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Well, it took half the season, but I think this show might have finally figured out what it's trying to do. We skip the Japanese tsunami to deal with the aftermath, as Dr. Dr. Sloan gets to try her hand at anchoring a broadcast when Elliot takes off to spend the night with his five-year-old who just had his tonsils removed and needs to stay overnight in the hospital even though it's an outpatient procedure. She goes to Will for last-minute tips, and he yells at her that she lets people lie to her on the air and that's basically like being a drug dealer. So Dr. Dr. Sloan vows not to let that happen and ends up revealing what the spokesman for the Tokyo Electric Power Company told her off the record, thanks to her awesome knowledge of Japanese. She gets in a lot of trouble for this, but saves her job by lying on the air and saying she misunderstood the spokesman, at Charlie and Will's urging.
Maggie, Jim, and Neal spend the episode investigating Will's personal life for any future TMI stories. They discover that Will was in talks with Fox News to do a talk show in Los Angeles the same time that he was dating MacKenzie, which MacKenzie tries to throw back in Will's face to prove that he wasn't all that serious about her after all. Will says the Fox deal was never really going to happen and he knew that, and shows her the engagement ring he bought to give to her. Except that he actually bought it because he knew the Fox thing would come up during the investigation and he wanted MacKenzie to feel extra-bad about cheating on him again.
That's because Will is a bully in this episode. It's not his fault – his dad was abusive and he had to protect the womenfolk from him. We discover this when Will goes to his psychiatrist for the first time in four years after a bout with insomnia makes it hard for him to do his job. He just wants medicine, but is stuck talking about work problems instead, from Rick Santorum's gay black campaign advisor and show guest who Will thinks shouldn't be working for a man who hates gays (but who seriously tells Will off, which was pretty great) to the evil internet people who override ACN's new non-anonymous commenting system in order to send Will death threats.
Will's insomnia ends up being because he eats bacon before bed. We don't find out who was threatening to kill him, but that person should probably be hired at NewsNight because he's clearly better at the internet than Maggie, who doesn't know what LOL stands for. Or that Georgia the state and Georgia the country are not the same thing.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Will struggles to get through his newscast without confusing terms like "deficit" and "debt ceiling," "washing" and "watching," and "Will McAvoy" and "Terry Smith." Also, it turns out that Terry Smith is the name of the host of the show that's on after NewsNight and before whatever Elliot's show is called! Why haven't we ever met this "Terry Smith?" Is it a man or a woman? Does Terry Smith have his or her own HBO show that's actually really, really good in a parallel universe? Why can't we watch that instead of this?
MacKenzie asks Will what his problem was. "You think people noticed?" Will asks stupidly. Yes, they noticed and now they all probably think you were drunk on the air. But way to make NewsNight compelling appointment television for the first time in a year. MacKenzie holds up a handmade eye chart to make sure Will isn't blind (he passes and comments that our current healthcare system is fine. Which it totally is -- if you're a millionaire with employee health insurance -- and Will says he's just really tired, due his current bout with insomnia. He had that like two episodes ago, didn't he? And two episodes ago was six months ago, so ... that's been going on for a while. "You need to sleep," MacKenzie says, like Will doesn't know that. Will says he's taking care of it with a trip to his psychiatrist. MacKenzie is pleased to hear that he's seeing the same guy he was seeing when they were together, but Will reveals that he hasn't actually seen Dr. Habib in four years, although for some reason he's still paying him as if he's a once a week patient. He's probably not paying him full price though, thanks to our wonderful healthcare system!
A black Escalade drops Will off at the psychiatrist's office. Will apparently has his own driver and... it's Terry Crews! And he's going to accompany Will into the psychiatrist's waiting room for an awkward conversation that also informs us why Will didn't just see his regular doctor about this: because Will's regular doctor asks too many questions and takes too long. Unlike psychiatrists, who never ask about anything and wouldn't be at all curious about the fact that you've been paying them for the last four years for no reason.
With that, David Krumholtz introduces himself as Jack Habib, Will's psychiatrist's son. And Will's current psychiatrist since Dr. Habib Sr. actually died two years ago. Jack is 29 years old (except that David Krumholtz is older than that and looks it, so why not make him 35 years old? Does every single character on this show have to be some kind of prodigy? Even Will, who finished college when he was 19 or whatever). Terry Crews snickers. Will makes sure that Jack can write prescriptions and follows him in the office.
Jack explains his relative youth as "I did everything early" and he's heard all the Doogie Howser jokes. He asks Will why he finally decided to stop by. Will says he wants something to help him sleep. "Why?" Jack asks. "I can't sleep," Will says. "Why?" Jack asks. "I don't know," Will says. Jack asks if he's changed his diet recently. Will says he hasn't changed it ever, except for the awesome new sandwich he eats every night: scrambled eggs, bacon and cheese on toast. "You invented an Egg McMuffin," Jack says. Um, no, it's not an Egg McMuffin. And Egg McMuffin is on an English Muffin. Everyone who wasn't a child prodigy knows that.
Will just wants his sleeping pill, but Jack insists that they talk first. I don't know why Will thought this was going to work out any better than seeing his physician. Last time Will saw Jack's dad, he was on Effexor, Klonopin and Ativan. Now, he doesn't take anything. "I was cured," he says. Jack says he is, except for the inability to sleep, and asks if Will has had any extra stress at work lately. Will says no. Jack's question is "What are you fucking around with me for?" Jack reads the news, so he knows that someone threatened to kill Will. Wow, that made the news? I'll bet it was those sharp eyes at TMI who reported it! Will claims it's not serious, but Jack points out that it was apparently serious enough to have to hire Terry Crews as his bodyguard. Will blames ACN's insurance company for this. Jack finally gets Will to explain what happened: "I changed the rules of the comments section of our website. That's all." Oh, please let this be Sorkin's latest statement on how the Internet is full of crazy people. Nothing would bring me more joy.
Some time ago -- maybe days, maybe weeks, maybe years -- Will ended the show with a new feature: viewer comments from the website. Because everyone on the Internet is horrible, Will has to read comments from people like "LollypopLollypop," who says "30 more seconds and you would have had that self-loathing hypocrite in tears." Will informs LollypopLollypop that that was not his intention. We will find out who the self-loathing hypocrite is later in the show, so just go with it, crazy Internet people. SurrendrDorothee says: "Your Log Cabin closet case hit the Uncle Tom Daily Double -- a traitor to his race and a traitor to his sexual orientation." "Don't blow a gasket," MacKenzie warns from the control room. Will says that the closet case is actually openly gay and "showed a lot of courage" by appearing on NewsNight -- certainly more than an anonymous website commenter has.
As soon as the show's over, Will looks for Neal who is in charge of all things Internet, because that's how it works. Neal says the comments were "the best two" they had. MacKenzie runs in and says they have to "talk about what just happened." I'm sorry, did I miss something? What did just happen? Will read two comments and disagreed with them... so? MacKenzie says they have to read viewer comments on the air as per some agreement they made with Reese. "The page views offset the ratings drop," she says. Yes, and just look at what quality people are visiting NewsNight's website. Is that the fault of the Internet or is it the fault of NewsNight for being so unwatchable that only crazy people would bother to try?
Will asks if Neal knows if LollyPopLollyPop is 10 years old or a Basset Hound. This distracts MacKenzie, who decides to inform everyone about why Basset Hounds have long ears. They use them for hunting. She probably read that on the evil Internet website, Wikipedia. Neal says there is no way to know if LollyPopLollyPop is 10 or a dog. That's not true. I think we can pretty safely assume that LollyPopLollyPop is not a dog. Will thinks that the only people who bother to post comments on websites are people who are angry. Neal says the statistics support this. I disagree. I think only people who bother to post on NewsNight's website are angry, because this show must be maddening to watch. Finally, Will protests that he has to say things like "LollyPopLollyPop" and Walter Cronkite didn't. Well, Walter Cronkite also had fans. Will demands that the comment system be revamped so that whoever comments has to reveal his name, age, occupation and level of education. Because education automatically means intelligence and the right to speak to a member of the media elite like Will. "Anonymity is cowardice. You're lobbing smack from the cheap seats," Will says. Yes, as opposed to the expensive seats of people who pay 45 cents for a stamp to mail their comments along with copies of their driver's license or other government-issued photo ID?
MacKenzie asks how they can implement the kind of comments system Will wants. He turns to Neal, who is now a blogger and a web engineer and who says they would just have to implement a "third party verification service." MacKenzie is annoyed with Neal for telling the truth when he could have just claimed that there was no way to do that. But lying is WRONG, MacKenzie. Unless Will tells you to do it (spoiler alert!). Neal says they could put in the same system that the IRS uses when people file their taxes online. Yes, because commenting on Will's crap show is just as important as filing your taxes. "Talk to me, Tonto," Will says. Or maybe he's just reading off the name of another commenter. Neal says he can put in the third party verification system if Will wants, because it's that easy to change the website of a cable channel's code. Will says that this is a great idea because it will "ghettoize every other website," thus bringing "civility" to the "public square." I believe that was the Nazis' logic for putting Jews in ghettos, so this totally applies. "I'M GOING TO SINGLE-HANDEDLY FIX THE INTERNET!" Will proclaims. Totally. No one has ever scammed the IRS e-file system before. MacKenzie insists that they "talk about what just happened," whatever that was. Will says they will not.
The day after "the mosque interview," Will tells Jack, the death threat came in. We cut to Will interviewing a woman who opposes the "mosque" being built near Ground Zero and I have no idea why these people go on Will's show anymore. Surely they know what he's going to do to them. The woman says this is a reflection of "creeping Islam" all over America, and surely the Muslims want to impose Sharia law all over the place. Will yells at the woman for this, saying it would basically be impossible for Muslims to create new religious laws in this country even if they actually wanted to. He then asks about "creeping Christianity," which the woman obviously supports. Will informs her of some things that have happened in the United States in the name of her awesome Christianity: the KKK, Neo-Nazis, abortion clinic bombers, the CSA, the Oklahoma City bombing, the attempted assassination of President Reagan and the successful ones of Lincoln, Kennedy, John Lennon and Martin Luther King, Jr. Um... I'm sorry, but that's not really accurate. JFK was assassinated by a man who wanted to defect to the USSR, which persecuted Christians. Reagan was shot by a man who was trying to impress Jodie Foster, not Jesus. That isn't to say that this country doesn't have a history of doing terrible things in the name of Christianity -- just that the examples Will used are not the best. "We weren't attacked by Muslims. We were attacked by sociopaths," Will says. He doesn't think criminally insane people should get community centers. He's fine if Muslims do.
Dr. Dr. Sloan explains Japanese culture to Will, MacKenzie and Don, saying it's possible that the Japanese are downplaying the danger of the recently-tsunami'd nuclear plant so they won't be embarrassed. I'm confused; have we skipped over the tsunami? Surely Maggie has a friend whose cousin is a wave who could give NewsNight the big scoop on this! What a missed opportunity! The meeting is interrupted by Jim, who says Will "needs" to see a comment on the website. "It's serious," Jim says, looking serious.
The comment is sort of a death threat with some racial slurs and Will's address and apartment number. The commenter is a professor at Ohio State University. Hooray for third party verification! Oh, no, wait -- someone scammed the new system just a few days after it was implemented. MacKenzie immediately tells on Will to Charlie.
Now we're in Charlie's office so Neal can explain to him that they set up the new comment system to make it really difficult to steal someone else's password. So whoever did this must have really wanted to threaten Will's life. Or it's the professor from OSU. No one is even entertaining the possibility that some professor at OSU went insane and started sending death threats to news anchors, and that is a gross oversight. This is why our nation's professors feel like they can act without impunity. MacKenzie demands a bodyguard for Will, who protests. Charlie says it's up to the insurance company and he's pretty sure it'll want a bodyguard. More important to Charlie is the latest tabloid story about Will. Are we still on this tabloid thing? Does anyone care anymore? Surely TMI's readers don't. This time, it's about a complaint Maggie filed against Will for creating a "hostile work environment." "Maggie wouldn't complain if her hair was on fire," MacKenzie says. That's only because she's too dumb and self-absorbed to notice. Neal says the complaint was filed before MacKenzie started at ACN and that it was filed by someone else on Maggie's behalf. Right. Because Maggie doesn't know how to file a complaint. Charlie opens the door so Neal can leave the room, his usefulness at an end. Charlie orders MacKenzie to order someone else to "fully investigate" Will so they can hopefully anticipate the tabloid story before it happens. Yes, they'll really need to dig deep to uncover HR complaints that everyone who worked for Will when they were lodged already knew about.
Meanwhile, the employees who actually try to do stuff are on a conference call with the media spokesman for TEPCO, which runs the failing Fukushima power plant. He doesn't speak English, but Dr. Dr. Sloan is fluent in Japanese, so she translates for everyone. She also takes this opportunity to catch up with the spokesman, who is, of course, an old friend. That's how we get news stories. I'm only able to recap this show because my cousin owns a TV store and my best friend's dad works at HBO. Also, if you think it's weird that TEPCO's spokesman doesn't speak English, Martin asked the same question. "I don't know," Dr. Dr. Sloan says and all is forgotten. MacKenzie walks in and calls Maggie and Jim out of the room to leave the actual newspeople to do real work. Maggie and Jim, on the other hand, have been placed on a "rotten assignment." "You have gum in your hair again?" Jim asks. "No! Yes, but I got it out," MacKenzie says. Emily Mortimer is never going to be as funny as Tina Fey, so please, writers -- let her stop having to try.
Jim and Maggie have to do "opposition research" on Will because of Maggie's HR complaint. Jim says okay. Maggie has no idea what's going on, as usual. Jim asks her about the HR complaint, and Maggie reveals Will yelled at her for mixing up the state of Georgia with the country of Georgia. "You thought the Russians invaded Atlanta?" Jim asks. I hope his stupid crush on her can end now that his has definitive proof that Maggie is a moron. Also, this happened during that invasion, which was in 2008 (during the Olympics, I believe?) but Maggie told Jim it happened a year ago, which would have been 2010. So we messed up history for the sole purpose of making Maggie look even stupider than usual.
Oh, and it's all irrelevant anyway, because it turns out that Will wasn't actually mad about his assistant's poor knowledge of geography, but because she sent flowers on his behalf to a board member whose wife had died. She wrote on the card: "I'm so sorry about your loss. LOL." "I thought it meant 'lots of love,'" Maggie explains. No. No. This show takes place in 2011, not 1911. There is no reason why Maggie -- who is 26 years old and thus has lived the majority of her life in a time when LOL was pretty commonplace -- wouldn't know that. My freaking grandmother knows what LOL means. I have child cousins who live in other countries and speak different languages who know what LOL means. "How are you still working here?" Jim asks quietly. Seriously, how is she able to work anywhere? She is not a functional human being. Even MacKenzie, who can't chew gum without getting it stuck in her hair, is better at this than she is. Maggie responds by doing this loud song and dance about how good she is at dodging bullets that I guess we're supposed to find redeeming and entertaining.
Meanwhile, in the room with all the characters who don't totally suck, Dr. Dr. Sloan continues to speak Japanese and be awesome. The spokesman tells her (I guess -- I don't know Japanese because I am not as cool as Dr. Dr. Sloan) that the reactor is at level five but they think they'll be able to get it back online. Dr. Dr. Sloan then asks everyone to leave the room so she can talk to the spokesman alone. Uh... but none of them speak Japanese, so Dr. Dr. Sloan basically is alone with the spokesman already. Anyway, now when Dr. Dr. Sloan talks to the guy, we get subtitles. She asks him if he's absolutely sure that the reactor is at level five and not in much worse condition than they want to tell everyone. The guy hesitates. Dr. Dr. Sloan reminds him that they've "known each other a long time."
Don walks in, looking for Dr. Dr. Sloan. He screams her name. "She's on the phone!" Kendra yells at him. Right as she says this, Dr. Dr. Sloan runs out of the room. "All right, she's off the phone," Kendra shrugs. I don't know why, but I really enjoyed that bit from Kendra. Dr. Dr. Sloan gives Gary Cooper her notes, telling him the reactor is going to go to level seven. "Holy shit!" Gary Cooper says. Don doesn't care about nuclear reactors, so he grabs Dr. Dr. Sloan away and asks her to fill in for Elliot on tonight's show. Elliot has a five-year-old daughter and she's having her tonsils taken out, so Elliot is spending the night in the hospital with her. That makes no sense. I had my tonsils out a few years ago and it was an outpatient procedure. Like, super-outpatient. They wanted me to leave that recovery room as soon as I woke up. But I didn't! I took a nice, long nap instead because they made me get up at like five in the morning to have the surgery in the first place and I was tired. But I didn't stay overnight.
Dr. Dr. Sloan asks if the surgery was an emergency. Yes, it was one of those emergency tonsillectomies. Don says the surgery and Elliot's absence were scheduled in advance, but Don "forgot" to find someone to fill in for him until the last minute. "You're my first and only choice," Don tells Dr. Dr. Sloan, except that's obviously not true since she offers up several other suggestions and he has reasons why none of them can fill in because he already asked them to. "You are my fourth and only choice," Don says. Dr. Dr. Sloan says she only knows how to do financial news. "You're expanding," Don says. "Oh, come on! I only gained four freaking pounds!" Dr. Dr. Sloan says, because women are obsessed with their figures! Even Dr. Dr. Sloan is not immune. Don is able to convince her to anchor the night by telling her that her wardrobe will be "a whole rack of choices" from Gucci. Ladies!
Terry Crews is waiting for Will when he arrives. "I'm gonna hate this," Will says. Terry Crews does not care. He played college football but was cut from the NFL, then served in the army and now he does the security thing. Will tells him not to bring a gun into the office; like, what good is a bodyguard if he's not armed and the person trying to kill you is? Terry Crews says that Will doesn't get to boss him around. He will pick Will up in the morning, drive him to work, hang out at the office all day and then bring him home. And leave him there, unguarded? Because the commenter basically said that's where he was going to kill Will. At his home. Yet somehow, Terry Crews thinks Will's home and office are "secure" locations. Yeah, that office is real secure, what with them letting Roommate Lisa wander in whenever. Will is a dead man.
Dr. Dr. Sloan walks in and takes a second to poke Terry Crews's pecs and then giggle awkwardly about how hard they are. Seriously, Dr. Dr. Sloan? You're 34 and you haven't felt pecs before? And you're still that goofily impressed by them? If she hadn't been so kickass with the Japanese earlier, I would kind of hate Dr. Dr. Sloan after the last five minutes. Terry Crews leaves and Dr. Dr. Sloan shoots Will in the face. Just kidding! But she totally should have, just to prove what a bad bodyguard he is. Will says he was the one who suggested that Dr. Dr. Sloan fill in for Elliot. Dr. Dr. Sloan thinks that's a vote of confidence from Will, but he says he has no idea if she'll be able to do it or not.
While Will is clearly distracted and kind of annoyed about something else, Dr. Dr. Sloan asks him for advice on how she can get her guest tonight, the TEPCO spokesman, to tell her on the record what he just told her off of it. "Just don't stop until he tells the truth," Will says. He says she's "brilliant" on her four o'clock show except when she lets guests say things that she knows aren't true. "Ask the damn follow-up," Will gently suggests; "you can't just sit there and be a facilitator for whatever bullshit the guest want to feed your viewers." To allow someone to lie on the air, Will says, makes you the guy who drives the drug dealer around in his car. Does Will have a drug problem? Because all of his analogies have to do with drugs and dealing them. "Show me something," he orders. Dr. Dr. Sloan puts on her Serious Frown. "Got it," she says.
Back in the psychiatrist's office, Will says he was in a bad mood and probably over-motivated Dr. Dr. Sloan. Jack asks if he scared her. Will says he "hates" that people are scared of him. Jack says some people like it when people are scared of them and "most people don't care." Most people don't care if people are afraid of them? I don't think that's true, but okay. Will says Dr. Dr. Sloan must have been scared because of what she did .
First of all, it turns out that Elliot's show is called Right Now and it has the lamest, most public-access-looking title screen ever. Dr. Dr. Sloan talks to her TEPCO friend, who has an interpreter to him. "All six reactors are in stable condition," she says. Don tells Dr. Dr. Sloan they can move on now, but Dr. Dr. Sloan is wearing Gucci and is motivated-scared, so she presses TEPCO to admit that the reactors are not stable and also yells at the translator for not accurately translating her questions for TEPCO. "We know of no core damage in any of the reactors," the translator says. The translator doesn't seem to understand that Dr. Dr. Sloan is fluent in Japanese and so knows that she's sort of lying to her. Dr. Dr. Sloan calls her out. "Please translate exactly what I'm asking and exactly what Mr. Tanaka's answering, including what I'm saying now because I want him to be aware that he's being misrepresented," Dr. Dr. Sloan says. So now she's in a fight with the translator. Don gets on the headset and asks Dr. Dr. Sloan not to "go rogue." I don't know what he's worried about. This is probably the most exciting show ACN has ever had.
TEPCO guy insists that the radiation is holding steady at level five "and that's where it should remain," translator says. "Ma'am, he didn't say 'and that's where it should remain. You did,'" Dr. Dr. Sloan says. I don't know why this translator is so bad at her job. She's like the Maggie of Japanese translators. Dr. Dr. Sloan is tired of her and decides to talk to Tanaka directly. Don doesn't know what to do now that his broadcast is no longer in English. Again, not sure why he's so upset. If I was watching the news and the anchor just busted out in Japanese and started yelling at everyone, I would call that a triumph of the medium. Don yells at Dr. Dr. Sloan until she removes the earpiece. Don screams. Dr. Dr. Sloan goes back to English. The translator says, again, that they don't think the radiation level will rise past five. "Well, that's simply not what Mr. Tanaka told me on the phone earlier today," Dr. Dr. Sloan says. OOPS. That was supposed to be off the record. "Go back to Japanese!" Don begs. Dr. Dr Sloan says if Tanaka won't admit that he told her the level could go up to seven then she will. And did. And continues to do. "Level seven," she says; "is the different between life and gruesome death. We'll be back after this with Sarah Bernhardt." "SANDRA!" Don screams. Between the LOL and this, I'm starting to think Sorkin must have written this script in the early 90s. Why else would any show have Sandra Bernhardt on?
Dr. Dr. Sloan walks into the bullpen looking stunned at what just happened. Don is waiting for her. "Okay... " Dr. Dr. Sloan says shakily. "Sup?" Don asks. Dr. Dr. Sloan tries to explain, but Don tells her to wait 10 seconds.
Ten seconds later, Charlie screams his way into the room. "WHAT IN THE NAME OF HOLY FUCK WERE YOU THINKING ABOUT?!?!?!" he politely inquires. He calls Dr. Dr. Sloan's anchoring calamitous; like, no, Charlie. The tsunami is a calamity. Charlie shakes and screams as he asks if Dr. Dr. Sloan seriously just made up statements about a deadly radiation leak. Dr. Dr. Sloan says she didn't make them up -- Tanaka told her the reactor would be a Level Seven. But no, he never said it while he was on the air and that's all Charlie cares about. He doesn't "give a shit" about anything else. Um... the Japanese people who live near Fukushima might. Dr. Dr. Sloan was wrong to burn her source... but she also might have saved people's lives by doing it. Dr. Dr. Sloan admits that Tanaka said the reactors were only at five when he was on the air. But she thinks she made it clear when she was on the air that the level seven thing was said before they went on the air. Don points out that Dr. Dr. Sloan was the only person in the room when Tanaka said it. And if she wasn't, it wouldn't have really mattered since no one else knows Japanese anyway. Dr. Dr. Sloan lets it slip that her conversation with Tanaka was supposed to be off the record. Charlie says no one will ever trust her with off-the-record information again and "you have no value to me as a reporter now." Don protests. Charlie ignores him and suspends Dr. Dr. Sloan while he brings in investigators to make sure that Dr. Dr. Sloan didn't make anything else up.
Dr. Dr. Sloan loudly protests that she didn't make anything up. Charlie says that doesn't matter now -- people will think that she did. At least she gets suspended with pay. Dr. Dr. Sloan gets mad and then they're both screaming at each other. "I DON'T WANT THE GODDAMN PAY!" Dr. Dr. Sloan says. "DON'T FRONT OFF WITH ME, GIRL!" Charlie says. "DON'T CALL ME GIRL, SIR!" Dr. Dr. Sloan says. Finally, someone registers annoyance with the misogyny on this show! I still can't believe it's the woman who was hired for NewsNight because of her legs. "EVERYBODY CALM THE FUCK DOWN!" Don requests. Charlie pulls himself together and tries to leave the room with some dignity, but can't help but inform everyone that Sarah Bernhardt and Sandra Bernhardt are not the same person. Dr. Dr. Sloan looks like she's going to cry. Don lifts her chin up and pats her on the shoulder.
Will the Narcissist tells Jack that Dr. Dr. Sloan did that because of what he told her. Jack says Will seems "protective" of Dr. Dr. Sloan (huh?) and Will says she's "like a little sister" to him (HUH?). Jack then asks the natural question: "Your father was an abusive alcoholic?" Will seems confused as to how Jack could have figured that out. It's called your file, Will. Sometimes people write things in it, and then other people read those things. Jack presses and Will says that yes, his father was an alcoholic who beat his wife and children until Will got big enough to fight back. When he was in fifth grade. Damn, good for him. I was like two feet tall when I was in fifth grade, but Will was big enough to smash his dad's face with a bottle of Dewar's! Will doesn't understand why Jack is asking him these questions and not giving him his sleeping pills. Dude, just go to Walgreens and buy those over-the-counter pills. They work fine, and the Walgreens cashier doesn't care about your childhood.
Jack says he'll give Will a sleeping pill, but suggests waiting until the session is over. Will doesn't want to, but Jack thinks he's full of it because he could have just gone to his normal doctor for sleeping pills but he chose to come here. Will insists that he didn't come to his psychiatrist for any kind of psychiatry.
MacKenzie checks on Jim, Maggie, and now Kendra and Neal's research into Will's background. So far, they've discovered that Maggie tried to blow up her parents' house. Maggie says Jim isn't telling the whole story. It turns out that the whole story makes Maggie look even worse, as she was shooting guns (the hell?) with her cousins and thought the propane tanks in front of the "diesel fuel combine" (where the hell is Maggie's parents' house? Actually, knowing Maggie, her parents are probably weirdo morons like her and just randomly have dangerous farm equipment stacked in front of the door for no reason). MacKenzie asks the children to focus on Will, not Maggie. So far, all they've been able to figure out is that Will had LASIK surgery, TB, a guest stint as a guitarist on a country album ("he's an accomplished guitarist who occasionally jams with Leonard Cohen," MacKenzie explains. Gosh, isn't Will just the best?), and C- in a sociology class he didn't even register for. Also, he never finished the New York marathon because he was running it with MacKenzie and she managed to sprain her ankle on the starting line. IDIOT.
Maggie comes up with a donation to a Republican candidate. MacKenzie says that's not news -- everyone knows Will is Republican. "WHAT?" Kendra asks. Get with the program, Kendra! Will has mentioned his Republicanism like 18 times by now. I guess it's hard to tell when all he does is attack Republicans on his show. They knew Will was a speechwriter for George H. W. Bush but figured he was doing that "as a public service" or perhaps "to mess with him." Jim laughs at Maggie for saying something stupid again, and Maggie gets her "revenge" by informing everyone that Jim was kicked out of his study abroad program because he went to the Arctic circle to see penguins (which are on the other side of the earth) and flirted with an Inuit. "I was just trying to get past the disappointment of the penguins," Jim says. Maggie and Neal giggle as if this were funny. What the hell study abroad program takes place that close to the Arctic circle, anyway?
Jim finally reveals that in 2006, Fox tried to lure Will to Los Angeles to host a late-night show with a pile of money. MacKenzie didn't know about that, and now she has her stupid crying face on.
Also, Don walks in the newsroom and sees Jim and Maggie getting along well. Only took a year to figure that one out, Don.
MacKenzie barges into Will's office, but is not stopped by Terry Crews. Will tells Terry Crews to be better at his job and "attack" MacKenzie. "My life is in constant danger when she's around," Will says. Only if you're a whiteboard or a BlackBerry, Will. Terry Crew leaves the room. MacKenzie asks Will about that Fox show, which was offered while they were dating. Since Will seriously considered it, he must not have been all that serious about MacKenzie after all. So what? He still didn't cheat on her. "You never had any intention of marrying me!" MacKenzie says; "you were just gonna go to LA." Will takes a ring box out of his desk drawer while MacKenzie goes on and on about nothing. He opens it and shows her a huge diamond ring. I don't know how much he paid for it, but it was worth it to get her to shut up. Will says he never told MacKenzie about the Fox deal because he knew Fox didn't want to hire him; they were just using him as leverage to make a deal with someone they really wanted. Or something. Hollywood is so cruel! "That ring was meant for me?" MacKenzie whisper-sobs. Duh, MacKenzie. "But I've lived a life that's good and pure," no one would ever say but MacKenzie says now because Sorkin is not as good at dialogue as he thinks. Will points out that there was one thing she did that wasn't good or pure, then makes her say what that was: cheating on him. MacKenzie just got shut down, so she leaves the room by saying that Will should definitely use that ring again for his proposal. Yeah, because it worked out so well the first time.
Just in case you thought Will had kept the ring in his desk drawer for the past four years, he reveals to Jack that he had his agent go out and buy it for him as soon as he found out that his staff was looking into his past. He knew they'd find out about the Fox thing and tell MacKenzie, so he had the ring waiting for her when she inevitably stormed in to confront him about it to make her feel extra bad. "Does that seem normal to you?" Jack asks. Will doesn't think it's so bad. Jack says MacKenzie's affair was four years ago -- a.k.a. get the hell over it, asshole. "Fuck you. You don't know what it's like in my head," Will says. Neither do I, because Will and the rest of the characters on this show haven't been written like real people.
Dr. Dr. Sloan doesn't even care anymore. She's wearing a baseball cap of not giving a shit and packing up her office, as I guess she's decided it's better to resign than let Charlie suspend her. What kind of tool puts her diplomas on her office wall? That's only appropriate if you're a doctor or a lawyer. Dr. Dr. Sloan is summoned to Maggie's desk to watch a Japanese news broadcast. I don't know what the anchor is saying but I am certain that this broadcast is ten times better than anything ACN can produce. Even though the show puts a picture of Elliot up when the anchorwoman talks about Dr. Dr. Sloan. Anyway, the gist of the broadcast is that Tanaka resigned. Dr. Dr. Sloan sighs sadly. Oh, whatever. Is she surprised that her actions have consequences? Or maybe Tanaka shouldn't be the spokesman for TEPCO if he can't keep his mouth shut around journalists.
Dr. Dr. Sloan turns to Will and begs him to tell her how she can fix this. "Help me. I need wisdom," she says. Um, last time you needed wisdom, Will single-handedly convinced you to ruin Tanaka's life and possibly your career. "I have wisdom," MacKenzie says. HA HA HA! Dr. Dr. Sloan is all "uh... no." Except that she said it with this ridiculous line: "I love you, but a Japanese man's honor is at stake and sometimes your wisdom leads to" and then Dr. Dr. Sloan makes a motion that I believe is a nuclear bomb exploding, which is kind of insensitive given the situation in Japan. It is, however, accurate. MacKenzie is terrible at everything and should not be trusted. But Will isn't much better.
Will tells Jack how awesome Dr. Dr. Sloan is that all she can think of is Tanaka's honor when she has her own problems. Yeah, she's so selfless. "Meanwhile, she's a punchline on the Internet," Will snarls. OH GOD NO NOT THE INTERNET. "He's got students too," Will says. He meant "she" (remember, Dr. Dr. Sloan teaches at Columbia somehow) but said "he." Jack thinks this could be important. Will thinks it's just a symptom of not sleeping very much. Anyway, this gets us back to the evil Internet and its anonymous commenters, and how Will's new system was really great at filtering out the anonymous comments except for that one death threat. "No more LollyPopLollyPop," Will says. Jack asks what LollyPopLollyPop and SurrendrDorothee were commenting about in the first place.
Let's flashback again! Will prepares to welcome Sutton Wall to his show. Wall is the deputy chief of staff for Rick Santorum, who just announced that he's going to run for president. Wall is black and gay, so not the first guy you'd expect to have anything to do with Santorum. Wall teaches at Temple, which means that he, like Dr. Dr. Sloan, has students. And Will almost made him cry on the air. Let's watch!
Will reads a quote from Santorum about how gay marriage is a threat to straight marriage and asks Wall what's up with that. Wall tries to explain, but his words are too "vague" for Will, so he interrupts him and orders him to answer his questions. Wall says he was proud to work for Santorum, but does not necessarily agree with him about everything. Will can't let it go, so he asks Wall if Santorum's marriage has had problems since he lives in Washington D.C. where gay marriage is legal. "Of course not," Wall says; "this is a preposterous line of questioning." Which it is. Wall already said that he doesn't agree with Santorum's views on gay marriage. He's not responsible for explaining them all to Will.
Will asks Wall if it bothers him that Santorum clearly thinks Wall is a terrible person because he's gay. Not to defend Santorum here, because ew, but if he did employ an openly gay man (which he did -- Robert Traynham) then I guess he doesn't think that particular person is that terrible. Hmm. I think this show just caused me to say semi-nice things about Rick Santorum. That's not good. Will says that Santorum clearly thinks that Wall is a "sick deviant who's threatening the fabric of society." Wow, Will sure came up with that "sick deviant" line pretty fast.
Will cuts to a clip of Santorum being Santorum and saying that black people can't help being black, but gay people can change. Let's cut to Kendra, too, because she is also black and so this will have a particular impact on her. Wall says that Santorum is a "great man" who would make a "great president" and has always treated Wall with "the utmost respect." "Except for finding you disgusting," Will says. MacKenzie warns Will to back off. He doesn't. Wall says Santorum is okay with him because he's one of those Christians who claims to love gay people, but hate what they do. "He also thinks you're less than a man," Will adds. He's not quoting Santorum here, so... I'm starting to wonder if Will's the one who has all these thoughts about gay people. I mean, even Maggie seems to understand that what Will is doing isn't cool.
Will asks Wall why he would work for a man who believes that he's "damaged," "inferior," "ill," "unnatural," "a threat to children," "unfit to serve in the military," "unfit to be a parent," and "unloved by God." At this point, Wall tells Will to stop talking. He's on Santorum's side because Santorum is pro-life and so is Wall, and Wall thinks that's more important than gay rights. Will speaks up, but Wall isn't finished. "YOU WILL NOT INTERRUPT ME AGAIN, SIR!" he screams, becoming one of my favorite characters on this show. I don't know why everyone who appears on Will's show doesn't just do this. Or why anyone would appear on the show in the first place.
"I am more than one thing. How dare you reduce me to the color of my skin or my sexual orientation," Wall continues; "How dare you presume to decide what I should think is important." Oh, Will. You just got TOLD. And there's more! Wall says that Santorum is wrong about gay marriage, but Will is worse for thinking that Wall needs Will's protection. Will tries to interrupt again. "SHUT UP! I'LL LET YOU KNOW WHEN I'M FINISHED!" Wall says. Wow, this is the best show NewsNight has done since that one with the Oklahoma beauty pageant contestant and the two weirdoes. "I am not defined by my blackness. I am not defined by my gayness. And if that doesn't fit your narrow-minded expectation of who I'm supposed to be, I don't give a damn. Because I'm not defined by you either. So get this through your head: I don't need your help." Even though he said he'd tell Will when he was finished, Will speaks up anyway. Not to apologize, which he really should, but to ask Wall if Santorum thinks he's fit to be a teacher. "No," Wall says. Will goes to a commercial.
Back in Jack's office, Will reveals that he does feel bad about how he treated Wall. "I was the bully," he says. It's so meaningful that he has to say it twice! Apparently, that caused the internet to "explode" with comments about how Will was "unhinged," which reminded him of one of the other, many, times when he was a bully -- this time to that blonde girl at Northwestern (I can't believe an entire year of Newsroom time has gone by already!), who he "scared." So now Will realizes that he's been an asshole for at least a year. Probably more. We all knew that about two minutes into the series premiere, but better late than never, guy.
And then we repeat the scene from the beginning of the episode, which you can feel free to scroll back up and read.
Don walks into Dr. Dr. Sloan's office, which she is still trying to pack up even though hours have gone by at this point. How does she have that much stuff in there? Is she a hoarder? Don and Dr. Dr. Sloan argue over whether or not Dr. Dr. Sloan's story was right and if she should have gone on the air with off-the-record comments. Dr. Dr. Sloan thinks so. Don does not. Also, "Is Maggie into Jim?" Seriously, how the hell would Dr. Dr. Sloan know? She never interacts with Jim or Maggie because she's smart.
MacKenzie orders Terry Crews to drive Will to his psychiatrist's office. Terry Crews agrees, then propositions MacKenzie. Apparently no one can act like a professional when he's around MacKenzie. Charlie walks in and calls out to Dr. Dr. Sloan: "Hey, girl." Even Will objects to that, and he's probably more of a dick to women than Charlie is. Charlie says it's okay because he figured out a way to save Dr. Dr. Sloan's job. It turns out that the Japanese words for four and seven sound similar. "Hey, girl!" Will calls out to Dr. Dr. Sloan, who should really just quit this horrible place and work someplace where people respect her.
Charlie and Will inform Dr. Dr. Sloan that all she has to do is claim that she's not so hot at Japanese and misunderstood Tanaka, thinking he said seven when he really said four. She's going to go on Elliot's show tonight to say this, along with an apology. In return, Tanaka will say that he was speaking on the record with Dr. Dr. Sloan. Both of their jobs will be safe. All Dr. Dr. Sloan has to do is lie to the American people, which is kind of the exact opposite of everything Will's new show is supposed to stand for. By the way, TEPCO is about to announce that the reactors are indeed at level seven, so Dr. Dr. Sloan was right this entire freaking time and probably saved the lives of many a fictional Japanese person.
Of all people, it is MacKenzie who points out how ridiculous this will look when Dr. Dr. Sloan goes on the air and apologizes for not knowing the difference between four and seven and then Elliot announces that the reactors are at a level seven after all. "It won't be our proudest moment," Charlie says. Actually, from what I've seen of ACN thus far, it will be. It will save Tanaka's job and "help the girl," Charlie says. And now that he isn't mad at her anymore, he will refer to her by her real name again: "Sloan. Or Miss Sabbith." It's Dr. Sabbith, asshole. Go look at the diplomas on her wall. I guess that's why she put them there. Dr. Dr. Sloan asks Will what she should do. "You want me to lie? On television? From a news desk with the ACN bug in the corner?" Clearly, she expects his answer to be no. It's "yes." But don't worry, Dr. Dr. Sloan, because Will says he'll be standing "right to her" if there's any "fallout" from it. "We fucked up. Let's just live with that now," Will says. Yes, by fucking up again and lying to your audience. Good plan. But if she gets to wear Gucci on the air then it's all be fine.
Will feels like a little bit of a hypocrite for lying. So, he's a hypocrite, a bully, and a liar. He's a lot of things, few of them good. Also, the only reason why he couldn't sleep at night was because he was eating bacon, and that has tyramine in it, which can keep people awake. No, not even coffee could keep someone awake for days and I'd bet caffeine is more of a stimulant than this tyramine. Anyway, Will is outraged that Jack has known the reason for his sleeping problems this entire time but didn't tell him until after he figured out that he was a dick. Jack smirks and writes Will a prescription for some anti-bacon drug and urges him to come back because he has "very serious" stuff going on in his head and should talk to someone about it. Also, he's just as weirdly obsessed with MacKenzie now as he was four years ago. "You're experiencing acute depression and doing a masterful job covering it," Jack says. Um, I guess? "Buying the ring was not normal," Jack says, as we see Will ripping up the ring receipt. Now he'll never be able to return it! Wow, this guy just spends tremendous amounts of money every episode. I can't wait until Episode Eight when he goes broke. Also, I guess we're not going to get any resolution on the death threat thing. Oh well.
Will claims that his issues with MacKenzie are totally resolved and she's "a good friend" and his "most trusted partner." Jack doesn't believe him because he's obviously lying again just like he told Dr. Dr. Sloan to lie to the American people! How can he live with himself?!!?!!?!! At least now he has a prescription for a "mild" sleep aide. I'm surprised Jack didn't just tell him to watch a few episodes of this show.
To read more from Sara Morrison, you can follow her on Twitter, subscribe to her on Facebook or you can just email her at saramorrison@gmail.com.
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