Previously on Dead and Married: The Preoperational Stage. The peeps. The scandalous secrets. The white dresses. The tuxes. The rings. The wrist holes. The screens. The chemistry. The lack of chemistry. The SUVs. The Huggy-Boo. The sex. The lack of sex. That which appeared to be the sex, and was only in post-show interviews revealed to be the lack of sex. The schoolgirl. The French maid. The panel. The pain. The Miss P. The pixilated asses. The villas. The horses. The kayaking. The families. The raw meat. The lies of Announcer-Man. The mystery of Egghead's purpose. The merciful end of Matt and Cortez. The uncomfortable end of Jennifer and Xavier. The overdue end of Denise and Stephen. And now, the only question that remains: How much worse can it get? Oh, do you really want to know? Okay. Sit back.
First, we are subjected to lengthy Rehash-O-Vision footage of all the boring things that no one cared about that have happened in the last several weeks while people who might have chosen to watch were getting an early start on their spring cleaning instead. If nothing else, the failure of this show to interest anyone at all anywhere was beneficial for the cleanliness of America's bathrooms, if Fox is taking suggestions. Actually, Bleached By America would be a good follow-up. Anyway, during the rehashing, we do see a few new moments that we didn't see the first time around -- particularly Denise lying in bed with Stephen during one of her self-pity-fests, demanding that he admit that she's "pretty awesome." You know, if she ever locates the universe in which that's the way to get guys to want you desperately and treat you with respect, I hope she'll send me a postcard. But given the distance such a postcard would have to travel from there to the universe in which I live, I'm not sure she could afford the postage. In the end, though, we are reminded that we will be spending this hour with Billie Jeanne and Tony and with Kevin and Jill -- the two terrific couples that have been deemed worthy by our esteemed panel of morons, by virtue of the fact that they got good and naked without delay.
My favorite part of the Rehash-O-Vision, actually, is when the announcer declares that Billie Jeanne's "fearless commitment" challenged Tony's "more conservative values." Hee, Tony's conservative values.
When the interminable reliving of past agony is finally over, the new agony begins. We fade up on the rolling hills of what I guess are the exurbs of Huggy-Boo, and then we see Kevin and Jill -- him biking, her running -- traversing a woodsy road together, looking just like they're posing for the accompanying photograph to a Self magazine article called, "Can Working Out Help You Work It Out?" The captions tell us that this is Day 17, at 8:00 AM, which we are told is "79 Hours Before The Wedding." I'm sorry, 79 hours? Who counts down the last 79 hours before something occurs? Perhaps a condemned prisoner, which I suppose is oddly fitting. Jill, seated in front of a decorative piece of wall and smiling her bland I-lost-thirteen-pounds-in-two-weeks-on-the-MegaSystem smile, tells us that she cannot believe her wedding day is almost here. As she and Kevin continue their workout, we flash back to her engagement on the Preoperational Stage as she admits in a voice-over that she didn't originally envision her engagement taking place on television. I'm not even sure I believe her anymore. I'm beginning to think Jill has a To Die For-like desire to see her entire life played out on television. Kevin interviews that he had a wonderful feeling when he first saw her which he "can't put words to." Hmm, I could have sworn the words were, "Yay! Look, she's got big ones!" Of course, if anyone were going to be unable to put even that simple a feeling into words, it would be Kevin. Kevin and Jill sweat some more. Kevin is wearing a ski hat. And shorts. Because his top half is in Aspen, and his bottom half is in Miami.
At Tony and BJ's, she is bringing out a cushion for one of the pieces of lawn furniture, going as usual for the domestic vibe. She voices over that she thinks "it's meant for [her] to be here." Can you imagine if that were true? If she were actually put on earth for the purpose of being on this show? That would be so much worse than, as the old joke says, finding out that, after all, the hokey-pokey really is what it's all about. She recalls her appearance on the Preoperational Stage, and then, as they lay out in the sun, Tony talks about how impressed he was with Billie Jeanne when they met. He claims to have been "blown away by who she was," whatever that means. He also says he trusts in their feelings for each other. It's funny; Tony uses many words I know, but he seems to use them in a very different way. Also, he's wearing shorts with purple flowers on them. I think I had that shower curtain once.
The morning, the two couples start their day by having breakfast together. They are having a pleasant enough time until Egghead approaches. Jill tells us that she knew something was up, because Egghead always brings news of some sort. Can't get anything past Jill. At this point, he launches into his usual windbag speech about weddings and blah and love and blah and relationships and blah, and as usual he has one piece of information to impart, which today is that they're going to be getting their marriage licenses later. You can almost see Tony's soul crawl out of his body like Patrick Swayze's did in Ghost, only Patrick Swayze's soul didn't run away screaming and waving its arms over its head and yelling, "AAAAAAAAAH!" the way Tony's is doing. I would add that no good can come from Egghead's eggplant-colored jacket and red t-shirt. Feh. Who dresses these people, the Joker's valet? Egghead tells them that it's a time "to do some incredible soul-searching," for which I'm thinking these particular people certainly will not be needing 79 hours, even if they do a very complete inventory. Billie Jeanne claps her hands happily at the news of going to get her marriage license. Oh...Billie Jeanne.
Egghead finally sort of begins to explain what's going to happen at the end of all this, which is that they will walk down the aisle and then announce whether they're going through with the wedding or not. It's a little confusing, because I think he's reading off the napkin on which the producers scribbled their latest notion of the show's concept, which was revised again five minutes before the show. As revised, of course, it's not so much Married By America as it is America Suggests Dating, meaning that even the horrifying gimmick of this show has been diluted to the point where it isn't even good train wreck material anymore. "I'll see you at your wedding," Egghead intones seriously. We see an interview with Billie Jeanne in which she briefly entertains her fears that Tony might say no when they get to the altar. Tony goes on to tell us that he's "very torn" about his decision. He has to make sure that he's doing the right thing for himself, but "more so for Billie Jeanne." Because Tony is all heart.
Kevin, on the other hand, tells us that he wants to marry Jill, and that's his intention. He "hopes she's in it for the same intention." Again with the weird Kevin-isms. Jill doesn't tell us what she's thinking, but she says she has doubts about what Kevin is going to say. Then she whaps the side of her head with her hand to keep her last few thoughts from leaking out her ear. Okay, she didn't do that. And as you will see throughout the episode, she will suffer the consequences.
I've never been so happy to see commercials in all my life as I have been during this show.
When everyone leaves breakfast, Kevin waits behind, because he's been informed that his brother wants to talk to him on the phone. Because of the show's abiding respect for both family dynamics and privacy, Kevin takes the call on the speakerphone with a camera there. On the phone, brother Sean informs Kevin that although he loves him and wants the best for him, he can't be Kevin's best man, because he can't support this ridiculous sham of a wedding. Wow, a flash of sanity -- who knew that was coming? Kevin calls his brother "buddy" a lot, which is Kevin for "My gentle brother, my feelings are wounded to the bone, but I respect your honor and will not attempt to dissuade you from your choice." After they hang up, Kevin lingers outside looking morose before heading back to the house to see Jill. He explains in a completely unnecessary voice-over that it was tough having his brother turn him down. You might have thought that would be adequately conveyed by all the morose lingering, but apparently you would be wrong.
When he gets back to the house, he and Jill open with some of their usual witty banter, to wit: "Whatcha doin'?" "Eatin' an apple." At any rate, he explains the situation to her. In an interview, she says that some of Kevin's family members "aren't so supportive of him," which makes her "hurt for Kevin." What she misses, of course, is that this IS his family being supportive of him. This is probably the most supportive thing his brother could do. At any rate, she also interprets it as a jab at her personally, as she tells us. Because it's all about Jill. Everything! Is about Jill! Kevin assures her that his brother doesn't dislike her, just the situation. Not that I'm thinking his family is wild about Jill, either. I'm certainly not, and she's not even marrying anyone I know, knock wood. Incidentally, throughout this conversation, Kevin is wearing his sunglasses on top of his head, which I hate, but he is at least wearing them right-side up. Given that Kevin was a minor-league baseball player, I think this solves forever any issue regarding whether wearing them upside-down on top of your head is a baseball thing.
Well, we're up to 4:00 PM, which we learn is 71 hours before the wedding. Wow -- I haven't fully done the math, but I think that at this rate, this show won't be over until I am four hundred years old. Billie Jeanne and Tony take off in a red SUV to go get their marriage license. Considering that Egghead told them they'd be getting their licenses "right after breakfast," I'd say breakfast was fairly long. In other news, I remain fascinated by the fact that you can't get a driver's license unless you prove you can drive, but you can get a marriage license without demonstrating anything except a pulse. They get out and walk up to a little chapel, where a lady takes them inside and takes them through the application. When Tony is asked for his job title or what he does for a living, he tells her to put just "sales." Which means he could work at a hardware store, or he could be a hooker. Or both. As she types up the application, Tony interviews, "Every click of the type [sic] is another nail in my coffin." Well, it feels good not to be the only person overwhelmed by the urge to use death metaphors, but on the other hand? Nice attitude, weasel. He is such a bucket of smarm. BJ, meanwhile, kisses him happily. As they raise their hands to swear that the information on the application is accurate, Billie Jeanne wears a serene smile and Tony wears a look of clammy disgust. These are essentially the moods they maintain as they leave the office together to head back to the Huggy-Boo. It's like Billie Jeanne is in the early part of a horror movie before everything goes wrong and people start having their brains sucked out, and Tony is in the late part when the hero is contemplating whether to sacrifice his friends to save himself. By the way, the lady at the chapel has a clock on her wall, and it is nothing like 4:00 or shortly after 4:00. In fact, it looks like it's about 2:10, making it neither "after breakfast" nor "after 4:00." I can't help wondering what the need was to lie about what freaking time of day they went to get their marriage licenses.
Jill and Kevin's trip to the marriage license lady is similar, but with less overt misery. They both look relatively happy, although Jill claims that they were both still distraught over Kevin's brother not being more "accepting" of their relationship. I'm skeptical of this, because I'm really not sure it's possible for Jill to be distracted for any significant period of time by events that don't directly involve her. She also says that after they got the license, the pit of her stomach was "not feeling right at all." When they get back "home," they set about writing their wedding vows. Jill says she wasn't really sure what was supposed to go in a wedding vow (hint: you might if you knew the person you were marrying). She says that her mind wandered. Yeah. I have a feeling that Jill's mind has a certain lack of direction generally, if you get my drift. Kevin has less trouble, and tells us that he tried to make it nice and short so he could remember it. Heh. Jill's pale blue peasant blouse represents the poetic nature of her heart, I suppose. Also, it accentuates her boobs, and we already know she's in favor of that.
At BJ and Tony's, they receive the instructions to work on writing their vows, but BJ says it will be "cake" because she's already thought about what she wants to say. Tony interviews that he will be writing his vows in private so that they will be a "surprise" for Billie Jeanne. Wow, did you catch that foreshadowing? It left a dent on my forehead. And now, Billie Jeanne and Tony begin The Great Chicken Skirmish of 2003. She talks about what they should have for dinner, and points out that they have some chicken. She suggests cooking it with mozzarella cheese, and is wounded by his notable lack of enthusiasm. More to the point, she thinks that it's unfair of him not to realize that she is trying to communicate about the chicken. She wants them to share the decision about the chicken. She wants them to bond about the chicken. The chicken is, like, a metaphor for life decisions. If they can't discuss chicken, how will they decide whether to have children? She tries to move the discussion in a positive direction by bringing up Shake-N-Bake, but he's even more calmly insulting about that, because when she asks him if he likes it, he says patronizingly, "I liked it when I was twelve." Ouch. Asshole. Anyway, he complains in an interview that he finds BJ a little too "malleable," meaning that she tries too hard to please him, which is an all-right thing to complain about if you're not being passive-aggressively demanding, which he is. She explains to him back at the kitchen table that she's trying to think of both of them rather than just herself, but he says something really snotty about how she better start thinking of herself. She interviews that it "gets [her] very frustrated" when he won't discuss important things like poultry preparation with her. Finally, she gets up from the table and stomps off, muttering, "Dumb jerk." You know, they are totally ready to get married.
The Great Chicken Skirmish picks up again later, outside on the lawn furniture, where they are making another effort to drown their incompatibility in UV rays. BJ explains to Tony that she's really wounded because he wasn't cooperating with her efforts to be considerate. I swear, if she were reading from a book called How To Make A Guy Flee As From A Burning Building, she would find a chapter called "Never Let The Chicken Thing Drop, Ever," and it would counsel almost exactly this behavior. She interviews that she wanted to make sure it isn't "about him getting away from the situation." See? It's like she knows, but she doesn't know. She accuses him of "taking everything like it's a joke." She goes inside, lies on her bed, and writes him a letter. Because someday, she wants there to be a record of the chicken incident so they can tell their grandchildren. She goes outside with her bag over her shoulder and hands him the letter, and then she walks off in her usual dramatic fashion. She reads us the letter, and this is what (at least in part) it says: "I tried to talk to you while we were laying out, but you cut off what I was trying to say. You continue to push me away as I try so hard to get closer. I want to do things for you because that's just another way I am able to show you that I care. As we get closer to the day of being married, you have cut yourself off from telling me what's going on with you. It feels like I am alone in the process. My sweet, please talk to me. Just me, Billie." Bleh. "My sweet"? Well, I guess she can't call him "my weasel," like I would advise. She looks sad and weepy as she finishes reading her letter to the camera. Apparently going for some kind of pouty and pained daily constitutional, Billie Jeanne walks down the driveway and off in the direction of...the craft services tent, I guess.
At 7:00 AM of Day 18 -- 56 hours before the wedding -- Tony and BJ are both working out. Tony voices over that they had a little tiff in the kitchen over the chicken (as if we could forget), and he is of the opinion that BJ blew it just slightly out of proportion. He claims to be "very bewildered." He also makes reference to "swirling around in the cyclone that is this wedding." Yay, natural disaster references!
Back at the house later, the pastor comes to pay BJ and Tony a visit. Tony againterviews in the tub that the pastor came to pay them a visit. I have to wonder what the hell kind of pastor would ever get involved in something like this anyway, but I suppose Pastor Matt has expenses, too. PAX isn't free, you know. In the living room, he explains to Tony and BJ that as weddings approach, it's not unusual to have lots of feelings roaring up on you. A shot of Tony makes a not-so-subtle appearance over the words "doubt and second-guessing." Billie Jeanne obliviously interviews that "being with the minister gave Tony a lot more comfort and security." I guess that works if you substitute "paranoia and guilt" for "comfort and security." And really, who among us hasn't done that? Tony tells the pastor he's worried that their relationship won't survive outside of what he continually calls "the extraordinary circumstances," because it's probably in his contract that he's not supposed to say "this ridiculous situation." He interviews that he's had friends who've had unsuccessful marriages and been unfaithful, so he doesn't want to do anything unless he's "completely sure." Once again, I feel driven to wonder why, if he feels that way, he came on the damn show in the first place. Also, I am distracted by the fact that he has yet another pair of flowered shorts on. He claims he doesn't want to be in the marriage for a year or two and then "hurt her even more." Billie Jeanne explains to Pastor Matt that she's a little bit frustrated by Tony's doubts, but she's sure it will work. Pastor Matt tells them that marriage is not an end, but a beginning. "As you said," he goes on, "it's extraordinary circumstances, but weddings are extraordinary." So he's actually providing...reassurance? Isn't that, like, religious malpractice or something? Mercy. Billie Jeanne interviews that after this meeting, she is "a little scared, but ready to go." Yeah. I think Tony's ready to go, too -- leaving a little puff of smoke and a Tony-shaped hole in the wall. Pastor Matt leaves. Billie Jeanne interviews that she's looking forward to when she and Tony can "share even more intimate levels of being together." I know what all those words mean, but I'm not sure I know what she means when they're all strung together like that. If she hadn't already had sex with him, I would certainly know what it means, but under these circumstances, I don't.
That night at 9:00 PM -- 42 hours before the wedding -- Jill and Kevin are having a chat over dinner. Jill asks him who's going to be his best man, now that his brother has decided that sham marriages aren't something he wants to participate in. She tells us in an interview -- in which she is highly snotting it up -- that she just thinks it's terrible that Kevin's brother won't be his best man, because you owe it to your family members to be supportive of them, and "supportive" would mean coming to the wedding and showing up. Right. And if your brother wants to shoot himself in the foot, "supportive" is holding the gun steady for him, right? Shut up, Jill. Jill insists to Kevin at the table that his family obviously doesn't want him to get married, but Kevin assures her that if he accepts her and is happy, his family is all going to come around. Oh, and he calls her "sweetie" again, so now he's lost Scary Anthony's vote. Heh. Speaking of which, Kevin tries to defend his family to Jill by pointing out that Scary Anthony didn't exactly welcome him to the fold with open arms at first. Jill lectures in return that she warned him her father wasn't easy, so it's up to Kevin to be "tough" and not let it bother him. But it's still up to Kevin, I guess, to make his family be more supportive of the marriage or something. I don't know. Again, it occurs to me that of all these people, I like Jill the least.
Back at BJ and Tony's, they are enjoying what appears to be a peaceful post-pastor dinner. She tells him in her sweet little-girl voice that she was really upset that the panel asked her whether she loved him the other night, because it "took the words away" from her so she couldn't surprise him on her wedding day. "But I wanted to tell you," she says, looking at him earnestly, "that I love you." He looks vaguely ill, as usual. She tells him that she's not asking him to tell her he loves her back (even though she totally is). She says that she realizes she wears her heart on her sleeve, but then insists that, in fact, she fights off her feelings, which I guess means that if she weren't showing so much restraint, she would have married him against his will on the day they met. "I want you to trust me," she says, essentially telling him that he should ignore his doubts and marry her because she's sure it will all be fine. She doesn't realize, I guess, that her certainty and determination to go forward is not exactly a selling point for him right now. She interviews about how brave it was of her to tell him she loved him, and to prove her point, she tells him she loves him again. "I'm not in love with you," he tells her plainly, to which she gives a knowing nod, saying, "I know that," as if she doesn't mind. "It pains me that I can't return your feelings right now," he says. She assures him that it doesn't matter, that it will all work out, and that he needs to not worry. She has adopted a tone of what I think she believes to be reassuring placidity, which I think reads as a ridiculous level of denial, not to mention a complete failure to grasp what he's actually telling her. She continues to believe that his issue is that he really does love her, and he's just afraid to let himself love her. The fire in the fireplace gives me the strange and fleeting thought that being inside the fireplace, roasting slowly like a ham, would probably be more comfortable than being in their conversation.
Jill and Kevin are finishing dinner when a big silver dome is delivered to their table. Jill acts like it was the funniest and most unexpected thing in the world when, instead of dessert, the dome was full of -- an invitation! Can you believe that? Stunning, the originality of having something other than food hidden under the silver dome brought to the dinner table. I've never seen that done anywhere except, you know, Bugs Bunny cartoons. The invitation tells the couples (we see BJ and Tony get theirs, too) that they are to be separated from now until the wedding -- the guys have to leave now so that there's no chance that they'll discuss what they're going to do at the wedding and ruin the surprise. In fact, I halfway suspect that they specifically ran the guys out of the house in response to their fear that Tony was about to do something crazy like taking BJ off the hook by telling her he wasn't going to marry her. BJ watches miserably as Tony packs. Oh, the humanity! Kevin says that it was very hard to say goodbye to Jill. "I don't like saying goodbye," he says. "Never have." Yeah. Even as a child, he always cried when his mom dropped him off. Probably through about eighth grade, I'm thinking. Tony takes about three hours to say that he and Billie Jeanne are used to having each other around, so being without her will seem "weird."
The SUVs take the men off into the night. Billie Jeanne stands at the door and sobs. Oh, for God's sake.
At 8:00 AM on Day 19 -- 31 hours before the wedding -- Billie Jeanne is feeding the horses. I'm sure it's a metaphor for something, but I'm really too tired to interpret it at this point. Unsurprisingly, she poses for various melodramatic camera angles in which the sun judgmentally glares over her shoulder, and she tells us that she misses Tony and can't wait to be with him again. She actually says that Tony will "grow to love her" if he can "let go." I swear, it's like she's reading from dysfunctional Mad Libs or something. Tony, meanwhile, looks at the ocean in an equally picturesque manner, and you know that he must be really emotionally wrung out, because he hasn't shaved. You have to learn to read between the oh-so-subtle lines, people. He tells us that his feelings for Billie Jeanne are "still evolving." Yeah. From "lust" to "wary affection" to "stark terror of the kind that causes one to sit bolt upright in bed, soaked in one's own sweat." He is also taking his deeply meaningful walk on the beach wearing sneakers and shorts, and I really think you can't suffer fully unless you're barefoot with your pantlegs rolled up. Just saying. Oh, and he throws the BJ-likers a bone by saying, "It's difficult to be away from her."
Continuing our metaphor of the ocean representing discomfort and uncertainty, Jill sits on some rocks and stares at the water, looking for all the world like the dimwitted model she is, and tells us that she's scared and happy and something something and really, seriously, no one cares. She says she knows that if by chance Kevin says no at the altar, it will only be because he's valuing his friends' and family's opinions over his feelings for Jill. Kevin, in turn, says again that it upset him that his brother wouldn't be his best man, and that he's never gotten this close to getting married or being in love before. Wow, those sentiments are almost as riveting as they were the first and second times I heard them, which seems like it was fairly recently. They must be afraid I forgot.
At 3:00 that afternoon -- 24 hours before the wedding, eeeee! -- Scary Anthony and Mama Nic arrive at Jill's place. She hugs them excitedly. As she brings them into the house, Scary Anthony scolds that she had been "getting a little chunky" before, but allows that now she's "lost it again." And then Scary Anthony ripples the pecs of his magnificent athlete's body. Oh, no. I'm sorry. He doesn't. He does, however, talk to the camera about how he isn't really in favor of what Jill's doing, but he wants to make her happy, so he's trying to be nice. Mama Nic, on the other hand, tells us that she thinks Jill is ready for marriage and Kevin is "the one" for her. Makes sense, I guess, considering that it wouldn't occur to Mama Nic that Kevin is actually too good for Jill, which is my personal opinion. Jill sits down with her folks and relates a dream she had in which her wedding dress was a Christmas dress, complete with bells on the headpiece. Make your own "ding-a-ling" joke here.
Over at BJ and Tony's, a harp plays as the ubiquitous knock on the door comes along yet again. To the surprise of no one, it is Duane and Paige. Because no one ever knocks on Billie Jeanne's door except Duane and Paige. I swear, I have got to get me one of those Billie Jeanne haircuts where she can go all Farrah Fawcett with the feathering whenever she wants. I think that's kinda hip. She explains to them that she feels great, and doesn't feel worried at all. Duane smiles lovingly at her while noting that she doesn't look worried -- "You look happy," he says, with what I read as cautious optimism. She yells with happiness some more, trying not to dislodge her wildly overapplied lip gloss.
Tony, meanwhile, greets the arriving tag team of Bender and Tony's dad. Bender says to the camera that he feels "a responsibility" as best man to tell Tony whether the wedding is a good idea. This show is seriously going to hit a snag if the best men don't all stop taking their responsibilities so seriously. He tells Tony basically that he's a little unnerved on his behalf over the whole situation. Bender brings up that perhaps when you don't feel ready to tell the girl you love her yet, you might not be ready to marry her. Tony says that "the basis is there." So I guess he's pretty much adopting Billie Jeanne's theory that he might grow to love her. They knock fists, because that's what guys do instead of crying and hugging and jumping up and down.
Jill's sister arrives, just as Jill is preparing for her dress fitting. Hug, hug, blah dee blah. Jill tries on her dress, and Scary Anthony tells us that she "took [his] breath away." Aww, it's so sweet when a girl stops being too "chunky" to take her father's breath away. Mama Nic says Jill looked like a princess. Jill, never shy about admiring herself, admires herself openly in the mirror and says, "I think it's beautiful." And by "it," she means "me."
Elsewhere, Kevin is looking for a substitute best man, and winds up asking his visiting friend Robert. Kevin does this by dropping to one knee and asking the guy to be his best man, and then they both laugh. I have a feeling that in other circumstances, I might find Kevin to be a pretty good guy. Not terrifically articulate, but a pretty good guy.
A bee buzzes around some flowers. Okay, we've now had cyclones and killer bees...bring on the locust references.
Billie Jeanne and Paige hold hands and take a walk. They discuss the scenery, but then they sit down for a minute, and Paige, like the rest of the killjoy friends and relatives, says she feels like it's her responsibility to tell BJ about some of her concerns about this whole thing. Paige talks about how this is marriage, and it's the rest of Billie Jeanne's life and so forth. Billie Jeanne, not really responding to Paige's precise set of concerns, assures Paige that if Tony weren't going to go through with it, he would have warned her, because he wouldn't dump her in the middle of the whole wedding thing. Billie Jeanne interviews about how it just keeps hitting her that she's about to get married. I think it's safe to say that when it comes to getting "hit," Billie Jeanne hasn't seen anything yet.
Nineteen hours before the wedding, Tony sits around with his boys. He tells them that he's very secure about BJ as a person, and about her feelings for him. He then interviews that he's been very close and bonded with several women, but it's never been as good as it is with Billie Jeanne. Whom he's already told us he doesn't love. Goodness, where is the boy going with this? And will it be over soon?
Back at BJ's house, Duane and Paige return, this time with Billie Jeanne's sister and nieces in tow. Wow, nothing like introducing a couple of little kids into this equation to make everyone feel a little viler. She tells us that holding her nieces made it all so much more real, knowing that in the future, she will have kids of her own. She and her friends and family share a toast. Fortunately, it doesn't look like the children are drinking -- not that I think anyone at Fox would object if they were. BJ says that she used to feel like she had no family, but now she realizes that all these peeps are her family. "I've got a family, and I've got a man, and I've got the world," she says, and everyone drinks. Including me. I tell you, there's barely enough tequila in the world to get me through this thing. And keep in mind, there's a lot of tequila in the world.
Tony goes off to take a walk, and one of Tony's friends asks his dad and Bender how they're feeling about Tony's situation. One of Tony's friends says something about "whether or not Billie Jeanne's a good enough woman to marry..." Bender endears himself to me by saying in a quiet "shut up, asshole" fashion, without taking his eyes off the food he's cutting, "I think she's a good enough woman." He goes on to tell the gathered peeps that he thinks Tony will say yes. Another of the friends opines that he can "see it in [Tony's] eyes" that he's going to say no, but Bender continues to have faith. "I actually believe," he says, as he goes back to his food, "that she is as good of a match for Tony as he's ever had in his life." Weirdly, there's a sense in which I agree with him, although I think Billie Jeanne isn't going to be much of a match for anyone unless she lets go of a few more of her neuroses.
Over at Jill's, yet another knock on the door brings her family, which is coming over to have dinner. Jill is in a gauzy dress that's supposed to make her look romantic or something. I don't know. I'm not sure what the point is of having dinner with your family if you have to wear an uncomfortable dress like that. Isn't the whole point of family that you can look like a schlub in front of them? Scary Anthony offers a toast that includes the powerful and emotional blessing, "If this is the way it's going to be, so be it." Wow. Don't choke on your overwhelming enthusiasm, there.
Kevin's family shows up at last, including his grandma, whom he tells that she's pretty. Aw. See, I told you he was a good guy. Over dinner, the family returns to the not-that-interesting debate about Jill and Playboy. Meanwhile, at the Nic family dinner, Jill is whining about how she felt like Kevin's family wanted her to be "Miss Prissy Proper," which I guess is what it means when you don't think a person who's married should pose naked in a magazine if it's going to upset her husband. Hey, by that definition, I'm Miss Prissy Proper! Score! She goes on to say that before his family showed up, Kevin thought that the Playboy pictures were fine and beautiful, but when his family showed up, he changed his mind. It's remarkable how she continues to miss the line that Kevin was drawing between not being offended that she once posed for Playboy on one hand, and taking the position that after they're married, he'd rather she wouldn't do it again on the other hand.
Back at Kevin's, he interviews that his family is just trying to make sure that Jill is the right woman for him before they take her into their family. One of Kevin's peeps makes the point that Kevin really shouldn't go through with this unless he's entirely sure that he loves Jill and that the marriage will last forever. Bunky (Kevin's mom) psychoanalyzes that maybe Jill didn't get enough attention "growing up in the family she did" (ouch) or didn't get "the love that we have in this family" (double ouch), so she might not be able to love him as much as he would love her. Not that Kevin's mom is being a stuck-up, self-righteous snob or anything.
Jill's family, on the other hand, is just generally trash-talking Kevin, and Jill is pretty much joining in, not objecting to the characterization of her fiancé as a "mama's boy," for instance. Man, with every passing moment I dislike these people a little bit more. Finally, Jill's family leaves, Kevin's family leaves, and this unhappy event takes another step toward completion. As he tosses and turns in bed later, Kevin says that he "knows it's going to turn out the way it's supposed to." Elsewhere, Jill reads in bed and talks about how she misses Kevin. Finally, she turns out the light.
The sun comes up and -- hey -- it's the day of the wedding! Man, I thought we would never get here. It's four hours before the ceremony. Jill gets zipped into her dress and has her necklace put on. When her parents arrive, they act shocked, as if they hadn't just seen her in the dress yesterday. "Oh, Jill, oh my gosh," Scary Anthony says helpfully.
As Kevin gets dressed, he explains that he'd love to be able to talk to Jill and tell her where he stands. We can't have that, of course, because it would interfere with the drama. He looks happy and excited as he gets all tuxed up. He tells us that he "hopes [he] can keep [his] composure" when he sees Jill in her dress.
Duane watches the preparation of Billie Jeanne. He is teary, of course. "Everything's going your way," Duane remarks. "I hope nothing bad happens," Billie Jeanne says in response. Wow, it's raining anvils. Duck!
Tony puts his tie on. He tells us that he has made his decision, but it's always possible that at the last minute, he will change his mind.
Billie Jeanne squeals in delight as she is loaded into her dress. There's some kind of very complex ribbon lacing on the back, which someone is kind enough to work on for her. I've always been very wary of those Houdini dresses, but it does seem appropriate to include vague escape artist imagery.
The unwelcome Egghead makes another appearance. Or, rather, series of appearances. Basically, he goes around and knocks on each person's door and reminds them that they'll walk down the aisle, and then they'll say either "I do" or "I don't." Except that it takes him about ten minutes to say this. The "highlight" is when Billie Jeanne tells him this is the happiest day of her life. "Is this the storybook ending?" he enables. She tells him that it is. "I've got everything that I never thought I'd have," she blathers blissfully. Oh, and the other highlight is that Egghead calls Jill "sweetie," which means Scary Anthony will be waiting with a heavy bat at the end of the show. And that's certainly good news.
Thirty minutes before the ceremony, Jill emerges from her villa and gets in the car. Jill talks about being nervous and scared. Kevin drinks something. He discusses how he had "an open heart and an open mind." He says that he loves everything about Jill. Yuck. There's basically just a lot more yappety-flap about wishing they had more time and wondering what they'll do and the big decision and MAN, I can't believe they stretched this into two hours. As Billie Jeanne is led to her carriage by Duane, he singsongs, "A beautiful day for a wed-ding!" Shut up, Duane. The world doesn't even need one JoAnne Worley, let alone two. Moreover, couldn't he at least have worn a different do-rag? Something fancy? Like, with a little bow tie on it, or some rhinestones? (My friend The Professor, not knowing this was Duane's usual scarf, actually commented, "I'm glad he put on his formal hoopie-hat for this occasion.") As she and Duane take off for the ceremony, Billie Jeanne says, "This has gotta be my dream come true, I swear to God." God sends down a note that says, "Please don't drag Me into this." In his limo on the way to the ceremony, Tony interviews that he and Billie Jeanne have been completely open with each other, which is downright bizarre, given that she has absolutely no concept of how he feels at all. "I think my happy ending is here," Billie Jeanne interviews. And then she looks into the camera and says, "God, Tony, you make me so happy." Tony tells us that he's never met anyone like Billie Jeanne before. "It's like she's standing before me with her hands out, and she's offering her love to me."
The music goes, "Blat! Blat! Blat! Blat!" And then it is, mercifully, time for another commercial. Oh, sweet advertising.
Animals frolic on the Huggy-Boo grounds. I seriously cannot figure out the relevance of that to anything, but believe me, I am not hallucinating. If I were hallucinating, I would come up with something better than happy deer. "JILL & KEVIN'S WEDDING," says the caption as we swoop in on an outdoor aisle-and-chairs setup with an improvised altar at the front. And up at the front is the pastor, of course, and Egghead, of course. I'm actually planning on having him there at my wedding, too, because it's a bad idea to get married without your announcer. I find it particularly funny that while Kevin's boring-ass parents walk down the aisle together, a little bug for Mr. Personality comes up and rests down in the corner of the screen, right over Kevin's father's breast pocket. Heh. The rest of the peeps come down the aisle, concluding with Kevin's best man -- or second-best man, I guess -- and Jill's sister, who's in an ice-blue bridesmaid's dress of exactly the type bridesmaids have nightmares about wearing. Kevin enters to the weirdly Celtic background music, and takes his place beside the pastor. He looks very happy. Jill's carriage pulls up at the back of the ceremony, and Scary Anthony gives her a kiss. She clambers out. A little boy and two little girls, whom we can only hope are learning nothing from this experience, come down the aisle . Everyone stands up, because Jill is about to do the marching thing. Jill appears. Everyone stares. Jill gets to walk down the aisle to some extremely nondescript background music. The hell? She grins at Kevin. Scary Anthony completes the handoff, and Jill and Kevin stand up in front of the pastor. Bunky actually puts her head on Kevin's father's chest in despair.
The pastor does his we-are-gathered-here-today thing, and says a lot of unintentionally ironic things about how important and serious marriage really is. He tells them that it's time for them to recite their vows. Jill kicks things off by talking about how even though they met under "unusual circumstances," she's never been so close to anyone so soon, and how the weeks they've known each other feel like years. She talks about faith and strength and blah dee blah. She says "I vow to be true, kind, patient, and understanding." Talkety-talk-talk. Kevin's turn for his vows. He says that he's honored to be with her, and praises their "trust and communication." He also says "y'know" a few times, which is a good thing to throw into your wedding vows. Now the pastor gets to the bottom line. "Do you, Jill, take this man, Kevin, to be your lawful wedded husband?" The peeps look on anxiously.
Commercials, of course.
When we come back, the pastor repeats the question. Nice touch. Jill says that Kevin is amazing, and she enjoys being with him. It takes him a minute to even process her answer, which is something about how a marriage is for once in a lifetime, and that's why "this maybe shouldn't be the way it should be for now." It means "no," but she takes another minute to actually get to "I don't." Kevin looks gobsmacked, but his mother is grinning. Kevin goes on to tell Jill that he really thinks it would work, even outside of the weird circumstances. He praises her by saying, "Look at you -- there's so much there," which causes her to smirk smugly in a way that just makes me absolutely despise her even more than I already did. She tells him that she's scared to rush into marriage, which again makes me wonder why the hell she came on this show in the first place. But whatever. They hug. I'm sorry, what? All the peeps are smiling and looking moved, but that entire encounter basically had zero emotional heft. Basically, the peeps are overwhelmingly relieved, with the only sad one being Mama Nic, who I think recognized that Kevin was as good a guy as Jill is ever going to meet who won't blow her off as the shallow dimwit that she is, and who therefore hoped Jill wouldn't fuck it up. Which she did. I also love the part where Kevin's mother looks into the camera and explains that their not getting married was "the best thing for both families." For God's sake. Get thee to a therapist, Mama Montague, because you don't analyze getting married or not by what's best for "both families." She seriously needs to unclench herself from around Kevin's neck -- it's no wonder she's got the guy tied into such knots. Kevin's dad goes on to say that he was very relieved when Jill said no. He says he doesn't know if it actually makes him like Jill more, but it makes him respect her more. I don't even know what the fuck that means or why respecting her more wouldn't translate into liking her more, but I am seriously beyond caring at this point.
Scary Anthony says that he, too, was "so relieved" that they didn't get married, because that's what he wanted from the beginning. When, you will recall, he voluntarily participated in picking out guys for Jill.
Later, Kevin and Robert have a debriefing in one of their rooms. Kevin is clearly very sad. "She looked so beautiful," he says. "Everything comes and...happens for a reason, my friend," Robert says. He and Kevin really do think alike, in terms of the random combinations of words that sort of vaguely eventually get the point across. As they split a bottle of wine, Kevin interviews that he and Jill had a lot in common, and had a lot of chemistry, but he never really felt that she was totally committed. And it turned out he was right. He leaves the door open to the possibility that it "might work in the future," but just didn't work right now.
Jill interviews that when she went up to the altar, she wasn't sure what she was going to do, but in the end, she decided she couldn't marry Kevin. Unsurprisingly, she blames Kevin's family, as she always does, for their lack of support. She also admits, though, that the fact that he doesn't have adequate "direction" concerns her. What I don't understand about this whole "direction" thing is that it's not like he's been a slacker since high school -- from what we've been able to figure out, Kevin had a pretty serious baseball career until three or four years ago, so it's not like the guy doesn't know what it means to be driven. He's just between careers, it seems to me. Anyway, I seriously hope Jill winds up married to a stockbroker who gets busted for SEC violations, gets fired, and goes broke, because she sucks and would deserve it. I detest her. She dresses the whole thing up as "he needs to find himself first," but her issue is clearly that she thinks she's too good for him. It's a perfect example of a woman who's gotten a little too much of the princess treatment and has begun to believe it. Go away, Jill, and shut up.
Oh, look. Time for "BILLIE JEANNE & TONY'S WEDDING." I think I've moved from needing tequila to needing Novocain. Various peeps enter and are led down the aisle. Bender and Paige look kind of nice together, actually. Tony walks in and takes his place. Billie Jeanne's carriage rolls up, and what is she doing? Oh, she's yelling, "Woooo!" She is bubbling over with happiness, cackle-laughing and grinning. Two little flower girls make their way down the aisle.
Enter Billie Jeanne, on the arm of Crying Duane. Her peeps look on joyfully. I think Tony's guys are still making side wagers on what he's going to do. At the altar, Crying Duane pulls back her veil and gives her a little kiss, and then it is upon her. She mouths to Tony that she loves him. Feh. The pastor talks for a while, yappety-flap. He talks about God, Who again is undoubtedly unhappy to be dragged into this. Time for the vows.
Billie Jeanne calls him "her beautiful bird." There are flying metaphors. She wants them to be together forever, and she promises him her heart, and she promises to make them happy together forever. Crying Duane cries. A lot. Tony's vows are . He tells her she's "so amazing." He's all teary, and praises her "ability to love." He says that he is "ask[ing] her to continue on this journey." What a fake-out.
Will she take him to be her husband? I think we know she's saying yes, but let's see a commercial first.
When we return, the minister repeats the question, and BJ says, "I do." Now, time to ask Tony. Does he pledge his faith and so forth? He looks at her, and she grins. He says that they've been honest so far, and that he knows she could love enough for both of them, but she deserves to be with somebody who loves her as much as she loves him, so he's not marrying her. He says he's sorry. She looks stunned. She opens her mouth, but nothing comes out at first. Her sister, in the audience, is crying. Finally, Billie Jeanne says, "Um," and looks at the ground. "Um, I...I have to go." She turns and goes back up the aisle, followed by Crying Duane, who yells in a diva-like fashion, "What a loser!" BJ asks him to shut up, but he yells it again. BJ's friends run to check on her. Her sister cries. "How dare he?" Crying Duane demands on his way up the stairs. BJ continues to ask him to knock it off, but it doesn't slow him down at all, which is how you can tell this isn't about how much he cares about Billie Jeanne, unfortunately. She does seem to have a way of gravitating toward people who are never going to be any good at caring about her. Billie Jeanne eventually winds up crawling into a closet and huddling on the floor, where she begins to sob. She is comforted by Paige, who crawls in with her. Eventually, BJ's sister comes in, too. She is also sobbing, "Billie? Billie, where are you?" The sister crawls into the closet with BJ and Paige, and she's still carrying her kid. Nice. They all commiserate in the closet, while out in the room with the rest of the peeps, Crying Duane says, "He's gonna fry in hell for this." He's going for an ominous tone, but he really doesn't have it in him.
Outside, Tony's very relieved father is telling him that he "did the honest thing." Man, I hate it when people do that -- tell you you did the right thing just because you did what they wanted you to do. Bleh. Shut up, Tony's dad. Tony actually does look like he feels like crap, which is understandable. Bender, too, tells him that he did the right thing, but Tony points out that it doesn't feel like he did. "I should've just gone along with it, I guess." Boy, there's a good example of learning the wrong lesson from a teaching moment. Bender knows this, and points out that it was either hurt her now or "completely crush her in six months." Tony says that he might have fallen in love with her, but Bender says it's not like he could possibly know that.
Back in the closet of Billie Jeanne's suffering, her peeps have opened the doors so that she's just kind of sitting in the back of her closet. She's crying and crying and crying, still clutching her bouquet. "He came here for something else; he didn't come here to get married," she blubbers miserably. ["What else would he have come for? The happy deer?" -- Sars]
Outside, Tony's father tells him that he doesn't think BJ would have wanted Tony to go through with it if he wasn't sure. Oh, how little Tony's father knows our Billie Jeanne.
Back in the closet, Billie Jeanne has stopped sobbing, and is now just slumped against the closet wall, staring down at her hands. "I'm a joke," she says, stunned.
Outside, Crying Duane debates with Tony's peeps his conviction that if that was what Tony was going to do, he should have warned Billie Jeanne. I'm inclined to agree, I guess, but Duane seems to be forgetting that they were unexpectedly separated for the last two days, and it may well be that Tony would have warned her if that hadn't happened. One of Billie Jeanne's friends says, "A real man would have told her ahead of time, and would have let her be the one to say no." An interesting analysis, but again, one that fails to take into account the fact that he didn't see her for the last two days. Crying Duane is so angry that he flings his beer bottle, but he manages to do so in a way that pours beer all over his own back during the windup. It's a very funny little moment in a very dark hour.
Billie Jeanne comes back downstairs, still in her gown and veil, and Bender encourages Tony to go talk to her. (Or a producer encourages Bender to encourage Tony to go talk to her, or something.) When they meet up, she tells him quietly, "I can't believe you did that in front of my friends...you made me be a jerk." He puts his hand on the back of her neck and assures her that he's the jerk, and not to worry. She questions him as to whether he really came to meet someone, and he tells her he did. "And I found you," he says. He tells her that he tried to be straight with her about how he felt, and he had thought he could go through with it, but in the end, he couldn't. "You don't think you could love me?" she says. He tells her that he thinks she's great, and he doesn't know why he doesn't have those feelings about her. He tells her he didn't want to marry her now and hurt her in six months (borrowing from Bender a few minutes ago), and then he apologizes again and gets quite teared up, dabbing at his face with his handkerchief. She laments to him that she came here and "let [him] in," and he responded by crushing her. Well...yes, dear. That's what "let you in" means. It means "your foot is on my throat; please step carefully." He tells her that he doesn't want to stop seeing her -- he wants her to come to L.A. and they can see how it goes. "I don't care about this money, I don't care about any of that," he says softly. "I just wanted to make sure I was doing what was right." She looks miserable. She hugs him, but into his shoulder, she says, "I don't think I can see you anymore." She says that she'd never be able to trust him in the future, because he "threw it away." He insists that he didn't mean to throw her away. In an interview, he says that he feels bad -- he was in his tux on his wedding day and hurt BJ, and that's not anything he intended. You'd hope someone, somewhere, is taking notes on the possibility that there are things in the world that you, as a television network, should not fuck around with, but somehow, I'm not sure the odds are with us.
BJ says that her heart is numb. She breaks down again in the interview, and then, in his interview, Tony snorfles that he can't imagine feeling much worse than he does. He repeats that he should have just gone through with it. In her interview, she says that, this morning, she thought all her dreams would come true. She cries and cries, and we get to see some stretchy saliva strands in her mouth, which is nice. She says she felt "so alive and so happy" before, so I guess now she's dead inside. She breaks down in tears.
And now, it's time for us to all learn a valuable lesson. Egghead tells us that the couples had an instant connection, but recaps the fact that, in the end, nobody got married, making this the stupidest and most pointless show of all time. (That last part is silent, though.) He explains that the audience that voted last week picked Jill and Kevin, as it turned out, so they would have gotten the prize had they gotten married. But they didn't. So the prize will go unclaimed. Egghead lectures us about how perhaps the couples learned something meaningful. Yeah. Good luck with that future career in turd-polishing, Egghead.
The necessary updates tell us what has happened to everyone since leaving the Huggy-Boo. Matt and Cortez aren't friends. Jennifer and Xavier have "no desire" to see each other. Heh. Denise and Stephen traveled home to New York together, and she cried the entire time. Double heh. Denise thinks that she and Stephen could be friends, but "the ball is in his court." He has "no interest in seeing Denise romantically." BJ and Tony "have kept in touch and may try to continue dating." Tony is thinking about visiting her in New York. Kevin and Jill decided "in the emotional aftermath of their wedding" to remain engaged. Kevin is going to move to New York in May. "They have no plans to move in together...yet."
And with that, this show is mercifully, finally, blessedly over. It's tempting to try to make some sense of all of it -- to ruminate about how ridiculous it is to lump shows like this in with shows like American Idol and Survivor under the umbrella term "reality television," or to weigh the agony of watching this insulting and revolting spectacle against the possibly positive implications of the fact that, in the end, no one actually got married in this ridiculous fashion. Paragraphs could be written about what we have learned about chemistry (considering that the couples' relationships played out just about as it seemed they would fifteen seconds after they met) or what we have learned about American attitudes toward marriage. But that would mean devoting additional brain waves to something so offensive, emotionally abusive, and morally bankrupt that even a viewing public inundated with endless early-spring reruns could not bring itself to tune in. After all, sometimes you don't even know there is a line until you realize there's something that's on the other side of it.