Previously: The models had to dress up like candy and really be the candy. Tabatha was brought in to consult with the models on their looks. She made Jonathan cut his hair and she made CJ become a brunette. No one could have known how much CJ was attached to that blonde hair of hers. Branden won immunity. Nicole nailed CJ for having a "fuck you" attitude and Perou really hates Gabe. But, it was Chris who was sent home.
On the credits, they tell us that Tabatha is sitting in for Catherine Malandrino this week. Hmm, it doesn't take a lot for this show to lose its legitimacy. In fact, it takes exactly as much as Catherine Malandrino not being on it. Jenny Shimizu has some cache, but she's been away for years. Perou? Not doing it for me. Frankly, Marlon could be the most successful version of his kind of person in the world and it'd make no difference to me. I'm not really familiar with that many model managers/scouts.
It's morning and it appears that many of the models are slumbering in a starfish formation. Half nekkid Sandhurst and Laury "find" on the computer monitor a notice that says they will be picked up at 9:30am for their shoot. "Don't miss the bus!" The screensaver is a picture of Shawn with his arm around Branden. Laury is all "What the hell?" about riding a bus. There are apparently no buses in Miami. Welcome to New York, Laury. Of course, I'd lived here for half a decade before I ever rode one of the buses. They wake up the others because they are already dangerously close to being late. Branden slept with a facial mask on. Someone points out that this is odd, but I guess when you're 18, your skin can deal with being slathered in the equivalent of toothpaste for 8 or so hours. Seriously, have you ever done that before? It makes your skin so dry.
While Kerryn is in the bathroom, Gabe waits outside in the teensiest underwear. Where did this kid come from? Where did he learn to be naked all of the time? Maybe it was heaven. Salome and Jordan express that they are sad about the night's elimination. Jordan interviews that Chris was crying about leaving while CJ doesn't even seem to really care. Colin says that the elimination was "dramatic." He thinks that CJ's negative attitude is coming back to haunt her-- everyone's giving her the model evil eye, which is predictably sexy. CJ interviews that it's difficult to be comfortable when everyone hates you. Try not being so easy to hate? Gabe is still waiting in his underwear. So tiny, these underwears.
The models find a yellow school bus waiting to take them to their shoot. We get wonky reality music letting us know that this is the craziest thing ever. Colin says that he hasn't been on a school bus since 6th grade. He must be having wedgie flashbacks right now. Once on board, CJ stares out the window while the others discuss the possibilities. Gabe deadpans in his interview that the school bus means they will be working with children and hates children. Kidding! He only hates them a little bit. Okay, that was kind of funny. More of that, please. And, some facial expressions, Gabe. Please.
They reach a high school football field. Salome is immediately like "I'm screwed." Shawn might as well be Mennonite for all that he knows about football. We see a team practicing on the field, and suddenly we realize how vulnerable our beautiful models are. No one hurt them. No errant tackles or misthrown balls. Tyson enters on one of those things that football players push to make them good at pushing. The players are pushing him. He blows a whistle like a coach. He joins Nicole on the field. She's wearing a super short dress and a letterman jacket that is hanging off of one shoulder. She looks oddly like Kelly Kapowski right now.
Tyson tells the models that they are going to be working with Justin Steele, top sports photographer. Justin tells the models that groups of them will be hanging from this crane, where they will be forced to create dynamic, sporty poses. Sandhurst says that he's thinking about The Matrix and already has the moves in mind that he wants to perform. That's not a sport, it's a movie. Nicole reminds the models that they are to convey beauty while being all sporty. That could actually be difficult. Amanda says that she's confident because she comes from a family of athletes and was in the Junior Olympics herself. The Junior Olympics have always confused me, seeing as there are really young people in the actual Olympics sometimes. Are they like the Golden Globes to the Academy Awards? Branden says that Nicole must have been the hottest girl in school. Duh. Nicole is the hottest girl anywhere she goes. As Justin starts grouping the models together, Jonathan says that he's anxious to see who gets CJ, seeing as she has been the source of recent drama. Jordan interviews that she was praying that she wouldn't get CJ in her group. God likes her. Jonathan and Gabe get her, which is probably for the best, because I'm assuming that they'll be the most mature about working with the cold fish. Mountaha giggles and says that Jonathan and Gabe want to kill themselves right now. I'm not sure, but I have a feeling that CJ can hear them, which makes this challenge even more high school.
Everybody gets fitted with harnesses and sporty clothing. Shawn, Salome, and Mountaha are first. Salome points out that with her being Mennonite, Shawn being a homo and Mountaha being Brazilian, they're feeling "Eek!" But, it's pretty, flying-in-the-air football. This should be doable. But, it isn't. People jerk their harnesses from pulleys and it looks kinda painful. Salome looks completely out of her element. Shawn just looks unimpressive, which I'm afraid is his lot in this competition. He just doesn't do anything for me at all. Justin even has to ask him to be more masculine. Now, if there were ever a time to turn your man pants on, wouldn't it be in the football photo challenge? To have to be told that anyway is just lame. Of course, it might be more difficult when you're playing with girls in shiny pants. At one point, Salome gets smacked in the face, but she's a good sport (heh) and says that they should continue. Afterwards, Shawn interviews that it was a team effort, and they bombed (but as a team!). Jordan is observing and says to Sandhurst that she thinks a lot of people are going to "struggle" with the challenge. He replies, "Way to be bitchy," which is both exactly what I'm feeling about her and also completely passive-aggressive (in that way where he's making her feel like a bad person for judging, gossiping, etc.). Well done. She shoots back that he has to be thinking the same thing as her.
Colin and Branden are and they're awesome. So, Branden's going to win this, right? I mean, the whole show. Their sport is rugby, which seems perfect for Colin. I know it's a rough game, but you still get your fair share of pantywaist preppy boys playing it, ala Alex P. Keaton in Family Ties Vacation. Branden says that he got punched in the face three times during the shoot. "I'm a model, but please don't break my face, Colin," he says in his interview. "But"? Come on, these guys are models. If anyone should get to redo a few lines in their interview, I think we know who should get that chance. Afterwards, Colin has red marks on his torso, I guess from the harness. Branden tells the crew that he knows what it feels like to have a baby, for "Down in this area, it's hurtin'." Perhaps "Lamaze coach" can be your post-modeling job.
Amanda, Kerryn and Laury are . Their sport is field hockey. Nicole gives them a wan pep talk telling them that athletes have stamina and endurance. Laury butts in and tells them that they have to be fearless. She's kind of bossy about it but it seems to help everyone. She interviews that, if she looks better in the photo than Amanda and Kerryn, that's their problem. Put your matches away, Laury, no one's asking for any drama here. Kerryn says that she was expecting to feel more confident at this point in the competition, but being around all of the beautiful people in the house has taken its toll. Kerryn has a weird way of talking like her lips contain magnets that repel each other. They start shooting and it goes really well. Colin points out that Laury looks "hardcore" and her movement is muscular and fluid. Nicole praises them as they're shooting. They're really going for it. At one point, Nicole tells Amanda that she looks amazing. Amanda interviews that she gave it her all in the challenge and that, even if she doesn't win, she'll have no regrets. Justin interviews that both Amanda and Laury were very strong. Laury walks away from the crane with her full ass hanging out. I'm not sure what's happening right there. She interviews that she will be expecting a call from Cory the morning.
Nicole tells Karen she's fading into the middle of the group. She wants more from her. Karen tells us that she has wanted to model since she was 7 years old. Her younger brother has recently died, which reminded her that life is short, and you don't want to have regrets. Well, to be fair to life, it's not usually that short. She's in a group with Sandhurst and Jordan -- also field hockey. Sandhurst and Jordan go head to head. He interviews that she is his biggest competition, so he's glad that they get to work together. Now, he thinks that people will see that he's better than her. Laury interviews that Sandy wants this as much as she does. Seriously, do these kids have some sort of bar graph with the levels of people's want? They keep quantifying that shit. Justin says that Sandhurst was very powerful and the challenge was pairing him with someone as strong. Afterwards, Jordan jokes that Sandhurst was "in his element." He replies that he wants to win. I like that these two are developing a faux-friendly passive-aggressive thing. A lot of good could come from it.
Tyson is tossing a football with Gabe when he asks him what he'll be bringing new to the competition this week. Gabe says that he'll bring intensity, but Tyson says they need more. He reminds him that his smile lights up the room. The guy should just smile, right? Tyson shows Gabe a quick "action pose" and asks him for one of his own while lightly tossing the football to him. He drops the football. Tyson warns Gabe that he will be going home this week if he doesn't mix it up. Gabe interviews that it's nice to have Tyson around for advice and he plans to give 110% in the challenge. He will leave blood on the field, if necessary. Heard it before, Gabe. His group's sport is football. Jonathan is wearing shoulder pads over his bare torso. Sweet Jesus. Okay, I think Tabatha made a mistake with CJ's hair. The old look was bland, but this was not the way to go. Everybody gathers to watch them shoot, in order to make fun of CJ. Colin says that she looks like "a wet noodle in a harness." She interviews that she doesn't show her feelings to everyone. Try just showing them to photographers and people watching runway shows, then. She knows that everyone thinks she's a bitch, and they're all talking smack about her. She says she doesn't care, but she does. Justin says that CJ needed to keep her body up in more of the shots. He liked Jonathan's work, but says that Gabe kept blocking his own light.
Nicole is talking to the group of models watching the CJ group. She asks them for gossip, which I'm assuming was an entirely spontaneous urge. There's no way a producer told her to ask for the gossip. Nicole is just incredibly interested in these people. Like all incredibly hot models on TV, she just wants to know more about these nobodies that she's had the privilege to cross paths with. There's a dramatic pause as she gets ready for all of this knowledge that she's craving. She'll have to wait for the commercials, though.
We're back and they all rat out CJ, like she shot their dog or something. Amanda says that CJ is "disrespectful to the people who are trying to help her be a better model." Seriously? That bothers you? Amanda is getting on my nerves. Karen interviews that, since CJ isn't winning anything, she doesn't understand why everyone's wasting their energy talking shit about her. Exactly. Nicole tells them essentially that they should get over themselves and try to be nice to her. "Just some life advice." Excellent. Kerryn interviews that CJ didn't make it easy to be nice to her today -- she needs to open up or some shit like that.
Back at the apartment, everyone's buzzing about the shoot. Jordan tells Shawn that she doesn't think she'll win the challenge, but she thinks she did well enough to be safe. Amanda is talking to Karen about who could potentially win the shoot. She's such a pill. She says that she wants to be in the top-- to show that she's competition. She interviews all weepy that she wants this more than anyone. Since she left her kid, she wants her time away from him to be worthwhile.
CJ calls her dad, who seems many times friendlier than his daughter. She mentions her "social malfunctioning" to him and he seems to recognize what she's talking about. He tells her to relax and try to have a good time. Good advice. She interviews that she is actually a friendly person, but it takes her a while to warm up. That sucks for her. CJ, in the words of our poet laureate, "You only get one shot, don't miss your chance to blow. This opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo."
Gabe and Amanda are flirting in the living room and kitchen. He interviews that there is a physical attraction between them and that she's a "good girl." Salome tells Amanda that Gabe said that she was "so fucking hot." Amanda says that she salsa danced with Gabe and became flustered. I call bullshit. Amanda's just looking for screen time. She interviews that Gabe has a crush on her and we'll "see what happens."
The morning, at breakfast, Branden asks Colin if he has seen the film 40-Year Old Virgin. He brought it on himself. Dude cannot stop talking about his cherry. Sandhurst jokes that the whole premise that someone could reach that age as a virgin was just... he doesn't finish. Kerryn is now clearly hot for Colin and I think it's genuine, though maybe indicative of something weird that's missing from her life and I won't think too hard about. I seriously think maybe she's just turned on by the whole v-card thing. She interviews that when you think about Colin, you think about Superman. She says she'd love to be Lois Lane. Cute. At the table, she says that Colin may not hand in his card while on the show, but he'll be "ready" when he leaves. He dryly says that he can't wait. She adds that she's getting him used to touch. Sandhurst asks him how that made him feel and he replies, "Dirty." Heh.
Nicole arrives and passes out the photos. Branden and Colin love theirs. Laury says that she outshined Amanda. Shawn and Salome are embarrassed by their results. Gabe hates his photo -- he interviews that he's sure there were better photos of him and Jonathan that CJ looked like shit in. It's like Communism. That is amazing. Now, I need Gabe to stay. Cory calls for... commercials!
Amanda wins the challenge! Her go-see is at Bloomingdale's. That's shitty. They're looking for an all-American look. She chooses ("someone who's really trying in this competition") Kerryn to go with her. Nicole asks if everyone thinks that Amanda's photo was the best, better known as throwing chum to the sharks. Laury says that Amanda's "photo" was the best, but Amanda wasn't the best. Who was the best? Laury was the best, says Laury. She's sorry to sound like a bitch. Are you really? She interviews that she is not sorry. Nicole tells her that she did a good job of recreating an athlete, but she didn't look pretty. The photographer could have just gotten an athlete. Ouch. Laury's not hearing that.
Nicole leaves. Amanda talks too much. She's all whining about how she won, then had it taken away. Kerryn and Salome comfort her. She tells Jordan that people didn't think that she was a threat until just now. Of course, Jordan leaps on that in her interview. She really hates Amanda. After Amanda and Kerryn leave for the go-see, Jordan tells Sandhurst and Gabe that Amanda said, "Everyone thinks I'm a threat now and that's why they're mad at me." Hmm, that's not what we heard. It doesn't sound implausible, but that's not what she said.
Oh my God, Amanda cannot stop talking about herself. She also has the most Impressionistic approach to grammar that I've heard in a while. "American-wise, us two are the most American-looking in the house." Roller coaster of words! She talks to Kerryn about being a single mom and how much she has riding on all of this. So, like a normal person, Kerryn asks her how she's dealing with being away from the kid, and she says she doesn't want to talk about it. So, she interviews about how she's all afraid her kid won't recognize her. There might be a problem with those new sassy bangs, but good riddance! That means he gets new sexy mommy! Upgrade!
At the go-see, Kerryn walks. They don't feel like she "owned" the dress she was wearing. They think that Amanda has a lot of potential, but they don't feel comfortable booking her right then. Kerryn is bummed, but makes it about Amanda on the ride back. That girl is sweet. I do have a problem with the lip thing, but she's a sweet girl. They're back at the apartment. Wait a second. They're in Fort Greene, in Brooklyn. They're staying at the new condos across the street from my GYM. Thank JESUS I never saw one of those models working out at the same time as me. That's why I live in Brooklyn, for fuck's sake. No one should have to work out at the same time as models. Soap actors are bad enough.
Jonathan and CJ are hanging out on her bunk bed, and she says that they should make a game. She interviews that she wants to make the list of things she doesn't like shorter. Bless her heart. Sounds like she's just kind of a dark person and doesn't like to be that way. Good luck. Luckily, there is a closet full of props to facilitate their game. They're going to have a goofy photo shoot. Didn't they do this in the seminal '90s film threesome? Or something similar? Or was it With Honors? They all wear goofy wigs and boas and take a bunch of photos. They're in a pyramid and Jonathan asks if the girls have being eating bricks. Yay for more body hatred!! Branden says that CJ was having a really good time and is becoming less bitchy. Gabe shows up in more teensy underwear. Branden says that he's always in his underwear. And? Gabe interviews that it's important to have fancy underwear -- to convey the different parts of your personality. He's brave enough to jump rope in his underwear. Colin interviews that Gabe is one of the best-looking guys there, but isn't showing a lot of versatility. He wants Gabe to go home before he starts clicking, because then it's over.
Amanda and Kerryn come in and Amanda starts yammering about the go-see. Branden asks Kerryn how she did and she doesn't let on that she's disappointed. Amanda, after apparently having been briefed that someone else spent the day with her, interviews that Kerryn was very upset about the go-see and needs to do well on the catwalk the day. In an intimate moment, she tells Colin that she lost her confidence at the go-see. She interviews that she is actually very good and we're just not seeing it right now. Then, she cuddles up and hugs on Colin and says, "Love you." Love you! He actually looks so awkward and uncomfortable right now.
The day, at the catwalk, Nicole and Tyson mention that a guy hasn't won a photo challenge yet. They tell the designers that they will be wearing designs inspired by Alessandro Dell' Acqua. It's sporty architectural underwear. I like it already. Also, they will have to strike a statuesque athletic pose at the end of the catwalk. Nicole says that they can have a great walk that is ruined by their pose. Scary! Gabe interviews that he needs to improve on the catwalk.
Some of the guys are wearing codpieces. Colin jokes that he's going to mark this special day in his calendar-- the day of his first codpiece. He looks so smoking right now. Karen says she's worried about freezing in front of the judges. Salome is also freaked. She knows nothing about sports. She says she's bowled twice and that's it. That's funny.
The show begins with Brandon. He's wearing this Equus-looking skeletal frame on his upper body. He doesn't have a codpiece. His pose is a boxer and it's good. Here's Gabe. His body is fan-freaking-tastic. His walk is shit, though, and he does a baseball pitch for his pose that's completely lame. CJ is and looks pretty hot. She does an archer's pose that is pretty controlled. I think it looks good.
Here's Kerryn. She looks AMAZING. She looks so hot right now. She does a shot put or something and it looks really good, though part of her outfit blocks her face. Colin is . I think maybe he's taking Cory's advice and working out a bit, yes? Please do not do that working out across the street from your apartment, Colin. Well, I guess Colin I could deal with. Jonathan and Gabe and Sandhurst -- I will kill you. Colin does a discus throw or something, and it looks pretty good. Here's Laury. She does a backbend that's pretty impressive. Mountaha does a yoga pose or something that's pretty interesting. Shawn does a kung-fu move that's effective. Jordan does an archer's pose. It's okay. Here's Karen. She does a track lunge as her pose and turns on the Manson lamps. Geez. Her stare is unnerving. Jonathan is with a codpiece. He does a cricket move as his pose and it looks terrific. Salome seriously acts like she's bowling. It's amazingly bad, but still amazing. You kind of have to love her. Sandhurst does something dance-y but not really sporty. He interviews that he couldn't let the dramatic costume go to waste. He had to pull out some moves. I find that endearing. Amanda's walk is okay, but she throws a horseshoe or something for her pose and it's really weird.
After the show, Tyson says some were good and some were bad. He introduces Marlon, Jenny, Perou and Tabatha. Jonathan, Amanda, Gabe, Sandhurst, Salome, Karen and Kerryn are the top and bottom. Everyone else leaves. Marlon tells Salome that she sucked. She says that she didn't know anything about sports, but Perou tells her that her background is irrelevant. Well, sure, but she's just telling the truth. I hate Perou. Jenny compliments Jonathan on not letting his codpiece wear him. He says that the codpiece gave him the cricket pose idea (they wear them in cricket). Perou praises the pose for giving them something to look at other than the codpiece. Freudian perhaps, Perou? Marlon liked Amanda's photo, but didn't love the runway work. Perou says that she's middle-of-the-road. Tabatha loved Sandhurst's elegance. Perou thought his pose was balletic, which was a little confusing. Marlon breaks it to Karen that she bit it. Perou says that she looked frightened during her pose, which she says she didn't realize she was doing. Tabatha says that she actually looked like she was on wires in her photo, which is pretty damning, wouldn't you say? Also, she says that Karen is very forgettable. Marlon loved Kerryn. Jenny liked that Kerryn was playful during her pose. She says that she's working on her confidence, and Jenny and Perou say that it shows. Gabe is in trouble. They say that he looks awkward in his photo. He replies that CJ was in his group and sucked. Tabatha thinks it's a shame that he felt the need to "throw someone else under the bus." I thought maybe we'd escape that stupid cliché on this show. Jenny says that Gabe has a great body, but all she sees is his attitude. Ouch. Nicole says that Salome can learn from the criticism she got. Tyson sticks up for Gabe and says that he wasn't that bad.
Perou wants to get rid of Gabe -- he's irritated. Marlon thinks he has potential. He thinks that Karen has only been adequate before and was poor this week. Perou is stunned that she didn't realize she was giving a crazy face on the runway. I want my laptop wallpaper to be a shot of that pose. Perou says that he didn't like Salome's excuses. They feel like Sandhurst has hit a plateau. They feel like Kerryn had the sexiest walk, though Jonathan was super-solid. Perou says "Let's go and sack them off," and, for a brief glorious moment, I thought this was an entirely different sort of show.
Tyson has the results. Amanda and Sandhurst are safe. The immunity winner is... Kerryn. She and Jonathan leave the catwalk. He tells Salome to be consistent-- but she's safe. Backstage, they ask her what happened and she replies, "I kind of suck." It's down to Gabe and Karen. He tells Gabe that he's boring the judges. He tells Karen that the judges don't know who she is, and she seems empty on the runway. This is Gabe's last warning, he says. Karen starts to cry as he tells her that they can't make her a supermodel. "I'm sorry, baby," he says as she walks away. That's sweet. She interviews that she was surprised, because she thought other people didn't want this as much as she did. Goodbye, Karen. May your future stares be less terror-inducing.
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Jeff Long does not know what childbirth feels like, aside from what it feels like to be the child. He can be reached at jeff.long75@gmail.com.