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When you're that Korean-woman-who-is-not-Sun and you go to rent an apartment for you and your little boy who is Miles, and the microwave clock reads 3:16, you take the place, even though it is apartment number 7, which seems to mean nothing. What gets me is that you do so, even though your little boy sees dead people (okay, hears a dead person) in apartment 4. You don't let that stop you from signing on the dotted -- because the microwave is included, and hey, your husband is "out of the picture." So, on top of the daddy issues the poor kid already has, you totally scar him for life by moving into that creepy-ass complex, but whatever, right? The rent is only $200 a month, so maybe you'll have some money to leave him for therapy. In your will.
Your little boy grows up to have three piercings in his chin, in addition to all the ones in his brow and ears (including cartilage) and wherever else. I did not inspect his nekkid form or anything, okay? He supports himself by taking money from the grieving, in exchange for telling them their loved ones are at rest and know they were loved, even if they aren't and/or didn't. Although to be fair to the kid, and your mothering, I've seen him give the money back when he's felt convicted that taking it was wrong. It won't matter to you for too long either way, because now you're the one who's dying. Your hair is falling out and some angry-looking white lady is caring for you. Your son, with the piercings and the spiky hair (and is that a white skunk streak in back?), takes forever to visit, but once he finally does, he holds your hand -- at least until you refuse to tell him the truth about his dad, even after all these years, which just sucks, Ma.
One day in 2004, this hot woman, Naomi, meets your son, tests his super powers and offers him $1.6 million to come on a freighter with her, a bunch of bloodthirsty commandos, a pretty redheaded anthropologist, and a mad scientist named Daniel. They're going to an uncharted island, where they're looking for a murderous madman with a soft spot for babies and mommas. They're doing so on behalf of a possibly-murderous industrialist who is someone else's daddy issues, but that's a story for another time.
Once your son and his questionable friends arrive on the island, the madman pushes this frozen donkey wheel in order to escape the commandos, and then a bunch of the people who were left on this island, including your son (who, thank goodness, has removed those piercings because there's this whole problem with magnets) starts jumping through time and oh, his nose bleeds, because he was there before so he's gonna die, mothah, at least until this bald guy (with big-ass daddy issues of his own) puts the wheel back on track.
This causes your boy to be stuck living as an adult in 1977, which is when he was a baby, living with you and his old man, on that same island. He ends up working with a con man who also has -- say it with me -- daddy issues, as part of the security force on this weird-ass island, for this outfit called the Dharma Initiative, and guess who's one of their higher-ups? Your (ex) husband, but you knew that already, because you were there.
So, on this island, back in 1977, that murderous madman? He's only a kid. Twelve or thirteen. Maybe you knew him back in the day. He's that kid he got shot, by an Iraqi dude who had also traveled through time and recognized him in his pre-Hitleresque form, remember? The problem is, the murderous madman was just a nice, little, abused, motherless boy with horrible daddy issues of his own at the time of the shooting. And yet he was going to die from the gunshot wound. So your son's con-man boss works in concert with his current old lady and his former old lady to get the little boy to these weird woods-dwelling Others who have some mystic ability to tap into the island's powers or whatever in their temple, and they heal the kid by doing something that will take away his innocence (which, let's not think about that, because ick) and some of his memory.
The only problem is -- the kid's abusive dad is not completely useless and notices his son is missing. And Dharma has cameras set up all over the island, so there's evidence that con-man boss (and his ex) secreted the kid out to this cult or whatever. Your boy promises to destroy that evidence for con-man boss, but is interrupted (and nearly caught in the act) when he is tapped by his con-man boss's hippie-boss to join some "Circle of Trust" which is so not going to end up being the "Circle of Life," because he ends up delivering a dead body... To your ex. And he leaves the tape in the player, which could be bad news for his con-man boss, because their co-worker Phil finds it. Fortunately for con-man boss, Phil is stupid and lets con-man boss know that nobody else knows about the tape yet, and so con-man boss knocks him out, while his current old lady goes to get some rope to tie up Phil.
Meanwhile, your son is accompanied on his corpse-delivery run by this big guy with curly hair who landed on the island in 2004, left it, and returned in 2007, but also ended up stuck in 1977. He, too, had major daddy issues, once upon a time in a galaxy far, far away. His own father left him when he was 10 and only returned once curly-haired-dude was an adult who won the lottery, but curly-haired-dude is a good man, and a forgiving man, and worked through his daddy issues with his actual daddy, which is the best way.
By the way, curly-haired-dude actually does see dead people, and in addition to talking to them, he even gets in a game of chess with them from time to time. He says his superpower is cooler than your son's, and he spends a lot of time writing Stars Wars fan-fic that he thinks he's going to submit to George Lucas as a script, so he ought to know. Of course, he's spent some time in a psychiatric hospital, so who knows? Regardless, he sees the daddy-issues you failed to respond to in your boy -- and he encourages your son to try to get to know his father.
Your adult son finally meets the father you wouldn't tell him anything about. And yeah, maybe he's a country-music loving douche who gets corpse deliveries, but he's nice enough to this young man he can't possibly recognize as his son, even though they share the same name, because to him, his son is just a baby, waiting back in his cabin, probably with you, ma. And your man seems to have a particularly tender love for your baby. He gets him up in the morning and lets you sleep in. He reads to him at night after a hard day's work. Not too shabby for a '70s dad with a big job. Your big boy sees this, and cries, but what do you care, ma? You had your big secrets you had to take to your grave, which is dumb, because one day your big boy will probably visit it and find them out, anyhow, but I digress.
Ma, if you'd just told your kid whatever the truth is about his dad, well, maybe it wouldn't have changed anything, because to hear your boy tell it, whatever happened, happened. So maybe he still would have gone looking for him anyhow. But maybe he would have gone with the new set of players who claim they're going to win, and who weren't going to pay him to go to the island; they just want him to choose to do the supposed right thing. But in 2004, your kid lies to himself that he just wants money, so he won't go with these new players, who are totally going to end up on the island, anyhow. Maybe that's your fault, or maybe he's just miffed that they made him drop his fish taco. It's too soon to tell.
Back in 1977, your kid's on the island, probably thanks to the wrong people, and he's fallen in with all kinds of weirdoes who don't appreciate his sharp sense of humor, and can't digest the concept of a fixed time loop if their lives depended on it. He must feel like he doesn't have a friend in the world, until your ex tells him he "needs" him. Of course, he only "needs" him to go with him to the dock and greet the mad scientist your boy rode over on the freighter with in 2004. My point, Ma, and I do have one, is: you lose, anyhow. If you'd just told your kid the truth, at least he'd have been prepared for some of this crazy-ass shit.
Want more? The full recap starts right below! We spend the hour caught up in the maelstrom that is Miles Straume's daddy issues, which are all caught up in everyone else's daddy issues, so put on your life jackets, hold on tight, and prepare to get dizzy. Currently on Lost there is no Previously, on Lost, but there's always a Previously, on Lost on TWoP. Now take a deep breath, because we're diving in.We open on a close shot of an older model microwave oven; its clock reads 3:16. As a woman's hand opens and closes the oven door, a man's voice says that "it comes fully equipped." If it didn't, you'd have to install your own cavity magnetron, Ma'am, and you know what a bitch that can be. The camera zooms out and we see the man is talking to Lara (played by Leslie Ishii). You know who I mean, the Asian woman who never looked anything like Sun, except for being female, of Asian extraction and brunette. The one who was sharing Dr. Pierre Chang's bed in the season premiere and slept in while he got up with their baby at 8:15 AM -- the baby who was never, ever supposed to be the redheaded, blue-eyed Charlotte Staples Lewis, no matter what the crackheads in the forums thought, because that baby was always supposed to be our very own Miles Straume. Like the rest of the internet, I was all set to crow that I had "called it" (don't you hate that) during the season premiere, except that it seems I didn't call it in writing until episode 5-4 (even though I totally called it in my living room that first night; you should have been here; it was so wicked pissa, like calling things often is).
The woman runs the water in the sink as the man tells her the place is "a steal at $400." Instead of responding, she looks out into the hallway and back at the landlord (per IMDB.com, the character's name is Trevor, and he's played by Tim De Zarn), so he asks if she has to check with her husband. She says, "It's just me," and then a little boy's voice calls out, "Mommy," so Mommy makes her oh-shit face. It's wee Miles (Lance Ho) and he is precious. He asks for a quarter for the vending machine, because his love of money has been a lifelong affair. Lara reminds him she told him to wait by the pool. What mother tells their little kid to wait by a pool? Alone. I mean what is he -- seven or eight years old, tops? The landlord gets shirty with her. "I thought you said it was 'just me'?" She meant her husband is "out of the picture." It's just her and her son. The landlord doesn't know about renting to them. Most of the other tenants don't like noise (so some do?). Is that even legal -- to refuse to rent to a family? Anyhow, Lara promises that her boy is very quiet, so the landlord caves, provided she'll pay two months rent up front. She gives Miles his quarter, and he runs off. When the landlord raises his eyebrows, his mother reminds him to walk, instead.
An obedient boy, Miles slows it down to a walk, passes the pool and heads off toward the vending machine. He stops about 10 feet in front of it, seeming confused. As well he should. If this is the mid 80s, I don't think that quarter is going to get him a Coke. Miles turns his head and has a vision. He sees a man's arm lying on the floor, to a remote control, some food, and a used napkin. We flash back to Miles' face and then to a full shot of the grey haired man. Back to Miles -- his eyes scan the row of apartment doors across the way then zoom in on Apartment #4. No one has to remind him not to run; he makes his approach at tortoise-like speed. He rests his hand on the door for a moment before pulling it back quickly as though it were hot. Looking down, he sees a white, ceramic rabbit. Its ears lie flat and inside the left one is an etching of the infinity symbol -- ∞ -- or the number 8 on its side. Raise your right hand if you're earwormed with Schoolhouse Rock. Now keep it there, and raise your left hand if you're simultaneously earwormed with Anya's Bunnies, Bunnies, It Must Be Bunnies! Now wave 'em in the air like you just don't care because my kids are home, and I've got a recap to finish, people.
Wee Miles picks up the bunny to get the key hidden underneath. When I was growing up, we "hid" our key in the mailbox. Don't worry. Only we, and our entire neighborhood, knew where we kept it. Our security was even tighter than you'd think. That hidden key was a skeleton key. And when we'd lose it, my father would get another skeleton key from his magical garage and file it this way and that, until it opened our high tech door. (I'm not that old, but our house was.) Miles picks up the regular key and opens the door to a dark apartment. Meanwhile, back in the unit she's suddenly desperate to rent, Lara Chang Straume writes out a check. The good people at Lostpedia seem to have found visual evidence that the date on the check is March 16, 1985, which at once makes me long for HDTV and takes me way back before HDTV existed, but only because I'm a bit preoccupied. When she hears her son cry out for help, Lara throws down her pen and runs out of the apartment, and past unit 104, 'til she gets to unit 4, which is just weird, because that's not how building numbers usually work and the complex isn't all that big. Plus as we'll later learn, she seems to have been viewing apartment 7. Anyhow, Lara and Trevor run into unit 4 and stop cold when they see a man's body lying on the floor. Trevor says, "Oh God, Mr. Vonner," and bends down to check the body for signs of life.
Meanwhile, Lara asks Miles what happened and what he was doing in there.
Miles sounds like he's about to cry. "He -- he was all alone. He was scared. His chest hurt. He kept calling out for Kimberly." I need to smish him. Trevor says Kimberly is Vonner's wife who died last year and asks Miles how he'd know about that. Miles says, "I heard him." This must be the first time Miles has displayed his ability in front of his mother, because she seems genuinely confused and concerned as she asks what he's talking about. Besides, any kid worth his salt would out a parent who was trying to front at a moment like that. Mommy, it's just like that time when Grandma died and afterwards, when we went to the cemetery, I heard her say that Grandpa isn't your real father, and you told me to shut up or we'd be out of the will. And then you called her a 'whore' and threw rocks at her headstone. Mommy, what's a 'whore'?
Young Miles says Mr. Vonner is "still talking right now." Lara lets go of her boy's arms and backs away from him a couple of steps. She stares at Vonner while telling wee Miles, "Honey. He's dead." Miles yells, "I told you! I can hear him!" He covers his ears and closes his eyes. "I can hear him!" My kids are home on vacation this week. I expect I'll be doing that a lot. Anyhow, we jump to...
Island; 1977: Miles is reading the March 14, 1977 issue of Sports Illustrated. It features Tommy Lasorda in a Dodgers uniform, and the headline reads, "NEW BOSS IN L.A." Real world timeline: 1977 is the year in which Lasorda's Dodgers lost the World Series to the Yankees in six. Baseball fans may recall that a fire in Yankee Stadium's neighborhood during Game 2 of that series inspired Howard Cosell's famous line, "There it is, ladies and gentleman, the Bronx is burning," but I digress. We don't need no water, let the mother...well, you know.
Sawyer calls Miles on the walkie. We cut to him and Kate walking back past the sonic fence pylons. Sawyer wants Miles to "accidentally" erase the tape from security camera 4, but has no time to explain why he's with Kate or that the evidence he needs destroyed shows him and Kate smuggling wee Benjamin Linus out to the Fresh Air Fund's Camp Richard for Abused and Dying Dharma Sprog. "Just erase #4, and if anyone asks, I'm off the grid. I'm looking for an escaped hostile." Miles doesn't feel like playing right now. "You mean your pal, Sayid." Sawyer doesn't call him a son of a bitch, but he does demand to know whether or not Miles will help him. Miles says, "Yeah, yeah, I got it." Sawyer tells him he owes him one, signs off and instructs Kate to go back to Dharmaville, find Juliet and see if anyone has yet noticed anything, oh say like the fact that a dying child has seemingly wandered out of St. Jacob's Hospital. I don't know why this kidnapping-Ben-without-a-cover plot point drives me crazy; it just does.
Kate asks Sawyer what he's going to do when they find out. He'll do his best to cover. Then he fans his tail feathers like the big old peacock he is. "In case you haven't noticed..." He pauses to gesture towards his nifty jumpsuit. "I'm the head of security." Kate smiles and thinks what a giant dork! What did I ever see in him? He's all yours, Juliet. I'm busy trying to choose between Baby-Killer Sayid and Baby-Abuser Roger. See ya later, loser. Sawyer heads back to his own van and we cut to...
Miles ejects the video tape from the recorder. Even Dharma's cassettes have custom Dharma labels, pre-printed with a Dharma insignia and "DHARMA SURVEILLANCE TAPE." I wonder if their labeling compulsion was the inspiration for the designer jeans craze that started with Jordache back in 1978? Before he can grab or erase the tape, Horace walks in looking for LaFleur; he can't reach him on his walkie. Miles lies that he must be "out of range." Horace needs something done, and since LaFleur is unavailable, he tells Miles he's going to bring him into the "Circle of Trust." Somehow, Miles manages not to roll his eyes and call Horace out on his hippie dippie dipshit ways, and assures Horace he can "absolutely" trust him. Horace gives him a black package to bring out to Radzinsky in grid 334. "He's gonna give you something in return. I want you to bring it back to me with no questions asked. You understand?" Despite the fact that he nods, Miles seems not to understand, because the first thing he does is question these instructions. "We're not supposed to be in 3-3-4. Isn't that hostile territory?" Horace says, "Welcome to the Circle of Trust," so Miles salutes him with his walkie and goes off on his new mission. The camera zooms in on the security equipment, just in case we forgot that Miles forgot to erase or snatch the tape of Sawyer and Kate out by the pylons.
Miles drives a VW Bus over a dirt road in the jungle until Radzinsky jumps out in front of him, aiming a rifle right at him and yelling, "Stop right there." Duck and floor it, Miles! Duck and floor it. Radzinsky, as friendly as ever, hollers that he was expecting LaFleur. Miles explains that Horace sent him and comes off all awkward, as well he should, when he adds, "I'm in the Circle of Trust." How fabulous would it be if Radzinsky laughed aloud at that? Well, he doesn't, because nothing about Radzinsky is fab and every episode he's in I hope will be the episode in which he commits suicide or even better, "suicide."
Miles gets out of the van and hands Horace's package to Radzinsky. Oh that's not what I mean, but I shuddered as I typed it, just the same. Oh, and again. Radzinsky whistles with his fingers, which, okay, might be his one good quality. I'm a great whistler, but I can't use my fingers, acorn caps, a blade of grass or other objects. I'm all about lips and tongue. But not here. Never here alone in the jungle. With the Radzinsky beast.
As Radzinsky unwraps the package, which turns out to be a body bag, two men wearing hardhats come out of the brush, carrying a third on a stretcher, and that third is way dead. Miles is still asking questions even though Horace told him not to, but the only explanation Radzinsky will give him for extreme dead guy is that he "had an accident. [...] He fell in a ditch." Miles looks at the exit wound on dead guy's forehead. "The ditch had a gun?" Hee. My Miles love continues apace. Radzinsky reminds Miles that all that ought to matter to him is to do as he's told. The two hard-hatted guys load the body into the back of the van and Radzinky instructs Miles to take the body back to Horace, "now." Once Radzinsky and his lackeys disappear into the jungle, Miles leans over the seat and removes the tarp they've laid over the body bag, unzips the bag and takes a good look at the corpse. I wonder, idly, if he could be Sayid's brother, but that's just crazy talk, since it's 1977. Then Miles asks extreme dead guy, "Okay, so what really happened?" Dun!
Mainland; Sometime in the 1990s: Miles knocks at the door of apartment #7 in the same complex he and his mom toured in 1985. Surely Lara Chang (or Straume; and wouldn't "Chang" actually be the better name to use if you're hiding out in Cali?) didn't rent a place in that dump after her little boy was so traumatized, there? Oh wait, she did, because -- look at him. His hair is sticking straight up and he's bleached two pure white streaks up the back of it. Anyone else seeing Pepe Le Pew there, or is it just me?
An angry looking white woman opens the door, and Miles says, "I need to see her." I get that, Miles, but I need to tally up your piercings, first: three on the chin; one nostril; two in the left eyebrow; and maybe four in the left ear and three in the right ear, but the ears are too hard to call. Holy holey, Batman. If I count the naturally occurring holes in your head, I'm pretty sure I could use it to strain pasta. If you're pierced anywhere else, I don't want to know. Sensitive recapper's sensitive body parts are...sensitive.
Miles enters his mother's bedroom. He's wearing a plaid hoodie with an upside-down number one on it. The room is full of hospital equipment. Don't tell me Lara is jumping through time like Daniel's human science fair exhibit. Oh, look at her hair. Unless she's doing a demo on how not to be a Tyra, this lady is dying. She wakes at the sound of her son's voice. When he apologizes for taking so long to come by, she tells him it's okay because he's here now. Then she asks why he's come. Miles takes her hand. "I need you to tell me why I'm this way, how -- how I do the things I do, and I need to know why you won't talk to me about my father." Poor little schmoopie, but um, look at her. Can't you fake for a moment that you're there because of your love for her?.
Lara stops him short, telling him his father never cared about "us" or "you" but Miles wants to know where his father is. Lara tries to tell Miles it doesn't matter where his father is, but he insists it does, and that he has a right to know. Finally, Lara blurts out that his father is dead, and then says, "Your father kicked us out when you were just a baby. He didn't want anything to do with us. So the less you knew about him, the better." Miles seems angry as he fights back his tears. "Why didn't you just tell me?" Lara says, "Because it was over. Your dad has been dead a long time." When Miles asks where his body is, Lara says, "Somewhere you can never go." And we jump to...
Island; 1977: Miles returns to Horace at the Security station and wouldn't you know it -- Horace is on the phone with Miles' daddy issues. "Pierre, if it was caused by the electromagnetism, we need to know. You wanna see it now?" He looks up as Miles enters. "Yeah, he just got back. I'll send him out with it right away. Okay." Once he's off the phone, Horace instructs Miles to bring "the package" out to Dr. Chang at the Orchid. Miles tries to suggest that someone from the motor pool do this leg of the corpse-run. Right Miles, like they have time to be in the Circle of Trust. They're way too busy with their Circles of Secret Medical Careers and Shady Pasts.
Outside, Miles yells, "Hey, what the hell are you doing? That's my van." He's not talking to the corpse though. Hurley is loading coolers into the back of Miles' makeshift hearse. He puts one in; Miles takes it right back out. Hurley puts the one in. I'd totally watch a sitcom starring these two (although I think I'd want Sawyer in it too, so it didn't get too cute). He's a killer. They talk to dead people. Together they travel time. Sorry. And now that I'm proofing, I should note that I think I inadvertently stole that bit from someone, but I can't remember who. I'm hoping it was Angel Cohn or Mindy Monez and not someone outside of TWoP, because that would be wrong. Feel free to cluestick me in e-mail, if you recognize the victim of my thieving ways.
Hurley tells Miles he just signed the van out, but Miles says that doesn't matter, because it's his. Has Kate been promoted to motor pool supervisor, already? She's always forgetting which things belong to which boy. Miles tries to shoo Hurley away, but since they're both going to the Orchid (Hurley's delivering lunch), Hurley's not so easily shooed. He offers Miles a ham and cheese sandwich with his secret garlic mayo. What is it about this island that inspires a sandwich fixation? Pretty soon the lovely and talented people at the Lostpedia are going to have to create a sandwich theme. I'm also going to need lunch. But um... no mayo on my ham and cheese, secret garlic or no, because ew. Mustard or bust, baby. It's the weekend, so my husband has just gone out to get us meatball subs. As Hurley returns the first cooler to the back of the fan, he suggests that the two of them car-pooling would be a good way to help with global warming, "which hasn't happened yet, so maybe we can prevent it." CUTE! Miles just stands there staring at the coolers packed in front of the body bag. Hurley says, "Wait a sec. Are you on some kind of secret mission?" Miles tells him to "just get in" and slams the (van's) hatch door shut. And we cut to...
Kate enters St. Jacob's hospital. Juliet's in civvies, now. Are those Jordache jeans? I need a screen shot of her ass, because it's a year too early for that, according to my research. Kate's still a mess, but manages to look beautiful, anyhow. Juliet asks her how transferring wee Ben to the Others went, if anyone saw them, and blink blink if James helped. Kate says she thinks it went okay and thanks Juliet for blink blink sending Sawyer and they're doing wonderfully at playing it chill over that hot man.
Rotten Roger bursts in, carrying the medical supplies Juliet sent him for, before she shipped his dying kid off to Camp Richard. He mutters about not having a van and having to run, when he suddenly realizes his son is missing. I loathe Roger, but I can't help but feel for him in this moment. "Did he...?" He can't say the words, and Juliet mercifully doesn't leave him time to. Her voice is high and sweet as she says, "No, Roger." But she has to offer more explanation for the empty hospital bed than that. "Roger, I -- I'm so sorry. I -- I was gone for ten minutes. I -- I -- I don't know." See, this sucks. Nobody was watching the kid? That's just the worst cover story, ever. Roger wants to know how his kid could be dying one minute and gone the . When Juliet again says she doesn't know, he approaches Kate, who is not on her game, today. She starts to mumble that she just got there. He turns back to Juliet and yells, "You're his doctors! You're supposed to watch him!" Of course he assumes Kate is a doctor too, since she works in the motor pool. And he's a stupid (if presently pathetic) jerk. When he can't get any straight answers from our girls, he says he's going to Security and storms out, knocking over a tray of medical instruments on his way out. Oh you are so going to have to clean that up, Roj.
Once he's gone, Juliet looks to Kate, takes a moment, and then says, "Well." Kate looks back at her like well, what? Juliet says, "Here we go." Oh Juliet, you've lied to, about, and for the Others more times than anyone could count. I don't know how you do it, but why don't you start off with making a sandwich. That should get you going. Commercial.
"It Never Rains In Southern California" plays on what's probably an 8-track deck, as Miles drives lunch and death out to the Orchid. Over in the passenger seat, Hurley scribbles in one of those black and white marbled composition notebooks which is branded with a Dharma logo like everything else on Craphole (this one features an apple atop a couple of books, so it must be from the school), except the ass pocket of Juliet's possibly-anachronistic jeans. He asks Miles how to spell bounty hunter, which is a dumb line, and yes I've just doomed myself to a thousand typos, but I'm pretty sure my per-episode pay rate is nowhere near the Lost writers', so I'm good with that.
Miles asks Hugo if he's writing his "memoirs." Jorge Garcia then decides to experiment with the Joey Tribbiani smell-the-fart approach to acting, but only because he thinks Miles cut the cheese. Miles says he didn't and tells him to open a window, but it doesn't help, because it's either the stench of dead body or rancid garlic mayo wafting through the van. Hurley insists they pull over so he can check the sandwiches, because he doesn't want everyone to get sick, and that's when he discovers the unadvertised special of the day. I love how Miles begrudgingly obliges Hurley contrary to orders throughout this episode. Until I learn otherwise, I'm taking it as more evidence that basically, Miles is a good guy.
Once Hurley finds the corpse, Miles explains that the guy's name is Alverez, so he's probably not Sayid's brother come back in time. Oops. "He was digging a hole and thinking about some chick named Andrea," (Ahn-DRAY-uh). "Then he felt this sharp pain in his mouth, which turned out to be a filling from his tooth being yanked right out of its socket and blowing through his brain. Then he was dead." I've had a sensitive tooth since I watched this episode, but I'm afraid to call the dentist.
Hurley wonders how a filling goes blasting through a brain and I yell at my TV the same thing I've been yelling for at least three years, "MAGNETS!" Nobody listens. Miles doesn't have an answer to that question, but Hurley wants to know how he knows everything else, like what the guy was thinking. Miles won't offer anything more than that he just knows. But Hurley gets it. "You can talk to dead people." Miles wants to leave, but Hurley's not done. "Don't worry, dude. Your secret's safe with me. You wanna know why?" Miles says he doesn't. Hurley doesn't care. "'Cause I can talk to 'em, too." He slaps Miles' van door and then heads around to the passenger side. Miles ponders his friend, while we jump to...
Mainland; 2004ish: Miles sits at a picnic table with a middle aged man, Mr. Gray (Dean Norris) who is holding a picture of his high school football-playing son. The boy was killed by a drunk driver "last Labor Day weekend." Miles wants to visit the grave, but they cremated the boy and scattered his ashes on the High School football field. Legalities aside, how exactly is the Pep Squad supposed to overcome that shit? Miles says what he does works much better with a body, even though we've seen him talk to ghosts. I guess Mr. Gray is only haunted by the idea that his son didn't know he loved him. When Miles learns that, his daddy issues wake up and nudge him to jack up his price. He takes the grief-stricken Mr. Gray's hands, and pretends to converse with his son, Russell. When he's done pretending (and don't you think he should have faked it for a little longer; give the guy a show, you know) he says, "Your son says he knew that you loved him. He always knew." Mr. Gray thanks Miles, who says, "I'm sorry for your loss." He picks up his case, which I hope contains that little fake ghost-buster Dust Buster, and leaves the yard.
Miles is putting his case in the trunk of his car when he's approached by Naomi "Little" Dorrit and her outsized wig. That's got to be a wig, right? I mean, I went to high school in the 80s, but dayyyyum, babies. That hair is BIG. She says her employer is interested in engaging Miles and his "rather unique services" and invites him to a nearby restaurant to hear what she has to say. Miles says, "Yeah, absolutely," but I mostly think he thinks Naomi and her wig are hot. He checks out her ass and then her business card, as she walks away and we jump to...
Island; 1977: Roger Linus is getting drunk on the Dharmaville swing set, because... um... that's what you do when your dying child is missing? Since Kate is minus about 25 IQ points in this episode, she decides to talk to him, instead of laying low or helping Juliet or Sawyer or arguing with Jack, or anything else that might keep her out of trouble. Oh and she grabs one of his beers, so she can be extra stupid. Roger's not just drunk, he's bitter, so when Kate assures him that "things are going to work out," and that she "just has a feeling he's going to be okay," he grows suspicious that she knows something about Ben's disappearance. For some reason, today, Kate couldn't keep her cool on Antarctica, so she stands up like someone shot her in the butt, and raises her voice as she assures Roger she doesn't know a thing. Even through his alcoholic haze, he wonders why she's so interested in his kid. She says she was just trying to help, so Roger suggests she mind her own business. Really, Kate, it's for the best, dear. And we cut to...
The Captain and Tennille remind us that "Love Will Keep Us Together" as Miles and Hurley approach the Orchid. Oh I hope, I hope, I hope that's the theme for their new sitcom. Hurley tries to get Miles to "just admit it" and informs him, "I talk to lots of dead people." I will now transcribe this bit, because I love them together (da na na whatever -- I will, I will, I will, I-eye wi-illl).
MILES: So you have conversations with them, like they're your pals?
HURLEY: Sure, all the time. Sometimes we even play chess.
MILES: You actually see them?
HURLEY: Of course. Why wouldn't I?
MILES: Because that's not how it works.
HURLEY: Aha! You wouldn't know how it works, unless you can do it.
MILES: What I can do has nothing to do with chatting with ghosts, you nitwit.
THE AUDIENCE: Except for that time you chatted with the ghost.
MILES: It's a feeling. A sense. When somebody's dead, their brain stops functioning, which means there's no more talking. There's just who they were and whatever they knew before they died.
HURLEY: That's not how it works for me.
MILES: Great. I'm happy for you.
HURLEY: You're just jealous my powers are better than yours.
MILES (rolling his eyes): We're here. Shut the hell up and deliver your damn sandwiches.
They drive up to the Orchid, which is still under construction. Dr. Pierre Chang comes to greet the van and asks Miles what Hurley is doing there. Miles can't meet Chang's eyes, but he manages to explain that Hurley came to deliver lunch to the crew. Chang says, "Lunch? The instructions were to come alone." Hurley, ever helpful, says, "Don't worry. I won't tell anyone about the body." When Chang is upset that Hurley knows about the body, Miles apologizes. "He was rooting around in the back and he saw it." You can almost hear his inner monologue, "Don't look at him. Don't look at him. Don't look at him. Don't look at DADDY!"
Hurley assures Chang he can keep a secret. Chang says, "Well you'd better..." he reads the name on Hugo's jumpsuit. "Hurley, 'cause if you think working in the kitchen is bad..." Hurley interrupts to inform Chang he likes working in the kitchen. Chang appears charmed at this, but then closes in on our boy. "Well, how do you feel about polar bear feces? Because if you breathe one word of this, I'll have you shipped to Hydra Island so you can weigh turds for their ridiculous experiments." Hurley says, "Gross," and much like his son does, Chang seems to find Hurley exasperating, but strangely endearing, because he abruptly ends his threats and calls for two workers to get "the package" and bring it inside. Chang starts to walk back to the site then turns to the man he doesn't recognize as his son. "And you? Stay here 'til I get back. You think you can handle that?" Still not meeting his eyes, Miles replies, "Yes sir."
Once the body is out of the van, Miles closes the hatchback, whereas I would have left it open for a while to clear out the eau de la mort. Alone again, Hurley says to Miles, "Dude, that guy's a total douche." Listen as nearly the whole cast sings along with Miles: "That douche is my dad." Commercial.
Mainland; 2004ish: Naomi and Miles enter a dark and empty restaurant kitchen. Miles snips that she said she was taking him out to dinner. Naomi corrects him. "No, I said I was taking you to a restaurant." As she flips on the lights, Miles follows her and says, "You wanna tell me what's back here, sweetheart?" Oh no, don't. I love you Miles, I do, but unless you're Bogart or channeling him, don't call women sweetheart in that way, or I might have to bust you upside the head. Naomi's cooler than I am, so she just tells him it's his "audition" and leads him to a corpse which lies in wait in the restaurant kitchen, which HARDLY SEEMS SANITARY. Miles decides to tell that whatever she's getting at here, it isn't his thing, so Naomi pulls a roll of cash out of her pocket and tosses it to him. "From what I understand, Miles, if the price is right, this is exactly your thing. So what can you tell me about this man?"
Miles pockets the money and approaches the corpse. He closes his eyes and he almost seems to be having a mild seizure. "His name's Felix. He was on his way to deliver something to... uh... a guy named Widmore. [...] A bunch of papers, photos, pictures... of... empty graves, a purchase order... for an old airplane." He seems to snap out of it and rubs at his eyes. So what do you think -- did Widmore have this guy killed just to plant ideas in Miles' brain while auditioning him? Once Naomi has zipped up Felix's body bag, Miles says, "So, did I pass?"
Naomi explains that she needs Miles because she's leading an expedition to an island to find a man who is difficult to find. "This island has a number of deceased individuals residing on it." (Which is a weird way to put it, yeah?) "And as this man is the one responsible for their being deceased, we believe they can supply invaluable information as to his whereabouts." Miles isn't exactly up for hunting a mass murderer, until Naomi says her employer is offering him 1.6 million dollars to come with. Miles' suitcases magically appear and he's on the freighter before you can multiply that figure by 2. Okay, only in his mind, but still. And so we jump to...
Island; 1977: The hatchback is open again. Maybe they decided to air out the death stank, after all. Hurley grabs a sandwich and tries to get Miles to talk about how his dad is "the dude from all those movies. Only back then, he was called 'Marvin Candle'. Was that like a stage name?" Miles says, "What part of 'I don't want to talk about it' isn't sinking in?" Hurley says that if Miles hadn't wanted to talk about it, he never would have told him that Chang was his father. POINT! When Hurley asks how long he's known, Miles says, "The third day we were here, I was on line at the cafeteria, and my mother got in line behind me. That was my first clue." I can see how her face might ring a bell.
Hurley reminds (or informs, I can never remember who knows) Miles of the Dharma Initiative purge. He asks him if he wants to save his old man. Miles reminds him that they're going to be killed regardless of anything he does. "So why bother?" Chang comes back and orders Miles to take him to Radzinsky at "the worksite." He then cautions Hurley not to say a word. Hurley doesn't need to hear the end of the threat. "Polar bear poop. Got it." As Chang gets into the passenger seat, Miles asks him what happened to the body. Chang turns around and deadpans, "What body?" Heh. Thank goodness Hurley doesn't explain which one Miles meant.
Dharmaville Schoolhouse: Jack erases the right-hand third of the blackboard (and the indispensable Lostpedia has a summary and analysis of its contents, here) when Roger walks in and demands to know why Jack is working a site that's on his "rounds." Jack calmly explains that he heard what happened to his son and thought he'd cover for him. Roger asks which part Jack heard: "That he got shot or that someone kidnapped him from the infirmary?" Jack, who has the middle section of the board all clear now, has been on Lost a long time, Roger. He's not going to answer a question directly. "Then what are you doing here at work?" See.
Roger says, "What else am I gonna do? Sit around and pray that those idiots are gonna find my boy?" Sheesh, Roj, it might not hurt. Or, you know, if you're a science-only dude, you could sober your ass up and look for the kid, yourself. Jack's an old-pro at dealing with drunken daddy issues, so he wisely turns his back on Roger and gets back to work on the left-hand side of the blackboard. This pisses Roger off, so he tells Jack he can "Get out of here," and then kicks the mop bucket, for emphasis. It's on wheels, so it rolls across the classroom and bangs into a side door, knocking it ajar.
Jack keeps his cool, ignores Rotten Roger some more, and goes to get the bucket and mop and Roger starts to take chairs down from the desk, which makes no sense, considering the floor needs mopping, but again, he's drunk. Roger remembers that Jack arrived when Kate did, and asks if he knows her at all. If there's anything I hate more than a nasty drunk it's a drunk who vacillates between nasty and nice. Guess which kind Roger is? His voice is all soft, now. "She's got some kind of weird thing for my kid. First, she shows up at the infirmary and gave him blood." Then I screw up my tenses. I do did. "But then when he goes missing, she comes to me and she says, 'Don't worry. He's gonna be okay'. I'm gonna tell you something, man. I'm beginning to think that she's got something to do with this." Don't think, Roger. You're not used to it. "I should go to Horace. Report her. What do you think?"
Arms folded, Jack approaches his co-worker. "I think, Roger, that... uh... that you've had a hell of a day, and that's given you a very good excuse to go out and get drunk. Maybe that's put some -- some crazy ideas into your head. I know that woman, Kate. She's my friend, and she would never do anything to hurt your son." That was a little reveal-y, but I suppose Jack can always claim the guy's a drunk and misunderstood him. Roger at first seems mollified, then cowed. The important thing is, he reads Jack loud and clear and says, "Sure," then slinks off to his cart and rolls it out of the classroom.
In the van with Miles, Hurley asks Dr. Chang what he does at the Orchid. Chang will only say it's classified. Hurley makes a big deal about how this must mean he can't tell his wife or even his kids. Chang says, "I have a 3-month old son so, no, I haven't told him." Hurley congratulates him about the baby then asks his name. When Chang says it's "Miles," Hurley goes on about how it's a small world, since that's their driver's name, too. Miles wishes he were dead so he could tell Hurley, "Don't make me turn this van around," without his daddy issues hearing him. Hurley asks if perhaps Chang is a jazz fan and named the baby for Miles Davis. Chang says, "My wife is. I like country." Miles makes the "Oh great, I finally meet my father and he's so LAME I WANT TO DIE," face.
Hurley keeps going. "So you two have been here for three years now. Must be pretty tight, huh?" I wait for Miles to snap, "Why, because we're Asian?" but instead, he just says that he and the good douche-ster don't travel in the same circles. Chang's sort of adorably clueless when he says, "I wasn't aware there were circles." Not even the Circle of Trust? Huh. I knew that was a hippie concoction. Hurley suggests they all get together for a beer sometime, and then Miles has to drive blind, because his eyes have rolled out of his head, jumped out the window, and back to the Orchid, found the well, thrown themselves in, pushed the frozen donkey wheel, and returned to SoCal, circa 2009. Chang doesn't answer. Instead, he asks Miles to stop the van for a moment. He hops out and approaches a gate disguised by vines and pushes it open to reveal yet another construction site. The SWAN! Once he's back in the van, they drive through the gates; the guard waves them on. Miles parks beside the big dig. Chang hops out and tells them not to wait. He'll catch a ride back with Radzinsky. The wee Miles who's been hanging out on my purple Swingline stapler says, Aren't you even going to kiss me goodbye, Daddy? Chang can't hear you, dear, but don't worry. I bet he'll buy you a present.
As Hurley climbs up front, he wonders what they're building and "what's with all the secrecy?" Miles says he neither knows nor cares, yet he doesn't drive off in a hurry. One construction worker asks another, "Hey Glen, what's the serial number that goes on the hatch lid?" Glen reads out the numbers from a list as the first guy stamps them into the lid: "4, 8... 15, 16, 23..." He can't make out the last number; it's smudged. Hurley, quietly, so that only Miles can hear him, says, "42." Glen says, "42," and the worker completes the last stamp. Miles says, "How the hell did you know that?" Hurley says, "'Cause they're building our hatch." Miles asks what hatch he means. Hurley says, "The one that crashed our plane." Dun.
Mainland; Nighttime; 2004ish: Miles leaves La Vida Tacos with a Styrofoam container containing... I'm going to go out on a limb and say a soft-shell taco of some sort. Styrofoam?! He needs Hurley. He's not thinking about the environment. At all. As he makes his way past a hair salon, a van pulls up and Bram (the meathead with Ilana when she brained our poor Frank) calls out the passenger window, "Hey, Miles." Miles says, "Do I know you?" and two masked, hooded men jump out of the back, and grab Miles, knocking his food and that nasty Styrofoam container to the ground. That's not biodegradable, you goons. Also, do not harm the Miles. I love him. They slam the door and the van screeches off. Bram turns around, introduces himself and does a little three-fingered wave, which makes no sense, but sort of makes me reevaluate my "meathead" assessment of Bram. Miles snarks because he is, and is because he snarks, so his only response to all of this is, "You owe me a fish taco." That sounds dirty, Miles. I'm sorry, but it does.
Bram apologizes for all the kidnapping, like you do, and explains it by saying Miles' apartment is being watched. "And we had to try our best to talk you out of working for Charles Widmore." When Miles says he doesn't know who that is (which is at least a little bit of a lie, assuming he remembers his "conversation" with Felix's corpse). "He's the man who chartered the boat you'll be getting on week. And, my friend, you do not want to get on that boat." Huh. Interesting choice of words there, my friend. Who are you working for, Meathead -- Ben? Ellie? Dharma? Ellie and Dharma? Do Caesar and Bram and/or Ilana know one another? Was Caesar's whole, "Lady, wake up," thing just an act? Do Ben and Ilana know each other? Was their scene a big misdirect? Only (that which lies in) the Shadow (of the statue) knows for sure.
Miles just stares at Bram and shakes his head, so Bram asks, "Do you know what lies in the shadow of the statue?" Once again, I answer "Ben Linus's mouth," but only because I'm a hack like that, and can't resist. It doesn't matter, because Miles is clueless, because Mommy Dearest wouldn't tell him anything, even though it seems like all he'd have to do is wait 'til she's dead and then read her dead mind. "No. Can't say that I do." So Bram tells him that since he doesn't know, he's not ready to go to that island. "But if you come with us, all those things you've spent your life trying to find out? You'll know. You'll know who you are, Miles; why it is you have a gift; and most of all, you'll know about your father."
Miles says, "I don't know where you've been getting your intel, but I stopped caring about my father a long time ago." Bram rolls his eyes, but Miles won't be distracted. "What I do care about is money. So I'll tell you what. You want me to pass on going to the island? It's gonna cost you double what they offered -- $3.2 million." Bram says his team isn't paying. "All the money in the world isn't going to fill that empty hole inside of you, Miles." Right, which is why you should have been more careful with his supper, Bram. Plus? That too sounds dirty. Miles stares him down, so Bram moves back to the front seat (although I never noticed when he got in back -- weird). Miles wants a little more attention so he snips, "That's sad, isn't it?" Heh. Bram shouts his orders to his goons. "Toss him!" The van has barely stopped when they throw Miles out the side door. Bram then yells at Miles. "You're playing for the wrong team." Oh, so that's how he's going to get his hole filled? I didn't think you were going there, Bram. Miles looks like he's thinking the same thing, as he eyes Bram up and down. "Yeah? What team are you on?" Bram is comfortable with his masculinity. "The one that's gonna win." The goons slide the side door shut, the van speeds off, and we jump to...
Island; Nighttime; 1977: Hurley tells Miles about the hatch, and that there's going to be an accident. "Then they're gonna have to build a computer with a button you have to push so the world doesn't end." Miles looks at Hurley, but a "Phhhht," is about all he can muster in response. Hurley wants to know if Miles' dad is around in, "You know, when we came from? The future?" When Miles says no, Hurley keeps working Miles' daddy issues which all the best cowboys have, and I include Darlton in that. They may have Joss Whedon beat.
Hurley suggests all the cool things he can do, like hold the baby version of himself or change his own diaper and is generally joyous because Miles has a chance to get to know his pop, so Miles slams on the brakes and nearly sends Hurley flying through the front windshield, because nobody wore seatbelts in the 70s. He then explains slowly and clearly that he has no desire to hang out with his father or get to know him, and contrary to the theory Hurley throws at him, Daddy didn't beat Miles when he was little because he was not around when he was little. After he confesses that he never met his father until just now, Miles asks, "Why am I even telling you this?" Hurley suggests it's because Miles is in pain and needs to vent. Awww. He's not wrong. Miles won't admit it though and replies, "I'm not in pain. It doesn't matter. My father is dead. He's gone. He never cared about me, and nothing I can do will ever change that."
Hurley pushes it too far when he reminds Miles that dad isn't gone at all; they just dropped him off. Miles loses it, grabs Hurley's composition notebook and says he's going to get all up in his business. Hurley demands it back, but Miles hops out of the van, I guess to read it by the light of the moon. Or maybe one of the ghosts he definitely never speaks to is whispering the words in his ears. I don't know. At any rate, Miles reads:
EXTERIOR HOTH
A little spy robot-thingy zips through the atmosphere and crashes into the snowy planet below. That's when Chewbacca shows up and blasts it away with his crossbow laser. He shakes his fury fist in the sky in triumph.
CHEWBACCA: 'Rwaaaaaaar'.
Hurley corrects that it's, "furry -- furry fist. I need a spell check." That wouldn't help with that typo, Hurls. Miles says, "What the hell is this?" Oh come on, Miles. It's fan-fic! And a word to the wise, don't Google to see if there's any about you. Dean Winchester tried that a few weeks ago, and he's still taking anti-emetics.
Hurley explains that he's writing The Empire Strikes Back, hence our episode title (which is also a play on the title of this film, from whence I grabbed this week's theme song link). If it's 1977, Star Wars has just come out, and "George Lucas is going to be looking for a sequel." I'm not sure that's correct. I mean, the '77 is, but I thought Lucas had not 3, not 6, but 9 episodes all plotted out before the first, real Star Wars was released. Feel free to correct me in e-mail, Space Geeks.
Hurley says he's seen Empire "like, 200 times" so he figured he'd make "life easier" and send Lucas the script, "with a couple of improvements." Miles says that's the dumbest thing ever, which may be true, but come on Miles, it's also damned cute. Hurley takes offense at that and says that at least he's not afraid to talk to his own father. He snatches his comp. book back from Miles and returns to the van. Miles lets his words sink in and follows, while we cut to...
Dharmaville, Same Night: Sawyer arrives home and complains to Juliet, "Did you ever have one of those days when you felt like the Little Dutch Boy, with your finger in a..." He sees Jack standing there. "Doc!" Heh. Holloway's timing suffers in print. When Sawyer asks him what's going on, Jack calmly and coolly explains that Roger thinks Kate had something to do with Ben's disappearance. Sawyer seems to still be catching his breath. He looks from Juliet to Jack and asks, "Why the hell would he think that?" Juliet says, "Because she talked to him -- tried to make him feel better." When Sawyer sighs, Jack chuckles and adds, "Her heart was in the right place." Sawyer wonders, "Yeah, well where was her head?" I know this one, too. Right up her freckled ass (although with bathing suits and all, that's probably freckle-free). Seriously, I'm glad someone finally noticed how un-Kately she is in this episode. This girl's capable of serious subterfuge, as well we know, and yet she can't fake out a drunk who doesn't even particularly like his own kid, while she does something she's pretty sure is going to heal the kid and get him back safe -- if not entirely sound -- to said drunk? on Lost. Sawyer can't con. Hurley can't eat. Jack can't cry.
Jack remains impressively composed. It's kind of... sexy. Well it is, and love Jack or hate him, The Fox is still a fox. "I had a talk with Roger. I don't think he's gonna say anything to anyone for now. I just wanted you to know." He walks over to Juliet and hands her his coffee mug. "Thank you." Juliet's maybe thinking he's kind of sexy too, because she just replies, "Hmmm," and nods. When Jack gets to the door, it is clear Sawyer is shocked at how pleasant and helpful that exchange was. "Yeah, well, thanks for filling me in, Doc." He nods, because he means what he's saying. Jack says, "No problem," and leaves Sawyer to stare at his retreating form in shock and awe. I like to think Jack's suppressing a whistle, don't you?
Sawyer's soon back to sticking his fingers in dykes, though, because a winded Phil hustles over to his cabin. "Hey boss, we've got a development. You better come to the office." Sawyer says he's been running around all day, so it can wait. So Phil says, "I know who took the kid." Sawyer's eyes narrow. "Yeah? Who's that?" Phil takes the bag from off his shoulder and removes the security tape. We only ever had VHS. Is that Betamax or U-Matic? Whatever it is, it's GINORMOUS. It's probably U-Matic, but I'd like to think Dharma would be a Betamax shop. It's the Edsel of the video recording word. Whatever kind of tape it is, what matters is what Phil has seen on it. As he tells Sawyer, that's, "You." (Not you you, Sawyer you, unless you're Kate and if so, how did you get to 2009 to read this, or possibly 2010, by time I'm done with it?).
Sawyer tells Phil he's "got a perfectly good explanation for what you saw on that tape." Phil "sure as hell" hopes so. Once inside the cabin, Sawyer asks Phil if he's told Horace about the tape, yet. Phil is very stupid, so he truthfully answers, "Nope. Thought that after three years of working together, I'd give you the benefit of the doubt." Sawyer's hair moves before he does, even though it looks like it's weighed down with 30 years worth of grease. Does he not have a shower? He cold clocks Phil, knocking him out with one punch. Juliet looks... aroused, maybe because she knows what Sawyer's going to say . "Get some rope." Commerical time, because this is network TV.
Mainland; 2004ish: Mr. Gray is raking his backyard when Miles enters (not a euphemism). He lays down his giant duffel on the picnic table and when Mr. Gray asks what brings him by, he says, " Well sir... uh... I'm about to go on a boat trip for a while, and..." He removes an envelope from his pants pocket and hands it to Gray. "I wanted to give this back to you." It's the money he took for "contacting" Russell in the great beyond. "I lied to you, Mr. Gray. I wasn't able to talk to your son." I love it when his conscience gets the best of him.
When Miles picks his duffel back up, Gray asks why he's telling him this. "You could have just let me go on believing what you said." As if it's obvious, Miles says, "That wouldn't have been fair to your son." Gray doesn't understand, so Miles elaborates. "If you needed your son to know that you loved him, you should've told him when he was still alive." Ouch. Miles marches off, and leaves Gray to stew in his own juice. Hopefully, Old Man Gray's father is still living, and he can call him up and take it out on him.
Island; Nighttime; 1977: Miles and Hurley arrive back at Dharmaville. When they reach the motor pool, Hurley watches Miles as he silently returns the van keys to the hanger, signs the van back in, gases it up and whatnot. Finally, Hurley says, "Sorry I said you were afraid to talk to your dad, dude." Miles tells him not to worry about it. Hurley then explains about how his own father left when he was 10, but how he gave him a second chance and it was the best thing he ever did. "We got to be the best of friends, and although I may never see him again, I miss him and I know he feels the same." Don't worry, Hugo. He's probably consoling himself with your money. Miles says that his own father didn't leave when he was 10. "I was a baby. I never knew him and I don't want to. It's not happening."
Hurley's still got his head in the clouds, or I guess that's stars, so he says, "That was Luke's attitude, too. [...] In Empire, Luke found out Vader was his father, but instead of putting away his light saber and talking about it, he overreacted and got his hand cut off. I mean, they worked it out eventually, but at what cost? Another death star was destroyed. Boba Fett got eaten by the Sarlacc. And we got the Ewoks. It all could've been avoided if they'd just -- you know -- communicated." A beat. "Let's face it -- Ewoks suck, dude." For the love of Smokey, Miles, He's right. Forget all of Daniel's whatever happened, happened nonsense. You've got to make up with your father, right now. Maybe you're special, like Desmond. Who knows? Regardless, I have to say I'm madly in love with how serious your face is as you listen to Hurley's fannish, if apt, lecture.
Hurley leaves Miles to think on these things, and as he walks along, it's clear he does. He soon finds himself outside the cabin of the family Chang. He was probably led there by the music of Cindy, This Is Going To Be Ridiculously Sad. I know I was. Inside, Pierre holds baby Miles on his lap. This is the first time we've seen any of our flash-backed characters catch a glimpse of their prior selves. Before this, the closest we got was Locke seeing Desmond's hatch light, when the Strand-aways flashed back to the night Aaron was born and Boone died. Miles is near tears as he sees his father's love for him. Chang is clearly happy and comfortable with his baby in his lap and he's reading to him from a book entitled Ask Me About My Polar Bear, which I think the prop department must have made up, because I can't find it online. But whatever. See, Miles? He totally got you a present. I was hoping it was Bill Martin Jr. and Eric Carle's Polar Bear, Polar Bear, What Do You Hear? That book and its cousin Brown Bear rock. Adult Miles smiles through his tears as he watches his father smile laugh with love in his eyes. The stupendously cute baby smiles and yawns. The phone rings, and we see Lara's hands, legs, and blue skirt as she brings Chang the phone. Pierre hands the baby off to her, because phones still had cords then and were much clunkier. Oh my word, even the baby's receiving blanket has the Dharma insignia on it. The Jordache look. The Jordache look.
Chang's inside, so his voice is muffled, but we can make out that he tells whoever it is on the phone that he'll be "right there." He walks out without a word to Lara and baby Miles. Hmm. That was kind of cold. Adult Miles turns quickly and tries to disappear into the shadows, but he's stopped by his father's voice. "Miles! I need you." Choking down his sobs, Miles says, "You do?" a bit too hopefully. He turns and walks back toward his dad. Chang explains that the sub has just arrived from "H.Q." and he needs Miles' help "bringing them in." Miles asks if "they" are new recruits. Chang says no. "Scientists from Ann Arbor. Get your van, and let's get to the dock."
The submarine is already at the dock when Miles and Chang arrive. Radzinsky and a bunch of other Dharma types are there, too. Miles helps one person onto the dock and down the steps, and then hears banging behind him as someone hoists a suitcase out of the sub. From inside (the sub, not the suitcase), a familiar voice calls, "Can I get a hand with this?" Miles yeah yeah sure sures him and picks up the suitcase. When he catches sight of its owner, he turns, mouth hanging open. The man fully emerges from the sub and looks around, but doesn't look down at Miles until he says, "DAN?!" Daniel Faraday looks at him, smiles, and in his breathiest voice says, "Hey, Miles." The two stare at each other for a moment, then Daniel adds, "Long time no see." DUN! Bad Robot.
Well, that was quite the episode, huh? It wasn't my favorite to watch, but it might be one of my favorites to think about. There was so much mythology in it I was afraid I'd miss something if I blinked. Hurley was cute nudging Miles and Pierre at first, but I think they over-used him, a little. Miles isn't stupid and Hurley isn't socially clueless. I don't think he should have hammered home his point, quite so hard. I wish I had time to count up all the characters who have daddy issues on this show. I'm tempted to bet money that it's every character, and if we think a character doesn't have daddy issues, then we probably haven't seen him/her and daddy interact. I mean just off the top of my head, there's Miles, Ben, Sawyer, Kate, Jack and Claire, Sayid, Locke, Hurley, Sun, Jin. Hell, even baby Aaron has them. Who do you think Ilana and Bram are working for? Right now, I'd say Dharma and/or Ellie, although I think there's an outside chance they're working for Ben. It would be hysterical if they were working for Widmore, and he was just trying to get Miles on the cheap.
This week, we get a clip show, "The Story of the Oceanic Six," so I'll catch you week with the new episode, "The Variable," in which we're told Daniel Faraday will "come clean" about all his island knowledge. C'mon. Who do they think they're kidding?
Got a theory you'd like to share or a sturdy defense of Ewoks? E-mail Cindy at CynthiaMcLennan[at]gmail.com or tweet to her at CindyMcLennan on Twitter. She was there before Oprah, and stopped following aplusk, like all the cool kids (except Demi, obvo).
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