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We pick up where left off last week, with Geraldo (or should I say "Gerardo") hosting a second episode of Inside Probe (think Inside Edition with more overt innuendo) about Crab Shack owner Ernie Belcher. We get a quick recap and then jump right in. There are numerous theories: Alien abduction is the most popular, but Darnell thinks it has something to do with the nation of Central that Ernie still flew the flag of, even though it existed for all of ten minutes during the Civil War. And some folks think it has to do with his fetish videos (he has a site, and most of our cast starred in some of the weird videos on it: Joy kicked Tim Stack's agent in the crotch a bunch of times, Earl ate mac and cheese out of a shoe, Catalina put Tim Stack in a bunch of leg locks, and Randy put on lipstick). Joy finally suggests it might have to do with the surveillance cameras in the women's room.
Well, it doesn't really, but that leads to a tape that is apparently long enough to include things that happened while Geraldo was in town taping Inside Probe (he gives himself a motivational speech into the mirror cam), all the way back to Ernie's disappearance. It turns out he fell into the wet concrete floor being put down in the ladies' room (while trying to change the tape for his cameras) when Darnell and someone else fought on the roof and knocked the power out; the explosion is what made everyone else suspect UFOs and aliens. Ernie's nose, eight years later, still sticks out of the floor. Everyone thought it was a door stop or a gum scraper, but nope, it's a human nose. Everyone touches it, which was possibly supposed to be touching, but was mostly gross. And also impossible, since I'm fairly certain it would have decayed long before now. I think, "Just one more episode in this long season."
Watch the episode here, then discuss this episode in our forums. And see why vlogger Sean Crespo thinks Earl is a terrible monster in No Prior Knowledge!
Want more? The full recap starts right below!We get a brief recap of last week's Inside Probe episode disguised as part of the episode in Earl's voiceover. Randy announces that the second part is on now. Everyone at the Crab Shack watches, and Earl acknowledges they are on Central Time, which he hadn't believed. Geraldo comes on screen and catches us up: Ernie owned the Crab Shack. He disappeared. Everyone loved him. Randy's letters made it seem like he and Earl murdered Ernie. The town freaked out, including the convenience store employee, Catalina and Patty, who thought Ernie was a gentleman, because he held a shirt over her head when it rained while she was "working" on him. It made her feel like a princess. The Hickeys had a cheap lawyer (Wilfrid Dierkes, who's also Tim Stack's agent), so it wasn't looking good. Until Michael Waltrip's -- whose testimony Geraldo says counts as that of three regular Americans -- photos gave them an alibi. So Geraldo tells us where we stand now: Inside Probe decided to dig. A little deeper. Into the Earth. To find the treasure chest. Of the truth. Of this mystery." Geraldo is actually very funny and self-deprecating here, thank God. Funny Inside Probe intro, followed by My Name Is Earl intro.
At the Crab Shack, everyone's watching. Randy can't wait to find out who did it, and he's just glad it wasn't him. Although he acknowledges what an awesome twist that would be, since he's always thought of himself as such a nice guy. Earl thinks someone called the "Cheese Grater Killer" did it. He reminds Randy of the big pile of ground beef with a sock in it that they found in the parking lot. Randy really hopes that wasn't Ernie, since he ate the beef and is wearing the sock. Ew. And ew. Darnell says no one even knows Ernie's dead, and it could be something totally normal, such as he was forced to leave town, change his identity, and maybe he married a hot blonde. Joy asks who marries a hot blonde and doesn't brag about it. Earl thinks if Ernie were alive, he would have found a way to get in touch, so he's sticking with the Cheese Grater.
On screen, Geraldo says the investigation moved on from the Hickey boys to something a little more out-of-this-world. Geraldo's interviewing Randy and Earl, and Earl tells him that Randy has an interesting hypothesis (which Earl can't pronounce): that it was aliens. Geraldo explains that alien abduction stories aren't new, and date all the way back to cavemen. We see some totally real hieroglyphics to illustrate this. Earl says Joy also saw a bright light, so Geraldo can even ask her. Then he compliments Geraldo's 'stache and asks if he puts conditioner on it. Geraldo says he does, but that the conditioner is very expensive.
, Geraldo's interviewing Joy as Earl and Randy play fight in the background. Joy tells the story of how she was selling Wilfrid some muscle relaxants, which were actually leftover birth control pills, when they were both awe-struck by a blinding light from above. Geraldo says police officially discounted the alien theory, but one officer had a different point of view. That would be Stuart. He drew the long straw and was forced to investigate some sort of homosexual party at the park by going undercover. He set up a surveillance camera, which shows him dancing around with the gays. Stuart says that staying in character was one of the toughest professional challenges of his career. Then there's a bright light, which one of the guys said was like being at a Cher concert, but all Stuart could think was, "UFOs."
Internet enthusiast Josh Martin had been working at the Crab Shack that night. He had just finished pouring a new cement floor in the bathroom and was headed out to his truck when the bright light flashed, and he thought, "Woah! I need to get some Radnor 6400 welding goggles." Strangest product placement ever, right? Nescobar-A-Lop-Lop says he saw a UFO once. He explains that it was the Good Year blimp, which he tried to shoot down. Geraldo explains that it's harder to find someone in Camden who hasn't seen a UFO than to find someone who has. Miss Patty, who's hosing out her car and then hollering "," says she believes in alien life because of the freaky stuff she's seen, such as a guy with a green penis. Darnell doesn't believe in aliens, but he'll tell us what he thinks happened to Ernie. Geraldo cuts in and asks what Darnell was about to say when they realized this was a good spot to leave viewers hanging: Could it have something to do with the Civil War? He says they'll "stick the probe even deeper inside when Inside Probe continues." Joy asks Darnell what he was going to say, but he's in the middle of a bite of his sandwich, so holds up his finger for about 30 seconds. Then commercials.
When we're back, Darnell's still chewing, so Joy repeats herself. He finishes chewing and says he doesn't remember, since this was filmed eight years ago. That was totally worth the wait. Geraldo's back, wondering if Ernie's disappearance could have to do with history. Darnell explains that Camden County was reluctant to join either side during the Civil War, so it became its own neutral country of its own, called "the Central." Even though it was more than 100 years ago, Ernie was profoundly loyal to the Central, and even flew the flag on the Crab Shack roof. Randy's up there with the flag, because he and Earl are big Central supporters, too. Earl explains that his great-great-great-great (he doesn't know exactly how many greats) grandfather was a general for the Central. We see an Earl twin in historic clothes in a grainy photo, as Geraldo explains he was Jefferson Washington Hickey, leader of the Central. Earl explains that his great-great whatever just wanted the North and South to agree. Which they did: They agreed to massacre the Central. We get a historic photo of Earl's great-great whatever sitting in an outhouse as men with muskets charge in. Darnell explains that the Central started at 3:30 on March 10, 1861, and was gone by 3:45. But Ernie insisted on flying it even though some saw it as an embarrassment to the town's history. Joy jumps in and says it wasn't an embarrassment and that the Central will rise again when Civil War II starts. Earl helpfully tells Geraldo that if he really wants to talk to someone about Central pride, he should talk to Ernie. Oh, wait. Someone hollers for Earl, and he says, "Hey man, can't you see I'm doing an interview with Gerardo?" [sic]
Geraldo asks if it was overzealous loyalty that led to Ernie's disappearance, or if it might have been something darker, like his involvement in the world of underground kinky sex. Joy would bet on that, since his Internet business catered to "straight-up freaks." Geraldo: "Just how freaky was Ernie Belcher? Pretty freaky." Then he goes to a commercial. Catalina wants to bet $20 that Ernie was the torso found floating in the Camden swamp. Joy has $20 that says he was torn to shreds by that half-dog, half-coyote at the truck stop. Randy: "You think 'dogote'--" (which sounds like "dog Odie," as in Garfield's frenemy) "--did it?" Earl thinks they can't bet on what happened to Ernie, because he was a friend and part of their lives. That matters to Earl. Joy hushes him up, since Geraldo's back.
Geraldo wonders if Ernie's disappearance might have had to do with his dark side. He warns anyone out there not aware of the vast array of pornography on the Internet that they're about to become far less productive. Joy explains that Ernie had a side business where people paid to watch fetish videos that he shot. Joy made a little money by starring in some, but she said it got a little weird. We see a video of her in a school girl outfit, asking Wilfrid who's been a bad boy. When Wilfrid says he has, Joy kicks him in the crotch repeatedly as he says, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." Joy might want to rephrase and say it got A LOT weird.
Earl was also in some videos, in exchange for free crab forever (which he unfortunately didn't tell anyone else at the Crab Shack about, so he doesn't get that deal now that Ernie's gone). Earl's fetish video consists of him sniffing a woman's size 11 red high heel from 1988. He turns it around and it's filled with mac and cheese. He says it's going to be so good, then takes a bite. He breaks character and says, "Wow, this is good. Do I really get to eat the whole shoe full?" Randy interviews that he didn't appear in any of the videos, but then we cut to one of him putting on lipstick, as a creepy voice asks him if he's pretty. He cries and says he is. Catalina says she did some kinky videos for Ernie to get to work with a real TV star. Cue videos of Catalina putting TV's Tim Stack in various scissor locks all over a hotel room. Tim Stack doesn't remember being in any fetish videos, but he also doesn't remember being on Parker Lewis Can't Lose, which he's been told he was on for three years.
Geraldo asks Joy if she has any idea who might have wanted Ernie gone, and she thinks anyone who might have found out about his hidden cameras in the women's bathroom. Geraldo wonders why she didn't mention this sooner, but Ernie had paid her off not to tell the other girls. That's why she always goes in the alley. Geraldo asks her to show him, but she doesn't really have to pee right now, so maybe he should buy her a beer first and she'll try. He actually wants her to show him the cameras, though. She says she will, but she still wants that beer. In the bathroom, Joy shows Geraldo all the hidden cameras, and there are many: three overheads, behind-the-mirror, and the pee-pee cam, which is inside the toilet bowl. Geraldo finds a VCR behind the tampon machine. Will the sick, perverted tape shed some light? First we see the other things that went on on the video: Drunk Randy stealing tampons and sanitary napkins. Catalina trying to hide her secret eating (a bucket of chicken). Patty's working lunch with several guys. Earl hiding in the bathroom after stealing a bottle of liquor. Even Geraldo putting on his game face in the mirror cam. He looks in the mirror and says, "Never show weakness. You're a rock star. You're Geraldo Rivera. This is what they pay you (he holds up a wad of bills). Because you're worth it." Someone's in the bathroom, so he pretends it's not really Geraldo.
They revisit an earlier interview with Darnell, who told them that every night at closing time, he had to go on the roof and take down the Central flag. Inside Probe re-enacts all of this with claymation-looking figures. That night, when he went up there, someone was trying to snatch the flag. Even though Darnell agreed with the guy, it was his job to protect Ernie's property, so he attacked him with lethal precision. The fight caused them to fall into the flag pole, which fell into a power line and caused a big, UFO-looking explosion that night. But what does this have to do with Ernie? On the bathroom cams, we get to see Ernie's final moments. He enters the bathroom with a new videotape. He's walking on skinny boards to avoid the wet cement, but is startled by the commotion on the roof. When the pole hits the power line, the power goes out, and Ernie loses his footing. He falls and sinks into the cement floor. Geraldo stands above his nose, which is still sticking out of the floor. Everyone watching in the Crab Shack gets up and runs to the bathroom, except Tim Stack, who steals everyone's money and food.
In the bathroom, Catalina says she always thought it was a nose-shaped door stop. Joy says she's been using it for years to clean gum off the bottom of her shoes. Darnell says the Crab Shack was part of Ernie, and now he's part of it. Earl wants to give Ernie a real goodbye, so he pats his nose and then picks a booger or something out of it. It's gross, except for the fact that it's totally ridiculous, because the nose would be decayed. He walks out and Catalina follows, because they can't give her any more lines in this episode. Darnell tells Ernie he died like a hero from the Central: "quickly and in the bathroom." He touches Ernie's nose and leaves. Joy tells him "later" and asks him to say "bye" to some of her relatives, "unless, by some miracle, you're in heaven." She leaves. Randy tells Ernie that in case he's alive and breathing through his nose, he wants him to know he's forgiven for the toothpicks, but he will never forgive him for the fish wings. He pinches Ernie's nose shut. So, Randy really could be a murderer! Of an eight-years-dead, undecayed nose. But only over fish wings.
See you week, for what has to be the finale. I have really enjoyed this season, but I think there have been too many episodes at this point, and they've sort of faltered at the end. Let's hope for another rebound for the finale.
Watch the full episode here, then discuss it in our forums. And see why vlogger Sean Crespo thinks Earl is a terrible monster in No Prior Knowledge!
DeAnn is a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com.