This week on Assville Star: original songs! At the Grand Ole Opry! And the judges perform together for the first time. Oh, joy.
Katie Cook introduces Billy Ray Cyrus, who doesn't want to waste any time. And why doesn't he want to waste any time? Because he wants to get this party started. Oh, yeah. And wasting time while being a waste of space would just be overkill.
The first contestant who is safe is Cof-FAY. Seriously? The waterworks worked, I guess. Cof-FAY has written a song called "Southern Man." Sadly, I doubt that Cof-FAY has ever listened to Neil Young. Cof-FAY is nervous driving to the Grand Ole Opry, and when he walks on the stage he says it took his breath away, literally. But not so literally that he could never sing again, because that would be too awesome. Jewel thinks that Cof-FAY's song explains a lot about him, and somehow proves that he's country. Not only that, says Cof-FAY, but people can have fun with it. On stage, Cof-FAY attempts to work it. The song is sort of a laundry list of things that make Cof-FAY a southern man. Such as catfish frying in a pan. And cowboy hats. And trucks. And wearing your hat cocked to the side. And square dancing. And cheese on your eggs. I think cheese is really universal, so I don't buy that. And apparently southern people don't use the phone? Well, that explains a lot, I guess. The song is okay. It sounds kind of like a slightly twangier Jack Johnson song. As the melody has about four notes total, it plays to Cof-FAY's lack of vocal strengths.
Jeffrey, as the pro songwriter on the panel, was eagerly anticipating reaming all the contestants on original song night. He remembers Cof-FAY singing this early on in the competition, and really wanted to hate it. But he didn't. He says it's a little novel overall, but Cof-FAY did an all right job. John Rich says that while Cof-FAY's song might have turned on the crowd, it's not a country radio hit. It was a great performance, he says, but not a great song. Cof-FAY gives some lip and raises his arm to display copious pits. Notice that Certain-Dri wasn't mentioned anywhere in the song. Jewel is proud that Cof-FAY stood for what he is. A mediocre singer/songwriter? All right, then. If you want to download Cof-FAY's song, it's on iTunes and CD Baby. I'm sure at 8:05 the Internet slowed to a grinding halt with all the traffic. I will give Cof-FAY that he knows how to wear a bedazzled shirt. Those of you on the forums will be happy to note that Billy Ray Cyrus tells Chet not to vote. Poor maligned Chet.
The safe contestant is Melissa Lawson. She'll be singing her song, "Ready to Stand." Melissa tells John Rich that she's very new to songwriting, and has no idea if her song is good or if it sucks. She plays it for him, and John thinks she's a natural songwriter. Melissa's song is about her journey to get where she is. She's been knocked down a lot of times in this business. But this is her moment, and she's ready. Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this. Some people search forever for that one special kiss. ...Wait, I'm getting confused. Melissa performs, and no one has given her a note about the crazy eyes yet. Argh. But her song sure has a catchy melody. And a bridge! Suck it, Cof-FAY! The gist of the song is that she's fallen a lot of times or whatever, and closed doors and blah blah blah, and now she's ready to stand. The lyrics aren't revolutionary at all, but the whole thing totally sounds like it could be on country radio. Her performance isn't as good as usual, I'm guessing because it's really nerve-wracking and emotional to sing your own songs in front of people when you're not used to it.
Jewel tells Melissa that one of the great things about songwriting is that you get to write for your own voice. Melissa did a good job taking advantage of that, and Jewel is proud to be part of a show that lets artists write their own songs. I don't know if that really makes a dent in all the things that are embarrassing about this show, but let's pretend we don't know that for right now. Jeffrey is furious that he hasn't gotten to critique the heck out of anyone tonight. He says that there's some incredible talent on the show. Then there's a weird moment where I think Jewel asks Melissa if she wrote the song by herself, and Melissa kind of sucks her teeth and shakes her head no. But Jeffrey is still talking at the same time so no one seems to pay any mind to it. Grassy knoll! Grassy knoll! Anyway, Jeffrey loved it. John Rich says that he's becoming more and more impressed every week. He tells Melissa to stay focused. Everyone knows she's a powerful great singer, but the competition isn't over. Still, he thought it was great. Billy Ray tells Melissa that not only is she ready to stand, she's standing proud. It's so cute/sad when he goes off the teleprompter.
Oooh! And then we get a sneak peek of the new season of The Biggest Loser! Families! Since I've been recapping that show, whenever I see a person of size I get a warm fuzzy feeling inside. Maybe that's why I'm so partial to Melissa.
When we return, it's time for Jewel, John, and Jeffrey to perform a medley of their original songs. Notice that no one asked Billy Ray to join this special performance. Jewel sings a bit of "You Were Meant for Me," and sounds even more like a mentally retarded eight year old than she did in the original. Sorry, that was offensive. But man, do I hate when grown women use a baby voice. She then sings a bit of "Foolish Games," and I want to stab her in the snaggletooth. It's hard to believe that "Hands" is not part of this medley, as it is the pinnacle of lyricism in the 20th century. Jeffrey is , belting out "What Hurts the Most," which was made into a hit by that God-awful band Rascal Flatts. He then sings "The Cowboy in Me," which was a Tim McGraw song. I had no idea he wrote that! Jeffrey Steele really knows how to make shitloads of money, doesn't he? That is a special talent I wish I had. I would sell out so fast I'd get a speeding ticket. And then John Rich comes out, saying that he's going to get country on our ass. He sings a song called "Hicktown," which is all about being proud of how everyone in your town is an ignoramus, followed by "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy." Jewel seems just a tad embarrassed to be playing along with the latter. I hope the memories haunt her for the rest of her life. Though then she will probably write a song about it called, "Memories Haunt Me," and that will become the new pinnacle of lyricism for the 21st century.
The safe contestant is Gabe Garcia. He'll be singing his song "Lost Weekend." Gabe's mind is blown to be on the Grand Ole Opry stage. He wrote "Lost Weekend" with a couple of his buddies, and it's about a long-married couple going off to bang each other in a shady motel or have a ménage a trois or whatever you do to revive your boring-ass relationship when you get sick of each other. Gabe says the song is 100% him. Gabe performs, and the song totally sounds like a country song you'd hear on the radio. It includes the phrase "sweet nothings," which I originally thought was "sweet lovin'." I liked it better that way. In the second verse, the couple totally bangs on the beach. The song also includes the phrase "love on you," which is only found in country songs. The chorus tells us that there's no telling what this couple will find on a lost weekend. I'm guessing it's either the g-spot or the bald man in the boat. ...I'm sorry, first I called Jewel retarded and now I'm defiling Gabe's totally innocent song. I'm going camping (for the first time ever!) with dirty hippies at a folk festival in a few days, and it's really made me testy. Pray for me. (And also, if you're going to be at Falcon Ridge...come say hi! I love dirty hippies! I'll be the one maniacally trying to clean myself with baby wipes and complaining a lot and singing "You Were Meant for Me" in a baby voice around the campfire.)
Jeffrey is still mad that he can't chew out someone's ass, like that couple did on the lost weekend. He really liked Gabe's song. John liked it too, and says the song sounds like it could be a big old hit. But he cautions that Gabe is actually up against the finest in country music should he win this show. His performance skills are still problematic. As, I would say, is the copious amount of makeup he's sporting. Jewel says that everyone wants a radio hit, but also not to sound too generic. She wants Gabe to keep walking that line as he writes songs. Yeah, throw in some lines about making facial expressions with your breakfast food or something, you hack.
So, this all of course means that it's Ashlee Hewitt and Shawn Mayer in the final two. Both will get to perform before we learn who is eliminated. Ashlee is up first. She'll be performing her original song -- wait for it -- "Mike's Hard Lemonade." Ashlee is very excited to get to showcase who she is as an artist. She's been writing songs since she was ten years old, she says. I think this is one of those songs that she wrote when she was actually ten. She tells us that it's a little bit naughty -- yes, shove the children out of the room, it has the word "hickey" in it! John Rich tells her to enunciate once in a while. For reals, man. Ashlee tells us that writing is one of her strongest abilities. I actually think she means penmanship. Straight A's in third grade! Ashlee performs, and I'm sorry, but this song is not good. It's about a girl who totally gives up her maidenhood to some scumbag cowboy in the back of a truck because she got wasted on Mike's Hard Lemonade. At the very least I guess Mike's could make this their new theme song. The devirginizing is always a fun twist, and it might make people believe that Mike's Hard Lemonade can actually get you drunk. Ashlee is so pretty, and I'm sure she's a lovely person and all, but in the context of this show she's really just terrible.
And yet, mysteriously, the judges love it AGAIN! Jewel says again that Ashlee is the one person on the show who feels like an artist. Yeah, the artistry in that song is really overwhelming. Are we sure she isn't Joni Mitchell's other secret love child given up for adoption? You know, the one she had from her ménage a trois with Bob Dylan and Townes van Zandt? (On a side note: could you imagine THAT awesome version of My Two Dads?) Jewel would love to work with Ashlee, and says that the song was great. Argh. Jeffrey reiterates that the level of talent on this show is so high. He says he loved it. John tells Ashlee that should she be gone tonight, Nashville would be a fool not to give her a record deal and put her music on the radio. Jeffrey agrees. I don't even know what to say about all this. Is it just me that thinks she's so bad? Billy Ray has to make the special point that the call-in numbers to vote begin with "866" and not "800" or "888," I guess because Ashlee's fans do not have great numerical comprehension.
Shawn Mayer is last to sing. I love her and you can't make me stop. She's not the greatest singer in the world, and I don't think she has a chance of winning, but I continue to enjoy her pluck. Her song is called, "I'm Not Looking Back." She is super emotional to be on the Opry stage. She explains that the song she's singing is about the love of her life. She moved to Nashville to pursue her dream, and he stayed in Iowa, so she let him go. It was the hardest time of her life, and the song resulted. Jeffrey tells us that he was seriously impressed by her song, and that she's got mad skills as a writer. Shawn performs, and immediately invokes the Debbie Gibson classic, "Lost in Your Eyes." The song is one of those big ole' country ballads that Reba McEntire would sing, and have a corresponding video where she wore a lot of crazy hats. It definitely sounds like country crossover, too. It's not super-original or anything, but it's a solid song. I think it's a little too big for Shawn's voice, but she's sincere when she sings it.
John says that the last two weeks have been slam dunks for Shawn, and if she goes this week it's just a matter of bad timing. Jewel again tells Shawn that she's got a Priscilla Presley thing going on. It's a comment so nice, she had to say it twice. Jewel thinks that this shows Shawn's strong suit -- she's dangerous, and she's best on her own material. Jeffrey seems to sincerely love the song, and says it could be cut by Faith Hill or Martina McBride. No matter what anyone tells her, he says, she has a career in this town and is a great songwriter. Oh, good for her.
And then it's time to learn who will be eliminated. Ashlee and Shawn giggle madly as Billy Ray throws out one of his trademark pregnant pauses. As it happens, Ashlee is eliminated! Oh, joy! It's nothing personal, but she just really has not been good, and I totally have a soft spot for Shawn. Ashlee gets teary as the crowd gives her a standing ovation. She says she's not disappointed. This has been a great experience, and she's not stopping here. She thanks her fans, and says the show has been a huge steppingstone to the start of her career. John Rich tells her that he never won a competition in his life. He thinks she's a genuine stylist, and genuinely sweet, and that her fans should go to MySpace to download her music. I actually would be somewhat interested to hear recorded versions of her songs.
And then, I guess week is the finals! Who knew?
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