So we start off with a bunch of inane "previously on" scenes, which never fail to annoy me, like, give the audience some credit to remember your tired plots from week to week, especially when you know the dialogue is going to be written in such a way as to remind viewers again what happened last week, no matter how forced it sounds. I mean, case in point right here: why waste time with those stupid scenes when you're just going to have Victoria and Kate traipsing around in the Hollywood Hills rehashing everything that happened last week? Victoria calls the fact that Jerrold forbid Kate to see Michael "Shakespearean," like, nice try, never mind that Jerrold did no such thing, and Kate whines about it for a while, but not too much, since she grudgingly admits that if she were Lauren she'd probably do the same thing, and Victoria calls Lauren a "puppet master" who has Kate and Michael "dangling," and Kate says they weren't exactly "dangling" at her place last night, which doesn't even make any sense, but that doesn't stop Victoria from running with the puppet theme and adopting this weird English-style accent to say, "Well, she can't help what the puppets do alone in the trunk togethah," like, it's only a minute into the show and already I have my Mad Face on, and some dingus walking by wearing a Santa hat does nothing to cheer me up, especially since I'm a Canadian who grew up in the North (and by "North" I mean the Yukon and the Northwest Territories, which are so far north that even other Canadians think we lived in igloos), so Southern California with its weird snow-less Christmases really freaks me out. And Kate whines about how she's stuck since Lauren is a really big client for the firm, so Victoria asks if Kate and Michael are going to sneak around, and Kate says she doesn't know and then she smiles this weird smile that has nothing to do with anything and she's just waiting for her cue anyway.
And that cue is someone screeching, "Katie?" from behind the two of them, and it's Charisma Carpenter, who comes up babbling about how she thought this was part of Kate's Saturday morning routine, which is news to the rest of us, and I for one love to see Charisma Carpenter return as Serena, because I managed to score a clause in my TWoP contract for Miss Match that states I get a bonus every time some poster hits the boards and starts a post with some variation on the theme, "I only watched this show because Charisma Carpenter was on it…" and my bonus is doubled when the same poster complains that the show sucks because no demons get killed. You all are making me very rich. And Serena introduces herself to Victoria, much to the amusement of Victoria and Kate, who reminds Serena that she's talked to Victoria many times, and Serena pretends to remember. And Serena babbles on about how she hopes Kate's not still mad at her and that she's tried to call and apologize several times but she didn't know what to say and then she got busy. And Kate has this smile plastered on as she tells Serena not to worry about it since she didn't lose any sleep over it, and Serena burbles that she didn't either! And how weird that NBC just spent all this time rehashing the episode that just happened last week but can't be bothered to explain at all why Serena's apologizing to Kate. Then Serena asks Kate to guess what she's been up to, and Kate's reluctant to guess. "I'm having a baby!" screeches Serena. Kate and Victoria are surprised. "Who's the father?" says Kate. "I don't know," says Serena, wrinkling her nose like it was a dumb question. "Sounds like you've been very busy," says Victoria. Ha!
Serena pulls Kate aside to talk to her about this, explaining that she's adopting a baby, and it's the most amazing thing she's ever done and she's been thinking about this for months. Kate's smiles fades just a little bit as she realizes that maybe the only thing worse than Serena passing on her shallow self-absorption to offspring is foisting those traits on someone else's baby entirely, and points out that Serena's only 27 so she has plenty of life ahead of her, but Serena says it's too late since she's already picked out a mother from an adoption Web site, thanks to her "brilliant assistant Sasha," and Serena's already sent $10,000 to this woman, who's nine months pregnant, so she won't consider any other offers. And Serena's most excited, apparently, at how nice the mother's hair is. Kate wants her to stop this little transaction before it goes any further, since this is "so wrong on so many levels," and warns her against bribing this woman for her baby, since this is a criminal offence, and Serena also needs to evaluate this woman's health before she commits to raising the woman's child, and finally, Serena shouldn't adopt a baby just because it's this month's must-have accessory, and any Canadian viewers might wonder if Serena's character is based on National Post writer Rebecca Eckler, who once wrote that her own pregnancy seemed more significant and exciting when she found out Kate Hudson was also having a baby, I kid you not. And Serena says she's just dying to be a mother, so Kate shouldn't worry about that. As for those niggling little legal aspects? Well, that's why she's talking to Kate! Kate's going to be her lawyer! Kate's eyebrows keep going up and down in this scene quickly enough to give me motion sickness. Opening credits and commercials.
Now I know why NBC is keeping Whoopi Goldberg's new show: to make it seem like Tracey Morgan is still funny.
And…good lord, Trading Spaces for kids? The sight of those brats shrieking and screaming is enough to make me prefer that tobacco companies go back to targeting children instead of annoying materialistic non-educational shows on the so-called educational channels.
Kate's getting coffee at a place other than her and Victoria's regular location, and it turns out she's there with Michael, who's lounging on a couch and wondering if Kate bought any of those "guava jelly things" since they are "worth the drive," like can someone explain to me again the difference between Michael and supposed "metrosexuals" that Kate swore off a few episodes ago, and Kate's marveling that they drove all this way just for some guava jelly things, but Michael insists that he's made the drive for them before, even when he wasn't sneaking around. Kate wonders if they're safe, and Michael says he's never run into anybody there, and they settle in to snuggle and cuddle on the couch while Michael reads a magazine. "You want a section?" he asks, and Kate says no, that she enjoys reading over his shoulder. Um, Michael? Yeah, I realize the writer probably envisioned that you'd be holding a newspaper, in which case you could offer a section to Kate, but since you're holding a magazine, that no longer makes any sense, unless you planned to rip pages out. Use your head a little bit. Thank you. Michael asks Kate if she wants to drive up to Malibu, but she's worried about bumping into somebody, which Michael says is ridiculous. "Tell that to her!" says Kate, and Michael considers that, much to Kate's horror, and she says she was only kidding. And she says that driving up she had a fantasy of checking into a hotel under assumed names, which Michael gets all excited about, until Kate throws cold water on that by saying she has to work on Lauren's case all afternoon, like, why'd you bring up the hotel fantasy in the first place, then? And Michael wonders what she wants to do until then, and Kate just wants to stay right there, so Michael throws aside the magazine (with all its sections) and they start making out right there, which I'm sure everyone else in the coffee shop appreciates.
In court, the tastefully named Daniel Dae Kim is appearing as a lawyer (named "Clifford Kim" here) for Lauren's ex-husband, and he's asked the court for a change of venue back to San Francisco, where both parties have resided for years. Kate points out that Lauren is currently a resident of Los Angeles, so it was her prerogative to file there. Clifford Kim speaks of the "undue burden" this venue poses on his client (and his calm, measured tones inspire Nick to whisper "Mr. Snooty") and says that it was because of a business obligation back in the Bay Area that his client couldn't be here. Kate's all, "Please!" She says Mr. Logan's absence is either a strategic maneuver to lend weight to this "frivolous motion" or indicative of his disregard for the proceedings in general. "Not at all," says Clifford, who is barely registering any discernible emotion. The judge says that trying the course in either venue would inconvenience one of the parties, so since Lauren filed first, L.A. it is, and he bangs his gavel. Nick says "nice work" to Kate and something about "round one" to Lauren, and Lauren says she hopes they're all this easy. Ah, but she's not counting on the cunning countenance of Clifford Kim, who says, "Trying this case here is utterly nonsensical. We are very disappointed," and what kind of lawyer tells the winning side how disappointed he is? Nick says, "I think you mean you're disappointed," and as much as I like him, I have to point out that that's exactly what Clifford said, "because we're happy as all hell." "There will be repercussions," warns Clifford. "Bring it!" says Nick, feeling pretty proud of himself after Clifford sneers and walks away. "Let's go, tough guy," says Kate.
Later on, Kate's on the phone with Victoria. "Not that I'm happy about it, but the hiding out? I have to say, a turn-on." Victoria's getting out Christmas decorations for the Only Bar, and doing the whole "so you're a couple now" thing that she already did last episode, and Kate coos over how comfortable she is with Michael, and wonders why they weren't doing this all along, and Victoria says, "Don't even get me started," in what might have been a feeble shout-out to this show's few loyal fans. "But, speaking of, when are you going to start doing it?" and Kate does the giggly "I don't know!" thing, and of course everyone watching is annoyed to find out that last week's hot and heavy session of tonsil hockey apparently didn't lead to anything further. Kate says she's going over to Michael's later, but it's still really only Date Number Two, and Victoria tells Kate not to kid herself; it's really Date Number Twenty, so Kate should wear cute undies, like we're going to believe that Victoria starts getting out the good underwear for Date Number 20, and Victoria starts to say something about how she's officially moonlighting, but the phone call is interrupted by Serena walking into Kate's office, so Kate says she'll phone Victoria back. Once off the phone, she starts apologizing for not getting back to Serena and says she's been really busy. "Oh, Katie. I'm an agent. Any excuse you can come up with, I've used on my mother; you've been avoiding me," says Serena, not unpleasantly. Kate says that's not true, and in fact she called a friend of hers from law school who fortunately specializes in adoption. "She said to give her a call after the holidays, she'd be glad to help you." Serena looks stricken and says she needs a child before the holidays: "Every Christmas I go home and my sister's kids are running around and I'm sitting there like some spinster workaholic wondering what I'm doing with my life and why it all feels so empty." Kate looks sympathetic and acknowledges that it must be an awful feeling, but she doesn't feel like she can take on another case right now. Serena decides to get serious. "Kate, I know you think I haven't changed, and maybe I haven't. But I want to." And blah blah blah, she goes on about how she wants to do something good. And the baby's a girl, and Serena really wants a girl, although I'm not really sure how that's proof of her commitment. Serena says she's made an appointment to see the birth mother at three o'clock, and asks Kate to come with her. Kate makes her fretful face.
Over at Saks Fifth Avenue, we find out that Victoria's second job is as an elf in Santa's Playland. She's standing there looking absolutely miserable, and over walks her boss, some woman with an unidentifiable accent who's laying down the ground rules, since this is Victoria's "first season" in Santa's Playland. To wit, while Victoria might just be doing this for extra cash at the holidays, to the children she is Santa's special helper, through and through: "They should feel it in your presence. They should see it in the twinkle in your eye." Victoria's all, "Twinkle. Check." Crazy Supervisor Lady then starts lecturing Victoria on how she is an ambassador, not just for the "North Pole" but for the entire department store, so she should be helpful with customers, pointing them towards the restrooms and the gift-wrap counters. "Is this all making sense?" Victoria thinks about how amazingly complicated these instructions are and finally says yes. "Jolly good," says Crazy Supervisor Lady, and I really hope to God that doesn't mean that's an English accent she's trying to foist on us. Her attention is diverted, however, by a second Santa showing up while the other guy is still sitting with the kids. So Crazy Supervisor Lady stomps over and asks if he's forgotten protocol, and when Second Santa seems less than concerned, she lectures him about how confusing it is for the children to see two Santas and tells him just to "stick to protocol" and stomps off again, much to Victoria's amusement, and Victoria sidles up and says, "That woman has way too much holiday spirit." "Yeah, well, you should have seen her when I tried to cornrow my beard," says Bad Santa, which Victoria finds highly amusing. "So, sexy elf, what's your name?" he continues, and Victoria says "Victoria" and asks Santa what his name is, and he says "Santa" and strolls away, leaving Victoria befuddled.
All I can say is, this better not turn out to be one of those stupid holiday episodes where someone behaves like Santa but nobody believes it really is him, and at the end it's like, "OR WAS HE?" If this is one of those, I'll be very upset.
Kate and Serena are visiting some apartment complex somewhere to meet the birth mother of Serena's new fashion accessory, and the complex doesn't seem that bad, but Serena's behaving like they're picking their way through the slums of Calcutta, only maybe that's kind of the point and we're supposed to be reminded of how shallow she is. And she says she's never been this "deep Valley" before, and when she said "deep Valley" I thought she might have been referring to her cleavage, but since I got in so much trouble the last time I talked about Charisma Carpenter's breasts, I think I'll shut up now. And when she complains about the "aesthetic," Kate advises her not to talk so much when they get inside.
Inside we meet Jessica, the very young mother who apologizes for the mess while Kate assures her it's okay and Serena keeps wrinkling her nose in disgust. Jessica says her roommate is kind of a slob, but since Jessica's only crashing there she can't really complain. She says she just made some lemonade, and asks if Kate and Serena want any. Serena says she'd love an "Arnold Palmer with two lemon wedges," and I had no idea what she was talking about, but I have since found out that an Arnold Palmer is half lemonade and half iced tea, and Kate is so embarrassed on Serena's behalf that she volunteers to pour the drinks so Jessica can sit down. Serena, clearly wishing she had some disinfectant, gingerly sits her precious arse down and asks about Jessica "crashing" there, and Jessica reveals that her parents kicked her out when they found out she was pregnant. "Sounds rough," says Kate sympathetically, while Jessica speaks about how alone she feels, and Serena's bright idea is to send her to a spa after she has the baby, because she'd be surprised at what a "mani, pedi and shiatsu" can do to lift her spirits. Kate and Jessica ignore this and get down to legal business. Kate wants Jessica to know all her options, and outlines them for her, much to Serena's chagrin. Kate says that if Jessica decides to keep the baby, she can get public assistance or have the baby placed in a foster home until she's ready to take care of it. Smiling the whole time, an obviously annoyed Serena says, "Kate, she already said she doesn't want to keep the baby." Kate says as nicely as she can that she wants Jessica to know all her options, and Serena calls Kate "Miss Bossypants," and I'm not sure that I'd display such snippiness if I were asking someone to give me their baby. Kate explicitly asks Jessica if she's sure she wants to give up the baby. Jessica's quite conflicted, but comes down on the side of finishing school, and she doesn't know how she could possibly do that with a child -- not to mention how broke she is, such that she doesn't think she'd even be able to raise a child. Serena, who in the last couple of moments seems to have finally grasped the seriousness of the situation, says, "She'll have everything she could possibly want. I promise."
Back at Fox Daddy & Associates, Nick is stomping around because Clifford Kim has filed hundreds of discovery requests, apparently because he is "vindictive" and not, you know, doing his job, so I don't know that it's necessary to refer to him as "the jerkboy of the San Francisco bar," and as Nick trails Kate into her office, she says, "So we have to answer a lot of questions; he just wants to intimidate us into settling." Nick points out that there's a Christmas deadline on the motions. "He's punishing us for beating his ass" in the hearing. Kate's not convinced, and Nick tells her not to be naïve. "Lawyerboy called me out, I called him back, and now he's struck first blood," although I really think that should be "drew" first blood. Kate sits down. "I suppose you want me to write all the responses," she says, but Nick says he'll take care of it, much to Kate's surprise, even though Nick has shown himself to be a hard worker in his own right in the past. And I'd like to point out also that at least Nick doesn't run around meeting matchmaker clients all day long.
Kate's phone beeps. It's Serena, out shopping for toys for the baby. She's just phoned to tell Kate how hard it is to shop for a baby. I'm sure she'll muddle through, though. She outlines all the purchases she's made, like a Bugaboo stroller with a parasol, just like Brooke Shields's for her "miracle baby," and she's high on the waiting list for Good Mommy & Me class, whatever that is. Kate's rolling her eyes so forcefully, I can't believe Serena can't hear it over the phone. Or maybe she's too busy making a clerk take back a stuffed giraffe for having an "imperfect ear," like, heaven help the poor kid that Serena raises. Kate practically screams at the top of her lungs as she asks if Serena's bought a car seat yet, and Serena's forgotten, but it's at the top of her to-do list. Speaking of which, she wants Kate to come shopping with her tomorrow so they can find a cute outfit to bring the baby home in. Kate says she can't, but Serena says she can. "You're my lawyer, and I'll be paying your full hourly for your assistance, okay?" Kate doesn't even really answer. She just drops the phone, laughing.
Back at Bad Santa and Sexy Elf's Land of Inappropriate Holiday Rutting, Victoria's being all subversive to the department store that gave her work and directing some couple to another store where they'll get better value for their money. Then her cell phone rings and she answers it "hell on earth" like SHUT UP VICTORIA JUST QUIT ALREADY IF YOU HATE IT SO MUCH and it's Kate, who says she's on her way to Michael's place, and Victoria says that's "kinky" because it's still light outside, whatever that means, and Kate 's going to stop by the store tomorrow to do some shopping, and checks to see if Victoria gets an employee discount. "Do you think I took this job for the humiliation and the pee-pee smell?" says Victoria, and I don't know why I expected any more professionalism from her at her second job than she displays at her regular job.
But Victoria has to go now, because Santa is calling "hey, sexy elf" across the North Pole to her, which I'm sure the parents there all appreciate, and he asks if the replacement Santa is on deck, and sure enough there's jolly old St. Nick Two poking his head from behind the curtain, so Santa gets up and makes some kid cry when he says Santa will be right back. Victoria says, "Way to go, Santa," and Santa's all "whatever" and says the kid was naughty, and then we're subjected to annoying every-holiday-season-on-television so-called "witty" repartee that features two ninnies throwing out innuendo playing on "naughty" and "nice," and Victoria asks "what's under the beard" and Santa says, "Wouldn't you like to know," and walks away, and Victoria's all intrigued.
So Michael's uncorking wine when Kate shows up at the door, and she's carrying bags of Thai food, and she says it all looked so good that she decided to get pretty much everything, and Michael says she's definitely a bad influence on his work ethic, since he's been thinking about her "at least half the day," like, way to hedge your romantic lines, Romeo, and Kate asks if he was thinking anything in particular, so he leans in and kisses her, and she likes that, so he starts gnawing on her neck, and Kate says she's suddenly not all that hungry, and neither is Michael, so they start making out, but after last week's fake out you know that something is going to happen this time, and sure enough there's a knock on the door, and it's Lauren, and Kate makes a face, which is understandable, seeing as how she gets banished to the laundry room as Michael goes to the door. "Hey, what are you doing here?" he says, and Lauren's standing there all slouchy sexy and she moves way too closely to Michael as she sidles into the apartment and explains that she wanted to talk to him and didn't want to do it over the phone. And she asks if she's interrupting anything, and he says he was just about to eat, and she notices the bags and bags of Thai food on the table, not to mention the bottle of wine with the corkscrew still embedded in the cork, and he explains that by saying he always orders a lot and then eats the rest the day, and let's all assume that she doesn't buy that lame excuse, which wouldn't explain the dim lights, candles and Marvin Gaye on the stereo, and she says she hopes he's not mad at her because of the "Kate situation," and he admits that he's not thrilled, since he and Kate are good friends and he doesn't understand why they can't see each other. Lauren says that this breakup is the worst thing she's ever gone through and she was hoping she could count on Michael, who says he doesn't understand what that has to do with Kate. Lauren says it has everything to do with Kate, since Kate is part of her support team, and the thought of her seeing Michael makes her very uncomfortable. And something must be wrong with the sound on my television, because I didn't hear Michael say that it's tough if it makes her uncomfortable, what with Kate processing Lauren's divorce of the guy she DUMPED MICHAEL FOR. He does ask if she doesn't think she's being a little selfish, although I think that should be him informing her that she's being A LOT selfish, and all this is happening while Lauren's running her hands up Michael's chest and he sort of tries to stop her, and then Lauren has the audacity to claim that she needs to be selfish right now since she's at such a low place, like, people who recognize that they're being selfish and then justify it for equally selfish reasons are pretty despicable, and she says she doesn't want Michael to hate her, and Michael says he doesn't, which is great because Lauren says he's one of the only friends she has left. If he were a real friend, he might suggest that that's because she's such a selfish wench. And she hugs him, with Kate taking it all in from the laundry room, kind of like Norman Bates peeking into the bathroom. Commercials.
Michael and Lauren finally unclench, which Kate must be thankful for. Her eyeball was starting to dry out. And Lauren says she doesn't want Michael's food to get cold and Michael opens the door for her, and as she leaves she suggests that they get together sometime and go to a movie, eat too much popcorn, like they used to. Michael says "that'd be great" in a manner that's several degrees south of enthusiastic. Lauren finally gone, Michael goes to the laundry room to rescue Kate, who can finally stop making faces long enough to tell him he's "running out of bleach," and he apologizes for the Lauren visit, which he says was "awkward," and Kate says it's fine, since it was nice to see Lauren work her "magic" on Michael up close, and he says that there was no magic and that they're just friends, which Kate says is a fact Lauren doesn't seem to be aware of. Michael says Lauren's going through a tough time right now and he doesn't want to make it worse for her. Kate blasts him: "I'm putting my work on the line here; I want to be sure it's the right thing to do." What she's basing this on is beyond me. It certainly looked to me like Michael was just playing along with what Lauren wanted to hear -- you know, like Kate wanted him to do? Nevertheless, she says that maybe that they "shouldn't be doing this right now" if he's at all conflicted over his feelings for Lauren, and Michael says he and Lauren have barely spoken in the last seven years, and moreover he doesn't give Kate grief about her ex-boyfriends. "That's because they're not in my life right now," says Kate, like, way to weaken your argument by making it sound that your lack of former relationships muddying the waters is due more to circumstance than to principle. And Michael starts to get a little annoyed because now Kate is telling him he can't spend time with Lauren, and Kate decides to sulk right on out of there, and he tells her not to be mad, and she kind of cools down and says she's not but she just needs time to think. So he asks what he's supposed to do with all this food. She suggests he eat what he can and save the rest for tomorrow, like what he told Lauren. Whatever, Kate. Should he have told her the truth?
Back at Santa's Playland, Victoria gets ambushed by a camera-wielding Kate, and Victoria shrieks and yanks Kate's arms down, earning a scathing glare from the Crazy Supervisor Lady, who purses her lips and stomps off, and Victoria explains that she's trying to block all this out so the last thing she wants is photographic evidence of the whole ordeal. But Kate squeals that Victoria looks cute, and Victoria says she knows. Then she asks what Kate thinks of Santa, and Kate has to think about it. "Um, I'm a fan?" she says, so Victoria clarifies that she's talking about this particular Santa, since Victoria thinks Santa might be into her. She orders Victoria to go check him out. "I'm not checking out Santa!" yells Kate, and Victoria tells her to go ask him something random since she needs a second opinion. So Kate just butts in front of everybody standing in line, and goes right up to Santa, who happens to have a child on his lap, and asks him what he thinks of the elf, and Santa says he's into her, so Kate tells him to come to the Only Bar later where Sexy Elf will be behind the bar. She scoots off and says "Merry Christmas," and Santa says "back atcha," because that's just how cool he is. "Well?" says Victoria. "He seems nice," says Kate. She can't ever stop matchmaking, not for one second! Victoria's quite pleased. Then she says that she'll be taking a break in a few moments and wants to know what they'll be shopping for. Kate says, "Onesies, booties, maybe a rattle…" Victoria's mighty confused, since Kate neglected to tell her that she dragged Serena along. And here comes Serena now, squealing about the list of "things for baby" that she had her second assistant make up. Before she can fire them off, though, she chides herself for being rude and introduces herself yet again to Victoria, who just stares at Serena's proffered hand in disbelief. When Kate points out it's the often-introduced, never-remembered Victoria, Serena calls herself a space case and chalks it up to pre-birth jitters. She then drags Kate off, and Kate calls "shop with us?" back at Victoria, who just says, "Oh, I might," but then does this exit stage right maneuver.
Afterwards, Serena is creaming over all the things she got, and Kate notes she'll certainly have a well-dressed baby, and Serena gets all giddy at the prospect of having a fashion show, and I really can't take much more of this. Fortunately for me (and Kate), Kate's cell phone rings, so she begs off the excruciating shopping trip with Serena, who yells for the "parking man," or, as non-morons refer to him, the valet.
Nick's on the phone, calling from the office, to let Kate know that his penis doesn't measure up to Clifford Kim, Esquire's unit. Legally speaking. As payback for the many discovery motions, Nick filed motions to see all of Lauren's ex's corporate documents. Nick was hoping to take a little trip up to San Fran, sift through the files, ride a trolley, and sample the dim sum. Instead, Clifford thoughtfully shipped all the documents to L.A.; Nick's surrounded by stacks of boxes, with more arriving by the minute. He's so worked up, he's even working out with one of those little hand-squeezy things. Kate says she'll be back in the office soon and will split the work up with him, but again, Nick says he's got it covered: "I'm pumped to take this guy down. Mano a mano." Why don't Nick and Clifford just do it already and get it over with?
Later, we're over at Kate's place, where Michael shows up to rip off lines from Singles ("I was just nowhere near the neighbourhood," he says) while Kate looks at him glumly. But of course her anger completely dissipates when he whips out flowers from behind his back. "They're beautiful," she says. "You look…hot," he says, and maybe he should stick with ripping off movies. So they go into the kitchen, and he says AGAIN that there's nothing going on with him and Lauren, and Kate says she knows, and Michael gets all sincere and says he really wants this to work. And they go back and forth like this in the kitchen, so we're pretty much exactly where we were at the end of last week's episode, and they start making out again, only this time we won't be fooled, not even after they head into the bedroom and flop onto the bed and Kate lies there while Michael kisses her neck and then heads south…and then back up again. And there go the shirts! And they keep making out. And the phone rings, but they ignore it, and it rings like ONCE before the answering machine picks up, and Kate's outgoing message is, "Hi, it's Kate. Leave a friendly message," like, what is that about. And it's a frantic Serena on the phone, who screeches that it's an emergency, that Jessica's gone into labour but there are complications, and she orders Kate to meet her at the hospital.
Kate arrives (having unfortunately put clothes back on) to find a very calm, very collected Serena in the waiting room, who informs Kate that "it's still a girl," and the doctor says she's perfect, with ten fingers and ten toes. So Kate, having been inches away from getting laid for the first time on this series, inquires as politely as possible about the supposed complications, and Serena waves her hand and says the baby was coming out at a "weird angle" but everything's now okay. "So there was actually no emergency," says Kate all monotone, and Serena's response is that she didn't know that at the time. Still, had there been an emergency, I'm wondering just what Serena thought Kate was going to do? And Kate softens a bit when Serena turns on the charm and says, "It means so much to me that you're here." So Kate asks if Serena watched the delivery, and Charisma cracks me up with a well-placed, "Ew! No!" and explains how she made that mistake with her sister and can't get the memory out of her head, and the phrases "gelatinous head" and "dilated cervix" are in there somewhere, and that's quite enough of that. By this time, Kate has noticed the rather severe-looking woman sitting to Serena, who introduces her as Gerta, the nanny, who Serena says has been doing this for twenty years, so by my estimation, Gerta started nannying when she was about 140 years old. Serena says (because Gerta isn't saying much of anything) that Gerta knows everything about newborns. Kate says hello, and Gerta ignores this. Serena advises Kate not to speak to her, as Gerta isn't quite as good with adults.
Over at the only bar, Bad Santa has shown up to stalk Victoria, and it turns out that it's Kerr Smith, otherwise known as Jack, The Gay Guy From Dawson's Creek. ["Well…'gay.'" -- Sars] When Victoria says, "What do you like," he says, "How about the bartender?" and she says, "Santa?" and he says "ho ho ho," which Victoria might take as an insult. And she says, "Wow," and let's hope she was referring to the fugly chin beard that Santa's sporting, and one of the mysteries of this show has to be male characters' fascinations with ridiculous facial hair, and Kerr Smith is doing the "I know I played a gay character, but I'm totally not gay, see?" thing in being all suave as he suggests that Victoria fake sick so they can go someplace else and cut out the small talk. "Santa!" says Victoria, acting mildly shocked. "'Tis the season," he says.
I guess that convinced her, as the scene is the two of them ripping off each other's clothes (and the image of Victoria ripping off her shirt to reveal the black pushup bra is NBC's Christmas present to me) and ducking under the covers. And Santa wraps things in about TEN SECONDS, I swear to God, but Victoria doesn't even seem to mind. Commercials.
That commercial for sinus medicine with the guy who just has a big nose for a head freaks me RIGHT THE FUCK OUT EVERY TIME, I MEAN IT. STOP SHOWING THAT SHIT.
Back at the law firm, Kate's work is interrupted some more by Serena, who, having procured her baby, totters in and starts complaining about how the past twenty-four hours have been the most trying of her life since sorority rush. But she's decided what to name the baby, which came to her in a revelation: Kaitlyn, which Kate of course thinks is awfully sweet. Then she asks where Gerta is, and we're none too surprised to find out that Gerta hightailed it on out of there because Serena is so "demanding," but Serena herself can hardly believe it, and she complains that Gerta didn't even give her any time to find a replacement, unlike the untold legions of assistants who have quit on Serena. Now Serena's cell phone starts to ring, and she looks around for it until she gives Kate the baby to hold, and the cell phone was naturally underneath the baby in the carrier. Kate coos at Kaitlyn while Serena says this into the cell phone: "I'm still dropping her off [Kate's face is all, whuh?]. Well, tell him to wait. I'll be right there." She gets off the phone and says she has a huge favour to ask. Kate, not being an idiot, has already deduced this means that she's being drafted as a babysitter, and says no, but Serena starts yammering about an important meeting with a producer over a heretofore unsellable script and actually goes running out of the office, Kate holding the baby, Serena yelling that Kate will get her regular hourly. "It just went up," says Kate, more to herself than to Serena.
Santa's Land Of Quick-Draw Fornication. Victoria seems not to be able to stand to see any other females near Santa, even if it's a little girl loudly listing all the things she wants for Christmas, so Victoria hustles the little girl off and refers to Santa leaving early that morning, and he mutters that he had to go to the gym. And he obviously does not want to talk to her. And Victoria, who's rather uncharacteristically making plans for the two of them, seems rather put out when Santa brushes her off and hoists another child onto his knee.
Strolling away, Victoria is approached by another, previously unseen Sexy Elf who knowledgably asks if Santa also, um, showed her his candy cane, and Victoria starts to figure out that this guy she just met and barely knows might not be totally devoted to her. You know, I'm completely surprised that the guy who basically said to Victoria, "Hey, let's go fuck," turned out not to be Prince Charming. "Did he play the song?" says New Sexy Elf, and Victoria's eyes go really wide and she confirms it, but since we have no idea what she's talking about, the significance of "the song" is rather lost on us, don't you think? And New Sexy Elf says, "He's a pig," and walks away, and like five hours later, Victoria says "yeah."
Over at the Kate Fox Orphanage, Kate's doing work and holding Kaitlyn, and there's a bottle of wine on the coffee table, like, can you stop drinking for two seconds of your life, KATE, you're holding a BABY, and the doorbell rings, and it's Michael, who makes a crack about not knowing that she was a single mother and does this annoying bad-joke pause, like make your joke and be done with it, and don't think that acknowledging that it was a bad joke makes it any better, and Kate explains, rather calmly, that Serena took off for a meeting four hours ago and is M.I.A. And naturally Michael can only think about his penis, so he says that he guesses a romantic evening tonight is out, and Kate says not necessarily, since Kaitlyn's a quiet baby and Kate just needs to get her to sleep, like, we all hope the baby doesn't interfere with you two rutting, and they coo at the baby a little bit, and Kate puts her in the bassinet or stroller or whatever, and Michael watches her and says, "I like seeing you in mommy mode," like, thank you so much for that, Mr. Eisenhower's America. Kate tells him not to get any ideas, since she's killed three houseplants, which is a PRETTY HORRIFYING THING TO SAY, and they start kissing. And because we're supposed to get how maternal Kate is, she thinks she hears Kaitlyn murmur, but Michael doesn't hear anything, so he goes back to sucking on her neck, but Kate keeps peeking at the baby, so Michael asks if she wants to bring the baby over here, and Kate says yes, and she moves the baby basket or whatever a grand total of about six inches over to the coffee table so Kate and Michael can flop onto the couch and resume pawing at each other. And then the editing gets all messed up because Michael starts eyeing the baby before the sound effects guy can get his shit together and throw the "fussing baby" on the soundtrack. Then Michael says the baby is freaking him out, like, so much for daddy mode, and he suggests the two of them sneak off to a hotel on the beach in Laguna on the weekend, and they don't have to tell anyone where they're going. "What do you think?" he says, and Kate says she thinks Kaitlyn needs a diaper change, so Michael makes a wocka-wocka face.
Back at Santa's Village, Santa instructs "barkeep" to get him some water, and Victoria says, "Like that's going to happen." And there are two yuppie moms burbling about how this is the best Santa's Village and that the one in the Beverly Center takes too long. Victoria says that it might be worth the wait, as she wouldn't put her little girl on Santa's lap, if you know what I mean. The women look at Santa, horrified.
Fox & Associates. Cell phone. Michael. "We're on." Kate beams. "Tell me," she says, and she continues to radiate all down the hall as Michael describes the ocean view and in-room massage. And they have a little who-can-wait-the-least contest, and then Michael contrivedly says that he will be in Irvine all day tomorrow so they should just meet at the hotel at six, and I guess Irvine must not have phones or something, but never mind. Kate's smile fades as she strolls into her office and finds Lauren waiting for her. She quickly hangs up on Michael and tells Lauren she'll round up the boys, only to be told by the not-Claire-but-just-as-useless temp that there's someone waiting for her in the conference room. When Kate asks who it is, Thankfully Not Claire, who can't even get off the phone, shrugs and says it's Jessica something. Kate goes to meet her, and Lauren says, "Since I am contrivedly the only person in L.A. who doesn't have a cell phone, can I make a call somewhere?" and Kate offers her her office.
In the conference room, Jessica's all pensively looking out the window, and she brought in some signed papers for Kate or whatever, and Kate says she looks really good. Jessica smiles and says she feels lighter and doesn't have to pee fifteen times a day, which is a relief, but then she says she sometimes misses having the baby inside her, since it made her feel less alone. And let me tell you, I pride myself on crying only when a receiver drops a wide-open touchdown pass and the Vikings fail to cover the spread and cost me $50, but that was sad. Jessica then asks various questions about the baby, like if she's healthy and eating and sleeping well, and fortunately for Kate she doesn't ask if Serena is a self-centered dingbat who abandons the baby for hours at a time. The piano starts tinkling as Jessica haltingly says, "This is so much harder than I thought it would be." She's trying hard not to keep from crying, BUT NOT ME. "But I just want my baby not to struggle like I have." She speaks of wanting her baby to go to a good school and have nice things to wear and a nice house. "Serena can definitely give her all those things," says Kate. Long pause. "Does she love her?" asks Jessica. Kate says, hesitantly, "Yeah, of course she does," and I just want to know HOW KATE SLEEPS AT NIGHT. And Kate gives Jessica one last chance before she files the papers to make sure this is what she wants to do. Jessica heartbreakingly says she can't afford to have a baby, and tells Kate to file the papers.
Over at Santa's Village, the yuppie moms have gone from being horrified at Bad Santa to severely pissed at Sexy Elf, and have tattled on her to Crazy Supervisor Lady, who stomps over to ask if she spoke about Santa in a lewd and denigrating manner. Victoria tries to explain (although just what she might say, I have no idea) but Crazy Supervisor Lady fires her on the spot and orders her to turn in her "elfin wear" to the customer service desk. I quite like Victoria, but she seriously needs to grow up. She grabs the bottle of water that one of the yuppie moms is suddenly holding, stomps over to Santa, and says, "FYI, my partridge was as fake as my pear tree," and I know what she means by the partridge thing, but she lost me on the pear tree. And she dumps water all over Santa. Um, you go, girl?
Lauren's finishing up her phone call in Kate's office when Kate's laptop beeps. So Lauren goes over to look and sees that despite Kate having been out of the office for who knows how long, she's signed into her IM program, and "MichaelM572" has written to let her know that tomorrow afternoon's meeting has been cancelled and he can check in at 3 PM. Lauren deviously replies (screen name "Kfox") that three is good for her as well and asks for the address, which Michael provides, along with a "Shhhhh……" tagged on to the end of it. Lauren smirks, and jumps up when Kate strolls into the office. Lauren surreptitiously quits the IM program and begs off the meeting, asking to reschedule. Kate says that's fine and walks her out, with Lauren sweetly saying how much she appreciates Kate backing off from Michael. "Well, the client comes first," says Kate. "Still, you've been a good friend," says Lauren, who then asks Kate if she wants to get together this weekend. Kate makes a how-obvious-is-it-that-I'm-lying face and says she's going out of town this weekend, to the beach, which Lauren says sounds like fun, and wheels away. Kate makes her Eeek! face. Commercials.
Yes, just try to imagine the joy on your family's faces when you give them…windows for Christmas. Truly, they will adore you.
This guy walks in to Kate's office, and he's rather unfamiliar, so I assume this is someone looking for a matchmaker…oh, it's Jerrold. I didn't recognize him at all, what with him never actually being on the show anymore. He asks Kate if she can help Nick out with the Logan document review. She says she'd love to help, but he's rebuffed all attempts and is being a crazy "worker bee." That's the problem, explains Jerrold. You see, it turns out that the reason Nick's working so hard is not because he really wants to beat Clifford or even that he's shown himself to be a hard worker in the past; it's that during his last salary negotiation, Jerrold threw in a bonus clause that kicks in if Nick bills an absurd number of hours by the end of the year, only it turns out that the number wasn't so absurd after all. Kate's surprised, since she thought Nick was being nice. Nope! Greedy. Then Kate realizes that her own Daddy didn't offer her a bonus. "Well, when I drop dead, it's all yours. You don't need a bonus," he says. Hee.
So Kate saunters off to Nick's office to resolve this B-plot, and offers to help him with the review when she gets back from coffee. He declines, and makes up a lot of hooey about how much extra weight she's carried for him, and this is his way of giving back. "Oh, give it a rest. I know about the bonus," she says. And he instantly starts salivating, saying he's so close he can almost taste it. "Well, I'm supposed to shut you down," she says, and a frantic Nick tells her that while she's out for coffee she should think of a compromise, some sort of "side arrangement." Kate asks if he's trying to bribe her. He stammers for a moment before admitting it, sending Kate laugh-shrieking into the hallway while Nick yells about a cone of silence.
Kate's dialing Serena, I guess, on her cell phone, because Serena shows up late and Kate hangs up. And Serena's whining that she's late because people keep wanting to see the baby, and calls it annoying. Kate asks how Kaitlyn is doing, only to be told by Serena that the baby is no longer Kaitlyn, since that is such an au courant name right now and everybody's baby is named that. Only she doesn't have a replacement name just yet. "It's everywhere, like the Mini Cooper."
Excuse me for a moment. I'd like to rewind my tape and check to make sure I didn't miss a rather important scene in which Serena finally comes back to get the baby and Kate gives her holy old hell for child abandonment. Surely there was such a scene, and I just missed it, right? I'll just be a second.
Oh.
Kate asks Serena if everything's okay, and Serena pretends it is for a few moments, although she admits that her mother has offered to help with the baby but only wound up saying that Serena doesn't look comfortable with the baby, which I might suspect is because Serena fobs the baby off on everyone she knows at any opportunity. "This from a woman who didn't hug me until my business school graduation," says Serena. Not that she's bitter. "But she's right." And Serena starts going on about all the pressure and says she and the baby just aren't connecting. Kate, for whatever reason, tells Serena to try to stick it out, but thankfully comes to her senses and tells Serena about seeing Jessica in the office recently, and how much Jessica loves the baby. That's a genius idea, says Serena! She can hire Jessica to be the nanny! "Serena, no! I'm talking about Jessica as the baby's mother!" Look, you guys only have about three minutes to wrap an entirely predictable plot up, so can you move this along? Thanks so much.
Kate and Serena, with baby in tow, knock on the door of a quite-surprised Jessica. And in a total surprise, Serena gives the baby back to Jessica along with the promise of financial support (what with Serena's admission that she makes an "ungodly" amount of money that's wasted mainly on jewelry and cute handbags), as well as help finding an apartment and getting the baby into day care. See, Serena says it would mean a lot to her "to do something useful" with her money. Oh, and she's got all kinds of baby furniture and clothes that everyone has been sending her, "like she's the baby Jesus." Kate stares at her friend with a "she has changed" smile on her face. Serena just requests one thing, and when she says this, the sappy music starts and Kate's smile disappears, and we're all supposed to think here comes ol' selfish Serena again, but Serena just wants to be the "cool aunt." I'd take "drunk uncle" myself any day. And Serena starts going off on teaching the baby how to put on makeup and flirt with boys and buy great clothes, like, how far away would I keep my child from Serena, and Jessica says she's always been terrible with those things, although I will say that judging by the baby, Jessica isn't quite so bad at the "flirting with boys" stuff as she thinks, and the sappy music kicks in again, and I've had pretty much enough of this. Oh, and Jessica names the baby Rose, if that matters to anyone.
Back at the office, Nick is filling Kate in on all the work that Lauren did for her ex's company (Mother Earth Footwear) and how much she increased business, and Kate notes that the marketing campaign is Lauren's as well, but enough work; Nick realizes he's lost track of time and checks his watch and does a countdown, and then celebrates his $50,000, like, I should have gone to law school. And now that I think about it, I'm wondering just what Jerrold's problem is with giving the bonus; since it's tied to Nick's billable hours, wouldn't the "absurd" number of hours he billed result in a likewise absurd amount of revenue for Fox & Associates? Anyway, Nick offers to buy Kate food, like, thanks so much, big spender, and Kate declines since she's heading out of town. "All right, mystery girl," he says, whatever that means.
On her way out to the car, Kate dials the hotel and asks for Michael Mendelsohn's room so she can leave a message, since she's running late. Kate smiles and smiles, at least until Lauren answers the phone. "Lauren?" says Kate. "I think you have the wrong room," is all Lauren says before hanging up. And then in walks Michael with an ice bucket. "Is it still vodka rocks?" he says, looking, for my money, a little put out by Lauren's presence. But let's point out that despite the fact Kate is late for their meeting and Lauren is there, Michael hasn't bothered to call Kate to find out what's going on or warn her about Lauren showing up. Ass. Gee, I can't wait to see how they resolve this. And by "can't wait" I mean "can totally wait."