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Desmond in his infinite wisdom has decided to take the bold step that the writers have hinted at but are too panty-waisted to take. Yes, he has decided to kill off Charlie. Or at least not to get in the way when Charlie bites the big one, despite the fact that his vision spells out the exact location, time, and costume choice of Charlie's gruesome demise and Desmond therefore could totally prevent it. Why has he forsaken his role as Charlie's personal savior? Because Charlie's life is nothing compared to the chance to save Penny, who, Desmond is convinced, has parachuted onto the Island and is in desperate need of rescue. When Desmond finds a copy of Catch-22 with his photo in it, he is pretty darn sure he is right. So why does he change his mind and save Charlie? Well, it turns out Desmond has a pretty strong religious streak, what with being a monk and all. What's that you say? Yes, apparently even though Eko is gone, the Island is still lousy with clergy. Via a flashback, it is revealed that Desmond spent some quality time in a monastery after running away from his Scottish fiancée. Now that we know he is Brother Desmond, at least we have a reasonable explanation for all that "brother" nonsense. Still, it's a good thing there's a preacher on hand, 'cause with all the illicit nookie going on, someone is bound to get hitched. Or at least get hurt and maybe need last rites. So a monk will definitely come in handy.
Oh, and the parachuter? Totally not Penny. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Desmond is playing a very wet Indiana Jones. In what was undoubtedly a raucous skirmish with restless native populations determined to save their religious totems from permanent residency in an unvisited museum, he appears to have lost all the buttons on his shirt. Hurley, Charlie, and Jin are walking down the path he has macheted through the jungle. Charlie is carrying his guitar. In a rainstorm. Les Paul would approve, I'm sure. Charlie and Hurley are arguing about Superman versus Flash in a foot race, and Hurley is putting all sorts of unfair limitations on Superman's ability to use his powers and, yes, Superman is a wad, but is Flash's ability to vibrate through walls really that useful? There are doors, dude. The obliquely hip conversation (identical to one I overheard between two hipster has-beens in tight t-shirts and oversized glasses in the bar at a Grizzly Bear concert in Brooklyn, by the by) is interrupted when Charlie's Vans-clad foot steps on a wire running along the forest floor. He stops stares, manages a "What the... " and then gets shot in the neck with an arrow. Everyone rushes up to him, but no one can help. They don't really cover the shot-in-the-neck-with-arrow scenario in First Aid so you can't really blame them. Charlie expires really quickly and then the light changes and we see flashes of Hurley and a wire and a flashing beacon in the night sky and Penny and Desmond in a photo. It's one of Desmond's flashes. He has this one squatting on the beach with his legs wrapped around a giant pole. I think Freud would have A LOT to say about that particular vision, brother.
Desmond shakes himself after his flashus interruptus and scans the beach. He sees Charlie innocently walking around, enjoying the day, having no inkling of the rather unpleasant fate that awaits him. Desmond spies Hurley, runs up to him, and demands to know where the wire is. Hurley asks him if he has been eating the mushrooms that Jack warned them about. Proving once again that he is probably the only person on this entire Crap Island that I would want to have a beer with. I love Sayid, but would you want to have a beer with him? Desmond is not put of by Hurley's funnies and demands to know where the giant wire running underneath the sand is. Hurley looks contemplative and asks if this is future crap. He asks why Desmond needs to know, and Desmond says because someone is coming. Oh right, did I mention that he saw a Converse dangling from a tree in his vision too? They both duck as a giant Lost sign hits them in the head.
A much less hirsute Desmond is on his knees in a small sparsely furnished room. He is either praying silently to himself or totally moving his lips while he reads. Did you know Desmond was a monk? Did I miss that? Well he appears to be a novitiate. A door opens and a guy who is either a monk or has a real love of natural fiber clothing comes in. He glances at the bible on a table, so I guess he is a monk. He hands Desmond a natural fiber robe and says, "God tests our faith in many ways, so as you know, we have our own test here -- a vow of silence that lasts as long as we see fit. It tests your patience and your faith. Much like a certain television show. Personally Desmond I never thought you would last, so now I stand corrected. For whatever reason your path has led you here and now you are one of us. Welcome, brother." Desmond, now dressed as a monk, says, "Thank you, brother." No, thank you! At last a quasi-reasonable explanation for all that brother crap! Praise be to Jesus!
Desmond and Hurley stroll up to Jack's tent and make small talk until Desmond asks Jack to borrow his first aid kit. Desmond claims to have twisted his ankle. Jack, being the concerned doctor that he is, asks Desmond if he wants him to take a look at it, but Desmond demurs saying he will wrap his own ankle, thank you very much! During this exchange, Hurley stands awkwardly behind Desmond, so pointedly not saying anything that Jack finally asks him if something is wrong. He says no and that he is just helping Desmond. It's all a bit awkward until Desmond says thanks and drags Hurley down the beach. Desmond wants to know what that was all about, and Hurley demands to know if this is like when Claire was drowning and someone is going to get hurt. Hurley says that the only way he will take him to the wire is if he gets an explanation. Desmond says that he saw a sequence of events. Like a jigsaw puzzle without the picture on the box, so he doesn't know how they fit together. Hurley wants to know what the other pictures are, but Desmond won't tell him because if he told him, it would change the picture on the box. Changing the picture because Hurley would try and prevent Charlie getting shot in the neck with an arrow? How dare he! Hurley wisely realizes that Desmond is not trying to stop something from happening but rather trying to make something happen. Desmond flashes to a picture of him and Penny and tells Hurley that he wants it more than anything. Desmond, I know a lot of people don't like Charlie, but Brother, that's cold.
Sawyer is pretending to casually walk over to Kate's tent. He leans on the tent and asks if Freckles is home and she retorts that she thought he wasn't supposed to use nicknames. God! Hasn't it been a week yet? Not that I'm jonesing for some of Sawyer's har-har nicknames, but seriously, hasn't it been a week? Sawyer points out that Kate wasn't at the beach when he lost his bet so she's exempt. He is still talking when he opens the tent door (Door? Flap? Whatever.). Kate is pulling up her jeans and Sawyer catches her with her bum hanging out and no shirt on. He gawks for a minute, and she stares at him and then pulls her pants up the rest of the way. She is hastily buttoning her shirt while Sawyer pretends to continue the conversation. Kate cuts him off by pointing out that she is "up here" and pointing at her eyes. I find it necessary to mention that even on a deserted crappy Island after months of camping, countless hikes, strenuous manual labor, mental duress, being taken prisoner several times, getting in fights, etc. etc. etc. Kate still chooses to wear a padded underwire bra. You go girl! An abashed Sawyer asks Kate if she told Jack about them. She explains that she didn't tell him but that he knows. Sawyer says that he thought the camera was broken. When Kate explains that they had another camera, Sawyer calls them perverts, and I giggle. I'm dumb like that. Sawyer is glad that is out of the way and bumblingly suggests some afternoon delight. Does that ever work for you Sawyer? Kate rolls her eyes and busts past him out the door. Sawyer asks if he should make her a mix tape. She says, "Yeah why don't you do that." That scene was so sophomoric and inane that I will just make a few idiot sounds as commentary: Doi. Der. Duh. Thbbt. But mix tapes are cool.
Hurley and Desmond are trying to figure out how to make Jin go on their trip with them. Desmond doesn't think his vision will come to pass if Jin doesn't go with them, but he has no idea how to get him to go. Hurley tells him to stand back and watch the master. Hurley walks up to Jin and explains the concept of camping. You know -- camping! Roughing it, sleeping in tent, waking up with the stars over head, getting back to nature, cooking over a fire, peeing in the woods. Jin looks confused. Isn't that what they have been doing every day for the last two and a half months? Hurley changes tactics and offers up marshmallow as hook, line, and sinker. For some reason (plot necessity, maybe?) it works and Jin agrees to go. Just like catching a baby! Desmond smiles and tells Hurley to get food and water and he walks off to get Charlie. Charlie does not believe the bull about the camping trip. He knows that Desmond had another vision and he is not going camping. Desmond tells him that someone is coming to the Island. Yes, Charlie, someone who is not already there. He explains that Hurley and Jin are coming too, but Charlie has to reiterate that Desmond does not have visions of Hurley and Jin dying. As an ex-monk, Desmond apparently has no fear of God smiting him, because he totally pinkie swears that this trip is not about Charlie dying. Desmond, your pants are on fire. We, the innocent viewing public, know you are lying, because we are treated to yet another replay of Charlie getting Saint Sebastian-ed.
The boys are off on their camping trip. Apparently, the theme song from the Bridge Over the River Kwai is the great unifying force in the universe because this polyglot scout troop is whistling it as they walk down the beach. Can you get merit badges in whistling? The tune comes to an abrupt halt when Hurley announces that they are at the wire. Desmond gets panicky when he doesn't see it, but Jin rummages around in the sand for about a half a second and comes up with it. Hurley now decides to mention that the last time he tried to follow this wire into the jungle he almost got kabobed by one of Rousseau's traps. This mention of kabobing brings yet another vision of Charlie getting rotisseried. Don't forget to set the timer so we know when he's done! Desmond doesn't want to go into the jungle just yet. He wants to camp until the light matches up to his freakin' acid trip, I mean, vision.
Back in the brotherhood, the monks are packing cases of wine. The Main Monk reminds Desmond that he is free to talk, but Desmond says that he is used to being quiet and then launches into an argumentative diatribe about the name of the wine bottled by the monks (Moriah) and how it is, in short, lousy branding. The Main Monk is totally regretting that he told Desmond he should talk more. They argue out ideological differences in their interpretations of the Abraham/Isaac sacrifice story until the Main Monk announces that perhaps Desmond underestimates the power of sacrifice, and doesn't he have a corpus to mortify? A monk interrupts the debate because there was a man at the gate who wanted to have a word with Brother Desmond. The man pushes past the monk and punches Desmond right in the nose, proving that God can be swift in meting out justice to those who argue with his followers. Desmond apologizes to the monk as the man crosses himself and runs off. The monks look confused as Desmond bleeds all over the merchandise.
Kate is sitting on the table in the kitchen (such reckless behavior for a girl in a nude underwire bra!) when Jack comes over. She recommends the oatmeal. As he mucks about in the canteen, Kate explains that she is lost without a cage to escape from, an adventure to head out on, a person to rescue, or an excuse to go running into the jungle. She doesn't know what to do with herself. Jack basically ignores her and says that she should enjoy it because something is bound to go wrong sooner or later. She ignores his ignoring and says her adventure for the evening is that she is going to wash her dishes. In the ocean! Jack tells her to be careful and then asks for her spoon. She sanitarily washes it off in her mouth and hands it to Jack. He thanks her for it and without washing the spoon, walks off to eat with Juliet. As Kate gathers up her dishes, she glances over and sees Juliet and Jack EATING TOGETHER. She realizes that she and Jack are, like, totally broken up. She looks shocked and hurt. I totally understand this feeling, because in second grade, my supposed best friend Heather played My Little Pony during recess with that bitch Kara instead of me. When I saw that, I knew we were SO not BFF anymore. It hurt. Kate barges into Sawyer's tent, tells him not to talk, and then proceeds to tears his clothes off and mount him in a style most unbecoming a lady. Sawyer asks if she is crying and she tells him not to talk. It's easy not to talk when someone has her tongue down your throat!
The boys are gathered around the campfire laughing while Jin is either telling ghost stories or engaging in some Korean Noh theater production where they hold a flashlight under their face and scare the bejesus out of Hurley. Charlie puts down his guitar and walks over to join Desmond who has opted to sit by himself in the bushes. Is there a merit badge for lurking? 'Cause Desmond has definitely earned it. Desmond is staring at the picture of him and Penny. Charlie asks about it, and Desmond shows it to him. Charlie takes the picture, leers at Penny and skeeves me out by saying, "That's not bad, Des, not bad at all." Is there a merit badge for having a hot girlfriend? Charlie asks how Desmond left her behind to come to the island and push a damn button? Desmond says he was a coward. Charlie mysteriously apologizes for Desmond's shortcomings, but Desmond says he was sorrier. He tried to run away from her, but she tracked him down because with enough money and determination you can find anyone. She never gave up. Now he hopes she spent the last three years looking for him. Is that a healthy relationship? I vote hell no! My impending rant on the topic is interrupted by the sound of a very troubled helicopter. The campers all listen as they helicopter propeller slows way down. Hurley asks if that is how it is supposed to sound and all three turn to glare at him and say, "No." They listen intently as the helicopter makes a cracking noise and then the propellers stop and the helicopter splashes into the water. Desmond looks positively aghast. Charlie and Hurley argue about whether they can go out in the ocean to attempt a rescue, but give up when Jin points out what looks to be a signal beacon attached to a parachuter descending through the night sky. Desmond claps his hands together and smiles in anticipation.
Jin has apparently learned enough English to argue that it wasn't a person but rather a Dharma Initiative Brand Food Drop (pat. pend.) Hurley doesn't buy it because of the signal beacon; he thinks it was a pilot who ejected. Charlie slaps Hurley on the back of the head and says he can't believe Hurley is so stupid as to think you can eject from a helicopter. And why does Hurley think it is someone? Because Desmond said someone was coming. The Three Stooges turn to stare at Desmond who is rapidly packing up camp sot they can go find the pilot. Charlie refuses to start tromping through the jungle in the middle of the night. When he mentions Rousseau's booby traps, I close my eyes and wrap up into a fetal position and rock back and forth until I realize that they aren't showing Charlie getting skewered. Desmond looks a mite guilty, but still says that all four of them have to go NOW. Why? Because that's the way it is supposed to happen. Charlie still refuses, saying, "Well then it's supposed to happen without me." Desmond pauses, checks his flashback for accuracy, and realizes that if they left now, the lighting would be all wrong. He agrees to leave at first light, but not before visualizing an impaled Charlie one last time. God!
Speaking of God, Brother Desmond and his busted nose knock at a door. Said door is opened by the man who socked him one on behalf of God. The guy tells him to leave, but is quickly pushed aside by a young woman who tells him he is not helping. Desmond weakly smiles and says, "Hello Ruth." Ruth and Desmond sit on opposite sides of the living room uncomfortably sipping tea. Ruth says she hears Desmond is a monk now. He explains that he is technically still a novice, she interrupts to explain that she really doesn't care but would like to know why he is there. He thought he owed her an explanation. She says that he couldn't begin to explain because he left one week before the wedding. Everything was planned, bought, and paid for. He interrupts to explain that he had a calling. That's funny, in this country they call it cold feet. She smirks because they had dated for six years and the closest he came to a religious experience was Celtic winning the cup. (What you thought it was something else?) Desmond recounts a drunken evening with a monk who had a rope tied around his waist. (Whoa, Catholic porn is way out of my league.) When he woke up in the gutter, he knew he was supposed to leave everything that mattered behind, sacrifice all of it, for a greater calling. Ruth is not impressed. "It's a good thing a bloody shepherd didn't help you up, you'd be off with the sheep." Now sheep porn, that I can handle. I am from Oregon after all. Ruth tells him that the time he wants to break up with someone he shouldn't join a monastery, but just tell the girl you're too bloody scared. Um, Ruth? I see you have a cross on your wall there, but I'm getting the impression you're a little fuzzy on the whole monk thing. You see, I don't know what you and your monks do, but generally monks don't break up with girls. 'Cause, you know, they're monks.
Juliet is pounding her lean-to together while Jack makes himself blush by asking if she is a doctor or a carpenter. Ugh. Learn to flirt, you morons! Maybe the helicopter pilot is actually expert help come to save us all from these incompetent chuckleheads with their baffling attempted flirting. Juliet laughs and says, "What, your dad didn't teach you how to swing a hammer?" Jack continues his awkward streak by over-sharing that his dad taught him how to drink. Juliet sort of "ha ha"s at this admission of way too personal information and says that at least it's something. Sawyer puts this conversation out of its misery by asking, "You two arguing over who is your favorite Other?" Heh. Sawyer tells Jack that there have been some developments on the Island since he went AWOL. Then he challenges Jack to whip it out and measure it. On the ping-pong table! The boys banter while they backhand. Jack asks where the table came from, and Sawyer says it came from the Hatch and if they don't play every 108 minutes the whole Island will explode. Hee-lar-ious! Jack whiffs a ball, and Sawyer is happy that he has finally found something he can beat him at. Jack won't let that slide and says that, since he hasn't played since he was 12, Sawyer shouldn't be too proud. Sawyer suggests that it must be weird being back. Jack says Kate said the same thing in the kitchen last night. Sawyer looks thoughtful while he puts two and two together. He asks if Kate and Jack ate together. Dude, you're getting laid when no one else on this crappy Island is, can you just shut up and enjoy it? When Jack explains that he ate with Juliet, Sawyer feels good enough about things to keep playing games. With Jack. Well, probably with Kate, too, but I can't bring myself to think about it.
Out in the jungle, Desmond is totally bossing everybody. Charlie whinges a bit about what is going to happen , and Desmond tells him that he saved his life three times and has earned a bit of trust. He would have a point if we didn't all know that he was totally untrustworthy and lying through his white, white teeth. Hurley says he is going to have a coronary, and Desmond says no, he's not. And he knows because he is psychic! Desmond is yelling at everyone to haul ass when Charlie finds a plastic hula girl. Jin suggests it is Rousseau's, a suggestion Charlie takes very seriously and seems to actually contemplate. Take note kids: Drugs really do fry your brains like eggs in a cast-iron skillet! As Charlie mulls over the possibility of Rousseau carrying around a plastic hula girl, Desmond notices a backpack caught in a tree. In his eagerness to retrieve it, he uses Hurley as a human ladder, which was sort of funny. He grabs the backpack and finds a satellite phone. It doesn't work, which as Charlie put it is a "shocker." Maybe I was wrong about his brain. As he empties the bag he finds a copy of Ardil-22 (that's Catch-22 in Portuguese for those too lazy to Google) with a picture of him in it. It's the same damn picture of him and Penny, which forces me to ask: Did they only take one photo together in their entire freakin' relationship?
It's Another Day in Paradise, and Kate is washing her neck in the communal water supply humming "I Wish it Would Rain Down" when Sawyer walks up to give her a mix tape. She smiles like she means it until she realizes it is Phil Collins's Greatest Hits. Which is pretty crappy, but fitting, considering it's pretty crappy that she is using Sawyer to work out her feelings about Jack. Sawyer asks why she jumped him last night. Was it because she saw Jack hanging out with Juliet? She said it wasn't like that, it was just something In the Air Tonight. He asks if it is Against All Odds that they'll have One More Night. She denies it had anything to do with Jack. Sawyer can see her True Colors, though, and tells her if she is going to use him, just to ask because he's an Easy Lover and it's A Groovy Kind of Love. If she is going to use him they will have to live Separate Lives. Oh Sawyer, don't you know that You Can't Hurry Love.
As our intrepid troop marches fearlessly through the jungle to save the downed pilot (is that a merit badge?), it finally dawns on Charlie that Desmond thinks the pilot is Penny. And we're back to the fried brain issue. He asks and Desmond says he hoped it was true, but after finding the picture, he knows it is. Charlie can't figure out why Desmond wouldn't tell them he thought it was Penny. Desmond asks, "Would you have come if I had?" Des, Charlie has no idea that he's about to get skewered like a wiener, so, yeah, he probably would have helped you find her if you'd asked. Desmond tries to cover his tracks by going on about not wanting to change anything in his vision. He just wants to rescue Penny. Charlie agrees that they shouldn't change anything, especially if his vision leads to getting them rescued from the Island. In the face of Charlie's helpfulness and solicitude, Desmond looks grim. It could be either the 47th rerun of Charlie getting speared or it could just be all that smoke he's inhaling from his pants. It starts to pour as the campers head out.
Desmond is getting saucy in the monastery. He is drunk and singing when the Main Monk busts him. The Main Monk points out that the wine fetches over a hundred quid per bottle and they've only bottled 108 cases this year. (Yes, he said 108, try not upset your new pacemaker, Mr. Conspiracy Theory.) Desmond snorts and says, "It's a good thing we've taken a vow of poverty then, eh?" The Main Monk points out that they've also taken a vow of charity. Desmond says "Right," and then chugs down some more of the wine before graciously passing the bottle over so the Main Monk can have a swig. The monk tells him that he doesn't think Desmond is cut out to be a monk. Maybe he could be a Trappist monk? Even if he has just had a few bad weeks? Can't he just do some penance? Or wear a cilice or something? The Main Monk replies, "I'm afraid you're beyond penance, Desmond." Desmond looks startled, "Brother Desmond, right?" The Main Monk shakes his head. Desmond asks if he is fired. The monk says yes, but Desmond does not accept. He heard the call! The Main Monk smiles and says God has bigger plans for him that don't include a life at the Abbey. Then he opines that Desmond has, "Spent too much time running away to realize what he may be running towards." Which is pretty darn meta for a wine-shilling monk. As the Main Monk stands up to leave, Desmond wants to know what he is supposed to do now. The monks suggests he climb every mountain, ford every stream, follow every rainbow, until he finds his dream.
As they hike through the rain storm, Jin's English skills have finally caught up to the conversation enough to ask who Penny is. Hurley explains that she's a girl Desmond used to date, and now he thinks she fell from the sky, and they are going to get her so that she can rescue all of them. When Jin looks confused, Hurley says that it wouldn't make sense even if he spoke Korean. Heh. Desmond tells them that if they don't stop that racket and hurry up, he is turning the car around and going home! Hurley claims he is going as fast as he can, but he's not The Flash. Charlie guffaws that anyone would want to be The Flash. Desmond looks stunned as the scene unravel just the way he foresaw it. He starts looking around frantically and finally sees the arrow perched on a branch. Just then Charlie steps on the tripwire, but Desmond can't just let him die. He knocks Charlie down and the arrow flies past his head. Charlie looks pissed. And he didn't even have to see the black-and-white vision of his death over and over and over again.
The rain has stopped, but it doesn't help them know where the parachute landed. Jin and Desmond disagree, so Hurley suggests they split up. Charlie wants to go with Desmond so he can yell at him. As he and Desmond search the woods for signs of a downed pilot, Charlie accuses Desmond of yelling "Duck!" And there was no duck. He looked and looked and there was no duck anywhere. A wild chicken, sure, but no duck. Desmond looks confused and Charlie explains that Desmond yelled "duck!" and how could he have known unless he had foreseen it? Charlie is understandably pissed that Desmond didn't tell him about the whole death by arrow thing. Desmond points out that if he had told him about it, he wouldn't have come. Which is probably true, but Charlie can't seem to see past the whole arrow-to-the-head thing. Charlie knows that Desmond was going to sacrifice him so he could get his girl back. Desmond explains that if his visions don't happen exactly like he saw them then it makes them moot. He was supposed to let Charlie die. But he didn't, and now it's pointless, especially because it just keeps happening, and Charlie should just die already! Des, he has to wait until he has a movie deal signed in ink. Then he can be killed off. Desmond makes a clumsy parallel between himself and Abraham and sacrifice. I would parse it out, but I don't care. Just accept that it ties into his time at the monastery and makes the flashback du jour not entirely pointless. The conversation is interrupted when they hear a shout from Jin. If my Korean serves me right, he is yelling that the buffet line is open and if they hurry there should still be some of those little quiches left. Obviously Desmond and Charlie rush over. Hurley and Jin are not in the buffet line. Man, does my Korean suck! They are standing underneath the pilot hanging in a tree. The pilot does not respond when they shout at her. Desmond looks horrified and starts apologizing a lot.
Desmond goes to say good-bye to the Main Monk. He tells Desmond that he can get him a ride back to town if he doesn't mind some heavy lifting. Desmond loads a bunch of wine into a car driven by -- Penny. He tells her how he is an ex-monk as of yesterday. She laughs at him, and he says it's not that funny. He tells her that God has big plans for him. She giggles some more. They flirt for a while, which strikes me as a really odd thing to do with a recently ex- monk. Where's that damn flirtation expert already? Geez, While Desmond and Penny flirt in the flashback, Hurley, Jin, and Charlie hold out the parachute to catch the pilot, Desmond climbs up the tree to cut the pilot down. After she drops, Hurley announces she is alive. Desmond shoves everyone out of the way. In the flashback, Desmond and Penny introduce themselves and stare meaningfully into each other's eyes. On the Island, Desmond starts to remove the pilot's helmet. He is still apologizing profusely to Penny and therefore is not prepared for the shock when he removes the helmet and finds someone who is definitely not Penny. Unless Penny photographs as a blonde but is actually African-American. The pilot mutters "Desmond" and then drifts out of consciousness. Everyone looks confused.