Come on. You missed it. You couldn't believe it happened, and when it did, you were shocked and then filled with that warm glow. The warm glow that says, "I wasn't ready to give those O-Town boys up yet." Or at least the warm glow of "I love Pamie." Right? Right? Well, in any event, MTV has ordered you to love O-Town and give it equality among pop bands. In fact, on the show airing before this episode -- How To Be a Popstar -- they seamlessly included O-Town with Britney, Backstreet Boys, Mandy Moore, and Usher. They even added some chick named Willa Ford so O-Town weren't the losers of the show. Willa who?
Previously on Making the Band: Season One. Followed by Season Two. (MTV doesn't even mention this is a new season -- they just call it a "new episode," like MTV has always supported O-Town's efforts.) Clive Davis called the boys "the stars of tomorrow." He just didn't know how far away "tomorrow" was. It's "tomorrow" in Creation time. There's only, like, one clip from Season One, and suddenly the boys are rejoicing that their song is on the air. Trevor's pants fall off again. Ashley is shouting into a cell phone that he's on the radio. I get whiplash when suddenly O-Town gets an award for going platinum. Can you keep up with that?
Welcome to Season Three. Silent Mike is holding a meeting. He explains that the last tour is just finishing up, and O-Town was playing small venues. He calmly explains that they just got an offer to open for Britney Spears. "Who?" Trevor smiles. "Britney Spears," Mike repeats, unaware of this thing called "comedy." Ashley looks down and beams inside his American flag ski cap. Trevor jumps up and dances. Erik rubs his shoulder. Dan tries to look out from underneath his giant Mushmouth cap, but it doesn't work. Ashley then actually explains to us who Britney Spears is as we watch a clip from Britney's two-year-old VMA performance. Ashley tells us that Trevor is a giant Britney fan. "Don't let him tell you any differently," he warns us. Trevor isn't trying: "Every guy who's a guy wants to meet Britney, and I'm gonna do it for you guys out there. Just for you."
All celebrating stops with this tire-screech of a statement: "I don't really wanna open up for anybody." Oh, Jacob. How I missed you. Everybody gets all sullen, pretending to listen to Jacob's "logic." He thinks they're too important to have to play second fiddle to some pop girl nobody's heard of. He doesn't want to be an opening act, when they've been headlining since he was five. He doesn't want to do some crap-ass half-hour show when the lights are still on in a gigantic arena like the Staples Center when he could be doing a full hour and a half to seven people in the Austin Convention Center. Silent Mike promises they'd get fifty minutes. "Is there any other opening act?" Jacob asks. "It's just you guys and Britney," Silent Mike says, fully and openly hating Jacob now. Jacob actually spins this so that he thinks O-Town will be the "special guests" of the concert. Whatever makes you lip-synch, boy. Ashley says, "So that's gonna be a huge tour." Silent Mike agrees, and says it'll be "the biggest thing out this fall." Not missing a second, Jacob notes, "I think we deserve a lot more." Silent Mike avoids eye contact with Jacob as he explains to the band that this is an opportunity to play to twenty thousand people who wouldn't normally buy a ticket to see O-Town. His words, not mine. The rest of the boys are quiet, just trying to figure out how much twenty thousand is, wondering if they'll get to see Britney naked. Well, probably not all of them are thinking that. Maybe just Trevor. Silent Mike asks if he should call them back and confirm the gig, as if they're not already confirmed for the gig. Jacob looks down and gives a reserved sigh. Trevor says he thinks they should do the gig. Everybody teases that Trevor is going to think they should do the gig. Erik tries to play some bullshit that he sort of understands where Jacob is coming from, but basically everyone tells Jacob to go suck his guitar somewhere because they want to open for Brit-Brit. Jacob says, "I just wanna play." Does he mean music? Play music? Does that mean he's quitting O-Town? Jacob tells us that after Mike on the Mike explained things to him (read: told him he had to do the show), he understood that the show would be good for the band. He says that you have to take a small step back to take a step forward. I don't, Jacob. You do. "If we can pull it off, it'll be really good," Dan concludes. Were truer words ever spoken?
We finally get to the opening credits. I can't believe how much they're still like last season's opening credits. Can't MTV pay for a better song or something? It sounds like the opening for a PBS children's show.
Jamie Foxx is giving the boys a pep talk at their rehearsal space in Orlando. Oh. My bad. I guess that guy is "Ed," the choreographer. Anyway, he explains to the kids that Britney is actually talented, and that they are going to have to be good if they don't want to look like assholes. However, those aren't the words he chooses in order to explain that; instead, he says: "Britney got Neptune beat. You guys get off-stage with a gang of slow jams and corny pop. She's about to light the shit up with hip-hop. I've seen her rehearsals. I've been in there. I've seen them." Aren't y'all glad I'm here to translate?
Ashley says that he's not sure how they're going to compete with Britney. Erik is worried because they only have a week to get ready for this tour. Ashley says they won't have any smoke and mirrors when Britney's going to be nothing but smoke and mirrors, and they still have to do a show that impresses people. I can see Ashley's concern, here. None of them is going to hang upside down from a swing so that we can see their titties. Maybe Dan could look into that.
Ed explains that Britney is going to be good, and he's glad she's going to be good so that O-Town can then strive to be as good. Jacob examines a roll of tape instead of listening as Ed calls for "some real flyness."
Ashley's hair keeps changing lengths; at one point it looks like Trevor is talking to Rachel from The Real World Back to New York. Trevor says this hasn't all hit him yet, that they're going to open for Britney. He says, "I don't want to meet her and be like...you know, I wanna actually meet her." Does Trevor think "opening for Britney" means he gets to have sex with her backstage?
We see more clips of Britney's old VMA performance, as if we've forgotten what she looks like for six seconds. Actually, it's smart on the editor's part, because I'll keep watching this show hoping for that shot of Britney on her back with her legs spread where we can see her vagina. Trevor tells us that he likes Britney for "like, five reasons." In a breakthrough moment, the screen fills with a shot of Britney's stage, a tiny square of Britney frozen in the corner, and the title: "Five Reasons Trevor Likes Britney." And then, the strangest thing happens: I laugh. Not because someone said something stupid. Not because I'm weakened in my trapped position. Not because I'm exhausted. It's actually funny that the editors make this list for Trevor and his reasons. Congrats, MTB; Season Three is looking up. Reason #1 that Trevor likes Britney: "She fine."
We watch the boys dance to one of their songs. The caption reads "Choreography Rehearsal." Well, they still think we're kinda dumb. Oh, well. You can't fix everything in one season, can you? Erik tells us that they want to be the "cleanest dancing group out there." Impossible. Have you looked at Jacob? Oh, they mean dance-wise. Still impossible. The boys run through a number that ends with them frenetically miming smacking a girl's ass. Trevor then runs through it again, only remembering the part where he mimes smacking the ass. He says it all stern and passionate and it comes out like, "One, two, something, something, move, move, move!" Instantly I hear the opening strains of A Chorus Line. Jacob complains. Ed doesn't want to hear it. He says Jacob's not hitting his spot because he's not doing it right, not because it's too difficult. Trevor says something, something, move, move, move to the effect that critics who review O-Town at this Britney show will be more important than the critics that review them at their own shows. Whatever that means.
Can I mention here that not for one second did I miss the song "All or Nothing"? I am tired of Diane Warren. So tired. I think the DJ just called the song "All For Nothing." Is it "All For Nothing"? I don't even know. That's how much I care. Dan hears something on his cell phone that makes him scream. They've been nominated for "Song of the Year" at the Radio Music Awards. Dan dances like a chicken as someone explains to us that this is an important nomination, even though we've never heard of it. It's an industry award. The way they're explaining it, it sounds like DJs make the nominations. Erik explains that they worked "so very hard" to make good relationships with every Morning Zoo across the land, so it's rewarding to get nominated for being good radio guests with a song that doesn't actually offend anyone and can be played in any department store or movie theater lobby anywhere at any time. Jacob: "It is an industry award, and that doesn't mean a lot to us, but I would -- I would much rather rehearse over an award show any day." I wish Jacob had his own talk show where he just discussed all of the things that he hated and then just strummed a guitar, talking about Vietnam or some shit while the rest of us got to throw spoonfuls of sour cream at his dreads. That would make me so very happy.
Jacob pouts through some meeting on some steps outside. He tells Silent Mike that he doesn't think they should give up a rehearsal day to go to an award show. Erik wishes for a "clear answer." Trevor's stoked about going to Vegas for the award show. Erik explains that this is a big show that will be on national television ["It will? What, like on USA or Oxygen or something?" -- Wing Chun], and it's the first time they've been nominated for something, and it's for Song of the Year, which is the biggest award, and they should be there to accept it if they can. Jacob says they often spread themselves too thin, and that their shows suffer for it in the long run. Someone notes that they started their last tour without a run-through beforehand. Jacob barks that just because they let their last tour start out shitty and it got better, it doesn't mean that they can open for Britney with a sub-par show that will improve. The boys argue until Dan rubs his head into his expensive cell phone. Jacob says he's tired of going onstage with a crap show because they're so busy when they're not onstage. "It's all about radio," Ashley tells us for no reason. Jacob says the word "fucking." Trevor repeats that he thinks they should go because it won't hurt their opening night with Britney. He adds, "Plus, in Vegas, you know, I like to play craps." He mimes shooting dice with the international sign for "handjob."
Is this the first commercial break? I hate it when they overwork the recapper.
More shots of Britney's old-ass performance. Again, Trevor tells us that he likes Britney for five reasons. The screen fills with the list again. Reason #2: "She's damn fine." Reason #3: "She's pretty fine."
These poor kids have to fly Southwest? That ain't right. Having a plastic boarding pass and shit. How will Ashley and Erik get to sit together? Anyway, Vegas. Dan reminds us that when they went to this thing last year, everybody was trying to talk to Christina or Brian McKnight and they were all, "Oh, the Making the Band kids." This time they're calling O-Town by name, asking them to sit and chat with each sad DJ. The entire convention is filled with fake enthusiasm. Dan tells us that they toured the country in an hour and a half. He means "tortured," though. We then get a montage of DJs, which in that level of concentration makes me both terrified and nauseous. I know I've said it before, but I'll say it again. I hate DJs. With those voices, and the tendency to hold out vowel sounds longer than necessary. With those stupid laughs, and "speaking of"s. DJs are just standup comics that sucked the life out of every open-mic night, and then continued to make sure you couldn't escape them by doing their shitty routines in your car on your way to work. Hate the DJ. Hate it. Worse than shoe salesmen, with their snotty tones and they way they look at your feet like you're causing them grief. Like it's so hard to go in the back and pull out a box in size 8 when your entire job consists of going in the back and pulling out a box in size 8. Jacob's pupils are crazy dilated. I think that boy's on the pot. Trevor says that they "make music," which is a statement I don't think would hold up in a court of law. And for the record, "until the breaking of the dawn" is the worst lyric ever written. Worse than "Thank you, India." I love that they have to blur out all of the other non-DJ or non O-Town people standing around because their faces are probably registering pure disgust.
Boston Mike is back, talking about how pretty the "aawahhd" is. They ask him to explain what he's talking about. The RMA award is apparently some kind of crystal microphone kind of thing. Doc Holliday -- who I call No Name, if some of you have forgotten (because I refuse to call him Doc Holliday) -- is back, saying he's sure the boys are going to win the award. Erik is pretty sure the award is going to go to "Lady Marmalade." Oh, Lord! Have y'all seen the forearm tattoos Jacob put on himself? Some kind of Led Zeppelin-looking thing just over each elbow? Someone needs to save that child from himself. Erik tells us that they might win the award. The boys all try to figure out who they should thank when they go up to accept the award. They remember Clive Davis. Fans. Things like that. Ikaika. Oops! No, they didn't. Ashley says he was anxious to find out who was going to win.
For no reason at all, we're forced to watch clips from the RMA show, which looks like a VMA rip-off in terms of video style. No Name tells the boys that they're going to win. They don't want to hear that they're going to win, when they know they're not going to win. No Name tells them that they will win. What is Stevie Nicks nominated for? Ashley tells us that winning this would be the sweetest victory of all. Destiny's Child, award show whores, are presenting the award. The nominees: "Lady Marmalade," Lifehouse (who?), "Angel," "Kryptonite," and "All or Nothing." Beyoncé tries not to fall asleep as she prepares to announce the winner. MTV prefers to take us to commercial break here, assuming that we are filled with "anticipation."
They show us the entire clip again, to remind us of "anticipation." Trevor and Ashley tell us how nervous they were. As Beyoncé struggles with the envelope, the editors add in some sound clip of a girl saying, "O-Town!" It's totally fake. Of course, like we all predicted and knew in our heart-of-hearts, the award goes to "Lady Marmalade." "Boo-yay voo coo-shah avay-kwa!" the non-Beyoncé one shouts into the microphone as Beyoncé tolerates her. We get several shots of Erik, Dan, etc. (minus Jacob, who probably went on a tirade about awards, music, the Beatles, and how he's keeping things real). Everyone is speechless, for some reason. "Big surprise," Erik says with a laugh, shaking his head. "Big surprise." This season Erik suddenly seems like the smart one. When did that happen? Trevor then talks some bullshit to the effect that Destiny's Child made him think they had won because they looked surprised when they saw the name on the envelope. Trevor, they were surprised because they're not used to seeing their name on every envelope.
Back at the trailer, No Name is still insisting that he thought they were going to win. Did they leave him here in this trailer during the show? "Yeah, that sucks," Jacob sighs. He's wearing his Michael Jackson Thriller jacket. Ashley tells us that it might just be wishful thinking, but he still thinks the song was good enough to win. Certainly in that group of songs, it was a song that sucked just as badly as every other song there.
I don't know why, but Clive invites the guys to his gigantic hotel room in Vegas to give them a pep talk on their loss. I love that they had to leave their trailer to meet with Clive in his penthouse at the Bellagio. He reminds them that lots of songs came out over the past year, and just being one of the five nominated is a big deal. He says that "more than thousands" of songs came out last year. Does he mean millions? Because Clive might just as well be all, "A kamajillion songs came out last year. And you're one of the five safest! Congrats." Clive then says the words "spectacular," "celebration," "tangible," "recognition," and "best record." The kids all shake their heads and look down, recovering from the polysyllabic beating they just received.
Back in O-Town, O-Town is trying to learn how to dance. Again. This time they're just learning how to bounce. Bouncing is hard, apparently. Jacob dances like he's on a tightrope. "We just have to be tight," Ashley says. I giggle. "Because it's gonna be raw up there," he concludes. I don't know what he just said, but it's damn sexy. Because I'm imagining he's saying it naked.
Man, every time they give me a clip of the boys dancing and singing, I just start laughing. This "I love it when you take me down, down, down under your spell" song has choreography where they mime fisting. I think Jacob thinks that if he dances badly enough, they won't make him dance with the rest of the group and will let him just play guitar while they dance. Ed talks some choreography-speak that is mostly just boring, clipped with dance bits that don't have anything to do with what he's saying. As we watch the boys practice lip-synching while looking "natural," Jacob tells us that they still suck. Ashley sits in front of an image of blurry school buses as he tells us he's anxious.
O-Town arrives at the arena. Girls scream. "I'm here!" Trevor says. "Where's Britney?" Erik actually tells us that he thought the stage was going to be shitty, but then was pretty happy to see the gigantic stage Brit uses for her show. He says they have "ample room" to do their thing.
Finally, Trevor gets to meet Britney. Britney walks into their dressing room. She's wearing a hat from My Chauffeur. Yes, like a stripper. Here's what Britney's good at. You know when you are at a strip club and there's a pretty blonde girl that's your favorite, and eventually you make enough eye contact with her that she comes over to your table and the way she looks at you and talks to you convince you that she likes you and was coming over just to talk? You know how you feel like you're tipping her the $25 not just because she put her ass in your face, but because you think she's a great girl and you want to give her the money because you're a good person and not because you just made a sexual transaction? Plus, you know, she's putting herself through college and could use the money. Britney does that. She coos and smiles and cocks her head like she's listening to you and not just counting hundred-dollar bills. She makes the right noises at the right times so it's like she's flirting, but she never actually gets involved. It's very smart, and I don't know how she learned it without being a stripper.
Back to Trevor's list. Five reasons. Reason #4: "She fine." And reason #5: "She's hot." Trevor just busts out and tells Britney, "Honestly, though? Girl, you fine." He's all blushing and stammering and Britney says something that sounds like "You're so weak!" but I'm sure she called him "sweet." She makes noises like he's a puppy. Trevor apologizes to all of us for being such a pussy. Everyone starts teasing Trevor, telling Britney this story that Trevor doesn't want her to know about how this guy pretended to give Trevor Britney's cell-phone number once and he called it. This guy put his friend on the phone and she pretended she was Britney and told him that O-Town sucked. Britney is only half-listening to this story, so she doesn't know if she's supposed to act offended because someone told Trevor that O-Town sucked, or if she's supposed to be offended that someone is pretending to be such a mean Britney, or if she's supposed to laugh because of course everyone knows that O-Town doesn't suck and that Britney loves all of their songs, even the ones nobody hears on the radio. She just makes all of the noises and plays every single angle, wondering how much longer she has to be stuck in this basement with this fifth-rate boy band when Justin's upstairs with a $5 million belly chain he wants to put on her. Trevor's t-shirt reads: "It's only funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's hilarious." Man, that's this show in a nutshell, isn't it? An exhausted Britney finally gets to leave so that she doesn't have to pretend she knows who Trevor is anymore. Everyone then teases Trevor for making such an ass out of himself in front of Britney.
Cut to the show. Why does Erik keep getting to wear jerseys onstage? Doesn't he know they make him look chubby? Jacob tells us he thought the show was going to be more overwhelming than it was. Since they can't see twenty thousand people (since there aren't twenty thousand people yet. It's the opening band. It's O-Town), they can only see the first few rows, and that makes them feel more comfortable. Erik says it's easier when you can't see them. That "breaking of the dawn" song starts up as Ashley closes this episode with these wonderful words: "I'm kicking ass. I look over at Erik and Erik's kicking ass. I look over at Trevor and how's Trevor doing? He's kicking ass. I look over at Dan, and Dan, he's hyping up the crowd like he does. Dan's kicking ass. I look over at Jacob, I know Jacob's kicking ass, I don't even have to look at Jacob. O-Town's up, kicking ass." I look over at this recap, this recap's kicking ass. My bowl of veggie chips? Kicking ass. My Diet Coke? I know my Diet Coke is kicking ass. The TV? Playing the 'Town, kicking the ass. Pamie's up, kicking ass. Damn, I missed these boys.
We then get a teaser for the season. Ashley gets yelled at for sucking. Jacob diagnoses Ash with "chronically messed-up timing." Something about TRL. Some kind of Howard Stern-looking contest. Karaoke contest. Contests. A horrible second album. Shirtless Ashley. Trevor gets a girlfriend. Jacob probably breaks up with his. Who's with me? WHO'S WITH ME?