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Welcome to My Own Worst Enemy, where Edward is not Henry and Henry is not Edward, I don't care if they are both walking around in the Untamed Heart guy's flawless karate body. Edward is a sexy, cold-blooded, 13 language-speakin' U.S. spy with a computer chip in his brain. After each covert mission is completed, Edward's brain chip is activated and he becomes Henry, a fabricated identity who is a lot less sexy spy and a lot more boring suburban dad. Quite unexpectedly, the technology starts going haywire somehow, and humdrum Henry starts showing up when he isn't welcome -- like when Edward is minding his own business, trying to assassinate some Russian gangsters. That whole thing goes awry, and the comrades mistakenly try to interrogate Henry, who doesn't know anything more top secret than Consumer Reports' evaluation of John Deere's newest rider lawnmower. He is ultimately extracted safely (by the hilariously sleazy in everything Mike O'Malley), but needless to say, the man's two brains eventually realize they need to start working together a little bit, so that's what they do. This gets off to an awkward start though, when Henry takes Edward's 2010 Chevy Camaro SS (buy American! Vroom! Vroom!) for a joyride without asking, and Edward sleeps with Henry's wife (also without asking), but the scores are settled when Edward leaves Henry some helpful video instructions on how to blow up the Russian gangsters, who have come to town for some more Henry questioning. Once the Ruskies are disposed of, Henry and Edward are finally even, and new best friends for life to boot! More spy capers and hijinks to ensue week!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!A dimly lit video message starring Christian Slater (spy vlog!) telling someone that by now they've forgotten all about him, but that they need to tell their wife that they have to miss "the soccer game." Their life depends on it.
Cut to a night scene in Paris, 48 hours earlier, according to the chyron on the screen. A woman is standing in front of a very French fountain, and there's Christian Slater again, sitting in a car observing what he reports to Alfre Woodard via comms as "the exchange," which is "going down right now." We soon discover the fountain woman's name is "Natasha," and that Slater is doing this to let the KGB (which doesn't exist anymore, but... alright) know that he's in Paris. Alfre Woodard would like him to "bring her [Natasha] in, Edward" because she's "the only way to the marbles," whatever that means, but Slater's having none of it. He gets out of the car and walks up to Natasha.
Cut to Edward and Natasha doing dirty things in a Parisian hotel room. Edward's pillow talk is very romantic, as he explains to her that he's looking for a man named Uzi Kefelnikov because he took something that doesn't belong to him. Natasha gets all pissy about this and rushes off to the bathroom ostensibly to run a bath, but instead puts a handgun together, complete with silencer, under the cover of running water. Edward takes a phone call that he loudly pretends is over room service during all this, but is clearly secret code that Natasha is going to kill him or something, because he clumps a bunch of Edward-shaped pillows up under the bedsheets, Ferris Bueller-style. Natasha comes rushing out, shoots the Edward-shaped pillows a bunch of times, like Edward would actually be fast asleep 1.5 seconds after having a very involved phone conversation about room service, and then looks over to see surprise! Edward sitting in a chair across the room, waiting for her to fall for his Ferris Bueller-ass stunt, and he shoots her in the face! Brains! On the wall! On NBC! Yayyyy! Edward looks sad. Credits!
Los Angeles. Alfre Woodard is in her chestnut-hued bureaucratic office, playing chess by herself on one of those awesome swivel chess boards. Edward bursts in and jokes, "Who's winning?" to which she counters, "I am," either hilariously or stupidly, I can't tell. Then they argue over Natasha. Woodard's annoyed because she ordered Edward to bring her in, not have sex with her for three hours and then shoot her in the face on NBC. Edward says he was totally going to, but decided that wasn't possible after Natasha "killed the bed." Hee! Woodard's still not over it, because Natasha was their best link to this Uzi character, and she thinks Edward killed her to spare her from torture because he's in love with her. Edward is a little girl crazy, you see.
A nerdy tech guy comes in and whisks Edward out of the room, asking how the mission went and if Edward has any "continuity issues," like knife or bullet wounds. Edward says no, but that he cut himself shaving, "under the chin, left of center." The tech man goes to work in front of a computer system that is as futuristic sci-fi as all get out. He starts programming boring business trip memories like a fat, snoring airplane passenger, hotel porn, crappy dinners, etc. He asks Edward if he's ready to go to sleep, to which Edward answers, "Does it matter?" Then Edward kind of blacks out for a second and wakes up in the elevator a boring man named Henry Spivey.
The elevator opens and hey! It's Mindy Sterling! She greets Henry with an office folder and asks him how "Akron" was. He repeats all of the memories nerdy tech man just programmed into his brain, and she tells him he has an appointment with a very attractive doctor this afternoon. He unconvincingly denies that he finds her attractive, and Mindy Sterling wistfully says something about love in French, which gives Henry pause, because his brain chip is malfunctioning and he sort of remembers being in Paris yesterday.
Cut to attractive Dr.'s office, who turns out to be the fabulous Saffron Burrows, of Boston Legal and The Bank Job fame. [Why does everyone always gloss over Wing Commander? - Zach] Henry explains that he had a dream the other night that he was a spectator in his own body, and that someone in this dream called him Edward. Uh-oh. Saffron Burrows is clearly in on the ruse, so she goes to work debunking his fears that this dream may have been reality, but wait, he has proof! A matchbook from the hotel in Paris that Edward forgot to take out of his pocket before becoming Henry. "Ever bring home a souvenir from a dream, doc?" Saffron Burrows is totally screwed. [Just like when she was in Wing Commander! - Zach]
Henry's suburban tract home. He is greeted by his daughter who makes no fuss over Henry's return from his business trip because "he goes away for two days every two days." He has two children, but one of them, a teenage boy, is a completely different ethnicity than his parents, so I'm sure we'll hear something about that down the road. The family is way happy and functional-seeming, though. It's kind of freaking me out.
Later that night, Henry is in bed reading a book I don't recognize, and a Google search of the author's name, Brennan Dyson, largely brings up results of a Star Trek stuntman, so I'm guessing it's not a real book. But that's not what's important right now. His eyes go blurry for a few seconds, and bam! He is suddenly Edward. He looks around confusedly, taking some time to check out Henry's sleeping wife (read: smack her on the ass). He calls nerdy tech man, who tells him they don't have protocol for these kinds of situations, which is clearly a lie, because he tells Edward he'll give him an hour to watch baseball highlights, then he has to go back to sleep. Then he calls Alfre Woodard to ask if he should "initiate termination protocols," which I can only assume is some kind of SD-6-like agent assassination policy. She takes a pause before deciding, "No." Arvin Sloane she most certainly is not.
The day at Henry's office. He is greeted by his co-worker Tom, played by Mike O'Malley, former host of Nickelodeon's awesome '90s series Guts!. They exchange pleasantries and he reveals himself to be lecherous about the office ladies. Mindy Sterling bounds in and explains that Henry is needed in Albany because some boring corporate shit is hitting the fan over there. Henry departs for fake Albany, but as he's getting in the elevator Mindy Sterling says, "Spivey's in the box," into her comms right in front of him, and he asks who she's talking to. "You say that every time," she says, shaking her head, which is both terrifyingly creepy and delightful. I think she's secretly my favorite so far.
In the elevator, nerdy tech man puts Henry to sleep, and Edward meets Alfre Woodard (I swear they haven't said her character's name yet. I could be wrong, but I've yet to learn it) in what looks to be their version of The Situation Room. Time out for a major quibble. I'm sure we'll learn it soon, but I need to know what the hell this organization is. Are they CIA? Are they some secret government branch they made up? Are they independent of the government and freelance like Charlie's Angels? What? Give me a point of reference here, please. Anyway. He's incredulous that she's sending "Raymond" after Uzi. She says it's because unlike Edward, Raymond can follow orders. Apparently she's worried Edward might have sex with Uzi for three hours and then shoot him in the face like the maverick he is. Also, Uzi has put a $10 million price on Edward's head for shooting Natasha. He convinces Alfre Woodard that this is personal now, and that he should go after Uzi himself, and Raymond should go after "the marbles" instead.
Moscow. Edward is perched on a high vantage point in a warehouse window, all sniper'd out. He confirms to his comms that the target (Uzi) is in range, and we learn that his callsign is -- hee! -- Avenger. Love it. [I prefer "Hard Harry." - Zach] A bunch of Russian thugs get out of limos on the ground, and he says he has a clear shot, but whoever's in the van tells him to hold off on taking the shot for some reason, and -- oh, no! Henry showed up! Brain chip technology! It's worse than Vista! Henry is understandably very freaked out that a second ago he was going to Albany to do something boring and now he's poised to assassinate some Russians he's never seen before in his life. In his confusion he accidentally misfires a couple times, and the Russians start shooting back. Henry runs. I am scared!
He doesn't get very far before one of the thugs finds him and shoots him in the bullet-proof-vested chest twice, which knocks him out (is that possible? I honestly don't know), and we're at our first commercial break. I am still scared!
Back from commercial! The thugs are dunking Henry's head in the toilet! Rude. Uzi thinks this brand of torture is a little 8th grade, and punishes his men by forcing them to almost shoot each other. It's complicated, but it basically boils down to a scare tactic. Uzi then gets to questioning Edward, except this is Henry, who is terrified and obviously doesn't know anything. Uzi is really pissed off, thinking that Edward is yanking his chain. He puts on a plastic raincoat to shield him from the rivers of blood he is about to drain from Henry with a butcher knife, when a lil' roach trap-looking thing slides under the door. Uzi wisely deems it to be a bomb, and dives into the other room with his men, leaving Henry to sizzle. The device seemingly malfunctions, and Uzi laughs over to Henry, "Lucky bas--" when the room he's in explodes. Ahh, the old roach trap-looking explosives bait and switch! Maxwell Smart fell for it every time.
A Delta Force guy with a ski mask runs in to extract Henry. They run through the building in slow mo, DF man shooting all thugs who dare get in their path. Henry is really unhappy about this whole thing, but he's going with it because he doesn't want to die.
They rush into an SUV outside, and the DF man pulls off his mask to reveal himself as Tom, a.k.a. Mike O'Malley. Henry's mind explodes at this. "Tom?!" "Where are we? [At the passing street signs] Is that Russian?! Are we in Russia?!" All Tom gives him is a very annoyed, "My name's not Tom!" He explains that his name is not Tom, it is Raymond. Then he switches gears in less than a second and calls Tom's wife, all boring suburban husband-sounding, explaining that his business trip has to be extended. I would postulate that maybe he was once in Henry's position, and that Tom is a fake personality like Henry is, but Raymond's just being so damned insensitive to Henry that I don't think that's the case. Time will tell, if this thing doesn't get canceled. They get out and transfer to a Russian jalopy, and Raymond puts Henry in a secret compartment underneath the truck bed's floorboards. He quiets Henry's fears by explaining that if anything happens to him, Henry will agonizingly suffocate and die in there. Henry doesn't need a spy; he needs a bartender.
Back in L.A., Henry and Raymond get into that elevator again, and Henry is shown into Alfre Woodard's office. He's asking a million questions about what's going on, who Edward is, etc. She explains that they used science (the explanation is literally about as technical as that) to create a split personality in Edward, who volunteered for the program, and that Henry was only created 19 years ago. Henry is even sadder than he was before. Commercials!
Alfre Woodard is showing Henry around Edward's sweet spy pad, because Henry's wife isn't expecting him until tomorrow. The loft is huge and minimalist, and clearly decorated with whatever the expensive version of Ikea is.
Nighttime in the spy pad. Henry calls his wife to confirm that the way they met did indeed happen. She confirms it did. He seems somewhat comforted by this, but now it's time to drink Edward's liquor and go through his stuff! Henry peruses Edward's anal-retentive closet full of black suits, proclaiming, "What a dick." Double hee. He gets a little drunker and decides to play Edward's piano and shout things from the show promos incoherently. He turns on Edward's massive projection screen TV to watch baseball (they both love baseball!), but accidentally opens up the secret spy closet hidden behind it. (Note to Edward: When trying to keep your spy shit secret, maybe you don't put the button that opens it on your TV remote.) Inside, Henry finds a bunch of guns and a box basically containing Edward's life story: his dog tags, newspaper clippings documenting his parents' tragic death in a car crash, his glorious high school football career, photos of him in what looks like Desert Storm, and The Medal of Honor. Henry is impressed and still completely freaked out. Then he spies Edward's car keys and is all like, "Let's roll!"
Henry starts speeding through the only-in-TV empty streets of L.A., when Edward shows up. It should be noted that Henry a second ago? Very drunk. Edward right now? Totally sober. C'mon now! They share the same circulatory system! [Maybe Edward has a higher tolerance? - Zach] Edward calls Alfre Woodard to ask what the hell is happening. She explains, and Edward decides to go to Henry's house for a little payback for the Camaro joyride. He wakes up Henry's wife and has some apparently very wild, and very superior-to-Henry's-performance-abilities sex with Henry's wife.
The morning. Henry wakes up to an appreciatively elaborate breakfast prepared by his wife, and a handwritten note on his hand: "Don't touch my car! EVER!!!" Henry is pissed! "You bastard! You slept with my wife?!" Henry: Zero. Edward: Eleventy gazillion. I doubt that ratio will tip any time soon.
Henry gets in The Elevator, where he is joined by Tom, who is in Tom-mode right now, as opposed to Raymond-mode. They are having one of those superficial co-worker conversations that everybody hates, but Henry is in no mood. He starts asking Tom all these serious questions about his parents and background, and Tom reveals that he's an orphan (they make the best spies!). Henry says that his parents died in a car wreck, and Tom goes all Raymond and stops the elevator, aggressively explaining to Henry that that's how Edward's parents died, not his. Henry needs to stick with his cover and not act like a weirdo. They are going to see Alfre Woodard now. Raymond is totally telling mom!
Nerdy tech guy has Henry on a gurney surrounded by some vague medical equipment in a blindingly white room like the one in The Matrix where they pick out their Matrix mission guns. They are erasing all of Henry's memories of Edward, and the day's events, because he can't keep his cover to himself and they don't want to have to kill him. Which, I mean, isn't really true. He was just asking Raymond some questions, it isn't like he told his wife or started asking other people in the office questions about their cover before he knew they were in on it. Anyway, Henry is still freaked out, and he doesn't appreciate this at all. Too late! A glowing crystal orb is placed over Henry's head and voila! Adios, memories of Edward!
Back at Henry's boring house. Henry's calling his wife to tell her he's going to be late for the soccer game Edward was going on about in his spy vlog in the beginning of the episode. He goes upstairs and changes clothes, then runs down when the doorbell rings. Henry answers it to find a surprisingly only-kind-of-burned Uzi! He says hi to Henry, but Henry has no idea who he is. A thug comes up behind him, puts a bag over Henry's head and drags him into the kitchen. Ohhhh, nooooo! I'm scared again.
Henry is seriously duct-taped to a kitchen stool, and Uzi is explaining that he's going to start asking him questions, and every time Henry lies to him, he's going to execute a member of his family. Uzi is asking for "my case," and calling him Edward. Henry of course does not remember meeting Uzi a couple days ago, and certainly doesn't remember any cases, but under pressure he admits to Uzi that he might be two people. Memory erasure is no match for the spy vlog, Alfre Woodard. Is no one monitoring Edward's Myspace?
Henry takes Uzi and the thugs out to his Dadmobile, and explains that there are items in there he can't explain. A shovel, a GPS tracker, and some other things. Henry turns on the GPS tracker to see where whoever used it last went. He went out to the middle of the desert, apparently, where Uzi is now making Henry dig a very large hole. After some light hole-digging banter and several shots of a very sweaty and somehow still sexy after all these years Christian Slater doing manual labor, he finds "the case!" He throws the case up to Uzi, who has his thug open it for him, lest it's booby-trapped. The case opens without a hitch and Uzi is psyched, saying that he'll be sure to let Henry's wife know that he was a decent guy before he kills her. Ohhh, noooo! It seems Uzi has gone back on his gimme-that-case-and-I-let-you-all-live promise, surprisingly. But hang on a second! Henry called the case "Feinberg's Marbles," which Uzi never said to Henry. Henry victoriously explains that though he and Edward can't meet, they can communicate. Oh, and that Edward had a message for Uzi: "Das vidanya." Henry presses a button on the GPS tracker and KABLOOM! The explosives he or (most likely) Edward had set up around the perimeter of the hole earlier detonate, and Uzi and the thug are blown to smithereens! Yay Henry!
Flashback to Henry calling his wife before Uzi arrived to say he'll meet her at the soccer game. Before he goes up to change, he opens a FedEx package containing a CD. He pops it in his laptop, and we sees the extended version of the spy vlog that opened the episode, with Edward explaining that the GPS tracker would be in the trunk of his car, then cut to...
Alfre Woodard's office. Edward swipes in as "Edward," but he's actually Henry pretending to be Edward. He returns The Marbles to her, explaining that they should keep him around because he does a pretty good impression of his alter ego. He's right, and she knows it. We assume he leaves her office with his memory intact.
Another session with Saffron Burrows. I can't really tell if Henry actually believes she's not a part of this whole spy company or if he's just trying to sell the fact that he can keep his cover on straight to as many operatives as possible, but he's telling her he doesn't think his Edward dream was real anymore, and that the matchbook could have come from anywhere.
Now it's Henry's turn to spy vlog. Edward is in the swingin' spy loft watching Henry's video explaining that the Uzi situation went well, and that this whole thing is "a lot to process." He wants to know why Edward volunteered for this program, he wants to know how many others like them there are out there, and most importantly, he wants him to know there's "an incredible difference" between driving somebody's car, and driving somebody's wife. Edward turns off the video, like, "Yeah, I'm still gonna hit that whenever I want... but I love you, Henry!" They are best friends for life.
week: More zany spy antics!
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