The jungle. Sawyer, hiking back from his swim, hears a rustling in the underbrush. He rushes forward to find Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity digging in his buried suitcases. Wow, I was wrong. It turns out hoarding is a full-time job! "What are you doing in my stuff, son?" Sawyer asks.
"This is going to hurt," Jack says to Sayid in one of this show's patented Overlapping Meaningful Dialogue moments. He's putting peroxide on Sayid's arm. Sayid expositions re: his attack last week; whoever hit him also destroyed the transceiver and Sayid's radio equipment. "I will do what I need to do to find the man responsible," Sayid says. They're interrupted by Shannon hauling a well-tenderized Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity into the campsite. Jack does some more indeterminate medical-type things as Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity reveals that Sawyer beat the crap out of him. Incidentally, I've gotten several emails asking me to stop referring to this character as Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity. Wrote one reader, Goofy McTwatTwat:
Hey Mr. Kwa. Can you please cut back on writing "God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity" every time you write "Boone"? I think it's pretty funny, but it would be funnier just one time in a recap. Over and over again gets laborious.Just my two cents.
No dice, Goofy McTwatTwat! I don't refer to Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity as Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity because it's funny. I refer to Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity as Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity because that is the man's proper and full name. So it would be rude of me to shorten that full name, just as it would be rude of me to shorten your full name, Goofy McTwatTwat. Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity he remains.
Commercials! In eight days, Prince Harry speaks on Primetime Live! On the way to London last week, I picked up a copy of People to read all about William, the Good Prince, and Harry, the Bad Prince. Is it just me, or does Harry seem about a million times funner than William? William, as far as I can tell, is just a British John Elway, in looks and in pretty-boy aura. If he wasn't a prince he'd end up selling used cars. But Harry is the kind of kid you want to hang out with in your gap year, punching photographers, drinking to excess in Ibiza, shagging tarts. London was fun, by the way. The highlight by far was the Premiere League football match we attended, between Tottenham Hotspur and Charlton. Those Tottenham fans sure like to call people names! Early in the match, a guy sitting right behind us yelled at Tottenham striker Fredi Kanoute, "Fucking win it, you lanky wanker!" For the rest of the trip, about three times a day my mom would, apropos of nothing, mutter "lanky wanker!" and giggle to herself.
“ No one I know who's ever been in the midst of a serious, can't breathe at all asthma attack has ever managed to snap out of it by 'calming down,' but I guess they were weak, not strong like characters on a TV show. ”
Sawyer, his hair slicked back unattractively, sits at lunch with Maria Bello and her husband. My attractive lawyer wife tells me this guy is also in Gilmore Girls, but to me he looks exactly like Richard Kind, who played dimwitted Press Secretary Paul Lassiter on Spin City, so that's what I'm gonna call him. Sawyer is playing Maria Bello's husband expertly, making noises about how sticky it can be it get into business with friends. "I know your wife, from working with her at the auto dealership," Sawyer continues. "But I'm just not sure I'm comfortable." "Louisiana will invest two thirds of the drilling costs," says Richard Kind, Who Played Dimwitted Press Secretary Paul Lassiter On Spin City (just kidding, Goofy McTwatTwat! I'll just call him "Richard Kind"). "What is this, a loophole?" Sawyer plays it cool and acknowledges that Richard Kind has a lumberyard, so he doesn't need this. A lumberyard? It just shows that being able to handle your wood at the office doesn't always mean you can do it at home. Maria Bello pushes her husband to get in on the deal. "Show him the cash," she says to Sawyer, who cracks open the briefcase and gives Richard Kind an eyeful. When his quarry's still dubious, Sawyer offers to leave the money with him for a night. There's a pause while Richard Kind considers the deal, then Sawyer throws down three crisp C-notes for lunch and tells him to forget about it, he's already got another investor lined up. Maria Bello prods her husband again. Boy, between getting henpecked by his wife and poked by that preening rooster Sawyer, poor Richard Kind must feel like the feed trough at Tweedy's Farm. As Sawyer walks away, Richard Kind says, "Wait!" Sawyer smiles.
Claire and Charlie are engaging in telegenic beach-related busywork, discussing what they miss the most. Claire misses warm, fluffy towels; Charlie misses banoffee pie. "Is food the only thing you miss?" Claire says, and Charlie manages not to go on about the pipeweed for which his body screams. "You're pregnant!" he says. "Do you not crave anything?" Claire says she's the only Australian who loves peanut butter. Charlie says he can get Claire peanut butter, but if he does, she has to leave Midsection Beach and move with him to the caves. She agrees.
The caves. Shannon is gasping very realistically for air. Poor Shannon; on top of not being able to breathe, she looks really shitty right now. I wonder which she feels worse about. Jack rushes over and spins a web of lies, lies! about how she's panicking and needs to calm down. No one I know who's ever been in the midst of a serious, can't-breathe-at-all asthma attack has ever managed to snap out of it by "calming down," but I guess they were weak, not strong like characters on a TV show. Anyways, Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity is still freaking out, but Jack gets him to shut up and gets Shannon to control her breathing. There's a really nice shot of a really scared-looking Shannon breathing through her nose. She calms down a bit, and Jack takes Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity aside, telling him not to let her panic. Then Jack takes off, Sayid following. "That was awesome, man," says Hurley. "That was like a...Jedi moment."
“ You know, Charlie, there is someone who has actually been hoarding things. Did you ask Sawyer for peanut butter? He'd probably give it to you for $10,000 or a quick sniff of your undies. ”
Sayid catches up to Jack and tells him that his five years in the Republican Guard should help them get Sawyer to talk. "I thought you were a communications officer," says Jack. "Part of my training entailed getting the enemy to communicate," Sayid replies, which is a little glib for a guy who later professes to be haunted by his time as a torturer. "Just give me ten minutes with him," he adds. After some time spent looking agonized about the decision, Jack agrees.
Commercials! Man, if Australia is anything like England, it is frigging impossible to get cheap peanut butter there. Whenever we travel to London, we always visit my former co-worker Ethan, who was born in America but moved to Balham with his lovely wife Sarah/Sally a few years back. Because peanut butter is like 8 for a tiny little jar there, I usually go to Costco before we leave and get him one of the 128-oz tubs of Skippy. Last week, however, I was unable to fit the Skippy in my carry-on because it was already stuffed with his request for this trip -- a Donald Rumsfeld mask he wanted to wear to a Halloween party. When I emailed him this week asking how the party went, he wrote back and said that other guests at the party refused to talk or dance with him when he had the mask on.
Hurley and Charlie tromp through the jungle, Hurley explaining that that the food from the plane's been gone for a week. "No peanut butter, no peanuts, no nothing." "There's gotta be something," says Charlie. "Look at you!" Hurley stops in his tracks, and there's a quick shot of him looking not hurt but kind of scary. How awesome would it be if the instant Charlie said that, Hurley turned around and, with one blow, killed him? "Fat guy hoarding the food, is that what you think?" Hurley asks. You know, Charlie, there is someone who has actually been hoarding things. Did you ask Sawyer for peanut butter? He'd probably give it to you for $10,000 or a quick sniff of your undies. "I have no food!" Hurley yells. "And for the record, I'm down a notch on my belt." "Oh," Charlie says, but before he can say, "Good for you!" Hurley adds, "I'm a big guy. It's gonna be a while before you're gonna want to give me a piggyback ride, okay?" Charlie apologizes; Hurley says he's used to it. Charlie apologizes again, insults Hurley again, and then apologizes once more.
Camp Crystal Spring. Mercutio's cleaning fish guts off himself when Sun approaches and says, in English, that she thinks she can help Shannon.
Chez Sawyer. Seor O'McNicknamenstein wakes up to see Sayid looming over him. "Good morning," Sayid says, then clocks him. Jack and Sayid haul Sawyer out of the tent while Kate looks on, harshing their mellow with her negativity. Man, Kate Beckinsale: you need to relax!
“ Two interesting things here: 1. Jack is apparently a spinal surgeon, for everyone who was wondering what kind of health professional he was. And 2. Sawyer has even nicknamed the jungle. Stop the madness! ”
Sawyer, tied to a tree in the jungle, is revived with a splash of water. He's got blood all over the side of his face. Great, I get to recap a torture scene. I feel like poor Gustave. Jack crouches down and tells Sawyer that all they want is the asthma medicine. "It doesn't have to be this way," Jack says, nodding at Sayid, who's sharpening some bamboo. "Yeah it does," says Sawyer. Sayid approaches and gives a little setup vis--vis bamboo shoots under the fingernails. Sawyer tells him he thinks he's never tortured anyone in his life. "Unfortunately for us both, you're wrong," says Sayid. Okay, here's how it goes down: Sawyer grunts in pain. Sawyer taunts Sayid. Sawyer coins a new nickname ("Splinters"). Sawyer screams in pain. Sawyer screams some more. Jack stops Sayid. Sawyer taunts them some more. Jack, my attractive lawyer wife, and I all say simultaneously, "What the hell is wrong with you?" Sayid whips out the knife and threatens Sawyer's eye. He gives up and says he'll tell, but only to Kate.
All you people who posted how hott this was on the boards, gleefully discussing the HoYay in this protracted torture scene: Stop. Please. I'm begging you.
Flashback. Sawyer's in a bar talking to some kind of money-man type, apparently the guy who fronted him his half of the "oil money." This guy is upset by Sawyer's take-the-money-for-a-night tactic, rightfully wondering how Sawyer could be so stupid. At first, I too wondered how he could be so stupid -- not how he could be so stupid as to give the money overnight to Richard Kind, but how he could be so stupid to tell this guy all about it. But I was reminded over the course of this scene that Sawyer is definitely the kind of guy who wants to tell everyone how clever he is, so at least that makes a little bit of sense. "Women are easy," Sawyer says. "A few cocktails, a couple of stunts they hadn't seen between the sheets, and they think the scam's their idea." Husbands are tougher, he adds. Money Man asks, in a nicely tuned line of dialogue, "If you got your grift so pat, what'd you need my money for? Where's your seed from the last couple you wrote?" Sawyer replies, "I like earning it as much as I like spending it." For maximum value in that sentence, "earning it" and "spending it" should have been switched. Sawyer looks immensely pleased with himself until Money Man sticks his pool cue (not a euphemism) into Sawyer's chin and tells him he wants his money, plus 50 percent, tomorrow at noon, or else he'll make Sawyer suffer. Can Money Man do that? Money Man can, Money Money Man can.
Kate approaches a bloody, sweaty, and all-around grody Sawyer. He tells her he's still waiting for his kiss. Good God, what is wrong with this guy? "Are you serious?" she asks. "Baby, I am tied to a tree in the jungle of mystery. I just got tortured by a damn spinal surgeon and a genuine Iraqi. Of course I'm serious." Two interesting things here: 1. Jack is apparently a spinal surgeon, for everyone who was wondering what kind of health professional he was. And 2. Sawyer has even nicknamed the jungle. Stop the madness! Sawyer asks Kate if she's really gonna let Shannon suffocate just because she doesn't want to give him one little kiss. That's a pretty unsteady justification for your fourth-degree sexual assault, buckaroo. She finally agrees, crouches down in front of him, and kisses him. Let it be knows that Sawyer is not shy with slipping girls a little bit of Old Slurpy. For her part, Kate seems reasonably into it, despite the total craptastitude of this entire set-up.
“ Suddenly Jin shows up, waving his arms and talking that dang gobbledygook he talks all the time. According to my friend Denny, who speaks gobbledygook, he's saying, 'Are these the plants for the mentholated erotic body cream I love so much? Ah, [Mercutio], join us in our slippery, sinus-clearing dalliance!' ”
As they stare into each other's eyes, Sawyer admits he never had the medicine. The book washed ashore, he says (see above re: falsity of said statement OR poor work of prop department). To his credit, Sawyer is not his usual gleeful self in imparting this information, and to his credit, Josh Holloway acts the hell out of this scene, and to her credit, Kate punches Sawyer in the mouth.
"He doesn't have it," Kate growls to the waiting Goon Squad. Sayid gets pissed off and convinces himself that Sawyer destroyed the transceiver. He takes off through the Jungle of Mystery, knife in hand, Jack and Kate right behind trying to calm him down. Sawyer works his hands free as Sayid arrives and launches into him; the two roll around a bit until Sawyer gets stabbed in the shoulder. A scared-looking Sayid jumps off Sawyer; when Jack pulls the knife out, a gout of blood sprays up and hits Kate in the face. "You hit an artery," Jack says, working to stop the bleeding. He yells at Sayid to get his medical bag. Ah, the first mistake of an inexperienced torturer: always keep your materials close at hand. Were Jack a dentist, he never would have made that mistake. Sayid runs off.
Commercials. It seems as though Advil, by running these ads featuring Kristine Sutherland during a genre show, are basically saying, "Joyce Summers wants you to use our product."
Camp Crystal Spring. Sayid rushes in and finds Jack's backpack. Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity asks him whose blood is all over his shirt, and Sayid tells him it's Sawyer's. Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity's about to follow Sayid for the shakedown until a frightened Shannon asks him to stay. He does. As Sayid runs out of camp, he passes Mercutio, who looks askance at the bloody dude rushing away but seems basically unperturbed. Mercutio finds Sun and hurriedly asks her if the branches he'd holding are the right ones. She smiles and says they are. Suddenly Jin shows up, waving his arms and talking that dang gobbledygook he talks all the time. According to my friend Denny, who speaks gobbledygook, he's saying, "Are these the plants for the mentholated erotic body cream I love so much? Ah, [Mercutio], join us in our slippery, sinus-clearing dalliance!" Sun, rather than, like, explaining to her husband that these plants might help save Shannon's life, just walks away, wisely leaving two people who don't speak the same language and who previously got into a fistfight to work it out themselves. Mercutio cuts off Jin with, "Don't, just don't," and stalks away.
The Jungle of Mystery. Jack's applying pressure to Sawyer's wound while Sawyer says a number of rude things, including: telling Jack he knows Jack wants to let him die; reminding Kate they "made out"; and telling Jack that if the tables were turned, he'd watch him bleed to death. Why don't they gag him now, while they have the chance?
“ Shannon looks much cuter now that she's not wheezing and crying and snotting on herself, such that were I in camp I would happily volunteer to give Sun a break and take over goop-smearing duties. ”
Flashback. Sawyer's closing the deal with Maria Bello and Richard Kind. Sawyer assures them they'll get their money back, tripled, in a week. "You're not gonna skip town, are you?" Richard Kind asks in that jokey way you do when you're not joking at all. Maria Bello chides him: "[Richard Kind], he left his money with us! We could've skipped town!" Yup, Sawyer was right: women are stupid. This woman is so stupid, apparently, that in all her time working with Sawyer at the car dealership, and getting her vagina nicknamed by him in hotel rooms, she never once mentioned her son. I say this because Sawyer sure looks surprised when the kid shows up in the middle of the deal, asking his mom if she'll read to him. Sawyer looks sad and pensive. The kid looks weirdly possessed -- either he has really deep-set eyes or they shot him without eye-light, because he just looks evil. "Deal's off," Sawyer says, because deep in his heart he's a Complicated Guy, Sweet Cheeks. In the ensuing argument, Maria Bello manages to make it clear to her husband that she was spending quality time with Li'l Sawyer, and Sawyer drops Richard Kind's cash on the floor and tears out the door. I guess he got in trouble with the Money Man, huh?
Sawyer wakes up bandaged in his tent on the beach. Kate's waiting to have a chat with him about his mystery letter. She's been trying to figure out (as have we all) why he beat up Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity and let himself get tortured and stabbed rather than just telling someone he didn't have the medicine. "You want to be hated," Kate says. Then she points out that the envelope has a bicentennial sticker on it; the letter is 28 years old. "This letter wasn't written to you," Kate says. "You wrote this letter. Your name's not Sawyer, is it?" Sawyer explains that a confidence man named Sawyer screwed his parents in 1976. And then, years later, he pulled the same scam on another couple. "I became the man I was hunting," he says. Then he sees Kate looking sorry for him, swipes the letter, and yells at her to get out, get out, get out.
Commercials! I gotta say, I'm getting diminishing returns from week after week of flashbacks. As a revelation, this one has very little punch. Finding out that Sawyer is actually Fauxyer (tm Unlucky Bear) and that he Became The Man He Hated doesn't really explain his current near-sociopathic personality. I mean, it shows that he's probably upset with himself, but that's not the same as being a mean motherfucker with a death wish. Point A and Point B don't logically connect for me, and that makes this episode just another in a series of flashback-stuffed hours that make me wish, once again, that they would knock it off with the flashbacks and just vividly illustrate life on the island.
Camp Crystal Spring. Sun is smearing goop on Shannon's chest while Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity explains to Jack that his sister's breathing is much better. Jack crouches down to them and smells the goop; "eucalyptus," he says, shaking his head. "Smart, Jack." Shannon looks much cuter now that she's not wheezing and crying and snotting on herself, such that were I in camp I would happily volunteer to give Sun a break and take over goop-smearing duties.