Woo! Nashville Star finale! I am writing this weecap from my recovery couch, having just undergone a partial thyroidectomy. And believe me, the pain of having half of my thyroid removed was nothing compared to the pain of seeing the likes of Cof-FAY and Laura & Sophie perform week after week. Nashville Star has steeled me. I also might be writing this under the influence of Vicodin and with a big scarf around my neck, which means I'm turning into Stevie Nicks as we speak. Just like the white winged dove sings a song, Melissa's singing. Hoo, baby, hoo, said hoo. Shawn made me cry, made me break down, shattered my illusions of love. Gabe Garcia rings like a bell through the night. Anyway, okay, here we go. I'm taking my love, taking it down.
Katie Cook has taken the 10:00 p.m. start time to heart, and is wearing her satin and sequin dominatrix dress with new ruby-red grapefruit décolletage. Pretty! She introduces the judges/mentors, who introduce our final three. John Rich calls Melissa one of the most gifted vocalists he's ever heard in his entire life. I like her and all, but I don't know if I'd go that far. In all fairness, he probably listens to a LOT of Big & Rich. Jeffrey then introduces the comeback kid, Shawn Mayer, who is also extra boobiful tonight. Jewel, whose stringy, lifeless hair really emphasizes her snaggletooth, introduces the "country through and through" Gabe Garcia. Katie Cook tells us that last week we cast almost five million votes. Including the three votes I cast for "putting us out of our misery."
And then -- oh, God. Please let this be a Vicodin-induced haze. Alas. We kick the night off with one of the biggest country songs ever. Yes, my friends, it's Billy Ray Cyrus singing "Achy Breaky Heart." He opted for the dancers. I have never been so happy to see skanks line dancing. Well, that might not be technically true. Billy Ray does not seem all that excited about the dancing skanks, which is strange because they must remind him quite a bit of daddy's little breadwinner. Seriously, Billy Ray, if you're reading this -- take that child's cell phone away. Gabe comes out to sing a few lines with BRC, and it's telling that Gabe seems like the Will Smith of country musicians to the outsized persona of Billy Ray. Shawn Mayer comes out , followed by Melissa. Oh, and then all the booted contestants! They all are forced to line dance, though not in Daisy Dukes. It's a shame, as I bet Cof-FAY could wear the shit out of them. There are pyrotechnics, which really do make me wish that the rooms were all on fire, and that they had to evacuate the building, and the show was over, yay.
Billy Ray teleprompts that it's time to get the party started, and introduces a former electrician who can really light up the stage -- Mr. Gabe Garcia. Gabe sings the Brad Paisley song "Celebrity," which is an homage to obnoxious no-talent hacks from reality shows. It's a great nod-and-wink song, but I think they probably just made Gabe sing it because it has the word "adios" in it. Jewel tells Gabe that it's been a pleasure to get to know him over the past nine weeks, and an honor to work with him. She's proud of him, and is also happy that he represented her so well. Because, as always, it's all about Jewel.
up, Melissa performs. She sings a song called "My Wish," by Rascal Flatts. Jeffrey Steele totally wrote this song. It's all about, like, finding a rainbow at the end of your pot of coffee or some shit. I bet Melissa's husband's wish is that she wins enough money to hire a damn nanny for all those kids. Jeffrey notes that Melissa, despite having five kids under the age of ten, has managed to become more beautiful with each passing week. He asks how it will feel to know that if she wins tonight, the rest of us can go download her music. Well, duh. He always asks the most inane questions. When you build your house, call me, John Rich. Anyway, John thinks that Melissa is awesome.
up is Shawn, of course. She took a lot of risks, including firing John Rich, who bought Billy Ray Cyrus the boots he's wearing tonight. I guess Miley got a little stingy with the allowance that week. Shawn sings "Gunpowder and Lead" by Miranda Lambert, which really harkens back to the glory days of this show. The song is all about how she's totally going to shoot John Rich. Excellent choice! Jeffrey never would have thought that Shawn would be standing in the final three, and says that he agreed with pretty much everything John said in the early days. It's been great to see her professionalism, and how she's come around in the past few weeks, he says, and he's proud of how she stepped up to the plate. He hopes she wins. So do I! Even though she's not really a great singer. I mean, who cares, right?
Oh, and then we have a montage where the judges give the contestants some career advice. They bring in country radio king Blair Garner. No, not Blair Warner, though I'm sure she would have more brilliant ideas. The upshot of the session with Blair is that radio is very important. , John Rich brings in mother effing George Jones! Shawn is particularly blown away. George Jones thinks that everyone is doing a great job. We don't get to see his advice to the contestants, which is likely, "Don't get as drunk as I did as often as I did." That is some sound wisdom.
The three contestants stand with Billy Ray, who is about to axe one of them. Yes, it's the dreaded penultimate elimination! Everyone looks nervous. The contestant who received the fewest votes last week and will be eliminated right now is...is...is...is...Shawn Mayer. Aw, poopmeister. Billy Ray asks Shawn if she would have done anything differently. Shawn clearly would not have done a thing differently. She notes that Miranda Lambert got third place during her Nashville Star season, so maybe that's a sign. We have a Shawntage, tracing her journey from the rough early days to the flat notes in the middle of the season, to the emotional meltdowns. It's a true triumph of the spirit. Seriously, though, Shawn was totally my favorite contestant. Jeffrey is very proud of her, and tells her that this was a stepping stone for her. I do hope she finds some success, and maybe some vocal lessons en route. She climbed a mountain and she turned around, but that's okay.
And then we are treated to a Gabe/Melissa duet... of "I've Had the Time of My Life"!!!!!! HA!!!!!!! This is for sure a moment created by the magic of Vicodin. DO THE LIFT!!!!!!!! DO THE LIFT!!!!!!!!!! In truth, I can't tell you if they did the lift or not because I fell asleep for a while in the middle of that number. I mean, they sound great, but it's all just so freaking boring. There are countless great country duets, and they picked the freaking Dirty Dancing number. At the very least bust out some "Jackson," mofos.
When we return, we get a Melissa video montage. Melissa has a lot of kids, and crazy eyes, and a lot of ambition. After popping out babies for all that time, you can see that she might want something more. Conveniently, she sings "Something More" by Sugarland. She sounds amazing. Jewel loves how Melissa hollows her face out and uses her tone. Yeah, me too. Jeffrey asks Melissa how she's feeling, then answers for her that she's feeling numb. Jeffrey tells her that she did a great job, and he's proud of her. John Rich says that you can't practice and become the kind of singer that Melissa is. It's a God-given gift. It is true that you can't learn that. She's got a great voice.
up it's time for a Gabe video montage. Gabe likes to wear hats and necklaces and is very consistent and also Latino. He sings "Gone Country" by Alan Jackson, which sounds like every other song he's sung for the past eight weeks. He sounds great, too, and tries his hand at a little charisma. Jeffrey points out that Gabe already is country, and that he's one of the best voices on the show ever. John says that Gabe has done himself proud, his state proud, and his heritage proud. I think even Gabe is sick of John Rich pointing out that his got a little flava. Jewel is proud of Gabe, and says that there's a great future for him. And she wants to bone him in secret when her boyfriend is off riding a cow or whatever.
The contestants stand with Billy Ray. He asks Jewel who she thinks will win. Jewel says, and I quote, "This isn't fair, golly." She's suddenly in a 1940s newsreel, I guess, which might actually explain the lipstick. Jewel hopes that both of the contestants win. When there is some mild booing she yells out, "I'm a girl! I'm allowed!" Grow a pair of ovaries to go with those small hands, chucker. John Rich thinks it's a horse race and a photo finish. Jeffrey jokes that he's holding out for Pearl Heart to win, before saying that he's going with Gabe. Melissa sucks her teeth and thinks about how she might retroactively poison that apple tart she baked for him.
Before we learn who wins, we see each of the final two recording the winning song with John Rich. They both did great, and either would make a fine winner. We go to the judges for their final thoughts. Haven't we done that several times already? The Vicodin is wearing off! Oh, and then Lord, Jewel congratulates America. Thanks, Jewel, it means the world to us to have your approval. There is some small talk between Katie Cook and the final two. Billy Ray stands there awkwardly. And I suppose this is as good a time as any to make a formal apology to a man whom I previously thought was perhaps the most reprehensible, talentless hack in all of Hollywood. Here goes. Ryan Seacrest: as it turns out, I was wrong when I stated (multiple times) that any moron with half a head full of rocks and a mullet could do your job. As has been demonstrated week after week on Nashville Star, that is in fact not true. I shall appreciate your subtle talents evermore, and not just because I love Kathy Griffin so much.
Gabe and Melissa stand amidst dramatic lighting and music. Billy Ray reads from the teleprompter, and then announces that the new Nashville Star is...is...is...Melissa Lawson! Wow! I mean, I guess it's not actually that exciting, but I can't help but get a little happy when people win things. Unless they are Saleisha winning America's Top Model. Which brings me to my question...do you think this thing was rigged from the beginning? I mean, Melissa's great, but the whole thing seems a little pre-ordained. Except then I think that Billy Ray Cyrus actually forgets Melissa's name for a minute. Katie Cook has to mouth it and point at her. Melissa recovers well, though, and sings her new song, "What If It All Goes Right?" It's all very "I Believe This Is My Moment Flying Without Wings Like This." She sounds a little rough, in part because she's actively choking on confetti. Her kids rush up and she gives them mad love, then tells them to fix themselves some cereal for dinner because mama's got some money to make.
And to the six of you out there who have read these weecaps, I thank you! Now take that 99 cents you were going to use to download "What If It All Goes Right" and get yourself a copy of "Jolene" instead.
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Potes has half a thyroid and a burgeoning Vicodin addiction, and wants Dolly Parton to adopt her. She can be reached at potesypotes at gmail.com.