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It's Jim and Stephanie's anniversary, so they leave their untrustworthy spawn home alone, while they take off for dinner and an overnight date at a hotel. The problem is, they don't leave Jim's cellphone behind, so George calls every five minutes trying to lure Jim into chasing a fire-starting super villain, whom we'll be calling Sparkles. Jim resists George's siren song, but when he and Steph happen upon a fire and Jim spots Sparkles, the Powells pair up to fight crime. Unbeknownst to our lovebirds, Sparkles is Dr. RevCam King's monster, and is doing his bidding. When Jim knocks out Sparkles, the cops find and arrest the fiend, but have to bring him to the hospital.
Jim takes Stephanie to George's lair and they plot to bust out Sparkles when he's transported to the precinct, so that he doesn't burn down the whole town. Once he's free, Steph will sedate him and run blood work, to determine his kryptonite, and then disable him permanently... or that's the plan. Said plan falls apart, because Dr. King has Will running interference for Sparkles, too. Will frees him by flipping the paddy wagon that's transporting him, right before the Powells get to him. While Jim drags the unconscious cops out of their wrecked ride, Stephanie races after Sparkles. He's not too slow, himself, and nearly manages to set her on fire, but Jim comes to the rescue. It all ends with Sparkles being doused (and killed) by sand or dry cement mix, or something. With the mood ruined, the Powells return to their pad and their delinquent progeny.
In the B-plot, JJ invites some bullies to his house for a poker game, because he's trying to win enough money to buy some super-duper computer. He thinks he can beat them by using his super-brain, but in the end, he has to drag in Daphne and her psychic abilities. The bullies are brash and base, but JJ is finally winning. But then Katie and Will show up to check on the kids and put the kibosh on the game, because while there may be gambling in Casablanca, there is no gambling in CasaPowell -- at least not on Katie's watch. Will subtly uses his abilities to mentally prod the bullies to blow (and to snoop around the Powell Pad), but Katie believes she's all commanding and authoritative, which is cute, because she's Katie.
There's a whole big pretense about whether Katie will tell Stephanie how naughty the niños have been, but when Will gets a call from Dr. King and has to beg off their date, Katie cuts a deal with Daphne: read Will's mind and see if he really has to work or if he's just losing interest. When Daphne tries, she gets nothing but static, so she lies to soothe Katie's ego, and to get her out of the house. Then there's the whole other big thing with the kids busting the marble sculpture Jim made for Stephanie, and them breaking into the school to repair it, and paying off the security guard with the poker winnings. Also Francis gets fired from Global Tech and Dr. King punishes Will for not saving Sparkles, by withholding his secret serum, but I'll save that for...
...Tomorrow, I'll be back with the full weecap. In the meantime, grade the episode up top, and then please join the discussion and poker game, down in our show thread.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Jim: George, why are you with me while I'm buying pre-anniversary roses for my bride?
George: I think the writers have decided I should suck.
Jim: Well, lately buddy? You do, so hear this: when Steph and I celebrate our 18th anniversary, nothing -- not the kids, not the lair, not criminals and not your pesky phone calls -- are going to screw it up.
George: Look, there go fire engines and police cars. You should go throw yourself into a towering inferno right before your anniversary, just to see if you're fireproof.
Jim: Up, up and away!
George: [to audience] What? He didn't say anything about fire.
Jim jumps into the burning building and saves a little boy. Our super dad is so super cool, even his clothes don't burn. Since this happens more than once in this episode, and I'm trying to stop flames from shooting out my ears, I'm fanwanking it thusly: super-sweat makes clothes fire retardant. Anyhow, after Jim hands the kids over to a firefighter and refuses medical assistance for himself, he notices a super-creep in the crowd. Since the show isn't one for suspense, I see no need to maintain a false sense of same. That creepy looking guy right there, that's our arsonist. He's a fire-starting super-villain, so we shall call him Sparkles.
At Global Tech:
Stephanie: So Katie, now Jim is flame-retardant.
Katie: That's good, since you're so smoking!
Stephanie: Your girl-crush wears on me, but it does provide me with the opportunity to impose upon you all the time.
Katie: It's a win-win situation. Or it was -- don't look now, but here comes Francis.
Francis: I'm here to provide dramatic tension. Will I actually get a look at your work and realize you're analyzing a tissue sample from your super-hubby, or will I just sneer and snivel?
Stephanie: Sneer, snivel and then slither out.
At School...
Bullies: Hey JJ, you 90-pound weakling, we shall call you a girl and put your books up high where you can't reach. Fear us. That is, provided, that Michael Oher isn't in this episode.
Michael Oher: MY NAME IS KENNY. AND NO, I'M NOT.
Bullies: Very well. Now we'll walk across the hall and talk about how we have to cancel our poker game.
JJ: Excellent! My parents are going out. Thank you for such a convenient opportunity to snooker you into financing my plan to buy a super-duper computer that can keep up with genius-me. I keep a pin-up of it in my locker, and sometimes when I look at it, I have to hold my books in front of my pants.
At the Powell Pad...
Stephanie: So kids, Daddy and I are going out to dinner and staying overnight in a hotel.
Daphne and JJ: [gag]
Stephanie: We've hired an octogenarian to babysit you overnight. You're cool with that, right?
Daphne: What, you don't trust us? I mean, it's been a couple of weeks since I tried to use my powers to illegally obtain alcohol, and it's been seven whole days since JJ hacked into the school's computer. We're like the gold-standard of trustworthy kids. But trustworthier!
Jim: You make a persuasive argument, or perhaps I just want to get your mother alone, but it works for me. Hey Steph, before we leave, open your present.
Steph: [swoons]. You shouldn't have.
Jim: Don't worry about the cost, dear. Money is no object since I sculpted it, myself. See, it's a marble replica of our intertwined hands. And now, thanks to my newbilities, I don't even have to carve the marble. I just rub it a lot. Which reminds me, let's get to the hotel.
Jim's Phone: Ring-a-ding
George: There's a crime. It's time.
Jim: Dude, there are cops in this town. I'm taking out my woman.
George: You are far too well-balanced to be a super hero. It totally should have been me.
At Global Tech...
Francis: Dr. RevCam King, Stephanie won't let me play in the lab.
King: Great, that frees up time for you to gather intel on what she's doing and report back to me.
Francis: But I'm a scientist, not a spy.
King: "Spy" is so cold war.
Francis: I am way too educated to play Gossip Girl, besides, I haven't the figure for it.
King: Good point. You're fired!
At the Powell Pad...
Daphne: JJ, who are all these little miscreants and why are they in our home?
JJ: They're my poker-bullies.
Daphne: You mean buddies. [reads their sick little minds] Oh. I see. You don't. Well, I want them out of here right now.
JJ: But I need to win money to by my own, my love, my preciousssssssssssssss. I'll split my takings with you, 80/20. 60/40? Oh all right, 50/50.
Daphne: Deal. I may be easy, but I'm not cheap.
Meanwhile, across town, Stephanie calls Katie and asks her to check in on the kids. Katie, who seems to be readying herself for a date right in the lab can't say no to her boss/girl-crush. Fortunately, her date is with Will who is as interested in gaining access to Stephanie as he is in Katie.
At the Powell Pad...
Bullies: There's no way you're winning you little snot-nosed girlie boy. You're counting cards. We're changing the game to Five Card Draw. Try and count 'em, now.
Kenny Rogers: You've got to know when to hold 'em (when to hold 'em)...
Recapper: Don't waste your voice, Kenny. These kids are... OMG, what have you done to your face?
Kenny Rogers: I went into this, in depth, with People, years ago. Have you been living under a rock?
Recapper: La la la. Can't hear you. Can't see you. Have crawled back under my nice, comfy, PROTECTIVE rock.
At the restaurant...
Stephanie: Well, it looks like your Recapper is having some sort of crisis. Since I'm super-fast, let me blaze through this. We have reservations, but the hostess is telling us there's a 45 minute wait. I hate to wait, especially now that I'm super fast, so after being condescended to by Ginger, over there, I speed up to the desk move our name to the top of the wait list, and some other poor sucker's name down to our slot. Jim and I are feeling pretty proud of ourselves, until we realize the schnook whose spot we took had made reservations, so he could propose to his girlfriend. Overcome with guilt, and having a soft-spot for young lovers on our anniversary, Jim and I give up our table, which should have been the young lovers' anyhow, and we go to a nearby hotdog stand.
Jim: As we walk around town, we come across another fire. And I spot -- Sparkles -- is it?
Nice, Comfy, PROTECTIVE ROCK: Yes, that's right. Continue, please.
Jim: So I tell Steph to call 9-1-1 and tell them we've spotted a suspect, and then I make her promise to wait right there, while I run off after Sparkles. I'm really not comfortable calling him Sparkles. Will you please come up with a different nickname?
Nice, Comfy, PROTECTIVE ROCK: No!
Steph: I think Sparkles is kinda cute. The name. Not the guy. I mean did you get a gander at him? But that's not what's important here. Jim, you missed the best part.
Jim: ???
Steph: Oh all right, I'll tell it. So Jim makes me promise to wait right there, and we all know that's code for "follow along later and save me" and when he takes off, he hands his hotdog to a firefighter! He's all like here, buddy, you're not busy. Crack me up.
Jim: I do no such thing. I throw the hotdog in a nearby trashcan.
Steph: Are you sure? It totally looks like you hand it off to a firefighter.
Nice, Comfy, PROTECTIVE ROCK: No, he's right. I watched it again. But I thought the same thing at first, Stephanie. Now let's get this show on the road.
Jim: So I throw my hotdog in the trash and follow... Sparkles for a couple of blocks, then catch up with him in a long alley. There's a little bit of back and forth where he realizes I'm a super, too, and then we fight. I smash him up against a wall. HE STARTS A FIRE WITH HIS FRICKING HANDS. Do you understand me? He is beating me up. WITH FIRE. We're in a remote alley, so I grab a dumpster lid as a shield, but pretty soon, the sucker is going to melt.
Steph: And that's when I save the day. No, don't ask me how I know where to find them, but I do. Then I charge up behind Sparkles, grab a pipe, conk him over the head and knock him out. Just then, the cops show up. No, don't ask how they know where to go, either. Jim grabs me and at first I think he wants to... celebrate our anniversary right there in the alley, and although I'm all atwitter with adrenaline I have my standards, so I suggest we retire to the hotel, instead, but he just wants to keep our secret identities secret.
Jim: Well, that's not all I want, I just...I have my standards, too. But what's worrisome is the cops are taking Sparkles into custody.
Nice, Comfy, PROTECTIVE ROCK: Right, because how do they know that this random guy who's passed out in an alley is the arsonist?
Jim: [scoffing] Nah. That's not worrisome, that's just what passes for plotting on this show. It's worrisome, because he's STARTS FIRES WITH HIS BARE HANDS and he could burn down the police station, the town, the world.
Nice, Comfy, PROTECTIVE ROCK: Oh, I get that. I just... the plotting thing, Jim. It ticks me off. I'll be watching a nice little episode like this one and thinking I've been too harsh on it, and then the writers abandon all efforts to connect the dots and just tell me they connect. I don't like it.
Stephanie: That's why you have The Vampire Diaries, Rocky. Don't worry. It'll be back Thursday, December 2, at 8:00 PM/7 Central on the CW.
JJ: Um, guys, there's story going on over here, too.
Nice, Comfy, PROTECTIVE ROCK: Yeah, but do you have to tell it?
Daphne: HA! No. I will. Now that the poker-bullies have switched their game, JJ is tanking, so he asks me to read their minds and give him a sign when they're bluffing. Pretty soon, he's raking in the chips. But then KATIE SHOWS UP AT THE HOUSE! She's with her boyfriend, so JJ and I rush to the door, and give them cherubic smiles and cheery voices, and Katie's totally falling for it, but her darned boyfriend suggests she should check inside, just in case. Killjoy.
Will the Watcher: Well, I don't really give a damn what you kids do. I just want to snoop around your house and report back to Dr. RevCam King.
Nice, Comfy, PROTECTIVE ROCK: (Ixnay on the oopsnay. You and I are the only ones who know about that.)
Will: (Us and the rest of the audience.)
Nice, Comfy, PROTECTIVE ROCK: (Like I said...)
Katie: Hello, I'm trying to go on a date here. So okay, we get inside, bust the poker party. I order the kids out, and then scoff, but then they totally change their minds and leave, because I am fierce.
Will: (And because, WITH MY MIND, I suggest they leave, but don't tell Katie. She's so cute when she's proud of herself. Also, while she bargains with the Powell kids over whether or not she'll tell their mother, I snoop around the house looking for evidence of Super Powell Power, which I find -- stuff like Stephanie's snack drawer and her journal in which she's documenting their powers. SCORE!)
Nice, Comfy, PROTECTIVE ROCK: (Thank you.)
Katie: So while Will goes to "wash his hands" I'm arguing with the kids about telling their mom on them. When Will gets back, his phone rings. It's his boss.
Will: (He wants me to go break out Sparkles.)
Katie: He has a work emergency. (So I tell Daphne if she reads his mind and figures out if he's bailing because this date sucks, or because he really has work, I'll forget to tell Stephanie about the poker game.)
Daphne: (But when I go to read Will's mind, all I get is static. It freaks me out -- as does the way he's looking at me. Anyhow, I tell Katie he really does have to work, because we need to get off the hook for this one.)
Katie: So, Will and I leave.
Daphne: And it's then that JJ and I realize just how screwed we really are. The marble sculpture of my parents' hands has been smashed to smithereens.
Nice, Comfy, PROTECTIVE ROCK: Even though it was over on the mantle, and even though the gathering never got rowdy and people spent most of their time sitting around the table, playing cards?
JJ: I know, RIGHT? But, we've got to fix it and my super-brain knows just the way to do it. But do we use my frustrated-artist father's art supplies to put it together? No, because that would make sense. Instead, I talk my sister into breaking into the high school art room with me, because we all know how much marble work is done in high school classes across America.
Meanwhile, at the lair...
George: I'm a little put off that there's a chick in our private boy's club, but I get over it when I realize she's good at this super-heroing stuff.
Steph: Heh. Right. After George identifies Sparkles as Theo Patton, I come up with a plan. We'll catch him, sedate him, and then I'll get to work on concocting a kryptonite specific to his super-villain make-up.
At the hospital...
Sparkles: Tree bad. Fire pretty. Give me phone, cop. Me want my one phone call.
At Global Tech...
Dr. RevCamKing: [answering phone] Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated.
Sparkles: Me want freedom! Me tell on you if not give me freedom.
King: Me working... ahem. I'm working on it, all right? Sit tight. Bye bye.
Sparkles: Tree bad. Fire pretty.
Jim: So, at one point, we're at the lab, while Steph cooks up a sedative for Sparkles.
Steph: Oh yeah, and Francis comes in, snits at me to watch my back, and then reveals he's been fired.
Jim: I still cringe for you that I had to explain that, honey.
Steph: Ahem. So anyhow, we're headed over to bust out Sparkles when we get the call from George.
Steph: There's always a call from George.
Jim: Someone's already freed Sparkles. It's not long before we happen upon the flipped van. There's a hole burned right in it. And Cordero and another cop are unconscious and injured.
Nice, Comfy, PROTECTIVE ROCK: Let me guess. And even though George heard about the van flipping on the police scanner, there's not a rescue worker on the scene and Jim has to drag Cordero and partner out of the paddy wagon.
Will: (Right. Plus I'm watching from the shadows.)
Steph: Yes. And I get to run after Sparkles, who is basically a fireball right now. And then we fight at some construction site. I can outrun Extra-Flamey Sparkles at first, but he starts gaining on me. Just when I think my goose is cooked (see what I did there?) Jim shows up and throws him into some electrical panel. Sparkles shakes it off and is ready to roast us both, but then the electrical panel ignites, and releases some thingum and Sparkles is doused with I don't know. What is that? Sand. Dry concrete? Asphalt? Gravel?
Big, Comfy, PROTECTIVE ROCK: Darned if I know. But he's dead, right?
Daphne: Yes.
The Bangles: Am I only dreaming? Is this burning an eternal flame?
Big, Comfy, PROTECTIVE ROCK: Not so much, no.
Jim: And sheesh, I never killed anyone before. Oh sure, I've hurled people off the top of buildings, but they happened to be super villains and bounced back. [Snicker.] Anyhow, Steph and I aren't so much up for a big night at the hotel, anymore, so we're going home.
Steph: I call the kids to warn let them know, because I'm just that clueless.
At the School...
Daphne: So, this has been a big night. We break into the school carrying the sculpture pieces in a chain saw box, which is a little confusing at first, no?
Big, Comfy, PROTECTIVE ROCK: Word. At first I thought you took a saw to the door and I was all haven't these kids ever heard of throwing a rock through a window?
Daphne: Then the security guard busts us, so we fess up to our reason for being there. Once I read his mind and realize he can be bought, I hand him the wad of cash that was our poker winnings, to buy his silence.
Big, Comfy, PROTECTIVE ROCK: Ridiculous.
JJ: I know, right? She could have just offered him some.
Big, Comfy, PROTECTIVE ROCK: No, genius. It's ridiculous to think that Katie would have let you guys settle up, before she kicked the poker-bullies out of the house. But continue, please.
JJ: Okay, so we fix the sculpture and then Mom calls Katie on her cell, so we bust ass out of there and try to beat them home.
At the Powell Pad...
Daphne: When mom and dad get home, everything looks just like it did when they left.
Stephanie: Well, at first everything looks okay, but then we find a poker chip on the floor.
JJ: Yeah, those rascally kids. JJ was teaching Daphne to play online poker.
Big, Comfy, PROTECTIVE ROCK: With physical poker chips? And you two buy this?
Stephanie: Well, something else is out of order. My sculpture.
Big, Comfy, PROTECTIVE ROCK: Yes!
Kids: GULP
Steph: It's been moved from the mantle to the table.
Jim: Right, and even though it was wrought with my bare hands, I can't tell that it's been glued back together, and coated with crap, and everything. Once the Mrs. and I are in bed, I tell her how much I love working together.
Steph: But I bow out of all future capers. I have kids to think about.
Jim: (After we turn out the lights, I get a little pouty over that, but don't tell.)
Big, Comfy, PROTECTIVE ROCK: (Deal.)
And Now, The Thrilling Conclusion...
Outside Global Tech...
Dr. RevCam King: So, Will and I meet, but we're sitting on back-to-back benches, all stealthy like. Will apologizes for Sparkles' death with some balderdash about unforeseen circumstances, and I act like I'm down with that, but then, instead of giving him an injection of my secret serum, I spill it all over the ground.
Will: Can you believe it? I mean, just last week, you mentioned how I look like a junkie, and that's because I am. I need my powers. But King says I have to live without them for a while, so that I'll remember to be more careful of them, once they're restored.
Dr. King: Yeah, 'cause I'm a bitch like that.
Francis: But not as big a bitch as me. I've been spying on these two dastardly fiends, since I don't have a day job and all. As soon as they leave, I run over to Dr. King's puddle of green, gooey, secret serum, and collect a sample with my hanky. MUAHAHAHAHAHA!
So, that happened. I'll be back week with "No Ordinary Sidekick." In the meantime, grade the episode up top, and then please join the discussion down in our show thread, which is free of green goo.
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