Episode Report Card Lady Lola: B | Grade It Now! YOU GRADE IT Sparkle Band-Aid Chic
By Lady Lola | Season 1 | Episode 14 | Aired on 01.23.2012
In a hurry? Read the recaplet for a nutshell description! Finished? Click here to close.Sutton is really happy be in her old life for about two seconds before she starts being an insufferable bitch again. First order of business: Make sure Emma is as uncomfortable as possible so maybe she'll leave Phoenix for good. Second order of business: Get Ethan back, for which her main plan of attack is to be herself, which obviously goes over like a lead balloon now that he's seen he can get that hot little body with a personality as redeeming as Emma's. Third order of business: Reveal Laurel/Justin's secret to Ted and blow up their entire relationship. In case you weren't keeping track, the score is Emma: 3, Sutton: Screwed.
Ethan tells Sutton he's going to break up with her so he and Emma can go on the run, and suddenly Sutton gets way too nice for what we know she concocts this whole story about wanting to have Emma in town for real and introducing her to the family like they always planned. Emma, of course, is dumb enough to believe her. So Sutton takes the chance to force Ethan to accompany her to this week's big event, the Black and White Ball, which is like a co-ed debutante party for junior club members. Ethan gives Sutton a reprieve from the big public break-up, only to have Sutton insist they kiss publicly on the floor. He is left with a bad taste in his mouth, so to speak, and flees to spend the night with Emma at the cabin (almost in that way, keep reading...). Speaking of firsts, we learn that Emma lost her virginity to Ryan Harwell (who I mistakenly called Halliwell last week, stupid marble-mouthed teenagers and funny-speakin' Brits) even though he has always cared for Mads. That doesn't stop Sutton from putting a chocolate-covered strawberry to her luscious lips and making it clear she'd be open, as it were, for a do-over of their tumultuous test drive of each other's genitals.
While all this is going on, Mads' schemes to get together Alec and Rebeccannie together seems to pay off, which freaks Ted out mightily. He's already paranoid because of his own questionable whereabouts on the night Justin's mother died. Speaking of Justin, Kristin has a winning moment when she stands up to blonde-y for being a shady little shit. Go Kristin! Back to the plot at hand, Alec tells Ted that keeping Rebeccannie will benefit them and says that the Justin thing will blow over -- it has to "because if anybody ever found out why your scalpel really slipped that night...." (Anybody definitely includes Kristin, who at first blames herself and then says that, either way, she doesn't trust Ted any more.) Speaking of ghosts of the past, Dan interrupts their little war room to tell Alec he's found Annie Hobbs sitting on a bench in town and muttering to herself. He's stashed her in a nearby hospital.
Naturally, Sutton hears this entire conversation and heads to the cockblock Emma's deflowering by telling her to get dressed and get to the hospital before Alec can throw them off the scent again. Unfortunately, they get there and realize that Annie isn't their real mother, just a woman who had a baby the same time and place the twins were born. She lost her baby and wanted to steal the twins. She claims she got away with Emma, but there was a fire. It's all very confusing because, as previously established, Annie Hobbs isn't exactly of sound mind. Emma struggles to put the pieces together and asks, then, how Annie knows Alec. Fear flashes in her eyes, and she tells the girls they're in danger. Sutton asks who tried to kill her the other night when Annie saved her from the lake. Annie says cryptically, "The snake." A nurse barrels in and forces them out of the room. A few minutes later, Rebeccannie clacks in and says with fiercely, "Oh, Annie. What have you done now?"
Want more? The full recap starts right below!Previously: Sutton returned, totally alive (blast it!) and revealed that the twins' presumed biomom Annie Hobbs saved her from sudden death. At Emma's urging, Mads set up a date with British (possible?) bad boy Ryan Harwell, despite the fact that Sutton put a social fatwa out on him in ninth grade. Alec and Rebeccannie also got closer. Justin dropped a bombshell that Ted killed his mom (through negligence, but still...). And Kristin caught Sutton, whose head is busted to hell, at the club and took her in. Now not-injured Emma is out on the streets.
Sutton wakes up the next morning and is happy for about 10 seconds as she gloats being back amongst all her things. Kristin tries to keep the momentum up by suggesting chocolate banana pancakes, and the look of carb-disgust on Sutton's face is priceless. Only slightly more priceless than the look on her face when Kristin springs out Sutton's Rami-Kashou-ruched-to-hell-and-back white chiffon dress for the club's annual Black and White Ball. Exposition tells us that the ball is a celebration of the club's junior members to introduce them to club culture. Instead of appreciating a dress -- even if Emma picked it -- Sutton shits all over it, calling it too plain. Ted's response, "$300 worth of plain!" does nothing to sway her because that's Emma's idea of fancy, not Sutton's.
Kristin tries to distract her by pulling out the program, which lists Sutton's date as Ethan. A glint of mischief crosses Sutton's eye, which is only replaced when she spots Emma through the window and rushes to her bedroom to keep Ted and Kristin from seeing Emma. Long story short, Sutton doesn't give two rats that Emma got pushed out of the trailer because Dan came home early. She suggests Emma go back to the mall because "you seem to have that place on lock down." While Emma fondles the chiffon, Sutton basically tells her to beat it and figure out a place to stay on her own. She's having flashbacks from Emma winning Ethan's heart at homecoming and is feeling extra-vengeful. Credits.
Back in the Bedroom of Misfit Toys, Sutton takes it a step further and tells Emma to hitchhike to Vegas (okay, I added the hitchhiking part, but that approximates the sisterly tone Sutton has adopted at this point). She claims she's just being nice and keeping Emma safe, but really she's just being a grubby, greedy bitch as she relishes every moment of wallowing in her gazillion-thread-count sheets.