I Wanna Touch You Outback

S01E04

Previously on Lost: I dunno, TiVo started recording too late. Read the recaps.

This episode begins with Locke's flashback to the aftermath of the crash. He's lying flat on his back in the wreckage, with the now-familiar gash above and below his right eye. The camera focuses on his sock-clad foot. Locke stares at it for a moment amid the screaming and the howling and the blowing and the glayven, mwa-hey!, and then reaches out for his shoe.

Midsection Beach. Night. Locke's face, appearing curiously better-shaven than in the crash footage, is lit by fire. Vincent the Shifty-Eyed Dog is barking furiously. Mercutio and Walt try to calm down him down, but he pulls Walt towards the fuselage. Mercutio apologizes to Shannon and Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity, who are trying to sleep nearby. A clatter and growl from the fuselage wakes everyone else up, or at least all our main characters. Sleeping arrangements: Shannon sleeps by Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity. Jin sleeps holding Sun. Sayid, Kate, and Jack sleep alone. Claire and Hurley sleep near each other, which is sweet. I imagine she's trying to protect her baby from predators by sleeping to the only castaway likely to be a slower runner than her. When my attractive lawyer wife was about three years old, she watched The Wizard of Oz and became convinced that the Wicked Witch of the West would visit her house during the night. For over a year after the viewing of that film, she refused to sleep in her own bed, instead sleeping at the foot of her brother's crib. Her parents thought it was adorable that she was protecting her baby brother, but she later revealed that she was sleeping there on the grounds that if the witch showed up, she'd probably kill the helpless infant first, giving my wife time to run away.

My anti-monster routine was a little different when I was a kid; every night I would insist on having a ridiculous number of stuffed animals in bed with me. My parents always thought it was because I believed the animals would protect me from a monster, but I inwardly scoffed at their rationale. What kind of a baby did they think I was? I knew that stuffed animals couldn't protect me from a monster. Instead, I slept on my side and arranged the stuffed animals under the covers in a pile by my stomach. Any monster sent to kill me would, of course, have a description of the child they'd been sent to destroy. (I imagined the monsters holding a ripped-out piece of spiral notebook paper.) That description would describe me as "skinny" -- which I was, once -- and the monster would look at the paper, look at my bed, see what appeared to be a kid with a gigantic fat stomach under the covers, look back at the paper, look at me again, look at my "stomach" again, look back at the paper, look at me one last time, and then, shaking its monstrous head, would retreat back into the closet. I couldn't fight a monster, I knew, but I could outwit one, because monsters are stupid.

"What is it?" asks Kate. Claire says it sounds as if someone's in the fuselage. What the hell? First Mercutio, now Claire? Can't anyone on this show identify frigging wild animals from their wild animal growling? Jack, mindful of the cheerful looter he encountered last episode, says, "Sawyer." "Right behind ya, jackass," Sawyer retorts. Jack, Sawyer, and Kate head for the fuselage, Jack and Sawyer holding flashlights. One of the castaways needs to make some tiki torches. Those would be festive and useful. Whatever's in the plane sounds as though it's unloading a dishwasher. I find it hard to believe that the boars we're about to see would actually waste time rooting around in the machinery of the fuselage when they could just head straight for all the tasty rotten meat in the seats. Sawyer's Big Man flashlight illuminates some cool glowing eyes, and Jack yells, "Run!" Then: Chaos! Squealing boars running amongst squealing castaways! Hurley saying, "Oh, crud!" Charlie falling over! Soon the boars have run off into the jungle, and Locke, with an adventurous gleam in his eye, confirms that yes, those boars were boars.

Commercials and credits. Jack's cleaning up a cut on Charlie's side and discussing the boars with Kate and Sayid. They all agree they need to get rid of the bodies; Sayid points out that burying the more than twenty corpses would be difficult without a shovel. Jack says they need to burn them. Sayid and Kate seem put out by that idea, Sayid in particular feeling the bodies deserve better than that. "I know this seems harsh, but that fuselage in the sun..." Jack says. "It's not about what they deserve." Sayid points out that many of those people may have had religious objections to being burned. Well, sure, and I bet they had practical objections to being mangled in a plane crash, too. "We don't have time to sort out everybody's God," Jack says. "Really?" Charlie cracks. "Last I heard, we were positively made of time." Jack insists, "Tomorrow morning, get everyone to collect up wood, dry brush. We're going to turn that fuselage into a furnace." He says they'll burn it the night. Charlie wonders why they're waiting until sundown to burn the bodies, and Kate points out that Jack's hoping someone will see the fire. This scene proves that you can come to agreement much faster in conversation than you can on an internet message board.

Morning. Sayid's going all Mr. Wizard on some cell phone guts. "There are better things to do with my time than collect firewood," he says to Kate. "You don't agree with Jack," she says, and he doesn't answer. She asks what he's making, and he says it's too soon to talk about, though soon he's explaining that he's trying to triangulate the position of the S.O.S. of Doooooooooooom transmitter, on the grounds that there should be a power source there. He is so totally trying to impress Kate Beckinsale with his knowledge of gadgetry. Kate asks what she can do to help. Sayid says, "Placeholder dialogue."

Locke opens up some kind of steel box, which we already know from last week's previews is full of knives. Walt wants to check it out, but Mercutio holds him back. "I'm sure Mr. Locke doesn't want a kid hanging around him all day anyway," he points out. "At least he talks to me," Walt says, and stomps off. Uh, kid, didn't your dad just find your dog? Shouldn't the magic from that have lasted a little bit longer? I mean, I know Locke actually did it, but Walt doesn't know that.

Sawyer and Hurley are tussling on the beach. In Greco-Roman, I'd give the edge to Sawyer; in sumo, to Hurley. In Incongruous Insults, I guess Sawyer gets the nod. In the middle of this shoving match, for example, Sawyer shouts, "I'm peachy, pork pie." Then Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity tells them to break it up, and Sawyer yells, "Stay out of this, metro!" Huh? Maybe Sawyer's a time traveler who came to the island from the summer of 2003, back when the term "metrosexual" was not already totally stupid. Sometimes I think the writers try a little too hard to make Sawyer edgy and cool. As one poster put it on the boards, "Did Sawyer win a nicknaming contest at the state fair?" Jack wades in and breaks it up, determining that they were fighting over, literally, peanuts. This scene makes me want to fly Oh Shit, The Plane Is Crashing Airlines, LLC, because I'm sick of getting fed rock-hard pretzels on every flight I take just because some kid's nut allergy might make him swell up like Violet Beauregarde. Hurley reveals that they're out of food, which makes the extras in the picture look concerned while other voices are ADRed in expressing that concern. This way, the show doesn't have to pay extras for speaking parts. Chintzy!

"Just calm down," Jack says, and Sayid notes that there are plenty of things on the island they can eat. Sawyer sits down in one of two connected airplane seats and asks how they're going to find the food. A big fucking knife flies into the other seat and twangs there. Everyone looks at Locke, who appears to have thrown the knife from over ten feet away. That right there? Is bullshit. That should be grounds for knife confiscation. "You either have very good aim, or very bad aim," Jack says, handing Locke back his knife. Why would you do that? He's just gonna throw it again. People like that never learn. Jack asks what they're going to hunt, and Locke goes off into a 109-word monologue, the upshot of which is, they're going to hunt boar. He reveals that the steel box is, yes, full of knives. Hurley says, "Who is this guy?"

Flashback! Locke picks up a ringing phone and hears a voice say, "Colonel Locke, is this line secure?" Locke looks to his left, then to his right, and says, "Line secure." Heh. The person on the other end of the phone tells Locke that the target area is secure and that maneuvers are a go for 1300 hours. They rattle off some more military jargon, before a wide shot reveals that Locke's sitting in a cube farm and is getting bitched out for failing to have finished his TPS reports on time. Hey, he works at Initech! Glad to see the company got back on its feet after Milton burned it down. I guess they did have a crack construction crew working on it. Locke's boss, Dave Grohl, yells at him for making personal calls during work, and smirkingly calls him "Colonel."

Commercials. Seth Stevenson is crazy: Those new Burger King ads creep me out.

Jack wants to know why Kate's so loaded for boar to go off on this hunt. They banter inconsequentially for a while until she reveals Sayid's antenna, which he's asked her to set up. "This isn't about boars," Jack says. Kate replies, "I'm a vegetarian." Who ate bacon one episode ago.

Walt wants to know why he can't come on the hunt. Mercutio resists the obvious temptation, to bring Walt along as bait, and instead looks around for a babysitter. He pulls aside Sun and, speaking very loudly and slowly and throwing in extraneous hand gestures, asks her if she can look after Walt. Look, I know that for financial reasons and for reasons of streamlining the storytelling, the makers of Lost can only focus on the fourteen or so primary characters, leaving the other thirty-odd survivors to be background and occasional bit players and Iron Giant chow. I am willing to suspend a little disbelief and not be bothered when it's always characters we know who happen to find themselves in the middle of things. But are you really asking me to believe that Mercutio couldn't find anyone else among the survivors to look after his child besides Sun? Not, for example, a babysitter to whom he could actually communicate his wishes? That there is a marriage of contrivance, that is. Anyways, Sun responds in Korean, of course, and my friend Denny, who speaks Korean, tells me she says, "You've seen me naked, [Mercutio]. Why won't you take off your pants?" Mercutio, for some reason, believes he's gotten through, so he gives the okay sign with his index finger and thumb. Oh, that's pretty universal. Walt protests that he doesn't need a babysitter, and Mercutio gives the extremely parental excuse that Vincent the dog needs Walt to stay. Are we sure he's never spent time with a kid? Sometimes he's a natural! Sun turns to Walt; according to my friend Denny, who speaks Korean, she says, "My husband's turgid sperm has never impregnated me, so my womb cries out for you, darling boy." "Whatever," Walt replies.

Claire shows Jack a wedding planning scrapbook she found in the wreckage. The couple pictured, she says, were sitting behind her on the plane. Jack hands it back, curtly telling Claire he doesn't understand what he's supposed to do with it. Claire tells him that some castaways were hoping Jack could lead a memorial. This is actually the first moment in the first four episodes in which I got kind of interested in Jack, I guess because he clearly wants no part of a memorial service. I like what a dick this makes him seem. I also like the fact that Claire realizes there's no reason she shouldn't perform the memorial service. After all, she's a licensed ship's captain.

Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity points out Rose, who's sitting alone at Broody Beach, to Shannon. She isn't interested in his concern for Rose; "What's a four-letter word for 'I don't care'?" she asks. Heh. Shannon is my heroine. However, I don't think she's just being a bitch; I think she actually wants to know a four-letter word for "I don't care." She's working on a crossword puzzle from Shannon's Big Book of Irritated, Bitchy Puzzles, Volume IV. She's currently working on Puzzle Number 14, "God, Why Won't You Just Shut Up," reproduced here with the kind permission of the McGraw-Hill Corporation:

Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity thinks someone should go help her, and Shannon nominates him. "You just can't help yourself, can you?" she asks, calling him "Captain America." Ha! Interestingly, the captioning here has her saying, "Since you're doing such a great job taking care of me," which certainly suggests something about their pre-crash relationship. He reminds her that at least he's keeping her from starving, and she insists she'll be fine, since "the ocean's full of fish." Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity expresses his doubt that she'll be able to catch a fish. Oh, don't worry, buddy; I'm sure Shannon'll be able to hook a big one.

The hunting party. Locke delivers another disquisition on boars. Synopsis: There's a boar somewhere. For a guy who barely said a thing in the first three episodes, Locke sure can't keep his fucking trap shut. Hey Locke: 15 Down about the rutting habits of boars!

The outskirts of Midsection Beach. Charlie's trying to sniff some heroin when he realizes he can sniff my heroine instead. An impeccably made-up Shannon appears and asks Charlie if he wants to go for a walkabout. Charlie can barely stop himself from launching into Driveshaft's #19 (UK) hit, "I Wanna Touch You Outback." (My attractive lawyer wife takes issue with Shannon's hair: "How does she have that perfect zig-zag part?" I'm willing to believe that if anyone on the island is carefully tending to her appearance, it's Shannon -- especially for this particular task.) "Can I ask you something?" Shannon says, and Charlie nods smugly. "I wondered when this was gonna come up," Charlie says. "Yes, I am the bass guitarist in --" "Yeah, do you know anything about fishing?" Shannon interrupts. Heh. It's the dismissive "yeah" that made that line great. Charlie goes off on a heroin(e)-fueled rant about fishing that, hilariously, does not include any of the following words: "rod," "reel," "hook," "bait," "cast," "net," "boat," or "water." He does, however, refer to himself as a "fishing fiend." It's all Shannon can do not to make Mr. Burns fingers and say, "Excellent."

The fuselage. Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity points out Rose to Jack and asks if he wants to talk to her. Both, by the way, are clearly put off by the smell. Of the fuselage, not Rose. Rose smells like chamomile. Again, Jack demurs, pointing out that he's not a psychiatrist, but Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity casually mentions that Jack saved her life.

Broody Beach. Rose fingers the wedding band dangling from a chain around her neck, staring makai. Jack comes over and drapes an airline blanket around her shoulders. He reminds her that he was in seat 23A, across the aisle from her. Rose doesn't speak as Jack tells her she needs to drink some water. Oh, sweet Jesus, does that beach look beautiful. It's fifty degrees and drizzling in New York today.

The hunting party. Kate compliments Mercutio on his son's bravery. Mercutio honestly answers that he can't take credit for that: "I wasn't part of his life until his mother passed away, two weeks ago." I really like Mercutio, mostly because there doesn't appear to be any big secret behind his character; he's just a normal, affable guy dealing with a poignant situation. His struggle to connect with Walt is really touching and interesting to me, and I hope it doesn't get all mucked up with like Mercutio actually being a murderer/kidnapper or something. He tells Kate he had gone to the city -- Sydney, I assume -- to "go get him," although the captioning reads "go get them," which seems unlikely. Unless by "them" he's referring to Walt and Vincent. He asks Kate what she was doing in Australia, and she doesn't have time to answer "eating bacon" before Locke hears a growl in the underbrush and shushes them. They creep forward to an area of tall grass. Locke makes a series of random hand gestures. Mercutio nonsensically, but hilariously, says, "Quit giving us the steal signal." Naturally, the boar charges them, and via BoarCam 3000 we see Mercutio fall trying to dance out of the way. He rolls around on the ground, groaning; the boar clipped his leg. Kate rushes to his aid while Locke lies flat on his back, staring, as in the first scene, at his foot.

Flashback. Initech break room. Locke and a buddy are sitting at a table playing some kind of Risk-type game, although to make it more clear to the audience that it's a nerdy war game they're playing, the normal game pieces have been replaced by actual green plastic toy soldiers. Locke tells his friend that patience is the hallmark of a great leader, and is interrupted once again by jerky Dave Grohl, his boss. "Tell me more about being a leader, Locke," he says, placing a single coin in a vending machine and pulling out a candy bar without making a selection first. Thanks for the free candy bar, TV show prop people! Dave Grohl continues belittling Locke, telling him that despite his nickname of "Colonel," he found out Locke's never been in the armed forces. Locke tells Dave Grohl he's just playing a game on his lunch break. Dave Grohl pulls out a brochure he swiped from Locke's desk and asks him, "What's a walkabout?" He reads from the brochure, and then says, "So you wander around, hunting and gathering food, right? On foot?" Locke tells him he already made his reservation. "You're really doing it?" asks his friend. "Did you tell Helen yet?" The thought of Locke with a lady makes Dave Grohl chuckle. They really could have dialed down this character and not harmed the scene in any way. Especially considering what we later find out about Locke. I mean, Lumbergh was kind of a tool, but he didn't actively belittle the disabled. "Why do you torture yourself, Locke?" Dave Grohl asks. "Imagining you're some hunter? And walkabouts? Wake up! You can't do any of that." Locke cites Norman Croucher, a double amputee who climbed Mount Everest. Or rather, whom Locke says climbed Mount Everest, but who, my research reveals, actually only climbed to the top of 26,901-foot Cho Oyo in Tibet. What a fucking wuss. Anyways, Dave Grohl calls him an old man and stalks out. Oh, first he boxes Locke's ears, sets fire to his tie, and pisses on his leg. "Just don't tell me what I can't do," Locke says.

Flashback's over. Back to work! Kate's fashioning a bandage/tourniquet for Mercutio's leg. Locke looks at his own foot, stumbles up, tells Kate, "I'm fine, Helen," and announces he's going to go get that boar. "You can't," Kate says, and once again, Locke growls, "Don't tell me what I can't do."

Commercial. If anyone ever asks me if I'm gellin', I'll crush his head like a melon.

The Ol' Fishing Hole. Hurley's trying to spear-fish using a bamboo pole with a piece of shrapnel tied to the end. It's exactly as successful as you'd imagine. God knows why they aren't using one of Locke's knives, or better yet, a net. After yet another unsuccessful sally, Hurley whacks the water in a fury, yelling, "Dammit! Crap! Crap! Son of a --" Charlie asks if he wants him to try, and an instantly calm Hurley says, "Knock yourself out." Heh. Charlie immediately falls into the water, and they both start giggling, thanks to the solution of heroin in which they're now both standing knee-deep. A promotional photo from this episode suggests that in a scene that ended up on the cutting-room floor, Jin joins them and catches a fish with his bare hands. However, apparently the producers found a way not to pay Daniel Dae Kim a speaking actor's salary in this episode.

Claire has found an envelope with Sayid's name on it; he flips through the photographs inside, which picture an extremely severe-looking woman in traditional Muslim garb.

Broody Beach. Rose tells Jack that her husband's fingers swell up when he flies, so he gives her his wedding ring when they board the plane. "You don't have to keep your promise," she adds, reminding Jack that he said he'd keep her company until her husband got back from the plane's restroom. "I'm letting you off the hook." Wow, everyone knows more about fishing than Charlie. Jack urges Rose to join the rest of the castaways, and she tells him he's patient and caring. "I suppose that's why you became a doctor," she says. Jack demurs, saying it was a "family business."

Locke's on the hunt...for a flashback! He's sitting on his bed, talking on the phone to Helen. He says he never felt so alive as when he told Randy off. He seems to have actually quit his job, rather than take vacation time. "That's wonderful. I'm happy for you, John, really," says Helen over the phone. Gosh, why isn't he telling her this in person? Shouldn't he be sharing his good news with her over a cappuccino at their local independently-owned coffee shop? Locke mentions the authentic Australian walkabout he's been talking about for weeks, and says he's made his reservation. In fact, he hopefully mentions, he's booked two tickets. But of course, Helen doesn't want to go, because ... .... . / .. ... / .- / .--. .... --- -. . / ... . -..- / --- .--. . .-. .- - --- .-. --..-- / -.. ..- ....! The rest of this scene is foolishness, other than that apparently she charges $89.95 an hour. That seems like an awful lot to pay when Locke could ask any random woman on the street to go to Australia with him and get rejected for free.

Kate asks Mercutio to wait a moment while she sets up Sayid's antenna. "You're gonna climb that?" Mercutio asks, pointing at the gigantic tree she's preparing to mount. "Don't worry, I've climbed a lot worse," she says. Heh. Your mom climbed a lot worse. Mercutio looks happy to sit down and stare at her ass as acclaimed actress Kate Beckinsale, the star of Van Helsing, scampers all the way up the tree in one impressive take. When she gets to the top, though, a sudden nearby roar startles her and she drops Sayid's antenna. It's the Iron Giant, stomping around the jungle. We get a nice shot of the trees bending and smashing as it passes by.

Locke has chased the boar into a little clearing when he's stopped short by the Iron Giant. (So's the boar, by the way. Wham!) He stares up as something big parts the branches above him and roars. No, you don't get to see anything. Nothing but a bunch of commercials.

Midsection Beach. Sawyer shame-facedly hands Claire a bunch of wallets he looted from the fuselage. Dollars to doughnuts those wallets have been stripped of condoms. Meanwhile, Walt asks Sun what the little green plant she's tending to is for. She plucks off a leaf and demonstrates brushing her teeth. "I get it, it's like toothpaste," Walt says, and then she teaches him, for some reason, the Korean word for "nuts." At least according to my friend Denny, who speaks Korean. Walt sees his dad and Kate returning from the hunt and runs to them, very impressed by his dad's wound. "Does it hurt?" he asks, and his dad assures him, in an extremely pained voice, that it barely hurts at all. "So it was like a boar fight?" an excited Walt asks. Awww. "Not so much a fight," says Mercutio. "More like, you know, me getting gorged [sic]." Uh, en-gorged, maybe, when Kate climbed that tree. "Where's Mr. Locke?" Walt asks.

Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity tells Shannon the hunt didn't go well. "That bald guy never came back." "He didn't bring back any food at all?" Shannon asks. "Did you hear what I just said? Somebody might've died out there," her brother admonishes. Charlie shows up, waving a tasty-looking fish and rattling on about how you have to get into the mind of a fish, corner the fish, trap the fish, blah blah fishcakes. Hopefully he didn't catch a poisonous reef fish. Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity and Shannon get in a big argument about how he can't believe Shannon used Charlie just to prove she can fend for herself. Charlie looks a little too crestfallen for my taste; if he's really been in a rock band, surely he's seen people treated worse than this before, yes? I just think this scene makes Charlie seem ten years old, and we know he could be as old as eleventy-one. "That's low, Shannon, even for you," says Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity, to which Shannon retorts, "Oh, go rescue a baby bird or something." Awesome. Best character ever!

Broody Beach. Jack tells Rose about the memorial ceremony, and she agrees she'd like to be there for that. He helps her up, looking happy to have finally made some progress with her. He suggests that perhaps she might want to say something about Bernard. "My husband is not dead," Rose retorts. Whoops! One step forward, two steps back. Jack says that everyone who was in the tail section of the plane is dead. "They're probably thinking the same thing about us," Rose says. As she walks away, Jack sees, far away, a guy in a suit standing under a tree. But when he looks again, the guy in the suit is gone.

Mr. Wizard's Workshop. Kate brings Sayid the broken antenna. "I'm sorry," she says. "Guess I should have gotten the warranty." Sayid angrily complains that he has to lie to anyone who asks him what he's doing. Seriously? Rose spent the day staring at the sea, Sun spent it babysitting, and it took Charlie and Hurley all afternoon to catch a single fish. I'm sure no one actually minds you fiddling with important-looking electronics all day. Kate takes his arm to reassure him that they can try again. This touching moment is interrupted by Jack, who calls Kate over to check out the cut on her face. The guy has no bedside manner; he totally manhandles Kate in this scene. Why not check her teeth while you're at it, Jack? Kate tells him that Locke got stomped by the Iron Giant, and Jack looks mournfully off in the distance. In the middle of telling Kate about the memorial service, Jack sees the suit guy again, slipping behind a bush, and runs after him. But instead of the walking Magritte painting he was expecting, he finds a bloodied and battered Locke, dragging a bloodied and battered boar.

Commercials. Mmmmm...battered boar.

Fuselage fire! Everyone pretends not to notice that it smells a lot like chemicals and burning people while Claire reads the names of the dead. Her descriptions of the lost, based as they are on the scanty information she was able to find in the wreckage, are quite touching. She memorializes one would-be organ donor and the couple with the wedding planning album while most of the castaways look on. A hooded Charlie smacks himself up a little (I guess it didn't all wash away?) before joining the memorial, just in time to hear Claire mention a dead passenger's video store receipt for Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory and The Little Princess. Hey, Alfonso Cuarón shout-out! Say his name and I can't stop thinking, three-way!

Jack's sitting out on Broody Beach while the fuselage burns merrily away behind him. That's a fantastic shot right there.

Mercutio congratulates Locke on killing the boar, and Locke fails to say, "Uh, yeah, the Iron Giant stepped on it." Mercutio asks if he saw the Iron Giant; Locke lies, "No," and gives the Thousand-Kilometer Stare of Impending Flashback. We're in Australia, in the walkabout tour office. Some rugged Aussie dude is sitting across the desk from Locke, telling him the walkabout is far more dangerous than he can handle. "I'm well aware of what's involved," a nervous and upset Locke says. "I probably know more than you on the subject." Locke points out that he's paid his money and demands a place on the bus. "You misrepresented yourself," says the tour leader. Locke claims he never lied. "You neglected to tell us about your condition," the leader insists. Locke says he's lived with his condition for four years and it's never stopped him from doing anything. His condition? What, being a semi-creepy wargames nerd without a real girlfriend? Just four years? The tour guide stands up and, looking down at Locke, says he'll pay for a plane back to Sydney. "I've been preparing for this for years!" a distraught Locke shouts. "I can do this!" "No," the guide says. "You can't."

By Dan Kwa

Commercial. If anyone ever asks me if I'm gellin', I'll crush his head like a melon.

Claire has found an envelope with Sayid's name on it; he flips through the photographs inside, which picture an extremely severe-looking woman in traditional Muslim garb.

By Dan Kwa

Commercials. Mmmmm...battered boar.

Jack's sitting out on Broody Beach while the fuselage burns merrily away behind him. That's a fantastic shot right there.

Previously on Lost: I dunno, TiVo started recording too late. Read the recaps.

As the tour guide leaves the office, we see that Locke is in a wheelchair. I know everyone brags that they saw this coming, but I sure didn't, and I'm glad, because I think it was very nicely done. Locke shouts, "Don't tell me what I can't do! Don't tell me what I can't do!" as the bus pulls away. The music swells. Now we're at the crash site again, seconds after the crash, watching Locke stare at his own right foot. He wiggles it. Neat! As terrified passengers run past him, Locke carefully brings himself to his feet. So that's the miracle he mentioned to Walt. He looks up at the sky, a smile on his face. From near the engine, Jack calls Locke over to help him pull out a guy whose leg is -- medically speaking -- totally fucked up. Hey, whatever happened to Squashed Leg Dude? Did he die or what? Locke sort of traded places with him, huh? As the music gets even louder, we see an urgent Locke jog toward the camera.

We're back at the memorial service. Locke stares at his wheelchair, illuminated in the flames, and smiles.

week on Lost: Jack goes for a swim, Jack goes crazy, Jack goes off a cliff. Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack.