a doctor. We're not talking about having sex with her to save her. We're talking about a needle in the arm. Do I know how to give an injection? NO I DO NOT! THIS IS RISKY, LAME EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION OF THE AUDIENCE. I HOPE YOU DID NOT LET IT MANIPULATE YOU, GENTLE READERS.
Stephanie: Jim honey, your blood pressure. Please.
Jim: Sorry. I just... What was that shit?
Writers: Metaphor sex?
Jim: @_@ Besides, if Jesse had staph on his claws, why didn't the trilsettum heal it?
Steph: Maybe he contracted it from one of the people he killed.
Jim: But they were all injected with trilsettum.
Steph: The coroner wasn't.
Jim: Okay, but I still don't understand why we have super-powers from our exposure to the trilsettum during our plane crash, and they're permanent, but yet those powers aren't enough to enable your own immune system to ward off this infection.
Katie: Okay, people, I'm taking back the reins. Stephanie gets better, so hooray. The day at school, Daphne passes in JJ's equation solution to Professor Dick and hears him think that he was afraid he'd be killed if JJ didn't turn in the work.
Daphne: Which... weird, right?
Katie: Super-weird. Maybe that's why you're a little off-kilter when you meet up with Chris and he tells you he's got all sorts of fun psychic pushing plans for the two of you. Is he reminding anyone else of Buffy's Season 1 date, Owen? Not looks-wise -- but his enthusiasm for her newbilities.
Recapper: I was just thinking that.
Buffy: Me, too. Dump him, Daphne. Dump him. I did. It hurt and it was hard, but it's for the best.
Daphne: I know I should, but he's just so cute.
JJ: He's Lube Locks. Oily, greasy, grimy gopher guts. You can do better, sis.
Daphne: Well, I haven't been doing better. We'll see. I'm conflicted. I don't really like pushing people, but I really like this boy.
Buffy: Tsk. You're cookie dough!
Katie: Back at Global Tech, Dr. King is reviewing JJ's work with glee when Xena arrives, and we learn she's the Global Tech big cheese. She gives him a metaphorical beating for his mismanagement of his Frankensteins. He tries to suck up to her by showing her JJ's work. It seems JJ has unknowingly developed a way to modify the secret serum so that a one time dose will be all anyone will need. Which... wouldn't that be counter to their goals? Isn't it better to keep the supers beholden to them? It's all so painfully stupid.
Daphne: But what comes is...
Katie: Not at all a surprise. I'm in the lab when Daphne pops in to get some stuff for Stephanie who's taking it easy at home. I hand her the lab results that I've been reading, because frankly, they've left me gobsmacked. The reason I have powers (which are inconsistent, at least for now) is...
Daphne: She's pregnant with Joshua's super-spawn!
Katie: Oh, man. First I don't get to nickname anyone, and now I don't even get to break my own big news. I wanna cry. Or maybe have a cookie.
JJ: You should have an orange.
Katie: Whatever, Geek Side.
Michael Oher: BURN.
Stephanie: Let me wrap this up, because we've got another show Saturday night. I think we all need as much downtime between this and that. By nighttime, I'm ready to go for a run. Jim wants me to rest, but I have too much energy to burn. I start jogging 'til I'm sure there are no neighbors looking at me, then I bust into a zoop, which turns into a super zoop. I start to dematerialize or outrun time or something. I think I'm fricking back to the future. There should only be more Michael J. Fox.
Recapper: There should always be more Michael J. Fox. And on that note, that's it for this week's mess, kids. The acting is still good. The characters are still likable. The plotting is a hot mess. Same as it ever was. Don't forget to check back Sunday with the recaplet and Monday with the weecap of the upcoming "No Ordinary Future." Until then, I'll see you in the show thread.
Watch the episode below, discuss it in our forums, and see the ineffectual TV superheroes the Powells wish they were.
What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Talk Without Pity, the social media site for real TV fans. See Tweets and Facebook comments in real time and add your own -- all without leaving TWoP. Join the conversation now!