Hey, everybody! It's the new and improved Nashville Star! Featuring the always fresh Billy Ray Cyrus. It's as if a phantom mullet waits in the wings of his hairline, isn't it? We are promised lots of drama, along with duos, trios and soloists. And of course, it's all about the music. And Billy Ray Cyrus' sideswept bangs.
Billy Ray addresses a live audience, saying that tonight the top 50 will become the top 12. They will sing for their lives, apparently. I feel like there's probably some Japanese show that can be found on YouTube where that statement is taken literally. And you'd have to, like, sing the song as you were trying to contort your body to the shape of a cutout edged in barbed wire.
We go back to where it all began: auditions. The major difference between Nashville Star and American Idol auditions can be summed up in two words: line dancing. They also zip through the weirdos and focus on the better auditions, which include a Wynonna doppelganger and twins dressed identically in Von Trapp garb. Oh, wait, but then there are more crazies. One sings with her little CD box karaoke machine. One is black, which I guess automatically implies that he's a real nutbag.
Oh and then, ha! There is an all-military casting call. And I love the troops as much as anyone and think they are doing a brave job in a liar's war, but I don't know if I can handle all that many versions of "God Bless the U.S.A." Everyone pretends to be happy to see Billy Ray. He then sings for them his song, "All Gave Some, Some Gave All." It's about soldiers, and would be very moving if he didn't look like such a douche while singing it. Like, take off your sunglasses, cracker. God, I can't stand him. He totally would have fought for our country if he weren't so busy getting partial foil highlights at the salon and having his soul patch threaded. I'm just warning you all out there that if you're a big Billy Ray Cyrus fan, this is going to be a rough season of weecaps for you. Though Dolly Parton seems to love Billy Ray Cyrus, and I worship Dolly, so maybe I will cut him the occasional break. We see military auditions, and there is some quality talent. One Navy guy in particular, whose name I think is Tommy Stanley, tears it up. He's got some funky teeth, which should endear him to Jewel. And he's awesome. We get a long shot on the naval carrier, but sadly Billy Ray does not bust into "If I Could Turn Back Time."
Back with the live audience, Billy Ray introduces the judges. There is Jewel. I have to say that I secretly thrill that Jewel's career is in the crapper enough that she is on this show. There is John Rich, of the duo Big and Rich, of "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy" fame. He... kind of scares me. He has a real "To Catch a Predator" glint in his eye. Then there's Jeffrey Steele, songwriter extraordinaire. I like him most of all already, probably because I know nothing about him.
After a commercial break, Billy Ray explains that judgment day is here for the top 50. Billy Ray is an alarming Oompa Loompa orange as he welcomes them and gives them over to the judges. A guy named Charley Jenkins, who has tried out before, gets one minute before the panel. He sings, "Drift Away," and eventually John Rich tells him to sing another song. The judges are not impressed with several of the initial competitors, so they come out to the waiting room and give them a little pep talk. After that, things seem to get better, and the third version of "Drift Away" is the charm. I have to say it's great to see so many people playing instruments, and the occasional flash of mandolin. The judges deliberate, and finally have made their decisions. They deliver the news. There is happiness, and there are tears. A guy with punk hair makes it, as does the Navy guy with the funky teeth! All is right with the world.
The finalists emerge on stage, and then suddenly we're in a group medley of "Life Is a Highway." Oh, this is going to be brutal. We have Charley Jenkins, 29 from Roosevelt, Utah; Naval tooth guy Tommy Stanley, 22, from U.S.S. Kitty Hawk, who can really sing his effing ass off; Gabe Garcia, 28, from Lytle, Texas; the singularly named and coffee and cream hued "Coffey," 28, from the improbably named Bangs, Texas; Justin Gaston, 19, of Pineville, Louisiana, though his coif would indicate it's he who should call Bangs, Texas home; red-headed Alyson Gilbert, 28, from Jackson, Tennessee; the trio Third Town -- Toni, 35, Toni, 29, and Jeff, 37 from Las Vegas, Nevada -- one more Tone/Tony and they could do a convincing remake of "Feels Good"; big, beautiful and sassy Melissa Lawson, 32, from Arlington, Texas; duo Laura & Sophie, 18 and 16, respectively, from Eastlake, Ohio; all-female trio Pearl Heart - Angela, 21, Amy, 21, and Courtney, 17, from Florissant, Missouri; Lolita-esque Ashlee Hewitt, 20, from Lancaster, Minnesota; and slightly goth Shawn Mayer, 21, from May City, Iowa. Each of the final twelve will sing for us tonight, and someone will get eliminated.
But first, we have Taylor Swift. I have to say that I don't entirely get her. She talk-sings a song and sounds kind of like Luanne from King of the Hill. I am innately biased against teen artists, though, as a rule. She has lots of pyrotechnics, because the song has something to do with fire and burning pictures. I'm just dying for them to get Loretta Lynn on here to school people in the ways of Fist City. I really go in for the old school country. Taylor Swift finishes up, and a year from now when we get Amy Winehouse-esque pictures of her in a crack den, we'll identify this moment as the beginning of the downfall. For the love of God, why is Billy Ray so ORANGE? John Rich tells the contestants that Taylor Swift kicks country ass. Taylor gives the finalists advice, culled from the long, hard struggle of her six-month career.
We learn about the prizes: a Warner Brothers recording contract, an AEG Live concert tour, a Toyota Tundra truck, and a performance at the 2008 summer Olympics. Does the world really need a country version of "One Moment in Time"? And of course, we all get to vote either by phone or online. So let the singing begin!
Girl group Pearl Heart is up first. They're sisters, and their parents moved to Nashville so they could pursue their singing career. They've been onstage since they were wee, and really seem to wuv each other. This is the band with the mandy, which gets mad props. They go for the predictable and sing "Wide Open Spaces." One sister stops playing her guitar momentarily to wave a hand in the air. I do love this song but their version is unremarkable and gets super pitchy with the harmony at the end. Except the judges love it! Jewel wants the one sister who sings lead to become more of a frontwoman, but otherwise, it's all props. Maybe my sweltering 95 degree living room is affecting my hearing?
Oooh! And then it's time for the Navy's own Tommy Stanley. He's an engineer in the Navy, and starts crying when he talks about his family. Tommy reminds us that he has a lot at stake -- mainly, if he gets booted he has to go the hell back to the military. Okay, can I tell you how much I love Tommy Stanley? He sings "Walking in Memphis," and I think the arrangement is holding him back a little and he's not totally locked into the tempo, but there's no doubt he can sing. We cut to Jan from The Office for a minute, like maybe this is the guy who was her assistant and gave her the CD. Jeffrey tells Tommy straight up that he has his doubts. The crowd boos him. John Rich thinks that he oversang, and asks if he was nervous. Jewel liked it, though. John Rich ends by saying that he did a good job. Billy Ray calls him an American hero. I mean, he is at least better than Josh Gracin.
Shawn Mayer is . Her hometown has a population of 45! She's a tomboy and a part time mechanic, hog farmer, and volunteer firefighter. That's kind of awesome. Shawn had to let go of the love of her life, because he wanted her to stay in Iowa, and she wanted to pursue her dream. They don't have hogs and fires and broken down El Caminos in Iowa? She sings the country version of "Piece of My Heart." She's working it, but I don't love her voice. And she reminds me uncomfortably of Monica Lewinsky. Jeff Rich says she sounded like a girl singing in a bar, not a girl gunning for a major label contract. Jewel tells her that she has more range than she's even using. Jeffrey tells her that she needs to be spot on. They think she's a great singer, but she needs to be even better. She's got bad-ass cleavage, though. That might be enough to get her through to week.
up is Third Town, a.k.a. Tony Toni Tone, Jr. This is the band with the punk rock looking guy in it. He's called "Little Toni." They've been working at this for 14 years, and say that they're the oldest in the competition. But they feel ageless onstage. And then they totally sing "Elvira"! I feel like I'm in third grade again, spending a Saturday night at grandma's place and watching The Barbara Mandrell Show. Only Little Toni plays guitar. The other two sing. One has a deep bass voice so can do the "Oom papa mow mow." It's all so-so. Jewel says that they need to figure out how to make them a modern act. John Rich asks who's the lead singer. They say they all are, and John Rich replies that that's a problem. They need a defined voice. Jeffrey feels like he's at the county fair. They need a defining sound. Third Town says that they'll give it to them. They mug as their call-in number is given, which is kind of annoying.
Coffey is up . He intrigues me. He is a single dad with a single mission, says Billy Ray. His daughter is gorgeous. Coffey isn't looking forward to being away from his daughter for two and a half months, and knows that the stakes are high for him. He's giving it his all, plus some. He sings "Drift Away." Who knew it was such a big country hit? All the tarty ladies in the audience want a little Coffey in their cream. He's definitely hot. But whither the last name, Coffey? I liked the little bit of the performance they showed in the auditions better, but overall it was, as Randy Jackson says, "a'ight." John Rich loves him, though, and says he's the best of the night. Jeffrey heard some pitch issues. Jewel is incensed, and John Rich tells her that she's a little pitchy, herself. They argue, and Jewel ramps up her fake country accent to try to give herself a bit of an advantage. Coffey has a thing that Jeffrey loves, and Jeffrey tells him just to calm down a little bit and get in the pocket. Coffey can get in my pocket all he wants.
we have best friends Laura & Sophie. They're so young. It was them in the Von Trapp outfits! They really look like sisters. They don't really date or go out. They just sing. They're like the twins from The Shining, all grown up. They may be the youngest people there, but they've worked just as hard as everyone else, if not harder, they say. And then they totally bust out with "Stand By Your Man!" And, I mean, they sound pretty good, but it's a little creepy seeing two teenagers in matching babydoll dresses singing "Stand By Your Man," right? Jeffrey thinks their singing was great, and John Rich can't even come up with a single criticism. Jewel tells them to work the stage and crowd. Kudos all around!
is Gabe Garcia, a former electrician from a family the size of Texas. John Rich says in auditions that he could be a very important act for country music. Gabe takes us to his hometown, and we get to meet his cute grandma. Gabe is on the show to represent the Hispanic country music fans, and notes that there are no Hispanic country singers. Gabe sings "All My Exes Live in Texas," and does a good job. Jewel loved it, John Rich notes that he seemed nervous, but his voice is pure and great country music, and John wants to record it someday. Jeffrey wants to muss him up a little bit, but says that he's got a shot.
we have Alyson Gilbert, who is a redhead and also a wife. She studies animal science, and gets to shear sheep. Alyson's husband gave up his career to pursue hers, and she wants to prove that she has what it takes to go all the way. Alyson gets mad crazy eyes when she sings -- Simon Cowell would want to stab her in the face. She does a song which apparently is called "Suds in the Bucket" by Sara Evans. Jeffrey thinks she has a great voice and that she looks great. He notes that she sounds a lot like Martina McBride, and needs to work on being more herself. John tells Jeff that he's deaf. He thinks that Alyson ended strong, but she started off too much like a beauty pageant contestant. Thus the bug eyes. Jewel apparently used this pageant line already in rehearsals. She does an unfavorable impression of Alyson, and Alyson starts to look really sad. John Rich thinks she's in the running for elimination. Billy Ray tells Alyson that she's got the proudest husband in the state of Tennessee. Well, good for him for saying a nice thing to that poor woman.
we have Ashlee Hewitt, who comes from a family of thirteen. They live on a ranch in the middle of nowhere, and her dad was recently deployed to Iraq. That is sad times. Ashlee is sad to leave her family, but is ready to pursue her dream. She sings "Bubbly" by Colbie Caillat. I have to confess that I do like this song. I'm stupid, I know. Ashlee seems like a sweet girl, but her voice has a lot of odd affectations. John Rich loved it, though, and thinks she's really genuine. Jewel says that her sincerity and sweetness shone through, but that in the future they need to find a better way to showcase her voice. Jeffrey was a little disappointed, but thinks that there's something there. He hopes that she makes it to the round.
is Charley Jenkins. He's a real cowboy, and has been roping and riding almost all his life. I didn't start roping and riding until at least my sophomore year of college. Charley's dad was diagnosed with cancer, and Charley went home to be with him. It was the best decision he's ever made, he said, as he got to spend two months with his dad before he passed away. Charley is ready to out-work everyone in the competition. He has a deep voice, and goes right into the audience as he sings, "I Like It, I Love It," by Tim McGraw. He's like the Taylor Hicks of Nashville Star. It's a little creepy. Jewel says that she didn't believe it. John Rich says that he likes Charley and likes his voice when he's not running around like a Garth Brooks impersonator. Jeffrey says he hated it, he hated it, he wants no more of it. But he thinks Charley has a really cool voice, and hopes that he'll make it through another week. Charley looks like he's about to cry. He should, of the shame. That was terrible.
Justin Gaston is . He's a part-time model. With those eyebrows? Oh, but then we see him on a modeling job with some tight-ass pants. Oooh, and then boxer briefs! All right, then. Justin is admittedly a mama's boy, which is kind of charming. He sings "Drops of Jupiter." Huh. Jewel totally wants to do him. The performance is pretty mediocre, though, even if he looks good. Billy Ray says he's never felt older or uglier than when he's standing to Justin. NEVER? Don't make me do a Google Image search. Jeffrey did not like the performance at all. John Rich thought it was interesting to see that song done as a country song. Jewel pipes in that it was a bold choice. You know something is wrong in the formula when effing "She checks out Mozart while she does Tae Bo" is a bold choice. John says that the singing was shaky. Jewel thinks Justin needs a woodshed to practice in. I bet she does. As we are thrown to commercial, we get another shot of Jan from The Office. Not that I don't love her, but maybe they could get, like, one other network celebrity so she doesn't have to carry this weight all by her lonesome?
Finally, we have Melissa Lawson. If America's Top Model has taught us anything, it's that this is the year of the plus-sizers. Melissa might just be the dark horse, and I haven't even heard her sing yet! She's ancient at 32, apparently. That makes me, also 32, feel just awesome. We'll call it Billy Ray's Revenge. Melissa is also the mother of five! All boys. She knows she's no blonde bombshell, and wants to win to prove that you don't have to be a size six to be a superstar. She's ready to blow the doors off of this thing. She does "Something to Talk About," and has a touch of the crazy eyes herself. She overdoes it a little for my taste, but easily has the best voice of the solo female singers. The judges give her a standing ovation. Jewel thinks she's pretty bad-ass. Jeffrey agrees that she rose to the occasion. John Rich thinks that she's magnetic, and he can tell that she's doing this for her family, for real. He guarantees that she's not going home. For sure. She was great.
We have a commercial break, and then it's time for elimination. This is the judges' elimination, as our votes clearly have not been counted yet! The judges have determined that the weakest two were Charley and Alyson. I never thought that anyone would make me miss Ryan Seacrest, but Billy Ray has finally done it. He throws it to the judges to announce who gets the boot. Jeffrey votes for Charley to go home. John disagrees, and votes for Alyson and her crazy eyes to go home. This means it's up to Jewel. This is tearing her, tearing her, tearing her apart. She votes to send Charley home. He looks pretty shocked. He seems like a nice guy, so that sucks. He says that he loves country music, and he wishes all the other contestants the best of luck. After he's gone, Billy Ray reminds us that our votes will determine who's booted from now on. So get to calling, y'all!