Hey, there's a TV inside my TV, showing me the fictitious Senator Richard Jefferson hot on the campaign trail, surrounded by cheering, balloon-bouncing supporters and a reporter wearing a brown Mr. Rogers-esque sweater in Richmond, VA. Richmond? Shout-out? Could be. Probably not, though. Then the video shot segues into a behind-the-scenes control panel montage. It takes a lot of news vans and equipment to do a live outdoor shot. I wonder whether we're supposed to take note of that fact. Back at the rah-rah trail, Mr. Rogers asks the Senator about the recent mysterious auto accident and death of one of his campaign workers, Barbara Bonabo. The Senator, a filibustering hambone, says that he's deeply saddened by the tragedy. The camera pans by two of the Senator's evil-looking aides -- who may as well be wearing devil horns and holding pitchforks, so evilly pleased are they by his empty patter -- and then we see Byers, placidly bouncing a silver balloon. Via radio, Frohike tells him to hold his position. Mr. Rogers, prompted by his team of producers in the nearby news van to "stop with the fluff," says that Senator Hambone's opponent claims he's trying to bury the facts of the accident, and about the Senator's real relationship with Miss Bonabo. The evil aides grind their teeth and seethe and smolder. Senator Filibuster says that his opponent is trying to gain politically from this tragedy. The aides exhale and look evilly pleased, again. Then Mr. Rogers says, "Cut the crap -- wasn't Miss Bonabo's accident your way of keeping her quiet about your torrid little affair?" Dude! Offsides! But very much appreciated! The mike feeds back, the crowd boos disgruntledly, and the producers in the news van sputter, "Who told him to say that?" Who, indeed. The Senator recovers from his shock and says "that's a bizarre bit of phraseology..." and I instantly flash to that Technicolor wonder and stage play, The Music Man, in which the phrase "You watch your phraseology!" is used, and is also funny as hell.
Cut to the Lone Gunvan (tm Jessica), with Langly inside wearing his sweet smirk and a mike, asking, "Isn't it true you and Miss Bonabo used to play hide the salami?" Oh, those loose, lone gun-cannons. Mr. Rogers parrots what Langly just said, and Senator Salami-Hider drawls that he hopes his "momma isn't listening to this." The real producers in the real news van are flabbergasted, and when Mr. Rogers busts out with "Senator Skirtchaser," the crowd rumbles in a rage and the feedback screeches a new, more persistent whine. Frohike tells Byers to continue to hold his position, Byers continues to bobble his balloon, and then the real producer sees Byers on the monitor and somehow figures out that he's the one hijacking the transmission. I am so sure. Real Producer storms out of his van, and Jimmy -- who is so not hiding out stealthily --says "torpedo in the water!" Byers lets go his balloon and falls on top of the Evil Female Aide, who snarls, "Get off me." As the Real Producer sweeps by Jimmy, Jimmy mutters, "Byers has been spotted," and the Real Producer spots Jimmy. Could Real Producer be any more observant? And, you know, more of a control freak? He's more interested in the mechanics of his broadcast than he is in the real story. A woman is dead, for god's sake, and he just wants to know who's speaking into the ear of his stupid anchorman. I mean, duh, it's the Lone Gunmen, we all get it, this structure has been used in almost every episode. How fucked up is it that what's being said matters less than finding out who's saying it? ["Aw, you real journalists are so cute. Hee!" -- Wing Chun] Anyway, Jimmy gets busted, and then, seconds later, the Real Producer pulls open the door of the Lone Gunvan just in time to hear Langly say, "Come on, Senator! How many bimbos do you have to ice to bury the truth, being that you buried more pipe than Exxon in Alaska?" He then turns around to see the Real Producer and two men in blue standing there. Busted. Sigh.
Ohhh, say can you see? The credits.
This episode of The Lone Gunmen has been brought to you by Aleve? That's a good idea. Does that go with Jack Daniels? JD & A? Yes? Yes.
Okay, so I just got done recapping NYPD Blue, so maybe I'm still harboring warm feelings toward people who risk their necks and try to help victims on the street everyday, but this scene with Langly and the cop in the impound lot really cheesed me. The cop calls Langly "mademoiselle," and Langly can't just shrug it off and demands an apology -- dude, what are you, a teenager? Well, in the Motörhead shirt, he could almost pass. So, the cop won't apologize, of course -- it's impossible in this context for "the man" to have any respect for our three gun-dudes -- so Langly speechifies about what the possible differences might be between himself and the cop, and without saying anything concrete, the cop finally says that the difference between himself and Langly is that he has a gun. Dude, that's kind of reductive. And scary. Then Frohike drags Langly away so that they can get their van and the story on the Senator. They only have four days until the election. So, tick tick tick. Byers and Jimmy roll up in Jimmy's Porsche (so, why did Langly and Frohike have to get dropped off in the police van? Oh, right, so we can get hammered with the premise some more) and say the Senator's ratings went up after their fun-with-earpiece routine. Langly is outraged that no one cares that a woman was killed by a Senator -- ooh, ooh, I am! Even a fictitious woman! I am mad as hell, and refuse to finish this recap until justice is done! Oh, hell, I can't stay mad at a made-up Senator forever. Hug? Frohike says that they need proof, Langly says that they should "run the story now, verify facts later," and Byers brings up the big JI: Journalistic Integrity. They Must Do The Right Thing. Frohike says the mainstream (legit?) press could spin the story so well that the Senator could wind up in the Shite...I mean, "White" House. Jimmy -- who, as you know, is stupid -- says he'd vote for him. Frohike kicks him in the shin. Now that's some smart debating. The xylophones start up as the three pile into their van, leaving Jimmy on the outside, alone, alone. Cry for Jimmy. Frohike tells him to "wash the windshield, Gomer Pyle." Jimmy obediently, stupidly obeys, and is stopped by Byers. Why? There's a number scrawled on the glass. "RX? Is that a prescription number?" "There's one way to find out." Ooh ooh, is it with hacking? And computers? Of course it is. Jimmy doesn't get it: "Why would a dead woman need a prescription?" Everyone, smack your foreheads.
Okay, Frohike and Langly don't literally waltz into the cheesiest "Medical Center" since the "Urgent Family Care" center on Beverly Hills, , but they just stroll on in. No one's behind the desk, no one's waiting to see the doctor. They try to go in to get the Bonabo file, get busted by a Nurse Ratched type, and riff that Frohike has "terrible, explosive gas." Then, the doctor will see Frohike. Just like that. No forms -- no names even; just kaboom. Let the fake farting begin. It's pretty gross. It's Frohike using a hot water bottle. Finally the Nurse Ratched-type storms in, yells, "What in heaven's name!" and Langly gets to steal the file. Hack! Hack like the wind! He gets the info just in time to see Frohike wheeled off to get some kind of fartectomy.