Hello, friends! I am happy to report that I survived a) dirty hippies; b) four days of port-a-potties; and c) a monsoon at the Falcon Ridge Folk Festival. I swear to God I have never been so happy to see a real toilet in my life. Yay for being indoors! I never want to go outside again!
The bad thing about seeing all that good music, however, is that it's going to make the experience of watching Nashville Star even worse. Oh, and Lord, we're going to get TWO performances from each finalist. Happy day. Maybe they could give Cof-FAY four songs, just to make things more unbearable. Katie Cook introduces Billy Ray Cyrus, who is sporting a pornstache this week in addition to his soul patch. I think he's wearing a dangling carrot earring, too. He looks a bit out of sorts, probably because he's been going in circles chasing his ear all afternoon. This week, each contestant went to his or her hometown to give a performance sponsored by State Farm. The concerts raised money for dropout prevention. I think all that money should by default go to Laura & Sophie.
Shawn is first up, and heads back to her hometown of May City, Iowa, population 45. She sees a sign that has been put up, stating that May City Iowa is the home of Shawn Mayer. She's overwhelmed by all of the people who are behind her. 45, to be exact. Shawn goes to a local mall, where a lot of folks are cheering for her. She tells us that she doesn't think she's anything special, but is happy that she's made people proud. She leads a pack of Hell's Angels to her concert, and finds 6,000 people in the audience. Is the town even big enough to fit that many people? Going home has given Shawn a boost, and she's ready to fight to the finish. For her first song, she sings "I'm Here for the Party" by Gretchen Wilson. Overall she sounds great, even though she still has that weird-ass enunciation.
John Rich is impressed. He says she's improved so much over the past several weeks that she made "I'm Here for the Party" sound like a Shawn Mayer song. Jewel, who has a new haircut that makes her look simultaneously like Shirley Temple and Betty White, agrees that Shawn has come into her own and become more confident. She adds that with great fame comes great responsibility, which is something Shawn needs to think about. What the eff is she even talking about? This prompted me to look up Jewel's charity work, and I discovered that she and her mom started a non-profit foundation called Higher Ground for Humanity. And what is that non-profit's mission statement, you may ask? "The organization strives to promote human excellence by pioneering what it means to be a human being in the highest sense, inspiring new possibilities for humanity." You got that? Are you bursting with new possibilities for humanity right now? Me, too. Or maybe it's the residual port-a-potty fumes. Jeffrey notes that Shawn is fighting through some wisdom tooth issues tonight, and he digs the fact that she's being a pro and working through the pain. I work through the pain when I recap this show every week. Why do I get no props from Jeffrey Steele?
up is Gabe Garcia. He heads back to his hometown of Lytle, Texas, and gets a huge welcome at the airport. Gabe has a police escort, and people are holding signs and waving to him from bridges. There's a big-ass parade with cheerleaders and ladies standing in the back of trucks and whatnot. Gabe is given the key to the city, and notes that his father served on the city council for fourteen years and would have deserved this more than Gabe does. The passing of Gabe's father made him realize that life is short, and he needed to chase his dreams. He has a crowd of 10,000 people, and his concert is complete with fireworks. On stage, Gabe sings a song called "It's Five O'Clock Somewhere" by the dream team of Alan Jackson and Jimmy Buffet. Let me tell you right now that I went to a Jimmy Buffet concert once, and I will take the port-a-potties for a week before I ever step foot into a freaky scene like that again. It was exactly the opposite of what it means to be a human being in the highest sense.
Anyway, Gabe sounded okay, but not exceptional. Jeffrey says that he was a bit shaky on the start, and a bit shaky on the ending. He notes that Gabe has been sick, too. John Rich says that there is a big void in country music today, in that there is no artist who can bridge the gap to the Hispanic community. He thinks that Gabe is the real deal, and has a shot at winning the show. Jewel reminds us that she's from a small town in Alaska, where humans are more human in the highest sense than anyplace else on earth. Because really, this show is all about Jewel.
up is Cof-FAY, who goes to the super-thank-God-I'm-a-country-boy town of Los Angeles, California. He decided to go there instead of Texas because his daughter, Savannah, is in L.A. She is once again the cutest. Cof-FAY's dad asks who the man is. Cof-FAY is the man, in case you were wondering. Cof-FAY goes to a church that I think is called the Dream Center, where there is a crowd of people waiting for him. And then I think he talks to incarcerated youth (?????). And then he meets actress Patricia Heaton (??????????). And then he meets -- wait for it -- Sinbad (???????????????????????????????). And then he gives a big-ass concert for a bunch of people, and I'm sure it was terrible. On stage, Cof-FAY sings "Sweet Home Alabama." He begins with an invocation for Ronnie Van Zant to rest in peace. The ghost of Ronnie Van Zant is making itself known in Cof-FAY's armpits. Seriously, get that man some perspiration pads!
Cof-FAY kind of sucks, as usual. Jeffrey Steele says that Cof-FAY is a great showman, and his charisma has carried him this whole way. Jeffrey thinks that Cof-FAY is a star, even if he's not the Nashville Star. John Rich agrees, and says that even though Cof-FAY is a star, he DOUBTS that he's the Nashville Star. Jewel agrees that Cof-FAY has a lot of charisma, and says that he was great tonight. I think that her Shirley Betty Temple White hair is maybe a wig. Maybe her hairline recedes a bit more with every lie that she tells about how good Cof-FAY is?
up is Melissa Lawson, who heads back to Arlington, Texas. She sees her family, and all of her boys pile on top of her in a really cute way. She assures us that she can handle family life and Nashville Star life all at one. She heads back to her old high school, and tells us that she's nervous because she was never popular. She was popular enough to get knocked up five times. The Arlington High School auditorium is packed, and Melissa regales the crowd with "Ready to Stand." She gets a key to the city, too. Wouldn't it be awesome to show up at the Mayor's house at midnight and try to fit that thing in the front door? On stage, Melissa sings the country classic "Hit Me With Your Best Shot." She seems really relaxed and natural, and doesn't make any crazy eyes that I can tell. She sounds great.
Jewel gives Melissa a perfunctory "good job." What's up her butt tonight? I mean, aside from the usual humanity stick or whatever. Jeffrey tells Melissa that she did a great job as always, but adds that the other contestants are sneaking up on her. He says that she knocks it out of the park every time, but he's a little tired of hearing all the big notes. John Rich asks Melissa why she wants to be the Nashville Star, and what it would do for her to win. She says that it would change not only her lives but the lives of her children, and as a mother that's her responsibility. Was that like a miniature Tony-award-winning play that we just saw there? So weird. John says that she did a great job.
And then someone from State Farm comes out to give a check for $40,000 to go to the contestants' hometown school districts. That's good and all, but I'm not sure if it really inspires new possibilities for humanity or anything important like that.
And now we begin the process of learning who gets the boot. The first contestant who is safe, and thus will advance to week's finale, is Shawn Mayer. Get out! Let us pray that this means Cof-FAY is toast. Shawn tells us that she has a dream, and is dreaming that dream for anyone who ever had a dream. In days gone by. When hope was high and life worth living. Shawn gives her final performance. She sings "The Dance" by Garth Brooks. It's okay, but I think she might have gotten more traction with a kick-ass fast song. John Rich tells her that no matter what happens, it's a huge deal that she's made it to the final three, and a huge thing to be proud of. She's also light years ahead of where she was ten weeks ago. Jewel likes that Shawn has a vision for herself as an artist, and would help her label find herself. Jeffrey again says that Shawn is a pro, and thinks that John was a fool for letting her go. Shawn smiles and tears up a little bit, and is happy. Yay.
The second person who is safe is Melissa Lawson. She throws her head back in relief. She sings "Jesus Take the Wheel," and I have to say it's not that great. She's a little rough on the belty parts, even though the low notes sound lovely. Jewel says that people don't understand how hard the music business is, and then talks about how much she likes Melissa's husband and kids. Jeffrey loves Melissa, and says that even though he thought the low notes were a little low for her, she's great when she's in the zone. That's exactly the opposite of what I thought! Huh. John Rich talks emphatically, and the upshot of it all is that Melissa has a shot of becoming the Nashville Star. Well, yeah, she's in the final three. But, I mean, awesome critique.
And now, of course, it's down to Gabe and Cof-FAY. I mean, duh. Gabe is safe. Billy Ray says that Cof-FAY is electric. Boogie woogie woogie. Cof-FAY thanks everyone for everything. If we don't catch him on tour this summer, we can catch him at a local church leading worship. Jesus take the wheel and drive me to a church in a different county. And lo, the four finalists will all be appearing together on the Nashville Star tour. Excuse me for a moment as I rush over to Ticketmaster!
Gabe sings his final song, "Living in Fast Forward" by Kenny Chesney. It's predictably good, if predictably not totally overwhelming. Jeffrey reminds America that this is the last time they'll get to vote, and also adds that anyone who doesn't think there's a lot of great talent tonight can kiss his country ass. That sounds kind of appealing. Whatever, Jeffrey Steele is hot. I do agree that these three are the best of the bunch, and I'm happy that they're the last contestants standing. Jeffrey tells Gabe that his voice is radio all day long, and predicts a finalist showdown. John Rich thinks that Gabe is important to country music, and commends Jewel for getting Gabe to come out of his shell. He thinks there's a record deal in Gabe's future whether he wins the show or not. And then Jewel says, "We all live in this town, and we see what the labels have." I thought Jewel lived in Texas? In any case, she says that Gabe isn't a vain singer, and so doesn't oversing. She loves it, even though she wants to see him continue to stretch vocally.
And with that, it's time for each of us to fully participate in the democratic process and vote for our favorite contestant. Tune in Monday at 10 to find out the results!
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