We open with Patrick's jocular intro letting us know that Elmo's in the grip of a heat wave; some footage of pounds and pounds of ice falling off a glacier underscore this news, somewhat creepily for something that aired just months after An Inconvenient Truth was in cinemas. Anyway, all around Elmo, people are living it up in shorts and sleeveless tops, including some real old dudes who...shouldn't. At the bar, we see that Theresa's still rocking her jeans. I know she's rock and roll, but she couldn't even order a miniskirt from Dickie's or something? It's hot out. And the smell of her thigh sweat isn't going to sell more fries.
At the studio, Marin -- in a tank top, vest (only going to make you hotter, sweetheart), and a stupid little kerchief or something around her neck, kicks off her radio show with a call from someone Patrick says is "a shy one": the dude's been seeing a girl who wants to talk about sex all the time since they started "doing it." She's been phoning him at work to talk about it so much that he's been getting shit over it from his co-workers, so he told her to stop calling, and now she's mad. Marin asks whether the guy told his girlfriend why he asked her to knock it off, and the guy's like, "Uh...no." Marin uses this guy's problem as a teaching tool, instructing the dudes in her audience that in order for communication to work, guys actually have to talk: "Women like it when you tell them things. Don't leave us in the dark, guys. People get hurt in the dark." If that doesn't turn out to be the episode thesis, I'll eat my fur hat. And the earflaps.
Later, Marin's on the phone in a side office at the Inn, saying that when she looks back, she can't believe she didn't see the signs; she's still jawing about Graham cheating on her, of course. Anyway, she wraps it up, telling this Dr. Cohen that she'll talk to him/her week. She slides open the door and stomps up to Patrick at the front desk, asking about the odds of getting some A/C. Girl, go take a cold bath. Take it from someone who lived through a heat wave in a second-and-third-floor apartment with no cross-breezes or air conditioning: a cold bath chills you for hours. But it's not for the weak! Patrick tells Marin that A/C is planned for the Inn's "2010 upgrade," along with "Magic Finger pads." Ew. Patrick's futzing around with a craft project involving some long-ass tweezers; he tells Marin it's a mosaic he's making for Annie, for their one-month anniversary [sic]. Marin comments that Annie and Patrick are "getting pretty serious." Patrick asks if she thinks Annie will like the gift, and Marin promises that she'll love it. Marin makes to go upstairs, but Patrick stops her by saying that Graham's sleeping with "that other girl" in Marin's bed was not cool. Marin says she knows that she doesn't have many options for decent phone reception in the Inn, but that the least Patrick could do is pretend not to eavesdrop on her therapy calls. Patrick says he'll just turn off his ears: "A little trick I do with my mom sometimes." Marin doesn't seem thrilled to be compared to Celia in any way, but thanks him. She tries to leave again, but Patrick detains her by saying he doesn't think she needs "all that therapy": "You're not crazy." First, therapy's not just for crazy people. Second, whether Marin is or not is a matter of opinion. Ask around, Patrick, and I think you'll find yours is not the majority view. Patrick adds, "Are you?" Marin actually looks a little offended at being called "not crazy," and heads upstairs without a word.
At Jack's office, Annie is staring at a couple of big, fat frogs in a terrarium. Jack appears to ask whether anything's happened yet (and does so wearing a dark grey camp shirt with the sleeves rolled up and buttoned that somehow does the impossible by making him look fat and frumpy). Jack clarifies that he's asking about sex, and Annie says, "It's still kind of the getting-to-know-you phase of the relationship, not that I haven't thought about it. A lot." Jack: "We are...talking about the frogs, right?" Annie stammers that they are, and clarifies that the froggy subjects haven't mated yet. Jack is surprised, since a rise in temperature causes a lot of species to start mating. Annie's like, "Tell it to my hard-up pants, yo." Jack says that he's going home, if anyone needs him. Annie is left alone, to try to solve her problems by sticking the oscillating fan under her skirt.
Chieftain. Ben complains that Jerome's sweating is putting other patrons off their feed, and Jerome says he can't help it, because the weather's making him "hot under the proverbial collar." Kind of a tired turn of phrase, but okay. Ben's like, "No duh, and talking about it's making it worse." That guy Doug from last week decides that now is the time to mock Ben for "not getting any," high-fiving the guy to him, but Ben's not in a joking mood: "Why don't you shut up before I wipe down this counter with your face?!" Doug tells Ben to calm down -- "We've all got crazy exes or whatever" -- and Ben apologizes, blaming his outburst on guess what the heat. Theresa comes over to ask if everything's all right; the patrons all get very interested in their beers as Ben lies that he is.
Back at the Inn, Marin is lackadaisically pecking at her laptop when she hears a squeak. She exasperatedly gets up to check on Rocky, the raccoon, but when she opens the closet door, she finds him rolled up in her terry-cloth robe, looking feeble. He doesn't even react when she pets him, so she closes the door again and takes off. To the Raccoonmobile!
Marin anxiously knocks on Jack's front door. She gets no answer when she calls for him, but she presently hears some kind of power tool, and wanders out to the yard, where Jack is stripped to a t-shirt (with the sleeves rolled up and everything), working on...something with tools. At this display of raw masculine power, Marin cocks her head; Rachael Yamagata's "I Want You" starts playing as Marin regards Jack with some interest. If by "interest," you mean "raw lust." I mean, she actually bites her lip and shakes her head at him like she's in that Diet Coke ad with Lucky Vanous. Jack stops what he's working on and turns for a second, whereupon he notices Marin. They both try to act casual -- he puts his hands on his hips, just making a better frame for his tool belt, and she stammers that she was just admiring his...yard. Yeah, his BACK yard. Jack takes off his safety glasses with a flourish, and Marin gets closer to ask what he's making. He says it's a kayak. She says it looks roomy -- "Almost as big as my New York apartment" -- and then they both just stare appreciatively at each other until Jack asks, "Is there something you needed? Coach?" This jogs Marin's memory, and she breathes that Rocky's sick. Jack doesn't know that this is what Marin's named the raccoon, so she explains, ending by asking him to take a look. Jack agrees, and as he unbuckles his tool belt, Marin gets a glimpse of his checked boxer shorts, causing her to flush and grin like an idiot. Jack takes a few steps toward her, and Marin looks like she's getting ready for a kiss, but it turns out she's just standing in front of the table where Jack needs to drop the belt. Marin babbles about trying to find him at his office first, and Jack says it's okay. As he gets ready to leave, Marin notices the "LYNN" on his arm, and says she didn't know he had a tattoo. "Yup," says Jack, without elaborating, and heads for the truck.
Back at Jack's office, Patrick is telling Annie that he used to take his mid-morning snack with his mom, but that his leftover muffins never tasted so good. Annie -- who's in a different shirt than she was wearing when Jack was there earlier, but maybe she just sweated through the other one -- doesn't reply; she's staring intently at the frogs, waiting for them to get it on, I guess. Patrick hands Annie a piece of muffin, babbling about his recipe, and then leans forward to comment that the frogs aren't really doing much. "I think we should have sex," blurts Annie. Patrick stops chewing. The frogs do not take their cue to start fucking.
After the commercials, Jack is kneeling in the doorway of Marin's closet, checking on Rocky. He says it's a good thing he arrived when he did, and Marin complains that he could have been there sooner if he had a phone: "What kind of person doesn't have a phone?" It is weird that he doesn't at least have a cell phone if he's, like, an emergency first responder. Okay, with animals, but still. Anyway, Marin yammers on: "Don't you ever want to talk to anybody?" "Not really," Jack replies, rolling his eyes like, "Present company included." Marin asks what happens if someone wants to get in touch with him: "Like your friends? Or your brother? Or...Lynn? Assuming Lynn is still--" "They call me at work," Jack gruffs. He stands -- which, given the position Marin had taken up when she was hovering over his ministrations, puts them practically chest to chest -- and Marin looks up at him with a breathless "Sorry." Jack uncomfortably shifts his shoulders, and then says that Rocky's dehydrated, so he's going to take Rocky with him. Marin whines that she's been giving Rocky water. "And a belt," says Jack, holding up another of Rocky's conquests. As Jack kneels down again, putting on his animal-handling gloves, Marin comments that at least Rocky has "fabulous taste." Jack says that maybe he just preferred the belt to the little nugget of synthetic food he's just found in the closet. Marin defends that it's an energy bar: "I thought it would give him...energy." "Apparently not," says Jack, gathering Rocky up in the robe or towel he'd been cowering in, and putting him into a nearby animal carrier. Marin says she feels awful about Rocky's current state, and that they should release him back into the wild before she kills him. Well...yeah. He is a wild animal, after all. Jack can't believe Marin tried to make a raccoon her pet. Marin bleats, "He's not my pet! It's not like I--" "Named him?" asks Jack pointedly. Marin says that she and Rocky are roommates. Jack says that he's domesticated now: "May as well put a collar on him." Well, it's more than she was apparently able to do with Graham. Marin needles that she could tattoo her name on Rocky's tiny arm. Jack wearily asks what Marin's getting at, and she finally comes right out and asks, "Who's Lynn?" "She's none of your business," says Jack, pretty seriously, leaving and closing the door after him. Marin is shocked that her sass and charm weren't equal to Jack's defenses.
Sometime later, Marin's in a different outfit, telling Sara, who's sitting on the bed, about her exchange with Jack. She points out -- rightly enough, frankly -- that if Lynn is such a big secret, maybe Jack should have decided against branding his skin with her name. Sara's like, "Oh, Lynn." Marin, for some reason, can't believe that Sara knows her, and Sara corrects, "Knew her. She's Jack's ex." "Wife?" gasps Marin. "Girlfriend," says Sara. "She left three months ago. He was kind of heartbroken." Marin nods that she knows how that goes. Sara grins as she asks if Marin's interested in Jack. Marin takes way too long to deny it: "Mr. Non-Verbal? I don't think so -- not exactly my type." "I see," says Sara knowingly. Marin adds that for her to get involved with any man, at the moment, would be "unwise" (with sarcastic air quotes and everything), as her therapist would say. Sara cracks up.
At Jack's office, Annie drops a huge file of papers and curses herself out for being a "dope." Jack strides out (in a different outfit than he was wearing at Marin's, with Rocky, while Annie's in the same thing she was wearing when she told Patrick they should have sex -- look, I'm just saying these scenes were obviously supposed to be in a different order, originally) and tells her it's okay, getting down on the floor to help her, which is a mistake, as Annie uses it as an invitation for her to tell Jack about her sex proposal, and how it was met with total silence on Patrick's part. Jack looks like he wants to drop all the paper and run home, but he stays to hear Annie quaver on that she doesn't know if Patrick was silent because he thinks she's a "brazen hussy," or because he just doesn't want to have sex with her. Jack awkwardly says that he's sure Patrick doesn't think Annie is a "brazen...person," and she turns on him to ask if that means he thinks Patrick isn't interested. Jack sputters that maybe Patrick's afraid. Annie asks of what, and Jack says, "You know, sex." Annie doesn't get it, so Jack elaborates, "It complicates things." Annie agrees that she may have pushed too hard -- maybe pushing Patrick into the relationship itself, when he doesn't even like her but is too polite to say so. Jack says that Patrick obviously likes her: "He brings you muffins every day. That's got to say something." Annie bitterly says that they're leftover muffins: "Leftover. Get it?" "Not really," Jack murmurs, chuckling. "Exactly," spits Annie, who dumps the pile of papers in Jack's hands and takes off. And that's how Jack learned: trying to help Annie isn't worth it.
Marin skips down the stairs at the Inn, past a frustrated Patrick, still working on the mosaic: "Damn daisy!" Marin stops in her progress to the door and turns back, asking if Patrick's okay. "Yeah," he lies, dejectedly. Marin presses him to make sure that's true, and he puts her off, but as she's heading for the door again, he says that his friend might have a problem. Marin returns, and Patrick explains that his "friend" is a virgin, and he wants to know if he has to tell his girlfriend that, or if he can just not say anything, lest she think he's "a big loser freak." Well, if he's a virgin, wouldn't that mean he's not any kind of freak? Particularly not a superfreak, anyway. Marin kindly says that his friend should be open: "If his girlfriend is anything like Annie, I'm sure she'll understand." Patrick rejoices, but then pulls back his reaction to say he thinks his friend will be really happy to hear that. Marin pretends she believes Patrick has a friend.
Marin enters Jack's office, where he appears to be alone. Marin hoarsely says that she came to check on Rocky, and Jack says he's fine. She asks if she can take Rocky home, and Jack sort of reluctantly says she can, if she wants. He sets Rocky down, in his carrier, at Marin's feet, and moves past her without another word. Marin stops Jack to apologize for her nosiness about Lynn. She says she didn't want to make him uncomfortable, and that Lynn is none of her business. Jack says it's okay. Marin can't resist adding, "If you ever want to talk...." Jack relents, telling Marin that he and Lynn broke up a few months ago: "She left. It was bad." Marin unhelpfully says, "According to the experts, it gets better." Jack shakes his head at her useless, pat advice. Marin adds, "I don't know Lynn, but she must have been crazy to leave you. You're smart -- a man of few words, but smart. Incredibly handy. Great with raccoons. And pretty easy on the eyes, too." "You're not so bad yourself," says Jack quietly. Marin brightly thanks him for the compliment, and then Jack takes a couple of steps forward, and it looks like he's moving in for a kiss -- even more than it did before -- but then he reaches around Marin to pick up the carrier for her. Marin's like, "O...kay," and trudges after him, raccoon feed in hand. I choose to believe it's Shredded Wheat.
Later, Marin works in bed, plainly suffering from the heat. A knock comes at the door, and she goes to get it wearing just her tank top and girly boxer shorts. Opening it, Marin offers a surprised "Hey," and then the camera turns so we can see it's Jack at the door. Like a man possessed, he reaches his hands out to take her face, and plants a huge kiss on her. He presses her into the door; she wraps her legs around his, and then he kicks the door closed and carries her over to the bed, where he drops her, and they continue their clinch. I'm not going to lie: it's hot. As they go at it, the camera pans down toward the floor, and I seriously can't believe the producers passed up an opportunity to quirk it up by sticking Rocky under the bed as all the mating was going on above.
After the commercials, Abe Lincoln presides over Jack and Marin's afterglow. Marin anoints the coupling with a "wow," but Jack's response is to look kind of freaked out as he announces that he should go. Marin wants to know if they shouldn't "talk about what just happened," and Jack, getting dressed, says, "Uh. Okay." "What just happened?" Marin sputters. "Great sex?" shrugs Jack. That's it in a nutshell! Marin lies back down, agreeing, and realizing that there won't be much of a post-mortem on it. Jack wants to know if they're "good," and Marin assures him, "We're great." "Thanks," says Jack. Marin, a little weirded out, pleasantly says, "You're welcome." Jack grins, and leaves. With his hair all mussed, he looks so much hotter, oh my god. Left alone in bed, Marin spreads her hands and repeats, "'Thanks'?" Well, yeah. I don't want to speak for Marin, but I'm pretty sure that was no problem.
A hand knocks at Sara's door. She opens it, looking cordial, but when she sees her visitor, her eyes widen in shock: "Hey!" It's Ben. Looking so uncomfortable, Ben asks if Sara's busy. "No?" says Sara. Ben glances up and down the hall and then enters. Sara, totally flummoxed, closes the door. Okay, he's an unexpected client, but shouldn't she be prepared for any kind of crazy shit her patrons throw at her? I mean "crazy shit" in the colloquial sense. I'm really hoping there aren't any budding Chuck Berries in Elmo.
Patrick has stolen into Jack's office to leave the mosaic on Annie's desk; he's carefully propping a card on it when Annie herself enters. Seeing Patrick, she greets him guardedly, and he tells her he was just leaving her something, and holds the mosaic out to her. As she regards it, Patrick explains that it's the flower field from their first date, and she smiles that it's beautiful. Patrick tells Annie that he was also leaving her a note, and that she can read it, or he can just tell her what it says (which, it seems to me, is the more televisually compelling way to do it). Annie swallows, sure that it contains some kind of terrible news, and says he can tell her. Patrick takes the instruction literally, and recites, "'Dear Annie: Hope you like the mosaic. It's of the flower field from our first date. You're really special to me. And I'd like to do that thing you mentioned.'" Annie's eyes widen slightly, and she allows herself a tiny smile. Patrick continues: "'But you should know, I've never done it before.'" "So...you're a virgin?" Annie deduces. Blushing, Patrick admits it. Annie: "I'm...not." Hee. I normally find the character of Annie really irritating, but Emily Bergl occasionally gets off little moments that make her seem real, and the deep, meaningful way she uttered that "not" was pretty hilarious. Anyway, Annie asks if her being a raging non-virgin is a problem (I'm paraphrasing), and Patrick says that it isn't for him, but he wants to know if it is for her. She promises that it isn't: "But your first time is a really big deal. I totally understand if you want to wait -- make sure?" Patrick says he's sure, and they kiss, just once, very sweetly. He starts to ask if he should...something, but Annie tells him she'll do everything: "I want to make your first time a night you'll never forget. All you have to do is come prepared, okay?" "OKAY!" dorks Patrick. Heh.
In Sara's room, Ben nervously chugs a glass of what I hope is water. He tells Sara that he just got really thirsty all of a sudden. Sara -- a little sheepish in her men's button-down and no pants -- sort of minces over to the foot of the bed on which Ben is sitting, waiting for him to say why he's there, and finally Ben manages to say he needs to know if he's good in bed: "Or not. Or just okay." Sara haltingly asks if Ben wants to take his clothes off, or if he wants her to do that for him. Ben starts laughing, with some relief, and explains that he just wants her opinion, as someone who's dated him. Even more relieved, Sara practically falls over laughing, and then sits on the bed to talk it over. She exposits that it was six years ago, and for some reason this causes Ben to decide that his project was a bad idea, and he gets up to leave. Sara takes his hand and tells him significantly, "You always did it for me." Ben raises his eyebrows with a little hope: "I did?" "You did," Sara assures him. Ben shakes his head, smiling, and sits down to Sara as he explains that he and Theresa fooled around recently and that it didn't go anywhere, so now he doesn't know what's happening. Sara wants to know if Ben's asked Theresa about it, and Ben says that he and Theresa don't really talk much anymore. They both look sad a moment, and then Sara says that Ben was the best she ever had. Ben, secretly pleased, nudges her: "Come on." Sara says she means it: "It's not just the sex I'm talking about; it's the way you made me feel, like I was the most beautiful woman in the world." "You are beautiful," says Ben. She nudges him back: "Come on." They both chuckle fondly. Ben says he should get back to the bar, and thanks Sara. "Any time," she replies. They hug warmly, and then, because Sara's already halfway there anyway, with the no pants, Ben gives Sara a huge kiss, which she returns as they fall over onto the bed. Love is all around!
In her room, Marin runs a bare foot up her other bare leg, playing with her ruined belt and, obviously, thinking about tying Jack up in it.
At home, Jack intensely stares ahead, drinking water. Lucky for him, his doorbell rings, and when he goes to open it, he sees the woman he ordered...with his mind. There's Marin, in her tank top, saying by way of explanation, "It's hot." Jack seriously looks like he can't believe he actually conjured his dearest wish into flesh, and more hot macking ensues. Frankly, I can kind of understand why Anne Heche left her husband for James Tupper. Not that her husband's last name being "Laffoon" really helped much.
Later, Jack and Marin are spooning in his bed when Marin can't stop herself commenting that though she knows Jack isn't much of a talker, he has to admit that was awesome. "I like the way you smell, by the way," she adds. "Like the woods. I like that smell." Jack is obviously barely conscious, so Marin asks if he's awake. "Yeah," he grunts. "Am I talking too much?" she asks. "...Yeah," he replies. "Do you ever say anything other than 'yeah'?" Marin asks. "Nope," mutters Jack, and then they both giggle a little. She starts to get a little pillow-fight action going, but then there's a token knock at the door and Annie calls out that she's there, asking for Jack. Marin and Jack scramble to get dressed as Annie makes her way through the house, saying that she's dropping off a grant proposal. Jack hisses at Marin to go out the back, but as she's going, she gets a toe caught in the strap of her bra, hanging from the bedpost, and she goes down on a pile of bedding, groaning and laughing. Out in the kitchen, Annie tries to figure out if she's hearing what she thinks she is. In the bedroom, Marin indicates the bra and cracks, "It's a booby trap!" Oh, fine: hee. Jack also manages a laugh, throwing the bra at her. Annie blahs some more about the grant proposal, and Jack jogs in, doing up his pants, trying to look like he didn't just totally have all the sex as he says he was just having a nap. Annie apologizes if she woke him, but Jack tries to hustle her out, promising to look at the proposal later that night. Annie wheedles that it'll only take a minute, but just as Jack's almost got her to the door, there's an offscreen thud. They pause a second, and then Jack gets Annie all the way to the door with an instruction that she just send it without his looking it over, because he trusts her. Annie's delighted to hear that he does, and wants to hang around and talk about it, which is why she sees when Marin slinks down the hall, swaddled in bedclothes, and falls off the back porch. "Ohhhh," says Annie. "Yeah," says Jack, horribly embarrassed. Annie grins conspiratorially at Jack, who starts to stammer an explanation, but Annie winks that her lips are sealed. Yeah, right -- I somehow don't see Annie as the soul of discretion, though she couldn't be any more gossipy than the men of Elmo.
In Sara's room, Ben is post-coitally buttoning his shirt, as Sara, looking entirely satisfied, says that their...assignation was nice. Ben agrees, and then turns toward the mirror and takes a wad of bills out of his pocket, saying, "I don't know if I'm supposed to...?" Ooooooh, man. Awkward. I mean, sure, he doesn't want to assume he's so good she'd throw him a freebie, but on the other hand, it's kind of insulting for him to assume that her box is always on the clock, you know? Sara can't believe that the niceness of the moment could be ruined so fast, and she asks, "You think I did this for money?" Ben puts the money back in his pocket, mumbling that he didn't want to assume anything. Sara blinks. They both sit in silence. Oh, it's awkward. Ben eventually says that he should get back to work. "Yeah, me too," says Sara, less pointedly than I might under the same circumstances -- you know, were I a lady of the evening. After another moment just to make sure the awkwardness sinks all the way in, Ben slinks off.
General store. Marin is fanning herself with a tin pet's water dish when she runs into her friend (with benefits) Jack. They freeze when they see each other, and after the extra between them has made himself scarce, Jack and Marin meet up at the cereal section so that she can tell him she put his sheet back under his kayak. Another dude makes his way up the aisle, and they freeze again; Jack says that maybe he should come back later, but Marin says it's okay...and promptly knocks over a bunch of cereal boxes. She and Jack bend down to pick everything up, Marin murmuring that they should be able to be in a store together. Jack says he just doesn't want the whole town to know what they're doing, and Marin says she doesn't, either, especially since the two of them don't even know what they're doing. There's a pointed throat-clearing, and then Jack and Marin straighten up, Marin telling him that they need to define the terms of their arrangement so that they're not so uncomfortable with each other all the damn time. Annie looks through a gap in the merchandise to watch Jack and Marin agree to discuss their booty-calling parameters. Marin says she'll come over to Jack's at 9. Ah, yes -- the seduction hour. I mean, for old people who need their rest. I've said too much. Jack smiles, and once Marin's gone, Annie shows herself so that she can run up to Jack, all Kelly Kapoor, to say she know she's not supposed to say anything about anything: "But can I just say, YAY!" She says that Jack and Marin look great together, and she was thinking that if Jack and Marin make their relationship permanent, maybe Marin won't go straight back to New York as soon as she finishes her book: "She's such a huge flight risk. God, it would be so awful here without her, don't you think?" Jack looks seriously horrified that anyone could be this far up in his business, and just glares at Annie until she goes away.
A robed Sara is reading a magazine in her room when she hears a hissing through the bathroom door. It's Marin, of course, saying through the keyhole that she really needs to talk. I was about to ask why she couldn't just knock like a normal person, but if she wasn't making a total spectacle of herself for no good reason, she wouldn't be Marin.
Moments later, Marin is sitting on Sara's bed, bringing her up to speed on all the sex she's been having with Jack. Sara doesn't see what the big deal is: "Sounds like you had sex with a hot guy. Twice!" Marin smugly agrees that Jack is hot, but then resumes overthinking it, flopping down on the bed as she says she's "not a hooker-upper -- no offense." "None taken," Sara replies. Marin says it would be mean of her to make Jack her rebound guy, but that she isn't ready for anything else. Sara suggests that Marin tell Jack as much when she sees him that night, but Marin smiles devilishly, like she's trying to think of a way she can get another hookup out of it before she does. Sara laughs, knowing exactly what she's thinking, and Marin adds that she doesn't want things to get awkward -- plus Jack is really hot. Sara sits up: "You want to hear awkward? I slept with Ben." Marin makes the mistake of referring to him as "Theresa's Ben," and, off Sara's look, has to backpedal quickly, ending at "And...?" Sara says that it was nice until he tried to pay her. Marin squints: "Isn't that the general idea?" Sara explains that she and Ben dated a few years ago: "I stupidly broke things off when Matt's dad came back into my life for, like, thirty seconds -- just long enough for Ben to meet Theresa." Marin asks if Sara still likes Ben, and Sara sort of deflates for a second before admitting, "Maybe I do! I didn't think I did. This is why I don't date anymore. Not that I would date a married guy anyways." Marin says that she's the last person to suggest anyone have an affair, but that Ben and Theresa are in a weird situation, marriage-wise: "Maybe she wouldn't mind." Sara rolls her eyes: "All women mind." Yeah, but Theresa kind of lost her right to complain when she brought that Gary dude home and then left him there with Ben.
At 9 (I assume), Marin knocks on Jack's front door. Getting no answer, she lets herself in, and wanders around calling his name, all flirty, like she thinks they're playing Hide and Sex. Soon, she realizes that there's no flirting; Jack just plain is not there.
Patrick opens the door at Annie's and discovers that she's turned the place into Sex Cliché Land -- it's the Dirtiest Place On Earth! Sultry music is playing, a bunch of candles are burning, rose petals are scattered everywhere (where did she get fresh flowers when there aren't any florists around?), and then Annie herself sticks a bare leg through the gap in the sheet-curtains she's put up to separate her bed from the rest of the apartment and follows it with the rest of her, in a cute but comparatively demure white satin negligee. Patrick looks overwhelmed: "This is.... You look...." He bounces up and down on the balls of his feet and then desperately asks for a glass of water. Little does he know that he'll have to drink it out of Annie's navel.
Back at Jack's, Marin leaves a note on Jack's fridge: "I WAS HERE WHERE WERE YOU? M." Too good for periods, are we? GOOD GRAMMAR COSTS NOTHING. Neither does good syntax. Or orthography. Leave a note for Strunk & White.
At Annie's, Patrick chugs his water and lets Annie stroke his head watchfully. Just like Ben earlier, Patrick covers that he was just hot. Annie smiles winningly. Patrick strokes her negligee and says it may be the most perfect piece of clothing he's ever seen. Annie leans in, and Patrick kisses her. He bravely unbuttons the jacket and gets it off as she whispers that she just wanted everything to be perfect for Patrick's first time. Patrick seems to be doing just fine for himself, considering, as Annie blathers on that this is already much better than her first time, which was "so not perfect -- awful, actually." "'Awful'?" asks Patrick, getting anxious. Annie says that her first paramour was nervous, and just kept "groping [her] like a blind guy." Patrick stops feebly petting Annie's back. Annie stupidly keeps telling the story as they kiss and make their way bedward, talking about how she woke up the morning in a barn, just her and some goats. Oooh, that's hot. Talk not just of barnyard animals, but ones that eat trash. For some reason, mentioning the goats reminds Annie to check that Patrick brought condoms, which he didn't. She coos that she told him to come prepared, and Patrick pulls away: "Well, I'm not, okay? I'm not prepared for any of this! Bye!" And off he tears. Well, now Patrick's first (half) time is as crappy as Annie's. Well done, Petal Queen.
Chieftain. Patrick is contemplating a pile of peanut shells at last call. Theresa comes by to take his empty bowl to the kitchen; he asks for another, and she primly says she thinks he's had enough. Dejected, he lays his head down on the bar. Hey, Patrick-- you don't have to go home, but you can't stay here, even if you are only drunk on what looks like club soda. Even though it's 3 AM (or 1 -- either way), Marin's just now gotten around to the Chieftain in her search for Jack; regardless of the time, Jack hasn't been there all night. Jerome reports that he saw Jack loading up his fishing gear, and supposes that Jack's up at his cabin, and Marin surmises that he's "hiding to avoid a simple conversation." Or, Marin's jumping to conclusions because Jack's hurt her in the dark. I'm just guessing. Patrick, head still on the bar, pipes up to say that he wishes he could go into hiding. He sits up, and Marin asks if something happened between him and Annie. Patrick says that nothing happened, because he's a "big loser freak." Ben laughs that he isn't -- pretty confidently, given the little he knows about the situation. Patrick tells Marin how much trouble (clichéd trouble, not that he calls it that) Annie went through to make everything special (clichéd special), and that Patrick was so worried he was going to mess up the night that he couldn't go through with all the sex, thus messing up the night. Marin can't believe that Patrick ran out, but he corrects, "I may have sprinted!"
Marin decides to use this as a teaching tool, too: "What is it with you guys? Why do you just run off when something gets a little awkward? Why don't you just talk, and work things out like...civilized women?" Girl, if that's what you want, find a civilized woman to date. Theresa looks like she isn't afraid of a little experimentation -- and hey, Celia's already made overtures, of a sort. Ben explains, "Talking leads to drama, and drama leads to more talking. It's a vicious circle." Theresa, her eyes squarely on Ben, states that men are afraid of talking. Ben doesn't choose to deny it. Jerome says that men don't want to give women "any more ammo." "So we're the enemy, here?" Marin whines. Ben suggests that with the time women spend "analyzing everything to death," they could actually be "doing something." Oh, like Patrick is right now? The dude at the end of the bar from ReGenesis (I think) says that men aren't talkers, they're doers. Again: Patrick is belying the men's apparent argument, here, which Marin realizes, gesturing at Patrick and telling him to do something, then. Patrick and his flop sweat regard Marin as she asks, "You care about Annie, right?" Patrick says that of course he does. Marin tells him that, in that case, he should run right back to her and tell her he wants to be with her, "because there aren't too many girls like that around here." There...aren't too many girls of any kind around Elmo, which is...the point of the show, BUT ANYWAY, this seems to resonate with Ben as well. Marin adds that, if nothing else, Annie deserves a face-to-face conversation, even though, as usual, Marin is secretly talking about herself here. At least this time she realizes it, and adds that she's going to have a face-to-face conversation if it kills her. Patrick leaps up and runs out of the bar like he has to take a wicked pee. Marin announces to Ben that she has a cabin to find. My kingdom for a flash freeze that will draw Marin out onto some ice again. Before she leaves, though, Marin realizes that she needs to ask for directions, which Jerome et al are cagey about sharing. Ben lays it out more clearly, adding that it's complicated and that the roads out there get really dark. Marin smugly says that, in that case, she will stop for directions, "because that's what women do -- we ask things!" Everyone looks like they hope Marin takes a left in the middle of the suspension bridge. "There goes drama," mutters Jerome. Maybe ReGenesis Guy drinks to that, as do I.
Turns out my characterization of Patrick's pee run wasn't so far off: he's gotten as far as the bathroom, where he's putting coins into a machine in an effort to purchase some prophylactics I'm guessing date from the Truman administration. The machine, like every tampon dispenser I've ever tried to buy from a public restroom, doesn't work, but Patrick's experience and mine diverge when he decides the remedy is to stick his hand up the slot, where, of course, it gets stuck. Jerome walks in just as Patrick is realizing what a bad idea this was, and Jerome, taking a leak, has the dexterity to lean back and comment, "Looks like someone got his hand caught in the cookie jar." Or maybe Jerome doesn't have that much dexterity and just doesn't care if he misses the urinal; we are in Guyville, after all. May I add that this foible doesn't bode well for Patrick's future technique with Annie? It's bad enough that he's all awkward and ungainly even in a resting state; if he's going to get parts caught in places...I mean, the best Annie can probably hope for is that he'll just lean a lot on her hair.
In her apartment (and still in just her nightie), Annie places a call to the Inn but gets the machine. She sadly hangs up without leaving a message.
At said Inn, Ben knocks on Sara's door, and tells her that he wanted to apologize for his behaviour earlier: "I left things weird between us, and I'm sorry." Sara looks gratefully up at him (man, that dude is tall), and kindly says it's okay. "No, it's not," says Ben, and asks her to have dinner with him the night. Sara, surprised, shrugs, "Sure!" Ben, relieved, says "great" a couple of times, adding, "Don't be offended if I pay for dinner." Sara cracks up. Awkwardness dissolved! Well done.
Marin drives along in the dark, dark dark. She gets to a sign that reads that Ravenhook, where Jack's cabin is, is a quarter-mile off, and confidently turns. I dearly hope that making cocky blind turns of the metaphorical variety was something Marin cautioned against in her driving-analogy-filled books, and yet, I doubt it.
Back at the Chieftain, all the dudes are gathered around Patrick's jammed hand; Ben appears to be spraying Patrick's hand with Pam as Jerome regales the group with the tale of how he lost his own "flower" to his high-school librarian, whom he describes as "a trifecta of hotness: lonely, divorced, and over forty." He adds that he still uses some of the moves she taught him. I really hope they somehow involve rubber stamps and a card catalogue. "There are moves?!" Patrick squeaks to Ben, who nods with an eyebrow-raise. A nearby guy who looks like a darker-haired Isaac Hanson says he can't remember the name of the first girl he slept with (shut up, Dark Isaac, I'm so sure), and Patrick desperately says that Annie's going to forget about him. Ben assures him that she won't, because Patrick matters to her: "You don't forget about the people you care about." "I gotta get out of here!" bellows Patrick. The Pam having no effect, Jerome has another idea, and gets between Patrick and Ben to unfold his pocket knife. Patrick is not reassured.
As a cover of "Two Tickets To Paradise" kicks up on the soundtrack, back at her apartment, Annie has changed into two-piece jammies, and picks up the mosaic to stare at it, sadly, wondering why Patrick would make her a craft from a kit for children under ten.
Marin is still struggling to find Jack's cabin, apparently without success.
From the outside of the Chieftain men's room, we see a cheer go up, and Jerome strides out, proudly declaring, "I think we got it." The one guy left at the bar raises a glass. Hee.
Marin drives. She passes another "Ravenhook 1/4 MILE" sign -- or possibly the same one. Driving in circles, get it? Presently, she comes up to a barrier with a "ROAD CLOSED" sign (get it?!) and squeals to a halt. When she stops, we see there is more to the sign: "TRAVEL BEYOND THIS POINT NOT RECOMMENDED." GET IT?! Marin, defeated, hangs her head. And then there's a rainstorm.
Back in Elmo, Patrick runs down the street, apparently pursued by dogs -- the hell? He knocks over a garbage can, and when the camera cuts to a shot of him from the back, we see that he's...still got the condom dispenser attached to his hand. Hijinx! He decides that the best thing to do is to stop dead on the street outside Annie's and start yelling her name, even though it's after last call. Patrick, the good people of Elmo are trying to sleep. If I were one of Annie's neighbours, I would dump a pot of coffee and hot sauce on you, Newsradio hazing-style. DON'T INTERRUPT PEOPLE'S SLEEP. Even if you assume they have white-noise machines, THEY CAN STILL HEAR YOU. Okay, Party House? Annie, fueled by sexual frustration, is mopping too furiously to hear him, so Patrick looks at the condom machine on his hand and gets a brainstorm.
Cut back to Annie mopping, and then the incredibly loud sound of a window breaking, causing her to scream in surprise and terror. She stumbles to her bed to see a boot lying on it. Patrick. Guy. You still have one good hand. You couldn't use a pay phone? Anyway, now she can hear him yelling, and walks up to her broken bedroom window to see Patrick standing dejectedly, and machine-handedly, in the street below. He apologizes for running off before, and for breaking her window; he claims that he knocked, not that we saw it, so I'm calling bullshit and assuming he just felt like yelling and disturbing honest hardworking people who were just trying to sleep. Annie wants to know what's on his hand, and he holds it up over his head, like Lloyd Dobler's boom box, and tells her it's a condom dispenser: "I got my hand stuck. It's a really long story." No, that's...pretty much the whole thing, dumb-ass. Annie quavers that she thought he wasn't coming back: "I have been waiting over three hours for you!" Patrick counters, "I've been waiting over twenty-six years for you! And if you let me --" He stops for a moment, pondering what to promise, and decides, "I'll give you the best first time you never had!" Annie pouts, and then Patrick says he loves her. Annie looks like she's about to start bawling, and then she disappears from the window. Patrick looks desperate to have lost visual contact, but of course it's just because she's running downstairs to tell him, "I love you too!" They kiss -- he even picks her up and swings her around, which is cute. Dork love!
Morning dawns over Alaska, and we see that Marin slept in her truck at the "ROAD CLOSED" sign. There's a metaphor here for Marin's insistence on having her way despite all obvious obstacles against her...or maybe she just wasn't confident that she could find her way back to Elmo in the dark. Holding her head, Marin gets out, stretching, and looks around at the landscape like she's never sen it before. Through a gap in the trees, she sees the suspension bridge, ruefully telling herself, "It was right here."
Cut to Marin walking across the bridge, trying to hold both railings despite her tiny arm span. When she gets to the middle, more or less, she's pulled up short by the beautiful view, and then glances down to see it even further enhanced with Jack, standing in the stream fishing. She calls his name, but he doesn't hear her, so she struggles to the other side and walks down (I guess) to meet him in the water. He looks up, unsurprised, and asks what she's doing there. Unafraid to ruin her shoes, Marin wades into the knee-deep water and stomps up to him -- not easy to do with that kind of liquid resistance -- and demands, "Why did you bail on me?" Jack says he's sorry, but shrugs that he needed to be alone. Marin says that he could have told her that. Frustrated, she calls him "a man of few words" again (and, seriously, Marin...pick another phrase to describe him; maybe he has plenty of words for people who aren't you), asking, "Is there something you want to say to me? Or not say to me? 'Cause I've got to tell you, I'm really confused here." Jack, still not meeting her eye, says that's why he comes out there; it helps him to think. Marin asks what he was thinking about, which I didn't think a woman was entitled to ask a man until they were at least boyfriend/girlfriend. Jack hesitates, but then looks at Marin and admits, "Us." "There's an 'us'?" asks Marin, sounding weirdly disgusted about it. Jack chuckles: "You don't stop, do you?" Marin says simply, "It's how I'm built. I'm a talker -- it's what I do." She pauses, and then adds, "Usually. Until I didn't with Graham, and then it came and to bite me in the ass, so I don't do that anymore." Jack nods, like he gets and respects that. Marin frankly adds, "If there's an awkward conversation to be had, I'm your gal." Jack haltingly admits that he doesn't think he's ready to be involved again. Marin nods, apparently not upset or surprised about it: "Okay." Jack adds, "If I was, you'd definitely be up there." Marin chuckles: "'Up there.' Thanks." She goes on to say that it's pretty clear she's not ready for a relationship either. Jack barely nods, and Marin says that's what she was going to tell him the night, when he left, without leaving her a note. Jack apologizes again, and seems to mean it. Marin says that at least they know that they're on the same page, but can't just let it lie: "And just to clarify, that page would be...?" Uh, the one that reads "THE END"? Jack grins: "Uh. Friends?" Marin giggles, "Yeah, okay. Friends." She says that she's never been "just friends" with someone she's had sex with. Jack says he bets she's never fly-fished, either. Marin shakes her head, and Jack puts the reel in her hands and wraps his arms around her to show her how to cast. God, the man even makes fishing look sexy. Marin decides to get awkward all over their nice moment by saying that, as Jack's friend, she'd like him to know that he's very good in bed. Jack chuckles, and then says she is, too: "Now, stop talking. You're scaring the fish." Hee! I kind of want him to use that as his excuse for her to shut up all the time, even when they're, like, at the store.
Marin wraps it up with a voice-over, saying that sometimes, when we're quiet, the answers we're waiting for find us. As we pan over Jack's frogs -- who've assumed the position and look like they're doing it froggy-style (SORRY) -- she says that "we can't always use words to find our way through the darkness." As Sara and Ben enjoy a pleasant meal at the closed Chieftain, Marin says that sometimes the best you can hope for is some good conversation as you're figuring it out. As we pan over the busted-open condom machine, its contents littered around it, Patrick and Annie snuggle in bed, and Marin tells us, "Maybe, when you have no words left at all, you're right where you need to be." Back at the stream, Marin's voice-over takes it home: "Sometimes, it's not until you stop talking that things really start." You guys? Seriously? How would Marin know?