Previously on Miracles: Ahh, I'll spare you the usual rant about how I hate how pointless these stupid scenes are. I mean, even the series finale for Friends had "Previously on Friends," for God's sake, and I can't figure out who those were aimed at for the life of me. First-time Friends-watchers who figured they might as well check out the last show ever? Fans of the show with extremely short-term memories who couldn't remember what happened a week ago? Never mind. I think the "Previously on Miracles" scenes here are supposed to remind us that Skeet investigates miracles, he sometimes feels like a jerk for debunking them, and he and Keel sometimes have differences of opinion. Lack of knowledge of those facts really couldn't have hampered one's understanding of this particular episode, though. I mean, if The Sopranos can run an episode that's basically one long extended dream sequence that required not only "Previously on The Sopranos" but also "Previously on The Godfather" and "Previously on High Noon" and "Previously on WARREN BEATTY," for God's sake, but gives its viewers enough credit to remember plot points for longer than a week, then I think Miracles can give the scenes a pass, all right? Yeah, good thing I spared you that rant.
We open on a small-town diner, so let's get out our little Cliché Checklist so we can identify all the homey little touches at the Apple Tree Cafe that show why Rural Folk Good and City Folk Soulless and Bad, shall we? There's the perky pony-tailed (and cute) waitress who efficiently serves about three hundred people. There she is taking good-natured ribbing, and giving just as good as she gets -- after all, the food is always piping hot and served right on time, right? There she is greeting customers by name. There she is asking someone named "Buddy Boy" (he's busing tables and the like) if he shouldn't be doing the bread pickup right about now, and he tells her it's too busy in the café for him to leave. And Buddy Boy is slow. That is to say, special. That's "special" as a euphemism for mentally retarded, by the way. And I recognize the young actor playing him too, but I'm sure it's really obscure, like maybe he was the boy on Kate and Allie or something. So I check imdb.com, and sure enough, Frederick Koehler here played "Chip" on Kate & Allie, and how weird must it be for an actor to still be remembered for a television show like that twenty years later? ["Not as weird as him showing up as an Aryan youth on Oz." -- Sars] So anyway, she reminds Buddy Boy that the bakery closes in five minutes, and Chuck says there are "two jelly-filled" in it for him if he's not late again. Buddy Boy smiles and wanders off out the door.
Good thing, too. Buddy Boy may be retarded, but I'm sure he'd know better than to try to hold up a packed diner in the middle of the afternoon, as some balaclava-wearing ne'er-do-well does here. He walks in while the waitress is taking the order of some extra making the most of his inconsequential line, and tells the cashier to fill up his sack. Super-Waitress notices, puts on her Stern Face, and strides over to say, "Hey!" to the ne'er-do-well. Good plan. This idiot robber then inexplicably takes the waitress hostage for some reason, holding a knife to her throat and warning the crowd that if anybody moves, she dies. And then, despite no one so much offering up a half-hearted, "Ah, g'wan, get out of here," he actually cuts her throat and flees out the door, like, NICE ROBBERY. And now finally the unexcitable townfolk start slowly getting up, and one concerned old woman starts wiping the waitress's neck. I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure that putting some torque on a gaping neck wound isn't the most advisable course of action here. Luckily, though, it turns out that the waitress isn't even cut, much to everyone's surprise, as the waitress gingerly gets to her feet. "It's a miracle!" says the old woman, and thank God that isn't said on every episode. Opening credits.
Keel is...adjusting...a map...I mean, there's this hanging map and he keeps shifting it. Skeet walks in, looking weirdly puffy-faced and bug-eyed, and says they have to talk. Uh-oh. From the look on Keel's face, it's clear he knows Skeet is about to break up with him, which he does. "It's not that I don't believe in the work we do here, I do; it's just...I don't see the point in leaving one cloister for another." He yammers on about not wanting to be here five or ten years from now searching through dusty books, and he wishes Keel good luck and walks out. In comes Evelyn, who says she's sorry, and then announces she's leaving too. Keel has said nothing to either of them, and now he goes to a little window in the office, through which he watches Skeet and Evelyn cuddle and giggle and kiss. And then Keel's high school rugby coach shows up and yells at Keel for being unprepared. And everyone starts bitching that this episode is going nowhere.
Well, that last part didn't happen. But this was a dream sequence, recognizable even without long drives in cars with dead people. Skeet's sleeping on his couch and he wakes with a start, and looks at himself in the mirror. No, I don't know what's going on here.
Over at SQ HQ, Skeet's going through some dusty tome or another trying to unravel why Van Helsing sucked so hard, when Hector Elizondo strolls in for a cameo as Poppy, Skeet's stereotypically boxing Irish priest. Skeet seems reasonably happy to see him, and gives him a hug and a noogie. Well, not a noogie. Truth be told, I can't remember the last time I saw someone give a noogie, much less even use the word. Skeet introduces Poppy to Evelyn, who says she's heard a lot about him. Despite Evelyn offering her hand, however warmly, Poppy says he's a hugger and lays a good one on Evelyn, and you're kind of thinking they should dial down the inappropriate touching with the Catholic priest here. Evelyn, though, doesn't seem to mind, especially as Poppy adds he's especially fond of hugging Puerto Rican women, like, keep your chalice in the burse, Poppy. Evelyn's delighted that he pegged her as Puerto Rican, and Poppy says it's the eyes, and that Puerto Rican women can see into your soul, and jokingly warns Skeet that there are no secrets around this one and other such yammering.
So Keel strolls in, unshaven and unkempt, and Skeet introduces Poppy, and Keel just kind of scowls and says, "Pleasure," and it's pretty much like Keel is the new boyfriend meeting an idealized ex-boyfriend. Poppy seems a little taken aback by Keel's gruff manner and just says he may have a job for them. Keel grunts.
Over coffee, Poppy explains about the waitress who had her throat cut but ten minutes later was up and walking around without a scratch on her. "Pastor James" says things are getting crazy in the town and wants someone to check her out. "Does he think it's a miracle?" says Evelyn. "Sounds like one," says Poppy, and Keel huffily says that it depends on how one defines "miracle," and I'm assuming he doesn't mean the rah-rah American hockey vehicle starring Kurt Russell that I have vowed never to watch. "Most of what I witness defies characterization," sniffs Keel. Poppy, to his credit, gives as good as he gets, saying Keel is being simplistic, and he wonders if it isn't their job as "thinking men" to evaluate their experiences and draw moral distinctions, and Keel says he doesn't see any point in making moral distinctions on phenomena mankind doesn't understand, and adds that priests used to characterize lightning as evil. "Now we know better," he says, and Poppy says, "Not if it hits you." And I have to disagree with the priest on that one, since he seems to be illustrating Keel's point. I tend to think lightning is evil only if it's attempting to win the Stanley Cup. Nevertheless, Keel says Poppy is touching on SQ's main concern, which is how close the phenomena are getting to them, whatever that means. And Poppy laughs and says that back in his college days, a guy like Keel would have been known as a "one-boxer." "Good, bad, God, devil, all in one box," says Poppy; everything is just information. In my college days, a "one-boxer" would have described the laundry-negligent guy in the room kitty-corner to mine in residence. Dude stank. Keel and Poppy stare at each other for a moment, with Skeet breaking the silence to ask if anyone wants more coffee. More staring, then Poppy says he has to get going. Keel wonders why Poppy came to SQ, instead of handing the case over to Skeet's replacement. Well, there's no replacement for him, as it's hard to find someone with Skeet's qualifications. Well, he was in Scream...I bet Matthew Lillard's available! "He's very special," continues Poppy. "Yes, I couldn't agree more," says Keel, as absolutely humorlessly as possible. Likewise his chuckle when Poppy jokingly says that maybe Skeet will come back.
Afterwards, Skeet helps Poppy on with his coat, and then Skeet throws a few boxing moves at Poppy, like Poppy's character was airlifted directly out of a Jimmy Cagney movie from the twenties. So he is a boxer. And can I just point that I called it a long time ago? Poppy asks if Skeet's finding what he's looking for, and Skeet says he's seen a lot but doesn't know what any of it means, and it's likely the writers were still piecing it together at this point, so Skeet shouldn't sweat it any. Then Poppy gives Skeet a Reassuring Shoulder Squeeze and tells him to look out for his buddy Keel: "Just because he's a one-boxer doesn't mean you have to be," he says, and scoots.
Three Springs, California. The trio (hey! They let Evelyn go on a mission this time!) drive into town in a grey car that is definitely not a wood-paneled station wagon. Whenever television wants to emphasize that this is a Small Town we're dealing with, they'll throw in a shot of the town's water tower, which we get here. Only the way Skeet is staring at it, you know it's going to take on great significance later on. What's the old adage? If you introduce a water tower in the first act, someone must leap off it in the third? They drive by the diner where Debbie the Waitress works, and I guess this is what Poppy meant by the town going "crazy": there's approximately eight people milling about on the sidewalk outside the diner. Are extras that expensive to hire? Perhaps the show blew its budget printing up the "God Loves Three Springs" shirts that a couple of the happy idiots are buying. And there's a guy with a guitar singing something about Debbie. It kind of sucks, but at least it's better than Evanescence.
The group shows up at the church, where they're greeted by someone Keel assumes is Pastor James, but is actually Mayor Frank Letherington, who announces that he's quite happy the SQ Crew has been called in, because he wants this investigation taken seriously. Keel makes this acknowledging "that's what we do" gesture.
The trio watches the café's security video of the robbery in the real Pastor James's office. It's grainy and black-and-white and practically stop-motion, so it's hardly conclusive. And for some reason the pastor says he wishes he could say that's the only video, but it got copied and now they're all over town. "Pamela Lee's got nothing on Debbie Olsen," he says, like, it's really nice of the pastor to compare the tape of a victim of a robbery with an amateur porn video. What was even weirder was that the first time I watched this, I thought he said, "Amelie's got nothing on Debbie Olsen," which would have been an even odder reference.
The pastor says he's talked to Debbie, who's "scared and confused." While he says she doesn't seem to be faking, he's rather skeptical that this could be real, and is worried that the town is turning into a bit of a circus. The mayor chuckles and says, "Why, you say that like it's a bad thing!" I see the writers have studied intently the Blatantly Telegraphing Upcoming Plot "Twists" textbook. The pastor says he wants to know if there's a reasonable explanation for what happened, because faith isn't about "superpowers." Mayor Eager Beaver wants to know if they have a saint on their hands. Skeet outlines the long and drawn-out process of gaining sainthood: first miracle leads to beatification, second miracle leads to canonization. Then he points out the problematic "only dead people can be saints" pesky regulation the Catholic church has. Undaunted, the mayor wants to know what constitutes a miracle. Skeet looks at Keel, then rattles off, "It's a wondrous, supernatural event, surpassing all known human and natural laws, expressing the divine will of God." So seeing Jesus's face in a burrito, not so much, huh? Tough luck, Mexico!
"And we need two of those?" says the Certainly On The Up-and-Up mayor, who looks at the pastor. "Don't look at me, I'm Presbyterian," he says, which was funny enough, and he adds, "For us, a miracle is when the choir sings on key." Hee! Presbyterians! Almost as hilarious as the Amish! Keel notes the mayor's distinct lack of concern, and the mayor gushes about how great all the attention is, what with the tourists, some of whom might actually want to buy homes there. Kind of short-sighted. Do you really want to attract the kind of people for whom Reasonable Proximity to Site of Miracle features prominently on their homebuyer's wish list? What happens when they move to town and find out the theory of evolution is being taught at the local school? "Terrific for business, in other words," notes Evelyn dryly. "No! In those exact words!" says the mayor brightly.
Saint Debbie herself is back to waiting tables, at a rather busy diner, packed with people peppering her with questions about the "miracle." You know, if I were Debbie, and all these people thought I was a saint, I'd be all, "No, you pour me some coffee, bitches!" People are taking pictures outside, and inside they're asking things like, "What was it like? Did it hurt? Did you see God?" You know, and other frequently asked questions from The Good Catholic Girl's Guide to her Wedding Night. Over behind the counter, Buddy Boy is bragging because Debbie is his sister, and she's always been super-special. See, she always knows what the weather's going to be like, and what they're going to have for dinner. "She's not like everyone else," he says. After a woman gets all ecstatic over Debbie touching her baby, Debbie decides it's time to take a break.
Outside, that idiot singer is singing his stupid song about Debbie again, and it's even the exact same verse from before, so I guess her inspiration doesn't extend to adding a chorus or a bridge. Debbie hustles Buddy Boy down the street, only to bump into the mayor escorting the SQ Crew down the sidewalk. He introduces them to her. If the lingering glances between Keel and Debbie are to be believed, the mayor probably should have introduced him as "Alva Keel, love interest." Keel says they'd like to help her, if they can. She says that's really nice, but she and Daniel have to get going. They start to make their way through, when that same woman who wiped her neck earlier accosts her and starts gushing about how much everybody loves Debbie, and...
Wait a minute. "Daniel"? Her brother's name is Daniel? Shout-out!
Anyway, that same woman who wiped her neck...
Wait a minute. Daniel is retarded? ...Sigh. Yeah, definitely a shout-out.
So anyway, that woman is babbling on when some dirtbag holding a FREAKING RATTLESNAKE pushes his way through the crowd. And he stands there for about five hours while everybody just kind of stands around looking concerned, and then he says, "Hey, Saint Debbie, let's see if you're really a saint!" and he lets the snake go and it bites her on the forearm, and he takes off running, like, NICE REFLEXES, EVERYONE. Everyone gasps, and the snake's rattle takes us to commercial. On the bright side, the rattlesnake attack managed to shut up the annoying guitar guy.
So finally someone (Skeet, by the way, not supposed ex-cop Evelyn) thinks to chase after the snake guy, while Keel shows surprising nerve in stepping on the snake just below its head, then picking it up and throwing it in that dingus's guitar case. Then he goes to comfort Debbie, who's slumped on the ground, clutching her arm. "It hurts," she says. Evelyn, meanwhile, has her arm around Daniel. Yeah, that's a shout-out. Keel helps Debbie to her feet and they head for the hospital, while Neck-Wiper Woman says, "God bless Debbie Olsen," and it's too bad the snake didn't claim another victim.
At the hospital, the doctor tells Keel that it doesn't make any sense. "In my opinion, throwing a live rattlesnake at someone doesn't make any sense," Keel says. You know, he was rather sniffy with the priest about getting too judgmental about supposed miracles, wasn't he? Nice to see that's all going out the window for a cute blonde, hey? But in his defense, if you haven't seen this episode, she's really cute. Anyway, the doctor wants to know if Keel's certain Debbie was actually bitten, since there's no swelling, no nausea, no joint pain, nada yadda yadda. "So in your opinion she's in perfect health?" says Keel. "Won't even need a bandage," says the doctor.
Skeet's taking notes over in the examining room with Debbie and Daniel. Debbie says Keel was very brave to grab the snake like that. "Yeah, he's like James Bond and Tarzan rolled into one," says Skeet dryly. Heh. He's clearly annoyed that he's not getting the love-interest subplot this time. But okay, guys: "James Bond and Tarzan rolled into one"? That's enough with the shout-outs, all right?
Skeet asks Debbie what she thinks happened. "I don't know," she says. Daniel butts in to tell a knock-knock joke: "Who's there?" says Skeet. "Interrupting cow," says Daniel. "Interrupting c--" "Moooo!" Hee! I love that joke!
"That's one terrible joke, Daniel," says Skeet. Ouch! Okay. I was kidding before, but I think it's now safe to officially label Daniel, the retarded boy who tells terrible jokes, a shout-out.
Keel ambles over to tell Debbie that she's free to go, but she should probably get some rest. No rest for Debbie! Daniel's late for his reading tutor at the church, so she's got to motor. Skeet, who seems to have accurately read a little more into Keel's concern, offers to take Daniel. Debbie's unsure, but the idea gets the thumbs-up from Keel and Daniel as well, so she acquiesces. "I think that you, um, need to take care of yourself," says Keel. Master of the voice of platonic concern, isn't he?
Over at Saint Debbie's pad, she's apologizing for the mess, blaming double shifts, and offering Keel something to drink. "You need to rest," insists Keel, and despite her protests makes her sit down. She seems to finally acknowledge the stress, and starts talking about how weird it is, the way people look at her now, like she's different, like she's famous. "At first I thought it was cool, but Danny's completely freaked out. He can barely sleep." She practically starts crying, so Keel gets her a glass of water, and asks if she wouldn't mind answering a few questions about what happened. That's what he does, instead of putting his arm around her. Suave, Keel.
Anyway, he starts drilling her...with questions, that is! Hee! That's one terrible joke, Daniel. He asks if she's ever had any broken bones, serious illness, major surgery, et cetera. None whatsoever. He's mulling this over, and she asks if this is what he does, going around determining if miracles are happening. He says that indeed it is. Again, not so haughty as he was with the priest. She says he's like Henry Higgins, in My Fair Lady. I -- what? Granted, it's been years since I saw My Fair Lady, but Henry Higgins was a miracles investigator? Keel says that Higgins spoke the Queen's English, while he himself is from Scotland. Whuh? Oh, she was referring to the accent. Well, that was needlessly confusing. She says she's never met anyone from Scotland before, and he counters that he's never met someone who's a saint before, and lamely corrects that to "might" be a saint. "I'm no saint. Ask anyone who knows me," she says, and Keel points out that her brother might disagree. "He doesn't think I'm a saint, he thinks I'm a god," she says. He delicately asks how it was that she came to be responsible for her little brother, and she says her parents were killed in a car accident the summer after her senior year, when Daniel was just twelve. "I was supposed to go away to college, but..." and she shrugs. "Lot of sacrifices," notes Keel, which I guess will be Exhibit C, after the Miracle of the Neck Wound and the Miracle of the Snake, in Keel's case for sainthood for Debbie. She shrugs that off too, with a wry "Don't date as much as I like." She does allow that sometimes she feels like she's missing out on life. "Locked up in a cloister," he says, referring to his earlier dream in which Skeet leaves him. "I know the feeling," he adds, so she asks if the miracle-chasing intrudes on his love life, and he says that certain "professions" don't lend themselves to long-term relationships. Right, because the miracle chaser always has to be on call. Never know when a statue of Mary is going to start crying, right?
Anyway, since Keel's the expert (so says Debbie), she wants to know why this is happening to her. He stammers a bit before coming clean with, "I have absolutely no idea." Debbie smiles sweetly at him.
Over at the Apple Tree Café, Evelyn is doing her I-used-to-be-a-cop-so-I-know-all-the-lingo thing she does as she asks one of the local boys in blue if they have any leads. Not hardly, says the cop; since this place is just four miles from the highway, it's the perfect place for a "stop 'n' drop" and he's probably in Vegas or Mexico. She asks if anyone got a license plate number, and the cop gives her the partial (three letters with a number) and says that the only person within a hundred-mile radius with a plate that matches is an 83-year-old woman who wheels around an oxygen tank. "I'd say her throat-slitting days are behind her," he says. Ageist.
Skeet, meanwhile, is grilling Daniel, who's still rather proud that his sister's supposedly a saint. "Nothing can hurt her," he says, as they walk home from Daniel's reading lesson. Skeet tells him it's not just about not getting hurt, but that saints generally help people too. No prob, says Daniel. Why just today in the diner she cured some lady's baby! And when I get sick, she cures me all the time! Daniel strolls up the stairs into his house, as Skeet makes his I-hate-debunking-miracles face, as he waits a moment before following him. Or maybe he's just checking to make sure Keel hasn't left a sock on the doorknob.
Nope, guess not, as Keel comes out the door to meet him, and gives him the great news that Debbie seems to be suffering no ill effects from the snakebite. Skeet tells Keel about a case he fielded last year regarding a snake-handler who had a parish convinced he was touched by God because he'd been bitten fifty times by water moccasins, no sweat. Turns out the guy had been giving himself small injections of venom over the past two years so that he built up a natural immunity. Keel shakes his head and says that Debbie's not faking. Skeet's all, oh realllllly. "And you know this how?" "Gut instinct!" says Keel, pointing out that that's how Skeet normally operates, isn't it? Sure is, counters Skeet, and my gut's telling me this isn't real. He asks why Keel wants to believe this so badly. "Why do you not?" asks Keel. Skeet says that he does, in fact, it's just that...he trails off, and finally says that he's not a "one-boxer" like Keel. "I need to have a 'good' box," says Skeet. Coincidentally enough, that's sort of what Keel's been thinking ever since he met Debbie.
Oh, stop it. You were thinking the same thing.
Anyway, Skeet says that whatever goes in the good box has to be real, otherwise what's the point? Yeah? says Keel. Well, what about the nasty, evil bad box? That one has no trouble filling up on its own, says Skeet, who says he's seen what happened when "these things go south," and a lot of people in this town are going to be devastated, including Daniel. "Now what box should I put that in?" he asks.
Skeet's cell phone rings, and he answers it. "Where are you?" he says, then tells Keel that it's Evelyn, and she's found a lead. "You wanna come with?" he's asking, since this could prove or disprove the entire story, but Keel's all sulky and staying. Skeet snorts that it's good that he's made up his mind without actually investigating, and he stomps off to the car, with Keel watching. Debbie comes out on the porch, hands in her pockets. "Your friend doesn't believe me," she says. Keel admits that that is so. "But you stood up for me," she says. "Not many people have done that." Uh...apart from the entire crazy freakin' town worshipping at your altar? "I do believe you, Deborah," he says, and she says that, coming from him, that means a lot. The she leans in to kiss him, but seems to regret it and pulls away. She apologizes and goes back inside, while Keel frets on the porch.
Skeet and Evelyn are questioning the 83-year-old woman who owns the car that matched the partial license plate, and I think it would have been rather entertaining if they'd pulled a good cop/bad cop routine on her. You know, Skeet putting a crimp in her oxygen tank hose, that kind of thing. She lives way outside of town and says she only goes into Three Springs for her doctor, and the last time she did that was in March. Skeet asks if anyone could have borrowed her car. "Who would have borrowed it?" she says, and adds that Skeet and Evelyn are the first people to drive up her road in weeks. Evelyn floats the possibility of someone stealing her car and then returning it without her noticing it. Oxygen Woman says that Evelyn is pretty, but she's none too smart. A little annoyed at being jerked around, Evelyn starts counting off the lies the woman has told thus far, including the fact that she would have to go into Three Springs at least once a month for her oxygen tank, and that in her driveway Evelyn counted at least three sets of tire tracks. The first two she figures are Oxygen Woman's and Officer Kelso's, from when he came out to question her. "You wanna tell me about the third?" she says. Just then, a beat-up pickup truck comes roaring down the driveway, loud metal blaring from the stereo, as good a sign as any that whoever this is is Bad News. The truck stops, and sure enough, out gets the dirtbag who threw the snake at Debbie. He eyes them warily.
Back at the "Bill Will" motel, Keel's coming back to the SQ's room, which has a Do Not Disturb sign on the doorknob. Good thing, too, judging from the amorous noises coming from the...oh wait, Evelyn sounds to be in distress. Keel enters the room to find a masked man holding her at knifepoint. Before he has any chance to react, the masked dude pulls the knife across Evelyn's throat, drawing blood. She falls on the bed while Keel looks on, horrified -- even more so when the masked man pulls off his balaclava, revealing himself to be, in fact, Skeet. "Not bad, huh?" says a smiling Skeet.
Commercials. Yeah, let's all tune back in to see if SKEET REALLY KILLED EVELYN.
Nope. Here's Evelyn getting off the bed and wiping the blood off her neck and chest, while Skeet shows Keel the prop knife (like the ones they use in Hollywood! we're helpfully informed) Debbie's accomplice used -- the same guy who threw the rattlesnake at her. Keel looks less than enthralled. "They were both hired by Mayor Letherington," says Skeet, saying it was a plot to drum up business in the town. Keel assumes they talked to her accomplice. "Once we got him started he wouldn't shut up. He's proud of the whole thing," says Skeet, adding that the accomplice (Greg) figured that since the mayor was involved, he wouldn't get into too much trouble. "What about the snake?" asks a devastated Keel. Skeet tells him the snake's venom glands were surgically removed. "This doesn't make any sense," says Keel. I love this show. No, Keel, the woman impervious to throat-slittings and rattlesnake venom, that makes sense. "I'm sorry, Keel," says Skeet, who does seem to mean it. Still, Keel doesn't believe him, as Skeet seemed to enjoy his "little performance," as Keel puts it. Skeet apologizes for that, but in light of the way Keel feels and their earlier conversation about it, would Keel have believed Skeet if Skeet had just told him what happened? What a load. Of course Keel would have believed him, what with the prop knife and the confession from Greg, and -- "Probably not," concedes Keel. Oh. Evelyn says no one else knows about this yet. "They don't have to," says Skeet. "It's up to you."
Keel decides to try to cash in on some nookie before deciding, I guess, as Debbie opens her door to his knocking. He doesn't look happy. Debbie smiles and invites him in. "Why did you do it?" he says. Debbie searches his face and decides he knows exactly what happened and there's not much point in denying it. "Money," she confesses, saying the mayor offered her $30,000 to do it. Oh, great. A straw! Let's watch Keel grasp at it! He starts babbling that the mayor coerced her, and she pops that bubble right quick. "I would have done it for half that," she says. What, did she price it out? Did they haggle? Keel wants to know why, and Debbie says it's because that money is her and Daniel's only ticket out of town. She says she and the mayor were dating and she took it more seriously than he did, and she confessed some fantasy of getting out and going to Los Angeles where there's a special (and expensive) school for people like Daniel, and UCLA was her dream college. And she adds a little bit about how she figured that she and Danny deserved something nice to happen to them, since "something bad already did." So Frank said they'd make her fantasies come true together. Turns out all he was offering her was money (and not a life together), but she decided to take it. "It was a stupid idea, I did it because I was angry. I said I'd do it once, the robbery, that was it." Her voice is getting louder and louder now, as Keel seems to get a little more annoyed as she goes on. He wants to know why she kept on. "People started to notice me. They never even gave me a second look before," says the extremely hot blonde. "For God's sake. You did all of this for attention?" he says. "It sure got yours!" she snits, and says that if Keel hadn't thought she were special, the only thing he would have said to her would have been something like, "More coffee, honey." Keel denies it. "Really. Well, we'll never know, will we?" she says. He says he guesses not. He makes to leave, and tells her that he hasn't told anyone else about the fraud, and he'll leave that up to her. She says she can't do it, because she's all Daniel has. "And who cares who else gets hurt, right?" says Keel, who really only seems particularly concerned about himself getting hurt. Debbie launches into her rationalization, saying that she gets out of town, Daniel goes to school, the town gets a lot of tourism money, and people believe in God like they haven't in a long time. "You remind me, who gets hurt?" she says. Well, apart from the people who spent their money on false pretenses, the look on Keel's face tells her who got hurt. He leaves, while she looks through the window after him and starts to cry.
We move into Daniel's bedroom, where we see that he's heard everything, and he's crying.
Later that night, Evelyn and Skeet are having coffee. "You seem more upset about all this than Alva did," she says. He thinks for a moment before replying. "I know how these people feel," he says. "They want to believe so...desperately, but...maybe Keel's right. Maybe the big message is there are no real miracles, just a lot of unexplainable stuff, and none of it means anything." But before we can delve a little too more deeply into yet another of Skeet's crises of faith, some sort of commotion is drawing the townsfolk outside. They grab their coats and go outside as well, where that annoying guitar player is finally putting that damn guitar away. No, don't talk to him, Skeet, don't...fine. Skeet asks him what's going on, and the guy says Debbie's brother is on the water tower (see?). After all the times I've threatened to throw myself from tall structures because of countless crappy shows I've recapped, shout-out? Nahhh. ["It is a pretty blatant rip from What's Eating Gilbert Grape, though." -- Sars]
So a crowd of gawkers has gathered around the tower, and someone has helpfully shone a spotlight on Daniel. And I guess Debbie was the last to find out about this, since she's the last to arrive. I mean, even Keel's here already, and he tells her that Daniel's going to jump. "He thinks you can save him." "Danny!" she yells, and we cut to commercial.
Debbie's still yelling at Daniel to stay there, as is the cop shining the spotlight on him, as is Skeet, who's just arriving. Danny yells that it's okay, because Debbie will save him. "He told you you're a liar and now you think you're a liar. But Skeet says real saints help other people!" Poor Skeet, who makes an "aw, fuck!" face. So Daniel says he's going to jump so everyone will know how special Debbie is, and Debbie yells that nothing she did was real, that it was all pretend. And the mayor is glaring, and people start whispering. Presumably what they're whispering is, "We know the retarded boy might jump and kill himself, but our main concern right now is that Debbie lied. The nerve!" And this goes on for a while, with Daniel insisting that Debbie can do it, and Debbie admitting that she was lying about everything, and everyone else still whispering. God! And that same Neck-Wiper Woman pushes her way through the crowd and wants to know why Debbie is saying this. "Don't listen to the people who don't believe in you. They're speaking the devil's words!" And Debbie's all, NOT RIGHT FUCKING NOW, OKAY, MRS. MARTIN? But Mrs. Martin keeps on with her nonsense about how Debbie's the chosen one. And Debbie and Keel turn their back on Mrs. Martin, who reaches into her handbag and PULLS OUT A GUN. "We'll show them, Debbie. We'll show them who the liar is." Everyone stares at her. She looks at Keel. "You are!" she says, and pulls the trigger, just as Debbie leaps in front of Keel. Unfortunately, it wasn't in super-slow motion with Debbie saying, "Noooooo!" And it's only after this that the slowest-moving cops in the world manage to disarm Grandma, and Keel cradles Debbie in his arms as she slumps to the ground. Skeet asks Keel if he's all right, and he says nothing, and here comes the slow motion and a weepy acoustic song, which I hope isn't the annoying Debbie Balladeer, as it's actually not a bad song at all. We see a distressed Daniel, who has come down from the water tower, and Keel getting in the ambulance with Debbie, and everyone watching them go.
Keel, Skeet, Evelyn, and Daniel are in the hospital waiting room. No one says anything for a while, until Keel speaks. "Now I think I understand how you feel," he says to Skeet, who asks him what he means. "Someone sacrificing their life for you," he says. Ah. He's talking about Tommy from way back in the first episode. "It's not a good feeling," he says. "Have you prayed?" asks Skeet, which is an oddly overt religious statement for this supposedly faith-based show. Keel nods. "Like a child," he says.
Pastor James shows up with the news that people started coming by the café about an hour ago to bring money for Debbie, almost five grand so far. "Amazing, isn't it, people would rally around her in spite of what she's done," he says, like, NICE ATTITUDE, PASTOR. "There's your miracle," says Evelyn.
Daniel says he's going to be a better brother and work on his reading more. Skeet says it's the least he could do, since it's Daniel's fault she's in the hospital. Oh, he does not. He tells Daniel that he's already a good brother. And Daniel says that Debbie's going to be okay, so Skeet gently tells him that what Debbie said back at the water tower was true. The bullet hurt her, and the doctor doesn't expect her to make it. Daniel says that he knows all the earlier stuff was pretend, but she will too be okay, because she's his sister and he loves her. And she is special! he insists.
The doctor shows up and...oh, we all know she's going to be fine, don't we? "I don't know what to say. I've never seen anything like it," he says, telling the group that the path the bullet described through Debbie's chest missed four major vital organs and arteries, and that she's suffered no internal injuries. She's just lost some blood, but will be home in a couple of days, good as new. Everyone's suitably thrilled! Look at the way they tousle Daniel's hair! Keel turns to Skeet. "It's the second miracle!" he says. Shut up, Keel. Like no one's survived being shot before. I'm surprised Evelyn didn't start waving her hand and yelling, "Helll-ooooo!"
So Keel's by Debbie's bedside as she wakes up, and her first question is to ask where Daniel is, and how nice of Keel to muscle Debbie's sole living relative out of the visitor's chair, and he says that Daniel's fine, that Debbie saved him, and I think it's more accurate to say that Daniel's fine despite what Debbie did, but obviously Keel's still looking to score. And Keel notes that she saved him as well, and he thanks her. She tells him to save it and that she "deserve[s]" what happened, and she's surprised more people haven't tried to kill her after what she did. Keel tells her that far from wanting to kill her, the people in this town -- who are gullible morons, let's not forget -- are donating money, more than $8,000 so far, to help cover her hospital bill. And Keel takes a cheque out of his pocket and says it's from Mayor Letherington -- the full amount of the money he promised Debbie. "Skeet and I had a little chat with him and he realized it was simply better to pay you and not have his involvement revealed," says Keel, and I'm trying to picture Keel and Skeet acting all tough to extort money from the mayor, and it's just not working. Anyway, there's one condition to the money -- that she leaves town as soon as she's healthy enough. She smiles. "Is it a deal, Deborah?" he says, like there he goes with the "Deborah" again, because he's Mr. Cultured Scottish Man. Well, she does say that she loves it when he does that, because "no one else does." Even Keel recognizes that as a cue to move in and plant a kiss on her, which he does. And she calls him "Henry Higgins" again and they start making out right there in the hospital.
Back at the SQ HQ, Keel's working in the middle of the night when Poppy shows up, like I guess Poppy has keys to the office, and he makes a crack about Keel "burning the midnight desk lamp" and Keel says he's just doing a little bedtime reading, so Poppy checks it out -- it's The Inaudible Becomes Audible by Dr. Konstantin Raudive, which Keel says is a classic book on electronic communication with the dead, and a few seconds on Google confirms that this is an actual book. Poppy says Skeet left a message, but Keel tells him that Skeet's not here, but out on a date. Then both men look weirdly awkward after Skeet's love life is mentioned. So Poppy finally makes to leave, but Keel stops him to thank him for letting them know about the Three Springs case. "The investigation was quite illuminating," says Keel, which is I guess Keel-speak for "I totally got me some." Poppy asks if Debbie turned out to be a saint, and Keel mulls it over. "Yes. Yes she was," he says finally, "although not the kind you put in a box." So of course Poppy's all impressed by Keel coming around, and he offers to buy Keel a cup of coffee. Keel says no, but "you can buy me a drink." Poppy's all, done! He wants to know more about this possible saint. Aww! Now Keel and Skeet both have dates!