So, the season finale came up rather quickly, didn't it? I'm really looking forward to having all my questions answered. And so soon! Like, what's Yves's obsession with Lee Harvey Oswald? Why is she such a ruthless mercenary -- albeit one who grudgingly indulges three journalists' whims whenever they call? Where she gets her unending supply of black leather catsuit-type garments? La Catsuit Casa? International House of Catsuits? Daffy's? Let's go shopping with the girl and see. Anyway, lights up on a giant deer head. Aaagh! No wait, it's a bar. A manly, smoky, red-woody bar. A piano tinkles gently in the background. Michael McKean -- yay -- sits at the bar chatting up a lady in a red dress. He tells her he's into espionage, not-so-subtly removes his wedding ring, and then turns to deliver the line that will surely make her fall into bed with him: the Tommy Lee Jones character from Men In Black was based on him, "loosely." Shall we get a hotel room and go do it now? Ooh, the lady in the red dress is so hot for you right now, Lenny. He somehow drops his wedding ring on the black marble bar right in front of the dame and the piano punctuates the moment with a little wah-wah-wah sound. Go, Mark Snow. The lady is guess what, disgusted, and wow, good-thing-I'm-sitting-down, leaves. Damn.
Michael McKean drunkenly weaves to his car, dame-less, when a bright light from the sky blinds him. UFO! UFO! UFO! That's a Rocket From The Crypt song, too. Then, wham: Poor Lenny is strapped into one of those alien torture-chair-cum-codpiece in which poor Mulder languished for most of this season. Damn you, Chris Carter! Not just for that, either! The thing that stretches the face looks like a fret board to a ukulele, and frankly, not at all scary. It's something H.R. Giger's toddler drew up, and didn't even get posted to the fridge. Lenny calls out, "Hello! Can we talk?" I half expect him to do that Joan Rivers gagging gesture. Then, aaagh! It's a person in an alien suit! Also not scary! Lenny sounds irritated as he says, "It's me, Majestic 12? We play for the same team?" Hee. The fake alien whips out a dental/torture device and Lenny begs him not to do that with that, because he hates that. So what is "Meherrin," then? Lenny won't say. Whirr goes the torture thing. "Meherrin" is a code name for photon weapons technology they "borrowed" from the aliens, and it took them fifty years to figure it out. But Lenny isn't a "hardware guy." Hee. The fake alien sticks the think up Lenny's nose and demands to know everything. Lenny screams, like a big baby, and his scream fades into...
...Jimmy's giant "YEEE-HAAW! YEEEE-HAAAAW! We rock! We are the champions!" He's in the back of the Lone Gunvan, and Frohike is happily peeling off the alien mask. Byers is like, "What a scoop! An honest-to-god man in black!" Langly is like, "Yeah, it's amazing what a Halloween costume and some sodium pentathol can do!" They're all like, yay! Hooray! What's that light shining in out eyes! It's millions of cops, with guns and Jeeps and stuff. The LGs are so busted.
The credits. For the last time?
The LGs are forced to their knees, guns to their heads, surrounded by millions of cops. Frohike looks exactly like Casper the friendly ghost. Up rolls Lenny. He looks pissed. "Shoot 'em all in the head." Langly is like, "Whoa, whoa, wait, you can't do that!" Are they playing Death is Not an Option? Lenny wants to know how the "four monkeys" knew how to find him. A tour of all the bars in D.C.? No, it was an email that provided all the juicy details. What else. And who was it from? A. Non. E. Mouse. Or, from a military server, from Romeo 61. Quick like little bunnies, Lenny and the millions of cops all scamper away, leaving the LGs on their bellies by the side of the road. Was it something they said? Their breath?
Back at the Lone Gunpad, their annoying pal Kimmy is on the keyboard: "You crack babies woke me up from one hell of a dream." Here's something every adult should know: NO ONE CARES ABOUT YOUR DREAMS. Write them down, or remember them, but do not share them, ever. Kimmy then says the dream was not "the dry kind," and then, "Jessica Alba." Dude, she isn't even twenty yet. Spare us. Oh, it's too late -- I'm nauseous and heading for the bottle of Jack Daniels. With ice. The LGs need him to find Romeo 61, if he can. Kimmy brags on himself, then makes that horrible fake samurai sound that Wing Chun forbad him to do again, and wham, he's hacked into the government site where Romeo 61's email originated. Hooray for hacking. The pentagon, duh. Kimmy asks Jimmy to fetch him a coffee beverage, and Jimmy makes some bully noises under his breath. Ooh, threats of violence! Kimmy keeps hacking. The find that Romeo 61 is Yves -- just kidding, they find out that Romeo 61 was in all sorts of places where there were American tragedies: the Olympic bombing, the Exxon Valdez crash, Three Mile Island, the bombing in army barracks in Lebanon...Romeo 61 is some kind of government-sanctioned rogue terrorist. Kimmy gets scared, wipes off the keyboard, and bolts. Then the LGs see that Romeo 61 was around the day Kennedy was shot. The big one. Jimmy is like, hey guys, maybe we should stop now. Then, he sprouts wings and a beak. Frank Perdue's ears prick up. Bock bock bock! Jimmy is a giant chicken. Langly is like, "This is the holy grail! This is why we call the paper The Lone Gunman! Do you understand that?" Jimmy says he does. But not really. Frohike is like, this is just a list. Who else knows about this?
Lights up on Lenny, back in the deer-head bar, whirling whiskey in a glass and yammering on to yet another dame in a red dress about how brave or whatever he's pretending to be. Can they go do it now? They can!
Up in Lenny's suite, the lady in red, is dancing with me, cheek to cheek. Sorry. They need glasses, says Lenny. On cue, Frohike poses in the doorway in a robe, holding champagne flutes. "What a tasty morsel you've brought me," he says lasciviously. The dame splits, grossed out. Lenny turns and sees Frohike in his street clothes, with the other two LGs. Now he's pissed. The LGs are like, Romeo 61 put us on your trail -- and you're scared of "it, them, whatever pronoun applies. You know they're stone killers." Byers steps up and says, "We believe we can be helpful. [pause for gravitas] We're journalists." Lenny and I both bust out laughing at the same time. He says he knows who the LGs are, and that's why he let them live: "Killing you guys would be like killing the staff in Mad magazine." Is that why Chris Carter lets us live? Because he thinks we're hilarious too? Is this a shout-out? The LGs are like, sorry to bother you. They make to leave, and Lenny predictably says, "Wait!"
Jimmy's hanging out in a dark alley. Waiting for a chicken hawk? No, just Yves. He's worried. It's the guys. She's in a hurry to get to the crazy buy-one- catsuit-get- the-other- half-price sale at Catsuits R Us. Jimmy is like, it's about JFK and men in black -- not the movies, but actual guys. Yves is like, yeah, get them off the story, it's dangerous, but I can't help. She drives off and Jimmy makes an "aw" face for, like, half an hour.
Back in the hotel suite, Lenny is pouring himself a Jack on the rocks. That is totally a shout-out. I am so thrilled. He starts to tell the story of Romeo 61: "Maybe they're just about murder -- or causing chaos. Either way, they're a seriously scary bunch." But he has "bigger problems." He has to present info on the Meherrin project, and it got stolen. Without the info, he's dead. He needs to find Yves, I mean, "The woman who ripped me off...Darva Loye Welshe." He describes Yves and actually bites his fist à la Lenny. Is "Loye" even a name? Jesus. He is so setting the LGs up, dude. Langly actually jots the name down and begins rearranging the letters. Uh doy! Lenny tells them the story of how he was in the bar, ho-ing it up, when Yves strolled in. He regaled her with merry tales ("they had swollen to the size of Texas grapefruit!"), and took her upstairs to bonk. She had some ether behind her ears, though, and was spared having to do the nasty. She then cracked the safe and stole a disk. At the end of the flashback, Langly has figured out the lady in the story is Yves (which we knew), and Lenny is like, oh, you know her? Gee, what a co-inkey-dink! Then he drops the big one. "Don't you get it? She rips me off, then emails you! Romeo 61! She's a member!" Bum bum buum!