"Five guys are fixin' to "earn the chance of a lifetime." Can you even stand it? The excitement! The glory! The chance at absolutely no fame? What I love best about Becoming is remembering that everybody who's on this show sent in an audition tape requesting this moment. This guy on this show today? He sent in a tape begging to become Jacob. You think about what kind of person that is.
We start at "Third Street Dance," where we see ten guys sitting and waiting. I guess these are the finalists. Actually, there are probably only ten guys in the world who would be willing to pretend to be O-Town, and five of them are actually in O-Town, so the process of elimination is at work here. They pull five out of the room and have them lip-synch and dance to "We Fit Together" in a dance studio. So much for re-creating the feeling of Making the Band. These five kids are our O-Town boys. One of them is dressed like a female stripper. He's in a Playboy tank top that's Bedazzled, and a red bandanna. The guy who wants to be Trevor is easily thirty-three years old. When the song stops, the immediate First Aid that MTV gives us is Stone Temple Pilots' "Interstate Love Song" playing quietly in the background. I can almost tune out all the other crap that's going on. The man playing the role of "Auditioner" asks the boys if it felt good standing together attempting to dance while they pretended to sing. The boys thought it felt totally awesome. They find out that they're going to become O-Town. They leap into each other's arms as Weiland sings just a bit louder for me. One of the boys falls to the floor as the other three clutch and celebrate in a way that isn't even slightly gay. These boys are cheering like they won something. What did they win, exactly? And was there competition?
Our Ashley is named Greg. He's from Rumel High, Louisiana, but it also says he's a "Graduate." Whatever that means. Oh, I think that means he's old. No longer in high school. Or in Louisiana does that mean he's fourteen?
Michael is our Erik-Michael. Wow! They totally share half a name! Woo! He attends the Dramatic Arts Academy in California. He's a freshman. Oh, my God. He totally is fourteen. This isn't fair to any young boy. I don't care how much he thinks Erik is his boyfriend, this is going to be so embarrassing to him when he's eighteen and wants to date a real man.
Joseph is a sophomore from Central High in Texas. Y'all know which high school, right? That's so specific. Anyway, he's becoming Dan. He's a child. This is so unfair to these boys.
Adam, a freshman from the Dramatic Arts Academy in California, has the unfortunate fate of becoming Jacob. And how sad is it that they couldn't find five guys who wanted to become O-Town, so they had to pick five guys from the same school and pretend that three of them were from somewhere not-too-specific so we couldn't tell right away? And none of them is a day over fourteen, despite the deceptive facial hair.
And that's it for members of O-Town. Oh, sorry. I always forget Trevor. Tyson, a freshman from Diamond Bar High in California (and is that a strip club?) is going to put on Trevor's pants.
Speak to us your wisdom, FakeAshley: "I've been listening to O-Town for about like, two years now. And...almost every day." FakeAshley is so lonely, people. Lonely.
FakeJake? Your thoughts? "Their music makes me feel, like, good. It's not depressing music. It's just...uplifting. It's positive." What a tool. FakeJake's eyes constantly dart to the side as he says this, which means he's either reading this or is completely lying. I'll let you make the call.
Is PseudoErik capable of creating an Erikism? "I admire how O-Town was...was formed." "Admire"? What? You admire an audition that picked five guys to sing and dance to other people's stuff? I keep having to remind myself that these guys are twelve.
NotTrevor: "The fact that, I mean, they were on Making the Band and everything?" This is not a sentence, NotTrevor. It's not a question. This isn't even a complete thought. This isn't anything.
FakeAshley: "I started to watch the show and then I felt, like, I kinda grew with the group as they went on and they had to...go through their troubles, and stuff like that." Yeah, these poor boys are having to read these stupid lines. Nobody would say that. We've been watching three seasons now and we know that not one person has grown on, during, or because of this show.
Eric-Michel: "I dreamed about, you know, becoming a band like that, you know, and, and, that, that always interested me." Well, at least they talk as fluently as their counterparts.
Choreography lessons start at 8:36 AM. The choreographer is Swoop. He slaps everyone a five and some change. Hugging. Props. Ups. Dap. It's all good. UnErik realizes that Swoop once choreographed for "Making the Band." Poor O-Town, never getting their name out there. They should have just been named "Making the Band." UnErik freaks out like he's meeting Paula Abdul. Wait, no it's about the same amount of excitement as if any of us met Paula Abdul. It's the words "Oh, my God!" but we'd say them with much more sarcasm.
Swoop finally figures out the TV/VCR combo, and the boys watch the video for "We Fit Together." Swoop says that Erik is first, but instead we see him teaching NotDan the all-important bendy-neck. "This video isn't really necessarily really 'dance-oriented,' it's just more about flow and just kind of just feeling the music and just, just moving to the music." As we can see, PseudoJacob is just as cruel to the English language as his "better half."
Swoop explains to BizarroTrevor that it's not really dancing, it's just having a "vibe." Then why call in a choreographer at all?
Misterik takes this all way too seriously: "Swoop is a great, great guy. Um. He knows all the moves. He's done choreography uh, for 'Liquid Dreams,' that stuff. But what he did with the video is he learned, all this, all the moves from the video just how they do it and where they hit, everything...perfect. And now he's teaching it to us and we're learning it. So. We're learning it pretty fast, and I think we're doing pretty good." During that monologue, we see Swoop teach FakeAshley how to bend forward from the hips repeatedly to imitate moving to a beat. FakeAshley looks like he's about to puke up a hairball.
Swoop brings in the poor girl who's going to have to pretend to be sexually attracted to this group of five pre-teens. The boys freak out, since they've never really been attracted to girls and they're not sure how they're supposed to act. Her name is Nikki. I'll skip the Prince jokes. Swoop explains to Nikki that there's going to be "a lot of Touchy-Feely and Freeness." Heh. Touchy-Feely and Freeness. I saw them open for P.M. Dawn back in '91. FakeDan gets a jolt of hormones racing through his new body and shouts out a syllable I can't understand at the thought of how free they're going to have to be with each other. It's so gross and sad.
Nikki dances like a stripper as the boys get lost in their own lip-synching. They can't stop touching themselves, so Nikki touches herself as well. They just about push her to the floor to avoid losing the main focus at any one point. As long as the boy can see himself in the mirror, he's happy. I'm happy to report that NotJacob is just as rhythmically talented as his counterpart. Swoop's earring is a razor blade. There's nothing more to say about that.
Swoop tells the boys that they are through with dance class for the day. I notice, in the background, a guitar half out of its case and a large rolling suitcase. Jesus, I'm glad we didn't end up with FakeJake singing "Meant For You" or some shit. In the background, we can see that it's four in the afternoon. Oh, man. Did it take them eight hours to learn how to mimic five boys standing still and bopping their heads to music? How dumb could these kids be? Swoop says, "So look. You guys are through for the day. Tomorrow we'll be meeting up and catching on to each other. Things are looking great today and I'll see you tomorrow." When you guys talk, do you string words together that form a complete opinion and go in an order that people can understand even if they aren't you? Why doesn't anybody on any reality show ever do that?
So they sent these kids to some salon in a strip mall to get their hair done. The hairdresser's name is Vered. Her friends in the back are amazed that something so stupid is happening at their salon.
FakeAshley's getting his hair bleached. It sounds like Vered's putting some product in there so that it looks longer.
Unfortunately, FakeJake isn't getting fitted with dreadlocks. I think that's cheating. He's wearing a bandana and only getting a tiny bit on the bottom dreaded.
FakeDan's only getting a trim.
FakeTrevor has to get his highlights dyed, since Trevor doesn't have any in the video. It's so sad that they have to take highlights out of a fourteen-year-old's hair.
FakeErik's getting his head shaved. He almost cries.
FakeJake explains that with every step, they get closer to becoming O-Town. First they had to learn how to dance. Now they've changed their hair. They shouldn't let FakeJake talk any more than they let the real Jake.
Vered backs away from the five boys as quickly as she can and tells them that they look great. She tells them that they're staying at the Argyle Hotel. Ugh, these boys were just outside my apartment. If only I'd known. I would have been more careful. And wait, does that mean O-Town stays at the Argyle when they're in town? I have to move.
9:27. No-Town is dangerously close to my apartment. They love their hotel room. This is the part where each of them gets the same free stuff their celebrities use. I find it to be the only thing worth suffering this humiliation. They got some kind of crazy skateboard thing that I almost covet. Karaoke machines. (Ooh, I get that joke, producers. Nice one.) Ugly velour shirts that I think are girl shirts. Joop! cologne. Becoming t-shirts. PseudoTrevor tells us that this all still feels like a dream. And a nightmare.
The boys pretend to find a videotape. It's O-Town, wishing the boys good luck becoming them. Erik says, "You guys have an opportunity, I guess, to make one of our favorite videos." Very funny, the "I guess," because he looks to the rest of the boys like, "Is it really an 'opportunity'?" Jacob looks so uncomfortable as he tells the guys to make sure to have fun. Ashley adds, "And! Don't forget to take your seasick pills." None of them can act. It makes me feel bad for them and I hate it when that happens. Oh, my God. No-Town freaks out that they got a videotape of O-Town talking to "them." One of them makes the '80s elbow-to-the-hip move as the others are like, "I can now die happy." When you're fourteen, I guess O-Town pretending to talk to you might be the most exciting thing that could ever happen ever. PuffyAshley thinks that O-Town's actually going to watch the video they create. Yes, but they're going to snark on like Pamie on a season finale of Making the Band. SoNotAshley tells us that he now feels like he has something to prove not to only O-Town, but to "the world" -- that he's strong enough to pretend to make a video. What's heroic about pretending to be Ashley? "O-Town is...awesome," FakeDan says to FakeErik. I keep forgetting which one is FakeDan because he doesn't look like him at all.
Amy the stylist comes in and gives the guys their clothes for the video. It's just Hawaiian shirts and tennis shoes. Nothing exciting at all, but the boys are totally stoked that they get to keep the clothes. Oh, I just figured it out. They've drawn fake neck and chin hair on the young FakeDan so it looks like Dan's scary facial hair, but he only has it drawn on every once in a while. That's why I'm not recognizing the clean-shaven kid all that often.
FakeAshley tells us he's ready to shoot the video now, and he's willing to go to sleep if he has to, but he'd rather just shoot the video now than have to wait until the morning. Riveting commentary, NotAsh.
The boys are up at five in the morning, which means they got to stay in their hotel room for about six hours. Poor kids. The boys are sleepy as they pull each other out of their beds. FakeAshley wears silk pajamas, y'all. It's still dark out as the boys get into their limo.
PseudoTrevor: "Well, in the video there's a yacht. And there's a beach. And there's girls. And uh, I'm excited about all three." Wow.
The shoot's at Marina Del Rey. ["Ew, they're right down the street from where I used to live. I'm glad I moved." -- Wing Chun] The boys freak out when they see the boat. FakeTrevor tells us that he feels "undeserving of this." FakeErik is amazed that they have their own trailers and refrigerators and a view.
10:04 Am, and it's time for the pep talk. Thus sayeth Swoop: "Hey! Y'all 'bout ready to do this, fellas? Yeah! Fellas, you gonna be doing the right thing. You just get out here and you know what you're supposed to do. Be yourself. Be them. Same time. You know. Make sure you get out here and handle it. Have fun. Enjoy yourself. You know I'm saying? 'Sall you gotta do." Shit, that's the best pep talk ever given. The boys all break on an "O-Town!"
Poor FakeJake has the stupidest outfit. What is wrong with Jacob Underwood that he'd go for the "Smooth Criminal" look?
The boat is going nuts applauding the arrival of No-Town. FakeDan can't believe how amazing it is being on the same boat that O-Town was on.
What do you say, FakeErik? "I saw what it looked like in the monitor and that split second I said, 'No way.' I said, 'This looks awesome.' I said, 'I'm not, there's no reason to be nervous.'" How did they end up finding five boys stupider than O-Town? How did they do that? Amazing.
1:25. Lunch at the In-N-Out Trailer. The poor teen girl working the In-N-Out catering truck looks at No-Town like, "What the fuck kind of shitty-ass job do I really have? I serve burgers to fake celebrities? To kids pretending to be fifth-rate musicians? I went to beauty school for this?" I don't understand why, but suddenly we're watching an In-N-Out commercial where the boys are talking about how "unbelievable" the cheeseburgers are from In-N-Out.
FakeAshley is very happy with the way that all of this has gone. He points out the pretty night sky. Thankfully, the director calls a wrap right afterward, and the crowd cheers just as loudly as I do.
Ah, shit. It's just the boat that's a wrap. They still have the beach scenes to do. The same day or is this shit all out of order? Ah, forget it. Teach us more, FakeTrevor: "Being together with these guys, you know, it's only been one day, it's just awesome. Feeling like brothers already. Got a nice brotherhood going." Maybe if I wrote their lines out like poetry they'd be more profound.
"FakeAshley Speaks"
Just like
Making the Band --
we're thrown together
but we became
so close
because we love
doing this.Huh.
Day three in Malibu. Did they stay at the Argyle last night? Why no late-night antics? Acoustic guitar jams by the pool? Puking at the Saddle Ranch? Oh, wait. They're fourteen. See? I keep forgetting. They were totally at home with their parents last night.
PseudoAshley: "Nikki definitely...uh...pumped everybody up to...uh...work a lot harder." Backing away from that one.
Okay, this time? A play. Maybe it sounds more intelligent as a play.
The Girl Is MineFakeJake: Nikki's playin' all the...she's got going from one guy to the and it's hurtin' my...it's hurting my, my feelings, pretty much.
Nikki: Pretty much just um...had my time with each of the guys...um...ha, running in the water, sitting on the rocks...dancing.
FakeAshley: Out of all of us? Dancing with her? I think she digs me?
FakeErik: I think I'm, I'm, I'm at the top right now I think...uh, I connected with her the best. I mean, she can have a little fun with everybody else, you know, but deep down inside she's all mine. ALL MINE, GUYS!
FakeJake: [shaking his head, returning the cap to his water] He's a liar. She doesn't even like him. She told me earlier.
FakeErik: Those dreadlocks are a little bit too tight, that's what I think.
StupidNikki: Who's my favorite? I plead...the fifth.
FakeErik: Who did she say? Who did she say? Who did she say?
FakeAshley: I think she said me.
FakeErik: Aw.
FakeAshley: [something unintelligable]
FakeErik: No, with all seriousness, though, look, let's, let's mature a little bit. Um, I'm gonna get the girl.
No. Still sounds retarded.
They shoot the beach scenes. FakeAsh confesses he's having a little trouble with the "walking" part. The boys all play with each other until we get to see The Video.
If you squint your eyes almost all the way shut, it still doesn't really look like O-Town. If you close your eyes all the way, then it almost sounds like O-Town. FakeTrevor looks nothing like Trevor. Nothing. FakeErik grosses me out. FakeDan's FakeHair is so stupid. It looks like he's wearing the Acme Disguise Kit #15. FakeJake fucks up the lip-synching, but I can see him with the acoustic guitar, so that explains my question from earlier. FakeErik just felt his own nipple. I love that they're splicing the actual video in with this fake one. Man, FakeDan's mustache is the funniest thing I've ever seen. Like a caterpillar's threatening to drop into his mouth. Ew, there's a lyric about how many "Triple-X Dreams" Dan's had that star me. FakeErik just grabbed his crotch. FakeJake has no rhythm at all. The CGI fireworks are hysterical.
Yay! It's a wrap! Tell us how you feel, FakeJake: "Every time I hear that song, or anything, I'm just going to think about all the memories, all the people I met and, you know, I came away with a great experience." Y'all, every time he hears anything he's going to think about this experience. That's his entire day. Sadness. "Or anything?"
NotAshley: "I'm happy that it happened but I'm sad that I have to go. I mean, I could love...I'd love to live every day like this."
Supposed2BTrevor: "I feel like I'm just floating on air. I'm waiting someone for someone to pinch me so I can wake up from this...dream I got having I'm going, I'm having going on here."
WhateverErik: "I know I gotta get back to the real life, reality. Back to uh, school. Driving my own car. No limousine. But you know what? It's been a great two days. I've learned so much."
FakeDan must be high: "It's like, an unreal experience that you've ever, never have in your life. I swear. It's just awesome."
Bye, boys. It's been fun not really meeting you.