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Egypt is being overthrown this week, but that's not nearly as important as the fact that it's Valentine's Day <3 <3 <3!!!! Maggie has big plans with Don and wants to make sure Roommate Lisa doesn't bug her. Instead of turning her cell phone off, she forces Jim to go on a date with Lisa, even though last week she was vehemently opposed to them being together. Then Jim is too busy being awesome at the news to go on the date and Lisa is left hanging. She deals with this by marching into ACN and yelling at him in front of everyone. For the second episode in a row, Jim is stuck apologizing to an irrational woman.
MacKenzie, too, is unlucky in love. TMI, the source for true investigative journalism (unlike NewsNight), finds out that her boyfriend Wade planning to run for Congress, and he's using his appearances on NewsNight to further that goal. It makes MacKenzie look like she's using her show to promote her boyfriend, even though she's so clueless that she had no idea he was considering a Senate run. MacKenzie is also clueless about math and the economy, because she's the best EP in the business but doesn't know what the Glass-Steagall Act is or how to do sums without using her fingers. She enlists Dr. Dr. Sloan to tutor her, only to spend most of the sessions crying about boys. It's the kind of fine moment for female newswomen everywhere that we've come to expect from this show.
Even though he's a man, Neal almost cries when the Egyptian reporter NewsNight hires – on his recommendation – to get in-depth coverage of the protests is captured by a fringe group. Neal feels very bad about this, so he punches a monitor and breaks his hand. Jim helps him get medical attention, even though Jim is also the walking wounded – he has a cut on his head from running into the glass door of the control room. Twice. Elliot gets it even worse when, at Don's urging, he leaves his Egyptian hotel room to report what's going on in the streets and is promptly beaten up. Don feels so bad about this that he runs into Reese's door and hurts his shoulder. Basically, we have three people getting hurt because they're idiots and one getting hurt because he wanted to get a story no matter the risk. And yet Elliot's the one who's not doing the kind of awesome news Will's team is.
Speaking of Will, he learns that Nina can be paid off to stop reporting on him and MacKenzie. He's just about to write her a check for $50,000 when she says that they are both journalists. Instead of $50,000, she gets another Willecture about what a terrible person she is. Will ends up spending $250,000 on ransom to free Neal's Egyptian friend from his captors. When the rest of the newsroom find out about this, they give him checks to help cover the cost in a tedious allusion to Rudy, which was painfully telegraphed near the beginning of the show, and then they all pat themselves on the back for being good people.
Want more? The full recap starts right below!It's February 10, 2011, and Elliot is taking some time off from whatever his crappy 10 o'clock show is called to report from Egypt for NewsNight as the Tahrir Square protests go on. Unfortunately, Elliot is useless, as his crew has been threatened away from filming and he is sitting in an "undisclosed location" because it's not safe to go outside. Instead, they have to watch feed from Al Jazeera from six hours ago.
The control room is in its usual chaos, since MacKenzie is there. Don is there, too, totally disgusted with Elliot for reporting from his hotel room. Elliot runs off to see what's going on outside when he hears gunshots, leaving Will talking to an empty room. Don is furious. Elliot runs back in and says there was gunfire, but he can't see what's going on. He tries to describe the scene for Will just as Maggie runs into the control room, whipping open the glass door and nailing Jim in the face. Jim holds his head and wonders why Maggie didn't see him standing there, what with the door being transparent and all. "Be quiet, there's a news story!" Maggie says bitchily. I hate her so much, you guys. She is just an awful, unredeemable character. Anyway, she thinks a bunch of teachers protesting in Wisconsin is more important than the Egyptian government being overthrown. Jim, Maggie, and Don all talk at MacKenzie at the same time. She just nods and looks like she's about to cry (as usual) before sending Jim and Maggie off with a, "Yep. Go." Some might say that this proves how good MacKenzie is under pressure and when juggling several things at once. I just think it proves that if you say, "Yep. Go," at people, things will get done and no one will ever know you weren't paying attention.
Jim and Maggie run into the edit bay. There is one editor and two packages that have to be cut together. So Jim just asks the editor if he can break union rules and edit his package while she works on Maggie's. The editor asks if he will hire another, clearly-needed editor in exchange. Jim says he can't promise anything. The editor grants his request. I'm sorry, but she is never going to get another editor if she keeps letting non-editors edit! Why would ACN spend money on another editor when the only time it seems to need him, the senior producer can just sit down and do his job instead?
The editor puts together all of two clips and hits "render." But it's taking too long or something, so Maggie has to dump the clip on a thumbdrive and run it to the control room.
Meanwhile, Elliot doesn't have anything to add to NewsNight's coverage. MacKenzie tells Don there's nothing they can do about it; she won't send an American journalist into the Egyptian protests. Maggie runs in and tosses the thumbdrive to some guy, then stands in the doorway and does her victory dance before slamming it shut right in Jim's face. These guys are professionals.
Back in the newsroom, MacKenzie calls all producers into the meeting room. She spots Dr. Dr. Sloan trying to make her escape from ACN and asks her to wait around. "Sometimes you ask me to wait and then you forget that you did and then you call me from home at 11 o'clock and say 'sorry,'" Dr. Dr. Sloan says. MacKenzie doesn't seem to believe her. Dr. Dr. Sloan says it's happened twice. MacKenzie apparently doesn't remember it because she's an idiot and insensitive to other people. Dr. Dr. Sloan is a total pushover, so she agrees to wait for MacKenzie. Wade appears, and also agrees to wait for MacKenzie. He volunteers to come on NewsNight as an "Egyptologist" despite having no knowledge of Egypt. MacKenzie sends him to the terrible karaoke bar to wait for her instead. So now she has every producer waiting for her in the meeting room, Dr. Dr. Sloan waiting for her in the newsroom, and Wade waiting for her at Hang Chew's. She'll probably just go to her own office and forget about all of them.
Will and the rest of the NewsNight team wander in to watch MacKenzie try to subtract 17 from 30. Will tells them all that MacKenzie can't do simple math without having to use her fingers. MacKenzie denies this, but then has to use her fingers like a child. Everyone laughs at her. I wouldn't laugh. I'd have some serious questions if the EP who has already shown a total inability to do her job and know what news stories the general audience actually wants to see covered then revealed that she also sucked at math. MacKenzie tries to get back at Will by informing the group that he took tap dancing lessons when he was eleven. Sorry, but tap dancing lessons at age eleven is not as embarrassing as not being able to do math at age 40. Will informs the crowd that MacKenzie thought This Old House was about the same house every week. "That was reasonable," MacKenzie says. It's really not.
MacKenzie calls the meeting to order with a, "Let's get serious," then, "Will cries when he watches the movie Rudy. He cries like an onion." So now MacKenzie doesn't know how to do math, watch PBS, or apparently anything about vegetables. Will's staff defend him, saying everyone cries at the "jersey scene" in the movie. Jim can't say if that's true or not, as he's never seen the movie. Will asks what Jim was doing instead. "My homework," Jim says. "My homework!" Maggie imitates him. Everyone stares at her. Maggie admits that she thought she wouldn't be alone in making fun of her boss. And why shouldn't she openly make fun of her boss when she is somehow un-fireable? These things are no longer her fault, but the fault of everyone around her.
Martin, Gary Cooper, and Will take turns recapping Rudy for all of us, culminating in the scene where Rudy is left off the roster of his last-ever Notre Dame game and his teammates each go to the coach's office and offer to give up his spot so Rudy can be on it. MacKenzie "jokes" that the players were all gay for Rudy. Then the conversation turns to Jim and how his forehead is bleeding. Maggie moves his hair aside to reveal a sizeable gash, then runs off to get the First Aid kit. Yeah, that's great. A First Aid kit when a trip to the ER is clearly called for.
MacKenzie has more important issues to talk about, however. Not more important than Will crying at man movies, but more important than Jim's health. She says they've been covering Egypt for 18 days now without getting a reporter on the ground. "It's too dangerous on the ground," says Jim, who probably would have fared better in the middle of Tahrir Square than he did in ACN's control room. Maggie runs back into the room with the First Aid kit, still throwing glass doors open, her lesson un-learned. MacKenzie says they'll have to hire a local. Neal knows just the person, thanks to his Internet connections. He'll have to wait, though, because Charlie knocks on the glass and calls MacKenzie and Will outside. While they wait for them to return, Maggie tries to clean Jim's wound. She assures him that she knows what she's doing because she "could've been a doctor" if she had just done to medical school. Instead, she got two accidental promotions into a job she's not qualified for and does poorly.
Will, MacKenzie, and Charlie head into Will's office, where he tells them that TMI has another story about NewsNight. This time, though, it's not about Will -- it's about MacKenzie. Turns out her boyfriend is planning to run for Congress. MacKenzie says she knew he was "thinking" about it. Charlie says he's had meetings with the DCCC. Delaware County Community College? What would they have to do with anything? Oh -- the Democratic Congressional Campaign Committee. That makes much more sense. The DCCC want Wade to run for Anthony Weiner's seat, should Weiner run for mayor of New York City or do something like, oh I don't know, tweet pictures of his junk to female followers and then have to resign. It turns out that NewsNight has had Wade on the show five times in the last six weeks, so now TMI is saying that MacKenzie is trying to get her boyfriend elected to congress. "He won't be on the show anymore," MacKenzie says, like that will fix it.
Charlie pulls out a bunch of stats that basically say that between the TMI and Page Six mentions, a lot of people are reading about how horrible, unprofessional, and possibly unethical the NewsNight team is. Will says it only "looks" like NewsNight isn't totally ethical. Charlie yells that that's all that matters, which you'd think Will would know by now. Will says MacKenzie is "annoyingly ethical." Yeah, except that she knew Wade was at least considering the run for congress and put him on the show almost once a week so he could talk about ... what, exactly? He's an attorney. No one cares what he has to say unless it's somehow related to the Tea Party, and then only Will cares.
Charlie leaves, and Will stops defending MacKenzie to ask her how she didn't know what Wade was doing. "He never told me!" MacKenzie says. Nice observation skills, journalist. "He used me," MacKenzie says. Will says that might not be true, and that Wade "seems like a good guy." Also, "nobody in his right mind would risk losing you." Yeah, why would anyone want to lose the prize that is MacKenzie, who shows her love by cheating on you with an ex-boyfriend?
Will and MacKenzie return to the meeting room. Neal tells Will about a guy he met on Twitter who goes by the name "Amen." How did he get that handle on Twitter? Must've been an early sign up. "It means 'the hidden one' in ancient Egyptian," Neal explains. Will says that's not enough for him to feel comfortable using a guy Will doesn't personally know. Neal says he knows Amen, who is "just like" Neal. How's that, Will asks. Neal says both of their fathers are mechanics and they're both the oldest son. MacKenzie starts to interrupt him, but Neal keeps going, saying that he doesn't have a college degree and Amen probably will never get one, either. And they both like the Internet.
And now it's time for Sorkin to exploit yet another tragedy for his own narrative purposes. It turns out that Neal was on one of the trains that was bombed in the 7/7 bombings in London. "What'd you see?" Will asks, because that's appropriate. Neal says he just saw smoke and people screaming, crying, and praying, and then a worker lead them to the station. He pulled out his cell phone to call his dad but there was no service, so he used it to take video, which he then sent to news stations. "He's Rudy!" Will says. "Not everything is Rudy!" MacKenzie says. Damn, Neal is trying to share this personal experience with everyone, only for Will to shit on it by comparing it to a movie about college football. Also, am I to understand that Neal got where he is (wherever he is ... I'm still not sure what "Will's official blogger" means) because he just happened to be on a train that got bombed and he took cell phone footage of it and gave it to news outlets? And that even though he was planning on being a mechanic like his father and didn't go to college, he somehow parlayed that into a job in America for the second-most popular cable news anchor? Also, why does he wear cardigans all the time? Anyway, he says Amen has the equipment and an Internet connection, unlike most of the rest of Egypt.
Don interrupts to ask Will to fill in on the 10 o'clock show. Elliot can't, because I guess he was going to broadcast from his grainy feed in his hotel room but then he decided to go out on the street to report and got beaten up. Now he has broken ribs, a broken arm, and cuts and bruises on his face. "Get him home!" Charlie orders, like no one thought of that before. Don wants to call Elliot's wife. Charlie says he will. Don insists. Charlie gets mad. Will tells Charlie to let Don call the wife. "Right away, you say he's fine and he's on his way home," Charlie orders. He also suggests that Don not tell the wife that Elliot got hit with a rock. Don leaves. "What the hell was Elliot thinking?" Charlie wonders. "Get the story," Will says. Meanwhile, I don't see Will in Egypt. Clearly, Elliot is the superior reporter here.
MacKenzie doesn't seem at all upset about Elliot when she meets up with the patient Dr. Dr. Sloan. "What are you still doing here?" MacKenzie asks. Dr. Dr. Sloan only has herself to blame for this. MacKenzie remembers that she was the one who asked to meet with Dr. Dr. Sloan as they head into her office. MacKenzie says she's supposed to appear on a panel at the Paley Center about whether or not TV news can cover the economy. It turns out that NewsNight probably can't, since MacKenzie doesn't know anything about economics at all. She never studied it in school or bothered to read about it or report on it. Dr. Dr. Sloan is confused; MacKenzie has been producing five minutes of economic news every night on Will's show. "I just set aside a five-minute block and let you and Will go at it!" MacKenzie says with a wave of her hand. "I pretend to read what you give me and then I nod," she says; "I do not understand a word you're saying." Best EP in the business, guys.
When Dr. Dr. Sloan dares to look disapproving at MacKenzie's complete inability to be a functional adult, let alone EP of a nightly news show, MacKenzie manages to make it even worse with a, "Can we save the scolding, Thomas Friedman?" "Do you mean Paul Krugman?" Dr. Dr. Sloan asks. "Which one's the economist?" MacKenzie asks. "Paul Krugman," Dr. Dr. Sloan says. "Then that's who I meant," MacKenzie says. I'm sorry, but no. You cannot be an EP of a news show and not know who Thomas Friedman is. He's won three Pulitzers. He's a columnist, not an economist. The only thing he has in common with Krugman is that they're both 59 and they've written for The New York Times. Dr. Dr. Sloan just shakes her head and looks so sad. Dr. Dr. Sloan, just quit and go work someplace where people are not all idiots. Instead, she's going to tutor MacKenzie on economics so she won't completely embarrass herself on the panel that she knew she was going to be on months ago and did nothing to prepare for until just now. "How long did it take you to know what you know?" she asks, apparently thinking one can become a double-Ph.D. in economics in a few weeks. Dr. Dr. Sloan says it's more like about 15 years. The panel is on Tuesday. "Okay," Dr. Dr. Sloan says, even sadder than before as the reality of her situation becomes apparent. She offers to give MacKenzie three good things to write on her hand. "I want to know this!" MacKenzie says. Well, not really, since she's never bothered to know it before. "I think that a lot of what's going on in the world has to do with the economy," she says. "..." Dr. Dr. Sloan stares, then; "You may be onto something." MacKenzie just needs to stop talking. Every time I think she can't be any stupider, she is. Then again, she does have over 15 years of experience in knowing nothing.
Dr. Dr. Sloan escapes MacKenzie's office before she loses any more IQ points. MacKenzie finds a printout of TMI's webpage and the story about her, her boyfriend, and Will. Um, they're spelling her name with a lowercase "K." But this stupid show's credits insist that it's a capital "K." I'd rather it were the former because it would be slightly easier to type. Also, way to use three photos that were clearly taken from screencaps. They couldn't find a picture of Wade when he wasn't standing in front of a TV in what is obviously ACN's control room? And Will is in his office in his picture! They aren't even trying. Wade calls MacKenzie. She doesn't answer. I'm not sure if that's intentional or because she doesn't know how phones work again.
Hey, look! It's ACN Morning, the show for early risers who want to be in the know. Already, it's better and more informative than NewsNight as the anchors mention that it's cold outside. That's news you can use! In addition, the anchors have Bieber fever. Then it's time for the "What Caught My Eye" segment, and guess what caught the male anchor's eye? Yes, it's the TMI story about MacKenzie! The female anchor doesn't really want to talk about this, saying they don't know the facts. Charlie managed to get into work early despite his usual hangover and calls in to the control room. The male anchor starts talking about how MacKenzie and Will used to date and how he found that out when she emailed everyone about it. Honestly, the story here should be "NewsNight EP So Dumb," sub-head: "Can't do math, use email, or ID prominent New York Times columnists."
The female anchor is all, "Let's move on!" But the male anchor ignores her. Charlie asks the control room to put him in the male anchor's earpiece, at which point he tells him if he doesn't go to a commercial break in ten seconds, he will be fired. The anchor immediately and clumsily goes to a break. MacKenzie shows up in Will's office looking like she's about to cry, as usual. Will thinks they should be more upset that the female anchor admitted to having Bieber fever. That doesn't seem to make MacKenzie feel any better.
Maggie drops a bunch of presents on Jim's desk and wishes him a happy Valentine's Day. Jim feels bad; he didn't realize it was Valentine's Day today or that he'd be getting a present from Maggie. Maggie explains that Valentine's Day isn't until Monday, and these presents aren't for Jim. They will be from him, to Roommate Lisa. You see, Don has a wonderful romantic evening planned for him and Maggie, but Maggie is afraid Lisa will somehow "ruin" it if she doesn't have a date of her own to distract her. Last year, Maggie says, Lisa's boyfriend stood her up and so she made Maggie and Don watch a movie and listen to her complain about how every single Valentine's Day has been awful all night long. Um, what? Maggie and Don can't just leave Maggie's apartment? Doesn't Don have a place they can go to? Lisa doesn't live there too, does she? This is ridiculous.
After calling Jim a "nerd," Maggie says she and Don will be going to a room at the Four Seasons. That's great; can't they just go there without Lisa coming along? Or not tell Lisa which room they're in? And turn their phones off? This makes no sense. Jim doesn't want to spend Valentine's Day with Lisa, as they're just fuck-buddies. Maggie doesn't care; she's already drawn up an itinerary for Jim and Lisa's date and given Jim gifts for Lisa that she knows Lisa will like, including "slutty lingerie." Poor Lisa. Her roommate is such a bitch to and thinks so little of her. Jim says it's not like Maggie is so pure, what with the bathtub at the Four Seasons she was just bragging about. "You can't have sex in a bathtub," Maggie says. "Yes, you can!" Tess says, once again being one of the few bright spots on this show; "you just have to slip yourself-- " Maggie cuts her off rudely. "Shut up!" she then screams at Jim. I can see why the men on this show are just falling all over themselves to be with her. What I can't see is why she's falling all over herself to have a romantic night with Don, who she couldn't stand last week, or to hook Lisa up with Jim, when she was so upset about them being together last week.
Neal Skypes with Amen, who is wearing a bandana over his nose and mouth. He holds up his American passport to show Amen that he is who he says he is, like those can't be faked for a Skype chat easily enough and also, Neal was a UK citizen six years ago, but now he has an American passport? How the hell did that happen? Does this show not understand how these things work? They already have MacKenzie as the most British "American citizen" ever. Neal tells Amen they want to pay him to report for ACN. Amen says that sounds great to him. Neal introduces Amen to MacKenzie. Oh, that's too bad for Amen. Nothing good can happen once you meet MacKenzie. Look at Dr. Dr. Sloan -- she was an accomplished economics reporter and now she's giving Economics 101 lessons.
MacKenzie says it'll be three a.m., Amen's time when they report live from Tahrir Square. She wants him to get interviews, find out who's in charge of Egypt right now, and find out what the military is doing. Amen says that's not a problem. Oh, and they'll need Amen to tell them his real name and show his entire face. She says Amen's report won't be credible if he's anonymous. Oh, come on. I think Americans watching would understand if Amen had to remain anonymous. Neal tries to convince Amen by saying he'll be the first Egyptian reporter on the scene of one of the most important news events in the Middle East. "You will never forget tonight," he says. Yeah, he'll treasure those memories forever until he's dead tomorrow. Amen removes the mask and tells them his real name: Kahlid. He smiles, unaware that he's probably just signed his own death warrant.
Kahlid tells Neal how to spell his name, which is valuable information for a certain television recapper, only for the show to cut away to Will, Charlie, and MacKenzie. Now I'll never know how to spell Kahlid's last name! But I guess it's more important to know that Will wants to look into the Koch brothers' connection to the governor of Wisconsin, but doesn't know if Charlie will go for it because it's the one thing Leona asked ACN not to do and at this point I'm starting to think that's the only reason Will is doing it. MacKenzie thinks people should be paying more attention to her, so she offers to resign. Will foolishly refuses. Then again, he did give up a million dollars a year to have the ability to fire her. Will and MacKenzie bicker in a way that we are supposed to find cute and/or humorous until Charlie whisper-yells at them to shut up. Will says they're going to chase the Koch story. Actually, Jim is going to do that, as Will is more of a delegator than a reporter.
February 11: Will tells the four people who watch NewsNight about the Egypt and how Mubarak agreed to step down. Will shows the footage Kahlid got, then goes to Kahlid.
And then they're on a break. Gary Cooper decides to walk into the studio and tell Will, in the middle of the newscast, that he used to work at TMI and heard that Nina took money from people not to write about them. Will thinks that's insane. MacKenzie hears it all on her headset. Will comes back from the break, Gary Cooper disappears, and the topic switches to Wisconsin.
After the show, Kahlid talks to MacKenzie, Neal, Will, and Jim. Will tells him he did "good work." Kahlid says Tahrir Square is now full of old women cleaning everything. But, Kahlid says, as happy as everyone is that Mubarak is gone, the military is still in charge. "We traded this 82-year-old dictator for a 79-year-old field marshal," Kahlid says. He actually read the Wikileaks stuff and saw that the US state department called the field marshal "Mubarak's poodle." Way to read the Wikileaks documents, entire NewsNight team except for possibly Neal. "The army's not the good guys?" says the woman who supposedly reported from war zones for the last two and a half years. Kahlid wonders if they'll actually have free elections or if the army will protect the Mubarak supporters who killed hundreds of protestors in Tahrir Square. Kahlid wants to go to the Ministry of the Interior, where the army is burning documents in the courtyard, to find out now. Neal thinks that sounds like a great idea.
Just in case you didn't think MacKenzie was the most pathetic person in the world, we get to watch her attempt to pay attention while Dr. Dr. Sloan is talking about the difference between commercial banks and investment banks. "Can you balance your checkbook?" Dr. Dr. Sloan asks. "Yes!" MacKenzie says. Then: "No," MacKenzie admits. OH MY GOD IT IS NOT DIFFICULT TO BALANCE A CHECKBOOK. You just write down what you've taken out or put back into your checking account and make sure it matches up with your bank statement. Even though MacKenzie is a moron, Dr. Dr. Sloan tries to explain the Glass-Steagall Act. MacKenzie stares at her phone. Wade is calling. MacKenzie has stopped paying attention. "I can't seem to stop hurting Will," she says. That has nothing to do with banking or the economy or the Glass-Steagall Act.
"This morning was just fucked up," Dr. Dr. Sloan says, trying to be a friend to the woman who constantly asks her for stuff and then ditches her. "Do you have any human knowledge?" asks the woman who doesn't have any friends and thinks it's okay to cheat on someone if you're doing it to find out whether or not you're in love. "I have been told I do not," Dr. Dr. Sloan says, not seeming to really care. MacKenzie drinks her wine. Dr. Dr. Sloan feels kind of guilty about all of this, since she was the reason why MacKenzie sent that email to Will (and everyone else in the universe) in the first place. MacKenzie goes on another crying jag and wheezes that this is totally Dr. Dr. Sloan's fault before stopping herself. "I'm the closest thing that you have to a female friend, right?" Dr. Dr. Sloan asks, already knowing the answer. MacKenzie asks if Dr. Dr. Sloan is saying that MacKenzie doesn't have any female friends or that Dr. Dr. Sloan is not entirely female. That was a funny line. Too bad it's stuck between a bunch of annoying lines.
For some reason, Dr. Dr. Sloan wants to hear more about Will and MacKenzie's Troubled Past. MacKenzie says she was with a guy who "wasn't half the man that Will is," (like Will is so awesome. He's not) but was clearly intelligent because he dumped her. Dr. Dr. Sloan quickly decides that she doesn't want to hear any of this. They try to talk about the economy again. Dr. Dr. Sloan says after the Glass-Steagall act was passed, everything turned awesome. MacKenzie cries and wonders if they cheated on the Glass-Stegall act with an act that wasn't half as good. Dr. Dr. Sloan says that's close enough -- the Glass-Steagall Act was repealed.
Jim asks Neal for Valentine's Day card writing advice, but Neal's not in the mood -- Kahlid is missing. Well, I think we all knew that was going to happen. But Neal isn't too worried that he can't jump to his feet and cheer madly when Elliot enters the room, looking beaten up but happy not to be in Egypt anymore. Elliot gets a standing ovation. His wife thanks everyone for all of the concern and also, apparently, strippers. Don wants to bring Elliot to Charlie's office, but Neal stops him to talk to Elliot directly, like those two have ever had a conversation before. He says he can't find Kahlid. Don says Kahlid has a satellite phone, so Neal should be able to find Kahlid using its GPS. With that, they head to Charlie's office. A stripper walks in. "We did this already," someone tells her. Even the strippers on this show aren't good at their jobs. Women can't do anything right!
Charlie can't hug Elliot because of his broken ribs, so he settles for shaking his hand and kissing him on the cheek. "Don't ever fucking do that again," he slurs. Don says he wants Elliot to return to work tonight. Charlie thinks that's a bad idea, since Elliot looks like crap right now. Don thinks it's important for people to see that. Elliot seems like he'd be fine taking a week off to recover from the injuries and possible PTSD. "This is a great reporter who got us a great story," Don says. Elliot points out that he didn't get a story so much as he got beaten up. True, but he still did more to get that than Jim did to get the oil rig story. Charlie insists that Elliot not go on the air. Don is mad at everyone.
Gary Cooper calls Will into Will's office to tell him that the morning show female anchor feels terrible about what her co-star said about Will, and that it was just because the daytime staff think the primetime staff think they're better than them. I wonder what could have given them that idea? Also, don't think you're so special, daytime crew -- the primetime staff thinks it's better than everyone and everything, not just you. Gary Cooper says he has something else to tell Will: that Nina is going to run another piece in TMI, this time about how MacKenzie almost got her entire crew killed in Pakistan. Best EP in the business. Will writes down Nina's phone number as Jim comes in to say they're ready in the conference room. He also tells Gary Cooper to tell his friends on the daytime side that they can ask Jim about MacKenzie's ethics. And Jim couldn't have told Gary Cooper that before? He had to do it in Will's office in front of Will like that? Kiss ass.
Jim mentions that he had a few stitches put in his head wound as Will rips a Valentine's Day heart decoration in half. Wow, they really went all-out decorating that office for a stupid holiday, huh? Charlie doesn't have anything else to do, so he sits in on the meeting, where Jim announces that yes, the Koch brothers are tied to the governor of Wisconsin in several ways. And they have footage of one of the Kochs being asked about Citizens United and pretending not to know what it is. Everyone smiles smugly at this find, and Jim says that two Supreme Court justices are friendly with the Kochs and Clarence Thomas's wife was paid nearly $700,000 through a foundation that was set up by the Kochs and Thomas never disclosed that money on his financial disclosure form. Also, the two justices with ties to the Kochs -- Scalia and Thomas -- didn't recuse themselves from the Citizens United case, ultimately casting two votes in Citizens United's favor. With the Supreme Court decision that allowed PACs to form, the Kochs could give lots of money to certain candidates. So could unions, which is why the Kochs are working with the governor of Wisconsin to destroy them, Will thinks. Yeah, or the governor of Wisconsin wants to balance his budget somehow and thinks cutting public sector salaries is the best way to do it because he's an asshole. Sometimes the best explanation is the simplest one.
Neal interrupts to announce that Kahlid is gone -- his satellite phone has no signal, meaning it's either been destroyed or it's too far underground to detect. "He's been taken!" Neal says. Charlie mobilizes everyone into action to try to figure out where Kahlid is. Don says he doesn't have much hope for his Egyptian contacts, what with their government just being dissolved and all. Neal gets angry about this, but Don assures him that they will not lose Kahlid. Kahlid is already dead. Sorry, but it's true. Elliot, who is still at work for some reason, says he has contacts in the Egyptian army. Clearly they are close contacts, what with how they protected him from the rest of the citizens. With everyone working on helping Kahlid, Neal has nothing to do but watch Martin's monitor, where Rush Limbaugh is basically laughing at reporters who have been attacked by Egyptian protestors. Kind of weird that Martin is watching this now when Limbaugh said it a week and a half ago, but it does make for an exciting moment when Neal punches the monitor hard enough to break his fingers. Jim pulls him away. So now we've got a head wound, whatever Elliot's got, and Neal's broken fingers. I think I'm seeing a trend.
Don, MacKenzie, and Will head to Charlie's office. Charlie tells him that corporate won't intervene on Kahlid's behalf because he's a freelancer. Don says they'll have to go to Reese. They do. Reese's assistant tells Don that Reese isn't in. "I think he is, Roberta," Don says. Nice modern name there, Roberta. Don bangs on Reese's door and screams at him to open up. Then he tries to force it open by diving into it with his shoulder. This hurts. Add Don to the disabled list.
The newsroom is alive with people on phones trying to track Kahlid down. Don, his arm now in a sling, threatens to put someone's head through a pyramid. Will calls him into his office. "Donny," he starts. Don cuts him off and says he was the one who sent Elliot into Tahrir Square. Well, duh. I think we all knew that. Will certainly did. "We're all jealous. We wish it was us with the bruises on our faces," Will says. Apparently they do, since they've spent this entire episode trying to get their own bruises. Also, no, they don't wish they got beaten up. That's not a badge of honor that says you're an awesome reporter. That's something painful and upsetting. Does everyone wish he was Lara Logan? This show is disgusting.
Elliot announces that he found Kahlid. The army captured him and are willing to let him go for $250,000, wired to some charity. Elliot makes a few calls to make sure the army thing checks out while Will says he'll talk to corporate about getting the money. This gives Don a chance to apologize to Elliot very sincerely because he is one the best characters on this show. Elliot forgives him.
Will goes on the air and tells everyone that teachers are good and Wisconsin governors are bad. In the control room, Jim informs MacKenzie that Wade just showed up and he's refusing to leave until MacKenzie sees him. Um, aren't they in a private building? MacKenzie can just have security remove him. Or not let him in in the first place. Actually, do they even have security in that building? People seem to just come and go as they please. MacKenzie tells Jim to send Wade to the terrace. Jim points out that it's ten degrees outside. MacKenzie is well aware. "You deserved a lot better," Jim tells her. Did she? Nothing I've seen from MacKenzie so far suggests that she deserves anything better.
MacKenzie finally meets with Wade. He has no idea why she's mad at him. MacKenzie is all business, asking Wade when he first met with the DCCC. Wade asks when MacKenzie was planning on telling him that she used to be with Will. "This was never gonna work, you and me. You wasted my time," he says; "so I got something out of it." I guess MacKenzie shouldn't have been so obvious in her disgust with being near Wade when Will was around. MacKenzie requests that Wade "in this order," leave, lose the election, and then go to hell. He would sort of have to do those things in that order. He couldn't really go to hell, lose the election, and then leave the AWM building.
Will meets Nina in the only nightclub in town. They're in a back room so no one will see them together. Will apologizes to Nina for being rude to her at the party. Nina says that if Will thinks this is all because he rejected her, then he's an even bigger narcissist than she thought. Anyway, Nina is pretty damn sure that MacKenzie and Will were trying to help Wade out, so I guess she's not printing blatant lies about Will and his staff since she thinks they're true and she does present the facts. She knew what was going on with Wade before super-journalists Will and MacKenzie did. "I'm running a piece saying that you hired an incompetent EP because she was your girlfriend," Nina says. Once again, Nina gets the facts right! Just maybe not the conclusions she draws from them. She's still a better reporter than Will.
Then Nina says she's thinking of investing in a restaurant and needs silent partners. $50,000 should do it. Will takes out his checkbook. He's an idiot to trust her. Why should he? Is he going to tell on her if she goes back on her word and admit that he paid her off? "Hey, Will. We're journalists," Nina says. That was a mistake. He almost finished signing that check. Then she said that and now he can't help but jump up on his high horse and go off on Nina about how he's a real journalist and she isn't. He proves this by telling Nina that one guy on his staff got hit in the head with a glass door but refused to go to the doctor because another guy got beaten up in Cairo, and then a third guy ran into a door because he felt guilty about the second guy and a fourth guy hasn't slept in three days because he feels bad about sending a freelancer off to his death. Will forgets to add that the fourth guy punched a monitor. And: "I've got a grown woman who has to subtract with her fingers staying up all night trying to learn economics from a Ph.D. who could be making twenty times the money three miles downtown." These people, Will says, are journalists. Oh? Because they sound like idiots who cannot function in normal society to me. Nina, who gets plenty of information and writes stories people want to read without managing to injure herself, is not a journalist. Will tells Nina to come after him all she wants, but stay away from his staff or else he'll use his hour of primetime to ruin her life. So ... he'll do to Nina what Nina is doing to him? Nice job, journalist. He adds that if he finds out that Leona is involved in this, then he will ... uh ... eat them, I think he said? "I'm dead serious," says the face we all watched in Dumb and Dumber. All Nina has to say is "tough-ass speech. But you're not gonna win."
Dr. Dr. Sloan again tries to teach MacKenzie about economics. "What happened to Will?" MacKenzie wonders. Dr. Dr. Sloan tries to get her to focus and talks about Glass-Steagall again. But then Roommate Lisa runs through the bullpen screaming Jim's name. Jim and Maggie, who are hanging out in MacKenzie's office to hear this thrilling economics lesson, suddenly realize that today is Valentine's Day (weird that Hang Chew's was looking so empty) and Jim stood Lisa up. Jim quickly ducks under MacKenzie's desk. "Get up!" Maggie orders. "Please don't make me!" Jim whines. And then slams the back of his head on the underside of MacKenzie's desk.
Jim and Maggie run out to the bullpen to try to calm Lisa down. Um ... how did Lisa get in, by the way? No security at this place. They'll just let some irate young lady into the office of their biggest, most highly-paid talent. No problem! "Where the fuck have you been?" Lisa greets Jim. She just spent an hour in restaurant alone waiting for him. She tried to call him but he didn't answer. She tried to call Maggie, but Maggie and Tess accidentally switched phones, so Tess got all the angry messages. Maggie's foolproof plan to mark their phones with nail polish to tell them apart to prevent this was foiled when they both put nail polish on their phones. Oh, women! They just can't use phones! Personally, I find that putting a sparkly unicorn sticker on my phone helps me distinguish it from all the other women's nail polish-covered phones every time!
Jim tries to make it up to Lisa by handing her the card he wrote. He lost the one Maggie gave him, so Maggie smacks him. Ugh, fire her. Lisa doesn't care. She says Jim is a jerk. Maggie says that Jim "did everything right here." Except for standing Lisa up. And not calling her. After screaming at Jim to shut up again (it's still not funny that she talks to him this way), Maggie tells Lisa that Jim is a "very decent guy." Lisa's not falling for it. Valentine's Day is her favorite day of the year. Maggie says this is every guy's least favorite day and it's "the bully of holidays." I guess Maggie would know, since she spent this entire day bullying everyone else. Maggie is the Valentine's Day of The Newsroom. Maggie says it's time to boycott Valentine's Day and screams for support just as Don walks in with a bouquet of roses. He quickly tosses them to Rodney Dangerfield and says he loves Maggie every day. I'm just so happy to see Rodney getting the love and presents he truly deserves. Maggie runs up and kisses Don and whisper-screams that she didn't mean any of that. Don points out that Lisa can hear her. Jim sincerely apologizes to Lisa, who informs him that she's wearing edible underwear. "Shut up!" Maggie screams. God, she's awful.
Dr. Dr. Sloan is trying to compare economics to Jenga towers when Kendra informs MacKenzie that Will is finally back. "Let's do this!" MacKenzie says. She walks into Will's office and asks him where he just was. Will lies that he went out to buy gum. MacKenzie threatens to "beat [Will] senseless" if she finds out that he gave money to a gossip columnist to protect her. MacKenzie claims that she's "crafty" enough to get the upper hand on Will, but nothing we've seen in five episodes indicates that this is true. MacKenzie doesn't know much about protecting people, seeing as how she almost got her crew killed in Pakistan, I read in TMI. Anyway, threats of violence are even more hilarious on this show after Elliot got beaten senseless.
MacKenzie says that corporate wired the money to the army and Kahlid is home safe. Except she's pretty sure it wasn't corporate who paid up at all. Also, Bill Clinton repealed the Glass-Steagall Act. And Will was the one who paid for Kahlid's release out of his own pockets. As he told Nina earlier, he's a millionaire. He can give her $50,000 and he can give the Egyptian army $250,000, which I'm sure will go to a very good cause and not be used to buy weapons that kill more innocent people at all. "He's one of our guys," Will says of Kahlid.
MacKenzie opens the door. Neal walks in and hands Will a check, saying he wants to help. Will points out that Neal can't really afford to help. Neal insists. Maggie walks in and leaves a check on the desk. It says "Coach" in the memo line. So ... Will is the coach in the Rudy movie? Wasn't that guy a dick? I'm so confused. Gary Cooper leaves a check. So does Kendra. Will walks outside to see a line of staff holding checks to put on his desk. They all applaud him. So Elliot got a standing ovation for being on the wrong end of a rock and Will got it for having a shit-ton of money. Interesting. "Happy Valentine's Day," MacKenzie says. Yes, what a great Valentine's Day present! Checks from all the people who work from you and are paid so much less! I'm going to assume that Will didn't cash those checks, although it would be kind of funny if he did. Will and MacKenzie hug it out. Great. I'm so happy that they seem to have resolved their issues with each other. No, I really am, because it wasn't written very well and it would be great for everyone if their relationship could evolve into something slightly more mature and realistic. Neal Skypes with Kahlid, who is looking much more alive than I predicted, and everyone is happy.
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