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Hey, "No Ordinary Mobster" isn't the same-old, same-old! I'm still not in love with the series. I'm still not recommending it to friends, but this morning there are no Please Release Me letters to Tubey in my e-mail draft folder. And I smell something different. If I'm not mistaken, it's the faintest whiff of hope.
The skinny: It's George's Very-Buffy Birthday. Our handsome A.D.A. fails to convict mobster My-Name-Is-Luka (hi Vampire Diaries fans), and his cute co-council, Amanda (Amy Acker; Fred on Angel), is shot in the chest, right after she kisses George and maybe kinda sorta agrees to go on a date. Jim trots out his newbilities in order to catch My-Name-Is-Luka red-handed and give George another chance to prosecute. The only problem is, My-Name-Is-Luka rips off Jim's ski mask, gets a good long look at his mug, and he gets to see Jim in super-action. My-Name-Is-Luka tries to use what he saw to get George to drop the charges. George calls his bluff and then bluffs him (when I ponder the difference, that pretty hope-scent fades, so I'm not thinking 'til the weecap) into submission. My-Name-Is-Luka agrees to plead to (somewhat reduced) charges and testify against his big boss.
But... when My-Name-Is-Luka is hauled off to jail, the WATCHER kills him WITH HIS MIND. Bringing the mysterious Watcher into this week's story is what makes the difference. As I'll hit in the weecap, he continues to do Dr. RevCam King's bidding, but also seemingly works an agenda of his own, and that agenda of his own might just be contrary to RevCam's. Why do I say that? Well, for one thing, he tells RevCam he's unfamiliar with Stephanie and the Powell Clan, even though he's been watching Jim in action. He may have killed My-Name-Is-Luka to protect our Powells. For another thing, the Watcher targets Katie as his entry into the Powell inner-circle, and I'm thinking there's no way he won't fall for our cute sidekick, even if he doesn't plan to -- much like poor, scrawny JJ seems to have done. There's more romance in this episode, too, some of which includes Daphne reading a boy's mind to glean information that will impress him and catch his interest. There's also intrigue involving Dr. Volson's widow, who is on RevCam King's payroll. From her wheelchair, she warns Stephanie off pursuing the late Dr. Volson's research and indicates the powers will fade, as they did for her.
Thing happen this week -- things that ought to matter in the coming weeks. That's the eau du hope's essential oil. I'll be back tomorrow with the full weecap (but possibly less hope). In the meantime, grade the episode up top, and then please join the discussion in our show thread/online dating service.
Watch the episode below, discuss it in our forums, and see the ineffectual TV superheroes the Powells wish they were.
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Want more? The full recap starts right below!Hey, "No Ordinary Mobster" isn't the same-old, same-old! So neither is this weecap. You ready? Okay. Up, up, and away.
Stephanie: I'm so glad we're throwing a surprise party for George, and even gladder that we put off the preparation until the last moment, so that I can use my super powers. Whoooosh.
Jim: Me, too. Did you know I'm really strong? Bound.
Stephanie: They had to give you some power that would keep me with you. I mean...seriously. Look at me. Now look at yourself. Now back to me...
Jim calls George.
Jim: Hey buddy, are you all ready for your surprise party my wife's been busting ass over, but I couldn't bother to keep a secret?
George: You know it, but you'll never believe who I'm flirting with this week. It's Fred. From Angel!
Jim: Now that was a good show. Is she all Illyria-blue Fred, Pylea-peasant psycho Fred, or wacky wall-writing Fred?
George: Actually, she's kind of sexy lawyer-Fred. I'm going to call her Amanda, so I can think about Angel singing "Mandy" at Caritas, because other than Puppet-Angel losing his nose, that was the funniest shit ever. Gotta run. I'll catch you later at my unsurprising surprise party.
Jim: Excellent. Maybe we can talk more about shows that didn't suck.
Outside the courtroom.
George: We're waiting for the verdict in a huge case, but even though we are the best TV ADAs ever, he's so gonna get off.
Amanda: Speaking of...why aren't we making out, yet? I'm not a series regular, so I've gotta be here for something. Let's go somewhere more cozy.
George: Oh baby, I'm gonna take you places, but first we have to wait for the verdict.
Amanda: Who's on trial?
George: The Albanian mobster, My-Name-Is-Luka.
Amanda: Does he live on the second floor?
Your Recapper: Look, this is the second Luka I've had to write about in five days. I'm not made of stone.
Courtroom.
Jury Forewoman: Not guilty.
George: Here's where I issue a threat, in hopes that I can turn on Amanda.
Amanda: That's redundant. I'm already turned on. You remind me of an old boyfriend. I think it's the hair.
My-Name-Is-Luka: I need to glare icily at this woman who isn't yet your woman so that later, when I shoot her right through the booby, not one person will be surprised.
Amanda: When did I get boobies?
Later, at the party...
Crowd: SURPRISE!
George: Yeah, right. OMG. I am so shocked. Wink wink nudge nudge.
Stephanie: The writers tell you I'm highly intelligent, while showing you I'm a moron. That's all they know what to do with me, because I'm a hot blonde.
Jim: Jim and Steph, this is Amanda. Amanda, this is Jim and Stephanie.
Jim and Stephanie: Hi person we've never met, and yet managed to invite to George's party. Our psychic daughter read his mind and got your name and address.
Amanda: So that's how I got here!
Katie: Give me something to do other than stand over in the corner with my phone, sexting strangers, please. I'm the brightest light in this show.
Audience: KATIE! You're the only reason we're still tuning in.
Katie: Thanks, you guys. And you're the only reason I'm not phoning it in at this point. This week, we've got to pretend that I'm not beautiful, so I can have a lame storyline about being a dateless nerd, who no one notices, except that nerdier little bit of jailbait, JJ.
Stephanie: Great idea, Katie! I'll have you tutor JJ, that's kind of like a social life, right? Be right back. I'm gonna ask the DJ to play Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher," so that the audience knows what's coming .
George drives Amanda home.
Amanda: Can we skip the awkward talk about fooling around with co-workers and get to the fooling around with co-workers?
George: I would love to skip the awkward talk about fooling around with co-workers and get to the fooling around with co-workers, but on this show, we never divert from the formula. When you were Fred, you were a scientist, and therefore understood the importance of formulas. Now that you're Amanda....
Amanda macks on George.
George: Now, that I've kissed you twice and yet failed to do much more than hint at the possibility of a date, it's time for you to get out of the car. And even though I'm a great guy who is well aware how dangerous this town is, I'm not going to walk you across the street to your door, because I don't wanna get in the way of the bullet that's gotta pierce your booby.
Amanda: Yikes. Couldn't we just stay here?
George: Get out of the car, woman. It's booby blasting time.
Amanda: But I just grew these.
George: OUT!
Amanda gets out of the car and gets her booby blown off. George looks at it all like he's watching TV. If only I could get him to write the recap.
Audience: Sheesh, George. What are you waiting for, popcorn? Get out of the car and help Fred! We can't watch her die again. One hole in the world is enough.
George gets out of the car and starts to chase the shooter.
Audience: FRED, George. SAVE FRED!
George: (sheepishly) oh, right.
Later, at the hospital...
Jim: So, you're quite the ladykiller, huh buddy?
George: That's what your wife says. Seriously, look at me. Now look at yourself. Now back to me.
Jim: When are we going to leave this show, George? We're too good for it. I mean, they get Amy Acker to guest star, and then shoot off her booby and put her in a coma. And did you see what they did to Cybill Shepherd last week?
George: Have you seen the ratings, Jim? It won't be long now. While we're killing time, why don't you go after My-Name-Is-Luka, but keep it a secret from me. I know he's behind this, but the writers want me to pretend like I want to protect you, even though I spent one whole episode running you over with a car.
Jim: Up, up, and awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.
Daytime; High School
Daphne: Hey Recapper-lady, you forgot the set-up to my B-plot!
Your Recapper: So did everyone else watching the show. But don't let it get you down, kid. You'll land another role, soon. If they ever put you in a Joan of Arcadia remake, I'll give it a look-see.
Daphne: Cheese it. There's my new crush, Brett. He's dating the school's queen beeyotch, but they break up every day, so I'm just biding my time, reading his mind. Oh, shit.
Your Recapper: What's wrong?
Daphne: His mind is on modernist art. I've just managed to finagle a date to the museum with him, which means now I'm going to have to coerce JJ into learning all about it, even though I mangled his chances with his last crush.
Your Recapper: Ever heard of Wikipedia? Besides, what good is that going to do? You can't bring your little brother on your date and have him psychically feed you conversation all night.
Daphne: DON'T TELL ME WHAT I CAN'T DO.
Your Recapper: I'll tell you one thing, if you ever, ever imitate John Locke again, I'll kill you off myself. I'll tell you another thing, too. I'm not going to spend too many keystrokes on your story.
Daphne: I can't even blame you.
Later, Jim stalks My-Name-Is-Luka...
Jim: I have thwarted you, My-Name-Is-Luka, and I've called the cops to come get you. I don't exactly know how I'll hand you over to them without outing myself. I wish thinking was my super-power.
My-Name-Is-Luka: If you hear something late at night -- some kind of trouble -- some kind of fight, just don't ask me what it was, because I'm too busy ripping off your ski-mask and memorizing your face. I spit on your secret identity. Ptui.
Jim: Up, up and awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
The Watcher: Watches.
Day; Global Tech
Katie: Hey, Stephanie, leave me alone with your hormonal son while you run down to Veracruz, Mexico and talk to Dr. Volson's widow.
Stephanie: Not another road trip. Did you not see how many sneakers I've gone through?
Katie: You say that like you think I'm watching this show. LOL.
Stephanie: I meant to do that. LOL.
Daphne: Hey Recapper, over here!
Your Recapper: What are you doing? You're not in this scene.
Daphne: I know, but I'm going to get kissed. You wanna watch?
Your Recapper: I already did. Oh, right. You want me to tell the people about it. Hey people, Brett walks Daphne home and kisses her. Remember being 16 and getting a first kiss from a new boy (or girl)? Sigh.
Audience: Awww! Sigh.
Precinct...
George: My-Name-Is-Luka, I'm here to offer you a plea. Give up your boss, Victor Kadare, (whose name I only mention, in case he turns up later) and I'll just send you to jail for a hundred years, instead of a thousand.
My-Name-Is-Luka: I think it's 'cause I'm clumsy. I try not to talk too loud. Maybe it's because I'm crazy. I try not to act too proud. They only hit until you cry, and after that you don't ask why. You just don't argue anymore.
George: Wow. Jim got a little rough with you, not that I know Jim. I don't know any Jims. I don't even go to the gym, I'm just this fine, naturally.
My-Name-Is-Luka: Thank you for reminding me. Now's the time where I tell you I know there's a new super-hero in town and I know he's an undercover cop. Notice how my lawyer doesn't think I'm out of my mind? Isn't that weird? Aren't you just intrigued?
George: Be right back. I have to change my drawers.
Meanwhile, down old Mexico way...
Mrs. Volson: Steph buddy, WHAT UP?
Stephanie: I'm not at all surprised you recognize me. I'm lifetime cover-girl for Hottie Scientist Monthly. I mean who else they gonna pick, Katie? Shit, I had to teach that girl how to flirt with my own son, on an online dating service. He's posing as an adult, in order to boost her "confidence," because she is in no way hot. I mean, she doesn't even dye her hair blonde.
Your Recapper: Thanks Steph, now I don't have to cover that part.
Stephanie: No problem. Now that I've got all this extra time on my hands, maybe I can help you clean your house. It looks like someone should.
Your Recapper: Believe you me, I'd rather be doing that than this.
Stephanie: Me too, sister.
Mrs. Volson: Since neither of you are interested in me, I'll summarize for the three people who will read all the way through this crap.
Your Recapper: Hey! There's my mother, my husband, and my editor. Oh. Right. Three.
Mrs. Volson: I'm in a wheelchair. And years ago, when my husband worked for Global Tech, I used to be in a wheelchair. But then I wasn't, because he used me like a lab rat.
Stephanie: Jim and I tried that position once, it's trickier than you'd think, and the fake whiskers and tail tickle. I never knew it could cure a paraplegic, though. You should publish your findings.
Mrs. Volson: Well, I never!
Your Recapper: I don't even...
Mrs. Volson: Okay, readers, so anyhow, I'd like the stupid scientist to know that my husband gave me some of his secret serum.
Stephanie: Tee hee.
Mrs. Volson: Ahem. And he took some, too.
Stephanie: Ew.
Mrs. Volson: His secret serum enabled us to do wonderful things. Then he got fired. We could no longer do wonderful things. Then I ended up back in the chair and he killed himself. Thank you and good day.
Stephanie: But wait, I have some more ques...
Mrs. Volson: I said good day!
Back at Global Tech
Katie: Aren't you even going to tell the people that while I'm supposed to tutor JJ, he's too smart for me, and so I'm turning to this 14 year old virgin for romantic advice, which leads to him falling for me, and his own mother ends up posing as me online and asking him for a date?
Your Recapper: Well, Steph and I alluded to it earlier, and you just filled in the blanks, so no.
At the Precinct...
Jim: We've got to do something to boot this show in the ass. What if I reveal my secret identity, thereby enabling you to successfully prosecute My-Name-Is-Luka?
George: If you reveal your secret identity, my role will be diminished, and after Katie, I am the best thing on this show.
Jim: Yeah, but that bar's set pretty low, pal.
George: Word. Anyhow, I'm not going to call My-Name-Is-Luka's bluff. Instead... I'm going to bluff him.
Jim: What the hell's the difference?
George: Beats me. Writers? Bueller?
Writers: crickets
In the Interrogation Room
George: I'm not calling your bluff, instead, I'm bluffing you.
My-Name-Is-Luka: Oh no, not the old bluff-calling bluff. I surrender. I will give up my big Albanian mob boss and plead to anything you want.
Writers: See? It's totally a thing.
My-Name-Is-Luka's Lawyer: Well, my work here is done.
Your Recapper: Sure. Rub it in.
At the High School...
Megan: Daphne, if you were any happier, your face would explode.
Daphne: Dammit, Megan. Don't you know that means I'm going to turn around right now and catch Brett and Beeyotch smooching in the stairwell? You are the reason I can't have nice things.
In Amanda's Hospital Room...
George: Hey Amanda, wake up. You could at least be awake for the few crumbs our crack writing staff has thrown you.
Amanda: I know. You should have seen the time I did a spot on Supernatural. I was in almost every scene. With Dean Winchester. He even pulled me naked out of a tub. Mmmm. Dean.
George: I'm going to ignore that and remind you we've got a date. I know you need some time, since your booby got blown off and all, so um... Friday?
Amanda: Not only did my booby get blown off -- a bullet pierce my back, traveled through a lung and then blew my booby off. Which reminds me, I need to get a new one, so how about Saturday?
George: It's a date. Now sit up and give me some sugar.
Amanda: All right, but don't touch me there.
At the Precinct...
My-Name-Is-Luka: Yes, I think I'm okay. Walked into the door again. If you ask, that's what I'll say and it's not your business anyway.
Cops: What's with this head case?
The Watcher: Hold the elevator. I'm dressed up as a cop to fool you guys, because you don't all know each other or anything, right? Here. Have a donut.
My-Name-Is-Luka: I guess I'd like to be alone with nothing broken, nothing thrown. Just don't ask me how I am.
Steven Tyler: Oh stop it with that Luka song. Here, allow me. Love in an elevator. Living it up while I'm going down...
The Watcher: Don't strain the pipes, Steven. I've got this. I'm going to kill My-Name-Is-Luka with my mind.
My-Name-Is-Luka: Dies.
Steven Tyler: That was awesome!
At the Powell Pad:
Brett: I'm sorry I didn't tell you I got back together with Beeyotch.
Daphne: That's all right, Brett. I'm a television-teenager. I have no emotions other than those given to me.
Brett: Gee Daphne, you're aces. Just for that, I'm going to think something romantic about you. You ready?
Daphne: Ready, willing and able.
Brett's Brain: I'm not sure I picked the right girl.
Daphne: Swoon
Your Recapper: Good thing he didn't watch the pilot, in which we learned you're a consecrated virgin.
Daphne: I know, right?
At Global Tech...
Dr. RevCam King: (on phone) Heya, Widow Volson? What's the happy haps?
Mrs. Volson: I followed your script, you maniacal fiend. Stephanie is scared of the corpse's research and will steer clear of it. Now give me your secret serum, baby.
Dr. RevCam King: Over the phone?
Mrs. Volson: Well, the kids are using computers, these days.
Dr. RevCam King: I'll try, but I'm not sure I can type one-handed.
Dr. RevCam's Hand: Types
Mrs. Volson: I'm already there. Look at me, I'm back on my feet and everything.
Dr. RevCam King: Yeah, that's my speciality. I call it the Lab Rat.
The Door: Knock Knock
RevCam: Who's there?
The Door: Stephanie.
RevCam: Thank goodness. I need to get this picture of the Widow Volson out of my brain before I remember my age and lose my virility.
Mrs. Volson: Um?
Stephanie: I came to tell you exactly what the Widow Volson just told you, so really, this scene is pointless.
RevCam: You just think it is. My Watcher is hiding behind the corner and I'm going to give him a picture of you and your family and tell him to keep an eye on you, because the rest of you people can't kick a plot in the arse to save your life, or our jobs.
Stephanie: You're the best boss! I really like this gig, but I know we're headed for cancellation if things don't change.
RevCam: Cancellation schmancellation. I've come back after a purported series finale. When you're as good-looking as we are, kid, the rules are different.
Stephanie: I know, but have you seen Jim?
RevCam: Good point. Run along now, I still have a lot more work to do if this show is going to get as interesting as my character is.
Stephanie: Leaves.
The Watcher: Sometimes, I like to watch.
RevCam: Well, here's a picture of the Powell family; watch them. You ever seen 'em?
The Watcher: Well, I stalk Jim all the time, but I'm not going to tell you that, because maybe I'm a secretly working against you. Maybe I'm even good.
RevCam: You kill people with your mind.
The Watcher: Bad people -- like My-Name-Is-Luka.
The Audience: And Detective Cho!
The Watcher: Oh, right. My bad. Well at least we can agree I'm intriguing.
RevCam: Yes you are, as am I. This show is damn lucky we're here. But tell me, son, what's up with the name Luka, lately? Seriously, that's the second Luka on TV in a five-day span. Is there some writers bar where they all hang out?
The Watcher: If there is, we can only hope our writers drink less and hang with the Vampire Diaries writers more.
RevCam: Team Stefan or Team Damon?
The Watcher: If I told you, I'd no longer be intriguing. But hey, I gotta run. I've got a date.
Outdoor Cafe...
Katie: I am the cutest girl in the world, and yet here I sit all alone, because my cyber honey is standing me up.
JJ: I am across the road, because I'm a scrawny little kid, yo, and even I'm not brilliant enough to figure out how to make a girl like you interested in me.
Katie: Thank goodness, because that would be a little too Mary Kay Letourneau for me, Villi.
JJ: Point taken. I'll just grab my little scooter and head along home.
Katie: Meanwhile, I'll just wait here for Will, who is never going to come, because he's you, and yet I don't know that.
The Watcher: Hey girl, how you doin'?
Katie: You Will?
The Watcher: Oh, I Will and I will.
Katie: Awesome!
So, um... that happened. Is the show going to get better? Even if it is, is it too late? How about the change in the recap -- did you love it, hate it, or did it just leave you cold? Shoot me an email at CynthiaMcLennan[at]gmail.com, or shout out to me on Twitter and let me know what you're thinking. Unless I get fired, or the show gets cancelled, I'll be back Wednesday with recaplet of "No Ordinary Accident." In the meantime, please join the discussion in our show thread/online dating service.
Watch the episode below, discuss it in our forums, and see the ineffectual TV superheroes the Powells wish they were.
Want to immediately access TWoP content no matter where you are online? Download the free TWoP toolbar for your web browser. Already have a customized toolbar? Then just add our free toolbar app to get updated on our content as soon it's published.