Abandoned

But no, it's not Libby. On the off chance you don't actually watch the show, preferring instead to read and scroll for about the same length of time (in which case, bless you), I'll try not to give it away before it actually happens, okay? I'll just let the show do the storytelling, which it does in its usual manner, i.e. focusing on one major character for the A-plot and flashbacks. And hopefully I won't say anything that identifies who dies.

So we open with Shannon�

Oh, damn. Sorry about that.

Shannon gives water to a thirsty Vincent, and the fact that she is actually looking after the damn dog is the first clue that we're in for some emergency sympathy-generation. Water to a dog? Shannon's not selfish at all! She even kisses Vincent, who sits there, tongue lolling out, and he doesn't spoil the moment by humping her leg. This is a kind of restraint that Sayid can't exactly boast of.

Speak of the devil. Sayid strolls by, tosses her a bag or something, and cheerfully tells her to gather her things, and keeps walking, expecting her to follow. She wants to know where they're going, but she's giggling, because the last time he did this it turned out to be a romantic candlelit picnic, capped off by a night of snuggling and jokes about blue balls. And then she returned to camp to find out her brother was dead. So you can see why she'd be so eager to recreate the Sayid Magical Mystery Tour of Love.

A ways down the beach, Sayid's got some sort of deluxe tent thing set up with canvas and palm fronds. Shannon smiles and asks if it has an inside. I'm no physicist, butyes? They go inside, which is all Queer Eye for the Persian Guy with candles and flowers everywhere. Sayid's really putting on the full-court press here. She's amazed. "When did you do this?" she asks. During the endless hours of NOTHING TO DO you have when you're a plane crash survivor on a deserted island, is my guess. Sayid simply says, "It's all for you," and she thanks him, and he gives her a husky, "You're quite welcome," and then sees his opening and moves in, and then start kissing. Shannon slides her hand down his back, towards his assand turns out that is a gun in his pocket. Or waistband, anyway, and he apologizes it and removes it. She asks if he needs to carry it around all the time. "I only carry it because I have someone to protect," he says. Sayid, I like you, but relax; I think you're in there this time. And sure enough, they hit the floor of the Iraqi love shack.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the island, the Ana-Lucia crew is resting in the jungle darkness. Cindy risks a beating by telling Ana-Lucia that it's been an hour and they should get moving again. Ana-Lucia gruffly responds to let 'em rest a little longer. She herself does not need rest, for she is Ana-Lucia, Sneering Warrior-Woman. Cindy's all worried about the Others showing up, and Ana-Lucia has no answer to that, other than her perpetual scowl. Sawyer offers up the theory that she's lost, and you'll never believe this, but she snaps at him, and when he asks her which way to go (calling her "Ponce de Leon") her response is ask him which way he'd go. Sawyer wants to wait for Mistereko to come back. "If your friend didn't run off, Eko would still be here, now, wouldn't he? You sure didn't have any problem leaving him behind, though, huh?" Ana-Lucia's going to have to try a whole lot better than that if she's trying to make Sawyer feel bad. He says that Michael only cares about himself and his kid: "Neither's got squat to do with me." And then for some reason Robert Horry is there, and -- no, wait, that's Michael, saying, "Glad you feel this way," and you know, if a guy like Michael, whose preferred form of jungle traversal is yelling and crashing through the bush, can sneak up on the Tailaways like this, it is no wonder that the Others have been kicking their asses since the crash. Sawyer looks at Mike and at least has the decency to appear chagrined. Sawyer says he didn't expect to see Michael again. Maybe that's because you took off in the opposite direction. Jin strolls up now to say a few words in Korean, clearly admonishing Sawyer. "Yeah, yeah, Chewie, I know," sighs Sawyer.

Eko enters the picture, and Ana-Lucia sounds genuinely concerned when she asks if he's okay. He says he is, but they have to leave now, because he saw them. This prompts a flurry of questions from the Tailaways, including this one from Libby: "Did you see the kids?" She's sharply rebuked by Ana-Lucia, like she doesn't want the Tailaways to talk about it, and Eko doesn't answer Libby anyway, just repeats that they have to leave now, so Ana gives the order, and they set out again, Sawyer grunting as he struggles to his feet.

Speaking of grunting, we're back at the Iraqi Love Shack, where Shannon and Sayid are naked and in a post-coital embrace, and I'd just like to point out that by the timer on my VCR it's been about two minutes. While Sayid strokes her hair, Shannon asks if all this means that they're serious now, and I kind of want to know if the writers are serious with this dialogue. "Quite definitely not," deadpans Sayid. True in both cases! "I do this for all the girls I meet on deserted islands." He's kidding, but I hope we get a little more insight into what's happening with Sayid that his whole Nadia thing -- you know, the love he has that served as his driving motivation in both of the Sayid-centric episodes last year? -- seems to have gone by the wayside. Either he's lying to Shannon, which I don't think fits with what we've seen so far in terms of the guy's integrity, or Nadia? He's just not that into you. However, I'm willing to accept that deserted-island sex with a fellow crash survivor is both defensible and wicked awesome. Shannon giggles, then starts to get up for some water. My wife made me promise not to make a joke about what she needs that for. Sayid kisses her forehead and says he'll go for her. He pulls on his pants and zips up and says he'll be right back, and exits the tent, Shannon smiling. She leans back, and then we hear a rustling, and I swear to god the closed-captioning reads "TENT FLAPUSTLES" as the candle behind her blows out. She's startled, but apparently thinks it's Sayid returning, and she says, "That was quick," which is something men always enjoy hearing after sex, but she glances up and sees Walt. Just like the last time she saw him, he's dripping wet. I paused it on Walt, and looks like puberty's hit, because he looks older and leaner. And Shannon screams as he whispers unintelligibly, and it sounds like the first word he says is "swallow," which, umjust how long has he been standing there?

Back from commercial, Sayid's finished searching around the tent and says there's no one there. Shannon insists she saw Walt, but Sayid gently tells her that it was a dream. She insists, but he's still skeptical. And oh good! Here comes Charlie! He asks what's going on, and Sayid says it was just a dream, so the princess herself stomps off, Sayid following. Claire comes along, carrying Turniphead, and Charlie tells her Shannon had a nightmare (even though no one but him believed Claire when she said someone attacked her), and then he acts like a complete dick about her waking Aaron up in the middle of the night like this, especially since Claire's reaction to screaming was to take her baby towards the screams. "I thought she needed help," says Claire. Well, what was Aaron supposed to do? Not that Claire needs to defend her mothering to Charlie, who starts going on about how he's going to need feeding now (are you the one feeding the child, Chucky?) and how he's going to be fussy all day. "Fussy" is preferable to "sanctimonious," if you ask me. But Claire actually apologizes to Charlie instead of kicking him in his tiny balls, and Charlie graciously says "no harm done" and then TAKES CLAIRE'S BABY FROM HER and starts soothing him.

Shannon is already packing her things at the Iraqi love shack, and I hope they haven't merged their CD collections yet, because if they have, this could take a while. In a surprise move, Shannon has decided to stomp off in a snit. Sayid wants to talk about it. "Do you believe me?" she says? And Sayid doesn't answer. Meaning, "Of course not, you silly bint." So Shannon stomps off, saying she knows what she saw.

And now we get dragged into some flashbacks that are going to attempt to show us why a nice, non-shallow ambitious person Shannon used to be and that it's not her fault at all that she turned into the self-centred manipulative prima donna that crashed on Craphole Island.

We're in a ballet studio, with several little girls doing pirouettes and that one leg thing that ballerinas do, and that other thing that ballerinas do, and there's Shannon in a pink tutu, helping "Sophie" with her form. Sophie wants to know if her "papa" saw her, and she and Shannon glance over to the other side of the room, where Papa is paying no attention whatsoever, choosing instead to flirt with one of the other instructors. So Shannon lies and says she thinks Sophie's papa did see her.

Class is over, and the little music-box dancers are going home, and the other instructor comes over so she and Shannon can have a good laugh over Papa wanting her to be his "au pair," and Shannon says "au pair my ass," which probably isn't far from what Papa had in mind. And Shannon's friend starts going off in this stereotypical French accent (saying "ze" for "the"), going on about accidentally walking in on her in "ze shower." Shannon's cell phone rings, and how nice of her not to turn it off when she's in the studio. A woman's voice tells her that her father's in the hospital, St. Sebastian's. Shannon will meet her there. St. Sebastian's, eh?

At the hospital, a doctor approaches "Mrs. Rutherford?" as a scowly Jack stomps angrily down the hall. So the doctor suggests talking elsewhere, and elsewhere turns out to mean "strolling down the corridor," as he tells them that Mr. Rutherford was in a head-on collision with an SUV, stopped breathing on the scene, unable to revive, he's dead, the decisions you make will adversely affect your stepdaughter, and she'll wind up manipulative, especially when it comes to your son, ma'am (whom she'll seduce). "May I see him?" says Mrs. Rutherford. Not "may we see him," mind. In fact, the doctor has to ask if Mrs. Rutherford's daughter would like to come too. "Stepdaughter," corrects Mrs. Rutherford. Yes, and the DEAD GUY'S ACTUAL DAUGHTER, Mrs. Rutherford. In order to make Shannon appear to have once been sweet and not self-centred, her foil in tonight's episode naturally has to have all the shades of grey of a Disney cartoon villain. "Come along, Shannon," says Mrs. Rutherford, who's taking the death an awful lot better than Shannon is.

Meanwhile, back on Craphole Island, Ana-Lucia asks Eko how much farther it is to the Lostaways' camp. "A day. Maybe more. Maybe less," he says. Well, that covers it, as Ana-Lucia dryly notes.

Farther down the line, Sawyer collapses, and a concerned Libby asks if he's okay. Sawyer snarls that he is, which is hard to sell when you're falling down every five minutes. She asks to have a look at his shoulder, and he asks if she's a doctor. "Clinical psychologist," she says. On this island, she'll have her appointment calendar full for the rest of the series. Sawyer says maybe she should try talking to his wound. Would he prefer being attended to by Ana-Lucia? ("Sawyer, does your shoulder feel better when I JAM A STICK INTO IT?") Libby asks how he got shot. "By a gun," says Sawyer. And just when you're wondering why anyone wouldn't leave Sawyer behind, Michael tells her Sawyer got shot when Walt was kidnapped. Oh, damn. I forgot about his redeeming qualities. Libby tells him the wound is bad, but not "real bad," and he'll be okay. Sawyer gets back to his feet and they continue.

Hurley and Rose are doing the laundry on the beach, and Hurley wonders why they're hanging clothes to dry when there's a dryer in "the hatch." So right off we know that there's nothing to do with the hatch again this week, and this conversation is the writers saying, "Right, we know, we'll get back there, we haven't forgotten." Rose says she doesn't like the hatch, and prefers drying clothes in sun and fresh air, but Hurley thinks it's because of the doomsday button.

Shannon comes up to contrivedly ask where the guys on the raft left all their stuff, and Hurley says, essentially, it's where they left it. As Shannon goes, Rose observes that it can't be easy losing the one person she loves on the island. Don't worry, Rose. I bet you find out at some point, possibly during sweeps.

So Shannon finds Walt's clothes, and makes Vincent sniff him. "You're always trying to run off and find him? Then find him. Find Walt!" Yeah, this is necessary. The dog might have forgotten his master's scent, after all. So Walt takes off, Shannon following, holding the leash. "Good dog! Find Walt!" They emerge from the jungle onto another section of beach, which is, unfortunately for Shannon and groaningly for the viewer, where Boone is buried, with a little cross that reads "Boone Carlyle." Once again, Vincent has proven himself to be, while quite cute, utterly useless. Maybe that's why Shannon's finally taken a shine to him.

A fussing Aaron is crying in his cradle while Claire rocks him. Since that doesn't work, she tries apologizing for waking him the night before. Still no luck. Locke strolls by. "How's that cradle treating you?" he asks, like how often does she have to thank him for the damn thing, and she says it's working great: "It's the baby that's the problem." Locke crouches by the cradle. "May I?" he says. And then he's wrapping a docile Aaron up tightly in a blanket like a little baby enchilada, while explaining that babies like feeling constricted, and it's only when we're older that we desire to be free. So this is another one of his Yoda mind tricks. A grateful Claire takes Aaron into her arms and gently rocks him. "You know, I think everyone knows more about my baby than me," she says. She explains that Charlie read her the "riot act" last night for waking Aaron, and as mad as it made her, turns out he was right. Oh, don't worry about Charlie. The only reason he knows so much about babies is because he uses them for drug mules. She bitches, not too vehemently, about her and Charlie playing Mom and Dad to Aaron, even though she doesn't remember marrying him. "For all I know, Charlie could be some religious freak." Locke laughs and says he doubts it. Claire wants to know, then, why he's always carrying around the Virgin Mary statue he says he found in the jungle. Locke looks slightly concerned, but doesn't say anything to Claire about it. "How 'bout that," is all he comes up with.

Shannon's still sitting on the beach staring at Boone's cross. We flash back to her father's funeral, with a mourning-clad Shannon having a tough time. Her dad's casket is in some sort of outdoor gazebo thing, which is nice, because the bereaved can get in some croquet while they're remembering Mr. Rutherford. She approaches the casket, and behind her, we hear Boone say, "Death sucks, doesn't it?" Well, Boone would know. She turns around, and is glad to see him, despite his hair looking like -- I don't even know what. I mean, it's a little mullety, and a little parted in the middle with theseparentheses of hair on his temples. ["We know it's a flashback; why they thought Somerhalder needed a wig to drive that home for us is a mystery, at least to me." -- Sars] She cry-laughs and hugs him, and he says, "I'm so sorry, Shan." "You came back," she says. Back from where? Something tells me any questions raised by the flashbacks this episode might never get answered. A little ways away, Cruella de Carlyle sees the two hugging and scowls.

Inside Rutherford House, Boone's helping himself to some teacups and asking Shannon where her Marky Mark poster is. "I'm 18, Boone," she says, and so I guess we're seeing a little timeline-fudging going on. Since Island Shannon has said she's 20, that would make the car crash only two years ago, but Jack supposedly met his wife before that. I'm willing to accept Shannon lying about her ageif only she had ever demonstrated vanity! Boone complains about the lack of booze at the wake -- fortunately he brought his own scotch, which he puts in the cups. They toast Shannon's dad, and she almost starts crying at Boone's fugly haircut. He invites her to visit him in New York when "all this" is over, which is a nice way to refer to her father's death. She says she'll be living in New York herself if she gets the job with the Martha Graham dance company. And despite me knowing less about ballet than, well, anything, I've heard that name before. Although I suppose it could be I'm thinking of Martha Stewart. Shannon says the internship is a one in three thousand chance, but she might get it. Too bad we know how that turns out. And in case we can't decode Mama Rutherford's frosty glare, Boone has to ask if Shannon's been getting along with her. "She hates me," she says softly. "Just try to talk to her," says Boone, which ain't exactly a denial. Shannon says that Mama Rutherford resented Shannon's relationship with her father from day one. Awww, poor Shannon. She was really sweet, right? It's only because of Mama Rutherford that Shannon became so self-involved, right? Give me a break.

Back on Mystery Friggin' Island, the Tailaways have made their way to the coast and are moving across the rocks. Eko watches Sawyer hobbling painfully along and tells Ana-Lucia that they need a break, so she tells everyone to take five. "We have to cut inland," he tells her, much to her surprise; the Lostaways are on the beach, so she figured they'd follow the coast. "The beach curves into a peninsula ahead. It may not be passable," he says. "'May not'?" she asks. He looks at her and says "may not" again. She guesses that he's doing this to get the "cowboy" back to the camp faster. "You would risk our lives to help him?" she says, and he says, simply, "It's the only way I know." He brushes past her to rejoin the group. "I liked you better when you weren't talking," she says after him. Now you know how EVERYONE ELSE feels, Ana-Lucia.