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Austin Davies is the ringleader of four escaped cons who've already taken out a couple of cops. He's armed and dangerous, so Jim must Up, Up, and Away to the scene. You almost think there's going to be some tense action, but then this fierce, cop-taking-down escaped con steals a fricking moped and rides it across a college campus, and into a building. Jim basically just has to push him, and he comes crashing to the ground. Had I managed to squeeze in a nap before the broadcast, I think I could make that into a meaty metaphor about this series.
Rachel Jacobs, from Internal Affairs, thinks she is looking for a rogue cop, but she's actually looking for our resident rogue sketch artist (and someone to wax her upper lip). When Moped Man and his minions take over the precinct and hold Rachel and the rest hostage, Jim springs into action. Rachel doesn't bust him, because he saved her, which we knew was coming.
Daphne and Chris (last week's bad guy with a heart of gold) land in detention for bickering in History. JJ and Natalie are for texting during Math. Bailey Beeyotch is there, too, because you need a catalyst, I guess. It's all very Breakfast Club, except all three girls are Molly Ringwald and you really need some Pixie Stick-sucking Ally Sheedy to balance that shit out. Wackiness ensues -- good dialogue does not. JJ sort of reveals his super-genius during the course of the afternoon. Chris and Daphne kiss during a game of Truth or Dare, and she flashes on a traumatic incident from his past. I take that nap. Natalie dumps JJ in front of everyone in detention, but later, Bailey kisses him.
Stephanie, Katie and Joshua get locked in together at Global Tech, thanks to Victoria (Charlotte from Lost), who triggers a radiation alert, in order to trap Joshua while he's coming off the seekrit serum. She wants him to get back on the stuff and back on Dr. King's side. He refuses. Charlotte knocks Katie out and shape-shifts into her form, to further freak out Josh, who does care for our girl, even in the throes of withdrawal. When Stephanie finally determines which Katie is which, Charlotte knocks her out, and tries to kill Katie. Joshua finds a discarded syringe full of the serum, dopes himself, saves Katie with the power of his mind, and later reveals more of his secrets.
I'll be back tomorrow with the full weecap. In the meantime, grade the episode up top, and then please join the discussion down in our show thread.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!"No Ordinary Detention" locks key characters in together. Jim, George and Rachel (an Internal Affairs investigator looking for a rogue cop, which is actually just Jim) are held hostage by escaped cons, right in the police precinct, with a whole lot of Die Hard references. Victoria (Charlotte from Lost, which is what I'm going to keep calling her, because I can) sets off a radiation leak alarm which traps Steph, Katie, and a detoxing Joshua in the lab. JJ and Natalie, Daphne, Chris and Bailey Beeyotch are stuck in detention, a la The Breakfast Club. Every super Powell uses his or her newbilities in some way, and there are even some nifty reveals. The characters continue to be accessible and likable. The stories are engaging enough on their own, but it just doesn't work for me. There is too much hand-wavium going on, all the time. There are few consequences for our characters when they do reveal their powers. And there's this relentless feeling that precious little that happens one week -- even the big stuff -- is going to matter week. I know a lot of sci-fi and fantasy shows suffer from being too serial in nature, so I think I understand why these episodes try so hard to stand alone. But that's not what this story needs, and I think the recent ratings slide demonstrates that. What happens one week has to matter more the week, or there's no reason to care about it now, or tune in again. I mean, how many times has Jim been found out, or almost found out, by a cop? How can Dr. King still not realize that Stephanie has super-speed? Are any of JJ and Daphne's friends and sweethearts going to stick around long enough for me to care about their stories? I don't know, reader, I'm drowning in futility right now.
Stephanie: Well, then why are you talking about it, at all? We've totally got this. Go get yourself another cup of coffee.
Recapper: You don't have to tell me twice. Thanks, Steph.
Stephanie: Okay, so the hour opens with me making breakfast for my family, but the kids don't have time to eat with me. Jim plans to, but then you-know-who does you-know-what.
Katie: George calls?
Stephanie: Bingo! Before everyone leaves though, I do make it clear that we'll have a family supper tonight, and attendance is mandatory.
Jim: I'll be there with bells on, baby, but right now, I have to go hunt down escaped con Austin Davies and his three fellow escapees. They're on the run from the law... on, um... do I have to tell?
Recapper: See? This is what I mean. It's like it's trying to be stupid.
Jim: Word. But Stephanie's right. You drink your coffee; we'll do the heavy lifting. Okay, so the escapees are on the run from Johnny Law -- on a college campus. When I get there, the cops are already there, of course, but even with their guns, cruisers and training, they can't catch these escapees when they're on foot. Oh crap. I need coffee, too.
George: I got this, dude. Go sit with the recapper. I think she needs a strong shoulder to cry on.
Recapper: sniff I do. I really do.
Jim: I'm married.
Recapper: As am I. You're also fictional. And really, I'm barely the same species as your wife. Don't worry. This is purely platonic, and mainly pathetic.
Jim: Just so long as we're clear. George, you got the rest of this? I really can't stand to tell it, either.
George: Yeah yeah. Got this. So anyhow, Davies steals a Vespa...
Jim and Recapper: groan
George: And he rides it through a building. Jim gets to the door at the other end, and just sticks out his arm, which knocks Davies to the ground. And then Jim just stands there, as if to make sure that Davies gets a good look at him. Once the cops catch up, Jim up, up and aways. Oh man, I see what you two mean. Got any more java?
Recapper: Help yourself, and come sit by us, honey.
George: Thanks.
Daphne: Okay, lemme do it. So meanwhile, at school, Chris and I both get detention for bickering with each other in History.
JJ: And Natalie and I get detention for texting each other during Professor Dick's class.
Recapper: I have a question. Why is JJ, who was probably learning disabled before the plane crash and in his own words, "flunking out", in the same class as Natalie, who he met at Club MENSA?
JJ: Oh come on. It's like you've never seen this show. You can't engage it that deeply or it just makes it worse. Anyhow, Professor Dick reads our texts aloud, and they're fairly embarrassing, but only because they're lame -- like "what's your favorite color" and "what's your favorite memory?" Natalie's favorite memory is the time it snowed in Visalia, because it had never before snowed there, and so that taught her anything is possible.
Katie: Meanwhile, Joshua is withdrawing from the seekrit serum, but I just think he's sick. When he refuses to go to a doctor, I trick him to coming into work with me, so Stephanie can check him out. When we get to Global Tech, we run into Charlotte from Lost, and although I'm blind to it, it's pretty clear to everyone else that they have a history, but I just babble through my introductions and get Joshua to the lab.
Charlotte from Lost: Meanwhile, I trip the radiation leak alarm, so everyone gets locked in together. I may not have learned that from Ben Linus, but I like to think he's nodding in approval, somewhere.
Meanwhile, at the precinct...
...
Recapper: Anyone? Bueller?
George: There's not enough coffee in the world.
Jim: Yeah. No.
Rachel: Oh fine! I'll do this?
Recapper: Who are you?
[Editor: She's the chick from Warehouse 13! Myka, I love you!]
Rachel: I'm Rachel Jacobs of Internal Affairs. There have been a lot of recent arrests involving perps who are brought in while still unconscious. I'm thinking we have a rogue cop on our hands. And while I don't know it, yet, every case is one into which Jim inserted himself. While I question George, Jim is secretly freaking at his desk. It's not too long before Davies and his minions overpower the cops who are bringing them in. thing you know, they've taken the lot of us hostage. In a police precinct. With live cops there and everything. Because they weren't cuffed. Oh my word, no wonder you all are so dispirited. Can I have coffee, too?
Recapper: You gotta earn it, first. We've been doing this for 13 weeks. You've been doing it for minutes.
Rachel: Fair enough. So anyhow, George and Jim manage to stay out of the bad guys' sight, and he and George cook up a little plan, where Jim is Bruce Willis in Die Hard (although far less appealing, yeah?) and George is... Um, am I allowed to say this?
Recapper: Yeah. Why wouldn't you be?
Rachel: I don't know. Maybe it's white liberal guilt, but I don't think I can do it.
George: Oh for Pete's sake. I said it myself. Here, let me do it. I remind Jim that in Die Hard, Bruce Willis had a black dude on the inside, and then I say, "Let me be your black dude."
Recapper: ...which is what you've been all along anyhow, right?
[Editor: Is this a bad place to point out that Bruce actually had a black dude on the outside, not the inside? Technically, he was the white dude on the inside. Although he also had another black dude down in the parking garage. ...I'll shut up now.]
George: Yeah. Really, Rachel, I appreciate the sensitivity, but we've gotta be able to talk to each other.
Rachel: Fair enough. So anyhow, George tricks Davies' minions out into the hallway where he picks a couple of them off. Meanwhile, Davies is talking on the phone with the police negotiator and George is messing with his head, making him think he'll help him get a plane and whatever else he needs to get away. After Davies can't get in touch with a couple of his guys over their hand-helds, he's getting itchy. He wants to kill a hostage. I explain why I'm there and tell him that I think the rogue cop I'm looking for is the same person who is taking out his men. Finally, Davies radios Jim and tells him to show himself. Then he fricking shoots me! So Jim rushes to us. But then Davies gets a call saying they'll meet his demands, so he decides to take Jim and me hostage.
Jim: You went through that a little more quickly than we usually do.
Recapper: And that's a bad thing because...?
Jim: Point taken, Rachel. Take us home.
Rachel: Okay, so Jim and I start arguing about his failure to follow proper police procedure and endangering us all. Davies gets so tired of us, he shoots Jim. Then he drags me to the van. But of course Jim is nearly invulnerable, so he gets up, stops Davies cold and rescues me. This guy is a real American hero. I can't bust him. I just can't figure out why he's not dead, at least not until he reveals he's wearing a Kevlar vest.
Recapper: You know, that pissed me off. Did he stop to put one on in case Rachel had questions?
Rachel: Shhhhh. I'm almost done. Anyhow, I tell Jim to beat it before the SWAT teams arrives. He saved my life. I can't bust him.
Recapper: But that doesn't explain what all the other people being held hostage must have realized when they saw Jim go talk to Davies in person, right after you were talking -- aloud, about how your rogue cop and the guy taking out Davies' men must be the same person. I mean -- this is a police station.
Jim: Here, have some decaf.
Recapper: Right? Okay. Kids, why don't you finish up your story.
Daphne: I've got this. So, we're in detention: JJ, Natalie, Bailey Beeyotch, Chris and yours truly. But you know, I shouldn't call Bailey Beeyotch, at least not this week, because the Queen Beeyotch is Natalie. She dumps my little brother, right in front of all of us, and not even in hushed tones, because he's "interfering with her school work."
Chris: It's pretty dire, man. I feel for the little dweeb despite his extreme Bieber hairdo, so we bust out like we're Bender and whatever Michael Anthony Hall's character's name is, in The Breakfast Club.
Recapper: Yes, it's exactly like The Breakfast Club, except for being smart and entertaining. Plus, all three girls are reminiscent of Molly Ringwald's Claire, and you really need some Pixie Stick-sucking Ally Sheedy in the mix.
Emilio Estevez: Ahem. Aren't you forgetting someone else who's missing.
Recapper: Nope.
Emilio Estevez: Is this because of that Mighty Ducks thing?
Recapper: Shoo.
Chris: So anyhow, I take little dude for a walk with me, mostly so he can impress his girl. But then we come back without anything exciting happening at all. When we get back though, that hot chick Bailey suggests a game of Truth or Dare. When it's Daphne's turn, she picks "dare" so Bailey dares her to kiss me.
Daphne: And as I do, I see a flash of him being arrested, even though he just answered that he'd never been arrested, when he chose "truth."
JJ: And when it's my turn, Bailey tells me to share a secret. I consider telling them about my powers, but instead, I just decide to demonstrate them without copping to the fact that they're special. We're having detention in the science lab, because that's where anyone would lock up a bunch of kids without supervision, right? Oh, my word. Can I have coffee, too.
Jim: JJ, it'll stunt your growth, and you just can't afford that, son.
JJ: Milk, then?
Recapper: C'mon, Jim. The boy has just been humiliated by that girl. Cut the kid some slack. Chris can take it. He's still a newbie to the soul suck.
Jim: Fine. And you know what, JJ? You can even have chocolate milk.
JJ: Gee, dad, that's swell!
Chris: Heh. Okay, so JJ takes all these chemicals and mixes them to create an indoor snowfall and blathers on, much like his sister was during History class, about how he used to be flunking out but then a miracle happened. He tries to tie it back into that Natalie chick's inspiring snow in wherever that was, but that girl is Arctic. She's got some sob story about how she's a foster child and needs to do well in school, so she can't have the distraction of a boyfriend. Frigid, man. Just frigid. But you know who's not frigid?
Daphne: ME! After Professor Dick lets us out of detention, I pull Chris aside and tell him I know he was lying about never being arrested. He finally admits that one night he and his alcoholic father were out to eat. The father was too drunk to drive home, so Chris, who wasn't licensed, took the keys, and while he was trying to drive them home, he ended up driving them into a tree. His father was hurt and Chris got caught. Isn't that the dreamiest. Anyhow, he wants to know why I care about any of this, so I woman up and tell him: I like him. And then he kisses me! OMG, I am like totally freaking out.
Recapper: I know it's hard when you're crazy about a cute boy, but try to play it a little cool in front of him. Don't play games, but you know, maintain some semblance of reserve.
Bailey: Meanwhile, Natalie makes it clear that there is no chance between her and JJ, so I tell him not to let it get to him. I mean -- this kid is brilliant, he could be the Bill Gates, and Natalie could end up being one of the girls who spurned Gates and is now repeatedly kicking herself in the tush. That won't be me, let me tell. So anyhow, I give the pipsqueak a kiss on the cheek, because I am clearly way hotter than Natalie anyhow.
JJ: [Wiping off chocolate milk mustache] And? She's a senior. And wicked hot.
Jim: Atta boy.
Katie: I'll right, I'm taking the reins now. So, at Global Tech, Stephanie is pretty sure that Joshua is detoxing from something, but she only confronts him about it when I'm out of the room. He freaks, refuses to have any tests and leaves the room. He tries to use his powers to open the locked down door out in the hall, but he's too weak, now. That's when we learn that Charlotte from Lost is a shapeshifter. We learn this, because she knocks me out and shifts into my very shape.
Joshua: But the moment she kisses me, I know she's not my Katie. Charlotte is trying to get me back on the stuff and back on Dr. King's team, but I refuse. In Katie's form, she also tries to trick Stephanie into administering some Trilsettum to him, giving her a really heavy guilt trip about how she'd do it to save her own family, just not Katie's man. She also learns about Stephanie's power. Eventually, Stephanie is confronted by both Katies at the same time. The real Katie finally wins Steph's confidence when she... when she...
Katie: Swoon. What a gentleman. I win Steph's trust when it's clear I'm embarrassed to admit I just did you-know-what for the first time, at age 28.
Charlotte: So, I knock out Stephanie and try to kill Katie.
Joshua: I'm still wandering the halls, and I'm really hurting now, but once I realize Katie's in trouble, I realize I only have one option. I pick up the syringe of seekrit serum that Charlotte wanted to administer to me earlier, and give it to myself. Then I rush in and throw Charlotte through an inner window and she's down for the count. By the time Steph comes to, Charlotte his disappeared.
Steph: Back at home, the whole family sits down to dinner together, just as I dictated this morning, but not one of us tells the truth about our days, which is really kind of sad and empty.
Recapper: Much like the feeling I have, whenever I think too hard about it. Thanks for all your help, everyone. I hope week is better for all of us.
Cast: So say we all!
So yeah, grade the episode up top, and then please join the discussion down in our show thread. Insert witty comment here.
Watch the episode below, discuss it in our forums, and see what superpowers Modern Family should have.
What are people saying about your favorite shows and stars right now? Find out with Talk Without Pity, the social media site for real TV fans. See Tweets and Facebook comments in real time and add your own -- all without leaving TWoP. Join the conversation now!