Weekend

Ah, "Weekend" -- the episode almost universally reviled by fans of My So-Called Life, the goes-without-saying entry on everyone's least-favorite list. Back in the day, when my email address consisted of a string of incomprehensible numbers assigned to me by the late, non-great Compuserve, I belonged to a mailing list devoted to the show, and the members of said mailing list (myself included) got awfully heated about various predictable issues, like whether Brian or Jordan "deserved" Angela and would Rayanne and Sharon have gotten close and blah blah blah, but no other topic of discussion drew forth anything approaching the venom that the "listies" reserved for "Weekend." Everyone had reasonably legitimate reasons for hating the ep: too much time spent on the Chases' marriage; heretofore-unseen sitcommy humor (i.e. the handcuffs thing) that didn't work; unearned suspension of disbelief; well, you know, Neil, no one gives a shit. But it seemed to boil down to resenting wasted time -- to not understanding why, when the show got the axe in the end, the creators chose to burn off an episode with wackiness.

That said, I don't hate "Weekend." It's a trifling ep, in context, but I think it works, both in giving the viewer a little break from the high level of emotion of the handful of episodes, and in sharing insight into Patty and Graham. It's contrived, but it's not a failure. And for the record, "Halloween" is my least favorite episode, for all the reasons people usually cite when loathing "Weekend." Awful, awful ep. Key Grip's recap of it rocks, though.

Okay, enough explication. Let's go, now, go.

Pan slowly up Danielle's legs to Danielle, poutily playing with a Gameboy. Well, it looks like a Gameboy. Did Gameboys exist in 1995? Anyway, Danielle VO -- believe it, it's true -- sulks that "my whole life is waiting for something to happen." She's standing off to the side as Patty and Camille Cherski go through Patty's closet, and Camille holds up a little black dress and calls it "killer" and says that it may well have given Andy the heart attack. Patty squawks all "you're so bad." DVO tells us that it's really easy to eavesdrop on adults' conversations while pretending to "play some stupid game" while Camille and Patty confer on the backless dress, Camille advising Patty that "men love backs" and the dress will "drive Graham insane" and "you will have an incredible weekend" and so on. Since when do men love backs? Men love fronts, hon. Patty gazes at the dress, shoots a nervous look at Danielle, and says no, she doesn't think it'sher. Camille shrugs and hangs up the dress, and Patty folds a ruffly white shirt and complains that Graham "isn't back here yet" because he's at a meeting with another potential investor for the restaurant. Camille sniffs that he's with "that Hallie Lowenthal person," then, and Patty says tolerantly, "Yes, and shut up." Camille's all, "Hey, I didn't say anything," and Patty defensives that she's not upset because Graham's with Hallie; she's upset because Neil and Marla are due "any minute" and Graham's not home. Then she adds that she's not upset in the first place. Inserted into Patty's blather is a shot of Danielle, taking it all in. Camille asks how long Marla's been with Neil, and Patty says with a condescending smile that it's been six years and it's "like a prison sentence," and then Camille tries to sell Patty on a green negligee-type thing. Patty laughs nervously. DVO: "It's truly amazing. I have the power to beinvisible." Yeah, if only. That's Patty's cue to suggest that Danielle go downstairs and get herself "a piece of fruit." Danielle reacts much the same way that I do, making a "piece offruit?" face and expositioning that Angela's in the kitchen with Rickie and booted Danielle. Patty orders her to get a piece of fruit, and she'll come down in a sec to have a word with Angela. Danielle slouches off. Patty nixes the negligee and Camille's like, "Oh, come on!"

On the stairs, Danielle VO sighs that her life "is different people kicking [her] out of different rooms." Mmm hmm. It's called a hint, shorty. Take one.

Upstairs, Patty blathers on about spending some alone time with Graham that weekend and she feels like the marriage "needs this, you know, orwe need this time to -- reconnect, or" Camille interrupts that she knows exactly what Patty needs, and hands her a box. The Bass Guitar Of Impending Punchlines comes in as Patty opens the box and squeals, "Ohhh my gaahhhd." It's a pair of handcuffs. Patty can't believe Camille "actually own[s] these." Camille shrugs that Patty "said you needed to reconnect." Patty, agog, makes more scandalized noises.

In the kitchen, Angela and Rickie leaf through fashion magazines and mock the contents. Danielle comes into the kitchen and opens the fridge, and without looking up, Angela fake-nices, "Danielle, why don't you go help Mom pack?" Danielle glares at Angela. The phone rings, and Angela answers, then hands the phone to Rickie with an expression of barely concealed distaste; it's Rayanne. As Rickie takes the receiver, Angela lets it go with an "ew, cooties" flick of her wrist. Heh. Rickie is all awkward, aware of the weirdness of Rayanne calling him at Angela's, and he's all looking over at Angela apprehensively, but Angela's leaving the room and yanking Danielle out the door with her. Heh. Once they've gone, Rayanne's all perky on the other end; we cut to her in a phone booth in the rain, observing too-casually that Angela "barely said hello." Rickie rolls his eyes and gently tells Rayanne not to put him "in the middle of this, okay?" "Hey, I didn't put you there, that's just where you are," Rayanne says dryly. Rickie starts to say something, looks over at the kitchen door, and sighs, rolling his eyes again.

Patty shows Camille out, and the two of them have their heads together, murmuring, presumably about the "hardware"; the girls appear, and Camille invites them to stay at the Cherskis' for the weekend, but Angela says no thanks. Camille leaves, taking her naughties with her, and Patty folds her arms and mock-glares at Angela. Angela, laughing: "What?" Patty asks if Angela kicked Danielle out of the kitchen. "No," Angela says, glaring at Danielle as she flounces past, then concedes with a shrug, "Mom, she was being impossible." Patty lectures her on how it's "a really big responsibility" staying home alone with Danielle all weekend, and I think I had the same "discussion" with my own mother a billion times. My parents would come home from an evening out, and I'd turn off the TV and head for bed, and Ma would ask, "So, how'd it go?" and I'd say "fine," and then my brother would sing-song down from the top of the stairs, "She locked me out of the baaaaasement while she watched MTV!" and my mother would get That Look, so I'd explain that David "was, like, being, like, a total pest!" and my mother would deliver a monologue on how "watching your little brother means watching him, Sarah!" and I never understood that -- like, if there's a fire, or he cuts off one of his fingers making a toaster-oven pizza, I'll handle it, but until disaster strikes, I don't want to hang out with him, because he's ten years old and we have nothing in common. Angela whatevers that she's watched Danielle before, and Patty wryly refers to "the time [Angela] put her in the dryer" -- hee! -- and Angela objects that "that was so long ago!" and she can't believe Patty's still talking about that. Again, reminiscent of my own family, in which the fact that I carved my name into a table in the den -- at the age of five, and frankly I think my mother should have seen the big picture, namely that I could spell -- still gets brought up at regular intervals, in spite of 1) having happened twenty-three years ago and 2) my mother's still not having replaced said table, probably so she could continue to give me grief about it twice a year.

Anyway, Angela adds with a frown, "Anyway, she begged me to do it." Nice try, Angela, but I tried that line of reasoning when I tied my brother to a tree and left him there, and trust me, it isn't going to work. Patty rolls her eyes and says she doesn't care "whose idea it was" -- she doesn't want to come back "and find anyone in an appliance." Snerk. Patty goes on that Angela has to "be the adult" and "prove to" Patty that she can handle this. Angela dramatic-ironies that it's just going to be her and Rickie: "What could possibly happen?" Patty stares at her all "don't say things like that," then smiles and kisses her on the cheek.

Angela wanders back towards the kitchen, calling out, "Enrique, what do you want for dinner?" but stops short in the doorway when she sees that Rickie's still on the phone to Rayanne. Rickie gestures at Angela not to leave, and tells Rayanne that he'd "better not tie up their line." Angela stands, awkwardly, as Rayanne whatevers on the other end about whether Rickie's not "allowed" to talk to her now, and Rickie, watching Angela, tells her to try him "at Katimski's later, okay?" With much eye-rolling, Rayanne's like "fine, whatever" and hangs up. Rickie hangs up too, and smiles all "hehheh?" at Angela, who just slumps her shoulders all "what do you want me to say?"

In the master bedroom, Patty starts fitting the key into the handcuffs, but downstairs, Danielle bad-acts, "Hi Daddy -- you're late!" so Patty hastily stuffs the cuffs back into the box and stows them under a pillow. Graham comes in. Patty's all, "Hi! Not concealing anything, not me, no sir!" and then sees the grease splotches on Graham's new shirt. Graham says he'll "be ready in five minutes" and then begins to complain angrily about car trouble and blah blah blah, and when Patty realizes that it's not their car that broke down but Hallie's she makes a revelatory "ohhhh" noise. Graham keeps bitching about Hallie's "loud, obnoxious" car and how he looked under the hood, and Patty snarks, "You looked under Hallie Lowenthal's hood?" Graham doesn't catch his snap, kvetching that Hallie's engine is held together with string, "literally." Patty asks pointedly why Hallie couldn't have called Brad when her car broke down: "Isn't that what fiancs are for?" Graham's dismissive: "Oh, well, you know. They broke up." Patty raises her eyebrows. Graham's all casual: "Didn't I tell you?" Patty, slowly: "No." Graham chooses that moment to seal his doom -- i.e. "to break eye contact with Patty" -- and asks if she's sure he didn't tell her that, he must have told her, blah blah blah lie-of-omission-cakes. "No," Patty says again, in the same sweet, dangerous register as before. The doorbell rings, and Graham blusters, "That must be them!" He gathers his things; Patty, a sardonic smile frozen on her face, watches him bustle about and sets her jaw.

Downstairs, Danielle answers the door for Neil and Kerry Weaver, who has very curly hair and looks about ten years younger. Well, I guess she is about ten years younger by now. I'd like to add here that I recently went to a Broadway production of "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest," put on by the Steppenwolf Theater. Terry McKinney directed, and it's a great show, but the guy playing Martini looked and sounded so familiar to me, and I couldn't figure out where the hell I knew him from, so at intermission I looked him up, and it's Danton Stone -- Neil. And I also found out that Mr. Katimski, a.k.a. Jeff Perry, is a founding member of Steppenwolf. Okay, trivia mode off. Danielle snipes at Kerry, "You're not Marla," and Patty and Graham come running down to save Neil and Kerry from Danielle, but when Patty sees that it's in fact totally not Marla, a giant fake smile takes over her entire face, and she says nothing. Very tactful, Patty. Not. Neil introduces Kerry -- here, "Sheryl Fleck" -- to the family, and tosses Danielle a Gameboy. Danielle thanks him perfunctorily and walks away, VO-ing that "Uncle Neil gives the lamest presents on earth." Shut up, DVO. Patty's all "come in, come in," and Sheryl says she's "heard so much about" Patty and Graham, and Patty fumbles, "Ohyes." Graham, his voice all strangled and high, asks Neil to help him with their bags. "Aren't those your bags over there?" Neil asks, gesturing at the bags, sitting right to Patty. Awkward pause. "Just help me a second," Graham gargles. Neil knows what's up, but follows Graham anyway. Left alone with Sheryl, Patty starts to say something, but Sheryl interrupts to tell her in a conspiratorial tone, "I love your foyer." Patty, every single tooth in her mouth on display, excuses herself really obviously, then literally runs out of the room. Okay, seriously? "Weekend"-haters often point to this scene as particularly egregious, and I have to agree. I've seen a group of stoned nineteen-year-olds handle similar situations with ten times the aplomb. And wouldn't Graham know that Neil and Sheryl -- oh, forget it. Let's cut upstairs

To The Hallway Of Exposition, where Graham's asking where's Marla and Neil's explaining that they broke up again. "Neil!" Graham hisses, like, what? What's the problem? Like, yeah, it's too bad when our siblings break up with people we like, but -- dude. Dial it back. Patty runs in, and we hear the whole where's-Marla-we-broke-up-again thing. Neil reassures them that "Sheryl is incredible," and they'll spend five minutes with her and love her. Ready for The Cut Of Wacky Non-Dramatic Non-Irony?

Cut to the car. It's pouring rain, and in the back seat, Sheryl is regaling the Chases with the story of how she and Neil met -- it involves stopping to him at an intersection and Neil handing her a piece of paper that says, "Hi, I'm Neil -- call me," and Graham steps on the punchline by delivering it himself in a bored tone of voice. The gist is that Neil has used this "charming" pick-up before, and Sheryl is all, "How'd you know that -- how did he know that?" In the front seat, Patty and Graham stare through the windshield, looking vaguely disgusted. We're treated to Sheryl's annoying seal-like laugh. Sheryl goes through her purse, saying she thinks she's "got a couple of doobies in here." Patty and Graham exchange a "good grief" look. Hmm. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that they don't love her.

In Angela's room, Rickie, Angela, and Danielle experiment with make-up. Angela asks "yay or nay" about a lip liner, pauses, and tells Rickie that, if he wants to do something with Rayanne that weekend, she won't "take it personally" or anything. Apparently, they've had this conversation before, because Rickie says firmly, "Angela. I wanna hang here. Okay?" Angela says okay. Danielle puts about an inch of lipstick on, and Rickie refreshes his eyeliner. Then Angela asks casually, "So does she ask about me?" Rickie, still lining his lower lid, doesn't answer. DVO tells us, "It is so cool to be hanging with my big sister and her cool friend." She looks down admiringly at Angela, who absently takes an eyeliner out of Danielle's hand and asks Rickie, "Do you like this?" Rickie makes an "uch" noise.

Pan across a four-poster bed, accessorized with a quaint quilt, to Graham, shirtless and lost in thought. Patty comes out of the bathroom, shyly, clad in the green negligee; she looks good, but she doesn't think she does, so it doesn't quite work. Graham disagrees, fixing her with a "wowI mean, wow" look, but Patty's all self-effacing, saying that Camille "forced" her to wear it and "it's not me." She rushes over to the bed as Graham smiles, "I think it's great!" "Really?" Patty says, and Graham starts macking on her, saying that he loves "sex in a different bed," and I know it's kind of wrong, but I wouldn't mind having sex, in any bed, with Tom Irwin. Rowr. Oh, dear. Sorry about that. Anyway, Graham's fixing to roll on top of Patty when they both freeze at the sound of Neil and Sheryl getting loud in the room door. Graham attempts to continue, but Sheryl's barking laugh comes through the wall, and Patty half sits up and complains that Neil should have waited until after that weekend to break up with Marla. Graham's still kissing her neck, and he remarks sarcastically that Patty's concern for Marla is "touching," and she's about to bitch some more when Graham stops and tells her, nicely, to suck it up because she's ruining the mood. Patty gives him The Look, and they start smooching again, but Patty can't stop cracking up when Sheryl's all "do me" on the other side of the wall, and eventually she snorts, and Graham sort of lies there on his side with a look on his face like, "Could you make it any harder for me to maintain an erection? Great, thanks."

Uh oh. It's the morning, and Angela opens the door to find Rayanne, who immediately starts yammering about how Mr. K said Rickie slept over and Rickie owes her six-fifty and she needs it and Tino's got this thing and blah, and she's fidgeting the whole time. Angela regards her silently until she trails off, then says icily, "He's upstairs." Rayanne bolts past her, and Angela watches her go with a stare of dull hatred.

Upstairs, Rickie's on the phone to Mr. K, saying he'll be home the night for dinner; Rayanne comes in hesitantly and blusters that she needs that six-fifty Rickie owes her. As Rickie points out diffidently that that was, like, four years ago, Rayanne pitches herself onto the Chases' bed and burbles that she wouldn't mind spending some time there with "someone special," and adds that she "love[s] sex on a different bed." Rayanne has had sex in a bedever? Whatever -- Rickie asks if Angela knows Rayanne's there, and Rayanne sneers, "She knows. God." Rickie nods all "okay, okay, don't bite my head off." Rayanne looks away and asks if he's coming out with her that night. "Rayanne, I told you, I'm, like, here this weekend." Rayanne, not meaning it: "That's cool." Rickie looks sad. Rayanne asks if Angela, like, asks about her. Rickie's like, "Oh, please, don't start," and Rayanne sees that look on his face and nods to herself. Just then, she finds the handcuff box under a pillow. Rickie, in a desperate tone, tells her to put it back, but of course she opens it, gasps, and says gleefully, "All right Graham!" Heh. "This answers a lot of questions about those two," Rayanne exults, and latches one of the cuffs onto her wrist. Rickie rushes around the other side of the bed to stop her, but she's all into role-playing as Patty and yelling at Graham that "that dinner you prepared just -- wasn't tasty enough!" as she latches the other cuff onto the headboard. She lies back on the bed all "I've been bad -- punish me," and Rickie snaps that "this is, like, so unfunny" and starts looking for the key. Rayanne's cracking herself up. "Where'd you put the key?" Rayanne stops laughing. Rickie's tossing the bed, looking for the key. Rayanne: "Wh-what?" Rickie "can't believe this" and leaps off the bed to go back around to Rayanne's side, and Rayanne is all, "Vasquez, calm yourself, it's gotta be around, we'll find it," and she's writhing around with one wrist pinned to the headboard, and that's Angela's cue to walk in on Rickie and Rayanne, who both stop dead and stare at her, utterly and completely busted. Angela just stares back, unable to comprehend what's happening. Rayanne, suddenly modest, tugs her dress down and says, "It looks like I might be stayinga little longerthan I thought." Rickie smiles all "it's not so bad, right? Don't kill me." Angela's like, "Oh, for fuck's sake." We fade to commercial.

Back from the break to the hotel, where Patty's whispering on the phone to Camille, saying that everything's fine, but could Camille go over and check on the kids? And while she's there, well, Patty left "thosehandcuffy things" on the bed, and could Camille pick them up? Graham comes in and asks what's going on just as Patty hangs up the phone, and she claims unconvincingly that she just called Camille to check on the girls, and everything's fine. Graham's like, "Whatever."

Downstairs at the breakfast buffet, Sheryl and Neil argue over "distorted ideas" and how Sheryl's "entitled to [her] beliefs." Graham and Patty stand awkwardly behind them with plates full of eggs, waiting for a break so that they can sit down. It doesn't come, so they sit down anyway, and as it turns out, they're fighting over whether the 1971 Pirates can be considered one of the great teams. I so seldom say it about this show, but -- like, ha ha. Not. Patty changes the subject by suggesting that they go ice-skating. Sheryl's like "ooh" in a good way, and Graham's like "ooh" also but in a cringe-y bad way, and Patty keeps trying to sell them on hiking to a frozen pond, and Neil takes a page from my "physical activityon vacation? Um, no" book by chuckling that maybe they should play it by ear, but Patty's on a roll, babbling about their limited amount of time there and how they should plan carefully to get everything in, and Neil and Graham demur, but Sheryl thinks it's "a cute idea" and squeals that Patty's so cute (ohh-kay), and they bully the guys into doing it. Once she's gotten her way, Patty smilingly announces that "we are going to haveso much fun." Uh huh. Right.