Jack, Charlie, and Kate Beckinsale walk back toward the beach after seeing about half of the pilot up in the trees. Jack fiddles with the transceiver, and Charlie pesters him, expositioning that no one is going to be able to find them unless they get it working. It's not working, Jack answers. Kate takes Charlie aside and asks him why he was hanging out in the first-class bathrooms. I would have liked it if Charlie replied, "Because I have a shy bladder and I can't pee in the jungle," but instead Charlie says he was horffing. "My one tangible contribution to the trek," he adds ruefully. When Kate tells him she's glad he came along, and tells him he's not a coward, he stares off into the middle distance in a soap operaesque, did-I-leave-the-gas-on manner.
Flashback to the plane. Great. This will end badly. An extremely nervous-looking Charlie is tapping his Second Tour of Finland ring against the metal armrest of his seat. His fingernails have these weird black half-moons in them. The same flight attendant we saw last week asks him if he's all right, and Charlie says he's fine. Twice. And then says, "Please?" in a way that definitely suggests Not Fine. The attendant goes away. Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap. If I were his seatmate, I would punch him in his little hobbit mouth. Tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap tap. Maybe he's just tapping out the bass line to Driveshaft's #16 hit, "The Second Time Is Always the Sweetest Time (For Rammin')." A few nervous looks back down the aisle are enough to draw the attention of the staff, who start briskly walking toward him. To do what, I don't know. Maybe that same flight attendant who gave Jack his extra wodka also has extra dope in her apron pockets. ("Let me freshen that up for you, sir." "SNNNNRRRRRRT!") Charlie freaks and hauls ass up the aisle, brushing past Jack as he does. What's a big rock star doing sitting in coach? I thought bassists were allergic to coach. He tries a couple of bathroom doors, but they're locked; heading further up the plane, he cuts across a first-class row, earning a priceless bitchy "Excuse me!" from Toenails. A couple of attendants chase him but are interrupted by the first big spasm of turbulence; they stop worrying so much about Charlie and start seat-belt procedures.
Meanwhile, Charlie heads back into coach and finds an open bathroom. He pulls a baggie of heroin from his circa-1987 plaid Vans shoe, snorts a little, and -- upon hearing an attendant pound on the door -- tearfully drops the bag into the toilet. He's about to flush it away when he's flung up to the ceiling by the plane's big bang. Amid the screaming and howling, Charlie fights his way out of the bathroom, avoids a wildly rolling drinks cart, and fights his way into a seat. Then: Chaos (tm Wing Chun)!
Back on Midsection Beach, Toenails is stretched out in a bikini, tanning, as suckers labor away in the background. Her traveling companion approaches, gearing up for another tte--tte. "I see you found your bag," he says. He asks if she wants to help the castaways sort through clothes. "Not really," she answers, without opening her eyes. "You're wasting your time," she adds as he walks away. "They're coming."
“ What I find annoying about this scene is that it's too easy; never at any point does a smart TV watcher actually think that Sayid was responsible for crashing the plane. We know, for instance, that the lovable liberals who tend to make TV would feel bad about themselves if they made a show's one Arab character a terrorist. ”
"Is that your boyfriend?" Claire asks. She's also lying around lazily, though she has the excuse of being gigantically pregnant to fall back on. "My brother," Toenails says. "Boone. God's friggin' gift to humanity." Ha! I really, really like how mean she is. Claire eyes Toenails and says, "I used to have a stomach," which seems silly, as her current stomach is six to seven times as impressive as Toenails'. "Do you know what [gender the baby] is?" Toenails asks, and Claire says she doesn't. Then Claire decides to unload her worries to the one person least likely to say something nice on the whole entire island. "I haven't felt the baby move since yesterday," she says, and, of course, Toenails has nothing to say about that.
Mr. Korea, whose name, according to the IMDB, is Jin, is plucking sea urchins from the shallows while Ms. Korea ("Sun") looks on. Mercutio approaches and asks if they've seen his son. After a quick look to Jin, Sun speaks Korean to Mercutio. No subtitles this time -- I imagine because the two Koreans aren't speaking to each other -- but I checked with my friend Denny, who speaks Korean, and he told me Sun very clearly said, "I am exceedingly happy with my marriage." Then Jin hollers at her to amp up the demure and button the top button of her shirt. "I'm trying to collect sea urchins here!" he yells. "Your open top button is too tempting, because I love your hot body!" She buttons up, although apparently Jin has no problem with the quite impressive expanse of leg revealed by her above-the-knee skirt. Guess he's a top-of-the-neck man, not a leg man.
So where's Walt? Oh, he's in the jungle, carrying around a leash, looking for Vincent, whom I assume is his dog. I dunno. Maybe it's his brother, who's so dumb he requires a leash in public. Walt sees something ahead in a shot made a little eerie by the eerie music and a lot eerie by the eerie chunk of sun-dappled wreckage plunked into the jungle floor behind him. We see him pick up a closed pair of handcuffs. His dad runs up behind Walt and scolds him for wandering away. "I told you to stay on the beach," Mercutio says, and Walt replies, "It's so close to the beach I thought this would be okay." I like that Mercutio's response here is "Don't do that" -- Walt was trying to get away with the same kind of shit I always was as a kid, and it's an interesting moment between them. "You listen to me," Mercutio continues. "I mean what I say, you understand?" Then he notices the handcuffs and urges Walt back to the beach.
Fight! Fight! Fake TV-style fight, where people land expertly Foleyed punches! The scruffy cigarette smoker is duking it out with Sayid. After a couple of good wallops, they end up rolling around on the ground before Jack and Mercutio break it up. It's revealed that Sawyer, the scruffy dude, accused Sayid of crashing the plane, and then the claws came out! Rowr! Sawyer explains that he'd been watching Sayid throughout the flight, and that he sat in the last row of business class with his hands folded under a blanket, to someone who "didn't make it." What I find annoying about this scene is that it's too easy; never at any point does a smart TV watcher actually think that Sayid was responsible for crashing the plane. We know, for instance, that the lovable liberals who tend to make TV would feel bad about themselves if they made a show's one Arab character a terrorist. And I have no problem, in general, with this, even when as a result shows present pretty blonde terrorists, but I do resent a show as ostensibly smart as Lost playing clumsily around with racial profiling. The argument is halted by a suddenly-authoritative Kate Beckinsale, who shouts, "Stop!" Because the script says this was enough to make them stop fighting, they do.
“ Sorry, I've been reading the boards, where people are going a little tiny bit crazy in spinning out wild scenarios involving each and every character on the show. Of course, who knows, maybe they'll be right. J.J. Abrams, I'm told, has gone cockamamie before. ”
"We found the transceiver," Kate says, "but it's not working. Can anybody help?" Surprise, Sayid can. And surprise, Sawyer mouths off again. He's tiresome already. Hurley says, "We're all in this together, man, let's treat each other with a little respect." Sawyer considers his point for a moment and then thoughtfully rebuts, "Aw, shut up, lardo." Sawyer's virulent racism wasn't enough to spur Jack into action, but his making fun of the fatty is, so Jack steps up and tells Sawyer to give it a break. "Whatever you say, Doc," Sawyer sneers. "You're the hero." Jack looks hurt. My opinion of Sawyer instantly does a 180! He thinks what we're all saying! Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity asks the relevant question, considering the group just found the cockpit: "Any survivors?" Charlie and Kate look at each other, and Jack sort-of-lies, "No." Sayid says he needs a little time to fix the radio, and wanders off; Jack's old seatmate tells him that the guy with the shrapnel in his belly needs some attention.
Hurley wanders over to where Sayid is fiddling with the radio and calls Sawyer a "chain-smoking jackass." "Some people have problems," Sayid says, and Hurley agrees. "You're okay. I like you," Hurley says, which makes me smile because it makes it seem as though for a guy like him, making immediate allies and establishing common enemies has always been a necessity whenever he's dropped into a new social situation. Even if that new social situation is being stranded on a tropical island. It gives the whole scene a nice middle-school feel. Sayid uncomfortably tells him that he thinks Hurley's okay too. Let's please all stay off the slash in this particular pairing, shall we? I am uncomfortable with the amount of scraggly man-hair through which fingers would run. Hurley asks about Sayid's radio-based expertise, and Sayid tells him that he was a military communications officer. For the Iraqi army, I think. "You ever see battle?" Hurley asks, and Sayid says he fought in the Gulf War. For the Iraqi Army, I think. Then Hurley asks which branch of the military Sayid fought for -- "Air Force? Army?" -- and Sayid, of course, says, "- .... . / .-. . .--. ..- -... .-.. .. -.-. .- -. / --. ..- .- .-. -.." That's "The Republican Guard," but I put it in Morse code because that twist was so unbelievably telegraphed. Or wait! Hold on! Maybe he never actually was in the Republican Guard, and instead HE'S IN THE CIA! SAYID IS A CIA AGENT POSING AS AN IRAQI SOLDIER IN AN ATTEMPT TO INFILTRATE THE ISLAND WITH SPIES!! Sorry, I've been reading the boards, where people are going a little tiny bit crazy in spinning out wild scenarios involving each and every character on the show. Of course, who knows, maybe they'll be right. J.J. Abrams, I'm told, has gone cockamamie before.
“ Or, of course, SHE COULD BE A SPY! JUST LIKE SYDNEY BRISTOW!!! AND THE MARSHAL IS THE SPY HUNTER WHO CAUGHT HER AND IS BRINGING HER BACK TO AMERICA!!!!!!!! AND SHE ACTUALLY ENGINEERED THE WHOLE ENTIRE PLANE CRASH JUST AS A WAY TO ESCAPE!!!!!!!!!!!!! ”
Back to Jack's operating theater. A nervous Hurley has come to help Jack with Shrapnel Guy. He asks if Jack is sure that the man won't wake up when Jack yanks out the metal chunk; Jack says he doesn't know. To thoroughly test the man's unconsciousness, Hurley yells, "There's a rescue plane! We're saved! Yaaaaaay!" When there's no response, Hurley says, "Yeah, he's out." Jack tells Hurley that if the man wakes up mid-hunkectomy, he'll need Hurley to hold him down. "Uh, I'm not so good around blood," Hurley says, assuming a position at the man's head. "So don't look," Jack replies. Hurley obligingly looks away while Jack -- in an extremely grody shot -- jerks the shrapnel out of Shrapnel Guy's stomach. I curse at the screen, because now I need to think of a new name for Shrapnel Guy. Open Wound Guy? Nah, Shrapnel Guy is catchier. Sars tells us at the beginning of the season that we need to immediately coin catchy nicknames, because those ensure repeat viewership and are the easiest things for Lorne Michaels to spin off into movie projects. As Jack tries to stanch the flow of blood, Hurley ventures a peek and is soon dude-ing his way into unconsciousness. At least he didn't, you know, render the operating table unsanitary, which is what I thought was going to happen.
Back in the field, Shannon notes that polar bears don't usually live in the jungle. "Spot on," Charlie says. "Polar bears don't live near this far south," Sayid says, while in the background, Charlie guiltily stoops down to touch the bear. It feels like a rug! Kate asks Sawyer where he got the gun, and Sawyer says he got it off a U.S. Marshal whose body was lying on the beach. "I thought it might come in handy," he says. "Guess what? I just shot a bear!" He shows off the Marshal's badge as well. Sayid accuses Sawyer of being the former owner of the handcuffs, saying that Sawyer knew there was a U.S. Marshal on the plane because the Marshal was escorting him to the United States. "Fine, I'm the criminal," Sawyer yells. "You're the terrorist." Kate swipes the gun from Sawyer and, pointing it at him, asks if anyone knows how to work a gun. "I think you just pull the trigger," Charlie offers. Ha! Sayid explains how to take the gun apart, and Kate gives part of the gun to him and part of it back to Sawyer. He grabs her arm and pulls her close, whispering sweet nothings. "I know your type," he says. "I'm not so sure," she replies. Kate stalks away and gives the Thousand-Yard Stare of Impending Flashback...
And sure enough, we're back on the plane. Son of a...the flight attendant asks Kate and the man sitting to her if they want a drink. Kate says no, and the dark-suited dude, who looks like the T-1000, says, "Just coffee, sweetheart. Black." The woman rolls her eyes at his hard-boiled bullshit. The T-1000 tells Kate not to look so worried: "There's always that off chance that they'll believe your story. I know I sure do." A steely Kate replies, "I don't care what you believe." They trade endearments like this for a while before it's revealed that Kate is wearing the handcuffs, which are threaded through a looped cord such that she can't raise her arms much higher than her chin. The plane hits that first big bump; Kate looks nervous, and the T-1000, who, it's apparent now, is a U.S. Marshal, grins the way tough guys always do, you know, because they're tough. "I have one favor to ask," Kate says, but before she can say what it is, Chaos! The T-1000 gets hit on the head with a falling suitcase. As the plane screams downwards, Kate tries to grab her oxygen mask but can't reach it; she gets the Marshal's key and unlocks her handcuffs, freeing herself to get the mask onto her face. Before the back half of the plane flies off, sending one poor unseatbelted sap out into the stratosphere, Kate also, for the record, gives the T-1000 a few quick puffs of air, which is the writers' way of telling us she was either innocent of or justified in the crime for which she's being extradited. Or, of course, SHE COULD BE A SPY! JUST LIKE SYDNEY BRISTOW!!! AND THE MARSHAL IS THE SPY HUNTER WHO CAUGHT HER AND IS BRINGING HER BACK TO AMERICA!!!!!!!! AND SHE ACTUALLY ENGINEERED THE WHOLE ENTIRE PLANE CRASH JUST AS A WAY TO ESCAPE!!!!!!!!!!!!! BECAUSE J.J. ABRAMS WOULD TOTALLY PUT YET ANOTHER HOT FEMALE SPY IN A SHOW HE CREATED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“ Everyone looks pretty freaked out. Well, except Kate Beckinsale, who looks sad and pensive. ”
Jack's stitching up Shrapnel Guy, who suddenly wakes up, grabs Jack by the collar, and hisses, "Where is she?" Hey, it's Marshal T-1000! That was a nicely orchestrated reveal, I must say.
Sayid discovers that the radio has a little bit of signal, and starts shouting into it, only to hear feedback. "Feedback from what?" Kate asks, and Sayid realizes that there's another radio transmitting somewhere near them. "That's great!" Charlie says. Sayid tunes into the correct frequency, and a woman's voice comes on speaking French. "Does anyone speak French?" Sayid asks, and Boone, God's Friggin' Gift to Humanity says that Shannon does. "You spent a year in Paris!" he declares, to which she replies, "Drinking, not studying!" Maybe the woman on the recording is a bartender? In that case, Shannon should be able to translate fine. They realize from a counter on the transmission that the message is a repeating loop; after a little more pointless bickering, Shannon takes the radio and translates: "I'm alone now. I'm on the island alone. Please, someone, come. The others, they're dead. It killed them. It killed them all." Some speedy math tells Sayid that "if the count is right, it's been playing over and over for sixteen years." Everyone looks pretty freaked out. Well, except Kate Beckinsale, who looks sad and pensive. "Maybe they came for them," she says, but Sawyer logically points out that if the woman was rescued, the message wouldn't still be playing. "Guys," Charlie says, obviously no longer even a tiny bit high. "Where are we?"
Whew! People, give it up. Lost is pau. I'm gonna predict right now that this show has peaked, and everyone should just go back to watching Smallville right now so you won't get disappointed.
week on Lost: Mug shots! Guns! Knives! A man in a suit! Jack's seatmate claims that her husband's not dead! And Locke spends some quality time with the Iron Giant!