Hey, everyone! Or, hey tens of people who are reading this. Seriously, introduce a buddy to the joy of reading Nashville Star recaps! Your conscience will thank you.
There are skanks in denim cutoffs bopping around on stage. This of course means that it's...pop goes country week! As opposed to the other weeks, when people were singing "Bubbly," and "Drops of Jupiter," and freaking John Mayer songs. Announcer Katie Cook introduces host Billy Ray Cyrus, who is very glad we're here. One thing you can say about Billy Ray Cyrus is that he is apparently literate. You can tell by the way he squints at the teleprompter.
This week, they appear getting the elimination over with at the top of the show. Billy tells the following people to step forward: Tommy and Gabe. One is one of last week's top vote getters, while the other faces elimination. And the person up for elimination is Tommy. Oh, wait, they're still going to torture him through the entire show. But first they're going to torture US as the final ten sing "Like a Prayer." Life is a mystery, indeed. Melissa starts off singing lead, and then some serious off-key harmony caterwauling begins. Tommy gets a solo and it's pretty terrible, Alyson sounds pretty good, Gabe Garcia was not meant to sing Madonna, Laura & Sophie are freaking horrible, and then -- I shit you not -- there is a gospel choir. Coffey and Ashley continue the pattern of being terrible. Oh, God, and then Justin the male model. I don't even have to tell you how that goes. Pearl Heart is pretty decent, and then Shawn Mayer does her impression of Cher singing "Like a Prayer." I always thought the group numbers on Idol were the worst. Now I know better.
We get some clips of John Rich berating the contestants after last week's show. Everyone talks about how hard it will be to sing pop songs. Oh, I'm so sure. John Rich tells them that they'll have to do it, or go down in a ball of fire. It is apparently "Take Your Nashville Star Mentees to Work" day, because John Rich is going to take the lady singers to his bar, "The Spot," Jeffrey Steele is taking the groups to his recording studio, and Jewel is bringing the guys to her appearance on The Tonight Show. All of the mentors talk up the "pop goes country" theme. What could possibly happen when these two vastly different worlds collide? Will LeAnn Rimes and Faith Hill suddenly be named co-rulers of the globe?
Gabe Garcia gets to sing first. And what is he singing, you may ask? "La Vida Loca." If he can shake his booty like Ricky Martin, he might stand a chance. In the mentoring video, Jewel says that Gabe can display more charisma if he tells a story with the lyrics. Yeah, like he can look all creepy when he talks about being into superstition, and slightly stunned when he talks about lips being devil rays. Gabe starts, and though I was a little skeptical at first, he really wins me over. Or maybe I am so entranced by the skank dancers that I would like anything at this point. But no, the judges love him, so he must have been good! They still push him to loosen up a bit, but think he pulled off the performance in a big way.
Billy Ray calls Pearl Heart. They're safe and they're performing "Love Shack." In their mentoring video, Jeffrey wants the twin sisters to better support the sister who sings the lead, and everyone to get less stiff. The lead singer has a crisis about the fact that she doesn't think she can appropriately shout, "Knock a little louder, sugar." The girls perform, and I have to say that this song lends itself to a country arrangement better than you'd think. They sound pretty good too, even if they still look a little awkward. John Rich thinks that they were great, except that they looked at each other more than they looked at the audience. The poor younger sister gets more lip about becoming a convincing front woman from Jewel. Jeffrey tells them to make a heart out of the triangle. What does that even mean? Anyway, they did a good job.
The contestant who is safe is Alyson Gilbert. She will be performing Tiffany's version of "I Think We're Alone Now." We revisit Alyson's journey from sucking to being really good. She is in love with her own comeback. John Rich tells her she needs to be more consistent, and is also a bit confounded by her choice of the ultimate bubblegum pop song. He suggests that she speed it up, though she wants to slow it down. Eventually, they decide up on something mid-tempo. She's a little pitchy in spots, and isn't hitting the bust out notes dead on. At the beginning she had some timing issues, too. I think she's actually one of the better singers, but that performance was pretty blah. Jewel points out that it was pitchy, and that she looked uncomfortable in her shoes. Jeffrey is rooting for her, but wasn't crazy about the performance. John Rich tells Alyson that she took it to a vanilla, mediocre spot rather than rocking it. I generally think he's an asshole, but he's totally right. He hated it. She looks really sad and defeated again. Awww.
We learn that Ashlee Hewitt is also safe. And she'll be singing, "(You Drive Me) Crazy," by Britney Spears. If you go for Britney, you can at least sing "Toxic." John Rich gives her instruction in turning her body to the left and the right. He wants her to rock hard. She says she can do it. However, she also worries that it could be cheesy, and works really hard on her arrangement. She works her jailbait ways on stage to mixed effect. The performance is pretty good, but she's just not one of my favorites at this point. Jewel sees Ashlee as a mini-me, and thinks she did a good job. She also gently suggests that Ashlee stick to a more natural look. Jeffrey notes that even though she was uncomfortable, she's got the goods. John Rich thinks she's getting consistently better every week. Billy Ray quips that Ashlee's performance was so good, it made him want to shave his head. Way to mercilessly mock the poor girl whose rise to an insane level of fame and notoriety at a young age with the help of her greedy ass parents turned her into a bloated clinical nightmare, pops. That one certainly will never come back to bite you in the ass.
The safe contestant is Coffey, and he'll be singing "Umbrella." Ella, ella. Jewel calls him Cof-FAY in the mentoring video. I guess that's his name now, as he refers to himself as Cof-FAY later on, too. She also says he can't fake his way through by being a handsome, charismatic guy. Yeah, that never works for anyone. Coffey is singing this song for his daughter, Savannah. He has some hand and arm and ear tugging signals for her. He looks like the cutest gay cowboy Village People member in the world, but his performance is just weird. He keeps shouting things between the various lines of lyrics. The hell? Jeffrey realizes that the audience loves Cof-FAY, but he thinks Cof-FAY is total crap. John Rich liked it though. He tells Cof-FAY that he's a country soul singer. Jewel liked it overall, but tells Cof-FAY to choose his moments of gimmick wisely. Why is Jeffrey Steele the only one who realized how dastardly terrible that performance was?
Billy Ray tells us that the safe contestants are Laura & Sophie. And they're singing Michael Jackson's "P.Y.T."!!!!! I would love it more if they rocked "The Girl Is Mine," because the spoken word interlude would be priceless. "Sophie, I think I told you... I'm a lover not a fighter." But "P.Y.T." is pretty awesome, too. They're not so sure about the choice at first, but once Jeffrey shares his arrangement ideas they're into it. Laura & Sophie share that the stress of the competition has put a strain on their friendship. It has not, however, stopped them from dressing in identical '80s homecoming dresses. WTF? These two creep me the hell out. Who is this pretty young thing they want to love? Does she dress in an outfit identical to theirs, too? I thought the whole performance was a little rough, even though the arrangement is really interesting. John Rich likes it, and says that Michael Jackson should be watching this show. If the Jonas Brothers had sung that song, his interest might be piqued, but something tells me that Jacko was content to clip his toenails in Dubai or Vegas or whatever fresh hell he now resides in. John Rich says that when they repeated lines, it turned him on. Musically. You just take it down a notch there, Chester. Jewel tells the girls that they're very lucky to have Jeffrey as their mentor, because the arrangement was amazing. They sang okay, too. She thinks they're going from a weirdo novelty act to something more relevant. Jeffrey is proud of them, and blown away by their performance. Billy Ray quips that he can't get over the fact that Michael Jackson sang a song called "Pretty Young Thing." Well, Macaulay Culkin WAS adorable. Laura and Sophie look delightfully scandalized.
we are treated to a performance by Danity Kane. I have to confess that I really don't understand who these women are. I mean, I've heard the name, but I just don't comprehend. They seem kind of like the Pussycat Dolls, except maybe more than one of them can actually sing. Well, "sing." And no one looks like a complete tranny. Still, it is a bit of an ear-bleeding experience.
With four contestants left, we learn that Shawn Mayer is safe and performing the N'Sync classic "Bye Bye Bye." John Rich rolls his eyes about the fact that Shawn has once again picked a risky song. It's a ballsy choice, and she's a ballsy girl. He likes that about her, but is also nervous about her prospects. In her performance, Shawn plays her guitar for a hot second, then does a little two step with the weird backup dancers. I can't help but admire her pluck just a bit. The performance was good, too. She starts crying afterwards, of happiness. Jewel tells her that she pulled off the dancing, and she made the song country. She's also glad that Shawn wasn't as sad as usual tonight. Jeffrey didn't think it was very country, and also notes that it was a little too ambitious. He wants to see the real Shawn, and thinks it's going to be bye, bye, bye for her. He couldn't WAIT to use that line. John Rich says that the most country and most American thing about Shawn is that she's not scared of anything. He doesn't think her performance was perfect, but she gets credit for taking chances. If she can get better each week, she has a chance of doing something great. The "if she can get better" part is key. Jewel adds that she hopes America keeps Shawn around until the original songs week. I bet she has written some good tunes.
So, it's now time to learn if Melissa or Justin will be joining Tommy in the bottom two. It's Justin. I mean, thank God. Oooh! And Melissa, who is safe, will be performing "True Colors." That song is the greatest. John Rich tells us that Melissa can sing for real, but that she can also fall flat on her face. Melissa's having a hard time being away from her family, but is prepared to focus on the competition and give a 10 instead of a 7.5. Her performance is pretty awesome, in large part because she's opted not to scream the whole time. When she uses some restraint, she has a voice that's gorgeous and powerful and really pleasant to listen to. Girl has hit her stride. The one weird thing is that she doesn't sing the "like a rainbow" at the end. I hope this isn't because country music hates the gays! But it probably is. The gays have tried to reciprocate, but ultimately are suckers for a good line dance. Melissa gets a huge standing ovation. Jewel says that she's heard people some people wonder 1) if Melissa is a great singer; 2) if Melissa is a country singer. Jewel tells her that she's a great country singer. Jeffrey Steele wants to know what happened to Melissa. What he means is that she looks like she lost 40 pounds. Apparently, she's actually lost 67. While we're talking about numbers, Jeffrey tells her that her performance was a 10. John Rich thinks that Melissa is a great artist in addition to being a great singer. She is happy as a clam -- a skinnier clam! Who is beautiful like a rainbow. Suck it, gay haters.
It's time for Justin to sing his song -- "Girls Just Want to Have Fun." Well, he would know. Mad props to Cyndi Lauper, though - I hope she's getting royalties from this! In the mentoring video, Jewel tells us that it's no secret that what Justin needs to work on is his voice. How inconvenient that he's entered a singing contest. Once Jewel learns what Justin's song is, she tells us unequivocally that he's in danger. Justin performs, changing all the "I"s to "she"s. The backup dancers are wearing pajamas, thus fulfilling Jeffrey's dream. Justin actually starts off okay, utilizing his trademark limited range. He looks cute as hell, and the performance is much better than I expected. It's a decent country arrangement, too. John Rich tells him that he definitely showed some improvement, and also sounded like a country singer. John hopes it's not too late for him. Jeffrey makes a comment about the girls in pajamas, of course, and reluctantly tells Justin that he did a great job. Jewel tells Justin that he's most improved, and she's very proud of him and how hard he worked.
Finally, there's Tommy Stanley, who will be performing Michael Sambello's "Maniac." Let us hope he gets doused by a bucket of water. Jewel wonders if he can make this country. Tommy struggles in rehearsals, and tells us that he needs to nail it this week. He starts singing and sounds pretty okay, with a single dancer doing some ballet moves accompanying him hilariously. When the chorus kicks in things get a little shakier. Overall the vocal is good, but it doesn't sound one bit like a country song. Jeffrey says that he loved Tommy's glory note, but this didn't get his country bone going. John Rich agrees with this dubious word choice, and tells him it's more like pop goes pop than pop goes country. John Rich asks Tommy if he thinks he can convincingly do a country album. Tommy is confident that he can. Jewel notes that Justin out-countryed Tommy. Apparently only pussies let themselves be out-countryed. Tommy is totally Justin's bitch right now. I'm sure Tommy has some corresponding story he could tell about being in the navy and a cracker.
Okay, it's decision time! The person who America is sending home is... Justin. That's too bad, given that he did a decent job tonight, but overall he sucked so you can't feel all that devastated by the news. Billy Ray asks Justin what he would have done differently. Justin takes a second to even realize that Billy Ray's talking to him. I think that says it all. Billy Ray commends Justin on his improvement over the weeks, and predicts that he'll be a really big movie star. We take a look back through his journey, which involved juggling lemons. Make lemonade, my adorable and possibly marginally talented friend. Make lemonade.