It's episode five, and we're down to a streamlined hour. We also get previews, and are promised some interpersonal conflicts and potential breakdowns and tears in the beer and the like. Nashville Star hasn't cut all the fat, however, as Billy Ray Cyrus remains in the role of host. Although his foil highlights budget remains intact, we might imagine that there have been cuts in wardrobe, as he appears to be wearing a blazer fashioned out of old Hefty bags. It's a look that suits him.
Oh, and then it's time to eliminate someone right off the bat, just like we were promised! Billy Ray calls Melissa first, followed by Tommy. One of these, he tells us, was the top vote getter and will perform first. The other got the lowest amount of votes, and will be eliminated. And, I mean, duh. Tommy gets the military issue boot. Tommy held promise early on, but then kind of started sucking. Billy Ray asks him to reflect upon his experience, and Tommy says that he's made a statement not just for himself, but for the Navy and the military. And the statement is this: "If you've got a dream, and you dream of it every single day, and you wanna be that, then you can do it. It's not far away." For the Reverend Martin Luther King: sing. Apparently Tommy's dream was to get back on a boat in Japan, huh? Jewel's heart is breaking, and she commends Tommy for being himself and not pandering. She's proud of him. Billy Ray takes this opportunity to remind us that he wrote that horrible song called "Some Gave All." In contrast, Billy Ray gives the least acceptable amount possible to scrape by. Seriously, can he not memorize ONE LINE? It's really aggrieving me how he can't look anyone in the face when he says something to him because he's so glued to the teleprompter.
But let's forget poor Tommy and dastardly Billy Ray, because it's time for Melissa to sing! In her mentoring video, John Rich says that Melissa has the capacity to be a world-class artist. In part, apparently, because she's getting skinnier. I think John Rich wants to bone her. Melissa then sings "Danny's Song." This brings back so many memories of watching Anne Murray infomercials. Her performance is good and has a few really nice moments, but it's not a knockout like the last couple of weeks. She goes super-sharp at the last moment but the crowd is already clapping so I'm not sure if anyone heard. Jewel notes that the song started a little too low, but the crowd responded when Melissa stepped it up. She then asks if Melissa, with her rather large family, is really ready for the demands of making a record. Melissa says they are, and in fact have been waiting and planning for 19 years. Jeffrey loves Melissa. John Rich notes that she maybe got a little nervy, but he agrees with Jeff that Melissa is, if not the best, at the top of the heap. He has big hopes for her. Any hopes that we had for Billy Ray not being a huge douche are erased as he tells a story of how one of Melissa's sons reached out to him as he was signing autographs, then asked where Hannah Montana was. He spins a fascinating yarn, doesn't he?
Someone named Granny Rich is in the audience. I guess that's John Rich's grandma? Or mother? If that's the case, then sadly she has to bear part of the blame. Billy Ray announces that the act that is safe is Laura and Sophie. Color me surprised! I thought they might be goners. Their mentoring video gets a little dramatic as we learn that Laura & Sophie are being plagued by interpersonal conflict. Laura (or Sophie?) -- the one with the braces -- cracks on Sophie (or Laura?) -- the one without braces -- for crying all the time, and the braceless one fires back that she's been aggravated with the other one for six weeks! Jeffrey Steele is thinking that he doesn't get paid enough for this as he asks if the two really want to do this together. Braces gives a halfhearted, "yeah," before noting that she doesn't feel the same way about Braceless as she used to. Braceless tearfully gets up and leaves in a huff. Then Braces starts crying too. I think that the fault lies with Braces alone. Braceless seems perfectly likeable, and is in fact the more palatable singer. Braces not only looks but sounds nasal. Jeffrey tells them to get it together, because friendship is what makes this act work. That, and the fact that kiddie porn has a stranglehold on the national imagination.
Laura & Sophie sing "Walkin' After Midnight." They start off the performance holding hands, and are actually not entirely wearing identical outfits! Braceless actually looks really hot. The performance is a mixed bag. Braces hits a painful harmony note at the end, and the girls' awkward attempts at being sexy just make the whole thing feel wronger. John Rich tells them they're like band camp. He doesn't think they're ready at any capacity to take a run at the big time. Braceless asks if it's because they're still in high school, and John Rich tells them it's because mentally they're still child-like and are crybabies as well. It's so true. Jewel says that personally, she thinks they need to go home and develop a bit more. John Rich adds that it would be for their own good. Braceless backtalks a bit, to no effect. Jeffrey asks if they're cool, and the girls say they're perfect. He still believes in them, he tells them, but looks kind of weird and stressed while saying it. That is because it is lies. I'm totally with Jewel and John Rich for not having any patience for this shit.
The contestant who is safe is Gabe Garcia. In his mentoring video, Jewel says that she keeps looking for Gabe's passion. Gabe works on Keith Urban's "Somebody Like You," and Jewel tells him that the audience is his lover. Why is she so gross with him all the time? She totally wants to bang him in the butt. After he takes dance lessons, that is. Gabe is ready to do every stupid thing that Jewel suggests if it means he might win. On stage, Gabe actually does appear to kind of bop a little more. I have to admit to finding this song to be a little slice of heaven. It just has such a good feel and energy to it. I think it's hard to go wrong. At one point Gabe awkwardly puts his guitar to his side and walks around and tries to convince the audience that it wants to be his lover. It works, because he gets a standing ovation. Jeffrey tells him that he's a ten. John Rich says in Spanish that that was hotter than a bull. John Rich totally wants to bang Gabe in the butt, too! Jewel says he did a great job, and she's going to keep stepping him up because she wants him to make it to the end.
We learn that Shawn Mayer is safe. She'll be singing "The First Cut Is the Deepest." Oof. In the mentoring video, we see Shawn breaking down backstage after John Rich told her on-air last week that she wasn't competitive enough to take it to the top. She's sick of coming into mentoring sessions and being told that she sucks. John Rich's response: "Do ya want me to lie to ya?" Man, he is really harsh. She doesn't think that he's working as her mentor, and thus fires him. She calls Jeff, and he agrees to be her mentor. Her performance seems okay. I hate this song so much that it's really hard to be objective. Jewel tells Shawn that it takes a lot of guts to fire John Rich, and says that she told John from the beginning to be gentle with her. And then I think Jewel actually says that she's worked with a lot of talented people, and John is really talented, but that she -- she being Jewel, herself -- wasn't a good match for him. Innnnteresting! She congratulates Shawn for sticking up for herself. John congratulates her for sticking up for herself, too, but thinks the song was still a five out of ten. Jeffrey tells Shawn to keep her tears backstage, and/or to put them into the song. He's proud of her, but she has a long way to go.
And then, surprise! The safe contestant is Cof-FAY, which means that Pearl Heart and Ashlee are up for elimination. Coffey is so terrible! It's moments like these that convince me that January we'll be welcoming President McCain to the White House. In the mentoring video, Jewel and Coffey work on taking things to the level. He's ready to go out and sing his best and let America decide. He sings "Proud Mary." It actually sounds a lot better than his songs of weeks past, but he really cheeses it up by knocking over his mic stand and jumping into the crowd. Jeffrey says that there's a lot of hype coming from those pipes. Coffey stepped it up, he says, but has a long way to go. John Rich thinks that Coffey's stage antics are made to distract from some lackluster singing. He thinks that Coffey is a likable and talented guy, but he's still not buying it. Jewel notes that America disagrees with John Rich. She still thinks that Coffey needs to do a ballad. Billy Ray throws us to commercial by saying that if Tina Turner is watching tonight, she's smiling at Coffey's performance. If Tina Turner is watching tonight, I in fact bet she's wishing that her advanced age came with some temporary hearing impairment.
So, we're down to Pearl Heart and Ashlee Hewitt. They all look nervous. Each act will get a chance to perform, and then learn their fates. Ashlee is singing first. In her mentoring video, John Rich advises her to sing "Take the Money and Run," because she hasn't yet thrown a party onstage. He also wants her to get the audience involved on the "Whoo whoo whoo"s. Ashlee wants to perform barefoot. Oh, she's one of those. And then, in a bit of a twist, I actually like Ashlee a bit more on this song than usual. She rocks it out and relies less on some of her weird vocal tics. Jewel tells Ashlee that she's one of her favorites, and one of the only contestants who really feels like an artist. Jeffrey didn't like the performance, even though he loves Ashlee. He thinks Ashlee is going to be around for a while, and just needs to be herself. John Rich likes her bare feet, and also thinks Ashlee pulled the whole thing off wonderfully. He also thinks there's been a mathematical error, and that Ashlee Hewitt is going to be in the final rounds of Nashville Star. Oh, the poor Pearl Heart girls! Everyone thinks they're goners.
And speaking of, in Pearl Heart's mentoring video, Jeffrey tells them that they need a little trickery and shimmer. How about they start by nailing their harmonies? Jeffrey suggests that they do "Ain't Going Down 'Till the Sun Comes Up," all playing the electric guitar. They look nervous, but he says it's a risk they have to take. If they screw up on the guitar, says Jeffrey, it's going to be awful. He adds that it's easily possible for them to fail. Well, that's heartening. He calls it a defining moment. Last week was also a defining moment, and in fact it looks like it defined their route home. But lo, they actually sound GREAT! The guitar part they play is really small, so I think Jeffrey was being a little bit of a drama queen. John Rich is forced to yell out a "holy moley." It was awesome, he says, and he wonders what happened to Pearl Heart. He calls it the best performance of the season. Jewel tells Pearl Heart that they have outworked and outpracticed Laura & Sophie, and are tight and clear about what they're doing. It kills her that they're in the bottom two and Laura & Sophie aren't. We then cut to Braceless rolling her eyes all the way back in her head. Well, I guess we've just learned that she's a salty bitch, too. Those two are hateful, aren't they? Jeffrey is so proud, and commends Pearl Heart's work ethnic. They really stepped it up, and he can't believe they're in the bottom two either. The crying twin starts getting teary, because she thinks they're goners.
And then it's time for the official results. After a long, long pause, Billy Ray announces that Pearl Heart is going home. It's really too bad. They seem like the sweetest girls, and tonight I think they really showed that they have potential. The one twin says that it was a privilege to meet all the other folks on the show, and adds that they'll be rooting for all of them. The other twin starts to talk, but Billy Ray just cuts her off to introduce the homegoing montage. He throws it to Jeffrey for a final comment. Jeffrey says that apparently America didn't think Pearl Heart was good enough to cut it, but they know his address and where his studio is. He thinks they're a huge hit recording act and says he'll take it on any day of the week. They had a great work ethic, and he's sorry to see them go. I am, too, even though I really didn't like their performances until this week. We flash by the final six during the outro, and Laura & Sophie look wretched. Please, America, put them out of their misery!
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