It's love song night on Nashville Star! So grab your honey and be prepared to wonder why you ever thought romance was romantic in the first place. It's the soundtrack of our lives, if our lives were really off-pitch and boring.
Billy Ray Cyrus seems to have either a rasta headband or a scrunchie wrapped around his wrist. I suppose it's to his credit that I could make a legitimate case for it being either. It appears that he's maybe had an Ogilvie home perm (or perhaps body wave) since last week, which makes me lean toward the scrunchie theory.
The first contestant who is safe and called to perform is Ashlee Hewitt, and she'll be singing the Dixie Chicks classic, "Cowboy Take Me Away." I do love pretty much everything by the Dixie Chicks, so think it's a good choice. Ashlee says it's a good song for her because she's young and has never been in love. She thinks that there's someone who's -- wait for it -- meant for her. Who likes it when she brushes her teeth and puts the cap back on, and also turns out the light and saves a few cents on the electric bill. Every night she puts on her pj's, hops into bed, and dreams of this person, half alive but feeling mostly dead. Romance! I can't get enough. Ashlee thinks that her future cowboy might be watching tonight. She should put her profile on cowboyeeeharmony.com.
But oof -- let's hope that if said cowboy is watching this he's hard of hearing and enjoying the episode via captioning. Again, it's like Luanne from King of the Hill doing karaoke at the backyard barbeque. Is she kidding me with this? The judges give her their critique. As Ashlee is Jewel Junior, Jewel of course liked it. She praises Ashlee for using the crack in her voice, and John Rich pounces on this and asks if Jewel is saying that Ashlee's on crack. Show me the receipts, John Rich. Jeffrey Steele liked it too even though he acknowledges that she biffed some notes. John Rich says that she looked more comfortable this week, which shows him that she's growing. He says it was a great performance. No it wasn't! Argh. I mean, whatever, she's sweet and pretty but that sucked. Why won't the judges admit it? Ashlee tells Katie Cook, who is becoming more of a Mary Hart clone every week, that being in the bottom two last week made her step up her game. Suuuuure, I can really tell.
And then we're treated to the moment we've been waiting for -- the American Gladiators
Number One Splashdown. What the eff is even happening? Like a circle in a circle, like a wheel within a wheel. Basically what I'm saying is that I feel like maybe I accidentally ingested some acid. I kind of miss the point in time when the highlight of my Monday night was "accidentally" stumbling upon Wife Swap.
The finalist who is safe is Gabe Garcia. He'll be performing "Must Be Doing Something Right," by a gentleman named Billy Currington. Now, I had never heard of Billy Currington but did a little research into the matter. Apparently Billy Currington is a fan of: 1) the "Wicked Game" video; 2) porn; 3) looking really queer and like a scary psycho killer all at once. I think this whole song is about Billy Currington fumbling his way through his first cunnilingual experience. It's all, "Hmmm, I guess that worked." There's a lyric all about writing the alphabet with your tongue. But I digress. Oh, Gabe. He has an ex-girlfriend he left in Texas to come pursue his dream. That was their song. I guess Gabe learned a lot about the art of pleasing a lady in their tenure together. He still loves his ex-girlfriend, who is a total hottie. What's not to love? When she sees him singing this song, says Gabe, she'll know he's thinking of her. Of her sitting on his face, specifically.
Gabe sounds great. He makes a pretty convincing crooner, and is absolutely, along with Melissa, one of the few really consistent performers. I would love for him to go on What Not to Wear, though. Jeffrey Steele tells Gabe that if America's really going to vote for the great country singer, he has a real chance of winning. He's getting better and better. John Rich -- who, by the way, is wearing a velvet blazer -- tells us that when he learned that NBC would be picking the talent for Nashville Star he was very concerned. And I mean, those fears were kind of founded, right? Right. John Rich says that some very questionable choices were made for this season. However, when John sees a performance like Gabe's, it tells him that even the bigwigs in New York City -- who sign my checks, so woo! I heart bigwigs! -- are starting to get a clue about what makes great country music and who could be a superstar. Jewel still wants Gabe to be a lothario. John Rich opines that Jewel is in love with Gabe. Jewel takes this opportune moment to compliment Gabe on his belt buckle... which is I guess reflected in his eyes? Because why would she be looking at his crotch if she weren't actually in love with him? No, it's actually because Jewel's boyfriend, rodeo champ Ty Murray, gave the belt buckle to Gabe. Gabe seems really honored to wear suck a buckle. I am so bored right now.
The safe contestant is -- I shit you not -- Cof-FAY, singing Tim McGraw and Faith Hill's "It's Your Love." Well, at least it's not that gross "Let's Make Love" song that they sing. Cof-FAY tells us that this song brought up a lot of emotions about the death of his mom. And did you know, by the way, that he has an adorable daughter? Cof-FAY starts crying, and then says that this is the first time in his life that he's let people in. And who better to let in than all of America, or the three people who are watching this show in addition to me? Coffey sounds really weird and flat and goat-vibratoed in his performance. It suuuuuuuuucks. Oh, and then the motherfucker totally squeezes out some tears. Unfortunately, a perfect one does not trickle down his cheek "Nothing Compares 2 U" style as the song ends. So, let me clarify. There are no tears on his face. And yet, he very obviously wipes his face of tears. If John Rich has a true ball in his sac he's totally going to call Cof-FAY on this. Jeffrey Steele tells Coffey that up until now he's had a lot of charisma, but he hasn't been sold on what Coffey has done. And yet, even though there were many pitch problems, tonight Jeffrey Steele is kind of into Coffey! The heck? That was terrible! And then John Rich agrees with Jeffrey Steele! He commends Coffey on the emotion in the song. He just proved he was a real human being, says John. Jewel thanks Coffey. Seriously? She just thanked him for making our ears bleed? Oh, God, and then Jewel spouts off on how music is healing and has healed all the sorrows in her heart. You know, like the time she lived in her van or was born with small hands or what the fuck ever. It means the world that Coffey let the audience see an authentic, real emotional experience. Maybe I am just a cynical hag. I mean, yes, I am, but maybe even more than I thought. I buy it, like, 20%, but there's no way he wasn't playing that up. Right?
Mary Hart Junior asks Shawn if she thinks she might be going home tonight. Uh, yeah.
The safe contestant is Melissa Lawson. Oh, good times. She'll be singing "My Baby Loves Me," by Martina McBride. Melissa is of course thinking about her husband during love song week, because he loves her no matter how fat she is. I mean, seriously, that's what she says. A photo montage not only shows their love, but Melissa's spiky red hair of days yore! Melissa tells her husband that she's singing not only for America's vote, but to him. But mostly for America's vote. Melissa's crazy eyes are in full force, but she sounds really great, and it's nice to get an up-tempo song on this night. Melissa also seems more and more comfortable on stage, which is nice. And seriously, the bitch can sing. There's not a note awry. She gets my vote for serious.
Jewel was initially concerned because of the song choice, since there are better Martina McBride songs for belters. She tells Melissa that she did a great job with the song, and adds that she really needed it this week. She did? Wasn't she, like, the top vote getter last week? What the eff is Jewel even talking about? Jeffrey thinks that the performance was a bit over the top for him, but there's no doubt that she has the pipes and knocks it out of the park every time. He hopes that America doesn't think that Melissa has it in the bag and get lazy with the voting. John Rich thinks that Melissa oversang it. No, she didn't. She over crazy-eyed it. He agrees that Melissa is the most powerful singer on the show, and that math would say she ought to win the show. However, he doesn't want her to think that she's already won the show. She interjects that she doesn't take a single moment for granted on the stage, then adds that John told her to kill it, and so she came out there and killed it. He thinks she overkilled it. Jewel disagrees, and so does Billy Ray, who thinks she was wild and wonderful and big and bold and beautiful.
Now, of course, in the bottom two we have Shawn Mayer and Laura & Sophie. Mary Hart Junior asks Laura and Sophie -- who are not dressed identically except for their go-go boots! -- if it's hard to perform knowing it might be their last time on stage. Braceless says they're going to do their best, and hopefully if they go out they'll go out with a bang. Mary Hart Junior asks Shawn where she would rank herself. Shawn doesn't take the bait, and says that she'll fight no matter what -- whether it's in the competition or out in the world.
Laura and Sophie are up first, singing "Picture to Burn," which Taylor Swift sang on this show a few weeks ago. Braces says that this song is perfect for any situation that she's been in. She burns pictures of ex-boyfriends, Hillary Clinton, her mom, Jewel, her dogs, Braceless. Right after sticking pins in them, of course. Braceless tells us that she had a boyfriend her freshman year who pretty much ruined her relationship with Braces for six months. And every guy Braces has been with has pretty much screwed her over. Only 16 and already so bitter! Braceless tells us that relationships come and go but friends are forever. I see these two in sort of an all-friend version of Grey Gardens in about 50 years. Don't forget to feed the raccoons, Braces!
Laura & Sophie actually sound pretty good for them. They should have been singing teen-pop-country all along! Oh, man, and then we get to the judges' critiques. John Rich can't even comment on their performance because he's so upset about last week. He'd like an explanation -- as would MILLIONS of people, apparently -- as to why Braceless thinks it's okay to roll her eyes and disrespect Jewel ---yes, the legendary queen of country herself, Jewel -- on national television. Braceless says that she didn't even know she was doing it, and apologizes. Now, see, if I were Braceless, I would figure that I was probably going to go home and had nothing to lose tonight and say that Jewel was being a motherfucking stank and deserved a punch in the throat, so was in fact lucky that she only got the eye roll. I have been a bit inspired by seeing Lucinda Williams this past weekend tell an audience member who yelled, "Play some Pink Floyd!" that if he didn't like what he was motherfucking hearing he could motherfucking leave. THAT is country, motherfuckers. Jewel, who tries to pretend that she's not pissed about The Incident That Shook All Of Nashville To Its Foundations, but is obviously totally pissed nonetheless, says that maybe Braceless was having a seizure. Only kindness matters, right? She tells the girls that they look better than they've looked, but their harmonies have consistently gotten worse and that they suck all around. Jeffrey tells the girls that they look really grown-up, and he hopes it can carry them to the end. He says that it wasn't a great performance. The judges just hate them. I mean, I do too, but they were totally better than Ashlee and Cof-FAY. You know Braces is going to beat Braceless with wire hangers backstage for pissing off the judges with the eye roll.
This leaves Shawn Mayer to sing. I think she is on happy pills, because she just keeps smiling and laughing. Billy Ray tells us that Shawn told him it doesn't even matter what happens tonight, because George Jones is in the audience. Get out! I mean, frankly I'm a little surprised that George Jones is still alive, and I love George Jones. They don't cut to George Jones, which leads me to believe that he maybe sent himself a bouquet of wine colored roses, if you know what I mean. Shawn will be singing, "Before He Cheats," which she explains is about love... gone bad. Shawn has had boyfriends cheat in the past, which of course makes you feel like somebody stepped on your heart with his cowboy boots. Shawn is out there representing for all the folks who have been done wrong.
Shawn is out there in her black pants and black bedazzled leather jacket looking very quasi-metal, or at least very Cher in her metal quasi-phase. Her cleavage is also bangin'. I have admitted in the past that I'm partial to Shawn, and it still holds true. The performance is somewhat bad-ass, even though I'm so sick of this song I can't even tell you. I also don't think it's necessarily the kind of song that's best for her voice, but she's working it for all it's worth. She does a good job. Jewel notes that Shawn has gotten a lot more comfortable, and this show has been all about her finding her own light and learning to love herself. Truly, Nashville Star is the greatest love of all. She sounded confident, sang great, and looked a little like Priscilla Presley. John Rich is coming out of his seat right now, because this is the performance he's wanted to see from her the entire season. He loved it, and says this is the Shawn Mayer who has a chance to win the show. Jeffrey tells her that she was bad-ass and put all the tears she was crying backstage into her performance. She killed it, he says. Shawn looks awfully happy, even in the face of elimination.
And then, it's time to learn who gets the axe. It's Laura & Sophie! Oh, huzzah. There's no better time to go punch Jewel in the throat, I say. Billy Ray asks them what's going on in their minds. Braces Tracy Flicks that it was an amazing experience and she loves everyone in the cast. Braceless doesn't get to talk, because she spoke every word in her vocabulary in a singular eye roll. We are reminded of Laura & Sophie's questionable fashion choices, and their crumbling friendship. Jeffrey tells the girls that if they can hold their friendship together, there might be big things down the road in a couple of years. In any case, Shawn Mayer is safe, yay!