Previously:Everybody had to model in bathing suits on a freezing beach. Sandhurst was told he looked like an accountant. Salome, though the winner of her hundredth photo challenge, was sent home. Can we just end this now? I don't want to do this without Salome. Her butt was too big. Everybody taking a picture of it loved it, but they're no Perou, I suppose.
It's morning at the Salome-less condos across the street from my gym. The guys are trying to wake up and Sandhurst attempts some sort of nerdy accent and says, "I need to be an accountant. And do your taaaaxes." I don't know where that nerd is from. That comment from the judges last week apparently hit him hard. He says he's going to deliver this week. Jonathan finds some of Salome's belongings and is apparently grossed out by her underwear. Perhaps it's dirty, I don't know. But, for being a construction worker, I find this Jonathan character to be a bit prissy. Gloves are off, people. Branden says he's excited that Salome is gone because now maybe he'll have a chance to win a photo challenge. Fair, but don't push it. Jonathan says that all of the "whiners" are gone now and it's down to four people, a "family," who want to be there more than anything else in the world. Did Salome whine? These people just hate Mennonites. Poor form, models. They joke about Mountaha having to cook, since she's the woman. She interviews that she's excited to be the last girl standing. She calls herself "Queen Mountaha" and says that she's going to win. No you're not. Seriously. Right?
They wait all day for the email about the photo challenge. The clue reads that models are hot, but now it's their chance to prove it. Mountaha is so psyched that the "crazy" thing they're doing is a night shoot. Wild, yes. They get into a car and Sandhurst asks everyone if they thought they would be in the final four. Branden says that he didn't, he underestimated himself. Queen Mountaha says she knew.
They arrive at a dark warehouse and Sandhurst thinks it's a horror movie. He's nervous because black guys always die first. They walk into the warehouse, which is still dark. Finally, this pyrotechnic stuff explodes and lights the faces of the frightened models. Branden says that he must have looked like a little girl, but he actually looks like an angel. Mountaha is the one who should feel bad. She did something with her mouth that she should never do again. But, of course, someone was shooting fire at her. Maybe she won't ever have a need for that face again.
Tyson and Nicole are there to greet the giggling models. Tyson says that they are proud of the remaining models. They introduce Clay Patrick McBride who has taken pictures of Jay-Z and worked for Rolling Stone and Revolver. He tells us that he's all about rock music and fire. Their goal is to give a compelling shot in a cyclone of fire. They will only have one chance to get the perfect shot. Then, some fire goes off behind the models, which scares them some more. Jonathan thinks that the back of his head got singed. Nicole takes Mountaha aside and tells her to be in control. Tyson advises the guys to blow Mountaha away so they can fight this out for themselves. Branden interviews that this will distinguish the men from the boys and "the woman from... the woman." College isn't in your future, is it, Branden?
They go to the changing area and a stylist says that she wants to see which of the guys will fit into a certain pair of pants. "Did someone call for a sample size?" asks Jonathan. Everyone laughs. That was pretty good. They also called for a model face, Johnny. Branden says that he's come a long way and wants to win the grand prize money. Mountaha says she loves fashion and is going to win. Can someone give this girl a little cover up when she's in an interview? She looks like my poodles just chewed on her chin.
Everybody looks like Adam Lambert. Jonathan's all in make-up and Clay says that he looks like David Bowie. He interviews that he's worried about being burnt. He'll get a countdown, then he has to nail his pose while the fire is going off. He says that he can't do one of his wacky poses and we see shots of him with his mouth opened. He wants to impress the photographer, but the judges are the ones who tell him if he's going home or not. He keeps it tame, but it looks pretty good. There's fire in front and behind him. He says that he thought about his kid and how he's a provider. He talks about that at least as much as Salome and the Mennonite stuff. I'm petitioning for a recall. Clay is really energetic. He says that Jonathan should have taken more risks. You KNOW the judges aren't going to appreciate his serenity in the photo, even though they were telling him he was over the top before. Never works that way. They'll apologize for killing his spirit then kick him off of our TV's. He's dead to me anyway. Fine.
Branden's up. He says that he's representing the US "strong and hard... well, maybe not hard." I'm not touching that... well, not that. He asks Clay if he should scream in Clay says that he shouldn't unless his screaming face is real pretty. Branden interviews that he don't give an eff, when he listens to rock music, he screams. So, he does. And, Clay is disappointed. He says that he gave him a heads up too, to no avail.
Mountaha is nervous, because of the ugliness that happened when the explosions went off before. Clay preps her and tells her that she'll have a little time to prepare. She strikes this pose with one hand near her head. Afterwards, she says it felt amazing. Clay is very happy. He describes her photo as a diva pose where she let the fire come to her.
Sandhurst says that he knows that, if he wants this modeling contract, he has to bring something "awe-inspiring." He's wearing this crazy silver top hat and purple blush. He starts gyrating his hips at the beginning of the countdown and we hear him describing it in his interview concurrently. It's super climactic. He's swinging his arms and screaming. Clay loves it. He says that Sandhurst really went for it and it paid off. He's proud to have been a part of his photo. Sandhurst says, with the help of subtitles, "In Trinidad and Tobago, we have a saying...." Then, he says the saying and they stop subtitling. I didn't really need the subtitles when he said the first part. I have no idea what the saying was. Something about poon?
The morning, Jonathan makes himself some eggs. Mountaha says that she didn't move in her photo, because she didn't want to chance it. Jonathan agrees and says that he'd rather not win the photo challenge, but still have a good picture. Sandhurst says that he moved and he seems a little nervous telling them. He says that he was trying to give the judges something they wouldn't expect. He hopes that it pays off.
Nicole arrives in a Crocodile Dundee hat with the photos. Clay chose a picture of Branden from the countdown when the fire wasn't full... and Branden wasn't screaming. He says that he's disappointed and worried. Jonathan is happy with his -- he feels like he had enough emotion in his eyes to make his safe pose compelling. Mountaha is happy with her shot; though she says that it shows her vulnerability, which I don't think is true. Sandhurst's is pretty awesome. He looks wild. His eyes seem electric. He's thrilled. Jonathan interviews that he's the guy who usually has the wild shots. He thinks that Sandhurst will have a hard time justifying his picture in front of the judges. Why? It's fire and rock n' roll. I think a sedate pose seems a little more out of place.
Here's the call from Cory! He wants to speak to... Sandhurst! Jonathan, who is getting seriously close to being catty, says that he "likes" Sandhurst's photo, but he thinks that he'll get frightened if he looks at it too long. Well, then mommy will give your binky and change your nappy, you wuss. Sandhurst didn't get a go-see, but something else. A surprise. All four of the models are booked for an assignment at Bloomingdale's, then they'll go to Cory's office. Doesn't seem quite fair that all of them win.
On the way to Bloomie's, Sandhurst says that it "honestly" feels good to have everyone going. Stephanie Solomon, the VP and Fashion Director, greets the models. She tells the models that they will be walking the floors of the store, trying to convince people to buy what they're wearing. OK, they should have tried this at Jeffrey in the Meatpacking District. I can't imagine that ANY guy there wouldn't buy what Branden told them to buy. It's real gay around there is what I'm saying. Sandhurst is worried because he wasn't good at corralling customers at Blu Dot. Stephanie tells them that Gisele, Angie Harmon, and Joy Bryant all got their starts doing the same thing. She tells them to have fun and get changed. Mountaha wears Michael Kors, Sandhurst wears Adam (love that shit), Branden wears a Hugo tux, and Jonathan wears Unruly Heir (also cool). Mountaha's dress is gorgeous. Branden's going to have a hard time getting many people to buy a tux. Right? The guy dressing him calls it a suit, so maybe he has it wrong.
The first guy Branden walks up to brushes him off. Exactly. This crowd is too UES lawyer. They hate guys like Branden. They usually come in the shape of their wives' tennis pro lovers. Nothing but hate for them. Then, he mispronounces Ferragamo. And, the guy he's trying to sell corrects him. That guy will totally buy those shoes if you press him, Branden. And, I mean literally. He interviews that he's not a good salesman. Stephanie seems to be giggling a little bit while she's watching him eff everything up.
Jonathan GETS IT. He's totally up in everybody's business and the guys love it. He directs them to the changing room and everything. He's great. Still, it's easier to sell a sweater than a suit. Mountaha has a great time too, though it looks like Stephanie had to remind her to smile. Sandhurst, bless his heart, is just too meek and well mannered for this stuff. He talks, unsuccessfully, to a Japanese tourist and beats himself up for not brushing up on his Japanese language skills.
Stephanie thanks them for their work. She tells Branden that he should know where the merchandise is located. Mountaha smiled after the one time she told her to perk it up. She appreciated the way that Sandhurst worked the room. And, Jonathan was sensational. She thinks he may have actually sold some items. In appreciation, they're all getting a Bloomie's shopping spree. They get $2000 each. Sandhurst gets $4000, since he won the challenge. That's awesome. They also get assistance from stylists at the store. Sandhurst is thrilled. He says this was the best photo challenge to win. They only have 30 minutes to shop, so they're running around. Branden gets the suit that he wore that day. Mountaha gets shoes. Jonathan gets stuff for his girl. Sandhurst gets a whole bunch of watches and stuff.
Jonathan is really proud of Branden ("the kid") for getting a suit. They ask him if he got shoes and he says that he didn't. Because, he can get a $10 pair at Sears that will look exactly the same. There's silence until Mountaha says, "Not really, Branden."
At New York Model Management, the models go to meet Cory. Sandhurst tried to get signed with them twice previously, but he feels that with his new portfolio he might be successful. Cory shows the wall of model comp cards. There's Nikki Taylor, who Cory points out was the host from last season. I didn't know we were allowed to mention her. He says that Sigrid is their hottest current face.
Cory says he has a message from Holly, last year's winner. There's a video of her where she says that she has booked fashion shows and ad campaigns in the last year. She feels like the show has definitely opened doors for her. Then, we see her in action. There's Holly getting her picture taken. Cory tells them that one of them will have the same opportunities. On the way home, Branden says he feels bad for the other models on the show who didn't get this experience. Jonathan cracks that his new clothes will help him feel better.
They all have dinner together that night and comment on how empty the condo feels. They're all nervous about the day. After everyone goes to bed, Branden practices his walk while shirtless. It is good.
Nicole and Tyson greet the models the day on the catwalk. The challenge today is to convey smooth elegance on the runway. They want James Bond and his sexy nemesis. Jonathan says he's going to fucking nail this one. Pride cometh before the elimination. The boys will be wearing Dior-inspired tuxes, while Mountaha will be wearing Catherine Malandrino. Pressure! David Ralph is back to help with their walks again. Branden goes first and grabs his lapel, which David tells him to never ever do again. He should hold his cuff instead. He seems pleased with the results. He essentially calls Sandhurst a girly dancer and tells him to man up by reminding him that he's wearing a $5000 suit. He's much stronger the time. He tells Mountaha to soften her face. She looks like "I'm wearing this instead of you." Jonathan walks like the Governor of California. He does this weird thing where he acts like his arms are so huge they can't rest at his sides. Puhleeze. He likes where Jonathan ends up.
Mountaha is wearing a brunette wig for the catwalk, which she thinks does a lot to make her more diverse for the judges. The show begins with Sandhurst, who I think looks great. Branden comes out and I think he looks effing AWESOME. Mountaha looks great, but not soft. Jonathan looks very good too. His eyebrows look a bit painted on, no?
Perou is wearing black and white cookie sunglasses. Marlon asks Jonathan about his photo. He explains that he was giving them the variety that they were asking for, though Jenny does partially say that bullshit, "I know we were saying this, but we weren't saying it." Marlon says that he's fine with the photo and Perou snaps that fine is not ENOUGH FOR A SUPERMODEL. However, he had a "flashback" and thought that his runway was like seeing the "real James Bond." Use your words, Perou. The ones that make sense. He thought Jonathan's catwalk was the best. Catherine really liked Branden on the catwalk. She thinks he's very fresh -- nothing classic about him. Perou asks him if he knows who Billy Idol is and he asks if he's a country singer. Probably not a bad comeback idea for ole Idol, but no. Well, Perou thinks he's making a Billy Idol face in his photograph. They tell him that he looked horrible in his screaming photos. But, he thought his catwalk was a vast improvement. Jenny thinks it's too late in the game to be "improving." She thinks he should have had an amazing photo and catwalk. Marlon tells Mountaha that she looks beautiful with the long hair and Jenny adds that the ability to transform is key for a supermodel. Now, the bad news. Perou thinks she made a mistake by standing still in her photo. He says a photographer might as well hire mannequins. However, Jenny says that she got lucky and her photo is very good. Catherine didn't like her walk -- it was stiff and broken. Ouch. Mountaha looks bruised and worried. Perou loves Sandhurst's photo and the fact that he took the judges' advice. However, he notes that Sandhurst didn't follow the photographer's direction. Sandhurst replies that he was angry about criticism and just wanted to release himself. Perou agrees. Sandhurst showed the director something that he didn't know he wanted which is, by definition in the fashion dictionary, really great modeling. Catherine felt that his catwalk was too generic. She reminds them that their dream should be to open or close a show.
Tyson says that the guys are all really strong. Nicole rallies for Mountaha and says that she has listened to all advice and has a unique look. It's time for the judges to jam. Jenny says that it's hard to send anyone home, since they're all talented. They all seem to like Sandhurst, though his runway doesn't get any raves. Perou thinks that Jonathan blew the photo shoot. Catherine thinks that he needs more instinct, which Marlon translates as "less English." Perou takes offense and says that his catwalk was great. They agree that Branden's photo is no good, but Jenny, Marlon, and Catherine give him credit for trying. Jenny thinks his failure was a sign of youth. Perou still doesn't seem to like him. Catherine says that, if they are trying to build a supermodel, Branden's learning curve is a great sign. Perou doesn't like Mountaha's photo, because she was so convinced that her pose was so great and only gave the photographer one photo. Catherine actually says that she was embarrassed by her walk! Double ouch. Marlon says that she has grown a lot, and Catherine concedes that she has a memorable face.
The judges are back. Sandhurst is the winner! Tyson says that Jonathan looks like a moneymaker, but he's passionless. But, he's a finalist. It's down to Branden and Mountaha. She's already crying. Tyson grabs a book. Mountaha has improved, but can she improve further? Branden has natural talent and enthusiasm, but he needs maturity. Branden is... SAFE!!! Queen Mountaha's mouth drops open in shock and she starts bawling. Perou actually seems upset to see her crying. The guys are shocked and excited to see Branden. Tyson tells her to keep her chin up and she leaves. She interviews that modeling is everything to her and she's shocked by this outcome. She crouches to the floor and LOSES IT. Jonathan tries to console her but backs off. It's really uncomfortable. And, that's where we leave our Queen. Heh.
Jeff Long is wondering which Sears carries the $10 Ferragamo's. He can be reached at jeff.long75@gmail.com.