Woo! Nashville Star! Billy Ray Cyrus enters, his bangs feathered and held in place with Aqua Net in a tribute to me in the '80s. His attempts to curry favor will not work, however. Well, at least not yet. A few Hannah Montana royalty checks wired to my bank account might change my tune. He tells us that the contestants have been split into three categories: men, women and groups. Furthermore, a judge has been assigned to each group as a mentor. Who they were paired with was a surprise to everybody, he says. Yes, the world was waiting with baited breath. We cut to a pre-recorded segment, and then it happens. An announcer tells us that Jewel, John and Jeffrey headed to the Gaylord Opryland Resort. Maybe this is a nod to all the folks getting married in California? (Which: Congratulations!) Or else it was all inspired by the Gaylord of the Dance himself, Billy Ray Cyrus. Seriously, you must have the biggest dick in the world not to change your name if you were christened "Gaylord."
The contestants wait at Gaylord's Palace to find out who their mentors will be. Each of the judges blather, with John Rich getting most into the spirit of the Gaylord and acting all tough-like. And then all is revealed! John Rich is with the girls, Jewel is with the guys, and Jeffrey Steele is with the groups. He didn't really want the groups, but stiffly tells them that this is going to be great. The judges lightly smack talk each other and talk about how much they want to win. We cut back to the live show, where each mentor stands with his or her contestants. Jewel is wearing an awfully short dress, which is alternately fetching and annoying.
And then it's time to learn some of the results from last week. Laura and Sophie, the teens who want to stand by their chronically cheating men, are first through. In their mentoring video, Jeffrey tells them that they will engage the audience more if they stop looking at each other so much. Unless that coy stare is followed by some T.A.T.U. style makeout sessions. Then the audience will engage in all sorts of ways. Laura & Sophie perform. They are in their freaking matching outfits again, singing "Rockin' with the Rhythm of the Rain," which is a Judds song. It's oookay. The vocal balance seems weird, and they're not completely locked in with each other harmony-wise. But they hardly look at each other at all, which I guess counts for something. John Rich says that they did a good job, but he's concerned that they are so young, and really need to start singing songs that appeal to people of their age. Jewel points out that Lauren & Sophie auditioned with this song and have probably been singing it for years, so she wants to see them step it up and move out of their comfort zone. Jeffrey still feels like he's in a slumber party. In their bedroom. Oh, and then before I can even think of a vaguely suggestive joke John Rich just comes right out with it and asks Jeffrey if he asked them to take their pajamas off. The audience laughs nervously, but John claps for himself, because if there's one thing he loves, it's molesty jokes made at someone else's expense for a change.
we learn that Ashlee Hewitt has made it through. She's the "Bubbly" girl. We cut to the mentoring video, where Ashlee tells John she's planning to sing "Ring of Fire." One of my favorite songs to play and sing! Seriously, learn three chords on the guitar just so you can play this song. You'll never have felt cooler. John's big advice to her is to take the song half a step higher. Brilliant! Back on stage, Ashlee is jailbait perfection. I think she's wearing a tube top over a wifebeater. The song modulates in the middle, and then things start getting a little hairy. The audience gives her a standing ovation, purely because she's hot. Seriously, the girl is cute as all heck, and seems very sweet, but that was not good. Jeffrey Steele can't give a coherent critique because of his huge boner. He is actually bouncing in his chair. He says that there's a lot of fire in that ring of fire. A lot of ring, too. Jewel approves of Ashlee's use of barre chords, and liked the performance overall. John Rich says that Ashlee's voice has such a folk and country feel to it, and he's sitting to the reigning queen of folk/country - Jewel. John tells her to go buy Jewel's record, which of course he produced. He says it's the number one album in the country. He means "on the country charts." The number one album in the country is by Disturbed, and I am quite certain that John Rich did not produce that. Anyway, the judges love Ashlee, and apparently singing a Johnny Cash song is even braver than singing a song by Train.
The contestant through is Justin Gaston, the pretty boy model who was universally denounced as terrible. But pretty. He's awfully intimidated by Jewel in his video. And he's singing "Hey There Delilah." This guy totally was rejected from Idol, wasn't he? I'm sure Paula would have heard the rainbows in his voice, though. Jewel thinks that Justin needs to bring his heart to the table. He sings the song with some country-esque mandolin in the background. I will say that he is awfully cute. He has maybe the most perfectly shaped nose I've ever seen on a human being. But really, the performance was not that good. Jeffrey isn't sure about the whole thing. John Rich tells him that he comes off very sweet, and not in a good way. He asks Jewel if she made out with Justin for 30 minutes or something. Umm, I think John Rich is calling Justin a Gaylord. Jewel takes it easy on him, and says that he's not a bad singer but needs to get more control of his voice. John Rich busts in and says that Justin shouldn't be on the show. He snuck in through the backdoor. Trust me when I say that there are many ladies and flamboyant gentlemen out there who would let Justin Gaston sneak in through their backdoor any day. And John Rich is one of them. That's why he's being such a queen right now. Billy Ray plugs Jewel's album again, and Justin Gaston fears for his future.
The contestant who is safe is Alyson Gilbert. Get out! Old Crazy Eyes made it through after all. In the mentoring video segment, John Rich doesn't think that Alyson understand the artistry of being a singer. You know, like the subtlety of delivering a lyric such as, "I'm a thoroughbred, that's what she said, in the back of my truck bed." Alyson wants to break out of the pageant mold, and John Rich thinks the way to do this is by giving her a song with no range. That song is "Every Breath You Take." Vocally she actually sounds pretty good, and she closes her eyes a lot, which helps. The chord ends on a spooky minor chord, like she's singing about having an asthma attack on Halloween. She gives a big smile when it's over, because she knows she done good. Jeffrey Steele says he's seen two different people on two different weeks. Jewel thinks it's much improved from last week, and tells her to take some cues from Reba McEntire's stage presence. And speaking of Reba, there's really not a wrong time to link to this video, is there? Reba will blow a bitch up. John Rich commends Alyson on a great job.
to be announced as safe, and to take the stage, is Pearl Heart, the sister group. Jeffrey Steele coaches them to come out of their shell a bit more, particularly the lead singer. They sing "Who Says You Can't Go Home," which was Bon Jovi's crossover country song. Again, I have to say that the harmonies are not all that tight. There are some okay moments, but it's not great. And the poor girl who's the lead singer looks extra awkward trying to rock out. John Rich tells them that it was a vast improvement over the last week, but that even though he thought the harmonies were good, the 17-year old sister frontperson needs to sell it. Jewel feels her on the awkwardness, and says that she should take dance lessons or something to help her become more physical. Jeffrey tells the other sisters to back her up a little bit. They all seem very sweet and smiley, which makes me feel bad for always thinking that they don't sound that good.
The finalist to make it through is Tommy Stanley, the navy guy. Jewel tells him not to be so herky-jerky all the time as she mentors him. Tommy is going to sing "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy." This is, in fact, truly a bold move, as John Rich 1) wrote this song; 2) performs this song; 3) is a dick under normal circumstances; 4) is likely to be especially dickish in this circumstance. Tommy comes out, and... I don't know. I don't feel like I can judge this song fairly, because it's so ridiculous. Tommy is as herky-jerky as ever, but maybe it's good? I can't even tell. Jeffrey Steele immediately says that Tommy is kissing John's ass, but that it's his best performance yet. Jewel tells Tommy not to rush his phrasing. John Rich thinks that maybe they can do a Tommy & Rich thing on the road. He says that Tommy has a lot of potential, then asks if there are any crushes happening on the show, and if any of the girl contestants want to ride a Tommy Stanley. He's so gross, but Shawn gets all nervous-looking so I think there is something to his inquiry.
We learn that Gabe Garcia is safe. Jewel mentors him, and tells him to open up a bit more and engage the audience. She tells him that if he doesn't bring guts into his song, it's going to be boring. He needs to own the moment. On stage, Gabe sings, "Have You Ever Seen the Rain." He sounds great -- it's a really solid vocal performance. He doesn't use a ton of showmanship, but I don't know that he needs to. Jeffrey tells him that he still seems like a bit of a deer in headlights, but if he worries less about the band and the arrangement he'll have a good shot at winning. Jewel says that slow and steady wins the race, and that he looks like he had more fun tonight. John Rich tells him to turn his Texas on, because then the ladies will vote for him. From what I understand, turning Texas on is a vast waste of natural resources. John Rich hates the earth.
The finalist to make it through is Shawn Mayer, the dark-haired pouty karaoke chick. She's ready to prove to John Rich that she's more than a bar singer. In her mentoring video, she tells John Rich that she wants to sing George Jones' "He Stopped Loving Her Today." Oh, man, that's a good song, by a phenomenal singer. John Rich concurs, and basically thinks that Shawn Mayer is crazy for trying it (subtext: because she's not that good). But she doesn't want to play it safe. John says that if she pulls it off, she's going to go to a whole new level on this show and be someone to contend with. When she performs, I can't understand a fucking thing she's saying, but she definitely has some emotion going on. It's a good performance, but it doesn't blow you away. Jewel notes that Shawn was crying during the song, and asks how badly she wants this. Shawn is so thankful to be on the stage, and wants to kiss it every day. She is an emotional breakdown waiting to happen, and Jewel knows it. Jewel tells her that, from one girl to another, Shawn's challenge is going to be being forgiving of herself, and taking a load off, Fanny. Jeffrey wasn't sold on the performance. He says she was walking on sacred ground, and that she shouldn't sacrifice some of the greatest lyrics in country music to hit a Star Search note. Agreed. John Rich tells her that she tackled Mount Everest, and climbed about halfway up. She did good, not great, but he thinks there's greatness in her to come, and he commends her for taking on the challenge.
The to make it through is Coffey. Oh, Third Town has to be a goner, right? They're just trying to make the big girl nervous. Coffey is excited to work with Jewel, and will be singing "Waiting for the World to Change" by John Mayer. Jewel's advice to Coffey is that singing a song is not about vocal gymnastics. It's about the soul that's in it. Excellent advice! Coffey's performance actually showcases some of the weaknesses of his voice, which is funny because this doesn't seem like that challenging of a song vocally. He looks pretty awkward too, which seems odd for such a smooth character. The performance fell a little flat for Jeffrey Steele. He loves Coffey's charisma, but when he closes his eyes he doesn't get it. John Rich goes into a treatise on the way Coffey says "world." He thinks Coffey has talent, but hasn't shown originality so far. Jewel thought that he was stiff and uncomfortable, and doesn't think that he brought soul to it. She hopes that he makes it one more week, though, so the world can see what he does on his own. Coffey still does cut a strapping figure.
We get a little video of the contestants doing a show on XM radio, and then Trace Adkins performs his latest hit, "You're Gonna Miss This." What you're not gonna miss is the sock stuffed in this guy's pants. He couldn't close his legs if he tried.
And now it is the moment of truth. We're down to our final two acts. They'll each get to perform, and then learn their fates. That seems needlessly cruel, doesn't it? Big, beautiful Melissa Lawson is up first. John Rich tells her that with help, she can continue to move up. She wants to sing "Natural Woman," and John thinks that if she can put her own twist on it, it could be a homerun song. She sings some of the bust out parts, and he tells her to be careful, because she's not Mariah Carey. It's true, dawg. On stage, she gets a little screamy on the high parts, and still has the crazy eyes, but overall she's pretty awesome. She also looks like she's having a ball up there, and is totally confident. Jewel thinks that America is crazy for putting Melissa in the bottom two, and that she's one of the better singers on the show. She tells her to watch the high notes, which were thin in comparison to Aretha. Jeffrey Steele asks her to rate herself on a scale of 1 - 10. She says that, knowing what she can do, she'd give herself a seven or eight. Jeffrey tells her that he wants her to know that she can do a 10. John Rich thinks that Melissa can get a gig on Broadway no problem, but she looks a bit like she's acting when it comes to being a country singer. She wasn't all-natural for him, and had every move mapped out on stage. Melissa says she can do it, if the fans give her another chance.
Last up is Third Town of the county fair. In their mentoring video, they tell Jeffrey Steele that they want to do "Bohemian Rhapsody." He's all, "All right, then." He wants to talk them out of it so they can make it to the round. In his heart of hearts, he's worried that it's the wrong song. The punk guy eventually starts crying, and Third Town decides to take Jeffrey's advice late in the game and pick another song. They have wasted a lot of time already, and so there's a huge risk of something going wrong. Cut to the stage, where Third Town is singing "Mountain Music." They are true Gaylords, for real. Punk boy sings some lead with his reedy, thin voice, and puts his vampire teeth on full display. Interestingly enough I think they harmonize better than the girl bands, but all in all the performance just makes me nervous. John Rich HATED it. Jewel hated it. Jeffrey thinks this was their best one yet, and hopes it's not too late for them. Oh, God, PLEASE let it be too late for them.
And it is! Oh, good. Melissa looked so nervous as she was waiting for the results, it was killing me. Third Town has been eliminated. We get a video montage of their journey so far, which of course began at the Gaylord Hotel. I feel like the three of them are maybe in a polyamorous relationship or something. Like, they're totally the folks who bring up the rear at the pride parade, you know? Billy Ray asks them how they're feeling. The tall guy and the punk guy get to talk, but Billy Ray totally cuts in before the short guy gets to talk. Poor fellow. He is like a younger Jon Lovitz. Ten finalists remain, and two of them will be similarly tortured week! See you then.
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