Previously: Colin, our 21-year old virgin, almost got sent home because of his lack of modeling experience. More importantly, he was almost sent home for his inability to imitate what actual modeling experience would have provided. He's in college, too. Salome won the photo challenge. Jordan won the runway competition and immunity. Beefy and boring Ken was sent home.
The models are waking at 8am. The models apparently went to bed before finding out who won and lost the runway competition, so they discuss that Ken was sent home and Jordan won immunity. Someone congratulates Jordan. She interviews that she knows "a lot of people were surprised" that she won. No one seems that surprised. Amanda says that she thought Sandhurst was going to win, and maybe she's being passive-aggressive, but that's not a lot of people. It's weird to have a chip on your shoulder about WINNING.
Later, Colin is nervously practicing his walk, and Branden is overseeing. Seriously, he's a med student. Can't walk. All I can say is, if Dr. Freaking Oz can't convince you to get a second opinion, this should. And, if this doesn't convince you? You'll wish you'd listened to me when you wake up with one leg after a simple tonsillectomy. Colin says that he'll just have to "prepare" more, because he doesn't want to be in the bottom again. He says to Branden that "this is hard." Second opinion.
Shirtless and sleepy-eyed Jonathan walks to a computer and sees a prompt that tells them where to go for the photo challenge. That's kind of a clunky device-- it looks like a PDF or something open on the monitor, so it's not some sort of IM that popped up on his screen. His "discovery" of the invitation doesn't make sense. Granted, it's only on second viewing that I get that. The first was about his abs. Jesus. Amanda, who is apparently a "Hypnosis Assistant" in Oregon, says that she's excited and scared for the photo challenge. Since the first challenge was dangling nearly naked in a Plexiglas box, she wonders what the challenge could be. Fingers crossed that it's more nudity.
On the way to the shoot location, they come upon a trail of candy. They arrive at Ghost Studios to find Tyson and Dixie Carter circa 1977. Wait, that's some other lady with a wide-brimmed hat. Sorry for the false Carter alarm there. Shit, that's Nicole. I thought it was just some crazy stylist or something hanging out in a hat. She doesn't say a word. Tyson says that, as a supermodel, you are sometimes asked to transform yourself physically and mentally. Sounds rigorous. They will have to do that today. He introduces Suza Scalora, a photographer whose work has appeared in Elle and GQ. Her stuff does look pretty familiar. It's really graphic work with stuff glued to the models. It might be familiar because a lot of photographers do this sort of thing right now.
Suza comes out and tells the models that they will be made into candy. They have to use their face and emotions to really embody the candy. For those who can't walk, this will be more difficult than it seems. Then, there is the most amazing sequence of body painting. Models are beautiful. Branden agrees with me. He says that the memory of all of the girls walking around in panties and pasties will be the fodder for some really great "dreams." Something tells me Branden won't be asleep when recalling those memories. While on the subject of Branden, he is, while seemingly as dumb as a box of dummies, what I would imagine would be created if you mixed butter and light brown sugar and packed it into the shape of a hot boy. Which is more of a pastry than a candy. Branden voices his disappointment that CJ kept holding her "boobie wa-wa's" (clinical term), because "damn." They really are pretty beautiful.
The most interesting thing about this whole segment is finding out that models find other models hot. It shouldn't be so surprising. Shawn comments that the transformation was "a hot mess." I think he means that literally. He comments that Jonathan is a hot man. And, yes. But both of them are married, so... Shawn bores me. Colin is made up as chocolate, and Kerryn flirts with him by saying she's going to lick it off of him, which totally flusters him. He tells us that he was captain of his academic team and never got much attention from girls. Funny, the girls on my academic team were freaking rock star partiers. Oh, by the way, Colin has never stuck it in. He can't stop telling us.
Salome looks amazing. She's pretty surprised when she sees the make-up. She says that she was fine with the process -- because their nipples were covered. The whole philosophy of what makes a boob exposed is so weird to me. I'm looking at her entire breast right now. Eff the nipple. She says that her only restriction was that no candy be placed on her "va-jay-jay." I lose a little respect for people when they use that word. It hasn't been cool or funny since 2006. We're moving on. Her delivery was kinda funny, though.
Jesus, hot models everywhere. Gabe makes a joke (?) about being used as a blank canvas. He's such a flat personality. I know this reasoning is too often invoked in regards to models, but I seriously as fuck think it's because dude is starving to death. He is one missed late-afternoon snack from the trapped-in-the-Andes level of starving. Amanda tells him that she'll use him, then interviews that he looks amazing. Get it, Amanda! She says that it's nice to have eye candy. Candy!
Gabe is up first and he's embodying a Pixie Stick. He sucks. He's so flat and dull. Hot as shit, but dull. At one point, he asks Suza which of two looks she prefers and, I swear to God, they are the same blank stare. She tells him that it's not "picking up." That's pretty diplomatic. He interviews that he really didn't get into the character and is disappointed in his performance in front of the cameras. Mountaha is also a Pixie Stick. She comments on her appearance in the monitor, and Suza smacks her down and tells her to be "present." She looks amazing. Salome is and rocks the shit as yet another Pixie Stick. Suza seems to love it. She says that she was totally into the character.
Chris has to embody sprinkles and is not very good. Suza has to tell him, like, eight times to lower his freaking chin. I have no clue what he was thinking. He interviews, whilst we see him floundering in front of the camera, that he loves modeling. His dream is to see a billboard of himself plastered above a street. Suza say that Chris was stiff and she had to give him tons of direction. Kerryn is also sprinkles and seemed to do well.
While Laury is having her make-up done, she tells us that she once ate so much rock candy that it made her sick. That should really give her a lot of material for her performance as rock candy. Getting sick from rock candy apparently makes her feel real sexy when she's having her picture taken as rock candy. Shawn is also rock candy.
Karen is made up as chocolate and isn't sure how to embody it, since chocolate doesn't "do anything." If she'd only been transformed into a much more active Twizzler. Seriously, Karen. She strikes an Egyptian goddess pose in front of the camera and Suza likes it. She adds a cherry to the mix and seems to really like the results. Colin looks like a corpse. Suza tells him to loosen up and the music gets really serious. Colin interviews that this is a learning process. Suza says she was disappointed in his performance -- he's stiff and doesn't have any body-awareness. She ends the shoot abruptly and Colin says that he's sweating it. He doesn't want to get sent home.
Sandhurst interviews that, with the beautiful naked women around, you have to protect against boners. He giggles about it, but is honestly fairly professional about it. Unlike, Gabe, who I think popped another one when he was getting his make-up done. Sandhurst is embodying gumballs and Suza picks up immediately that he's a dancer. She loves him. He looks amazing, too. CJ is a gumball, as well, and looks great. She has a kind of nasty attitude about it, though. She is uncomfortable with direction and interviews that she has a problem trying new things, because she doesn't want to look stupid. I forget that she's 18.
Amanda is a lollipop and does really well. Jonathan is a lollipop, too. He uses a prop lollipop, and Suza likes that he took the initiative. Sandhurst tells Jordan, who is painted as a candy cane, that she looks sexy, for a candy cane. Branden is also a candy cane and goes first. He looks freaky and Suza loves it. He looks like an edible A Clockwork Orange. Suza loves Jordan, as well. She says that Jordan really "brought it." Jordan says that, though she has immunity, she wanted to rock the challenge.
Colin is still practicing his walk. It's not getting any better. Chris and Shawn are giving each other manicures. They both interview that they like the other one a lot-- they are our gay crew. Sweet. In the other room, Branden is telling Sandhurst and Jordan that he's uncomfortable around gay people. Luckily, working in fashion is a great way to get away from them. Sandhurst asks him why that is, and Branden says that something happened to him when he was young. And, he grew up without a father in his house. That sucks. He interviews that the guys in the house have given him a new perspective, though. Suddenly, in the other part of the room, CJ is walking on Amanda's back and Amanda is screaming. Jordan tells them that they're interrupting a conversation and they leave. They're all pissed off that Jordan was all uppity with them. They were having a serious conversation, though. I feel like Jordan was honoring Branden's revelation more than she was just taking the opportunity to rag on two of the girls.
Nicole enters with the results from the photo shoot. Salome thinks that everyone has upped their game already. Gabe is really disappointed in his photo. Sandhurst likes his picture and whisper-chants in an interview, "I'm sexy. I'm sexy. Put it on your TV." I don't know what to say. Weird? Amazing? Comeback hit for Right Said Fred? Cory calls and asks to speak to... Jordan! Bitch can't stop winning. Amanda is all sour grapes and interviews that there were other people who deserved to win more than Jordan. She says that Jordan had the most extensive make-up, and even sitting still, would have gotten a great shot. Suck it up, Amanda. Jordan's going on a go-see to Miss Sixty, which specializes in denim. Hmmm. I guess it's a good thing that a guy didn't win this, since Miss Sixty does not make any men's clothing. I guess they would have set up a go-see for a guy if one had won? Jordan picks Mountaha to go with her. Nicole asks her why she chose her, and she says it's because she loves her!
Nicole tells all of the models that she has something special in store for them. They're gonna die. It's Tabatha, celebrity stylist and Bravo staple. Everyone's excited to see her. Jordan interviews that Tabatha is unbelievable. Nicole says that Tabatha is going to consult with each of the models before they get their hair did at Cutler Salon. That's where I got my hair cut pre-economic downturn! Tabatha notices that Jonathan has fried his hair with relaxer -- she thinks they should cut. Salome should go darker. Chris needs to cut his hair. She suggests that Karen cut her hair, which seems to freak her out. CJ is a total baby and acts like she's having her poodle skirt ruffled up by the greasers. Tabatha tells her to go short and brown. Awesome. She hates it. Mountaha giggles, 'cause she knows when she sees a girl who is super-attached to being a blonde. Tabatha also says that she's going to cut CJ's hair herself. CJ interviews that this is "bullshit." Ha! I think I'm starting to hate her a little.
After Jordan and Mountaha go see, Amanda tries to convince CJ that brown hair isn't akin to tattooing your fucking face. She's not having it. She interviews that people pay thousands to have the appearance of naturally blonde hair, so why would they take the one girl who has it and make her a brunette? Not a horrible point, but I think it has more to do with your face than the relative value of your actual hair. Right? You don't get modeling gigs for flaunting your recessive gene. She also says that brown hair is not very exciting. Well, fuck you, Blondie. Amanda tells her that she looks like a porn star, what with her big boobs and blonde hair. Tabatha is trying to make her into a model. True dat. Amanda interviews that all of this drama is not going to bode well for CJ. When you're not interrupting the revelation of childhood traumas, Amanda, you can be quite wise.
At the go-see, Mountaha walks first. They like her, though the casting director thinks she's a little edgier than the typical Miss Sixty model. Jordan walks, and I believe we've found her Achilles' heal. This guy tells the other casting person that she's "wide, like, side to side." Also, that jeans don't fit her. Not "the jeans," but "jeans." Ouch. The lady says that she wouldn't book Jordan because they look for models who are more confident and sexier. Another ouch. The girls don't seem too disappointed on their way home.
The crew goes to Cutler, and Rodney Cutler tells them that they have to "surrender." They decide to go with a '70s rocker look for Chris. Jordan and Mountaha arrive and Mountaha is told that she is going to be platinum like Tabatha. Jordan remarks to Colin that neither of them are getting big changes and he jokes that "it's hard to improve on perfection." Karen's short hair looks amazing. She says that it will take some getting used to. Chris also looks great. Rodney tells him that he takes him more seriously now. Chris says that he hopes that the cut will bring him some of the edge that the judges asked for. I don't see it. Now, he's just a prettier Taryn Manning. Amanda gets Heidi Klum bangs, which make her so much cooler. Mountaha looks very striking with her new color job.
Tabatha has CJ in her chair. She tells Tabatha and Rodney that she recently had 18 inches cut from her hair, and this is the shortest that it has ever been. Then, Tabatha asks the bitch if she really wants to be a model. She answers "yeah," as if she'd been asked if she was sure that she wanted grande instead of venti. I think I'm over CJ. I was kind of rooting for her last week when she was the short girl with the big boobs and a dream. Now, she just seems like a tight-ass. She's going to regret her behavior when she looks back. Unless she wins, I guess. But, that's not going to happen.
Jonathan's hair is super-short. He says that he'll probably have "a little girly scream" in the morning, but then he'll get used to it. Here's CJ and her new hair. Hmm. Not sure I like it. The cut is better, but I think they could have gone even shorter or something. It's looks kinda like "the Rachel." CJ interviews that it was hard to put her future in someone else's hands, but she likes the look. Except that she's a brunette.
The morning, as CJ rises, she says, "Today is gonna suck." Jonathan is cold because his hair is gone. You know, I'm not sure his haircut did him any favors. Suddenly, his face looks oddly long. I'm not digging it. Gabe tells him to stop being a bitch about his hair, which is funny. Branden compliments Chris' new cut with a "bow-chicka-bow-wow." And, getting more and more comfortable all of the time.
The models arrive at the runway and Tyson and Nicole are waiting for them. Tyson tells them that they will be working in pairs on the runway, like Heatherette has done. Tyson says that timing is important when working in pairs. I'm surprised that Colin doesn't have a notebook in which to write that chestnut down. The stylists chose the pairs based on look and height. He tells us that Branden and Sandhurst, Salome and Colin, Mountaha and Chris, and Jordan and Amanda are pairs. Kerryn will be walking alone. They couldn't have this runway challenge on a week when there's an even number? [So much for timing! - Zach] What's the point for her? Also, they don't tell us all of the pairs. Jordan interviews that she hates Amanda. Tyson also tells them that they will be using a prop. Ooh, this is so HARD!
Colin is still practicing the damn walk. Sandhurst and Branden are giving him some pointers, which is very sweet and which Colin appreciates. CJ interviews that she needs to shake off her nervousness. Amanda is nervous about working with Jordan, since she has immunity. Jordan just giggles in her interview, which of course could have been about anything. Chris says that he's nervous. He needs to nail the catwalk this week.
The show begins, and Colin and Salome are first. Colin is still a little stiff, but much improved from last week. His face is more relaxed and he looks really handsome. Salome is awesome, per usual. Her prop is a huge lollipop, and Colin has a pail of candy. He interviews that he feels good about the walk. Branden and Sandhurst are and they look great. For their pose, Branden blows a bubble gum bubble and Sandhurst pops it. Nicole LOVES it. Chris and Mountaha are . Chris' prop is this candy bat thing that he can't really manage. He really sucks on the catwalk. Jordan and Amanda rock it. They clearly impress. CJ and Shawn are , and CJ ignores her prop! Jonathan and Karen are . Jonathan "innovates" with his prop and acts like his giant Twizzlers are a golf club. Laury and Gabe are . Gabe seems totally PISSED. He doesn't like the prop. So stupid. Kerryn is last and looks really cute by herself.
As the models wait, CJ yawns on the catwalk. Tyson introduces the judges -- Marlon, Jenny Shimizu, Pero, and Catherine Malandrino. Amanda, Shawn, Karen, Mountaha, Sandhurst, Laury, Kerryn and Salome are safe. Remaining are the best and worst. Catherine tells Colin that his photo was bad. She didn't want to eat him. Marlon tells him that he was much better on the catwalk. They loved Jordan. She said she loved working with Amanda. Jenny tells her that she was unrecognizable in her photo and that ability to transform cannot be taught. Perou tells Gabe that he looks miserable. Gabe smiles at the comment, which is one of the only times we've ever seen him do that. Marlon says that he's the only person he knows that would look miserable as candy. Gabe says that he's a naturally dark person, but Catherine tells him that he looks great when he smiles. Marlon says that Chris doesn't have the confidence necessary to be a runway model. The prop work was shit. Chris thanks Marlon for the critique. Catherine appreciates his positivity, but doesn't feel that he improved after last week's critique. Perou loved Jonathan's innovative use of the prop. He tells Jenny that he's pleased with his haircut. Jenny recommends that he send Tabatha flowers. Marlon loves Branden. He loved the walk. Jenny loved his photo. She thinks that it showed his vulnerable side. Marlon likes CJ's hair and asks her how she feels about it -- she's not sure. Stupid. He tells her that her runway performance was poor. Perou calls her out on yawning and looking uncomfortable. She's seriously transparent in that regard. Jenny asks her if she's serious about being in the competition. With her left arm wrapped around the right side of her neck and no expression on her face, she responds, "Yes. Very much so." Okay, not to sound like I'm 100, but I feel like this is a problem with that generation. Does anyone notice how the kids that are coming out of college don't feel like they need to prove anything in their jobs? It's about what the job can give them. Don't get me started, but I feel some of that coming from her. Jenny wants her to die.
Marlon asks Nicole and Tyson if they have anything to say. Tyson says that Chris "gets it," but he needs more time with him. Nicole rips CJ a new one. She tells her that she's standing in front of people who are trying to help her and she's giving off a hardcore "fuck you" vibe. She says she's like a "tasteless Kate Moss." Holy shit. Wow. She's going home unless she turns into a brunette Pollyanna. Nicole says that she can tell there's something in CJ that's sweeter, but I feel like she's just tempering the crazy comment she just gave. The models sit tight while the judges confer.
The judges feel like CJ photographs well. Jenny likes Chris' look. She thinks that he could do Helmut Lang or Burberry. Catherine says that she thinks Jenny is just making a parallel with her own work, but Jenny was gutsy while Chris' work is bleh. Perou hates Gabe's photo. Marlon says that he looks like a model, but he irritates Perou. That's the first time I've liked that jag-off. Gabe is a tool. They appreciate Colin's improvement, though his photo was crap. Catherine likes Jordan's fragility. Jenny is still into Branden. Marlon wants to give immunity to Jonathan.
Back on the catwalk, Jordan is safe. Branden wins immunity!!! He's really happy. Tyson calls him "my brother." Branden interviews that he's immune to the virus that is kicking people out of the house. Tyson tells Colin to step it up, but he's safe. CJ is safe. Wha? It's down to Gabe and Chris. This doesn't look good for Chris. I was looking forward to seeing if he took Cory's advice and picked up a little weight. It would've been like The Biggest Gainer. Tyson tells Gabe that the judges wonder if he can do anything but pout, but it's Chris that can't be made into a supermodel. Crap. He tries to keep his composure but definitely seems upset. He says that he's not giving up on his dream of being plastered on a bus. He's lucky that the ad campaign for this show includes lots public transportation advertising. His dream is in reach.
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Jeff Long would already be cut up like Jonathan, Gabe and Sandhurst were it not for this nasty cold. He can be reached at jeff.long75@gmail.com