We open on a generously sized suburban house, and focus in on the kitchen where a harried Claire (Julie Bowen) is trying to juggle food in the fridge and get her kids to come down for breakfast, while her husband Phil (Ty Burrell) stands by and fiddles with his cell phone. Their daughter Haley (Sarah Hyland) comes downstairs, texting on her phone, and complains about the yelling. Claire takes note of Haley's micro miniskirt and tells her that she's not wearing it. She attempts to get Phil to back her up, but when he glances up from his phone, he tells Haley that she looks really cute. Claire reiterates that it is way too short, "People know you are a girl, you don't need to prove it to them." Younger Daughter Alex (Ariel Winter) says that Luke (Nolan Gould) got his head stuck in the banister again. Phil goes searching for baby oil to free his son from his wooden prison.
In an interview-style segment, Phil & Claire (married 16 years) sit on the couch and Claire says that she was an out of control kid, and doesn't want to see her daughter end up on a beach half-naked and passed out.
On the soccer field Gloria (Sofia Veraga) stands on the sidelines enthusiastically cheering for her son Manny (Rico Rodriguez) while Jay (Ed O'Neill) sits in his tracksuit in a folding chair reading the paper. As Gloria wants to tear the head off of an official, he tells her to take it down a notch. In their interview, Jay & Gloria (married six months) say that they are very different. Gloria says that Jay is from the city and is "big business." She comes from a small village that was poor but beautiful. She proudly says it was the number one village in Columbia for ... She searches for the English word and Jay helpfully fills in, "murders." Charming.
Back on the soccer field, she's screaming like a loon, while Manny stares at a pretty blonde girl on a bike. When a shot gets missed, another parent insists that they take Manny out, but Gloria threatens to take that annoying parent out. She says that her son spent the first half with his hands in his pants, so really she shouldn't talk. A tall and attractive father comes over and says he's wanted to tell off annoying soccer mom for six weeks. He's clearly hitting on her, and then points at Jay and asks if that is her dad. Jay gets offended and says that he's her husband, but he can't actually get out of the lawnchair to chastise Josh properly.
At the airport we see Mitchell (Jesse Tyler Ferguson) cooing to an adorable little baby girl named Lily. He tells the curious fellow passengers that they just adopted her from Vietnam. One says that he and his wife must be thrilled. At this point Cameron (Eric Stonestreet) walks on with a bag full of snacks. In their interview Mitchell & Cameron (together for five years), talk about how they wanted a baby, so they'd asked a lesbian friend to be a surrogate but figured that lesbians in general were already angry enough, pregnancy would make it far worse.
On the plane, Mitchell says that he noticed that everyone stopped fawning over Lily the second that Cameron got on the plane. He says he's going to give the speech, but Cameron talks him down since they are trapped in a confined space with the fellow passengers for the five hours. Then a woman passes by and says, "look at that baby with those cream puffs." Mitchell's totally offended, he says that Lily would have grown up in a crowded orphanage if it wasn't for the "cream puffs" and then starts lecturing everyone about people being homophobic. It's very pompous. But then the camera pans down and we see Cameron desperately trying to get Mitchell's attention, because literally the baby is actually holding a pastry. Mitchell just sits down, while Cameron says that they'd like to pay for everyone's headsets.
Phil is greasing a small tousled head (presumably Luke's) who is fairly well jammed between the rungs on the banister. Alex says that he should get checked out by a specialist, and Haley also announces that she's having a friend over later that day. A boy. Luke and Alex tease and make "ew, gross" noises, while Claire pries for more info. The boy's name is Dylan, but Haley's rethinking inviting him around her family. Wise move, young teenager. Claire says that she's 15, and they are just surprised since it is the first boy she's had over. Phil jokes that he's going to charge the camcorder. He tells the cameras that he is a hip dad, how he talks about texting, being on the internet and knowing the dances to High School Musical. We see a sampling of this; it's as awkward as you'd imagine.
Alex comes in screaming that Luke shot her with a plastic BB gun. Claire says this is Phil's fault for letting him have a gun and therefore she expects him to deal with it. He says, "Uncool." That's not good enough since apparently there was an agreement that if Luke shot someone, the parents would shoot him back. Fair and mean. I like it. Luke starts crying crocodile tears, but Claire doesn't buy it. Then it is a matter of scheduling -- Luke has a birthday party, and when he returns at two, Phil's showing a house, and at three there's a soccer game. They figure that 4:15 is the most available time. Claire puts "shoot Luke" on the calendar, and therefore it's happening. I kind of love her.
Manny is leaving the soccer field saying that he's quitting soccer. Gloria says no, he'd be good if he stopped staring at a blonde girl. In the car Jay wonders why she had to blow up at annoying soccer mom. He wants her to take it down, but she lives high, not down low... or something. He asks for Manny's help, but he's too busy mooning over Brenda to be of any use. Gloria says that the girl in question is 16. He calls her out on her hypocrisy, "So its OK for you to take an older lover?" Nice one. So far, he's the best kid. He wants to get his shiny white silk shirt and go to the mall where she works. Jay says this is a ridiculous plan, and he'll be embarrassed at school. Manny makes him stop the car, and he jumps out, to pick some flowers.
In an interview Gloria tells the cameras that Manny is passionate, like his father. He was crazy, but all they did was fight and make love. She tells a story about how they once fell out of a window together. Jay asks which they were doing at the time. Ha. We don't really get an answer.
At Mitchell and Cameron's house, they are bringing their baby home and Mitchell is worried that she isn't comfortable sleeping because she's used to being around all women at the orphanage. He thinks that maybe she needs a woman's shape to sleep, and he passes her to Cameron, who is a bit on the plus-size. Cameron says that he's gained some weight during the maternal nesting stage. We see him in a pantry in night-vision, stuffing his face full of treats. Mitchell doesn't say anything, but his silence says a lot.
They walk into Lily's room, which Cameron had done up while they were away, and there's sort of a Michaelangelo-esque mural on the wall, featuring Mitchell and Cam as naked angels with carefully placed drapery. He says that it is supposed to be so that they are above her to protect her. Mitchell says that they look like floating fairies and that Cam needs to get the artist Andre in to do something a little less gay. Cameron tells Lily that "red-headed dad is angry dad." Then Mitchell reveals he's stressed because he didn't tell his father they were adopting a baby. Cameron says he knows, and he understands because Mitchell's family is crazy and judgmental and they'd put a damper on this momentous occasion. However, Cameron invited them over for dinner. Mitchell wants to cancel, but Cameron says no, because he can't avoid them forever.
A shady kid (presumably Dylan) looks through the window of the front door at Phil & Claire's before finally ringing the doorbell. Haley and Claire race to get it, Claire wins, but then Haley makes a quick introduction and ushers Dylan upstairs. Claire grabs him to quiz him about his status. She finds out that he's a senior and she snags Phil on the way out to scare Dylan. But in cool dad lingo, he tries to do a fist-bump and calls him a playa. He interviews that it was his plan, to say one thing and then put the fear in with his eyes. He then steps up on the stairs to look down at Dylan, but falls on the baby oil and hurts his back. Dylan cradles him and carries him to the couch, and Phil insists he doesn't want a doctor. He lies in pain for a while.
At the mall we see Manny running around (with Gloria and Jay trailing behind him). He's got a sheet of paper, the flowers and is wearing the puffy shirt from Seinfeld. The paper is where's he's written a poem for Brenda, who works at the Foto Fun store. Jay offers him 50 bucks to stop. But the savvy 11-year-old says he doesn't need money. Jay wonders why he needs a 16-year-old. It's clearly been a long time since Jay was a pre-teen in love. Gloria says that Manny is strong like a bullfighter. Jay can't bear to watch. I can! Please show it! I'm all about teenage humiliation. Anyway, Gloria says that Jay's grumpy because hot soccer dad thought that he was her father. She wants to get him some younger clothes to make him more hip. He doesn't care about that stuff. She thinks it only matters what she thinks of him anyway, and she loves him... no matter how old he is. Aw. Romance. He still thinks that Manny is making a fool of himself, but Gloria says that he's part of their family now and he needs to be more supportive of him. Though she says it in her unique colloquial way. Manny comes back, with a picture, downtrodden because she has a boyfriend. "I gave her my heart, she gave me a picture of me as an old-time sheriff." Ha. If I didn't already love this show, having an 11-year-old paraphrase Say Anything would have tipped me over the edge. The picture is adorable, and Gloria reassures him that it was very brave. Jay starts walking off to the pretzel stand, and a security guard tries to get him in the appropriate mall-walker lane, filled with tons of old people in tracksuits. He walks into a store that appears to sell Ed Hardy-type merchandise.
Claire's in the kitchen cooking and trying to stop a screaming match between Haley and Alex. Alex says she was just getting a book, and that she needs to respect Haley's privacy. Alex says they were just lying in her bed watching a movie and that it was no big deal. Claire looks horrified. She sucks it up and tries to continue making a cake. Alex wants to know if Claire would ever cover up Haley's unwanted pregnancy by claiming that the baby was hers. Apparently this happened to a senior at school. Outside Phil's got the gun, and ready to take aim at Luke, who has put on a padded jacket and extra hat and several pairs of underwear. Inside, Alex continues on about how awesome it would be if Haley were fat and she could have a fake sibling. Claire looks sick and says that it isn't going to happen because Haley's a good girl, and just like Claire was at that age. She quickly runs out of the room. Outside Phil is doling out the punishment; Luke worries that it is going to hurt, but that's the whole point. Claire sneaks upstairs, Luke crouches in the backyard and Phil says that he's learned his lesson... at which point he accidentally shoots Luke in the arm. Great! Child abuse I can get behind. Claire brings Haley's laundry up, but Haley says it is a bad time and refuses to shut the door. She starts giving way too much info about her own personal life and Falcon Crest and an air hockey table. Haley runs outside to complain to Phil that Claire's embarrassing her, but he's trying to cope with Luke and accidentally shoots Dylan and then himself.
Mitchell interviews that his dad isn't completely comfortable with the fact that he has a gay son, and insists on announcing himself before entering a room with them, so he doesn't have to see his son kissing a guy. Cameron wishes that his mother followed the same rules... but apparently we have to wait for that story. Mitchell and Cameron are setting out snacks, when the doorbell rings. Cam's going to get Lily ready, and expects Mitchell just to tell his family quickly. Phil & Claire and family come in, followed by Jay and Gloria. Jay rings the doorbell about 30 times, just to be safe. He's wearing a horrible douchebag outfit. Phil inadvertently feels up Gloria and its weird. They all get settled, as Mitchell tries to tell them about the baby, but Jay interrupts and says that if Cam has boobs, he's out. Haley's bitter and text messaging, Claire explains that Phil shot her boyfriend. Mitchell preserves saying that they'd been longing for a baby, Jay says that is a bad idea, because kids need a mother, and that they should get a dog instead. Claire says that Jay is just trying to say that Mitchell is uptight and can't deal with the chaos of a kid. He says that they are both being insulting in their own special ways. Alex wonders where Cameron is, and Jay presumes that they broke up and that a baby wouldn't have helped matters, and that Cameron was a drama queen anyway, so Mitchell is better off. Mitchell is mad that they insulted him and his boyfriend, who isn't that dramatic. At which point the lights dim, and the music from The Lion King crescendos. Cameron comes out in a big robe, with Lily decked out and holds her up in a spotlight.
Claire changes her tune when she sees the baby. Phil wonders if Lily is going to be a hard name for her to say. I totally missed that line the first time I watched this because I was still laughing at The Lion King stuff. Wrong, but right. Jay announces that he knows he said that a baby was a bad idea, but he's a screw up of a father, who continues to mess up, and he's actually happy for them. He ends with, "I'm not here to spit in your face, I'm here to blow at your back." That sounds dirty, but he says it is supposed to sound better in Spanish, and Gloria obligingly translates. Then everyone passes the baby around and takes pictures of her, as Jay voiceovers some sentimental stuff about love, that we learn is Manny's lame poem to Brenda. Nice one, show.
I'm hooked, I think the appeal is that it's a single-camera show, without a laugh track and while many of the tropes are pretty standard sitcom fare, when they are blended together, it is somehow more appealing. Not sure I'd want to sit through an entire show about Gloria, Jay and Manny, but in bits and pieces, paired with the other segments of this family, it works. Though I do think that the funniest parts happened when the entire family was together, so I'm hoping for lots of big group outings in the future. Like weekly, if possible.