This episode starts off with about five hours' worth of "previously on Miss Match" scenes that basically amount to many people acting like jackasses. I get up, go for a walk, practise my guitar for a little while, fix a snack, come back in, and finally the show is about to get underway. Kate's stomping around the office; because she is such a professional, she is venting her anger at Michael all over the office. She comes into Nick's office and yells at him because her computer is broken or some such, and Nick says, "Frustration noted," and then asks if she could have been any crankier over the past twenty-four hours, and it looks to me like she still is cranky, so Nick might want to be careful with the snide comments. And Kate seems to be shocked that someone would call her out on being such a wench, so Nick says he understands, since Kate thought she was going to "transcend the sexual sands of time with Michael" WHATEVER THAT MEANS at a beach hotel, even though when Kate left the office for the weekend, Nick called her "mystery girl" since he had no idea what she was doing, and I guess this means that Kate has since filled him in, which makes tons of sense considering that she was supposed to be keeping her little indiscretions with Michael discreet, and even if she wasn't supposed to be keeping this a secret, I can't think of anything more annoying than co-workers who inflict their sordid personal lives on you while you're trying to get your work done. Kate sarcastically thanks him for the walk down "memory lane" and Nick says, "Hey, I've suffered enough." Heh. Nick tells her to pick up the phone and return any one of the twenty-nine messages Michael left for her, like, what kind of stalker is Michael anyway, and Kate snits that she left a message for Michael at his job, but admits it was at 1 AM. Even still, she thinks that's the extent of her obligations. Then she whines because she can't believe she has to sit in a room with Lauren and pretend like nothing's happened. If she doesn't improve her attitude, Miss Grundy is going to send her straight to see Mr. Weatherbee.
In a meeting room, Kate and Nick and Jerrold and Lauren are, well, meeting, going over their case, with Kate saying the evidence supports their position that Lauren is responsible for the growth of Mother Earth Footwear, and Nick adds that her husband ditching her a month before he received his statement of equity in the company will be seen as a bad-faith decision to keep Lauren from her fair share of the company. Jerrold chimes in with "rehabilitative alimony" and "the whole enchilada." Nick calls it a "Robin Hood divorce for the holidays," and Lauren says that's good, considering how stressed she's been, so thank god she got away for the weekend, and of course she looks right at Kate, and an oblivious Jerrold says that's great and asks her where she went and Lauren says "Laguna Beach" and starts gushing about the service there. Then she asks Kate what she did over the weekend, and Nick looks uncomfortable as well, and Kate says she was just working, and Lauren breezily praises her dedication.
Outside the office, Kate tells Lauren that they have to talk, but Lauren says, "Actually, I don't think we do." Kate asks what Lauren was doing in Michael's hotel room, and Lauren's response is that they both know what she was doing in Michael's hotel room. Lauren's getting on the elevator as she says she appreciates Kate not joining them, which she says is the only reason she didn't fire her. "But I know you'll do a great job on my case. Because you're a professional." When the elevator doors close, Kate gets on her cell phone to call Michael's cell phone. He answers, asking her what happened to her. "I need to see you tonight," she says, and hangs up, only she was all annoyed instead of all horny. Opening credits.
Kate's mood does not improve when she heads back to the office, only to find Jerrold and Nick drooling over the new temp, whose name is Jillian. And I gotta say, while Jillian ain't ugly, I don't see her reducing Jerrold and Nick to simpletons (more so). She flirts well enough, though, telling the "boys" they should get out since they work so hard. When Kate asks if she has any messages, Jillian hands her a stack and says, "Popu-LAR!" and goes back to stroking the men's egos. Nick and Jerrold order turkey sandwiches for lunch, with Jillian promising to pick out a good one herself, and then she watches the two of them leave such that Kate has to practically snap her fingers to get Jillian's attention. She orders an "avocado wrap" for herself, because Alicia Silverstone is a thespo-vegan. She won't even play characters who eat meat.
Naturally, though, when Kate opens up her sandwich, there's a big ol' hunk of sliced meat in there. I guess this means she won't be able to stuff her face as she meets with her latest matchmaking client, who is right there.
Now here's a woman Nick and Jerrold should be drooling over. Rashmi has come to Kate for help since she's just turned 26, which is her family's cutoff date for finding a love match of her own. Now that she's getting "old," they're going to be going through with the arranged marriage in ten days to Sanjay, a cardiologist. The marriage was arranged when the two of them were in diapers. All Kate can say is "wow." I could barely concentrate, because of the continuity problems. When Kate is shown from the front, her hands are clasped in front of her. When she's shown from the back, her hands are tucked at her sides. "I know my parents want the best for me, but I know what love feels like," she says. Kate asks what happened to him. Rashmi says the guy didn't love her back. She shouldn't worry too much. If he didn't like Rashmi, ain't no woman's getting through to him. Kate says she wants to help, but she can't find Rashmi love in ten days. Rashmi tells her not to worry, that she figures if she has a viable prospect, she can convince her family to give her more time. Fortunately for Kate, she thinks she can handle "viable."
There's a knock on the door, and Nick Burns, company computer guy, comes in. And of course, being the computer guy, he is reticent with messy hair and glasses. Kate makes this exasperated gesture because she's with a client, and if she's so concerned about privacy maybe she should think about CLOSING HER DOOR, for crying out loud. Rashmi says it's okay, she was just leaving. As she's leaving, Kate asks her what kind of guys she likes, and the so-helpful Rashmi says nice, intelligent, "cute doesn't hurt," and she's into music. Kate actually WRITES THIS DOWN, like she needs a reminder not to set Rashmi up with stupid mean ugly guys who hate music. Of course the vague criteria are meant to contrast with Rashmi suddenly getting very specific and saying that the dude doesn't have to be Indian, but he has to be into Vedic astrology. She gives Kate her birthdate and says she'll get an astrologer's phone number for her. She leaves, passing Nick Burns, company computer guy, who's approximately four feet taller than she is. Kate offers him her murdered-living-creature sandwich, but he shakes his head.
In the break room, Jillian's apologizing to Kate, saying she's sure she ordered avocado, but promises to reimburse her. Kate says she's not going to take Jillian's money, but Jillian makes the classy move of saying her family has lots of money. "First of the month I get the envelope," she says. Kate wonders then if she's interested in a career in the law. "God no," says Jillian. "I'm temping for a husband." Kate seems a little surprised, and comes up with "that's honest," and Jillian says it's best to just get the word out there. She makes some small talk with Kate, mainly to find out if Kate's stepping out with any of the office talent (even as Jillian laments that there are only two prospects at Fox & Associates). Jillian babbles on about whether Kate dates other lawyers, and Kate says she tries to keep her personal and professional lives separate (along with rueful little smile). That's great, because Jillian's going after somebody. She starts going on about Jerrold, saying she doesn't normally go after older men, but Jerrold is sexy in that "distinguished gentleman" kind of way. "He's my dad," says Kate. "Line crossed!" says Jillian. Then she considers the bright side: Kate must have saved a fortune in interview outfits. She flounces out. Kate looks rather unimpressed. But Jillian's still better than Claire.
We're at the astrologer's office, and for some reason Kate has dragged Victoria along. I mean, not that I don't enjoy the presence of Lake Bell, but if she's just going to drag out this silly astrology stuff, I'm not interested. The astrologer is explaining that Vedic astrology uses the zodiac to figure out compatibility -- psychologically, emotionally, sexually. "All from a simple birthdate," he says, so Victoria fires off hers: August 12, 1978. "You promised you were just going to listen!" chides Kate, who tells the astrologer that Victoria is an "astrology junkie," which is certainly news to anyone who has watched every episode of this show and has never once seen Victoria mention astrology, not even as Kate is MATCHING PEOPLE UP, and Victoria seems chastened, at least until the astrologer asks her to name a potential love match. Kate at first protests that they're here to discuss her client, but since Victoria can't come up with anyone, Kate gives in and suggests Nick Payne, whose birthday is June 8, 1974, which gave me a bit of a start, because he has the same birthday is the first girl I had a crush on back in Grade 7. Anyway, Victoria seems kind of annoyed that Kate suggested Nick, like maybe Victoria would have preferred to give the astrologer Bad Santa's birthday, but since she didn't even know Bad Santa's real name, I'm going to guess she doesn't know his birthday. It doesn't matter, because the astrologer types her birthday into the Plot Contriv-U-Tron 3000, and says, "Wow." Victoria's amazed she got a wow. The astrologer explains that she and Nick both have moons passing through their constellations or whatever, but the main thing is she and Nick have "amazing" sexual compatibility. "Does it say anything about positions?" says Victoria, and maybe there's a hose nearby that somebody could turn on her. Kate interrupts this to give the astrologer a list of men and their birthdates, and he promises to email with the results. And since we've got an episode to fill, he asks Kate for her birthday. She gives it. And the birthday of the man in her life? Kate protests that she's not really seeing anyone, but the astrologer doesn't buy it, and Victoria prods her to give Michael's birthday, but she refuses, rudely saying that she doesn't believe in this stuff. "You are susceptible to a confused heart," says the astrologer. "I see one door opening with one man, and a second with another." "Oh, come on," says Kate. "You will see," says the mystic Indian.
At the Only Bar, Michael says he showed up at the hotel and Kate's completely "MIA" and he called all over the place for her, including the hospital, and he wants to know what happened. "I called the hotel, and Lauren answered," says Kate. "What?" says Michael, which only sets Kate off. "What the hell was she doing there?" Michael says that he ran into Lauren when he was checking into the hotel. So, it was all a big COINCIDENCE? yells Kate, and Michael says he didn't tell Lauren they were going to be there, so unless Kate did, yeah, it was all a big coincidence. So Kate says, and you just happened to bump into her in your ROOM? Michael says she stopped by his room and they had one drink while he was waiting for Kate, and Lauren must have answered the phone when he went for ice. "But why would you even let her in your room?" says Kate, and Michael lamely says that he was flustered, and that he felt caught since they'd been lying to her all this time. Nice try. And while all of the above have been theorized as possible excuses for Michael's behaviour, Kate asks the one question that nobody had been able to figure out: "But I was due to arrive any minute. What were you going to do when I showed up? None of this makes any sense!" Michael's explanation is…he can't explain it. Yeah. Thanks, writers. Good work. So, like any guy caught acting like a jackass, he goes on the offensive and asks where the hell she gets off not returning his phone calls. Kate's look says, "Oh no you di'in't." "I was angry. I still am," she says, and adds that if Michael weren't sending Lauren mixed signals, she wouldn't be showing up all over the place. Michael denies sending mixed signals, says Kate is "being silly" (sure to convince her he's right), and says she's reading more into this than there is. So the anger escalates, with Kate indignant that Michael's accused her of overreacting, and Kate angry that Michael won't say anything to make her feel better; he just lets himself be manipulated by Lauren, and then she calls him stupid, which he kinda has turned out to be. So Michael's all "forget it," and Kate is shocked that maybe Michael doesn't want to be in a relationship where he tries to hide their relationship from the very woman Kate wants him to hide it from -- and then she calls him "stupid" for doing it. Yeah. But Michael wants to take a break, because if it's this hard before things have even begun, what's the point? Kate's crestfallen. Seriously. Her crest just fell.
So when Kate's upset, the best thing to do is put her hair into this weird swept-back thing on top and then go for coffee with Victoria so she can rant and rave about Michael and wonder what "take a break" means, and let's hope that "take a break" doesn't become a running joke that lasts for eighty years like on Friends, and Victoria says that "take a break" means Michael is a child, albeit one in a hot body, like, thanks for that. Kate says that a couple should be able to fight without breaking up, even if one calls the other "stupid" in the heat of the moment. "You called him stupid?" says Victoria. "I don't think guys like to be called stupid." She says it as mildly as she possibly can, so Kate tries to spin the fight just a little bit more and says she should be able to get upset and have him comfort her, and Kate's screeching is REALLY REALLY REALLY starting to get on my nerves. "I can't believe I thought he could be The One," she says. And Victoria makes some facetious statement about making men wear cowbells that ring if they're The One, and Kate tells her to get working on that, and maybe they shouldn't be drinking in the middle of the day like that.
And Kate jumps her cue and looks over to see Nick and Jillian entering the coffee shop, and mention is made of Victoria's "astro-match," and Victoria jokes that he's already cheating on her. "What an astro-hole," she says. Hee! She asks Kate who the blonde is and Kate says it's the "dippy" new office temp, and whispers that Jillian "literally" told her that she's working just to find a husband, like I guess Kate would have more respect for Jillian if she weren't trying to find a husband on her own and PAID KATE A THOUSAND DOLLARS TO GET FIXED UP WITH MEN KATE BARELY KNOWS IN ORDER TO FIND A HUSBAND. I mean, good God. So Nick strolls over and says, all Beastie Boys, "Hey, ladies." To Kate, he says, "Day off?" and she says she was just leaving, and snarkily notes that he's there with a colleague, and he makes mention of "jealousy" being a "green-eyed monster" and Kate says yeah, I sure wish Jillian laughed at everything I said too. Victoria and Nick say hello to each other, at which point Victoria spills coffee all over herself. And instead of immediately offering to represent her in her lawsuit, Nick takes an ice cube from his juice or iced cappuccino or whatever and puts it on the burn. Jillian sidles up and says that you shouldn't put ice on a burn, because you could cause frostbite, which is one of the most ludicrous things I've ever heard, yet Nick takes medical advice from the man-hunting office temp. And they go back to the office to put the "dic" into "dictation."
When they leave, Victoria says she felt a jolt when Nick touched her. Kate says she's just projecting because of what the astrologer said, but Victoria denies this, and if this stupid plot is going where I think it is, I'd like to grab my jumper cables and give Victoria a jolt.
Kate sticks her arm between closing elevator doors, instead of grabbing one to push the bar in order to get the doors to open again, and fortunately there's someone already on the elevator who isn't a dingbat, and he opens the doors for her, and Kate gets on and thanks him, and it's Nate Fillion, who most Twoppers undoubtedly know as a non-titular guy from Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place, since he hasn't been on any even marginally good television show since then. Anyway, he starts talking in that way that gets good-looking guys laid and gets regular-looking guys slapped with restraining orders or slapped across the face; he asks if it would be crossing the line of "elevator etiquette" if he told her how good she smells. "I'll allow it," says Kate, adding that she'll allow it only if he doesn't move any closer to sniff her. But he doesn't stop, and guesses "vanilla" or "orange" and she says "both, actually" and they have a good laugh as he asks if she doesn't get confused about whether she should eat stuff or wear stuff, like, SHOOT ME NOW.
Anyway, they got off on the same floor, and after he gallantly allows her to go first to the reception desk, she declines since she works there, and so he introduces himself to Jillian as "Adam Logan" and that he's a little bit early for his deposition. Kate's all, "You're Lauren's husband?" and he pleasantly says that it's not really how he likes to introduce himself these days, and how unlikely is it that Kate doesn't know what he looks like, but anyway, she introduces herself as Lauren's attorney. "Well. Isn't this interesting," he says. No, it isn't. It really isn't. Commercials.
Deposition's underway. Kate asks Adam to state his full name and date of birth for the record, and his birthday is May 4, 1973. "That makes me a Taurus," he says, adding that he can be a bit stubborn and a bit of a homebody, like, can we shut up with the astrology for five minutes here, and Kate asks him if it's true that he walked away from his marriage six months ago, and he clarifies that it was more like he ran away, but it was indeed six months ago. And we also establish that Adam was given a controlling share in "Mother Earth Sandals" (which up until now has been known as "Mother Earth Footwear") as a gift from his parents about a month after he left the marriage. Kate wonders if the breakup was a way to keep Lauren from getting her share of a highly profitable company. Adam's response is that even if they had still been married, the stock was a gift to him alone, so she wouldn't have been entitled to any of it anyway. Kate marvels that he's been well coached, to which the tastefully named Daniel Dae Kim says, "Objection," like, THERE'S NO JUDGE HERE, you so-called lawyer. And Adam admits that he and "Clifford" did work on that one, but he's still glad that none of his money has to go to "Crazy" over there, and Lauren calls him an "ungrateful bastard," and Nick quietly says, "Let's try not to do that," and Kate asks Adam to refrain from insulting her client and Adam promises to try, but…well, Kate's spent time with her, so she should know. And the arguing begins again, with Lauren saying she made the company what it is, and Adam saying he gave her everything he had and she threw it away, so he's not giving her anything else, and Jerrold suggests everybody take a break. And when Adam gets up, he says to Kate, "Definitely more orange than vanilla," and Kate can't help but smiling, like, maybe she could stop undermining her client for even just a little while. I'm sure Miss Alli would be willing to help out with some legal tips.
Back in her office, Kate listens to a message from Michael saying he wants to see her and they should keep talking, like, he can't stop with the mixed signals, and Nick Burns, company computer guy, pops back into the office and Kate thanks him for fixing her computer, since she was moments away from kicking its ass, and he responds with a bunch of computer lingo. When Nick Burns doesn't leave, Kate finally deduces he needs something, so he hems and haws and asks if there's any way she could set him up with "that Indian girl" who was there yesterday, since she was so incredibly beautiful. Kate says that the guy has to be into Vedic astrology, so tough luck. But then Nick Burns gives her his birthday, April 27, 1977, so Kate checks, and whaddaya know! "Not only are your rising signs compatible, but the rulers of your rising signs are compatible. According to this, you're an amazing match!" and naturally the accompanying wacky music has to include sitar in it. "Cool. I don't have any dinner plans," says Nick Burns.
The phone is ringing at the empty receptionist's desk, so Kate, walking by, sits down and answers it. It's for Jillian, and Kate suggests calling back later, like, Kate isn't much of a receptionist herself. Jillian and Nick stroll in, arm in arm, with Jillian gushing about what a perfect meal it was and how much she loved that Nick ordered for her. "Well, you can't go wrong with a chopped salad," says Nick. Heh. "Any messages?" Jillian asks Kate, whose eyes go really, really wide. "Can you please warn me the time you decide to take a long lunch?" Nick graciously takes full responsibility, so Kate tails him to give him hell for a little while. Not surprisingly, Nick doesn't at all wonder why Jillian's taken such a strong interest in him. "She wants to marry you," says Kate. "As well she should," says Nick. Hee! "Fine. Never mind," says Kate, who tells Nick to let her know when a wedding date is set.
At the Only Bar, Nick Burns is trying to make conversation while Rashmi is rather rudely looking all around the restaurant. Although, in her defence, Nick Burns is asking questions like "What part of India are you from?" and when Rashmi stares at him and says, "Los Angeles," he follows it up by asking how L.A. compares to her homeland. "About the same," she says. Victoria, as usual, is spying on the couple. "East meets West is going south," she tells Kate over the phone. So Kate hatches a plan.
Victoria plops down an already-opened bottle of champagne on the table and says, "Courtesy of Kate Fox," and Nick Burns and Rashmi both smile. Victoria asks for Nick's ID. "Are you kidding me?" he says. "Sorry, babyface. It's the law," she says. She takes his ID, compliments him on his cute picture, then reads the birthday, "January 21," which happens to be my brother's birthday. And Rashmi gets a little upset that he lied about his birthday. Wouldn't she just be okay to pretend to be into him to get her parents off her back? Like Apu did with Marge?
"I can't believe he lied about his birthday," says Kate over the phone to Rashmi, and in case anybody watching is really stupid, Rashmi explains that that's why the date sucked. I'm certain it had nothing to do with Rashmi behaving like she'd rather be having a root canal. Kate asks her if she really believes in the astrology stuff, and Rashmi points out that the guy she loved broke her heart and he wasn't a Vedic match, and Kate suggests that it was just a coincidence, that maybe he broke her heart because she thought he was the right guy but he wasn't, which is a nice little tautology. Rashmi says she has to go with her parents to meet with the groom's family, and she nixes Kate's suggestion that she talk to her parents about how she feels, and asks Kate to come with her to the meeting. Yeah. Because the traditionalist Indian parents are going to listen to the white rich girl from L.A.
The day, Kate shows up at the office to Jillian's news that there are people waiting for her in the conference room. It's Rashmi with her family, who are there despite Rashmi's protests. Rashmi's mother tears a strip off Kate: "Don't you have enough clients that you don't have to pick on our daughter?" Hee! Go, Rashmi's mom! I have a Hindu friend from high school whose mom always spoiled us when we were at his place. We'd be playing Sega and Mrs. Dube would ask us if we'd like anything to eat, and we'd tell her no, but she'd always whip up curries and samosas and the most amazing Indian food (which we secretly knew she'd do anyway even if we turned down her offer). Kate suggests they all sit down, and when they do, she tells Mr. and Mrs. "Chopra" (like, way to make an effort to come up with an Indian name, Hollywood) that Rashmi came to her for help. Mr. Chopra asks just who the hell Kate is to question their traditions. Kate says she's not trying to do that; she's just trying to help Rashmi find a compatible match. "Do I go out and steal your clients? I don't think so!" says Rashmi's…sister? Cousin? At any rate, it's Savita, the woman who brokered the marriage. "Rashmi and Sanjay are fated for each other!" she yells (although couldn't one argue that if that were actually true, they wouldn't need an arranged marriage?) and points out Sanjay's good family, and the fact that he went to Yale and is a doctor. Kate says that a good pedigree doesn’t necessarily make Rashmi a lucky woman. "She wants to marry for love." Rashmi's father says he and his wife were married as strangers and grew to love each other. "Rashmi and Sanjay will be no different."
Afterwards, Kate suggests Rashmi at least meet the guy, and if it doesn't feel right, she can end it right there. But maybe her father's right, and they are meant to be together. Rashmi wonders if she really believes that people are ever meant to actually be with other. Kate says she'd like to.
To that end, she's back at the astrologer's, giving him Michael's birthday. "So you're no longer a skeptic, Miss Fox?" he says, and she says she doesn't know where to start, and he says that's as good a place to start as any. Kate says she's at a loss with Michael. The astrologer can see why. "There is great potential between you two, but there is so much you cannot see." "Like what?" says Kate. "I don't know. You're the one in the relationship, not me," he says. Thanks, guru. She asks if he can be more specific, like whether they're meant to be together. "Of course," he says. "Of course?" says Kate brightly. "You have much to teach each other before you move on." "Move on?" "Progress." Kate's all, like move on away from each other, or move on closer to each other? And the guru gives a bunch of vague answers like it's for Kate to decide and that "time will tell." Kate's all, "For $250 an hour, you better tell." She wants to know if there's any chance Michael could be The One. Guru closes the book. "Open your heart to his. Be brave. Be true. And in his eyes, you will know. You will know everything." Kate beams.
Michael's reading in his apartment. There's a knock at his door, and when it opens it, there's Kate, who just starts babbling away, like Michael's wishing it could have been someone less annoying, like Jehovah's Witnesses maybe. And she goes on about how she's sick of explanations and if they're meant to be together they're just going to have to trust each other. He tells her to slow down, but she says she can't since she needs to get this out. But it's too late; she's lost her train of thought. "Can I jump in?" says Michael. Kate says yes. "I don't want to take a break." Kate smiles and says she remembers what she was going to say. "I don't think you're stupid," she says. Oh, okay. Awww. They kiss, and he closes the door to the apartment. Are they finally going to rock the casbah? Commercials.
Like the couple in the soup commercial, my parents have lots of plans for when all of their children are out of the house for good. But their plans are slightly more ambitious than eating a REALLY GOOD bowl of chicken soup. For Christ's sake.
Casbah's been rocked. Kate and Michael are naked in bed. They wake up and snuggle and joke about playing hooky, but they can't because Kate has to "prep for trial" and Michael has to "be an architect." They nuzzle a little. "Of course, I don't have to leave this second," she says. But the doorbell rings. Kate says that if that's Lauren, she's going to streak naked through the living room. Michael says she can do that anyway, and gets up to answer the door. You'd think the possibility that it might actually be Lauren would preclude Kate from picking up the telephone and having a loud conversation with Victoria about how she's calling from Michael's bed, but you'd be wrong. "Tell me everything!" says Victoria. Kate says she came overprepared for a conversation, but then Michael was the "sweetest" and then he was the "hottest" and she realizes now that everything they went through was just about teaching each other stuff, or whatever. Never mind that, though, as far as Victoria's concerned. "How was the sex?" "Amazing!" squeals Kate. Michael comes back in, so she hangs up. "Who was it?" she asks. It was a process server, with a subpoena from Adam's attorney to appear at the trial. Kate wants to know what he'd want Michael there for. "I have no idea. Hopefully not as a character witness," he says, and he kisses her again, so she forgets what ought to be a rather troubling question.
Kate and Rashmi are meeting with Sanjay's parents; Sanjay's father praises the sweets Rashmi chose. Then in comes Raj, Sanjay's brother, who says hello and lets his gaze linger rather obviously on Rashmi. "He lives his own life," says Raj's father after Raj leaves. And here comes Sanjay, who apparently was a contestant on Average Joe, and of course he's a lot more stiff than the friendly Raj. Rashmi tries to be friendly. "I heard you did your residency in New York." "Great city," says Kate, but Savita whispers, "Do not try to suck up. I will see right through you!" There's Kate's Eeek! face. Sanjay, whose stiffness is due partly to characterization and partly to crappy acting, says he also likes New York. "Great museums," he says. "And a great music scene!" says Rashmi hopefully, but Sanjay says, "Most music gives me a headache." Kate even tries to help by commenting on Rashmi's love of movies, but Sanjay says, "I rarely find time to go to the theatre. We can always rent them." Rashmi casts a sidelong glance at Kate. Why, they're not meant for each other at all! He's so dour!
Afterwards, as Rashmi tells Sanjay and his family that it was nice to see them again, Kate says it's obvious the two of them make no sense together and she's happy to start looking for someone else. But Rashmi tells her not to bother. "Maybe we'll learn to love each other," she says, and Kate's all whuh? Rashmi says she's tired of fighting her family. "The wedding's Saturday. I hope you'll come," she says, adding that Kate's presence will at least remind her family that she has her own ideas. Yeah, her own ideas that she's completely giving up on here.
Back at the office, Victoria struts in wearing a boob-popping blue dress and asks Jillian if Nick's in. Obviously lying, Jillian says that he's in a meeting and likely will be there all day. So leave him a message that I was here, says Victoria. Sure, says Jillian, looking at her. "You're not writing," says Victoria, so Jillian finally jots the message down, only to rip it up again as soon as Victoria leaves. Devious!
The presence of Victoria's chest has obviously inspired Jillian to kick her husband-finding campaign into high gear, so she walks into Nick's open office (and he appears to be just sitting there, staring into space) and closes and locks the door behind her. She tells him to be honest and asks if he's feeling what she's feeling. Without missing a beat, he says, "Of course I am." And they start making out, only to have her stop and pretend she's conflicted about doing this at the office, since they're "colleagues." Nick promises not to sue her, but she says she wants to do this right and suggests dinner on Saturday night. Nick agrees, and she sashays out, leaving Nick a little more than befuddled.
At the trial, Kate's questioning Lauren about how her husband ditched her so as to avoid giving her an equity stake in Mother Earth Footwear, which, you know, calls for speculation, only nobody says anything, and Lauren explains how she gave the company every dime it made by targeting its advertising towards the teen market (certainly a brilliant tactic that no one else could have come up with). Nick and Jerrold even smile at each other over what a masterful job Kate is doing of questioning her own witness. But now it's Clifford's turn. He reminds Lauren of her contention that Adam walked out on her on June 8 of that year. That's Nick's birthday! Coincidence? Or could it just be that the writers couldn't be arsed to pick another of the 365 days of the year to choose from? Clifford then suggests that the marriage ended months earlier because of her own actions. "I don't know what you're talking about," she says, and Clifford asks her if she recognizes the email address MichaelM572@hotmail.com, which she does (as does Kate, whose eyes go wide). That's Michael Mendelsohn's email address, she says (Kate turns to look at Michael, sitting in the gallery, who gives us this "I don't know where this is going" look). At Clifford's request, Lauren points out who Michael is, and identifies him as an old friend. Yes, they've carried on conversations via email. "We would pass along jokes," she says. "Really. Jokey emails like this one, dated June 28th of last year?" He then proceeds to read it out. "'The time I see you, I am going to' -- reference to oral sex -- 'until you beg for mercy. I could' -- reference to orgasm -- 'just thinking about you.'" Yipes. Jerrold jumps up and objects on relevance grounds. Kate just looks sick. "It's extremely relevant to the question of bad faith, your honour," says Clifford, and the judge allows it. The one: "'I can hardly think of anything else but you being' -- state of male sexual arousal -- 'waiting for me.' Are you the author of these little gems?" Lauren says she is. But she wasn't the only one who wrote them. Clifford reads one from Michael. "'Enough of the talking. I want you to' -- references to myriad sexual activities." While Clifford's reading this, Michael storms out of the courtroom, probably because Clifford is censoring all the good parts. Clifford asks if it's true that it was Lauren's husband's discovery of the salacious emails that caused the breakup of the marriage, and not anything to do with finances. "Objection, calls for speculation," says Kate, wearily. Clifford withdraws the question.
In the hall, Lauren is smoking, so now we know she's evil. Kate walks up to her and says there's no smoking in the building. Lauren ignores this and asks if it isn't illegal for her computer to have been searched like that. "Not if it's the company's computer," says Kate. "So, Lauren, will you please level with me. You and Michael really have been…involved." Lauren tears a strip off her and tells Kate to stop thinking about herself for five minutes. I've watched the scene a few times, and Kate's rather hurt here, but I think she's asking this question as Kate Fox the attorney, rather than as Kate, Michael's possible girlfriend. I mean, she knew they had been involved before, so I'm not sure why the discovery of sexual emails would be so shocking to her. I think it's the fact that she got surprised with it in court, especially since it really hurts their case. Not to mention that Michael wasn't honest about it with her; he had to have had some idea what was going to happen when he got the subpoena, so when Kate asked him about it, he should have told her, since the eventual discovery of it was going to hurt her both personally and professionally. Anyway, Nick pops by to let them know that the judge is ready, which apparently didn't take very long.
No surprise -- the judge finds in favour of Adam, since he clearly only dissolved the marriage after finding out his wife was involved with another man, only I missed the part where they established that he did find that out beforehand, since Lauren and Michael didn't seem to know that Adam knew. Anyway, Lauren goes running out of the courtroom, Kate following her. Lauren runs all the way to her car, which nabbed an amazing parking spot at a meter directly in front of the courthouse. Kate gets in the passenger seat and tries to comfort Lauren, who is complaining about getting nothing after turning the company into a $200 million business. Through the windshield, she sees Adam getting into his car. And he similarly managed to find a parking meter right outside the courthouse, only he and Lauren seem to be the only ones using them, since there are five or six empty spots between the cars. And did Adam sprint out to his car too? What's he doing there so quickly? Lauren floors it, much to Kate's horror, and slams into the back of Adam's car. She does this a couple of times. But is anyone really surprised? I mean, she smokes. Airbagz-a-poppin'! Commercials.
At the hospital, Jerrold is pacing back and forth. Let's just assume he's awaiting the results of a paternity test, and it just happens to be at the hospital where Kate's being treated. When she walks out holding an ice pack to her arm, he says, "Thank God for airbags." She asks how Lauren is. Physically she's all right, but she's "cuckoo for cocoa puffs." Does he mean that she seriously has mental problems? Because after having just finished Andrew Solomon's amazing The Noonday Demon, I can safely say that ain't funny. But Jerrold doesn't stop there; he adds that Adam may be "touched in the head" too, since he's not interested in pressing charges. Jerrold even wants Kate to get a letter from him to that effect before he comes to his senses. You know, Jerrold, she was just in a car accident. Maybe you could send Nick to do it, or handle it yourself.
Wedding day. I couldn't think of any one-syllable words with Indian significance to replace "white" in the Billy Idol song, and that's pretty much the limit of my wedding pop-cultural references. So sorry about that. And Kate's dragged Victoria along for some reason, possibly to whine about Michael and Lauren's dirty emails. But Victoria can't be bothered, because "whoa, cute groomsman." It's Raj, who comes over to ask Kate's help because, surprise surprise, he's secretly in love with Rashmi. They were secretly involved six years ago but Sanjay found out and forced them to stop, which Raj did, for the good of the family. Funny how none of this came up before. Kate doesn't know how she can help. "Just give her this," says Raj. It's something from the last night they spent together. "Please," he says. "You're one of the few people here who believes in true love," like, way to denigrate your whole culture, pal. Kate beams.
Rashmi's all dressed up and waiting in the bride's tent or whatever, and when Kate strolls up, Rashmi says she hopes Kate isn't there to try to talk her out of this, because it's too late. "Raj asked me to give you this," says Kate, and hands over a backstage pass saved from the Sting concert they went to. On the back, Raj has written, "Every breath you take, I'll be watching you." Oy. People. Can we all learn for once and for all that "Every Breath You Take" is NOT a love song? It is a song about stalking. STALKING. But of course Rashmi's all a-flutter, and Kate says she still has a chance to marry someone who loves her, and it's funny how Rashmi never mentioned the Raj thing to Kate, but anyway, there's Raj waiting right there, like, why the little coward needed Kate there I have no idea, but he comes in and says they belong together and they sit down and kiss and Rashmi says, "It's always been you, Raj," so maybe this is the guy Rashmi was talking about earlier, but who knows. Kate sneaks away. I thought she was leaving the lovebirds alone, but instead she's gone to get Sanjay (and Victoria, like, why does she have to drag Victoria everywhere?). Sanjay says he doesn't think it's proper to enter the bridal tent before the wedding. "Dude, that's the least of your worries," says Victoria. Oh. So that's why she's there. For the wisecracks.
Raj and Rashmi are still steaming up the bridal tent when Sanjay enters and wants to know what the hell's going on, so we get a very badly acted fight. And Savita and all the parents show up to screech at Kate, except for Raj's dad, who's thrilled because he thought he'd never get Raj off his hands. Sanjay spits that if Raj is going to marry Rashmi, then he's going to start dating Angela. "Angela? Who's Angela?" says his dad. Turns out she's an anesthesiologist at the hospital, who's everything Sanjay wants in a woman. But does he have to look so angry about it?
Later, an Indian band is playing "Every Breath You Take" in Hindi (hee!) while everyone dances, including Victoria, who is all over another of the cute groomsmen. On the sidelines, Kate all suck-up is telling Savita what beautiful traditions her culture has. Savita responds by hogging all the credit for matching up Raj and Rashmi, and Kate just smiles. Of course, it's not as if Kate actually did anything herself.
The Only Bar. Nick and Jillian are having dinner while Jillian grills him about pressing things like how many kids he wants. "Four boys," he says. "Or maybe a gaggle of girls who can dote on me like a little harem," like, what kind of sick fuck is Nick anyway, and Victoria strolls over to praise their choice of wine, noting that this must be a special occasion. Any night away from the office is a special occasion, says Nick, and Victoria makes a comment, something having to do with "all work and no play," and then she says Nick must have been swamped the other day when she stopped by to see him. Looking directly at Jillian, she says, "Or didn't you get that message?" Nick's all, what message? But Victoria's called away to another table. Nick pleasantly inquires about Victoria stopping by, and all Jillian can say is that "she's all wrong" for Nick, who laughs, saying there's nothing going on between the two of them. "Yes, there is," says Jillian, who can see it in their eyes whenever they're together. This is news to me. "We're barely even friends," says Nick. "But where do you get off deciding who can talk to me?" So Jillian spazzes off on him, saying that she can't believe she was going to quit her job for him and that just because she's a temp doesn't mean this is a "temporary relationship," while Nick has this look on his face like, "Oh yeah, all women are marriage-seeking psychos." When she says, "Well, buddy, the milk ain't free!" Nick just says, "Whoa!" and Jillian storms off.
Nick goes over to commiserate with Victoria, who wonders if he's giving up on interoffice romance. "Dying alone suddenly seems like a viable option," he says, and asks why she stopped by the office. Victoria says she just wanted to thank him for the other day, which Nick calls a "nice effort" and asks for the real reason. She hesitates, saying it's too embarrassing, but Nick gets her to admit that "Kate's freaky astrologer" ("freaky"? I thought Victoria was the astrologer junkie) compared their moons. "Sexually, we're off the charts. Triple-X," she says. Naturally, Nick's more than a little intrigued, as Victoria admits she was too. Nick calls the prospect "somewhat tantalizing." "Hey, cowboy. Rodeo's cancelled. Yeah, I came to my senses," she says, and then the supposed astrology junkie says she doesn't even believe in that stuff. A disappointed Nick says he doesn't either. Then, he offers to help as Victoria struggles with a box of wine bottles; he follows her into the wine cellar. And we all know what happens in the wine cellar? Yes, Victoria stands on her tippy-toes to put wine bottles away, and also to arch her ass towards Nick. "Last one," he says as he gives her a wine bottle. Then she turns around, looks at Nick, takes his face in her hands, and they start kissing, wildly flailing around the storage room, knocking over boxes and rolls of toilet paper. Sexy! I'll tell you what -- Michael and Kate could take a lesson from these two.
Kate's bringing flowers and papers to Adam in the hospital, and he calls her the "friendly lawyer," but Kate says she feels bad about what happened. Adam points out that she was in a car with a raving lunatic, so it's not exactly her fault. Kate quickly explains that she's got documents regarding the final separation of properties, as well as absolving Lauren of liability. "Excuse me?" says Adam, and Kate hastily adds that it's in exchange for Lauren waiving the rest of her outstanding claims. Adam asks her to send it to his lawyer and they can take it from there, which makes all kinds of sense, something in short supply at Fox & Associates. She apologizes and turns to go, and he tells her to stop by anytime, since he's going to be there for a while and he can only spend so many hours watching ESPN, like, crack a book, you nitwit horndog, as he says maybe now that the case is wrapping up, he and Kate can be friends. Kate seems open to that but doesn't say anything, and at any rate her happy mood is ruined by Michael showing up. "You two know each other?" says Adam. "Apparently not as well as I thought," says Kate. She leaves, and Adam asks Michael if he has something going on with her. Michael says he keeps screwing it up, which Adam notes seems to be Michael's specialty: "Screwing up your love life, my love life…" Michael tells him to hold on and goes running after Kate.
She whips around and tells him that if he thinks an apology is going to cut it, he's "deluded." He says he doesn't know what to say, other than that the email thing happened before he even met Kate, and he has no other explanation other than that he was lonely and stupid. "It's so much more than that!" says Kate. Blah blah blah, let's just fast-forward through Kate bitching about Michael constantly letting her down. "You can't let this ruin what we have," says Michael. "What is 'this'? It's YOU," says Kate. "I don't trust you." Michael does the whole "look in my eyes" thing with all the sincerity he can muster, but Kate just squints at him. "Nothing's changed between us," he says. "Everything's changed," she says, and she turns around and walks away as Sarah McLachlan warbles on in the background. Yes, Sarah. They have fallen.