I have a shocking confession to make: I'm not married.
Now I know that's probably going to come as a surprise to anyone in the audience not named Lauren Ambrose, but it's true. If you're wondering how a guy as obviously witty (whiny), handsome (neurotic), and intelligent (what can I say? It comes with being Jewish) as myself has managed to avoid getting engaged to any of those Miss America contestants or sexy Nobel Prize winners that are always hanging out on the internet, well, wonder no more. It's actually because I'm saving myself for Sars. Ow! Dammit, Daniel, I was kidding. Stop hitting me. Not you, Sars. That I kinda like. Anyway, the point is that this brief autumn journey of ours into the Mind of the Married Man will be just as much an adventure for me as it will be for all of you. Well, all of you who aren't married, that is. Oh Lauren, why hast thou forsaken me?
Right. Anyway, now that we've got the overtly ironic intro out of the way, it's time to take a break and be serious for a moment. I can't imagine anything more pointless and inane than dedicating a recap of this crap-ass show (tm Miss Alli) to the people affected by last week's attacks, but that's exactly what I'm going to do, largely because sometimes it feels like that's all I can do. My dad spent five years in the FDNY, and he probably knows way too many of the guys who were in those buildings. There's really nothing I can say about sacrifice and heroism that hasn't already been said better by someone else, but since HBO saw fit to honor the memory of these men and women by canceling the premiere of this show and replacing it with a movie about a terrorist attack on New York, I thought it was important to try and inject some dignity back into these proceedings. So, if you haven't already, click the "What can you do to help" link on the front page. Believe me, there's nothing pointless about that.
And now, on with the recap…
We open with some '40s-style black-and-white credits as an anonymous crooner assures us repeatedly that he does, in fact, love his wife. From there, the show moves straight into what appears to be its signature style: inane banter about sexual subjects already well-covered by far superior shows, movies, and men's magazines. Two men are wandering through the wind-swept streets of Chicago, babbling about wives and computer pornography. Since there's nothing about these characters that anyone who read the one-line descriptions in the TV Guide doesn't already know, I'm just going to go ahead and give their names up front. The guy on the left is Mickey, our protagonist. The guy on the right is Doug, our, uh, pussy. Seriously. But more on that later. Anyway, the gist of the conversation is that Mickey's wife has found pornography on his computer. "What kind?" asks Doug, and it was here that I had originally intended to insert a minor treatise on all the myriad and wondrous forms of pornography to be found on this great internet of ours. Then I remembered that if you're reading this, you're already on-line, so it's not like you need me to tell you where to find the porn. In fact, do me a favor and close that other browser window. That's disgusting. At one point in the scene, we cut to a shot of Mickey's wife Donna checking out the previously mentioned pornography on a product-placed Powerbook. So, would anyone like to hazard a guess as to what Gerald Levin might be doing in the presumably pornographic pictures Steve Jobs apparently has of him? I mean, given the incessant placement Macintosh products get on both HBO and the WB, I'm surprised they haven't replaced that goofy singing frog with a goofy singing apple by now.
It's at this point that they're joined by a third friend, who, when filled in on the whole porn snafu, promptly replies, "You're fucked," just so we know he's the vulgar one. He proceeds to expand on this characterization by explaining that Mickey only masturbates because he doesn't have the guts to go after the real thing. You do get where they're going with these characters, right? How the one friend loves his wife, and the other cheats? One's good, and the other is bad? Are you sure you get it? Anyway, apropos of almost nothing, the vulgar friend (Jake) offers to set Mickey up with his "computer consultant." Cut to later, where Mickey is nervously pressing Jake for details on exactly what sort of "consulting" this woman might do. In accord with the frank, mature, and intelligent way in which this show handles its sexual content, I've decided to dub Binder's anxious, stuttering "acting" style here "sporting a Woody." He does it quite often, so it's important that we all be clear on the terminology. Jake explains that all you have to do is call the consultant and tell her "you've got a hard disk problem or a stuck floppy," while we watch jump-cuts of a saucily-clad young woman bending over to upload his…whoops. Almost went to a bad, bad place, there. You know, it was recently pointed out to me by a fellow recapper that my doing this show was going to afford me "all the wrong kind of opportunities," and now I'm worried that she might be right. At least there doesn't appear to be anyone stalk-worthy on this one. Lauren must be so relieved. Anyway, Jake seems to feel that his cheating with prostitutes is precisely why his marriage is so good. The extra sex on the side means that he doesn't ever resent his wife, whereas Mickey will always be "pining." Fortunately, "pining" doesn't seem to be any kind of a euphemism in this context. It's also worth noting that we're only three minutes in here, and I'm already on page three of the recap. Somehow I don't think the fact that this show is only a half-hour long is going to make much of a difference for me. Those legions of you out there who found my SFU recaps to be stultifying, sedulous, and anything but succinct should probably be heading over to ScoopMe right about now.
Back at the Binder Boudoir, we finally get to meet Donna. We learn that she's a tough-talking career gal (in fact, she's a newspaper reporter, just like her husband), as well as a loving and caring mother. We know this because she's got a baby in one arm, and she's using the other to hold the phone she's screaming into. Her other arm, not her other baby. Primarily because she doesn't have another baby. Yet. More on that later, too. Mickey returns home to this scene of domestic bliss, and he completely ignores the maid behind them in the kitchen as he rushes to greet his wife and young son. Donna covers the phone long enough to ask him to change the baby's diaper, but Mickey refuses and whines that he can't be expected to change a diaper immediately upon returning home because he needs time to "acclimate." Instead of putting down the phone, kicking him in the nuts, and filing for divorce like any other sane woman would do, Donna merely shoves the kid into his arms and goes back to her phone call. Wow. We're only four minutes in now, and I already hate every character on the show. This doesn't bode well. Hell, even Dawson was likable four minutes in. ["No, he wasn't." -- Sars]
Cut to Mickey changing the diaper and whining to the baby. Man, this guy never shuts up. You'd also think that someone who was so worried about "acclimating" would have at least taken off his heavy overcoat before trying to change a diaper, but I guess not. The scene ends with the obligatory lotion-squirting sight gag, and I actually had to cringe and turn away. You know, I was little worried at this point that my decision to actively dislike this show from day one would once again be proven wrong, much like what happened with Six Feet Under. I think it's safe to say, however, that Mike Binder is no Alan Ball, and when we talk a bit more about Mike's movie career down there in the paragraph, you'll realize just how true that is.
Now we get still more jump-cuts, this time of Mickey and Donna discussing the porn problem. The conversation starts in the kitchen with them doing dishes, but rapidly moves to the bedroom. The whole point of this scene is to teach us that sometimes, when women are upset, they like to pretend that nothing is wrong. Personally, I was shocked by that revelation. I mean, really. I had no idea. Also, for those of you who may be wondering just how self-indulgent the writer, producer, director, and star of this show might be, Mickey is actually wearing a "Camp Tamakwa" T-shirt in this scene. Camp Tamakwa, of course, is from the movie Indian Summer, which was, surprise surprise, written and directed by one Michael Binder. What's sad is that I actually liked that movie. Of course, in hindsight, it is very proto-Binderian. Incidentally, the only other significant film in the Binder oeuvre is Damon Wayan's Blankman. I have absolutely no idea how that happened. On the other hand, he's got another one in there called The Sex Monster, and I know EXACTLY how that one happened. Anyway, as they argue, Mickey finally convinces her to talk about the problem. Donna somehow seems not to have known that Mickey was using the pictures to pleasure himself, but even after discovering that little tidbit, she still seems cool with it. "It's your penis," she says. "You do what you want with it." Oh, if I only had a nickel for every time a girl said that to me. I could borrow a quarter and buy a stamp. Oh, and by the way, Donna is British. That has absolutely no relevance whatsoever to the plot of the episode, but it will (once again) be important for the purposes of a joke in the paragraph.
Cut to a bar somewhere, with Doug refusing to believe that Donna didn't go ballistic. They're joined by Jake, who mocks Mickey because he's forty years old and still masturbating. He also claims that Donna is making him feel guilty about it because those "British broads learned that mind-control shit during World War II." Uh, okay. Whatever. I wonder if we'll be seeing that one on Band of Brothers, or, as I like to call it, BoB. Say what you want about HBO's fall schedule this year, but at least the acronyms are fun. Speaking of which, I hereby declare the winner of the "I want my MoMMy" contest to be Myn, with "Mind of the Married Man, Yikes!" It would have been Glark, with "Mind of the Married Man, Why?" but MBTV employees and their families (and Glark is actually both of those things) aren't eligible to win. So congratulations, Myn, and I'd like to assure everyone else who entered that the fact that Myn and I have known each other since the ninth grade had absolutely nothing to do with my decision. Just make sure you send me all the negatives, okay Myn?
Meanwhile, back at the bar, Mickey tells Doug that he knows his wife, and that "the whole thing hardly fazed her." Who can guess what's coming? Yep, that's right. It's an ironic segue. Donna: "I've been devastated ever since I saw those [naughty, naughty] pictures." All you really need to know about the rest of this scene is that Mickey uses the phrase "jerking off" three times in one sentence, and Donna actually maintains a straight face while describing the girls in the porn as "young and tight, [with] tight little asses you could bounce a quarter off." They fight some more, and then head home to the strains of a song that I'm betting Mike Binder also wrote and performed himself for the soundtrack.
The day at the office, Mickey is quickly met by M. Emmet Walsh, who's playing his boss. Mickey tries to convince him to give Doug a new column, but Memmet, as I'll (hopefully temporarily) be calling him, thinks Doug is too much of a homebody to do the job well. Memmet also manages to use the word "balls" three times in one sentence. Is this what passes for humor nowadays? Using the same fucking dirty word as fucking many fucking times as you fucking can in one fucking sentence fuck? There's a ham-handed attempt at establishing a father/son rapport between these two, and then Memmet goes all meta and throws in yet another "jerking off" joke before leaving.
In his Friends-apartment-sized office, Mickey is interviewing various candidates to be his new secretary. There's three schlubs and a really hot girl who kisses his ass. Gee, I wonder who he'll hire. Not only that, but her name is Missy. Get it? Mickey and Missy? Miss Missy gushes over how much she enjoyed his column on "spiritualism in politics and its impact on the middle class." Does this guy write for Izveztia? And let's also not forget that this is man who can't go three words with using a euphemism for masturbation, and now we're supposed to believe he's the second coming of William Bennett? Whatever. As Binder sports yet another Woody (in both the anatomical and theatrical senses), we get more twitchy edits and a DEK moment of Missy suggesting that, if she's hired, people will have to "surgically remove [her] head from [his] fucking undershorts." Eww. On so many levels. Anyway, cut to Mickey telling the sassy black personnel lady that he's decided to hire Missy. She tells him she's not surprised, and yes, she does it sassily.
In the Binder bathroom, Mickey is brushing his teeth while Donna is sitting on the toilet. You know, nothing says "trying too hard to be edgy" like female urination. Well, except for incorporating anal sex, that is. Gosh, I sure hope they don't decide to go there. Donna divulges that she wants to have a second child, but Mickey would prefer to wait until the first one is old enough to change diapers. The big joke in this scene is that Donna pees for a really long time. I know. It wasn't any funnier on the show, either.
Back in the office, Missy asks Mickey (at least it aids my alliteration addiction) why he's so distracted. When he mentions trouble with the wife, Missy is quick to ask, "What'd she do, bust you with some porn?" I'm guessing there's a "from the mouth of a babe" joke in there somewhere, and I'd also bet that it'd be a damn sight more tasteful than the one that's sure to show up on this show eventually. Mickey, of course, freaks out and wonders if Jake or Doug told her to ask him that. Then he claims that she didn't actually bust him with pornography, but instead merely found some "naked pictures of college girls" that a friend e-mailed to him. Missy giggles and teases that he should just admit "that it's [his] porn, and that [he's] a dirty pervert." Yeah. Okay. I was already having a hard time believing that a girl like this would want anything to do with a guy like that, but the idea that this woman would instantly approve of her brand new boss's choice in masturbation materials is too ludicrous to even consider. Who writes this stuff? Oh, wait. That explains it.
Albert Einstein: Congratulations, Mr. Binder.
Mike Binder: What for?
Albert Einstein: Your show iz making us question ze very fabric of ze universe. Ziz iz because it vas thought only a black hole could suck up enough talent to make characters be actually zero dimensional. If iz possible to do zis on a zitcom, zen everything we know iz wrong.
Mike Binder: Wow. I mean, I knew the show was good and all, but who knew I was universe-changing good?
Albert Einstein: Ahh. I think now I zee where ze gravity comes from.
Mike Binder: Does this mean I'm like a god, or something?
Albert Einstein: You zee, F equals E times LoA squared. That iz, Forehead Size equals Ego times Level of Annoyance squared. Frankly, between you and zat Van Der Beek boy, I'm surprized your heads haven't ripped apart ze space-time continum.
Mike Binder: Yeah. Whatever. Hey, do you think sex would last longer than normal time if you could do it faster than the speed of light?
It's bedtime for Binder, and as he lies beside his wife, he suddenly dreams that Missy is beckoning from the foot of the bed. For some reason, she's wearing a sheer royal blue nightgown with a bright red bra. Not that I was looking or anything. Anyway, blah blah she wants him bling blee vanity project blech barf end-of-scenecakes.
Another walk & talk. This time, the boys discuss the whole "Donna wants another baby" thing. Absolutely nothing worth transcribing is said in this scene, so let's just move on.
Just for the record, if you're having trouble following the plot, or if you think this recap seems really jumpy and unfocused, well, it's not your fault. It's not mine either, though. That's what the show is like. And actually, since (to my knowledge, at least) this is only the second time in MBTV history that you'll actually have the opportunity to read a recap before the show has even premiered, you'll be able check it all out for yourself. Besides, if you're reading my recaps, you're probably trained like me to be watching HBO on Sunday nights anyway, so it won't even take that much effort. Anyway, Mickey and Donna are enjoying a nice dinner at home when she brings up having a second child again. Mickey feels this is just an emotional response to finding the pornography, but Donna insists she's serious. He then proceeds to berate her for never wanting to talk about sex, and also for not being receptive to his suggestions in the bedroom. Specifically as they pertain to -- yep -- you guessed it, anal sex. Are you shocked yet? Are they edgy enough for you? How about after I transcribe the remainder of Donna's dialogue from this scene? "Oh, yes. Take me into the room and just ass-fuck me straightaway. Seriously. I want it. Take me into the bedroom and just slam-fuck me in the ass. I'm hot and I'm desperate and I want it deep in my ass…give me a good solid ass-fucking, because then I've got to do the dishes and put the baby to bed." I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried, folks. Hell, most fan-fic writers couldn't make that stuff up. I will say, however, that the oh-so-predictable reaction shot of the maid in the kitchen turned out to be funnier than it had any right to be.
Back in the Binder bed, Mickey once again dreams of Missy. This time she confides that she thoroughly enjoyed their office discussion that day, which apparently revolved around "religion's impact on modern politics." I guess we should just be thankful that they weren't discussing ass-fucking's impact on modern politics. It would seem that the Clinton era really is over. In the dream, Donna wakes up and shoos Missy away. "If he's wasting anymore sperm around here," she tells her, "it's going to be on me." Sadly, I think it's about forty years too late to do much about "wasted sperm" in Mr. Binder's case. Or was that too rude? Sorry, Mike.
In the office the day, Mickey calls Missy into the office and promptly fires her. When pressed for a reason, he admits that she's making him "distracted…theoretically." She storms out.
Cut to Jake's office, where Mickey is seeking advice on the secretarial sex situation. Jake looks up from reviewing the press kit to "the new Janeane Garofalo movie" long enough to suggest that Mickey do precisely what he himself has done with his own secretary. Namely, "fuck the shit out of her." Once the affair is over, they'll settle down and be friends, and it won't be a problem anymore. "You can't fire her," announces Jake. "That's not cool. Do the right thing and fuck the shit out of her." Given the obvious Woody Allen influences at work here, I'm surprised they didn't toss in a second shout-out to Woody's equally overbearing New York colleague, and add a She's Gotta Have It joke. The "naughty" end of the spectrum thus explicated, Mickey moves on the "nice" side of the equation and asks Doug for advice as well. Before he can even answer, however, we see that Doug's secretary is a frumpy old woman in orthopedic shoes. "Never mind," says Mickey.
So now I'm wondering when Mickey finds time to write all these socio-political diatribes, because we've never actually seen him in front of a typewriter. He's now being hauled into Memmet's office, only to be told he can't fire someone just because he's a "walking boner." At least I know I wasn't the only one flashing on Memmet talking about "skin jobs" in this scene. The kids over in Six Degrees FromSix Feet Under probably spotted the Blade Runner connection from a mile away. Memmet makes Mickey make up with Missy by hiring her back, and as I frantically call Gateway to order a replacement "M" key for my keyboard, the Sassy Black Personnel Lady waggles her tongue in a sassily obscene anner. emmet also entions that Doug won't be getting that colun ickey entioned. You know, just in case that particular plotline actually atters to anyone but e.
Back in his own office, Mickey tries to justify his actions to Missy by saying that "[His] mind just gets filled with a lot of really weird shit." I'll say. I'll also have to write a bunch of essays about it. You'll forgive me if the prospect doesn't fill me joy. She quickly agrees to come back, apparently having decided against pursuing the ironclad multi-million-dollar sexual harassment lawsuit that would have allowed her to live in the lap of luxury for rest of her life. Presumably, we're to assume it's Mickey's lap she'd prefer to be living on.
The boys once again gather in the neighborhood pub they seem to frequent, and this time Doug is whining about not getting the column. It seems he was passed over because he has to spend too much time picking up his kids from soccer and whatnot. Or whatever. Take your pick. We know Doug is really angry, because he tells us he's "good and fucking angry." The swear word means he's serious. Get it? Meanwhile, Jake is putting the moves on a woman down at the end of the bar, and Mickey and Doug look on in wistful envy. Jake's apparent modus operandi is to be completely upfront and honest, and he shows the woman pictures of his wife and kids while explaining that sometimes he just "likes to play." Mickey and Doug debate whether or not he's actually being honest, or merely "factual." It's just as exciting as it sounds. This scene also includes a brief montage of Mickey imagining himself falling in love with yet another far-fetchedly fetching young woman. What's even more disturbing than the evident ego-gratification in all of this is the bizarre top hat Mike Binder is wearing in these shots. He looks like a cross between Paul Simon and a drag queen doing Abraham Lincoln. I didn't bother checking the credits, but it's probably safe to assume that Binder is handling the costuming duties on this one as well. Doug steers the conversation back to the "A" plot, and reminds Mickey that he's "better off with [his] wife" than anyone else. Then he suggests that Mickey make up with her by cooking dinner, drawing her a bath filled with rose petals, and spending the evening rubbing her feet. Incidentally, for all of you out there who dream of one day ascending to the glorious role of recapper yourself, you should know that Sars is generally very receptive to that sort of thing. I mean, it's not like she hired me for my punctuality. ["Nobody on the staff makes a better pesto." -- Sars]
And now for the touching reconciliation scene. Yes, it is safe to assume that "touching" was a double entendre. Mickey comes home with a big bag full of supplies, and immediately begins to beg Donna's forgiveness. She's more interested in knowing why he fired and then re-hired his secretary, however, lest we not realize her suspicions will be a recurring plot point this season. Mickey claims to have had a revelation which has led him to conclude that he does, in fact, love his wife. He then starts showing off the dinner, the rose petals, and some "scented shit," but Donna thinks the whole foot-rubbing idea is just "awful." "I know," replies Mickey. "We should just take [Doug and his wife] somewhere and shoot them as a favor." Donna, however, has other ideas, and suggests that they head to the bedroom for a few hours hot, sexy monkey-love. "I can’t do this on demand," whines Mickey by way of setting up the obligatory ironic HBO meta-comment. "What am I, a cable channel?" Yes. Yes, you are. Well, at least for the ten weeks you are. Although, in fairness, this show is really no worse than Arli$$, and that's been on since like 1973.
We finish things up this week at the office, with Doug and Mickey discussing the reconciliation. Since it's Doug we're dealing with, there's no mention of the "touching" aspect, but Mickey does say that things are now "really good." Just then, Jake emerges with a satiated smile and his "computer consultant" by his side. The boys can only stare in envy as she struts to the elevator and does everything but push the buttons with her tongue in an attempt to look sexy. To be honest, she does a pretty good job. Jake describes her as "liquid perfection," and then we go to slow motion as they each head off in a different direction. The end.
Just so you know, this same episode will be airing again this Sunday (9/20). For those of you who may be reading this on your holographic eye-goggles sometime in the future, that's 9/20/2001. For those of you reading in the present, I hope you and your loved ones are all safe and well, and that all we'll all feel a bit more like laughing when we meet.