Previously on Making the Band: Lou Pearlman came a whole lot closer to making a band. Paul's girlfriend Carrah professed love and trust, but Paul admitted that he's likely to cheat on her. Ikaika morosely left a girlfriend in Hawaii. Vocal coach Mark Goff chided the guys for being late on their first day.
The credits tell us this is a case of passion and sacrifice and living a dream. They prefer not to mention this is also a case of a gross overweight old albino man with too much money and a knack for exploiting young boys.
We return to the inaction just where we left -- in Mark's studio with a bunch of dejected-looking guys listening to Mark spout melodramatic admonitions. Erik-Michael's lips are one collagen injection away from being Angelina Jolie's. "You can be replaced," Mark repeats. "So you know what to do." Then Mark hands each guy what looks like a condom, and they all turn around and stand facing the wall. ("Jooooosh!!!!" screams Heather Donahue from Blair Witch Project.) It's not latex, though -- it's paper, which Mark's using to teach the art of blowing. To assess and increase their lung capacity, each guy has to inhale hard and blow on the paper, holding it against the wall with just the power of exhalation. Mark wanders from guy to guy, snapping his fingers and scolding them for not breathing in rhythm. He demonstrates, "one...two...three...gasp," and looks here like the Pillsbury Doughboy probably did the very first time anyone stole one of his Grands Cinnamon Rolls and poked him in the belly.
But Mike's mind isn't on blowing things. "I couldn't stop thinking about how we're going to lose three," he tells us in the patented Bunim-Murray confessional. "It kinda hurts." Meanwhile, Mark's paying rapt attention to Ashley's jaw, which apparently isn't dropping enough. "I couldn't even get a straw in there!" Mark complains as Ashley giggles, thinking it'll be a cold day in Orlando (so...November, maybe) before Mark puts anything in his mouth. Moving right along, Mark then urges the guys to use their lips to control the flow of air. "They're not just for kissing the girls!" Mark reminds the gang, which makes Paul straight-out guffaw, because that's why God gave him lips and everyone knows it.
Four hours later, the voice session is complete, and Mark tells the guys they'll have one four-hour session per day to anticipate with bated breath. We oooh and aaaah over the rigors of life in a boy band. Pooped from all that respiration, everyone sits in a circle and jerks...jerks open their water bottles. Paul says they need to step things up a little, and Ashley's suggestion is that they all get up and go running. Yeah, babe, there's some incentive not to hit snooze and sleep late. Erik-Michael decides to pass the buck, saying he was up and ready and doesn't appreciate getting yelled at for other people's blunders. No one points out that he could've woken everyone up. "We are all a chain," Ashley says, timidly dabbling in metaphorical speech. "One weak link affects everyone." Mike pipes up, "Exactly!" so that we know Ashley's theory gels with Mike's "Reunite" mantra. In an aside, Bryan Chan speaks his mind.
Oh, you want more? Sorry -- I thought that was achievement enough. Bryan just says he agrees with Ashley, and that anyone not of the team mindset might get kicked out or replaced. Well, Ashley's safe -- his team mindset is so intense that he's worn the same fake football jersey every day so far.
Back at the house, Carrah's chirpy voice greets Paul over the red telephone. Paul's voice-over tells us she really "gives her all" to a relationship and is "very full-force," whereas Paul has more trouble with commitment. Still, when prompted, he tells her he loves her. Ikaika's voice-over proclaims his own girlfriend Malia the most beautiful girl in the world. He wants to marry her. Bryan tells Erik-Michael and Mike, "No one even knows her name because he just refers to her as 'that's my girl.'" Healthy. So Ikaika repeats her name and everyone joins in, a chorus of "Malia." Just in case we missed it the first few times: Malia = beautiful, Carrah = delusional.
As they talk, Ranger Mark walks in to round up the crew for dinner. Someone whines, "Do we really have to go?" Cut to Lou Pearlman in the kitchen, whose presence makes the gang's reluctance understandable. He's taking the cast to dinner, and we hear peppy music over a montage of clips where the guys feign camaraderie. Mike and Erik-Michael hug and walk and improvise some songs, which makes Lou laugh and look at them fondly. Ugh. All eight of the guys then walk in a line, arm in arm, with Lou in there between Bryan and Ashley. It's Posse meets the old Melrose Place credits. A glowing, garish neon sign tells us they're on Pleasure Island, the adult-oriented part of Disney World. As if to prove it is indeed pleasurable, Mike breaks into dance. Ikaika looks on, serious, perhaps intent on picking up some pointers.
Paul's trouser-radar picks up three staring women. Exercising characteristic restraint, Paul immediately approaches them and introduces them to the others as Heather, Claire and Brandi, but no one will bother remembering because all that matters is, they look easy. Greedily eyeing them, a drunk-sounding Paul says he's lucky because they're his fan club. Lou drapes an arm over Paul's shoulder and drawls, "Really?" as if to say, "Ogle me, ladies, I'm four times the man Paul is and could fit six of you in one pant-leg." They ignore him. Paul sucks on his finger then rubs his pecs, looking hungrily at the three ho-bags. Lou watches -- always the voyeur, never the stud. In ensuing scenes, lovingly patched together to spare Carrah further embarrassment, Paul basically runs around panting after the three girls and spouting things like, "Come play with us!" "You ladies look LOVELY tonight," and "Call me tomorrow," although he clearly means, "I'll get out my hammer -- we'll nail." They make plans, and he tries to get the others in on that, because they're his homies and you gots to share the booty among friends. "It's the right thing to do," agrees Wilford Brimley. Paul loops his arms around people's shoulders and goes, "It's SO all good, don't even worry about it." Erik-Michael grins; Ikaika broods.
Why do we love the Mouse? Because Disney tells us we do.
Slow guitar music brings us back to the house, where Ikaika is on the phone at 4:30 AM to his Hawaiian honey. He complains that the guys are different than anyone in Hawaii, which Malia says is cool but which Ikaika clearly hates. Clips of his three-hour conversation -- carried on underneath the desk -- include his telling her there hasn't been another remotely decent-looking girl in sight, and that he feels they should talk every day so he can "hear those words." Here's two: "Restraining order." Those are good words.
Time for dance class. The instructor, TyJuan, is a large black man who looks like a genetic cocktail of Richard Simmons and Lenny Kravitz -- wild hair and beard, and a blue bandanna around his head as a sweatband. He is splendid. TyJuan wants to work these guys hard, because singing and dancing at once without getting out-of-breath can be tricky. Ikaika says he's here to learn, so he's not gonna act like he knows how to dance. How honest of him -- stated as though the first sign of movement from him wouldn't have blown his cover. So just to make sure he sticks right out, he dons a t-shirt that says "Worst Guy" and tries getting into the groove. He fails.
The sun sets in Orlando. As Ranger Mark chauffeurs the Man Van, the cast members talk about making out and when they had their first kisses. It sounds like someone bought Small Talk for Dummies. Erik-Michael contends he doesn't remember when his first French kiss occurred -- but he recalls his first kiss was in kindergarten. Paul rules that entry out, saying it has to be a kiss with "tongue stuck down your throat." Bryan cracks up. "Heh-heh. He said 'tongue.'" Paul immediately pipes up his story: In his youth, while he was dating a girl he hadn't kissed yet, a female pal from down the road came over one afternoon to hang out and hung it all out -- she kissed him, meaning his First Kiss happened as a cheat on his girlfriend. At this point, I'd wager that the camera crew found this out earlier and arranged this little moment because it so conveniently fits the "Paul is a Rat-Bastard" theme. He was a player pre-puberty, and the cast high-fives him like it's fantastic news.
Ikaika is brooding again. Malia needs to call him, too; he can't do all the work here. He just needs that good feeling, and when he doesn't get it, he panics. Hey Ikaika -- you came here to grow independent, not co-dependent. His roommate Bryan is lying in bed listening, trapped. "Just call her," he says, hoping to end the conversation. Ikaika clutches his guitar like Linus holds his blanket.
Paul calls Carrah, and she's in his car. On his cell phone. He probably just called to check messages, and Nosy Parker answered the phone. She squeaks a shrill "Hi!" and the neighborhood dogs all start chasing the car. The couple commence baby-voice conversation, in which Carrah tells Paul a girl named Shannon from California called him. Paul tells her Shannon's just a friend, and don't be suspicious, and as Carrah acts worried Paul kicks Mike under the desk. Mike, seated at the computer, turns and holds out his fist, which Paul taps with his own fist. Is this an appropriate time to reunite, Mike? Is that what you're saying? He doesn't reply, and just taps away at the keyboard, never pressing the space bar. Carrah says that Paul's mom rearranged his room, and she went over to look for photos of the two of them, and found a manila envelope with other pictures in it and some letters from Shannon saying, "Why don't you love me any more?" Paul says there's an explanation -- he was only in California for two days, and Shannon "had issues." Brilliant! Case closed, then. Carrah lays it on thick, saying she trusts him and believes everything that comes out of his mouth. She is wise, if by "wise" you mean "gullible." The Worried Guitar plays and Paul, with all the smoothness of sandpaper, says, "Uh, I gotta jet soon."
Ikaika has decided: he's not going to call Malia. Bryan is in bed trying to make a noose out of the sheets as Ikaika continues to mull whether something's wrong at home. We hear a long beep, and it's Ikaika -- now he's out in the living room on the Bat Phone talking to Malia's machine. He called back because he got cut off the last time. In Hawaii, Malia considers getting her number changed.
At Trans Con, Mark's coaxing sounds from his students. He gives them a note to sing, and they try to hold it. Mike, on the low-end of the vocal range, sounds like he's mooing. "Yesss, hold it, don't just touch the note," Mark says, kicking his copy of Double Entendre and You: Partners in Freedom under his pile of sheet music. The screen splits to help segue to the dance studio, where TyJuan is teaching more strange movements, about which I will only say that Jane Fonda should sue for copyright infringement. There is much sweat. The producers want us to see that it's Hard Work, not just a free house and national media attention....
...but, since the cameras are there, might as well take advantage. Paul and Jacob are in the bathroom, shirtless and shaving. Paul's selectively shearing his face, saying he's "leaving a little shadow for the ladies." Quite, because that's all it takes to bag a babe. Jacob and I share a laugh. Meanwhile, Ikaika and his nude torso pump some iron while his voice-over informs us he's a loner. In a scene at the kitchen sink, Mike tells Ikaika he has to hang out with them outside work, but Ikaika declines. An unintelligible phrase follows, after which Ikaika says, "Show me the meaning of being lonely, dude." Reading my mind, Mike shrieks, "What the hell you talkin' about? Shut up. Don't get all deep and meaningful on me, bro." But Kaia (a.k.a. Tetanus Girl) from The Real WorldHawaii, the queen of pseudo-profundity, nods and applauds and equates Ikaika with Truth. For good measure, Ikaika repeats himself -- "Show me the meaning of being lonely" -- and turns back to the sink. "Tell me why," he sings, thisclose to being on-key, "I live with a bunch of slobs." As they prepare to go out, Trevor brats to Ikaika that he should sweep the foosball room, for 'tis dusty. I pray Ikaika will take the broom and hit Trev in the Penick, but he doesn't. Then, mid-vacuum, the machine starts smoking and Ikaika (back in his "Worst Guy" shirt) turns it off. Jacob laughingly orders him never to vacuum again, and Ikaika looks close to tears so he runs off to get the door when the bell tolls. It tolls for Paul -- five hussies are here, and as Ikaika looks astonished, Paul leaps up to greet them. "Ikaika -- I think we're corrupting him," grins Jacob in an aside, noting Ikaika's not comfortable because it's such a different lifestyle. Apparently, groups don't go out at night in Hawaii unless Ruthie's there to lead them.
Ikaika refuses to go out. These guys just aren't his cup of pineapple juice. No one bothers to invite Bryan or ask why he isn't coming, so he's alone and held captive to Ikaika's wailing about missing Malia. Bryan mixes a cyanide cocktail. The fun they're missing: Paul teaching the honeys to say "Yo yo yo yo, what up, G?" He teases one girl with a cherry, then feeds it to her after she fellates it. Because you know, he really loves Carrah. Really.
"I don't like the way they vibe," complains Ikaika in his room. "I'm glad I'm rooming with you, dude." Bryan looks shell-shocked and doesn't reciprocate, possibly because he's too busy sharpening the razor blades. In an Orlando parking lot, Jacob and Mike have somehow acquired a giant bag of what appears to be Styrofoam peanuts. Yeah, that's easy to get at night -- does the camera crew carry props, or something? They dump it on Paul. Raucous fun! Meanwhile Ikaika is telling a helpless Bryan that his "life so far has culminated to finding a sense of balance [sic], then I come here" -- like someone dragged him -- "and sit with a bunch of jokesters" who cheat on their ladies. He says Paul supposedly cheated on Carrah the night (Where were the damn cameras THEN, huh??) and Bryan listens, then grabs his pistol for a friendly solo game of Russian Roulette. Ikaika says he might quit even if he gets picked because he doesn't want to spend two years or so with these guys. Two years? Clearly he doesn't think O-Town is a band for the ages.
At dance rehearsal, Trevor tells us no one is thinking of this as a competition, but they just don't want to be one of the losers. The group splits into two factions, watching each other dance and critiquing. Ikaika's gotten better, Paul's all knees and elbows but he's the best of his group. Ashley's advice, probably to Ikaika, is not to flinch or wince when you screw up. Cheers for that, Ash. They leave, but not before the closed-captioning tells me Mike hugged TyJuan and said, "You can have some, I was just teasing." Some what? Bologna sandwiches? Tootsie rolls? Don't leave me hanging.
While the gang eats Papa John's pizza, Ikaika sits outside alone near some random white car. Ranger Mark walks up and Ikaika tells him he isn't doing too well, that he doesn't get along with the gang because they are into different stuff -- like eating pizza, apparently. Ranger Mark says Ikaika's isolating himself, and scolds him for being too focused on himself. Inside, Trevor tells the group he loves his roommates. Mike says -- but the closed-captioning folks ignore this -- that "I love our bathroom, we have all kinds of gay sex." Come on, this stuff is gold! Explain it! Can the camera crew probe Mike, please? Or maybe they already did...Ashley then says, "I love all my roommates, except for Mike," who is -- HA! -- his only roommate. Then Mike busts out with, "Yeah, like I'm gonna end up throwing you against the wall." Please do -- then you might end up on camera. Erik-Michael starts a conversation about Hollywood's hottest actresses, and Trevor jokes about pining for Gloria Stuart from Titanic. Much merriment ensues. But they do not have merriment or talk of Hollywood in Hawaii, so Ikaika stays outside crying. "I don't wanna sell out, man!" he weeps. Mark rightly points out that adapting to new places isn't betraying the homeland, and spouts promotional garbage about "eight people slammed together from eight different walks of life..." and finds four things they have in common with Ikaika, one of which is that they all eat cereal. Having earned his weekly wage, he shepherds Ikaika inside and asks Bryan to look after him.
The rest are now talking about the best actor in Hollywood, who Trevor feels has to be Denzel Washington. Ashley says Tom Hanks is the real all-star actor, and Erik-Michael thinks Jack Nicholson and Robert DeNiro are da bomb. Ikaika sits down and looks on quietly, eating pizza and feigning interest. The drama is just palpable, folks.
The McDonald's Monopoly game is back. There is nothing amusing about this; it is a crusade for me. Until it's over, I'll likely subsist only on McD's super-size diet cokes and the occasional Chicken McNugget. I will prevail.
time: The guys get in trouble with Lou and Ranger Mark; Trevor's in danger of missing the cut. And is Trevor hinting that Jacob's gay?