You know, it occurs to me that a lot of these shows now are just really subparts of one big show called What Crazy-Ass Shit Will You Do To Get On Television?. And then people come up and stand around like it's an auction. "I'll eat rats!" "I'll drink cow's blood!" "I'll let you film me in the bathroom!" "I'll date an arrogant prick at the same time as, like, ten other girls!" "I'll wear ugly white fur outfits in the frozen tundra!" "I'll have threesomes!" "I'll pretend to have money when I don't!" "I'll sit on ice until my ass is literally frostbitten!" "I'll eat pig testicles!" Anyway, welcome to the show that resulted when five people elbowed their way up to the podium and yelled, "I'll let the same fickle public who made a star out of Carson Daly choose my life mate!"
For no particular reason, we swoop in on a nightscape of Los Angeles. Perhaps they want you to gaze out over all the twinkling and imagine how many desperate famewhores it takes to screw in a light bulb. (Hint: Based on this show? A lot.) The announcer says that we are about to experience "the most controversial relationship experiment ever tried on television." Aside, of course, from that time Frasier and Niles made out. (Admit it: you don't watch it anymore either; you have no idea whether that's true.) I have to say, he's a very intimidating announcer. He's Announcer-Man! I imagine him swooping in with a big A on his chest. Preferably to transport me to somewhere on earth where this show is not being broadcast. At any rate, Announcer-Man tells us that we will put two people together, and "they will commit to marriage, sight unseen." Except that by "commit to marriage," he means "agree to hang out." According to Announcer-Man, this will test whether arranged marriages can really work. I guess so, in the same way Spongebob SquarePants tests the finer points of kitchen cleaning.
Now we are inside a big, cheesy auditorium that looks like the biggest venue in Omaha, Nebraska, all decked out for when Cher came to town. Here's our host, Sean Valentine. (America: "Who?") Yeah, "Valentine." Isn't that ironic? Isn't that the coolest/ It couldn't be better unless his name were Sean Soulmate. Or Sean Destiny. (Actually, "Sean Destiny" would be a great name for a boy band singer. I'm writing that down.) Sean claps for himself a little bit on stage, and then he...yeesh, where did they find this Sean Valentine, anyway? I'm here to tell you, he's related to someone. I don't know who, and I don't know where, but he is related to someone. He's apparently made of balsa wood, and his face is too small for his head. Sean goes through an agonizingly long explanation of what Trista would call "this process," which is basically that they have five single people waiting. Each of them will be given a little bunch of potential mates, and their family and friends will whittle it down to two apiece. Then the same people who voted for Corey Clark last week -- that would be Us, in the grand sense of the word -- will decide the final couples. Then we'll watch those couples for a few weeks, and then they'll either get married or they won't. Whee, scandalous! I mean, technically, they're supposed to be "engaged" while this is going on, but it seems like they'll basically just be dating.
So it's not that offensive, right? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Right. No, you missed the twist. If they get married, they get a car. And they get $100,000. And if they stay married (what that means is not specified), they get a house. Boy, this is going to bring a whole new meaning to a kid sitting down and saying, "Dad, what made you want to marry Mom?" "Well, son, she was kind and caring. And they offered me a sweet cherry-red Ferrari."
So basically, it's like a pageant. Crossed with The Bachelor. Crossed with prostitution, extortion, bribery, and much of the book of Revelation.
Our first single-and-ready-to-mingle is Jill, who looks kind of like a horse would look if you overplucked its eyebrows. We see her at home, showing off her bedroom, and then we see her in an interview, looking really, really surprised. Jill, you see, has a very unfortunate thing going on where her eyes look like they're pinned open with toothpicks, plus her eyebrows are severely overplucked and weirdly curved, so believe me when I tell you? She looks surprised. Pretty much always. She begins by telling us that men are intimidated by her, which she attributes to her beauty and I attribute to...well, have I mentioned her weird-ass eyebrows? Jill's mother appears , and -- wow, who knew you could inherit overplucked eyebrows, for God's sake? You can't inherit that kind of characteristic! Does Darwin know about this? Jill's mom, Michelle, tells us that Jill wants to be known as more than just a pretty face. What else she wants to be is not specified. As it turns out, it looks like she's some kind of decorative sports broadcast cupcake. For some reason, explaining to us that men find it difficult to accept her career requires Jill to use both fists. Whatever, Jill. Then we see her sitting with her family and friends, asking them what kind of guy they think she needs. One of them says there's no one for her, and even her dad says she's too selfish to date. And then, like all girls who are selfish and needy, Jill explains that when she starts to fall in love, she backs off out of fear of getting hurt. I'm sorry, is there anyone left who doesn't claim to do that? If Pepe Le Pew cartoons were made now, he would tell the cat that he backs off out of fear of getting hurt. She says she wants someone. The operative word being "someone." As in, "anyone." As Jill's profile ends, the audience applauds her like a beauty contestant as she walks down to meet Sean. Sean asks her how it's possible that a girl who's into sports can't meet a guy. Oh, I don't know, Sean, because she's a ninny? She says it's hard to meet anybody, blah blah blah, and says she's "career-orientated." Her sleeves are coming to get you.
Our single is Stephen, who I actually think is a little bit cute until he opens his mouth. Oh, and until I have to watch him spike his hair in the mirror. Ew. He talks about how he wants to meet someone, and how he's really just a tortured soul, and how he used to be a vampire and now he's just seeking redemption. Or, you know, something. He also talks about hanging out with his guy friends and turning into a "horndog." Alert the media. And then he calls being a horndog "empty and meaningless." Which is why, of course, he turned to public electronic voting as a way to introduce depth into the dating process. I mean, he doesn't say that, but it's implied. He tells us he's "a hopeless romantic." Which means, "I am making an effort to date fewer exotic dancers and more girls with library cards." In an interview against a horrible green background, Stephen's sister Paula talks about how awesome he is. He's awesome! Anyway, Stephen wants to meet the love of his life, and so forth. Stephen, come on down and see Sean! Again, we get the "you're a handsome devil, how can you be not meeting anyone?" routine, and again, Stephen feigns humility. He's "tired of the bar scene." So, as noted above, this was the logical step. Because the bar scene is seriously so shallow. It's not substantive like reality television. Let's hear it for Stephen!
Billie Jeanne. Oh, Billie Jeanne. She has blonde feathered-out-to-there hair and a gold top. And she is the most graceless individual I have ever seen. Even when she's just standing in silhouette, you can see how awkward she is. And she's not even moving! Her little introductory profile is all about how she bartends and goes "woooo!" and can't meet guys because they're scared of the "woooo!" and she just wants to meet her special someone and go "woooo!" with him and have little "woooo!" babies. Wooooo! Oh, and she calls the audience "motherfuckers." And she threatens to kick our asses. But they bleep her out with a red heart over her mouth. That is so sweet. There's some sad music, and Billie Jeanne laments being a strong woman who can't find a guy because no one loves her for anything except her wild, hot bod. Come on down, Billie Jeanne! Sean wants to hump her leg, but he restricts himself to calling her a "firecracker," which makes her bark like a seal. Billie Jeanne says her problem isn't meeting guys, it's sorting through all the guys who want her. She also says, "I want your heart." And she has a melon baller, so don't make her prove she's serious. Let's hear it for Billie Jeanne!
up is Jennifer. Jennifer seems to be the closest to normal among these women. She has a dog and a cat, so I trust her. She's some sort of professional woman, so of course the rap on her is that she's picky and cold and overly detached -- like all women with jobs -- and therefore, she's old and alone and quickly running out of eggs. Like all women with jobs. She wants to meet her "soulmate." Come on down, Jennifer! Of all these women, I definitely hate Jennifer the least.
Small-faced Sean introduces us to our last single to be set up: Matt. Matt is the token dork in the group, because he has great big ears, so you can tell he's smart and chicks don't like him. We see him at home with his dog. Matthew's mother tells us that he's "very, very funny," and then she adds that it's "a dry sense of humor," which means, "I will not listen to you if you tell me that he's really not all that funny." He tells us in an interview that he has "no game," because if he weren't entirely inept with women, why would he be going on this show? No, that's basically what he said. And it was a little funnier. Certainly funnier than anything Billie Jeanne said. Anyway, Matt has been floating, and now Matt is sad. So he thinks that this can't be any worse than meeting people in bars. Oh, Matt, you're so young. Matt is the first, to his credit, to give an open chortle to Sean's suggestion that he must meet girls really easily. All Matt has to say about why he would do this stupid thing is that it's the "adventure of a lifetime." Well, so is crashing your car into the side of a mountain and barely living to tell about it, but that doesn't mean I would encourage people to do it, Matt. Matt also says his "girl-picker's broken." Eeeew! Ew, I don't want to know. No, I don't. Don't tell me. I don't want to know. Hey, I said not to tell me.
Sean says that up, we will meet the prospective spouses. But first, we must seal away the five contestants, because they aren't supposed to see any of the candidates until the whole thing is all over. It's to preserve the romance, you know.
Back from commercial, Sean reminds us of the premise of the show, despite how hard we may have been trying to forget. And now it's time to meet the twenty-five "suitors"! I bet they're all really cool, don't you? Winners! Woooo!
Jack the Army airborne officer says he's "twenty-nine and pushing thirty real fast!" I don't even know what that means. Then he says he's a writer, and spins some fantasy about lying by the fire and reading his own children's books to his kids. Ah, yes. The classic Army officer/children's book author combination. Jack is bald, but he has a beard. He's a mass of contradictions, Jack.
Denise is a professional bullrider. Her shirt would like you to know that she has big boobs, and they don't need the assistance of any external support. She wants to marry someone "wild" and "fearless."
Joshua is a Wall Street investment banker with a very bad sweater. He claims that people think he looks like Prince William. He looks nothing whatsoever like Prince William, so I think he hangs around with a lot of people who need glasses.
Jennifer says that everything she's ever done was to make her parents proud. At the ripe old age of twenty-seven, she's hearing her biological clock ticking, and besides, she has to have babies now, because all her friends are doing it. No, really. That's kind of what she says. Her dress looks like curtains. She tells us, "I hope that you can find my husband." That totally gives me an idea for a new show.
Kevin is a fireman and owns a landscape business. He says he needs a girl to help him "slow down." I have a feeling Kevin is slow enough already. He stumbles over his cue cards, and says he's "looking for a life" instead of "looking for a wife." Hee. Aren't we all, Kevin? Really, aren't we all?
Trisha says that she wants to be happy so she won't be bored. Who came up with these sound bites, anyway? These are, like, the worst sound bites ever. She says she has a big mouth, and her friends want her to get a husband so she can have a "muzzle." Yeah.
Xavier is looking fine in his suit, and has a French accent. Actually, he talks exactly like Henri, the guy on Cheers who was always telling Woody, "Ah am go-eeng to steal your giiiirlfriend!" He says that if he loved me, he would cook me deee-nner. I like him. And then he says "I may not have een-vented French keees, but I am definitely the master of it." No, that really happened.
Darrien says she's a professional athlete. I'm not sure what she does, but from the way she walks, I think she may be in horse racing. As the horse. (Rimshot!) She is wearing the world's least flattering pink-on-pink dress. She's a fitness professional from Redondo Beach, which means she is an archetype and she gets to go on the version of Noah's Ark if we ever have another flood.
Vincent is wearing a nice suede jacket. Then he says, "Through real estate, I'm building wealth for me and my future wife." Hey, I know him! He sent me an email the other day with the subject line, "Make money fast this really works missalli 47rjdwkdsf9fgl."
Darcey thinks that being on this show is God's plan for her. But Darcey, God loves us all! She also says she's a "visual merchandising manager." The hell? ["Since my sister got a job at a clothing store last summer, I actually know what that means! She probably designs and sets up the displays in a store." -- Wing Chun]
Kevin G. has recently given up on a career in baseball, because he wants a family. He says, "Love has eluded me." That's a line from a Cole Porter song, incidentally, although I find it hard to believe Kevin G. knows the song. Maybe he just thinks like Cole Porter. And then he says, "Chicks dig me." Okay, he doesn't think exactly like Cole Porter.
Smithy looks like a cartoon character. He's kind of shrimpy, and he's...well, he's named Smithy, for God's sake. He says his parents have the perfect relationship. Moreover, he says he lives in Celebration, Florida, which makes me wonder whether it's one of those Disney towns where everyone has to clip their lawn with nail scissors and wear floor-length bathrobes whenever they walk by a window. ["It is." -- Wing Chun] He says he likes to smile a lot. He is a cartoon character! Or a happy little Disney puppet!
Alessandra is our designated European Woman, and she says her Italian family believes in traditional roles for women. She's been trying to prove that women rule, and this is apparently the thing she thought would be most helpful.
Brian says that if he could change anything about himself, he'd be less of a perfectionist, and have better abs. He has chosen "fun guy" as his persona, so he tries to banter with the audience. The audience is like, "Woooo!," because they have no judgment at all, and are drunk.
Markus is officially The Only Guy Worth Speaking To on this entire show. He says he's managed a sushi bar and was a philosophy major, and he's still looking for "the right fit." He's a little bit too stubbly, but he's far more palatable than most of the rest of these losers.
Denise D. brings the show to a new low when she says that she learned to live life to the fullest after losing friends on September 11th. Jesus. Plus, she's wearing weird, unflattering shiny pants and a top with an off-the-shoulder ruffle. Offensive on so many levels.
"I have Nordic blood in me. I'm strong, noble, and have all my own hair." Thank you, Tony.
Jeff says that he's not macho -- he paints and writes poetry. Basically, his argument is that you should pick him because he's a weenie. I'm not sure how that works.
Cortez says that her grandparents were in an arranged marriage that worked out great, so she wants the same outcome. She doesn't say whether the marriage was arranged by popular vote.
Michael says he makes fun of himself a lot. Well, that will be good practice. He says he'll do anything short of lighting his hair on fire to keep his wife happy. Somewhere, a Fox executive makes a note labeled, "New Idea."
Paul has one thing going for him: he speaks well of Evil Dead 2. Heh. Unfortunately, I'm not sure he knows it's supposed to be funny. He's a web developer and screenwriter from L.A. Oh, okay. THAT guy. I know him.
Sally says people call her silly. Which is funny, because it's like Sally, only different! Ha ha ha ha!
Jeremy says that his past girlfriends haven't liked the fact that he was obsessed with his work and never paid any attention to them, so he wants to get married. Or something. Oh, and he calls Atlanta "Hot-lanta," so he's dead to me.
Scott is a military guy, but also rides a motorcycle. He seems to think there's some inherent contrast in those two things. He's looking for someone "fearless." Hey, didn't one of the women say "fearless"? This is like playing "Concentration." I know we turned over "fearless" earlier...where was that again?
Kelly says her philosophy of life is to live every day and have no regrets. She's a professional horseback rider. In a group of ten women, there's a bull rider and a horseback rider? How very representative of the population. What a cross-section!
Now that we've met all the crazy people, Sean promises us that our experiment is about to begin, when the relationship experts -- all of whom undoubtedly got their degrees from the back of Rolling Stone -- pick five of the guys for Jill. Man, did we have to start with Jill? I hate Jill. Oh, never mind, I hate everyone.
When we come back, Sean tells us that Jill is from a big family, and that she's now "stashed away in her isolation booth" while her mate is selected for her. She's also wearing those big mega-headphones that went out right around the time the Brady Bunch Kids recorded "Time to Change." But you know, that's the only way they can protect her ears! Jill's ears must be kept pure! Protect Jill's virgin ears! Backstage, Jill looks around the pink and purple set with what I can only describe as blank apprehension. I don't know how she does it.
Sean introduces us to Jill's mom, Michelle, she of the also-overplucked brows. And there's Jill's dad, Scary Anthony. And there's Jill's friend, Deirdre, who looks like a generic best friend from Friend-In-A-Box. Sean swears this is going to be great. In fact, Sean goes, "Woo!" Anyway, the five who have been chosen to compete for Jill are Markus (The Only Guy Worth Speaking To), Vincent (building wealth through real estate), Kevin G. (ex-baseball-player), Brian (audience suck-up), and Smithy (hee hee, "Smithy"). The guys all take up positions on these five discs of glowing white light that are like little doll stands. I envision them all with poles up their backs to keep them standing straight. In fact, I think they may actually have those. Anyway, the rest of the losers are sent offstage to await what will later be their equally distressing fate. Off with the rest of you skanks!
Time for Jill's peeps to get their groove on. Her dad opens the questioning. Imagine the blankest and most stereotypical New York accent you possibly can, and then hear him say this: "Jill is a cat lover. And she cares for her cat. Like it's her child. Will you be able to love her cat as much as she does?" The audience laughs, unsure whether Scary Anthony means this to be funny. He does not. Smithy explains that he grew up with two Siamese cats, so he's all about the cats. His black sweater makes him look like a stick of licorice. He says he now has a gray cat named Rebel. I'm sorry, a cat named Rebel? Whatever, Smurfy. I mean, "Smithy." Everyone claps. Yay! Markus says that he's an animal lover, and actually says that he used to raise seeing-eye puppies, and giving them away always caused him great emotional trauma. You know, if a guy tried a line like that in a bar, you'd throw your drink in his face over the sheer insult, but I think Markus wants to be taken seriously. The audience goes, "Awwwwww." Anyway, he says that he will surely fall in love with the cats, just as he will with Jill. Ha! I found that funny. Vincent says that his mom raises Persian cats, so that's fine. And that's all he has to say. Kevin says that he's been around animals a lot, and for whatever reason, the first two he mentions are cats and squirrels. I'm sorry, squirrels? That confused me. Kevin then goes on to unleash this gem: "Whatever she's into, I'm hoping to blend with that, as much as she is towards me." If you look up "articulate" in the dictionary, Kevin is listed under ant. He shrugs and flashes his teeth. Last up is Brian, who says he doesn't like cats. He's going for the funny-guy honesty vote, which is not going to be served up by Scary Anthony any time soon. Somehow, he winds up saying that because he doesn't like cats, he and Jill could get another cat to go with the cat she has. Or something.
We now move on to a part of the competition where Sean reveals something scandalous about one of the participants. Porn! Porn! I bet it's porn! Anyway, the guys have the right to step up and admit to anything embarrassing they can think of, even though Sean only has one piece of info on one of them, so they might be confessing for nothing. I'm sorry, why would they confess? To avoid having Sean reveal whatever they're going to...confess...my head hurts. None of them confess, obviously, and so Sean, after dragging things out with a dreadful series of non-dramatic pauses, reveals that the secret is about...Markus! (Dun-dun-duuuuun!) And the secret is...he got his first kiss in college! Scandal! Markus defends himself against this bitter insult by saying that he used to be shy. That really was very exciting. Okay, now, with the guys except for Markus having answered only the cat question, it's time for Jill's peeps to kick someone off the stage. And they decide to kick off Brian. They didn't apparently find his "I hate cats" approach to the "will you promise to love her cats?" question very appealing. Go figure. Oh, and Scary Anthony says that Brian dresses like a dweeb, which is pretty much the funniest thing that will happen on this show all night. Brian attempts what I think is a rip on Scary Anthony, who in turn dismisses him with a non-humorous blow-off.
Now, the peeps will ask a question based on the secret files they read in advance about the guys. Michelle asks Markus about all the different things he studied in college, and wants to know what he actually wants to do with his life. Markus says he doesn't know. No, that's really what happens. You'd think I'd have to be lying. Markus claims it's a strength that he's still open, and by "open," he means "drifting." It's now Vincent's turn, and Scary Anthony asks him why he wants to adopt a child. Vincent says he spent time in Russia, and that Russian orphanages are sad. Sad! Audience: "Woooooo! Sad Russian orphanages! Wooooo!" Deirdre asks Kevin about his large family, and asks whether he wants to have a big family, too. Kevin says, "That's something her...she and I would have to discuss." Way to pause for the grammar, dude. He says that he would just have to talk it over with his wife. My God, could the answers to these questions be any more boring? Kevin actually makes a face, because he knows how very, very boring his answer was. Mama Michelle is back to ask Smithy (hee, "Smithy") a question. She says that she understands he grew up in a small town. Would he like to raise his family in a small town? Smithy explains that although he might be willing to brave a year or two in a crazy-ass place like, say, Denver, he would eventually want to settle in a small town. Considering that everything about Jill's peeps screams "NEW YORK CITY!," I'm not sure what Smithy was thinking, unless he was fantasizing about the time he got to wear the Goofy costume and hang out at Space Mountain.
Unsurprisingly, Smithy is history. My favorite part is that when Mom announces their decision, she calls him "Schmitty." Hee, "Schmitty." The audience boos, because they love Schmitty -- er, Smithy! They love his little elfin smile, and the way he bobs on the ends of his strings in that jaunty way. They love Smithy! He tells Jill's peeps, "I thank you nice folks for your time." Man, I think he's a robot from the same line as R.J. The peeps applaud. You can see them being like, "You know, I think he's better than that Vincent dude. He looks sketchy. I wish we had met him more than six minutes ago, since we're choosing a husband for our daughter and everything." Smithy is dismissed. Sean says that the peeps will now take the last three guys back to an "interrogation room" for a more intensive interview, and then they'll narrow it down to the final two.
Sean reminds us that we will be voting to determine who Jill will get engaged to, and between the two her family choose.
When we come back, it's time for Stephen's peeps to pick some chicks for him. Stephen's best friend Mo, sister Paula, and roommate Mike are present and accounted for. Asked why Stephen wanted to do this ridiculous thing, Mo says, "Things happen." It's almost like this show is on top of a dormant volcano, and everyone is afraid that if they say anything interesting, the volcano will erupt. Anyway, the women vying for Stephen's greasy paw in marriage will be Trisha (Muzzle-Needer), Alessandra (Italian), Denise D. (September 11th Made Me Do It), Denise L. (bull rider), and Darrien (alleged athlete). They take their places on the Disks of Destiny. Off with the rest of you skanks!
Time for the peeps to ask their questions. The opening question is: what is the most selfish thing you've ever done in a relationship? Denise L. -- falling back on what she learned about how to answer a question in a job interview about what your weaknesses are as an employee -- says that it's that she's a workaholic, so sometimes she neglects her relationships. Ah, yes -- one of those "I'm selfish only in that I'm overly good" sorts of answers. Mo looks unconvinced, even after Denise L. promises she "kisses behind" to make up for it. Alessandra is . Her answer is simply that she needs attention, so sometimes she is selfish. Way to not answer the question, nitwit. You know your answer is bad when you have to chirp "That's it" at the end of it. up is Darrien, who says that she moved to L.A. without consulting her boyfriend, but that they broke up eventually anyway, so it was all for the best. Or something. She has really weird, limp hair. On to Trisha, who says the most selfish thing she's ever done in a relationship was eating the guy's leftovers. Audience: "Ha! Ha ha ha!" That is seriously so funny. Denise D. says that she doesn't do selfish things. She's a giver! She just wants to give give give give! She actually refuses to answer the question. Denise D. is just that unselfish.
Shockingly, when the peeps put their pointy little heads together, they come up with the brilliant idea of booting Trisha for her "leftovers" answer and keeping Denise D. and her I'm-a-giver- not-a-fighter routine. What are they thinking?
Now for the shocking secret portion of our questioning. My "porn" prediction from earlier comes semi-true when it turns out that the secret is that Denise L. once posed for Playboy. Again, SO scandalous! No guy's friends are going to set him up with you, knowing that you're a Playboy model! She's history! Oh, no, she's not. You know, I don't normally spend a lot of time looking at boobs, but Denise L.'s are, like, distracting. It's partly the arrangement of ruffles on her shirt, but it's partly just...I don't know. I've never seen a woman who looked so much like she had oranges in her bra. Or grapefruits, I guess.
The peeps' move is to eliminate Alessandra. I guess she should have made more of an effort on the selfishness question. Or brought bigger grapefruits. She explains her feelings thus: "I never deeeed this before in my life, so eet was good to try!" You know, that's what I always say. You never know if you'll like allowing a five-minute, one-question interview to determine whether you continue on in a competition over the right to marry a schmuck you've never met on national television until you try it. The least you can do is have an open mind. Bye, Alessandra!
More questions from the peeps. Trisha's question has to do with her work in a V.I.P. lounge. What has it taught her? Patience, she says, not taking the obvious opening to say, "I can make any drink he wants." Because you know Mo wanted to hear that. She also says she's "very fun." On to Denise D. She's asked what she means when she says she values equality in a relationship. Denise says that both parties in a relationship should be nice and understanding. This isn't a Fox game show -- this is homecoming court! Ugh. Denise L. is asked what she learned from being kicked out of the house at sixteen by her mother (ow...jeez) and managing to finish school. Interestingly, Denise largely says that she learned not to trust men. Wow. I'm having this vision of three dorks behind her going, "Freud, Freud, all null and void..." Darrien is asked about the fact that, at one point, she thought about quitting whatever unnamed sport it is that she competes in. Given that fact, Mo asks her, can she commit to a marriage? I am completely confused as to what those two things have to do with each other. It's like, "I hear you have a dog. Are you tall?" She swears she has her priorities in order. Her own dreams will never be allowed to interfere with her desire to get married. Married! She must get married!
The peeps boot Trisha. Mo says there are no leftovers in Stephen's house, and Trisha looks horrified that this was the answer that killed her. "I get hungry; I don't know what to tell ya," she says with a chuckle. Mo is the worst ever at picking girls. They wound up with the two Denises and Darrien! How horrifying!
When we return, it's back to Sean, who explains that Jill's and Stephen's peeps have finished the first stage of the competition. Now, it's time for Billie Jeanne. Her roommate Duane, her girlfriend Paige, and her co-worker Jeanmarie are all present. Asked why Billie Jeanne would do this, Duane says that it's because BJ is looking for "consistency" and "commitment." And where better to find those things, really, than on Fox? Duane, incidentally, has a very amusing black head-wrap on. It's like a do-rag, but much, much more fabulous. BJ's possible grooms are Tony (has all his own hair), Jack (military children's stories author), Jeff (non-macho painter), Michael (will not light his hair on fire), and Kevin P. (landscaping fireman). Off with the rest of you skanks!
The peepfest opens with Duane asking all the guys how they would describe their sexual appetite. I immediately put a clock on how fast someone will use the word "voracious." Duane then turns and waggles his hands in the air to acknowledge the girls in the audience going, "Wooo!" Because his question was dirty, baby! Dirty! Fifteen seconds is the answer on the voracious-meter, as Jack is first to answer the question, actually going with "abundantly voracious." Not just voracious, mind you -- abundantly voracious. He says that nevertheless, he has sometimes "practiced abstinence" at a girlfriend's request. Okay, so it's not like abundantly voracious, just mostly voracious. We move along to Kevin, who thinks the question is dirty. He doesn't really want to answer it. Because sex is sacred, dammit! Unlike, apparently, marriage. Kevin would never go on a tacky reality show called Pimped By America. Because sex? Sacred! Duane claps at this answer. The girl peeps are like, "Whatever, dork." Michael says that his appetite is "very hungry." He wishes for what he calls an "all-you-can-eat booo-fay!" Even he looks like he hates himself for making that remark. Then he looks up and says, "Can I say that? I can say that, right?" Dude, after Sarah slurped Evan on the soundtrack and then blew his sock, you can pretty much say anything. Jeff says, "I, too, am very hungry all the time." I'm half-expecting him to go on to, "I, too, would like a more powerful battery on which to operate," but he doesn't. He says that sometimes he just tears off a chick's clothes when she comes in the door, before she gets a chance to do anything. Is that a selling point now? Like poor Billie Jeanne needs to be tackled before she can even get her body glitter washed off. Jeff also uses the expression "go at it" in a way that makes me want to wash my ears out with Lysol. Tony is the last to answer. He first points out that this conversation is turning him on, too (which is wrong, but not for the reasons Fox is aware of), and then he says that sure, he likes sex. His appetite is healthy. But he really likes sex best when he's in love. And the eyeballs of America roll.
Secret-divulging time. This time, the secret is about Tony. And the secret is, he's had more than one woman in bed at a time. "Well, somebody had to hold the video camera," Tony says. Goodness. He then goes on to say that in fact, he would never tell. I secretly suspect somebody did have to hold the video camera -- and it was Tony, which is why he doesn't want to talk about it.
The first guy dumped by the Peeps Of Stephen (where Good King Wenceslas looked out, incidentally) is Kevin. Oh, dear. Duane says BJ would "eat him up alive." I guess he should have claimed to have one of those voracious sexual appetites. Jeanmarie actually tries to set Kevin up with Paige as he's on the way out. Kevin basically says that it's fine with him to leave. Just fine!
Time for more questions. Duane asks Tony, who he deems "a good-looking guy," what he brings to a marriage other than good looks. After telling Duane he's pretty cute himself (no, really), Tony says that he brings himself. And that's "more than enough, usually," as he puts it. Oh, I'm sure it is. I'm just sure. It. Is. , Paige asks Jack about graduating from West Point, and how exactly that led him to want to write children's books. Heh. Jack promises a "wonderfully adventurous" life for any woman who is brave enough to get in bed with a guy who knows how to use a gun and can make a yellow balloon in the sky act as a metaphor for your divorcing parents. Jeanmarie asks Jeff about spirituality, because it's apparently important to him, and Jeanmarie is wondering if it would have to be important to his hypothetical wife. I think this question means, "You are religious. Billie Jeanne is a heathen, in about twenty different ways. Problem?" Jeff assures her all is well. As long as Billie Jeanne is "spiritual" (read: believes in her horoscope), he can live with that. Jeff also wants his wife to be "universal in her mind." And boy, do I have no idea what that means. Duane then asks Michael about being a self-described mama's boy. Michael is very, very slightly funny as he asks permission to wave to his mother, and does. He tells Duane that "mama's boy" is Greek for "I need a woman to kick me in the butt sometimes." I cannot tell you the number of things wrong with that statement, but...just assume that everything is wrong with it, and you won't be far off.
The Peeps of Billie Jeanne continue their deliberations by getting rid of Jeff. Duane says that "spirituality is great, but...the whole package is just a little incomplete." Because seriously, if you can't express your entire self to Duane in the answers to two questions, one of which addresses your sexual appetite, there's just something missing from your soul. Seek counseling, Jeff! Fill the void! Jeff good-naturedly leaves, undoubtedly happy to be freed from this trap. The Peeps of Billie Jeanne take the remaining dudes away to be questioned further, and Sean promises us that shortly, the phone lines will be open! All will be revealed!
When we return, Jill's peeps have taken the table again to finish weeding out the boys. Jill is still in the creepy purple isolation booth, but they actually introduce Michelle, Scary Anthony, and Deirdre again, the better to fill out the available time. We see scenes of their interrogations of the various guys, in which Kevin tries to extricate himself from a "kissing doesn't count as cheating" statement and Vincent swears allegiance to his mother. Back on the stage, Sean rattles off the families' impressions of the guys as they stand there uncomfortably. Markus: The family likes him, but wonders if he has enough money. Vincent: The family likes his career, but they think he won't move to New York and won't want Jill to have a job. Kevin: They like him, too, but they think he's too nervous about this whole marry-someone- you-don't-know thing, so it's keeping them from getting to know him. Also, they think his jaw is way too square. Oh, wait. That's what I think.
And now there is a pause. While music plays. And more pausing. Music. Pausing. Pausing. Music. Pausing. Pausing. Pausing. Finally, Markus is told that he has been chosen. And then there is more music. And more pausing. Pausing. Pausing. The other one continuing is Kevin. Adios, Vincent! You shouldn't have sounded quite so into your mother, if you know what I mean. Sean assures him that there's a woman for him out there, which I'm sure makes Vincent feel better. Vincent assures the peeps that there are no hard feelings.
Blah blah blah votecakes. But before we all call in (yeah, I'm certainly going to be ringing it up immediately), Jill yells from her isolation booth a little message to us, which is mostly about how she needs a guy who will understand her career. And who has, of course, a good sense of humor and a great personality, because she has to pretend she gives a rat's ass about that. Each guy now gets a chance to campaign for himself. Markus says that family is the most important thing to him, which is why he's taking the whole thing so seriously. Kevin assures us that he came with his whole heart and soul, and he's going to be that way with Jill, too. Or something. And there will be laughing.
Sean gives the voting phone numbers. I'm not repeating them. What, you want to vote? Oh, you do not.
Stephen's turn to be set up. Mo, Paula, and Mike are back. The three women are Denise D., Denise L., and Darrien. We see Mo in the interrogation room, trying to irritate Darrien into admitting that she's easily irritated. Cut back on the sophisticated psychological warfare, Mo! I am frightened of you! Back on stage, it's time for the decision. The blasted music starts up again, and I could honestly kill myself at this point. What did the peeps think of the girls? They think Denise D. has a great head on her shoulders (and by "head on her shoulders," they mean "rack"), but they're not sure about the fact that she seems to want everything her way. They fortunately don't seem to mind that it was September 11th that brought them to this point. Denise L., the peeps like also. They are worried that she spends too much time on her outward appearance, what with the giant breasts and everything. It's strange, but I don't actually think Denise L. looks any more appearance-obsessed than any of the rest of these weirdos. They find Darrien appealingly ambitious, but the peeps think that she's overinvolved in other things.
Pausing. Music. Pausing. The two who continue are Denise D. and Denise L. September 11th girl and the rodeo centerfold? Man, those are some really helpful peeps Stephen has with him if he finds the bar scene "meaningless." Darrien gives her bland, good-sport sendoff. Now it's time for Stephen to speak his mind from the booth. He asks people to keep in mind that there's more to people than looks. Stephen would like you to "consider someone's insides." The intestines, for instance. And what's a wife without a gall bladder? Time for the chicks to campaign for themselves. They both say that they have crappy luck with men, so they're hoping that they can marry Stephen and get it over with, basically. Stephen must be so honored. Okay, run off and go vote!
And now, Billie Jeanne. In the interrogation room, Tony is grilled about being a neat freak. Jack is grilled about practicing celibacy, and reminds the peeps that he said he had practiced celibacy in the past, not currently -- it turns out that Jack is currently a non-practicing celibate. Lapsed, if you will. Jack is asked if he thinks it's a problem that he described himself as a "gambler." He looks shocked when this actually appears to be a real question. I don't think he meant he loses tens of thousands of dollars at the poker table, y'all.
Back on stage, it's time to tell the guys what the peeps thought of them. Tony: They think he's charming, but not sincere. "You're a used-car salesman, and you seem like one." Ugh, I agree. Skeevy. Jack, they admire, but they're not that happy about the gambling. They find Michael funny and "vivacious" (is he a cheerleader now?), but they think he lacks "commitment and stability." Of, I suppose, the kind you would expect to find in a contestant on a show such as this.
Pausing. Music. Pausing. Pausing. Pausing. Music. "Tony. Jack. Michael." Pausing. Pausing. Pausing. Michael has been picked. And so has...pausing. Pausing. Pausing. Music. Music. Pausing. Tony! Wow, they picked the used-car salesman over the children's book writer. Freaky! Jack says that he thinks they made a big mistake, and then he runs off the stage. Billie Jeanne now addresses us from the isolation booth and reminds us that she's going to show "the raw me," so she wants an athletic guy to appreciate the real her. Yeah, she wants the real her to be appreciated, so it's important that the guy be an athlete. Whatever. Tony tells us that we're in a "very unique situation." He claims that he can tell BJ is special, so he needs our help. Michael says that he came on the show to meet his best friend, and he wants to marry his best friend. I'm sorry, is he talking about BJ? That was a really confusing speech. I'm dizzy. For, like, eight reasons.