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Wow, what a great hour-long episode that would have made, huh? True story: as I type this, PJ Harvey singing "Is That All There Is" came up on my iTunes shuffle.
The Goonies manage to snag themselves some dynamite, only Arse blows himself up. Yay! I can't believe I never pegged him as total redshirt material; I thought he was going to be part of Lost: The Generation. And now we can't tell Arse from a hole in the ground. But they've got the dynamite, and they're going to blow up the hatch. On the way back to the hatch, Locke gets grabbed by Lostzilla. As far getting a glimpse of the island's security system? Not so much. I guess the rope or chain or tentacle or whatever the hell grabbed Locke was our "glimpse." At any rate, Locke almost gets dragged down a hole, a fate that he doesn't exactly seem to fear. But it's because, as he tells Jack, he's a man of faith, and the island brought them all there for a reason. What reason, and how, and all that, ain't getting revealed. The flashbacks are all of the "watch everybody getting on the plane" variety, and the entire purpose seems to be to show that most of them almost missed the plane -- but wound up on it anyway. Weirdest moment: the ad for Good Morning: America that promises an important "secret scene" that the producers couldn't squeeze in. Yeah, so important that there was no room for it anywhere in this two-hour bloat of an episode. If anybody watched that, you are banned from the site.
Meanwhile, Rousseau kidnaps Turniphead and makes for the black smoke, apparently to try to trade for her own baby who was kidnapped all those years ago. Charlie and Sayid race after her (making a pit stop at the Boone Death Plane, where Charlie snags himself some heroin). When they catch Rousseau at the black smoke fire, there are no "others." Because maybe when a crazy person talks about hearing voices, there aren't actually others.
Or are there? The dudes on the Millennium Falkon-Tiki (tm sdPalladio) fire off the flare gun after spotting something on the radar. And they are relieved to be spotted by...Biker Gang Boat Party? D'oh...? The bikers want Walt. Hand 'im over, they growl. And when their spotlight goes out, Sawyer gets shot, and hits the water. Jin jumps in after him. Walt is forcibly taken, and Mercutio ends up in the water as well, watching his son being kidnapped, his raft blowing up behind him. Gave me chills.
And in the final scene, also going for chills but winding up in frustration at the lack of answers, the hatch is blown, and finally opened. But if you thought we were going to find out what's inside, you don't know Jack. The hatch goes down, waaaaaaaay down. And the ladder's busted. That's not a cliffhanger. That's the writers needing to have their crack pipes cleaned over the summer and get things moving. Want more? The full recap starts right below!
Previously on Lost: the entire goddamn series. Almost three minutes of clips. Because so many people choose to start watching on a show for its season finale. You've got to be kidding me. I'm in a bad mood already.Turniphead's crying, and Claire's trying to shush him, and she seems to be using cotton batting for diapers. I don't think that'll hold. We see a shot of the black smoke, and it looks the same as ever, that non-moving straight column of smoke, and how expensive could it have been to make an actual fire for the smoke shots? Especially if you're going to cheap out on the effects and have the smoke appear to be this motionless column that goes straight up? Somebody check the raft, because if the smoke is anything to go by, there's no wind, and that raft is probably just bobbing on the water right beside the island. Charlie strolls over to hustle Claire's ass up, because everybody's heading to the caves. Since the whole point of getting out of there is because the "others" are supposedly coming for the baby, I'm pretty sure Claire's not going to get left behind. But Claire freaks because no one ever told her how to change diapers or something, and she snaps at Charlie, who as much as he annoys me is only trying to help, and he tells her everything's going to be all right, and she screeches that everyone's telling her that, but they're not the ones with the baby. No, they're the ones with two babies, apparently.
Sayid's telling a bunch of lineless extras that they need to get to the caves before sundown. "The rest of us will be right behind you," he says. Then the troops are dismissed. Charlie comes running up, telling Sawyer that he wants a gun, and Sayid tells him, essentially, to piss off, and they reminisce about the last time Charlie had a gun, and Charlie says he killed a murderer and did everyone a favour, and maybe by that logic he can go and shoot Sawyer and Kate and be done with it. Sayid tells Charlie that he's "emotionally involved," which is apparently only allowed when Sayid's helping out Shannon to keep the Sayid Booty Train running, and says if Charlie wants to help, he should help Claire get packed and off to the caves. "Packed"? What "packed"? They're fleeing, not moving to a two-bedroom by the park. Charlie nods, but he doesn't look thrilled.
Back in the jungle, the Goonies are speechless in front of the Black Rock, which I imagine is the normal reaction to coming across old landlocked ocean-going vessels. "How exactly does something like this happen?" asks Hurley, and Rousseau asks him if he's on the same island she is. Heh. She's crazy, not stupid. Arse the science guy does his best to come up with an explanation, theorizing that a tsunami could have deposited the ship there. Sure, works for me. It doesn't appear to concern the others, though, as they're already headed for the ship. Except for Rousseau, who's headed back the way they came, telling them that the dynamite is in the hold. Jack tries to stop her, but she says she did what they asked. They need the dynamite, not her, and she leaves, and Locke is all, "Let her go, Jack," even though it doesn't look like Jack exactly has any say in the matter, so he mutters a "dammit" all tough guy afterwards, because people aren't listening to him. He starts giving Arse some instructions, but Arse says there ain't no way he's going into the ship. Hurley too: "I'm gonna stay out here and hang with Arse." Hang with Arse? I'd be in that ship so fast…
So looks like it's Locke, Kate, and Jack, who make their way through darkened room and up ladder, Locke hitting his head on some chains hanging from the ceiling. Jack's got a flashlight, but it's not until he steps on a foot bone that he sees the skeletons, shackled to the walls of the ship. "Slaves," says Locke. This is what all of Lost's viewers will look like by the time we see Lostzilla. Looking around, Locke figures the ship was probably en route to a mining colony, and probably set off from the eastern coast of Africa, Mozambique. Jack finds what looks like the door to the hold.
They push it open. Nice-looking set, to my non-expert eyes. Although the stenciled "EXPLOSIVES" on the box that Kate finds looks a little too modern for me.
All you need to know about Arse is summed up by what he's saying as we join his diatribe already in progress: "And then my third wife, she says, get this, she says, 'I didn't sign up for this.' Now you tell me, what the hell is that even supposed to mean?" Hurley doesn't say anything, he just stares straight ahead, hoping this will be over soon. Arse snorts and asks if he's boring Hurley, and Hurley doesn't even appear to have caught what he said, which really makes Arse snap: "I'm sorry that I'm not cool enough to be part of your merry little band of adventurers," he says. Hurley says, "What?" Arse says that he recognizes a clique when he sees one, since he teaches at a high school. And he goes off on how Hurley and company think that they're the only ones who do anything important, and that there are 40 other lostaways, and they're people too. Look, whatever. I think everybody knows that you can only focus on so many characters for a television show. This is why everybody on Beverly Hills always managed to be in the same classes all the time. Hurley says what I'm thinking when he says, "Ohhh-kay."
Inside the ship, Kate immediately starts trying to pry open the case with a pickaxe, for god's sake. She's stopped by Jack, who says they should take the box out in the open before they try to violently open the box of dangerous explosives. Kate tries to take the box, but Jack all manly is all "I got it."
Outside, Arse is still going on about the little Lost clique. And I'm sorry, I find it a lot more believable to assume that there is lots of interaction with the other lostaways, just that most of it happens off camera. I find that a lot more plausible than Arse's claim that Jin never brings fish for anyone else. Arse might want to consider that the other teachers didn't want him sitting with them in the cafeteria not because of their own little cliques but because he's an annoying windbag. Of all the nagging problems with this show that could be addressed in a meta-rant like this, this is the one J.J. goes after? Oh, and this one too: "And some of us have actually lost weight while we're here. Now, you mind telling me where you're hiding the carbs?" And fortunately Arse stops mid-spaz to freak out at Jack and Locke carrying the dynamite out. Well, you wouldn't go in with them, what did you think they were going to do? He makes Locke and Jack put the box down gently, and has them step away from it. As he crouches by the crate, he asks if any of them know what happens to dynamite in ninety-plus degree heat. "It sweats nitroglycerin," he says, gently prying the lid from the box, and lifting it off. Jack comes forward, earning a quick rebuke from Arse. Jack steps back.
We get a little science lesson from Arse, who explains that dynamite is nitroglycerin stabilized by clay. He lifts out a stick, covered in crusty white stuff. He says it's the most dangerous and unstable explosive known to man, not to mention a handy boost on just about any car-racing videogame ever. He asks Kate for her shirt, which he needs to wrap the dynamite (not gratuitous cheesecake potential, although Kate is wearing a tank top; it seems to be because she's the only one wearing more than one layer). She obliges, and he soaks the shirt in muddy water as he lectures on about the man who invented nitroglycerin, who none of them have heard of because "he blew his frigging face off." Well, that could happen to anyone, Arse, who I can't believe isn't wearing a redshirt (and I can't believe I didn't peg him as a redshirt ages ago). He gingerly wraps the dynamite and continues the story about the inventor's assistant coming in to find his mentor detonated, and said, "I guess this stuff does work."
The dynamite's wrapped, and Arse says they're not going to take any more than they need, because nitro is extremely temperamental. And given that, and given him hectoring them on the danger, is Arse really going to start waving the dynamite around? I doubt it -- but I like it. The dynamite blows, so suddenly that no one even has time to yell, "Noooooooooo!" But the other Goonies are thrown backward. We get an extra-special belly-cam shot from Hurley, who sits up and says, "Man, I can't believe that Arse just blew himself up!" (Pronounced "dude.")
We're back in the airport lounge with Jin and Sun, only this time we're apparently watching it from Jin's perspective, which includes some Sun sandwich-cutting that I don't remember from her flashback before she spilled the drink on Jin's lap, but I guess that's no biggie. Also, we get subtitles this time, which we didn't before. Not that they're very illuminating or anything, just Jin asking where the restroom is, and nothing about his sexy wife helping him out of his wet pants.
He strides off, and we see Sayid being escorted by a couple of airport security dudes, one of whom says they're sorry for the inconvenience, like please explain to me where this ridiculously apologetic airport is so I can take all my air travel out of there, please, and Sayid says, "I'm sure you are," not sincerely but not angrily either, and the airport security dude points out that Sayid's bag was left alone, and Sayid just asks if he's free to go, as he has a plane to catch.
Jin washes up in the bathroom. The man at the sink to him asks him for some paper towels, after finding his dispenser broken. Jin's at a loss, so the dude realizes he can't speak English, and he helps himself. And then says, "Here's a paper towel." In a nice little surprise, he says it in perfect Korean. (And since paper towel in Korean seems to be a phonetic approximation of "paper towel" in English, then I think that Jin might have figured out what the guy was asking for, especially as he was also pointing at the paper towel dispenser, but WHATEVER.) Jin's quite surprised, and the guy glances at him. "I work for Mr. Paik," he says. Jin's like, "Oh shit." I'm relatively certain that the guy doesn't need to tell Jin that Mr. Paik is Jin's father-in-law and employer, but that's what he does. "You've been following me?" says Jin, and the guy is like, "That's a big 10-4." He says he knows Jin was planning to run away, but he's going to take that watch to Mr. Paik's friend in California. "You do anything else, anything, you will lose her." Don't steal my Sun-shine, says Jin's face. "You are not free. You never have been, and you never will be," says the guy. Oddly enough, this is exactly what Sars said to me during our last contract "negotiation." Jin watches the guy leave the bathroom. Did he ever actually wash his hands? 'Cause that's just nasty.
At the moment, though, Jin does look free, as he rides the raft with a smile on his face. His blissful reverie is interrupted by Walt, who points out small mountains on the far side of the island. "How does a place this big never get discovered?" wonders Mercutio, which is begging the question as to whether the place actually hasn't been discovered, but that doesn't matter. Sawyer says they could build a hell of a resort here, like Sawyer is some kind of resort genius, thinking people would want to come to a tropical island like this. "You build your resort. I'm happy to say goodbye to this place forever," says Mercutio. And Walt asks about the people they've left behind, and Mercutio says he hopes they can save them. And for some reason Sawyer is singing all over Mercutio and Walt's lines, like all of sudden Sawyer likes to burst into song, and it's a good thing he's singing Bob Marley, and he and Mercutio bond over it. Ebony and ivory, rafting together in perfect harmony. Even Jin has this look on his face like, "Dude, sing it. Marley. Righteous," so I guess he's into island rhythms as well. Too bad Sayid didn't rig them up a CD player.
Back on the beach, Sun is still staring out at the water, like maybe someone should tell her that the raft is going to need a little more time to produce some results. Behind her, Shannon is struggling to drag a suitcase over the sand with another bag slung over her shoulder, while carrying another smaller bag and holding Vincent's leash. Her struggles attract the attention of Sir Galahad himself, Sayid, who comes over and instead of helping her he asks why she needs so much stuff. "Don't you have a hike to lead?" she asks snottily, and drops one of her bags, clothes spilling out. Sayid's gathering them up and notices they're Boone's clothes (T-shirt that says "Urban Hymns Tour 1998"). Shannon says she needs them, and then breaks down very sobbingly and tearingly. She's a fine actress, I just don't know why we need to see this, again. She's all, "It's too much!" what with her brother/lover dead and now "the others" are coming. Sayid strokes her face and tells her it won't be too much if he helps her carry her bags, which oughta shut her cry-hole.
Hurley's sitting, and Kate comes over to sit down to him and ask if he's okay. "That was messed up," says Hurley quietly. "He just -- exploded -- in front of us. He was just trying to help." Hurley's quiet for a moment, then says, "This is because I came." And Kate doesn't know what he's talking about, so Hurley tells her that he's bad luck. So here we go again with the "Hurley is bad luck" nonsense, the effects of which we never saw before Hurley's flashback episode, and haven't since then. Kate tells him it was an accident, and if Hurley knew more about Kate, he'd be a little less keen to accept what happened as an accident.
So I can't believe what I'm seeing. Locke and Jack are pulling out the dynamite again. The dynamite just blew up Arse, like two minutes ago. They haven't abandoned this incredibly stupid plan. "Locke, we should think about this," says Jack, like NO SHIT. Locke's adamant, though, that this is the only way, so Jack agrees and doesn't see Locke's smirk. And you know what? Let's fast-forward this, because the tension here? Not so much as with Arse. I mean, no one really cared about Arse blowing up, and if they did it was because they were hoping it would happen, but at any rate it was precisely because he's such a minor character that the possibility existed that the dynamite would explode. Something tells me they're not blowing up Locke or Jack any time soon. Call it a hunch. Locke says something about enjoying playing games, or whatever.
Back at the beach, Charlie is wasting precious time by coming up with a sling for Claire to transport Turniphead in, her arms suddenly not good enough. It's a nice gesture, I suppose, and it earns him a kiss on the cheek. Suddenly Rousseau comes storming out of the bush, demanding to know where Sayid is, and Charlie points, and Rousseau says she needs him. So Charlie goes to get him, telling Claire, "Hey, you and your baby stay here alone with the crazy, agitated woman with a rifle who knows her way around dynamite," and he takes off. And as soon as he goes, Rousseau starts throwing the crazy-lady stare at Turniphead. "What is his name?" she hisses, and Claire looks really uncomfortable, and I guess I can't blame her. "I haven't named him yet," she says as nonchalantly as possible. Rousseau asks to hold the baby. Claire ignores the question (bad idea) and nervously asks why she needs Sayid. "You don't want me to hold him," deduces Rousseau, sounding hurt, and Claire makes up an excuse about how she just fed him. Rousseau pleads, and Claire sees the scratches on her arm. She flashes back to a memory of herself struggling with Rousseau. Man, repressed memories float up at the scariest times, don't they? "Why did I do that? Why did I scratch you?" she says, as defiantly as she can, and Rousseau just stares. Claire goes from determined to terrified fairly quickly. Commercials.
So this two-hour whale of an episode is just so jam-packed that we're actually cutting off bits of scenes when we come back from commercial, and Charlie is scrabbling around a hotel room saying something about having to catch a plane in a couple of hours. In the bathroom, he finds a little bag of heroin, and the drugged-out chick in the bedroom asks if he wants to do another "bump." He pockets the baggie and says it's all gone. He's got some champagne, though! She starts searching for drugs, saying there must be some left. She is, awesomely, wearing a sleeveless Poison t-shirt. I can't explain how much that rules. Charlie is attempting to skedaddle with the drugs, so he offers to send her an autographed copy of his CD, which she can listen to whenever she wants. She then slags off his "piece of crap CD" by his "piece of crap band," which, again, awesome, and maybe our mutual dislike of Drivecrap and Charlie can overcome our differences in views on being addicted to heroin. After all, it must be reiterated that she's wearing a Poison t-shirt. And that the chords to "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" can be learned by anyone at Day One of guitar lessons, and in fact can be played by a finite number of monkeys with a finite number of guitars, like immediately. Charlie's all hurt that the junkie skag he scored isn't quite the fan she made herself out to be last night, like how naïve is it possible for a so-called rock god to be? "Fine, I'm a huge fan," she says sarcastically. "Drive-Thru's the best band evah." Ha! I can't believe they waited so long to introduce this character. I wish she'd been on the plane. And then for some reason moron Charlie takes out the baggie to play with the drugs, and she sees it, and she starts kicking the shit out of him, like, they should call this episode "Junkie In a Sleeveless Poison Shirt Beats Up Charlie" and just show this for two hours. He finally throws her off -- momentarily, anyway. She gets up and beats on him some more, calling him pathetic, before stomping out the door. But he's still got the heroin, so who's pathetic now, huh? Oh right, still Charlie.
Charlie's comes dashing up to Sayid and tells him that Rousseau needs him, but he doesn't know why. That doesn't seem to matter, though, as we hear someone screaming. So the two of them go running back, and Claire's lying on the ground, being tended to by Sun, who shows them a rag bloodied by a wound to Claire's head. Charlie checks the crib, and Turniphead's nowhere to be found. Fortunately, Claire isn't unconscious. Unfortunately, though, she's hysterical and screaming and doesn't know which way Rousseau went. Charlie chooses this moment to remind everyone just how cool, calm, and collected he is in the face of a crisis, and he does so by slugging Sayid. Charlie screeches that it's all Sayid's fault, because Sayid didn't give him a gun. Sayid's fault? How would things have changed if he had a gun? Just that Charlie would have been armed when he, you know, left Claire alone with the rifle-packin' crazy woman. Sayid grabs the li'l hobbit by the throat and calmly tells Charlie not to hit him again, tacking on a "plenty of blame to go around" clause to his threat. No time to waste pointing fingers, he says. "She has a head start. If we leave now, we can catch her," says Sayid, even though that makes NO SENSE. Charlie wonders how they're going to do that, and Sayid says he knows where she's going.
Back at the Black Rock, Jack is stuffing rags and stuff into his backpack, saying he'll take all the dynamite, and the more insulation the better. Because they're still going ahead with the idiotic plan that just a moment ago killed one of them already. Locke says they should split up the dynamite into two groups of three sticks as a "fail-safe." "That way, if one of us --" Pulls an Arse? Jack says, "You and me, then," and Locke makes this hand gesture like, "well, obviously." But Kate has strolled up and wants to carry some dynamite. Jack makes his "oh great, the broad expects equal status in our island society" face. "It's not going to happen, no," says Jack, flatly, and they argue about it, with Kate saying that this is why she came and it's not Jack's decision, and Jack saying she wasted a trip and it is in fact his decision, and Locke finally says they'll draw straws, since they don't have time to bicker, and fate will decide. Jack looks like he wants to strangle Locke, but grudgingly assents. He looks at Hurley and asks if he wants in on the Dynamite Transportation Lottery, and Hurley doesn't say anything. Given that we've finally touched again on Hurley's alleged bad luck, shouldn't we revisit the fact that Hurley is bad luck only for other people? Shouldn't Hurley offer to take the whole load? The reason Hurley isn't saying anything is that he's a little grossed out because Jack has "a little Arse" on him, pointing to a little scrap of what is I guess is supposed to be Arseflesh.
So they don't have time to bicker about who's carrying dynamite, but they have time for the drawing of straws? Locke and Kate draw the short straws, so they're carrying the dynamite. Jack's clearly not impressed.
Out on the boat, Mercutio is explaining to Walt that they have a transmitter that sends out an SOS in case anyone's listening, and radar so they can see if anyone's out there. Jin flicks it on, and he and Mercutio fiddle around with the equipment while Walt turns his attention to Sawyer, who's reading the messages in the bottle. Walt indignantly tells Sawyer that the messages are private, and Sawyer just smirks at him. "Yup," he says. He then explains that he never knew Tracy missed her husband and kids so much, considering she's been using Scott to keep her warm at night. "That's Steve. Scott's dead," Walt corrects him, and Sawyer is all "whatever" and maybe Arse was right about the little group not caring about the rest of the lostaways after all. Then, reading another note, Sawyer wonders who the hell "Hugo" is and how he has $160 million to leave to his mom. Walt asks Sawyer how he'd like it if Walt read his note, and Sawyer casually explains that he didn't leave a message in the bottle because the only letter he ever wrote was to the man he's going to kill (without adding, "Assuming I get it right this time!"). Walt nonchalantly asks Sawyer why he's going to kill him, and Sawyer says "because I have to" and Walt gives him another "why?" and Sawyer just says "because!" and glares at Walt, like, way to intimidate a little kid, Sawyer.
Sayid and Charlie are ripping through the jungle, having a conversation about why Sayid thinks Rousseau's headed to the black smoke -- but it seems to me that if they have the breath to talk to each other like this, they could be running harder. But anyway, Sayid essentially figures that Rousseau's looking for the others, because they took her baby all those years ago, "and now she believes she has something they want." Anyway, they've found the place where Sayid has stashed the guns, and he's opening the case. "She's making a trade?" deduces Charlie brilliantly, and calls Rousseau insane, and Sayid charitably points out that Rousseau lost her baby -- like Claire just did. He hands Charlie a gun, but before letting go of it gives him a lecture on how this isn't about revenge and that Charlie shouldn't make it personal. Charlie's all "yeah yeah, gimme the piece." So Sun and Claire come running up, and I hate to say it but Charlie and Sayid are going to have to haul a whole lot more ass than that if they're to catch Rousseau. Being caught by a hysterical woman who recently gave birth doesn't exactly bode well. Not to mention, NICE HIDING SPOT FOR THE GUNS, Sayid. Claire's absolutely losing her shit, which we can cut her some slack for, and she's insisting she come with them, and hitting Charlie as he gently does his best to tell her that it's not such a great idea. (Not to mention that if she keeps hitting him, he's likely to bust a cap in her ass.) So she breaks down in sobs, and she says, "Bring him back, Charlie. Bring Aaron back." And Charlie says, "Aaron?" like IF YOU THINK HARD ENOUGH YOU MIGHT FIGURE OUT WHO AARON IS, CHARLIE. GOD! "I will get him back. I promise," he says. We pan up to the strangely-unaffected-by-wind column of black smoke again. Commercials.
ABC is some kind of creative genius when it comes to thinking up ways to screw their audience. They run their shows one to three minutes past the top of the hour, and now Good Morning America has a "secret scene" that the producers wanted viewers to see, but couldn't fit into the episode. That's right. They're telling you that not one precious second of tonight's two-hour gorilla of an episode could have been cut. It's all gold.
Sydney airport. Mercutio and Walt are sitting in a waiting area, Walt playing on his GameBoy. Mercutio asks if he wants something to eat. Walt ignores him. "I guess that's a no, then," says Mercutio. Walt ignores him. A moment later, Mercutio says that if Walt's worried about Vincent, not to sweat it; dogs fly in luggage compartments all the time. Walt ignores him. So this isn't so much about Vincent as it is Walt being a brat. But considering that his mom just died and the only father he's known is giving him up so that he now has to leave, I think I'll give him a pass. "I gotta call work," lies Mercutio, and points over to a phone bank and says he'll be over there. He tells Walt not to go anywhere, and gets up. Walt breaks concentration briefly to watch Mercutio leave.
So Mercutio's on the phone, explaining to "Ma" that he doesn't know what to do with Walt. Mercutio's got a studio apartment, he's got to be out the door at 5 AM for work. How's Walt going to get to school? What's Walt going to do after school? Well, that GameBoy seems to be remarkably engrossing. "I can't do this, Ma!" he says, before softening his tone to suggest that his mother take Walt. He waits. And she apparently tells him to stuff it, because he starts to imply that he can cover the financial cost, but apparently Mama Mercutio interrupts him again to tell him to stuff it again. "Well, Ma, what am I supposed to do with him? He was never supposed to be mine! This wasn't part of the plan!" And here is where I imagine his mom saying, "Mercutio, all those things you just said? They apply even more to me, so deal with it." And I have to admit I'm not fully on board with Mercutio's attitude here. Yeah, Walt's going to require some major changes in Mercutio's life, but this is his son, and with how ecstatic Mercutio was over having a son, and how devastated he was to have Walt taken away from him, I'd thought he'd be at least a little happy to get him back. But there wouldn't be as much dramatic tension if that was his response, I guess, only the tension here is about the same as a broken rubber band. And if you haven't figured out that Walt's going to turn up behind Mercutio, so we can wonder how much of the phone conversation Walt heard, you've never watched television before. Mercutio hangs up the phone, and turns around to see his son standing there watching him. "Hey man," he begins, looking absolutely terrified, "I was just, uh," and Walt just tells him he needs new batteries. Something tells me Walt's getting new batteries without any argument.
Back on the raft, Mercutio's steering while watching his son. And as we all know, he's come to terms with his fatherhood role, to the extent that maybe all stepfathers or men like Mercutio who find themselves suddenly caring for a child should, if they can, survive a plane crash with them. It seems to work wonders. Mercutio asks Walt if he wants to try "driving" for a little while, and shows him how to steer by pushing the rudder. They check the compass and determine they're moving north by northeast. Walt points to the horizon and tells Walt to aim for a particular cloud (this is not unlike learning to drive in the vast open emptiness of Alberta and Saskatchewan).
So they steer together, and it's sweet. And Walt knows when to pick his moments, boy: "How come you and Mom didn't stay together?" Mercutio says that they tried, but it just didn't work out, and their lives and interests went in different directions. Walt asks why Mercutio never saw him. Mercutio says simply, and honestly, that Walt's mom didn't want him to, and quickly adds that she did what she thought was best for Walt. Walt thinks about this. "She was wrong," he says, and Mercutio beams.
But before we get too sugary, the boat hits something, or rolls over something, and the rudder gets ripped off, so it might be a while before Walt gets his learner's rafter's licence. And Jin's English studying is apparently proceeding apace, as he starts yelling, "Rudder! Rudder!" and Mercutio screams that they hit a log, and unless that log was part of a cabin, I don't see it getting under the raft and ripping off the rudder. But since this is a two-hour episode (or maybe that should be "too-hour"), we need more "conflict" or "drama" or "shirtless Sawyer" or something, and Jin drops the sail while Sawyer dives in the water and swims after the rudder. And he gets it, like big surprise, and Mercutio throws in a rope so Sawyer can grab the rope and tie it around the rudder, and I'm totally on the edge of my seat here. In fact, I'm so far on the edge of my seat that I've gone for a beer. So Sawyer ties the rope around the rudder which is so big and heavy that it was sinking and yet was ripped right off the boat by the little floating log that got under the raft somehow. And they pull the rudder in and Sawyer gets back on the raft. "You just saved our ass, buddy," says Mercutio, who goes to grab Sawyer's shirt while Sawyer catches his breath on the deck. Which is when Mercutio sees the gun that Sawyer has, which he apparently wrapped up in his shirt before diving into the water. Mercutio wraps the gun back up and glares at Sawyer, hanging him back the shirt/gun, saying, "You better put your shirt back on before you burn." I'd be glad there was a gun on the boat, even without knowing what's coming later. Quick, somebody sing some Marley to get rid of the bad vibes zooming all over the place and they can all get back to bonding.
Back at the Black Rock, Jack is helping Kate put on her backpack, and she apologizes, and he says it's "the luck of the draw," like how weird is it that Kate is apologizing for that anyway. Locke says the sun sets in ninety minutes, give or take, so they have to hustle if they're going to get back to the hatch. Jack says he'll lead, followed by Kate, then Hurley, and Locke will bring up the rear. Locke says they should stagger themselves, keep a safe distance from each other. Jack agrees, and says that if anybody sees or hears anything -- "Like the security system that eats people?" says Hurley, in case the rest of them forgot about that somehow -- then they put the packs down and get the rock out of there. Got it? And Kate says "yes," and Locke says, "Yes, sir," not too pointedly, and maybe even agreeably, but Jack holds his gaze for an extra second, because you know that there's going to be a division at some point and there will people who follow Jack and people who follow Locke. "Let's do this," says Jack, and the four of them carefully start walking. Commercials.
I love that there's a movie out in which Angelina Jolie is apparently in her underwear the entire time and that my wife wants to see it. I mean, I know Brad Pitt's also in it, so it's not like she doesn't get anything out of it, but I think this what they meant in marriage prep classes by "win-win."
The grim beach parade has reached the caves. Claire's practically catatonic and is being led by Sun. Shannon's not so happy either, and somehow she winds up bunking down right by the gurney her brother died on. Sun comes and sits down to her, giving Vincent some food, and telling Shannon that Boone died very bravely, because that's probably exactly what she wants to talk about right now. Shannon thanks her. And Sun asks if she thinks all this is happening because they're being punished. "Punished for what?" asks Shannon. "Things we did before, secrets we kept, lies we told," says Sun. Shannon doesn't answer that question, because she knows that can't be right, because if the punishment were on the basis of all the lies they told, then Shannon's punishment would have been a big ol' nuclear bomb dropped on her head while she was suntanning. Instead, she just asks who Sun thinks is punishing them. "Fate," says Sun, after a moment. And from off to the side, Claire finally speaks up. "No one's punishing us. There's no such thing as fate." They should turn Claire into a total nihilist, if you ask me. But that would only happen if she didn't get her baby back, which we know she will.
And she will because Sayid and Charlie are still scrambling after Rousseau, like so much for catching the woman with the head start, Sayid. And their shadows show that it's much closer to noon than it is to sundown, but that's okay. "We're losing the light," lies Sayid. "Try to keep up!" Charlie says okay. And they run from the rocks into the jungle, with the black smoke seemingly just over the hill. And here we go again with the requirement of every chase that at some point the runner has to stop in a clearing and the camera spins, and that happens to Charlie here, as he loses sight of Sayid but finally hears him yell "over here!"
He catches up with Sayid at the airplane where Boone and Locke found the heroin, like this episode is some sort of twelve stations of the death of Boone or something, and Sayid says they're going to take a break. Charlie protests, but Sayid says that Charlie's going to collapse very soon, so they need to rest a moment. Charlie looks at the plane. "Is this where Boone fell?" he asks, and Sayid tells him the plane was up higher, and explains that it apparently came from Nigeria with two men dressed as priests, smuggling heroin. He lobs a statue of the Virgin Mary Charlie's way, and it hits the ground and breaks open. "All right," says Sayid, picking up his pack again. "Now we go. No time to fight inner demons." Come to think of it, he might not have said that last part, but Charlie stands there for like five hours looking at the broken statue and all the baggies of sweet, sweet heroin within.
The dynamite dingbats slowly trudge through the jungle, Kate gingerly making her way across a stream. Hurley makes conversation by asking Locke what he thinks is in the hatch, and Locke says, "What do you think is in it?" and Hurley goes off on TV dinners, like if you're going to fantasize about food, how sad to fantasize about TV dinners and Twinkies like Hurley does here. "Twinkies keep for like eight thousand years, man," and they chuckle, and Locke says he likes Twinkies too, only you have to guess that Hurley likes Twinkies a lot more than Locke does. So Hurley asks Locke what he really thinks is inside, and Locke says. "Hope. I think hope is inside." Hope? Who the hell is Hope?
Jack and Kate are leading the procession, and nobody's really saying much. Suddenly, there's a screech. It sounds like it's part of the soundtrack, but then we see this stock shot of a falcon or a hawk or something lifting up from a tree and flying away, which looks like it came from some totally other movie or television show. "Whoever named this place 'dark territory'? Genius," says Hurley. Onward, then. Jack and Kate pause for a moment, hearing some sort of rattle. Through the trees, a little black cloud of smoke zips by, like it's something's trail. Jack looks at Kate. "Yeah, I saw it. We gotta get out of here," she says. Jack and Kate start jogging, and Hurley follows. We hear another screech, and the flapping of wings -- and then Lostzilla's trademark tree uprooting begins, along with the metallic clank and roar, like maybe the island is being defended by Tom Waits records. Kate breaks into a full-on run, and you're yelling, "Put the knapsack down, remember?" and then you see Jack slip his off. Locke hasn't moved. He does take off his knapsack, and sets it down very carefully. And then he walks toward the noise. Jack glances back just in time to Locke, and he's all, "Locke! What are you doing?" and then he goes back after Locke, which to me is just as foolish.
Locke carefully makes his way through the jungle, an eager look on his face. Mine too, as I start thinking, "Okay, now, finally --" The noisiness continues, but it's some distance from Locke. And then, quiet for a moment or two. Suddenly, a tree right to Locke is ripped right out of the ground, surprising him, and he falls over onto his back. Lying there, he looks up, and it looks to me like he's seeing something, and there's a sound like some sort of mechanical gears or tread or something. And Locke's face quickly goes from anticipation to terror. Commercials. But we're totally going to see Lostzilla when we come back, right?
This show Dancing With the Stars intrigues me. Because clearly ABC is trying to broadcast a show that no one will watch. If you love dancing, plus you're a big fan of the guy who played J. Peterman on Seinfeld, which went off the air SEVEN YEARS AGO, have we got a show for you!
Locke scrambles to his feet, and takes off running. And meanwhile Jack's running around looking for him, and finally Kate and Hurley seem to have noticed that Jack and Locke are no longer behind them, and Kate goes running back, still with the knapsack of dynamite on her back.
Locke's leg seems to have been caught in some sort of line, as he's upended and then starts getting dragged backward. My eyes start bleeding, I'm squinting so hard to try to see something on the screen. Jack finds the handy-dandy cleared trail of jungle that Locke is being dragged along, and starts chasing after Locke. There's what sounds like some sort of pulley system reeling Locke in, and I still can't for the life of me make out what exactly it is that has Locke by the leg, which is obviously the point. Jack finally makes a leap, and grabs Locke just as Locke gets pulled into a hole. Fortunately, Jack leapt forward yet managed to somehow land in a sitting position to brace his legs against the side of the hole. Locke looks absolutely terrified. Kate runs up, and she's all, "Oh my god!" and Jack tells her to get the dynamite, and she starts to take off her knapsack, and Jack says, "No, no, it's in my pack," and Locke isn't in too imminent danger I guess for Kate not to glare at Jack, and all I can say is it's a damn good thing the dynamite wasn't in your pack, Florence Griffith Joyner. Jack snaps at her to move, and she finally does. And she's back in a fraction of the time that Jack was actually running after Locke, but whatever. And Locke is telling Jack to let him go, and that it'll be all right, and when Kate gets back Jack tells her to throw the dynamite in the hole. There's much arguing, as Locke tells her not to do it, and Jack yells at her some more. Kate finally decides that even if she blows all three of them up, it would at least put an end to Locke and Jack spazzing out. She chucks the dynamite down the hole, and we hear an explosion deep within the hole. And this black smoke erupts out of the ground behind them, gathers for a moment, and then instantly dissipates. They look at it for only a moment, and then pull Locke out of the ground, as whatever had a hold of him no longer seems to. They catch their breath on the ground for a moment, with Jack looking at Locke like, "I can't believe you wanted me to let you go," and Locke looking back like, "You should have let me go."
We're back on the raft. Jin's working on the rudder, while Mercutio picks up Jin's notebook (Jin's watch is on top) and bring it over to him. "Your wife made this for you?" pointing at the notebook, and Jin grasps what he's saying and nods and says, "Sun." And Mercutio is talking about how amazing it is that she sounded this stuff out phonetically, and supposedly there's a secret scene on Good Morning America because they couldn't even cut scenes like this one where we get something explained that we already knew from watching LAST WEEK'S EPISODE. Jim demonstrates the English words he knows already: "starboard," "aft," "sail," and "eat," and they have a good laugh over this last one, and Mercutio says, "Hope you know how lucky you are, man," and I know they're best buds now but maybe Mercutio should be careful about his comments on Sun's perfection. Anyway, yay, the rudder's fixed, so maybe the pointless scene is over. Oh, no, wait, it's not. Mercutio hands Jin his watch, and then starts working on other stuff, and Jin stares at the watch for a long moment, and then brings it over to Mercutio. "You," he says, handing it to Mercutio. He puts it in Mercutio's hand, and closes his hands over it and says "you" again. And Mercutio looks like he's going to cry and he finally says "thank you" and Jin beams at him. Thanks for the watch, now that we're adrift on a raft and probably going to die.
Yaaaaawn. We're back in the caves again. Claire's sitting by herself all mopey. Sun comes over with some tea, and Claire declines at first but then takes it, thanking her. "Aaron is a beautiful name," says Sun, and she asks what it means. Claire -- eventually -- says she doesn't know what Aaron means. Sun tells her that Charlie will bring her baby back, and Claire tells her not to say it, and Sun INSISTS on pinning Claire's hopes on the island's vigilante junkie, simply because Charlie said he'd bring back Aaron. Wow. Talk about your pointless scenes. Since we're past the hour mark, I think this is an exposition scene for when the show is split in two for reruns.
Sayid and Charlie, run run run. At the base of a tree, Charlie sees a motionless lump wrapped in a blanket. Naturally, he thinks it's the baby, and he grabs it despite Sayid yelling a warning, and it turns out to be a block of wood. Charlie's pulled a tripwire, and a netting full of rocks opens up from the top of the tree. The shot does its best to make it look like Charlie got conked, but you can still tell he was about fifteen feet away. Still, let's pretend Charlie get hit. Sayid tends to Charlie's very bloody face. He puts a rag on Charlie's face and tells Charlie to keep up the pressure, while Charlie screams about what an animal this woman is, and Sayid says, "She's been here sixteen years. She's learned how to set traps quickly." Oh, god. Yeah, and she apparently learned MAGICAL POWERS, too, to set up a trap that required that kind of physical exertion and precision. Give me a break. Sayid tells Charlie that he's bleeding too much and has to get back to camp. Charlie says that's bollocks, and asks Sayid what soldiers do when they get wounded. "I'm not going back without that baby, Sayid," says Charlie. Sayid looks at him hard for a long while. Then, from his backpack, he takes out a bullet and twists the point off with pliers. "Remove the towel and tilt your head back," he says calmly. Charlie just looks at him, having figured out what's going to happen, so Sayid repeats the instructions. "This is because I hit you, isn't it," says Charlie, as he does what he's told. Sayid tips the bullet over Charlie's wound, covering it in gunpowder. Charlie winces and grunts, but he might want to save his expressions of pain a moment. Sayid pulls a box of matches out his pack. "This is not going to be pleasant," he says. No kidding. It's going to be almost as painful to watch. Charlie steels himself, and Sayid counts to three, and lights the match, and all I can say is that if Charlie's anguished screams are anything to go by, I'm quite grateful that we cut to a long shot. Commercials.
Commander In Chief? Can we just go ahead and call it The Breast Wing?
Hurley's sleeping. In a bed, so this must be a flashback. He picks up his alarm clock, but the LCD screen is blank. He tries the lamp; it won't turn on. He gets up, pulls the curtains, sees that it's daylight, and notices the scorch marks around the electrical outlet where he's plugged in his portable CD player and its speakers. "Oh man," he says. Did you ever hear of a wakeup call, Hurley? He's on the phone, telling someone that needs his car, and is upset to find out that it's going to take twenty minutes. "I can't miss my flight, my mom's birthday's tomorrow!" he says, and we get some jaunty music that's going to drive me nuts in about three seconds, but we're going to have to listen to this through the entire scene of Hurley Rushes to Make His Plane. He hustles out of his hotel room with two bags, down the hall, and presses the elevator button. Because this is television and not real life, the elevator arrives instantly. Problem is, it's full. See, this is what happens when you're nothing but bad luck (at least once every twelve episodes, on average, anyway). But the elevator is full, so Hurley looks around frantically for the stairs, and heads off back down the hall. Panning back to the elevator, we see Charlie against the wall, yelling, "Some of us have a bloody flight to catch, you know!"
Hurley goes barreling through the hotel lobby, yelling at people to get out of his way, but as he goes by they're just going to get sucked into the slipstream behind him anyway. There's Hurley, paying off the car rental guy. There's Hurley, driving along -- until his SUV conks out. I mean, it just shuts down. But I guess that's Hurley for ya. He gets out, slams the door, and looks disgustipated. And a plane just overhead comes screaming in for a landing, so at least he's close to the airport. And he takes off a-runnin'.
We get a thankful respite from the jaunty music as Hurley slaps his passport down on the counter. The woman behind the counter gives him the ol' hairy eyeball and then starts tapping away on her computer, not quickly enough for Hurley, who asks if she can go faster. It's his mom's birthday tomorrow, or today. He doesn't get the whole time change thing, you see. "I am going as fast as the system will allow me, dear," she says, almost pleasantly. I love that Australian "dear," the two-syllable version with the upward, almost interrogative, lilt at the end. "Deeyah?" She tells him he's all booked into his seat, but then brightly tells him that it's airline policy that a man of his size has to buy two seats. Hurley's "Uh, ex-CUSE me?" face kills me. He tells her he didn't have to do that on the flight here. "Am I going to have to weigh you, deeyah?" Oh, I think I love this woman, with her phony smile trying to make this as polite as possible. Hurley just says fine, and tells her he'll buy the one to it. And as she hands him his ticket, she says "uh-oh" and explains that his flight is already boarding in the Oceanic international terminal. This is the domestic one. D'oh! "I don't think you were meant to make this flight, deeyah," she says, and since I love her I will ignore her smacking us over the head with the "fate" theme again. Hurley snatches the ticket out of her hand.
And he's running again, downstairs, and this is kind of what an avalanche might look like if it were made of people. And now he's going up an escalator. And now he's running again, only he has one bag instead of two like he had before. Is that a mistake? Because we didn't see him losing one. Maybe that was in Good Morning America's secret scene which I didn't watch because I AM NOT A SUCKER.
So the security line looks longer than a lineup for any ride at Disneyworld, and Hurley runs to the front of it, apologizing profusely as he goes, saying that "it's an emergency." But the unimpressed security guard stops the very sweaty Hurley and tells him to go to the back of the line, ignoring Hurley's pleas. Hurley finally heads back, and we see Arse in line, glaring at Hurley, and then admonishing the man in front of him in line for only now taking out his laptop. I like that. Makes me remember how happy I was when Arse bit it.
So now Hurley's made it through security -- this is the longest goddamn scene ever -- and he rests for a moment in front of the arrival/departure screens. An elderly gentleman glides by on a scooter, and Hurley yells out, "Hey, old guy!" I'm sure that'll put him in the mood to help, Hurley. Hurley offers him $500 for the scooter. Old Guy says he just had a hip replacement -- of course he did, for he is Old Guy -- and he needs the scooter. Hurley digs out what I'm guessing is all the cash in his wallet and raises the offer to $1,600. Old Guy smiles.
Let me pause just a moment and express my surprise. For it turns out that, contrary to what has seemed the case up until now, the writers haven't forgotten that Hurley is fucking loaded. I can guarantee you that no one in this world worth $160 million or more has ever run to catch a plane. Money may not buy happiness (although I submit it's got more purchasing power on that score than poverty does), but one of the things I'm sure it does buy is never having to get all sweaty running through an airport and waiting in line at security.
So anyway, now Hurley's on the scooter. And in a touch I quite liked, Hurley goes passing by what looks like a women's rugby team, who are wearing their team shirts, and whose uniform numbers are, in order, 4, 8, 15, 16, 23 and 42. So Hurley scoots --
Oh, Jesus, enough. He makes his plane, all right? Just barely, but he makes it. We know he makes the plane. Tell us again how there was no way you could fit another scene in, you liars.
So back on Craphole Island, Hurley is repeating the numbers that he's obsessed with eight point three percent of the time. Since it's dark out, they're now carrying torches; so much for hustling back before sundown, I guess. Kate hears him, and asks if he said anything. And she says she thought she heard the number "23" and he asks if that means anything to her, and she contrivedly says that the guy who turned her in to the feds in Australia did it for a $23,000 reward. Sigh. So she hears the number 23 and it makes her think of the reward, which is the most contrived use of a number since Jay-Z got pulled over for driving to fast in an extra-special 54 MPH zone. And the searching for the significance of these very ordinary numbers in the banal minutiae of your everyday life has now spread onto the SHOW ITSELF for God's sake. She asks if the number means anything to him, and he lies and says it doesn't, and then quickens his step so they can catch up to Jack and Locke.
Those two are making their way through the jungle when Jack gets a little too close for Locke's liking, who warns him to move back, but Jack is all tough-guy "if we blow up, we blow up," like NICE ATTITUDE Jack and he wants to know what was up with Locke wanting Jack to let him go, since that thing was going to drag him under. Locke says it wasn't going to hurt him, but Jack doesn't buy it, saying it was going to kill him. "I seriously doubt that," says Locke, who keeps on walking. Jack chases after him, demanding to know what's going on in his head. Locke thinks he was being tested, and the reason why Jack and Locke sometimes don't (or never) see eye-to-eye is Jack is a man of science, and Locke is a man of faith. Oh, yeah, there's a schism coming in the Church of Jack. "Do you really think of all of this is an accident? That we, a group of strangers, survived, many of us with just superficial injuries? Do you think we crashed on this place by coincidence? Especially this place?" Before Jack can say, "Well, yeah, you baldy-headed mystical nonsense-peddler," Locke says that they were brought here, for a purpose, a reason. "Each one of us were brought here for a reason," he says. "Brought here," says Jack. "And who brought us here, John?" Say it with him, people: "The island. The island brought us here." And he goes on to say that Jack was brought here for a reason too, and he babbles on about destiny.
And Jack's thinking the same thing that I was, because he leans in and says, "You talk with Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity, about destiny?" Locke calmly says, "Boone was a sacrifice that the island demanded." Although he does look as though he's sorry Boone died. He says that Boone's death was part of chain of events that has led them here, blah blah, to this moment. Jack wants to know where the path ends. It ends just as soon as you two SHUT UP AND KEEP MOVING. Locke says the path ends at the hatch, and everything has been leading up to the opening of the hatch. Jack shakes his head. "No, we're opening the hatch so we can survive." "Survival's all relative, Jack," says Locke, and Jack decides to keep walking, saying he doesn't believe in destiny. "Yes you do. You just don't know it yet," says Locke. Man, are you guys as thrilled as I am that they stretched a one-hour episode to two hours by adding a lot of talking and long pointless scenes like Hurley running, instead of answering questions and wall-to-wall action? That's what I figured.
Out on the raft, Walt's managed to get to sleep. Mercutio covers him with another blanket, and goes over to where Sawyer is fiddling with the radar. Mercutio tells him he just had it on a little while ago, and Sawyer says Sayid told them to try it every hour. Well, what he told them was no more than once per hour, and Mercutio points out that they're only fifteen miles out and could be sailing for weeks so they don't want to drain the battery. "Man said every hour," said Sawyer, who always does what he's told, as we all know. They flick it on. "Nothing," says Sawyer, and Mercutio says five minutes, no more, holding his new watch. Show-off. Sawyer says he likes that Mercutio has the patience of a saint, ad Mercutio wonders what makes Sawyer say that. "I've seen the way he talks to you," says Sawyer, who goes on about Walt running around all over the place. The whuh? The kid's what, twelve? He seems generally pretty well-behaved to me, but Sawyer says, "I would have shown him the back of my hand a long time ago." Yeah, thanks for the parenting tips, Sawyer. Mercutio asks if that was Sawyer's dad's parenting style, but Sawyer says his dad never got a chance to beat him, shooting himself when Sawyer was eight years old. And the good vibes from the shared Bob Marley appreciation are completely gone now, as Mercutio asks if that's why Sawyer wants to die. Sawyer doesn't know what Mercutio's talking about, but Mercutio said he was wondering why a guy who only cares about himself wanted to risk his life so bad to save everyone else. "The way I see it, there's only two choices. You're either a hero, or you want to die," he says. Did Mercutio just call himself a hero? Sawyer gives him a long glare, before finally saying, "Well, I ain't no hero, Mercutio." This searing moment of self-awareness is suddenly interrupted by the slow boop! boop! boop! of the radar. They look at it, surprised, and sure enough see a blip on the screen. "Is that what I think it is?" says Sawyer. Either that, or PlayStation 3 really sucks. Jin takes an interest, and they all start scanning the waters, with Mercutio saying, "Something's out there," in case we don't know how radar works. Commercials.
I love, love, love the cheap-ass seatbelt campaign commercial, with the guy complaining that he got a $65 ticket. "Man, I gotta work all day to make sixty-five bucks," he says. What? Yeah, that's a lot of tacos, dude. You're what, thirty years old? Get a real job!
Locke's sitting all by himself at the airport, waiting to board. An attendant comes over and apologizes, saying that they don't know where the special wheelchair is that they use to load disabled passengers. Huge airport like this only has one of those, I'm so sure. Nice half-assed attempt to make Locke "almost" miss the flight like everybody else, guys. "There's not another flight until tomorrow," says Locke (which may explain why Hurley was so keen to get on, but I still say he could have come up with something when he has $160 million at his disposal). And fortunately there's a burly flight attendant who suggests Locke suffer the indignity of being carried on. They do so, and she tells him if he needs anything, to press the call button. He says okay, but it's clear this is killing him. I love Terry O'Quinn. He reaches for a pamphlet in the seat pouch in front of him, and it slips out of his fingers onto the floor, out of his grasp. Frustrated, he leans back in his seat.
Reminded of this, we cut back to the fully able-bodied Locke, and I guess it's not such a surprise that Locke has such faith in the island. The group has arrived at the hatch, so it looks like we're going to find out what's inside this season after all, right, guys? Right? Locke carefully takes his pack off by the hatch, and he tells Hurley to take Jack's extra dynamite a ways away. Only he calls Hurley "Hugo," and Hurley looks surprised, because nobody knows his real name -- or do they? He says okay, but asks for a flashlight instead of a torch, what with the possibility of being blown to smithereens and everything. Jack gives him the flashlight and manages not to get blown up. Jack, Kate, and Locke get to work running the fuse and rigging the charges.
Charlie and Sayid have finally arrived at the source of the black smoke, which is a fire on a corner of beach, with no one around. But it's not a bonfire, exactly; it's a flaming stone or cauldron or something like that, held in the air by crossed logs. They approach it carefully, and Sayid notices the lack of footprints around the fire. "This is the black smoke? Where are they?" says Charlie. Sayid says he doesn't know. Then, they hear crying from the bushes. "Danielle?" says Sawyer, and Charlie's practically charging the bushes at Rousseau right now, and Sayid tells him to cool it. "I can hear you, come out. Please. He needs his mother," says Sayid. The bushes rustle, and Rousseau comes out, carefully cradling Turniphead in her arms (yeah, like I was really going to stop calling him that). "They were not here," she says. Sayid says she has to give them the baby. "I just wanted my Alex back," she says, and she starts to cry, but she keeps coming forward. Sayid speaks soothingly to her, and despite her anguish, she hands Turniphead over to Sayid. Turniphead seems to be just fine, if a little bit of a crybaby. Maybe he started crying when he saw Charlie was here? Charlie starts yelling at Rousseau. "There never were any 'others.' You started the fires yourself!" he accuses, and she denies it. "I heard them whispering," she says. "You're a nutjob. You heard nothing," he says. Uh, dude, she still has a rifle, and you're right, she's a nutjob, so maybe you could lay off the confrontational tone and just get Turniphead back to his mother, okay? "I heard them say they were coming for the child. They said they were coming for the boy," she says. Uh-oh. She walks past them, racked with grief, but Charlie STILL has to spit out a "you're pathetic" at her, like how much would you love to see Rousseau blow his head off?
Back at the hatch, Jack and Locke carefully put the dynamite in place. Locke asks for the fuse, and Jack gets it, but when Locke holds out his hand for it, Jack just says, "I'll do it," and I guess Locke decides that whatever skills he learned at Sprawl-Mart and the box company, he'd be well-advised to leave this task to the guy with the surgeon's hands. The fuse set, they amble over to where Kate has unwound the fuse as far as it will go. Locke says it's plenty long, and they should take cover. He'll light the fuse, and there'll be plenty of burn time for him to take cover as well. They yell for Hurley, who yells back that he's coming or whatever. Or they could just tell him to stay where he is for a moment.
As Jack and Kate take cover, she goes off on him for taking the dynamite in his pack, which you know she's been waiting to do for hours. Come to think of it, I'd like to know just how it was that Jack pulled off that little bit of sleight of hand anyway. "I made a judgment call," he says, and she points out that they drew straws, and he points out, completely correctly, that this was too important to be decided by drawing straws. He might also want to point out that since she went running willy-nilly all over the place when she thought she had dynamite in her pack, he made exactly the right call. She tries to tell him that he had no right, and he snaps that everybody wants him to be the leader until he makes a decision that they don't like. Which is true, but, um, duh, Jack, because that kind of is how a democratic society WORKS, after all. If you don't like the decisions your leader makes, you try to make him NOT YOUR LEADER anymore. "You wanna keep second-guessing me, Kate? That's your call." Oh, get over yourself. He tells her that there's something she needs to know: "We survive this, we survive tonight? We're going to have a Locke problem." They both look at Locke, standing at the end of the fuse. "And I have to know that you got my back." Without hesitation, she says, "I got your back." So they like each other now, in case you're keeping score at home.
Locke yells, "Are we ready?" and then Hurley's telling them to hold on a sec, and he comes back into the clearing. He stumbles slightly (thank God he was a little more graceful while carrying the dynamite) and drops his flashlight by the side of the hatch. Picking it up, he notices the engraved numbers -- 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42. Naturally, he freaks, yelling that they can't do this, that they have to stop, that the numbers are bad, that sort of thing. Locke looks kind of pissed, and looks at Jack, and Jack doesn't know what the hell's going on. And Hurley's running at Locke, who finally is just all "fuck it" and lights the fuse. "Why'd you do that?" yells Hurley, who goes chasing the burning fuse like he's Wile E. Coyote and has just figured out that the dynamite he set for the Road Runner is going to blow himself up instead. Jack chases Hurley down, who's less than successful in his attempt to stamp out the fuse. Locke runs for cover and Jack tackles Hurley, and the two of them hit the deck as the dynamite explodes.
Back on the raft, the blip is closer to them, and the boop boop boop wakes up Walt. "It's closer," says Sawyer, and he asks for the flare gun. Mercutio says he's only got one flare. Jin jabbers away and points at his eyes to indicate that he can't see anything, and Sawyer's all, "No shit, it's night," and then there's some language-barrier confusion as Mercutio and Jin try to figure out whether they should be looking starboard or port, and Sawyer says, "Hey Han, you and Chewie want to slow down a second and talk to me here?" which I can't believe I missed the first time I watched, but which rules. Mercutio doesn't want to fire the flare because they don't know what the blip is. It might be a piece of floating junk, or maybe the radar doesn't even work. Sawyer asks if Mercutio knows of anything Sayid's made that doesn't work, like what is the deal with Sawyer's suddenly unshakeable faith in Sayid? Walt, watching the screen, says the blip's moving away. "Floating junk knows how to steer, does it?" and Mercutio points out that they're the ones moving. Sawyer asks if Mercutio's going to give him the flare gun or if he'll have to take it. "What are you going to do, shoot me?" asks Mercutio, and Sawyer glares at him. "It's almost gone," says Walt. Jin and Mercutio and Sawyer stand there looking at each other. It's Walt's urging, though, that seems to convince Mercutio. "Please, God," he says, taking out the flare gun, and firing it off the side.
The flare goes up, but there's silence as the blip leaves the screen. And then -- it comes back. And there is much celebration and shouting. Jin keeps looking and then shushes everyone so they can listen. There's nothing at first, but then the steady sound of a small craft breaking the waves. Then a huge spotlight suddenly shines on them, and they start shouting and waving excitedly and hugging. That's some happy music that's playing right now.
The boat draws closer, while the raftaways make happy noises and say things like "Are we glad to see you!" "What's going on?" shouts the burly bearded man behind the spotlight. Man, there is something so off about this boat. There are no other lights on it other than the spotlight. There's two other dudes on the deck, just sitting there, and somebody in the engine room. "What are you folks doing this far out here?" And Mercutio babbles out this barely coherent story about the plane crash and the island and all the other people out there, and none of the raftaways seem at all weirded out by the biker gang boat party. Because I guess spotlight guy sounds nice when he says, "It's a good thing we found you!" But everybody watching this scene is holding their breath, waiting for the rug to be pulled out, and if you figured it out during that last scene with Charlie, Sayid, and Rousseau, you had some idea what was coming, too. But I don't think that made it any less chilling when Beardo says, "Only the thing is, we're going to have to take the boy." Mercutio says, "What'd you say?" Genuinely confused, not angered. "The boy. We're going to have to take him," says Beardo, with enough menace that some of my hair turned white, and then my stomach turned to water with the bass-note thwang on the soundtrack. Sawyer glares at the boat, and the two crews are silent for a moment. "Hey, what the hell's going on here? Who are you people?" says Mercutio, and you can hear the fear, and the hoping to God that maybe they just mean they'll take the boy to safety. "Just give us the boy," says Beardo, and the two other guys on the deck stand up. "I'm not giving you anybody!" says Mercutio, a little stronger this time. Sawyer reaches around back for the gun, tucked in his pants. "Well, all right then," says Beardo, and shuts off the spotlight.
Sawyer draws his gun, but one of the Deck Dudes has one already out and shoots him. Sawyer spins around, and falls in the water. Jin dives in after him. Meanwhile, the Millennium Falkon-Tiki is boarded, with someone grabbing Walt while Mercutio gets beat up and thrown in the water. Walt's screaming, and -- my god, I had a hard time watching this scene. I can't even fathom what this would be like for Mercutio. I'd freak out if someone kidnapped my dog this way, so I can only imagine it being a million times worse if it were my son. If I had one. Walt screams for his dad as Mercutio thrashes in the water. The person in the engine room (a woman, as it turns out, but from the brief glance appears to be too old to be Rousseau's lost child) tosses what seems to be a Molotov cocktail onto the deck of the raft, and sure enough, it explodes. A terrified Walt rips my insides out screaming for his dad, and a helpless, anguished Mercutio can't do anything but watch the boat take his son away. Awesome scene. Commercials.
So there's no time for your "secret scene," but there's enough room for a full minute-and-a-half commercial for your bogus Dancing with the Stars show? Because it can't be said enough, fuck you, ABC. No, I still haven't forgiven you for canceling Sports Night. ["I still haven't forgiven them for canceling My So-Called Life. Dance with this, Ted Harbert." -- Sars]
Montage time, complete with what sounds like that same music that they always use for here, and no dialogue! Yay! Claire's alone, at the caves, and Sayid and Charlie stroll in. Claire sees them, and practically knocks them over as she runs over to grab Turniphead. Charlie even gets a kiss out of the deal, so you know he's happy. Shannon strolls over, and is able to break out of her funk to be happy to see Turniphead. Then she starts looking for Sayid, who's over washing himself in the little waterfall, and she goes running to him, and they hug. Guess she was rather worried about him, but I guess there was "no time" to touch on that, hey? Claire examines Charlie's forehead owie, and we see in his backpack a statue of the Virgin Mary, and I can hardly believe that Charlie hasn't actually done all the heroin yet.
We switch to a slow motion scene of the passengers boarding the plane that I quite liked, although, as a portrait of the travelers before circumstances threw them together on the island, I think it'd be more effective after those CIRCUMSTANCES HAVE BEEN EXPLAINED, but it's still pretty good. There's Claire trying to squeeze past a big guy. There's Kate with a jacket over her handcuffed wrists, the marshal behind her. There's Sawyer strolling on, looking surly. There's Locke watching, and Jack in front of him stowing something in an overhead compartment. There's Charlie trying to stuff his damn guitar into a wardrobe of some type, and maybe someone can explain to me how it is that he wasn't made to check that. There's Sayid sitting down, with some guy a few seats over staring at him, I guess because Sayid's Iraqi, judging from the way the guy quickly averts his gaze when Sayid looks over. Sayid reacts like this isn't new to him, which I imagine it isn't.
Jin examines the watch that will cost him his wife if he doesn't deliver it. There's Walt, still playing his damn GameBoy, and Mercutio making sure Walt's seatbelt is fastened. There's the marshal making sure Kate's handcuffs are fastened, while she stares straight ahead. There's Sayid pulling out a picture of Nadia and staring at it. There's Shannon, pawing frantically through her bag, until Boone casually holds up her inhaler, and she smiles at him, the kind of smile that unfortunately gives a woman like Shannon the freedom to be as horrible as she wants for as long as she's able to smile like that. There's a very sweaty Hurley getting on. He passes by Walt, giving him a wink and a thumbs-up, with his tongue sticking out, and Walt smiles, and Mercutio's happy to see that. And Hurley's shirt has magically dried by the time he gets in his seat, and he puts on his headphones and pulls out a comic book, the one with the polar bear. And there's Claire being helped by Arse, who I guess wasn't all bad. There's Jack and Locke, making eye contact and smiling politely.
And back on Craphole Island, the smoke is clearing, and the four demolitioners approach the twisted metal of the hatch. Jack and Locke look at each other, then squat, and lift the hatch off. They peer inside, our POV from below them, and the camera pulls away, and away, and away, down, down, down, super-deep. With a decrepit and in some places completely broken ladder down the side. Well done dramatically, only it reveals absolutely jack-squat, no?
Oh, well. We all know we'll be back. season will feature more myth-making and suspense, and the levels of mystery will deepen and widen, until it's all too unwieldy and ratings start to drop, and an attempt to tie things up will explain some things and contradict others, and we'll start afresh, or at least try to, in a few seasons. If they get down that hatch and there's somebody at the bottom named Rambaldi, I'm done.