Brand-new Santagati voice-over opens the "Finally! It's the finale!" series finale: "Twenty days ago, five single women traveled to Alaska with a single purpose: to find a husband." Doesn't he mean five weeks ago? Stupid Santagati. However, it's hard to hate him anymore since I know this is the last time I have put up with him. And besides, this new opening means we're not subject to Rebekah's pod-person "yeah." Santagati sums up what's happened so far, explaining that the women have taken part in "epic group adventures as well as intimate dates." You know, just because there are mountains all around doesn't make this show "epic," you moron. They watched ice fall off a glacier, for god's sake. Blah blah blah "looking for Mr. Right." He says that their romantic journeys are coming to a "dramatic conclusion" tonight, as if. And it's topped off with a clip of Santagati introducing himself and welcoming viewers to the series finale. Then we get the regular opening sequence. For the last time!
Also, it's the last time we have to hear Santagati fudge the "previously on" summary in order to make it more interesting, as with, "All the Alaskan bachelors returned to the game, creating tension throughout the Northern Light!" Sure it did, and your out-of-context clip of Cecile going "oh my god" certainly proves it, as does Rebekah explaining that it was weird for her since she personally rejected about half the returnees; I suppose it would disprove Santagati's claim of "tension throughout the Northern Light" if I pointed out that all of Rebekah's rejectees still wanted to kiss her ass. Oh, let's also show the Sorriest Excuse For A Confrontation Ever between Will and New Tim, shall we?
No mention at all is made of the amazingly boring competition the women had, but I suppose that's a good thing. We skip right to the part where each woman picked her second Man on Ice -- Andrea picked Keith, the boat captain; Karen picked Mike, the park ranger; and then Santagati's voice-over even sounds like it's being ad-libbed, when he exclaims, "Rebekah!" and then says, "She selected Tim the fisherman;" Cecile picked Mike, the teacher; and Sissie chose Thaddeus the deep-sea diver.
We see stupid clips of all the women spending time with each of their men as Santagati says each woman has been discussing marriage and trying to figure out "which of her men is most likely to propose." I'm not sure how much time I should waste by actually describing this sequence, since all of the backup Men are going to be summarily dispatched from Proposal Point in a couple of minutes, despite Santagati's claim that the women are about to make "yet another" difficult decision: "Choosing the man she'd like to marry."
Drum machine and synthesizer music over more breathtaking Alaskan scenery. A bear zips right along over the snow, and since the Bachelorettes and the Men on Ice are real people (technically), it would be mean to say I was hoping to read "Tragic mauling provides dramatic ending to FOX reality show" in the paper the day.
It's Day 20. It's 6:30 PM, and the sun is going down on the "Final Proposal Point," according to the subtitle. Santagati welcomes everyone, then ad-libs his way through this stupid speech about what the women have done thus far. Then he says, "These guys have done just about everything," he says, indicating the Men on Ice. "They sang to you, some guys have carved wood, Thaddeus went to the trouble of making an elaborate basket." Okay, that last part is true, but Steve? Not one guy sang to them. Not one guy carved wood. It did not happen. Jason wrote on a piece of wood, yes. And Patrick chopped a piece of wood in half and then pretended to chainsaw it. But NO ONE SANG. AND NO ONE CARVED WOOD. STOP MAKING UP SHIT NOW. "Now, sitting across from you are the ten men that you want." Geez. At best, only five of them are men they want. But the other five are men they didn't want, and in fact REJECTED ONCE ALREADY but they were forced to choose another loser by YOUR SHOW because even the producers could tell what a dog this show is and wanted to jazz it up a little. But it DIDN'T WORK. And I'm sorry for using so much all-caps already but already that big vein above my left eye is throbbing. I can't take any more of Santagati's endless babbling laden with ridiculous gravitas and I'm going to skip right to the winnowing of the herd. And I'm going to sum it up by pointing out that every woman ditched her backup Man on Ice, and I think everybody knew that would happen, which is, I'm assuming, why the producers put it right at the top of the show and why we never really saw anything from the last forty-eight hours, or heard any Bachelorette explain why she chose the backup man she did. And it doesn't matter what kind of music the show plays, or how many lingering shots we see of the Bachelorettes looking torn as they pretend to mull it over. And we also don't need poorly edited-in clips of the twice-rejected men looking crestfallen when they're passed over again, especially when it was obviously shot at some other point, like when Cecile chooses Will over Mike and we watch a close-up of Mike looking dejected, running his hand through his hair, but then we cut back to a wider shot and his hands are on his legs. And we certainly don't appreciate that the ham-handed way the producers have handled this part means all of last week's episode was a big waste of time. I mean, obviously the entire series is a big waste of time; I just mean five minutes into the series finale and we're right back where we were two episodes ago. Stupid FOX. Oh, and don't forget to show us EVEN MORE clips of the sad, double-rejectees looking downcast as Santagati tells them that their "romantic journey is at an end."
Now Santagati explains the couples are going on one last romantic "overnight date" with each other in an "isolated cabin in the Alaskan wilderness," which is WHERE I THOUGHT THEY WERE SUPPOSED TO BE ALL ALONG, but never mind. "This is a last opportunity to get to know the man who could become your husband." Is there no limit to this show's idiocy? Or Santagati's stupidity, as he implores the couples to "use this time wisely," which is exactly what he told them last time, and he advises them to "ask the questions that have not been answered" and "share the feelings that have not been expressed." You know, three of the five couples have been together since the show began, so can we quit pretending that an extra day is somehow going to make them know each other well enough to marry each other? Let's call it what it really is: a last chance for FOX to get some sex to justify its unnecessary parental guidance warning. Then we get the standard going-to-commercial music and camera pull-back, only we don't go to commercial. Stupid FOX.
Overnight dates begin. We start at "Cecile and Wills' [sic] cabin." That's right, "Wills' cabin." So I don't have to do this each time, let me point out the morons who put this show together can't be bothered to employ proper punctuation. Either that or the men decided to change their names for the finale to Wills, Kurts, Brents, Kristians and Jasons.
Cecile and Wills walk along the beach. "Will is an incredible man and I'm so thankful to have met him," says Cecile in an interview. "I definitely want to get to know him better." Will blah blahs about the date bonding the two of them together more, or whatever. We watch them read together, and during a candlelit night on the couch, we see that one of the things Cecile does to get to know Will better is BLAB ENDLESSLY ABOUT OLD TIM. Good god, woman. Let it go. And when you leave Alaska alone -- for you will leave Alaska alone -- get yourself some therapy. She explains to Will how comfortable she feels with him: "Like the way you and I talk? I can't talk that way to Timmy." Will somehow manages not to point out that she also can't talk to Old Tim that way because Old Tim isn't there, because Cecile kicked him off the show, because she was "fucking livid" and said she couldn't ever be friends with him. But all is forgotten, I guess, as Cecile admits in an interview: "I still think about Timmy. I think we still have a little more conversation left." A little more? You won't fucking shut up about him.
Poor kind-hearted idiot Will. In an interview, he says he thinks he's helped Cecile deal with Old Tim: "He's probably out of her picture at this point," which I think means he spent a few hours listening to Cecile explain that Old Tim is out of her picture.
Some more chatting wherein Will and Cecile both say they're attracted to each other, but with Cecile, they might as well just superimpose a big old thought-bubble over her head with a picture of Old Tim's face in it. Enough of this; let's see how Rebekah and Jasons are doing.
Rebekah interview: "He's such a wonderful person and we have so much fun together." Jason blah blahs about how confident she is and how confidence is sexy. Of course, when they're checking out the hot tub in the back, it's not Rebekah's confidence that inspires Jason to suggest they trade bathing suits. Rebekah does genuinely seem to like Jason, though. She's hanging off him more than she did with any other guy. They share their first kiss, only we don't see it. In interviews, Jason's position appears to be that it was about damn time they kissed, while Rebekah says she didn't think they were going to, but they did, and the fact that they did is "amazing," for some reason. You'd think she invented kissing the way she's going on. I mean, she doesn't say the kiss itself was amazing, but the fact they kissed was amazing. Rebekah has to be the most solipsistic person I've ever seen. "I don't want to go home, I want to stay here!" she voice-overs.
What are Andrea and Kristians up to, you ask? Well, he's bringing her flowers and lighting a fire while she gazes lovingly at him. I'm convinced that her loving gazes are for the benefit of the cameras, in a "See what a connection we have?" kind of way. In interviews, Andrea says they get closer every time they "interact," and Kristian -- formerly in it for the sex -- reveals that although "commitment is a stranger to [him]," as people get older, they think about commitment more and more. He doesn't say he's thinking about commitment to Andrea -- just commitment in general. Maybe he should watch the old clips of himself going on at great length to anybody who'd listen that he was there for a good time, not a long time. Of course, that Kristian was a whole three weeks younger than this new family man.
Over at Chez Karen and Kurts, we watch the two of them doing -- what else? -- sitting and talking. Karen blah blahs about the "comfort zone" they've had right from the start. Kurt -- who probably should wait for his voice to change before he considers proposing to someone -- says he's developed feelings for Karen, which he says isn't surprising because of how well he knows her. Yeah, haven't we heard you proclaim before how well you know each other, only to have it disputed and disproved by Karen? Karen says that the best part is the way they can hang out and cuddle and "be silent" and it feels natural. I don't even have to come up with a joke for that. Then we get this contrived nonsense where I guess we're supposed to think they had sex, as Kurt cryptically says he was so tired he doesn't remember where he slept and Karen says she thinks he tucked her in and she doesn't know where he went after that. She giggles. Okay, nice try. Everybody knows that if they'd had sex, FOX would have played clips of it over and over again, like the shot of Kristian taking off Andrea's shirt that we saw eight million times.
"Who says I can't cook!" says Sissie as she spoon-feeds Brents over their candlelight dinner, and later Sissie is saying, "I prayed and prayed and prayed and I didn't even know what to pray for." And I guess she's talking about praying for a husband, which is a pretty damn selfish thing to be praying for, although admittedly not as ridiculous as Jane Fonda on her knees at Turner Field when the Braves were in the World Series.
In an interview, Sissie does some of her own Santagati-esque revisionist history as she explains that her problem in the past is that she has been "so strong" that she wouldn't let anyone take care of her. Yes, that's right. The problem with this soi-disant baby-making machine -- who wants her life to revolve around Brent's, remember -- is that she's so strong. Over dinner, Brent says, "I've waited a long time for something good to happen to me and I'm not going to pass this by." Let's hope his kids never hear about how long Brent has waited for something good in his life, okay? Sissie says, "I feel the same way about you." I can't believe Sissie, the rock, is crumbling and allowing herself to develop feelings! Has the whole world gone topsy-turvy? We fade out to scenes of the two of them making out in their pyjamas on the bed.
The morning, Brent serves Sissie breakfast in bed. The stove's about six feet from the bed in this cabin. In an interview, Brent says he's not sure what he's going to say at Promise Lake, but he's got "twenty-four hours to figure it out." Sissie says she knows she's not going to get a proposal, but she hopes that Brent will say he's enjoyed his time with her and that he's fallen in love with her.
Noon -- the overnight dates officially end and it's time for the Men on Ice to leave. In an interview, Cecile says she's "bummed" to see Will leave: "I think I could see myself definitely falling in love with Will." Will says there's a possibility that he and Cecile will wind up together. They hug goodbye -- and this is the last we ever see of Will.
Jason and Rebekah hug goodbye. In an interview, Rebekah does her squeaky-voiced gushy thing as she talks about how she and Jason bonded.
we see two zombies lurching forward out of another cabin, presumably in search of some fresh brains -- oh, hold on, it's Karen and Kurt. In an interview, Kurt says he was bothered by the fact that he had to leave because of how much he's enjoying his time with Karen. You know, talking to her, watering her, setting her on the windowsill to make sure she's getting enough sun. They hug and kiss goodbye and Kurt hops into the backseat of a waiting SUV. Karen says she was sad to see him go.
Then Andrea makes it a perfect five-for-five in the Sad To See Him Go category, as Kristian dips her just before kissing her goodbye. In an interview, Andrea says that if Kristian invited her to come to Alaska to see if things could work out between them, she thinks she'd say yes. Well, when you've already invested three whole weeks with an admitted commitment-phobe, how could you not take a chance like that?
For the first time going to commercials, we watch "coming up" scenes of the women trying on tiaras and wedding dresses. Santagati says "moment of truth" and something about a day they've waited for "their entire lives." We see Rebekah try on a tiara and her voice-over says, "I feel like a princess," but you know that she could have said that at any time during the three weeks covered by this show.
Commercials. Annoying Captain Morgan commercial that continues to promote and legitimize boorish behaviour of guys whose sole reading material is Maxim. Also, Goldmember. Is that Fred Savage? What is he, forty years old now? I guess he was available. That Taco Bell Iron Chef ripoff commercial bugs me no end -- at least it did until it was followed up with a commercial starring Carrot Top, which really needs to be outlawed. Oh, great. My old friend Felicity Huffman from Sports Night is in that new David E. Kelley presumed crapfest Girls Club. Of course, I'm now recapping Bachelorettes, so I guess I shouldn't talk.
Day 23. Marriage proposals at Promise Lake, which is where the women arrived on the first episode, back when I was a much younger, happier man. Karen, wearing her wedding dress (I guess FOX lied about those scenes of the women trying on the dresses that were supposedly coming up) is hiking up to Promise Lake, where Santagati awaits. He's wearing an ugly fur coat that men haven't worn since football games in the 1920s. "Karen, your Alaskan adventure ends here," he tells her, very solemnly. He reminds her that, "several weeks ago," she arrived by float plane looking for a husband. Then it's clips of Karen's Greatest Hits, as we watch her hanging with Kurt. We get that hilarious clip where Karen laughs and says, "Kurt's a hottie. He's got a really nice body" and then adds that, "In addition to that, he's really smart and really funny" that I guarantee was added much later. More clips of Karen and Kurt hanging out, riding on the dogsled. Has LMNO Productions ever done a television show before? Because we're getting what amounts to a clip show for the series finale. As Santagati goes over the list of the men she dated (Dorky Earmuffs, Michael, Doug, and Brad) and the plea she received (one lousy plea from Bob for having blonde hair). Then we even get a clip from the TOP OF THIS EPISODE of her rejecting Mike, her backup Man on Ice. We see a hilarious pop-up graphic that lets us know she wasn't picked first for any dates and received just one plea -- her dowry sits at $8,000. Santagati explains that a float plane will soon be arriving, bringing Kurt if he's chosen to propose. "If the pilot's the only one on board, then your romantic journey is over, and you're free to go home...alone," he says, brow furrowed appropriately. So...if Kurt does show up, she's not free to go home alone?
up, a five-minute wait as we watch the float plane flying, shots of Karen waiting, flying, waiting, flying, waiting. I can't believe how boring this is. Then I realized we were going to have to do it four more times with the other Bachelorettes. Waiting, flying, waiting. Sped-up footage of clouds moving over the mountain and smoke rising from the fire. Finally, the plane arrives and swoops past Karen, before curling around and landing, with Karen trying to see if Kurt's on board. I assume the plane circled around to reduce its speed before landing, but including the clips of it doing so was intended to heighten the tension. Needless to say, it failed.
The pilot gets out and...the plane's interior camera shows an empty backseat as the synthesizers warble out a mournful bass note. Santagati comes back out and gestures to the plane: "Karen, there's no one on that plane. Kurt isn't coming. You're free to go home, alone." Karen pastes on a smile, hikes up her dress, and hoofs it over to the plane.
In a "video farewell," Kurt burbles on about how fortunate he is to have met Karen. The word "connection" comes up. We watch Karen sitting in the plane as what sounds like a tacked-on voice-over of Kurt saying, "But I can't make any commitments for the future --" and it sounds like he wasn't finished speaking, but that's all we hear. See ya, Karen. Don't be a stranger. Commercials.
Now it's Andrea's turn to hike awkwardly up to Promise Lake, where Santagati walks her down memory lane, reminiscing about her sticking with Kristian through thick and thin, even after he told her he doesn't see them developing a long-term relationship. We're shown clips of Andrea dating Thaddeus, New Tim, and Mike, but Santagati reminds her that she found none of them to be "marriage material." Then we get a whole lot more of the whole Patrick saga, and I don't know why they spend so much time on this, since we know she chooses Kristian in the end. And then we pretend that Andrea had some major connection with Keith, when in reality he only made a plea to her since he figured at the time she was the Bachelorette most likely to ditch her current Man on Ice. In the end, she picked Keith as her second Man on Ice, since he didn't pose a threat to Kristian, or something, according to Santagati. "In the end, you only had eyes for Kristian," he says, as the pop-up graphic reminds us that Andrea was never picked first for dates and received two pleas. Her dowry stands at $10,000. Santagati tells her a float plane is on its way, and "hopefully" Kristian is on it. Santagati gives her the stupid "you're free to go home...alone" line again and walks off. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. A full thirty seconds of Andrea just standing there. Here comes the plane! It does the whole fly-by/sweep around/landing thing. Andrea can't even work up a smile; it's like she's expecting an empty plane.
Then, Kristian gets off, which I have to admit surprised me, despite his sudden seemingly newfound interest in domesticity. Andrea looks a combination of happy and relieved. Kristian takes about half an hour to stroll up to her. "Hi," he says, as the soft synthesized Flutes of Fairy-Tale Romance lilt in the background. "You look beautiful," he says, and she thanks him. "So I made some notes to help me get through this," he says, and I have to say saying you need help to "get through this" isn't the most romantic thing you could say to a woman in a wedding dress. He takes her hand and starts reading from his notes: "Andrea, you're a very unique and wonderful person, and I feel blessed and privileged for the time we've shared. I've seen your beautiful and strong sides, like the way you carry yourself through life: straightforward, honest, and open." Hey, baby, I really dig you. You're so straightforward. This would be fairly entertaining if Kristian did it as a PowerPoint presentation. Blah blah blah, "You've shown that you're wild enough, and crazy enough, to take some risks." Did anybody see Andrea take any risks? Me neither. This must be more of that freaky sex that Andrea alluded to before. He says "secure" and "confident" and "sweet" and he just keeps going on. I've been to actual weddings that didn't take this long; even Andrea's starting to look bored. But Kristian continues: "I want to see more of you, see more of these qualities, and discover some new ones." I bet you do, dude. "Our adventure's just beginning." Please just get on with it. "Andrea, will you make some time to spend with me in Alaska? I want to get to know you better." Andrea, managing not to look disappointed, says, "Absolutely. I would love to do that." The music builds to a climax, as he kisses her on the cheek, like we're supposed to think that after extolling Andrea's virtues for a good two minutes as she stands there in a wedding dress, that saying basically, "So, you want to hang some more or what?" is a happy ending. Andrea, listen closely. He wants more sex. They hug as Andrea says, "That wasn't so hard, was it?" Good CHRIST, woman! He didn't DO anything! They stroll off down the lakeshore as the cascading piano arpeggios send them off.
Commercials. You know, one day someone is going to stab that asshole Subway guy to death. Then there's a travel commercial for Toronto! Cool! There's the CN Tower! There's the Hockey Hall of Fame where I saw the stick that Paul Coffey used to score the Stanley Cup-winning goal for the Edmonton Oilers in 1985! There's Wing Chun! Hi, Wing Chun! ["Who let a camera crew in here?" -- Wing Chun]
Rebekah's turn. We run down Rebekah's time in Alaska, as Santagati explains that many of the bachelors were "enamoured by" her, even though that should be "enamoured of" her. We get quick clips of each of her rejectees saying "Rebekah" at Proposal Point and Santagati explains that while she was "touched" by each man's feelings (as if), only Jason truly won her heart. "As time passed, your attraction grew into something more," says Santagati. Jason and Rebekah cuddle. "You brought Cecile's ex Tim as your second Man on Ice, yet it was Jason who you felt was marriage material." Hey, thanks for not explaining why she chose Old Tim. Thanks for bringing up the whole incredibly pointless second-Man-on-Ice thing again. Also, a week and a half of wasting time and a little "screwing around" makes Tim Cecile's "ex"? Rebekah's pop-up graphic tells us she was picked first for dates twice and received seven pleas. Her dowry's $23,000.
Santagati delivers his warning that if Jason doesn't arrive on the plane, she's "free to go home...alone." He strolls off, leaving Rebekah there to wait. She plays with her flowers and watches the clouds go by. This nonsense is about as dramatic as watching grass grow. There goes the plane on its first fly-past. Rebekah squints at it. It circles around and lands, pulling up to the shore, while Rebekah looks determined to ignore it. The pilot gets out, and Rebekah starts grinning like an idiot -- at least until we're shown the same empty interior shot that Karen got. Rebekah's smile fades. Santagati strolls back up. "I'm sorry, Rebekah, but there's no one on that plane. So you're free to go." She stomps on over to the plane, looking very unimpressed.
Comedic high point comes with Jason's video farewell, where he praises Rebekah's "grace, intelligence, depth, and style" and other such hoo-hah. "I just hope everyone can see that the princess's beauty" -- and he actually makes air quotes when he says "princess" -- "is much greater on the inside than the outside." Yeah, we really got that. He thanks her for sharing her time with him, and adds, "Don't get into too many snowball fights in California. Bye." Goodbye, Rebekah. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.
Commercials. Reign of Fire. Wasn't Matthew McConaughey going to be a big movie star once upon a time? And would someone please SHOOT CARROT TOP ALREADY?
Cecile arrives. For some reason, Santagati forgets to use his "your Alaskan adventure ends here" line. We are forced to relive the Saga of the Tims, wherein Old Tim felt pressure and "decided to back away." Santagati fudges a little when he says, "But before he could tell you in private, he was forced to spill his guts in front of the group," when he really had lots of opportunity to tell her "in private," as far as privacy means anything on this show, but I'd rather not get into all that again. Tim admits he lied. Cecile scurries off to the bathroom to swear a whole lot, but thank god we're spared the singular pain of listening to her blubbering away a little later on with the door closed. She dumps Old Tim for New Tim, which is an even bigger disaster (and one in which Cecile again deserves some, if not most, of the blame), and she switches to Will. She was picked first for dates twice, had three pleas, and her dowry sits at $16,000, the second-highest. Santagati wishes her luck, and then we play the waiting game again.
The plane lands, and pulls up. We can actually see someone sitting in the back. Unlike the other women, though, Cecile isn't looking at all at the plane. I'll bet good money she was instructed not to look, in a final feeble attempt to create some excitement. Santagati strolls back up and tells her Will isn't on the plane. She keeps smiling and sort of glances over her shoulder. "But there's a gentlemen that wants to come up here and have a few words with you," he says. Cecile suddenly looks scared, but Old Tim gets off the plane and saunters up. Cecile starts smiling and giggling. "Well, here I am," he says. And how nice it is that this show once again ignores the decisions made by the women. I mean, here's a guy who was rejected twice by the women (including once by Cecile herself) and yet gets to come back instead of Will, the man Cecile actually did choose. Sure, Cecile is still obviously carrying a torch for Old Tim, but it still comes off as another example of this show's stupid making-it-up-as-we-go-along nonsense. Anyway, Old Tim blathers on about how much pressure he faced and how he didn't really have an open mind, which wasn't fair to either of them, but blah blah "I met a beautiful woman" blah blah. Bottom line is he asks for a second chance for them to get to know each other "away from all the lights and cameras." Cecile says, "I would love to," and giggles. These two idiots completely deserve each other. They hug, and Cecile says, "You look really good." Huh? He's wearing a ski jacket, for crying out loud. Old Tim just says "thank you." Uh, Tim? When a woman compliments your appearance, by all means thank her, but you had better respond in kind, especially when SHE'S WEARING A GODDAMN WEDDING DRESS. What man doesn't know this? Cecile giggles a little more about how she thought she was going home and I guess it's a lucky thing for her that a man showed up to validate her existence and allow her to be in Alaska, because obviously she couldn't just do as she pleases. I dislike Cecile more than I dislike Rebekah, which says a lot. Then I gag as they thank each other about eight million times, Cecile thanking Old Tim for coming back and saying nice things and how it "took a lot" and Tim thanks her for thanking him and stuff. God, this is painful. More hugging.
Commercials. Thank you. Time to start chugging the Pepto-Bismol in preparation for the upcoming Brent and Sissie schmaltz-fest.
Okay, here comes Sissie. Santagati: "Sissie, this is where your Alaskan journey ends." Then he begins the Sissie and Brent recap, which basically amounts to "Sissie instantly loves Brent, who eventually admits that he's in love with her." OH GOD NOT THE "HUNKA BURNIN' LOVE" CLIP AGAIN HAVE YOU PEOPLE NO MERCY. They flirt. Sissie clings. We revisit her supposed "plan" to scare off any would-be suitors. We revisit the "make my life revolve around his" comment. The ever-grammatically deficient Santagati reminds her that she chose Thaddeus as her second Man on Ice. "But of course, your heart and soul lied [sic] with Brent." Sissie was never picked first for dates and received two pleas, for a dowry of $9,000.
Let's get this over with, shall we? The plane swoops by, circles around and lands, Sissie watching it pretty much the whole way. She starts smiling as Brent gets off and the flutes kick in. Brent saunters on up, and at least he knows to tell Sissie she looks "very beautiful." She thanks him. Brent starts rambling, Sissie starts nodding. He goes on about "wonderful experience" and "fell in love" and such, while Sissie stands there grinning and nodding her head. I know I referred before to Karen resembling a bobblehead doll, but that was before I saw Sissie's spastic rubberneck head-bounce routine here. "I feel like I'm the luckiest man in the world," says Brent. Lou Gehrig turns in his grave. Now, Brent has some questions. He asks her if she'd be willing to meet his family and kids. Sissie says, "bobble bobble bobble." He asks to visit her family in South Carolina. Sissie bobbles. Now he hems and haws while Sissie looks at him expectantly. "Don't make me cry," she says. I said the same thing to Wing Chun when she first asked me to recap this garbage. ["But I did make you cry. Aw." -- Wing Chun] Brent shuffles his feet. He says, "If things do fall into place, as in seeing what I'm like up here, and seeing what you're like down there and visit each other's families...." Long pause, as that barely coherent statement lingers, then he continues: "Um, would you be willing to move up to Alaska and leave everything behind and...would you marry me?"
Sissie looks conflicted and has to think about it for a minute. Ha ha! Of course not! She says, "Yes, I would," and looks like she's about to start crying, and throws her arms around Brent. Nice heavily conditional proposal, Brent. Not that it matters to Sissie. She's like the dog in that old Far Side cartoon that only hears its own name and everything else is "blah blah blah." I'm willing to bet the only words Sissie heard from the moment Brent opened his mouth were, "Blah blah blah love blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah..." long pause..."blah blah blah blah blah blah...would you marry me?"
Brent and Sissie hug as the music swells to try to convince us this is touching. They kiss, hug, and then make small talk and they each mention saying many prayers the night before. What's with all the prayer talk out of nowhere with these two? Did I miss an episode in which they were born again? Is this 7th Heaven? They hug some more and stroll off down the lakeshore, probably to pray. In a blink-and-you-miss-it where-are-they-now wrap-up, we get Animal House-style subtitles telling us that "Sissie moved to Alaska to pursue her relationship with Brent." It's sweet that she's finally able to let someone take care of her. "Karen returned to New Hampshire. She and Kurt have not seen each other since." Yeah, well...ah, who even cares. It's Karen and Kurt, for krying out loud. "Andrea returned to San Francisco. She and Kristian are maintaining a long-distance relationship." According to Andrea, I'll bet. "Rebekah returned to Los Angeles. She has not seen Jason since." Excuse me while I try to keep from crying. "Tim visited Cecile in California. Afterwords [sic, for the love of god buy a fucking dictionary, you morons] he told her again he did not want a relationship." Somewhere, I bet Cecile is livid. Fucking livid. Can I also point out what a stupid idea it was to use the same dramatic music during these updates as was used to score Sissie and Brent's conditional proposal?
So, let's count up the marriages inspired by this show...hmmm, zero. What a surprise. You know, maybe televised desperation isn't the best foundation for a healthy relationship. I'm certainly shocked.
Since I wanted a pithy quote to sum up how it feels to be free of this show, I scoured Bartlett's for some freedom quotations -- but the best I could come up with comes courtesy of the Soup Dragons: "I'm free, to do what I want, any old time."
Thanks for reading, everyone -- now, for god's sake, get some sun.