The anvil of life

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For some reason -- most likely Jack's makeshift operating room -- this episode reminded me of one of those episodes of M*A*S*H where Radar or Klinger writes a letter home that details the wacky goings-on in the 4077th. We pick up right after last week, with Jack performing emergency surgery on Boone, God's Bloody Gift to Humanity. As many predicted, there is no sign of Locke or the hatch this week, but at least that's actually a plot point, since Locke lied about what happened to Boone, and when a dying Boone spits out what actually happened, Jack's pissed. He goes to extraordinary lengths to try to save Boone, because he's Dr. Committed, or some such, which we're supposed to get by watching flashbacks in which he marries a woman he saved after a car wreck, even though he's not sure he loves her. Are we supposed to think he's dedicated, or an idiot? Jack's preparing to amputate Boone's leg, much to Sun's horror, when Boone asks Jack to let him go, which he finally does. And then Mel Gibson shows up, calling it "island-sanctioned murder," and also that he's going to make a film about it. Jack apparently agrees with Mel, as he sets out to find Locke, whom Jack blames for Boone's death.

Elsewhere, Claire goes into labour, and because Jack is preoccupied with working on Boone, it's up to Kate and Charlie to deliver the baby, like NO WONDER Claire was doing everything she could to keep the baby up in there. But everything works out okay, and Claire delivers a healthy six-week-old baby boy. I suspected she was overdue, but damn. Want more? The full recap starts right below!

Previously on Lost: Boone manages to get himself in a second plane crash since landing on the island. That's some Hurley luck right there.

We pick up right where we left off last time, just after Jack was screaming for Locke, who vanished right after depositing Boone in Dr. Jack's Emergency Cave. So there's lots of yelling, like we're going for some ER-type medical-show sense of urgency here, which doesn't quite work, since they're in a cave, after all, and people are asking what happened, and someone says Boone fell off a cliff, and Hurley says, "Thought he was with Locke," whatever that means, like being with Locke somehow means it's impossible to fall off a cliff. And they're doing some hand-held camera work that's making me a little seasick. Jack and the other lostaways get Boone onto a makeshift operating table, and Jack yells at Sun to get some scissors, and we see he's turned the airplane's drink cart into a medical equipment...thingy that holds medical equipment. He has to bark at her a second time to get them. He orders Hurley to get one of the first-class seats and some sort of mesh, because they're going to have to try to create some sort of sterile environment, which would be quite the achievement. Hurley looks rather queasy, and Jack yells at him, something about the inadvisability of fainting in this situation. Hurley says he won't, and he takes off, but not without a "lord almighty." You know it's serious when Hurley doesn't say "dude." Jack tells Kate to get down to the beach and ransack Sawyer's stuff and get all the alcohol he has, rubbing, Scotch, like any excuse for a drink for Jack. Boone starts gurgling, as you do when your lung collapses. And we all know what that means, right? Intubation! Jack jams a tube right into Boone's chest, everyone looking on in abject fear. Boone's breathing gets back to a little more normal. Jack has to yell at Kate to get her to get moving, which means that Kate, Sun, and Hurley are a perfect three-for-three in the Useless Assistants department. Jack goes back to working on Boone.

And he flashes back to tying a bowtie on a tuxedo-clad redhead, who some of you might recognize from some show called Titus. Those of you who do should be very, very ashamed of yourselves. The relative merits of clip-on ties versus the kind that adults wear are discussed. "You nervous, Silverman?" asks Jack, and Silverman apparently needs to make a speech, but doesn't like getting up in front of crowds. Silverman says he'll be fine after about eight beers, and Jack says, "She'll bust you, man," like how nice that he shirks the responsibility of making sure his alcoholic friend doesn't make a drunken ass of himself at the (obvious) wedding, and makes his fiancée out to be the bad guy. Jack says Silverman can still back out if he wants to. Silverman actually seems to consider this before saying that it's just a stupid speech. "I'll make you proud," he says. The tailor comes in, saying that now it's the groom's turn. Silverman jokes that Jack can still back out if he wants to, and all I can say is thank god my friends knew better than to act like marriage is some sort of prison sentence.

Jack, back in the present, examines Boone's leg. "It's a closed fracture. We're going to have to set it." Sun asks if he'll be able to sew the wound on Boone's chest. Jack has a look and says Boone's lost a lot of blood, and wonders how far Locke had to carry him. Jack takes a semi-conscious Boone's head in his hands. "You are not going to die," he says. "I am going to save you." Right here, we pretty much know Boone's toast. Commercials.

Claire's walking along the beach, by the raft-in-progress. Jin's working on it, and appears to be the only one, as Mercutio and Sawyer are taking a break by cooking some fish over the fire. Well, Mercutio's taking a break, since Sawyer (who offers "mamacita" Claire some fish) never does anything. This looks like the same racial division of labour that built Canada's railroad in the 19th century. Claire asks when the raft will be ready, and Mercutio says a week, maybe less. He asks if she's okay, and she says she's fine and she'll see them later. "She likes me," says Sawyer, smugly. Mercutio yells at Jin to take a break and have some fish, but Jin waves him off. "Man's got what I call an overzealous work ethic," says Sawyer, which for Sawyer I think is anybody who, you know, actually works, and Mercutio notes how badly Jin wants to get off the island, like this is what's supposed to be what's wrong with Jin? And since there wasn't time for this in the "previously on Lost" scenes, Sawyer reminds everyone that all this time Sun has known how to speak English and Jin had no idea. "I'm surprised he didn't try to swim out of here," says Sawyer, who is thankfully interrupted from expounding on his theories on women and work by Kate, who breathlessly tells him that she needs all his alcohol.

And all I can say is THANK GOD Sawyer doesn't make her kiss him or shine his shoes or whatever the hell, as we cut to Sawyer handing over everything he's got, asking how the accident happened. Kate tells him that Boone fell off a cliff while he and Locke were hunting boar. "The boar they never seem to get," he growls, and maybe someone could point out that zero boar is also exactly how much Sawyer has brought to the lostaways' dinner table. He asks if Kate needs anything else, and offers to come back with her. "There's already too many cooks," she says, and it seems to me that there was actually one cook and three slack-jawed gawkers, but we could argue semantics all day.

Back at the 4077th, Jack's doing his best to treat Boone's wounds as Sun helps and Hurley and some extra close off the area with the netting that Jack sent him for. "He needs blood," says Jack. "A transfusion." Sun doesn't know how Jack plans to do that, but Jack says he'll figure something out. For now he's going to dress the leg. He looks beat. Sun tells him she can do it, and tells Jack to get some air. He hesitates, then finally goes.

If the point of taking a break is to relax for a moment, that's totally defeated by bumping into Charlie, who asks about a million questions like "how is he?" and "where's Locke?" and "what happened?" and "whatever happened to Lostzilla? And Rose? And the 'others'?" and all kinds of questions that Jack doesn't have the answers to. He finally snaps at Charlie when he asks where Shannon is, who Charlie reminds Jack for some reason is Boone's sister, and Jack yells that he doesn't know.

Back at the wedding rehearsal, Silverman is introducing "the future Mrs. Jack Shepherd," and everyone claps, and how weird that he didn't even say her name. He gives her the microphone, and she makes a weird joke about needing a new microphone, because it sounds like this one's been drinking, and I have no idea what she means by that and it's not helped by the fact that she sounds exactly like Ana Gasteyer as Bobbi Moughan-Culp in that old SNL sketch with the dorky singing music teachers. And then she tells this story about being in a car accident two years ago, flipping over the centre divider into oncoming traffic and getting hit head-on by an SUV. "My back was broken," she says, like, here's a cheery little story for the wedding rehearsal. The whole time, the camera's been focused on Jack, until now, and Jack's fiancée is an attractive blonde woman, who's staring at Jack like a cult member. "They all said it was inoperable. And then there was Jack. And he promised that he would fix me. Because that's the kind of guy he is. Because you are the most committed man I've ever known. Because you fixed me. I will dance at our wedding." And this is all lovely and everything, but I can't help but wonder why Jack is marrying what appears to be some type of android or possibly cyborg. Then she calls Jack her "hero" and I'm starting to get really creeped out.

Back at the 4077th, Jack is examining Boone's leg. Sun has a little stick of something. "Give him this for the pain," she says. Jack says that he thinks it's a little late for herbal remedies. She snaps that it's not a remedy, and then puts it between Boone's teeth. Jack looks chagrined, and gives an apologetic nod, and I guess if we're going to try to explode some stereotypes, that's fine, but if someone says, "Give him this for the pain," in a medical situation, is there any way it means anything other than something you ingest or inject? Why couldn't Sun have just put the thing between Boone's teeth without uttering a completely contrived line in order to make Jack feel bad? Jack asks Sun to hold Boone's shoulders, and Jack takes hold of Boone's leg. And yanks. The noises Boone makes are very difficult to transcribe, but are something like this: "Owie owie owie owie owie owie owie owie owie!" but with a little more feeling. Outside, Hurley puts his fingers in his ears.

Kate's running through the jungle and then pretends she's being chased by Jason Voorhees and trips. She manages to fall on her back, breaking several bottles of booze in the backpack, even though everyone knows airlines use plastic bottles. She hears something in the bushes, decides that potentially getting eaten by a wild boar or Lostzilla or whatever is more important than getting her ass back to the caves to help Boone, and decides to investigate. Fortunately, it's only Claire, who appears to be in some discomfort, holding a tree for stability. She's grunting and holding her stomach. Kate takes about five hours to brilliantly deduce that Claire's going into labour. "Oh god, you're having the baby," she says, like, nice positive reaction, Kate. Commercials.

Thanks for the health tips, Mandy Patinkin. I will get my cholesterol checked.

Kate insists that Claire needs to get to the caves so she can see Jack, but Claire denies that she's even having the baby. It's just gas pains, she says, and Kate's all, not even! Those are contractions! And they argue about it for a little while, but at any rate, Claire's not budging. So Kate starts yelling for help.

They're close enough to the beach for Jin to just barely hear her, but it's hard to make her out, what with his hammering and the waves crashing and the sound of his own shame and humiliation pounding in his ears. He listens a little more intently, determines that someone is indeed screaming for help, and tears off into the woods. He stops for a moment in one of those clearings that's big enough for the camera to spin around him and show off how good-looking he is (the Sydney Bristow cheekbone-chase-cam) for like five hours while he tries to determine where the yelling is coming from, and he takes off again.

The look of surprise on his face when he comes across Kate and Claire absolutely kills me, as does him saying "oh" or something that could easily be Korean for "oh, holy shit." Kate urgently tells him that he needs to get to the caves to get Jack, and fortunately she doesn't yell at him like Sawyer tends to. She says "Jack" enough times for Jin to say, "Jack! Doctor!" and Kate's all "ding ding ding!" She gives the backpack to Jin and tells him to hurry.

Back in the caves, Jack's saying, "Ask him again," to Sun, who reminds Jack that Boone is in shock. "That's why you need to ask him again," he says tiredly. Sun asks Boone what his blood type is, while Jack attempts, unsuccessfully, to prick his finger with a bamboo shoot. Sun isn't getting any answer from Boone other than "sputter gurgle death rattle," and she suggests to Jack that he use a smaller piece (to prick his finger). He spits out that veins are like "wet noodles," and he needs a needle that's sharp enough to pierce one but also hollow, and all he has is bamboo. Sun gives him a look like, "Don't look at me, I didn't crash the plane." Then Jack says it doesn't matter because of Boone's wounds, and they don't know his blood type anyway. Just then Boone sputters out something that sounds a lot like "A-negative." Jack and Sun both hear it, and Jack tells Sun to find Charlie and ask everybody what their blood type is. She runs off. "And find his sister," he calls after her. "Find Shannon."

At the moment, Shannon is traipsing through the jungle with Sayid leading. He's being all mysterious about where they're going, to such an extent that Shannon thinks he's actually Lost, or possibly just lost. He recognizes some trees, though. "It's this way, I think," he says, and keeps going. "Did you just say 'I think'?" asks Shannon, who nevertheless follows him. And it turns out another stretch of beach is right there. And Sayid has set up some sort of beach picnic. "Surprise," he says, and Shannon beams.

In the jungle, Jack is frustratedly throwing shit around when Charlie comes back. "I found an A," he tells Jack, who asks if it's positive or negative. "She doesn't know," says Charlie, who says he also found two B-positives and one AB-negative, "at least he thinks so," like, Charlie, this wasn't a bleedin' blood survey. Jack asks if he found any O-negative. "Sun said A-negative!" protests Charlie, which didn't seem to prevent him from finding out the other non-A-negative blood types, but whatever. Jack asks where Sun is, and Charlie says they split up, and he figured she'd be back here. "You only asked four people?" says Jack, and Charlie snaps that he asked the "whole sodding camp" but nobody knows their blood type. "I don't know my bloody blood type!" Oh, fine: heh. Sun shows up, and Jack asks if she found Shannon. Sun says no, that she was getting something for Jack, and she holds up a sea urchin. She plucks one of its spines, and tells him it's a hollow needle that's sharp enough to pierce a noodle. Jack's all impressed with Nurse MacGyver and says it's perfect. Then Charlie reminds him that they still need someone who's A-negative. Or O-negative, says Jack. "Right, which, judging by your tantrum, no one is," says Charlie. "Someone is," says Jack. Charlie deduces that Jack is, and starts spazzing, wondering why Jack made him ask everybody, and Jack quickly shuts him down by telling him that O-negative is universal donor. "It's in the ballpark, but it's not perfect," he says, adding that his blood could potentially send Boone into anaphylactic shock, stop his heart. "You mean he'll die?" says Charlie. Well, as we all learned from Itchy and Scratchy, you need a heart to live, so I'm going to assume that yes, Charlie, if his heart stops, he'll die. Everybody looks at each other all nervously, knowing full well that if the death is another fake-out, the audience is going to be pissed.

Flashback. Jack's plinking away on a piano in the hotel dining room, much to the general annoyance of the diners. His fiancée strolls up to tell him that couple of girls are "checking him out," and he wisely doesn't look over to check them out in return. Instead, he turns to his fiancée and points out that she's in her PJs. "Indeed I am," she says, and her voice is doing this weird robot thing again. And then Jack asks if the girls are cute. "One of them's kind of cute. The other one's just trashy," she says, sitting beside him on the piano bench. "'Heart and Soul'?" she asks, like SPARE US, and I start hoping that she goes into anaphylactic shock, which I understand can stop someone's heart and soul. Jack agrees, and she says she's taking the "easy part," like maybe she could explain to me which part is the hard part -- I mean, isn't that the whole reason that people feel compelled to inflict "Heart and Soul" on innocent bystanders whenever there's a piano around, that the entire piece is an "easy part"? So they tinkle along, and she gives Jack an out by saying that he doesn't have to do this, and you think that she's talking about the wedding, or even better the "Heart and Soul," but she's not, and they're all cryptic about it. And then she messes up her part, like if there's anything worse than amateurs playing "Heart and Soul" it is amateurs SCREWING UP "Heart and Soul." And we find out that Jack's supposed to have written his vows, only he hasn't yet, and she says that she read too many bridal magazines and they rotted her brain, like, I can't believe she is apologizing for asking him to write his OWN DAMN VOWS, and he says he will but he has to find the words. "They're just vows," she says, like it's no big deal, which obviously it is, otherwise why write your own vows in the first place? Jack's distracted for a moment, watching someone get out of a cab. "Hey, he's gonna come," she says, and Jack says he knows. Then she says that he can take all the time he needs down there, and when he's ready, she'll be upstairs. This is the night before? Man, I was in a completely separate hotel from my fiancée and there were people whose sole responsibility it was to ensure that we didn't see each other at all from the moment the rehearsal dinner was over to the Big Moment. "I can't wait to marry you, Jack Shepherd," she says, this woman whose name we STILL DON'T KNOW, and she walks off.

Back at the caves, Jin has finally arrived, like, how far away from the beach are the caves anyway? He asks Hurley where Jack is, and Hurley points to the O.R. tent. Jin bursts in, sees Sun, and he's momentarily thrown. The tastefully named Daniel Dae Kim conveys all his hurt and anguish and anger all mixed up with just a look; he's amazing. And I've recently been watching 24 Season 2 again, and although I saw him on that show before and Miss Match recently, he's so good that I was actually surprised on 24 when he was speaking English. He's also a little rattled by Bloody Boone, but he finally collects himself and starts babbling. Even Charlie can recognize when Jin says "Claire," and starts freaking out. Sun translates that Kate's with Claire, who's going into labour. The contractions are about two minutes apart, she's not nauseous or anything, but she can't move. So Charlie offers to saddle up and ride to her rescue with Jin, and he's asking how he deals with all the dilation and all that, and Jack firmly gives him instructions to give to Kate, who he says is going to have to deliver the baby. And I have to agree that it's best not to hand that responsibility to the hyperventilating ex-junkie who has a thing for Claire, or to the guy who speaks no English. Jack's telling him about the pushing and the crowning and the whatnot, and Charlie's all, "Yeah, but you'll be there by then, right?" and Jack says he's got to stay with Boone. "You tell Kate: she's got to deliver this baby!" he says, which is a cheesy act break line if I ever heard one. Commercials.

Is Grey's Anatomy any good? I can't say it looks too appealing to me. They're trying to make a point about people who don't think women can be doctors, by having a pretty woman strip down to her underwear and yelling about her breasts? Talk about mixed messages. That's the Boston Public approach, isn't it? "This school's cheerleading squad's routine is much too sexy for high school girls, as you'll see during an extended sequence of sexy girls in skimpy clothes dancing suggestively!"

Apparently, Claire's contractions have stopped. While she's excited about that, Kate cautions her that she thinks that sometimes happens. Claire basically puts her hands over her ears and goes "la la la la la la la la can't hear you." Then her water breaks (and Kate's the one who realizes it) and Claire starts to freak about how she can't have the baby now. Kate tells her that Jack's coming.

Only Jack ain't coming. With a tube stuck in his arm pumping blood into Boone, he's pacing around. Boone finally seems to regain consciousness. "Screwed myself up pretty bad, huh?" Jack warns him against moving, and asks if he can breathe okay. Boone starts muttering about the plane, and Jack tells him Locke said he fell from a cliff. Boone says it was a plane, and he whispers something about the hatch. "John said not to tell about the hatch," he says, haltingly. Jack's all, "What hatch?" but Boone zonks out again, murmuring "Shannon" a couple of times.

Shannon's making out with Sayid over on Dramatic Irony Beach. She interrupts the snogging to come clean (mostly) with Sayid about Boone, telling Sayid that Boone is actually her stepbrother, and "kind of in love" with her. Sayid asks what her feelings are towards him. She says she'll always feel "something" for him. "But am I 'in love' with him in that way? No," she says, and how convenient that she leaves out the part where she skronked him. "We're here for God knows how long. And so is Boone," she says, and the air grows thick with anvils. Sayid suggests going back to camp. She says she wants to stay, but she wants to take it slow. Translation: she and Sayid aren't going to play prisoner/interrogator tonight. "Are you okay with that?" she asks, like I guess he'd better be. "I had no expectations," he lies. She glances toward the picnic spread, and Sayid concedes that he had "hopes, not expectations," like, how noble of you to keep it in your pants, Sayid.

Claire's screaming about the pain, and I can't imagine the arrival of Jin and Charlie is going to put her in a better mood. Kate demands to know why Jack isn't coming. "He's pouring his own blood into Boone's arm right now," he tells her, and Kate fortunately realizes that if Charlie accepts that Jack couldn't come for his precious Claire, then that means Jack really couldn't come. So she starts babbling about how they're going to have to carry Claire to the caves, and Charlie interrupts her to tell her that Jack says Kate's going to have to deliver the baby, which freaks her out, saying she can't deliver the baby. "Well, someone bloody has to!" he says. Meanwhile, Jin's doing his best to calm Claire down somewhat. "The flower of your loins will soon be blossoming," he tells her (I'm guessing). She says that she was kidnapped for more than a week and is worried that something was done to the baby. "I'm so scared," she says. Kate, not to be left out, adds that she's also scared, like, I think Claire's fear trumps yours right now, Kate. "But we're gonna get through this together," she says. Claire seems to accept this.

Jack's checking Boone's eyes, but Boone doesn't seem to be responding to the transfusion. "Come on, Boone," mutters Jack. Sun comes in, and helpfully points out that the transfusion isn't working, like, thanks, Sun. Jack says it's not the blood that's the problem, it's that the blood is pooling in Boone's leg, which he calls "compartment syndrome." He also says that Boone didn't get that injury in a fall; something crushed it. Sun responds to this by yanking the tube out of Jack's arm, telling him he's given Boone enough. Jack realizes she's right, and stumbles out to get some air.

Hurley's hanging out, and asks if Jack's all right: "You're looking really goth," he says. Yes, really. No, he did not say "gaunt." He said "goth." Yes, he did. Really. I swear. Jack tells Hurley to find Mercutio, and Hurley wants to know what for, like, just LISTEN to the doctor, Hurley.

Oh, god. Not another boring flashback. Jack's sitting on the edge of the hotel pool, with his feet in the water, papers in one hand, half-empty bottle of hooch in the other. "Hey, kiddo," he hears. It's his dad, come to add nothing to this boring backstory. Jack Daddy complains about some crying kid in first class, like, life must really be rough. He grabs Jack's bottle and takes a swig from it in a truly touching moment of father-son alcoholic bonding, then asks what Jack has there. Jack explains that Sarah (thank you ["…not" -- Sars]) wants them to write their own vows. Jack Daddy has a look, and unfortunately reads them aloud: "My heart skips beats at the sound of your voice. My skin warms to the touch of your fingers, where you go I will go, et cetera et cetera," he says, and I'm not editorializing the "et cetera et cetera," that's what Jack Daddy actually said. He adds that they're very nice, clearly not meaning it, and Jack says those are Sarah's, not his; he stole them out of her room. He admits to having trouble writing his. "Yeah, well, you're a doctor, not a writer," says his father. After a moment, Jack Daddy says, "Sarah is a beautiful girl," and Jack agrees, like, I guess this is supposed to be the most important reason to marry someone. "Do you love her?" asks Jack Daddy. Jack says "absolutely." "Then why are you sitting out here?" asks his dad. How nice that Jack's dad is here not even two minutes before undermining his son's upcoming nuptials. Jack expresses doubt about being a good husband or father, which I figure is fairly normal, given that it's something that worried (and to an extent still does worry) me, and he adds this, which I admit was not a question I had to consider: "What if I asked her because I saved her life?" Jack's dad just looks at him. "Should I marry her, Dad?" Jack Daddy says, "Commitment is what makes you tick, Jack." Jack considers this. "The problem is, you're just not good at letting go."

That "letting go" nonsense is really all we're supposed to learn from this, okay? Message received. Back to Craphole Island, where Sun is tending to Boone while Mercutio and Jack examine a large cargo container with a sliding front door, much like a breadbox or garage door. Mercutio suggests using the axe instead, but Jack nixes that. "What are you doing?" asks Sun. Jack explains that they can't save Boone without stopping the blood from pooling in his leg. Sun sees where he's going with that, and is shocked. "The leg's dead," says Jack. And in case nobody else knows what he means, he takes a piece of wood and places it across the threshold of the cargo container door. He slams the door down, slicing the wood in two. What sick fuck designed this guillotine cargo container? "There's no other choice," says Jack. Commercials.

Kate advises Claire that it's about time she started pushing. Instead, Claire starts holding her breath. Kate tells her that if she holds her breath she's not going to be able to push, and then figures out that that's precisely why she's doing it. "You can't stop it, this is happening," she says. "Your baby's coming, and I need your help!" Claire's insisting that the baby won't want her, because it will somehow know that Claire initially wanted to give the baby up for adoption, and fortunately Kate doesn't identify that as the nonsense it is, and points out that Claire now does want the baby and wants it to be happy and healthy and all that good stuff. And she tells Claire that everyone is there for her, which is nonsense. "This baby is all of ours," she adds, which again is bullshit, but it would have been a nice attitude to have had when Claire was, you know, KIDNAPPED. Kate says she needs Claire to push, so Claire goes for it, pushing and grunting for all she's worth.

Sitting a short distance away are Jin and Charlie, who springs to his feet at the sound of Claire in pain, but he's stopped quickly (and amusingly) by Jin, who just gives him a slight shake of the head. Charlie sits back down.

Back at the caves, Mercutio and Jack are preparing for the amputative exercise in futility while Sun looks after Boone, who's now coughing up blood. She shows the sodden handkerchief to Jack. He looks tired, rough, and the loss of blood couldn't have helped. He blinks a few times, then says, "Let's go," and proceeds, getting Sun to help life Boone onto a makeshift gurney. She's yelling at him that Boone's bleeding inside. "You can't save him, Jack!" she yells, kind of like Adrian yelling, "You can't win, Rocky!" and Jack roars at her, "Don't tell me what I can't do!" exactly like Locke would say. He maneuvers Boone into position and gets the leg ready for some separation anxiety. Mercutio's looking vaguely horrified as well, and Jack tells him he doesn't need to watch. Mercutio just says that Jack needs his help. Jack looks over for a long stare-down with Sun, who's standing there all, "J'accuse!" She breaks first and turns away. Jack looks conflicted. And we're going with doubtful, and now determined, and now doubtful again, and now agonized (or constipated), and as Jack grabs hold of the Cargo Door O' Death, he grimaces, and we flash back to his Fiancéetron 3000 reciting the vows she programmed herself.

And man, GOOD THING she insisted they write their own vows, much to Jack's distress, because otherwise how would they have ever had anything as original as her "in sickness and in health" stuff that she's reciting now at their wedding, being held outside in the cheap showiness of nature. "I risk it all, because I love you," she says, like maybe she's a compulsive gambler or something, and the minister thanks her, then tells Jack it's his turn, and Jack hesitates for about five hours, prompting a "Jack?" from the minister, and then Jack says, "I didn't write any vows," and all I can say is stand back from the Chernobyl-scale meltdown about to occur from the bride, because having recently gotten married myself, I know that when your wife-to-be asks you to do something, you do it and damn quick or risk grave bodily injury to yourself, and I can't even imagine getting up there and saying, "I didn't write any vows," if only because I couldn't imagine inviting family and friends to our wedding only to have them witness my slow and painful death on a church altar instead. And Sarah has this look of horror on her face, because she thinks what all the viewers are thinking, i.e. that Jack is about to ditch her, as he blathers on about all the trouble he had writing his vows, and wondering why that was, and figuring it's because he has trouble letting go. Then he says that maybe it's because he was scared of what would happen if he failed. "But I know one thing: I would never have been able to write anything as beautiful as what you just said," like NICE COPOUT, no-vow boy, and then he tells her that when she was talking about her accident last night, she got it all wrong: "I didn't fix you. You fixed me," and then I think he tells her he loves her and he always will, or something, but I missed it because I was throwing up all over the place. They hug and smooch, and the audience applauds.

Cut back to Jack steeling himself for the chop-chop, when Boone starts raspily talking about how messed up he is inside. "This is our best chance," says Jack, who might want to focus on some positive aspects, like Boone earning a cool nickname like "Stumpy." "There's no chance," says Boone. "Look where we are." Jack says he won't let Boone give up. "I know you made a promise," says Boone. "I'm letting you off the hook." And now we're recycling Rose's dialogue. "Let me go, Jack." Again with the agony, torture, inner conflict, and hopefully Jack will realize this is NOT ABOUT HIM. He finally apologizes to Boone, who tells him not to sweat it.

You know, I don't know why they didn't just title this episode "The Circle of Life" and have done with it, as we cut immediately to Claire giving birth, with the screaming and the grunting, and I'm no baby doctor or anything, but I'm pretty sure her knees need to be a little farther apart then they are right now. Or maybe this is a special knees-together technique that produces especially clean, month-old babies, which is what winds up coming out. Kate puts the baby boy into an ecstatic Claire's arms, and Jin and Charlie figure it's safe to come over. Jin's grinning like he's the dad, and Charlie's just stunned, until Jin puts out his hand for Charlie to shake, and Charlie hugs him instead, like, what these two are congratulating each other for I have no idea.

And we cut from a shot of Claire cradling her new baby to Jack cradling Boone, laying him back on the slab where he was before. Through laboured breathing, Boone starts to say, "Tell Shannon..." but can't finish the sentence before croaking. Probably wanted to remind her to feed the fish. Jack does the "palm over the forehead to close the corpse's eyes" thing, and we linger on Boone's face for a while before we go to commercial. Wouldn't put it past this show to have Boone suddenly open his eyes and be completely fine. Commercials.

Man, Jack and Sarah have just gotten married and Sarah's already fending off John Stamos!

See, I don't think Maggie Grace has the greatest range of the actors on Lost, but I don't think that's the reason for the music-only montage we get of the morning, with the lostaways all gathered around their newest member while Jack intercepts Sayid and Shannon, returning from their night of hand-holding and card-playing, to break the bad news to Shannon; this is pretty much a J.J. Abrams staple, right down to the instrumental Fauxldplay music that's playing. And I thought Shannon did a pretty good job of slowly breaking down while kneeling by Boone's corpse. It's kind of hokey, sure, but we're not reinventing the wheel here. People can't get sucked into jet engines every week. Well, I suppose they could, but that really wouldn't be much of a show, would it?

Come to think of it, I'd probably watch that show. So, as usual, I have no point. I'm just saying that it looks to me the directorial choice here was due more to a lack of ideas than a particular actress's limitations.

Jack's alone on the beach, being Mr. Strong Blinking Away Tears, when Kate strolls up to annoy us. "Beautiful, strong, healthy baby," he says. Kate asks if he wants to talk about it. "Talk about what?" he asks, and she reminds him that Boone died, like, HE WAS THERE, KATE. Jack shakes his head. "He didn't die," he says, and gets to his feet. "He was murdered." Kate's surprised, thinking that maybe the CSI guys found something that Jack missed. Jack walks away, and Kate wants to know where he's going. "To find John Locke," he says. Man, Jack's intense about his backgammon.